All-time favorite Datalounge quotes

"Martha Stewart couldn't be a bigger lesbian even if she did her whole show with a lady sitting on her face!"

Judy Pills says:

"Judy was one of the most talented singers ever. She also had a lot of pain and struggle throughout her life. Despite that, she had a good heart, which is hard to encounter in Hollywood. At a time when gay people were oppressed beyond belief, they identified with her struggles and she theirs."

If you really believed that, JP, you would change your insulting screen name, which only contributes to the image of Garland as a pill-popping no-talent better off forgotten, not an artist on the level of Sinatra or Picasso or Callas.

YOU and YOUR NAME are part of the problem, JP.

[quote]As a woman, I HATE when men tell me to smile. What the hell is that about? You're walking down the street minding your own business, and out of nowhere some guy is like "smile, sweetheart!" it's annoying as fuck, not flattering.

[quote]Post your shit where someone might care. Just because of you, I'm going to tell the next ten Permanent Bitch Faces I see to smile, you withered cunt.

Someone posted this on another thread:

[Kathy Griffin] looks like a Raggedy Ann doll with AIDS.

The title of our discussion of Star Jones' nuptials remains my favorite.

“Murderous Fatty on the Lam”

Best title yet.

Some DLer once described a female D-list celebrity as a "low-rent dumpster woman" and that is now my go to insult.

Welcome to Datalounge where the weak are killed and eaten...like a toddler at Disney.

Why are straight me so stupid?

Please don’t use the word “cunt”. It wounds.

We look forward to welcoming his corpse as it washes up on our shore.

—New Jersey

I once mentioned the foster child Rosie O'Donnell sent back because she was hiding food, and someone said, "She was probably hiding it from Rosie".

Regarding a legal article about lesbian spouses inheriting: Because not even death can stop lesbian drama.

Probably this, from our 'Victorian Era Datalounge' thread

[quote]Sunday last, I was dining at the White Horse Inn when I saw a scene that hobbled my heartstrings. A little girl who appeared to be half-witted was complaining loudly and vociferously because the crust had broken on her portion of mutton pye. The child was howling and disconsolate. The serving wench, apparently growing tired of the caterwauling, took away the piece and told the child to hold her water whilst she mended it. The wench took the pye to the back area and spit on it repeatedly, filling in the crack with her own juices. The wench then returned it to the child, who exclaimed, "Fank you, you fixded my lamb pye."

This, from 'Dark Lesbians'

[quote]She beats a man to a bloody pulp. Bareknuckle boxer. Kicking him over and over before squeezing the ass of his girlfriend and lighting a cigarette. She's "daddy" now. She'll do you right.

He had a hot ass but he couldn't live forever.

That a great line R16

I happened to mention that Julie Andrews' rendition of The Sound of Music moved me to tears, and someone replied, "MARIA!"

In the epic thread where responders were asked to create flop Broadway musicals that closed out of town.

One was the musical of "The Miracle Worker" called..... "It's WATER, Helen!"

I have giggled over this ever since.

I giggle when recalling the tale of Shirley Hemphill massaging her innocent stoned lady-visitor and inquiring if "Momma feelin' good?"

From "Damn, Teresa Giudice has some ugly kids":

[quote]The youngest one looks like a bookie from Bayonne I once owed money to.

yet another Datalounge thread about >> Datalounge.

"My girl mayo flew out of my HAM faster than you could say, 'I wanna finger-fuck a hick singer.' "

[quote]3 year old dies after pre-K allegedly gave him grilled cheese

[quote]His mother couldn't be reached for comment as middle school doesn't let out until 2:45pm.

Response on the "Anniversary of Princess Di's Death" thread:

"I'm crying as I type . . . "

“Why are you eating so many pies fattie?”

I knew I was gay when instead of having a lemonade stand I wanted to have a Lancome counter.

She had it comin........

Jon Benet Ramsey thread. I threw up with laughter.

Back in the days of red tags, there was a thread where a poster linked to what he claimed was a photo of him. It was your standard Grindr-style headless shot of a fairly nice body. People went on for several pages telling the guy how hot he was.

Up went the red tag, and nearly every compliment the OP had gotten was from himself.

Someone said something like "OP, look back over the last few pages and see how you feel about yourself."

R28 Wasn't that Lee Anne DeVette, who had posted that on an English board we were all trolling -- in reference to Madeleine McCann?

The very first time I saw the name of a DL icon:

THREAD: "Were you ever close to someone who was killed?"

"Yes. But, to be honest, we weren't all that close." -- Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO.

The Daily Mirror field trip with the Maddie McCann troll posts was organized by "Brendad Ickson," and it was hilarious.

R32 That's right! It was hilarious. It incited a riot of British fraus.

I always loved our Field Trips.

My favorites were to the Maddie McCann board, the IHOP (International House of Prayer) board, which went into passworded lockdown thanks to our shenanigans, and the Birthday Party for the Pastor in Houston that demanded LV and Gucci purses.

Prophetess Juanita "Jazz Hands" Bynum was named after one of the Pastor's friends.

Too many to count. Most of the posts on the Dialling a phone with a pencil" comments had me in stitches.

One of the Daily Mirror threads was titled "Maddie's Vagine." I think trouser gravy was mentioned.

The very recent: No more shiplap, bitches.

o dear God this thread is funny.

My sister's bitch cat scratched me. I want to pet him again.

"Is your ass as hairy as your chest? If it is, I'd like you to come up to my office and sit on my face for a couple of hours.".

[quote]Raw tits, flush with milk, a small goat follows at her scent.

In a lengthy thread about favorite gowns in Hollywood films someone posted thsy after having read through it for a while an angry neighbor pounded on their common wall and shouted, "Turn down the gay!"

From the Nasty Pig thread:

[quote]Well, an "Isaac" there is certainly nice. I just called and asked ( VERY politely by the way) "What time do you girls, close tonight?" and he gave me a little snort and told me "8pm" and I said "Thank you" and he said "You're welcome".

[quote]How to get rid of PIGEONS: They sit and make noises and carry crap around and dump it on my 6th floor window. I need suggestions on how to get rid of these fuckers -- poison?

[quote]You pigeon poisoning COCKSUCKERS!! You bitches can sit on a fist, but God forbid a fucking pigeon coos on your veranda.

When Miss Warwick said of Diana Ross:

[quote]Diane owed her entire solo career to her ability to say, "Oh, Berry, it's too big," at just the right moment.

[quote]i'm not a teenager you dumb idiot. i have to dumb down my speech for you because that's all you can understand your IQ is so low. I do know a relative of hers and I've met her lots of times. See her very often. i know what i'm talking about. i tried to be nice to you dumb can't get a man so you thought you'd try women but even they don't want you dykes but you had to go and get nasty. I'm just returning the favor. Now you go seek Jenny Craig you obese lower than life dog and please do humanity a favor and go play in traffic.

[quote]go tell Mariska that we think she is a big ole dyke and her husband is a cock sucker (literally). Take your meds, brush your teeth, say your prayers, go to bed and just basically shut your psychotic ass up.

My favorite quote from the Nasty Pig thread, left by one of you bitches in response to the owner's lame spoken-word videos on YouTube:

[quote]I vibe on your rhyming! You do it so well!

[quote]But you still don't sell tees

[quote]In X-X-X-L.

We can't forget one of the greatest OPs in DL history:

"Well, it is has happened again at our office: a sales rep came in with a shopping bag of bagels and cream cheese, and four or five of the heifer clerks that work here heaved their fat asses out of their chairs and huffed into that break room like it was the last food on earth! Never mind that they have no interaction with any of the vendors anyway and are in no position to discuss any type of business. But they sure can shove cream cheese into their fat pie holes!"

In a thread about Chinese takeout food (or takeaway as they call it in England), someone posted:

[quote]I always wanted to try Chinese takeaway when I lived in England but, every time I called up, the lady of the house would very rudely hang up on me.

I love you gnarled cunts.

Oh wow, I think I made the comment at R26.

I still laugh at the comments made on "The Thread Where We Try And Summon David Ehrenstein."

My favorite remains:

[quote] Was he on Dynasty?

"Yes, he had a long stint playing Dominique Devereaux, the most fabulous lounge chanteuse in all of Denver. He was, in a word, spectacular."

the whole thread is hysterical, though, even for those who have not experienced Miss E:

Whoever started the Ethel Mertz "I Have Sufficient" craze has my unending thanks.

Mariah Carey: Miss, with all due respect, I have my own problems.

Not a single quote, but an entire thread of funny was the guy who got caught masturbating in his car at lunchtime and then spent the next hour in a Walmart parking lot posting on DL on how he thinks he will be fired. He was probably and EST, but it was a good one and went to two threads in a matter of hours..

There was a thread 5-10 years ago about an anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death where someone commented something along the lines of "I live the best parts of my life in your memory."

[quote]There was a thread 5-10 years ago about an anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death where someone commented something along the lines of "I live the best parts of my life in your memory."

Aww, why you gotta post something touching when we're reveling in the pointless bitchery?

[quote] Aww, why you gotta post something touching when we're reveling in the pointless bitchery?

Now, THATS one of my favs right there R58.

"What Are Celebrities Thinking Right Now?"

If one more small child asks me where my oompah loompahs are, I'm going to find Johnny Depp and stick a knife in his eye.

-A. Wintour

From the "She Had it Coming!" Maddie thread:

"Her mother, sobbing, said to me, 'Brendad, love, you don't know wha' life is like, living' with a pint-size prostitute and all!'"

[quote] a small goat follows at her scent

I actually screamed with laughter first time I saw that.

My vote goes to the immortal

[quote]Fank you. You have fixted my cheeseburger.

'I did not like Heath Ledger in his role of 'Joker.''

[quote]Does your boyfriend ever say mean, filthy, disgusting, and hurtful things to you as he's cumming?

[quote]"Surrender Dorothy."

[quote]I'm not a woman you loon.

[quote]Then what was that zit doin' on yer labia, gurl?

Then you apologized for it R51

My recent fave - was the guy who posted the thread with the photo of Jane Fonda's pony tail at the Emmys.

All he wrote was "Girl, no".

It was perfect.

When Melania gave Michelle a gift on the inauguration day, the title of the thread was:

"Oh, thanks, gurl - I'll treasure it forever..."

The entire first post of the "I made Chicken a la King for my ungrateful niece" thread.

"Haughty rudeness", "traditional etiquette and social graces", "the little strumpet" and "she called me a ridiculous, backwards old queen" are my favorite parts.

[quote]When Melania gave Michelle a gift on the inauguration day, the title of the thread was: "Oh, thanks, gurl - I'll treasure it forever..."

yes, that was memorable as well.

why is 'gurl' when used right, so fucking perfect?

Thread title:

“Why is Betty Buckley rumored to be such a cunt?”

- The same reason Barbara Cook is rumored to be fat

When Susan Boyle got attacked by teenagers a poster gave this advice: next time this happens Susan, fling your poo.

I was laughing for days after.

I wish I more clearly remembered some of the __py threads.

Some were riotously funny, mostly because they were seriously unintentionally funny.

This thread had such promise. It is pathetic.

[quote]My sister's bitch cat scratched me. I want to pet him again.

“I hate that cat. Why won’t it love me?

“If I ever catch that cat again, I’m going to pet it.”

[quote]In the epic thread where responders were asked to create flop Broadway musicals that closed out of town.

One was the musical of "The Miracle Worker" called..... "It's WATER, Helen!"

I have giggled over this ever since.

I wrote that! And thank you! It was about Helen Lawson shows.

R77 here. Sorry I messed up trying to quote all three lines. I meant to say that I wrote that on one of the old Helen Lawson threads.

You will all perish in fire!!

A moment of erudition, commenting on some celebrity's bad cosmetic surgery:

[quote]That is not just the result of aging, but the efforts to avoid it.

Perfect.

[quote] OMG this is horrifying. I am a massive Toback fan. I can't believe this. I was just listening to him on a podcast a few days ago. This is so disturbing. THAT article christ. Humping the legs of women WTF. He's my dad's age. I'm ruined to read this.

A couple of my favourites:

From the thread: Against all expectations, "Last Airbender" is a huge hit Well, for once that's a twist to a M. Night Shyamalan movie no one saw coming.

On the thread "Chopsticks" one contributor voted in favor because “I've watched too many people chasing a pea around a plate with a fork.” What an interesting hobby, [R15].

Has anyone here witnessed any horrible celebrity behavior? I saw Patti Lupone in Sunset Boulevard

From the thread 'I accidentally killed my neighbor's dog'

"Dear god, man! Never -- I repeat, NEVER -- have I heard such a blood-chilling tale of unbridled, unremorseful EVIL! I refer, of course, to your callous disregard for the sanctity of benzodiazepines. That you would waste top-drawer pharmaceuticals on a canine while many of your homosexual brethren are forced to go without opiates is crime of the highest order. For shame, OP! May god have mercy on your soul!"

On a thread about Patricia Clarkson

She once pushed me off the sidewalk and into the path of oncoming traffic. I can still recall the ghastly sight of Ms. Clarkson laughing uproariously as the world spun and flipped and was tossed all around me as I bounced from car to truck to bus windshield. . .

R45 I remember that one too!

Surprise anal!

[quote]I recall Pattie Lupone singing An Old Fashion Wedding: "I want a weddin' with HONK HONK an' HONK HONK an' HONK HONK!"

[quote]That Puerto Rican cage meat has Momma's mussy writhing like a salted slug.

[quote]It was 1974. I was driving my yellow Vega, Miss Betsy, through a bad part of Knoxville. There were many burly black gentlemen on the sidewalk when I stopped at the light.I wound the window down and started screaming; "You stupid [a word starting with N and ending with en exclamation mark]!" I then laughed and stepped on the accelerator. Miss Betsy had run out of gas. #MeToo"

[quote] 'I did not like Heath Ledger in his role of 'Joker.'

It’s actually:

[quote] I did not like Heath Ledger in his role as “Joker”.

Dat’s da suck job!

After [italic]Crash[/italic] beat [italic]Brokeback Mountain[/italic] for Best Picture, we had a [italic]Crash[/italic] troll who would shill in breathless prose about what a cinematic masterpiece it was. Alas, I don't remember any specific posts,

I remember when freeper "peg" was all over this board. Tequila Mockingbird authenticated that name (so peg couldn't) and then kept posting as unauthenticated peg "I did NOT type that!" after every post peg posted. It eventually drove freeper peg away.

Also from the "I accidentally killed my neighbor's dog" thread:

"Shelly, who was such a nice dog -- until they let her bark all night. She took the green pills."

From the thread announcing the all-black version of "Steel Magnolias":

"DRANK dat muthafuckin' juice fo' I beat yo' ass, Shelby!"

A newly posted, but a now DL classic, taken from a DL-er's observation of this season's RHOOC:

". . . Fat Shannon, now a recycling barrel with legs."

R70, I agree. The whole Ungrateful Niece Oeuvre deserves its own serialization. I would pay to read the installments, as much as the Victorians paid to read the chapters of Dickens' novels.

This one in the current Liz Smith thread

"She had a dry pussy but she couldn't live forever."

I liked all of the Sylvia Browne threads.....and my favorite thread title is "Dog Fucks Baby in the Ass."

R98 That was me! Had to do a spin on the classic, of course.

"A flood of DARK BROWN FECES"

[quote] That was me! Had to do a spin on the classic, of course.

Kudos. it has made me laugh every time I see it.

The first time Luise Rainer posted her immortal comment when a celebrity in her 90s had died (a tradition now carried on by Olivia DeHavilland):

[quote]So young.

CZJ's miraculously youthful "32 and holding."

R104 It's a "ravishing 33" sometimes, too!

R89 that's so hilarious, I nearly choked on my coffee.

Datalounge is truly the meanest place on earth. Chewie, we're home.

There was a thread titled, "Do you visit your parents' graves regularly?"

comment: My narcissistic bitch of a mother finally died last year and I happily flushed her ashes down the toilet.

So yes, I visit her grave several times a day.

[quote]Please don’t use the word “cunt”. It wounds.

No, R10. It[italic] axewounds. [/italic]

"Dark Lesbians" is a love letter to Bulwer-Lytton.

"Nacreous layers of permacum" is pure gay genius.

"Not without my frosting" and "not event toast" tickled my grammatical fancy.

"It takes a lesbian..."

This one made its appearance, if memory serves, in an article about Jeffrey Dahmer's initial victims being ignored by the police, until a lesbian police officer starting taking the string of gay men's deaths seriously.

But then some wags stole the, "it took a lesbian" line and made a thread about casting a putative TV cop drama show called, "It takes a lesbian." Many advised hiring Wanda Sykes for the lead. Pilots and following episodes were mooted, the promising ones hashed out.

*started, not starting

This quote about someone's 11th grade P.E. teacher named Miss Seboka ...

"Next thing I know my purple nylon workout pants were around my ankles and Ms. Seboka was going to town on my pork chop sandwich like an Ethiopian at an all you can eat jumbo fried shrimp buffett at Shoney's."

What the hell is a pork chop sandwich?

^ A delicious delicacy served in diners, Rose!

[quote]I remember when freeper "peg" was all over this board. Tequila Mockingbird authenticated that name (so peg couldn't) and then kept posting as unauthenticated peg "I did NOT type that!" after every post peg posted. It eventually drove freeper peg away.

Webbie at the time (pre-Muriel) also set up a script that replaced peg's name with "Troll Bait" whenever s/he would post.

From someone posting as Patti LuPone in the thread about Kathy Rowe, the crazy bitch who stalked and harassed a couple who bought the home she wanted ...

[quote]Smsh mshsh mff maff HOUSE

[quote]Smrsh mrrsh smush mmffshh MINE

[quote]Msssh mmmfshh ymmmsfhll mfffmish SPOUSE

[quote]Smrsh mrrsh smush mmffshh SWINE

*sharting, not starting

This Patsy Ramsey thread is a goldmine:

There was an old thread that was very funny, about this guy that had a place from which, when he looked out of his window, he could see a neighbors window, across from him.

When he looked out of his window, he would consistently see this lady across from him come out of her window, and sit on its (precarious) edge, smoking - mind you, all of this was several floors up, iirc. When he peeked out, it creeped him out. He even posted a video of it.

Anyone remember this thread?

R122, that was the gargoyle thread.

Speaking of smoking — there was a thread about someone furious that the neighbors' cigarette smoke was drifting into his yard, and it spun into the OP's accusations that the neighbors were guilty of all sorts of trangressions, including child abuse.

Someone posted (not verbatim, but as I remember)

[quote]Interesting that your neighbors are child molesters, but a Marlboro Light is the hill you chose to die on.

Thanks, R123!

R125, you're welcome! It was a good thread.

There was a wonderful goofy thread that made me cry: it was like great quotes from Hannah Arendt and Einstein and people like that, but attributed to Marilyn Monroe.

On the thread about "what if Sound of Music was about lesbians?" someone posted this little ditty:

"Feminist theory and transgender putsches

Michfest and nutloaf and whiskers on butches

Organic tampons with hemp-woven strings

These are a few of my favorite things..."

To which I can only say

A recent favorite: in the Comey hearings thread, re. prissy Arkansas senator Tom Cotton:

"Cotton is queen!"

So many hilarious quotes in this DL gem:

r116 is either young and naïve, or gets off on having people explain that kind of shit to him.

No, I swear I've never heard of it. But if it's well known, I'll go look it up.

The Michfest threads were really hilarious.

Funny and teasing, but also almost affectionately so in places, which just made it really joyful.

[quote]So I told Ted about the upcoming Brunchausen (If I can make it, I want to help with that delicious, gluten-free donut wall!). I took his hands in mine, stared at those gorgeous chestnut eyes, and said that while his understanding & support is more precious to me than almost everything else, I just needed to be in the company of those who knew what it was like to live with fibro. Girls, Ted's jaw dropped, he was silent for several seconds, and at just that moment his Pseudobulbar Syndrome kicked in.

R133, if that's legit, we have a winner

I wish the Sows at the Trough threads were still live.

R133, thank you!!!

paraphrasing, but

"I will only play Ada in the remake of Another World if I can play every scene with a dish rag over my shoulder, the technique perfected by the late Connie Ford."

LOL R137. I wish I would have seen the early Dee Hall Here! thread.

"Pseudobulbar Syndrome" at R133 is the best of the best.

Hi R65. Surrender Dorothy was me! I have finally made it in life! Thank you! Haha

Tender to the touch.

The homosex threads are really a true work of art.

This is not the original but I believe R8 of the attached thread posted an excerpt.......

From the thread about Mychael Knight dying from irritable bowel syndrome:

[quote]MYCHAEL A KNIGHT, JR,1978 - 2017

[quote]HERE LIES

[quote]THE DEARLY DEPARTED

[quote]HE WAS ALIVE

[quote]BUT THEN HE SHARTED

"Is that where the man goes up in the man?"

[quote]I recall Pattie Lupone singing An Old Fashion Wedding: "I want a weddin' with HONK HONK an' HONK HONK an' HONK HONK!"

Thanks! That was me too!

"Isn't douching pretty recent? Like 1990s on? Or is it just me"

How did people buy plane tickets before the internet?

[quote]Ugh bang rocks together and make blpblpblp sounds like airplane. Ugh no get tickets. Ugh sad.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, despite the modicum of loons this site attracts, when I first came to DL, I felt like the bee girl in Blind Melon's video for No Rain discovering the meadow where all the other bees were and knowing she'd found her home.

This is the real secret life of Bs. Bitches.

There's many good Mrs Patsy Ramsey quotes, but any where she refers to the "pint sized harlot" in her midst are gold.

The lil Peep is dead thread is reminding me, again, of the awesomeness that was the "I just fucked Jani Lane" thread and still to this day I think about when he died and the thread was bumped with "OMG, OP must feel just like Jackie O. right now!" I was dying.

Pretty much all of the pasta thread. You all know which one, you basic whores. The one where some flyover frau boasted about using a ladle to retrieve her pasta....

It's not even ours, but I think we made it classic..

"I'm telling you NOW so I don't have to tell you THEN...."

Please respect r152, she has stated her boundaries!

[quote] Luna Moon-Shine

Moon Moon-Shine?

[quote]MYCHAEL A KNIGHT, JR,1978 - 2017 HERE LIES THE DEARLY DEPARTED HE WAS ALIVE BUT THEN HE SHARTED —Screaming with laughter on the bus

Seriously?

[quote]Hi [R65]. Surrender Dorothy was me! I have finally made it in life! Thank you! Haha

Are you Roseanna Arquette?

R155 The DL has a big fourth-grade demographic.

I'm not running a B&B here!

Certainly we've had

Caftans

Earrings

My favorite post was in one of the theatre threads and contained the phrases "underwear-free" and "Tovah Feldshuh."

Oh! The humanity!

On a thread about the marriage of Liza Minnelli and David Gest:

Poster 1-Do you think there will be sex on the wedding night?

Poster 2-Only if there’s another penis in the room.

bumpity bump bumpa

The Michfest threads were gold, as was every entry in Dark Lesbians. My friend and I ended every sentence with "dark lesbians" - said in a dramatic tone- for weeks after we read that thread.

He kicked my ass, took off my clothes and shaved my pussy.

"deliciously shiversome"

R115, that's from one of the legendary Bonnie Mace threads. Anybody have those?

Nothing tops "Once Around The Garden" from the infamous salad bar thread.

"I tried to think of England, although I'm an American"

The rape troll was hilarious.

I just rediscovered this gem and had to share. From the thread about the Peruvian Mermaid Girl:

[quote]She can breathe underwater, I found out when I tried to drown her in the bathtub. —Mom

Just this morning, on the Versace thread, someone posted this in reference to Donatella's pre-surgery looks:

[quote] She always tried very hard, but never really got there.

Only a gay men would construct something that delightful.

I hope a monster eats your pussy.

R173 you rang?

"It was Anne! Shitty little Anne."

From the "Pooping in Dressing Rooms" thread.

R14 — Thank you for mentioning the "She fixded my lamb pye" entry from the Victorian Era Datalounge thread. It took me more than an hour to write that, so I'm happy that someone likeded it. I found that my story had actually been reworded but was basically the same in a very recent DL thread, the name of which escapes me.

There was a thread with the title and poll: “the-bagle-or-sabotge”. It got 76 responses. At the link.

You wouldn't be the funniest person in the room if you were bunking with Susan Sontag and Andrea Dworkin.

I posted some cheesy kiddie awards show video from the 1980s, and someone responded by saying "I need to take a shit." I just thought that was the funniest response.

R177 I had forgotten the bagle v sabotge thread. I just reread it and it was as funny the second time as the first.

"Hairy drag boy is smoking crack in my living room! Lucky me! Lucky, lucky me!"

R181 Was it Mix Trayshonya Lurneshia Jones?

[quote]Your most humiliating sex moment?

[quote]Mommy walked in and killed me. -J.B. Ramsey

Someone was raving on and on about a New York cater waiter he thought was the best looking man in Manhattan, and someone finally responded:

[quote]Mary, please. I'm not going all the way to the UES to look at some queen in an apron.

[quote]Original OP here. Surprised to see this bumped. BUT an update is that the assholes sold the place and moved out, and now I have quiet MDs next door who are creepy health nuts. But at least they don't smoke. I have tracked the assholes to their new place, though, and have sent them 100 subscriptions to various magazines, COD, and found where their parents live elsewhere in the country and have started calling them pretending to be bill collectors for their "deadbeat child and his/her loser spouse." That has worked very well. I also have called the parents late at night saying I was calling from the ER where their child now lives, saying they were in a terrible car crash and to hurry to see them before they die.

In a thread comparing American and British speech (apartment/flat, trunk/boot, etc.), someone noted:

[quote][bold]Americans say 'cunt,' Brits just say 'Trudie Styler.'[/bold]

From one of the “Freaks You Work With” threads:

[quote]She wears all these silver bangle thingamees so you can hear her ajingling down the corridors and when she's in the toilet and she's wiping her vajaja it's like an Asian festival has just kicked off!

“You type fat”

A DLer was complaining that his boyfriend talks dirty to him while having sex.

"He says things like 'take my load you filthy whore'"

"Is he handing you his laundry when he says that?"

For r189 : What's the difference between a washing machine and a straight guy? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a month after taking your load.

Wiggabo!

From the Greyhound Bus thread:

"I rode Greyhound exactly once.

I was in grad school in Chicago, and wanted to visit my brother in Iowa City.

A knife fight broke out on the bus about an hour out of the city.

I learned a lesson then. Two kinds of people ride Greyhound: the Amish and people who aren’t afraid to say the word “motherfucker” in front of the Amish."

I always love the "____, Rose!" responses; in the "Secret AIDS Deaths" thread, someone mentioned simply "Luther" (as in Vandross), and someone snarked whether or not they meant Vandross or Martin, to which someone else replied,

"LEX Luthor, Rose!"

The Dan Motherfuck thread was a goldmine.

Poster 1: Let's give DL what it really wants and post a link to his hole.

Poster 2: His Neck?

The live as it was unfolding "I Just Slept With Janie Layne." And then, after we all advised him to wake up Janie and keep us posted what happened next:

"Well, that did not go well."

Apparently, straight Janie's eyes focused on his trick and he started screaming, "GET OUT! GET OUT!!!!!" So our hero ran out through the ranch house, knocking something off a table. I imagined him in a mumu or caftan, fingers flailing in the air as he escaped.

I do find myself saying, "My neighbor is a gargoyle' whenever one pisses me off.

[quote]I always love the "____, Rose!" responses; in the "Secret AIDS Deaths" thread, someone mentioned simply "Luther" (as in Vandross), and someone snarked whether or not they meant Vandross or Martin, to which someone else replied,

[quote]"LEX Luthor, Rose!"

When Meg Whitman was running for governor of California, someone didn't know who she was.

"Her family makes assorted chocolates, Rose!"

There was some thread about a story where a frau was complaining that her son was allergic to, basically, life.

"I hope his mom doesn't use dryer sheets, or little Timmy with DIE DIE DIE!"

r195 oh god that was amazing. The death bump was legendary.

OMG! I think my trick stole my Mme Alexander doll! was another great thread. The title alone was amazing.

[quote] "Isn't douching pretty recent? Like 1990s on? Or is it just me"

R146 I believe that was me. And I still stand by my question though I'm glad it amused you all!

Yeah, to his credit, our guy who slept with Janie and gave us the play by play was genuinely upset when he died in some valley hotel room. That original thread is what got me hooked on DL, along with the "margarine fountain" one that still makes me laugh (like a lot of those on this thread).

[quote]Listen twat, my personal motto is "If you're gonna take me to prom, you better be prepared to dance!" Dan and Linda took Betty to prom and you know what? She made 'em fucking dance. So back the hell off and shut your goddam mouth about Betty. I'll put your ass on her List for when she gets out. Then your pussy will be singing a different fucking tune. Zip it!

The autistic girl with the brokened cheeseburger drew this thoughtful response:

[quote]They could've totally punked the kid by bringing out the second cheeseburger cut into quarters.

[quote]I hesitated to post this before, but I think Vera was something of a clit-tease. "So, I didn't feel like helping them load up the fan, so I stretched out in the backseat where I was lounging in my skirt, feeling the warmth of the sun hitting my pussy lips when Denise with her fucked up boundaries began whistling 'Walking on Sunshine' as she felt me up!" I might have been paraphrasing that, so maybe I oughtn't have used quotes.

[quote]What's annoying is your attitude, as if some world environmental organization should publicly execute a few Japanese people for something that was out of their control.

[quote]Are you fucking kidding? "Out of their control?" It was ENTIRELY WITHIN THEIR CONTROL. A nuclear fucking reactor sitting on the ocean of a country with tons of earthquakes and documented tsunamis. I don't know why YOU'RE being so defensive about Japan, but this isn't even about fucking Japan or its people. This is about an environmental disaster that NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT, and your goddamned idiotic attitude towards this issue is more concerned about "Japan's image," rather than the health impact of sea life and human life. There is radiation leaking into the Pacific Ocean, and being carried on the Kuroshio current to the North American coast. And the radiation has NOT BEEEN CONTAINED. That's what we're motherfucking talking about, you idiot. Starfish committing suicide and krill bleeding out of their assholes. And you are STRANGELY making this about Japanese discrimination. This is OUR environment and OUR planet, regardless of these artificial borders. What happens in Japan affects the rest of the Pacific, you moron. Arrrghhh... why does everything have to be fucking POLITICAL???JUST FIX THE MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM!!!!

[quote]stop screaming at me bitch.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

[quote]All you need to know about this show is ready and waiting for you on Mark-Samz Facebook page, he and his elderly fab hobbits are trying to do a "Live" sass session during Drag Race and it's playing to three people and has the pacing and narrative of the security cam at a Marshall's in Ohio. They all appropriate the "sistah" finger snap form and have NOTHING to say, let's face it, this "show" is a vanity project for a few guys who don't get out much, the Zapruder film would be more fun to watch.

Vagina Capes with full bush.

....

"My boyfriend may be a lawyer, but he does a great job plowing my back acre! Damn! I love that man!"

(A quote I remember, wishing it were mine- from a thread that was very active for at least nine months, around 10 or 12 years ago. I fell in love with both men, the hunky landscaper's recently widowed father, and the nerdy lawyer's busybody mother (constantly "dropping by; from Cape Cod). It primarily focused on the developing commitment between two seemingly mismatched lovers, their purchase of an apartment in Hell's Kitchen, conflicts between brothers taking over their retiring father's business, negotiating with a Manhattan gallery before a one-man show, and the wedding plans of the landscaper/attorney couple. The thread was romantic, personal and hilarious. I still think of it as one of DL's best threads ever.)

....

Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Kotter?

He founded the Lavender Panthers

Not a quote but any pic from Denny Scott Photography

“Do you want the shit-bra?”

Blocked.

R4, Kathy Griffin looks like Lucy & Ronald McDonald had a baby, and threw it down the stairs.

I like all quotes from our "Mary's!"

Second runner-up's are the quotes "Pearl Clutchers."

[quote]These stupid lacquered women on Fox are unbelievable.

Boom!

[quote]Anyone have a link to that classic Christmas card photo?

[quote]The one where the mother is holding Sarah's lunch?

[quote] The anointing of a new crone. Sagged breasts fallen clear to her belly button. Silken, greyed bush resembling stale cotton candy. She steps into a pile of ripened shit. Dogs everywhere. Big dogs that should be outdoors but are very much inside. Patchouli smells. Vegetable box falls to the floor. The dildo cock is thrown across the room like a harpoon and penetrates her. Missy Elliot cries on the boombox.

"I was getting a blowjob and had had that weird fish the night before that causes anal leakage. Well while I came, I leaked some of that fish oil out my butt. All over my new boyfriend's WHITE Pratesi sheets.

he broke up with me within a week"

I miss the DLer from many a year ago who would post into random threads with:

SLAP MY PUSSY!!!

Has DL icon 'Bill Taylor' contributed to this thread?

R193 That sounds like something I wrote. It combined my love of The Golden Girls & comics.

I've probably written over a dozen _____Rose jokes on here in the past couple of years.

I know I didn't write the Meg Whitman joke mentioned above (which was hysterical by the way).

[quote]Armed with a Ritalin prescription and a crimping iron, Bindi Irwin is ready to take America by storm!

My favorite thread title is one of the simplest.

[quote]I think Jaclyn Smith should get an MRI or something.

Forgot the link.

[quote]The Silverbacks have settled in for the night. All is quiet. Mama Silverback goes into Aerola's bedroom to say goodnight and groom her. Squealing when she finds the larva of a moth in Areola's fur, Mama pops the treat into her mouth and lumbers out of the room to check on the other one. Meanwhile, Papa Silverback is grunting sweet nothings into a cell phone in the basement. "Here comes my lowland silverback wife."

[quote]what the fuck do you know where you are? Your comments are as useful as a fart trapped in a mitten.

From the Nepotism thread---DL at its finest.

[quote]"My sister died in the World Trade Center." "Wow, how horrible. 9/11?" "No."

"Rape me, Jesus, for I have sinned!"

"I'll sign on for Ada in the Another World remake only if I can play every scene with a dish rag over my shoulder, the technique perfected by the late Connie Ford." - Deidre Hall.

That slays me every time.

[quote]Can you imagine sitting behind her and watching her fly out of her seat into the air? What would you do?

[quote]I'd fucking duck.

Quote of a quote:

“You’re so beautiful, Blossom!”

From the current Celeb Assholes thread — this made me laugh out loud:

[quote]By far the worst encounter I ever had was with Kevin Bacon [bold]and his Kyra Sedgwick thingy[/bold].

"It's WATER, Helen!"

Never fails, after all these years!

I will use “inarticulate grifting narcissist” to describe my father henceforth.

Virtually any response from "DAMN! Teresa Giudice has some ugly kids."

But especially:

[quote] The Silverbacks have settled in for the night. All is quiet. Mama Silverback goes into Aerola's bedroom to say goodnight and groom her. Squealing when she finds the larva of a moth in Areola's fur, Mama pops the treat into her mouth and lumbers out of the room to check on the other one. Meanwhile, Papa Silverback is grunting sweet nothings into a cell phone in the basement. "Here comes my lowland silverback wife."

The jock, with the thirteen inch cock

In the scene with the horny Marine

See the toll that it takes on his hole

That's entertainment

The top, who is dressed as a cop

With the guy, who pretends to be bi

For a twist, he will squat on his fist

That's entertainment

The lean muscled teen who's too good to be true

A twink into kink in his porno debut

Mentored by Chi Chi LaRue

The bottom boy sensation, does double penetration

The sprite, claims his hole is too tight

Spreads his ass, soon it takes EZ Pass

First a kiss, then he'll bathe in your piss

The world is a stage

The stage is a world of entertainment

Consider DL your own fucking personal milk carton.

The Marriage of Bigaro

from the “how many cocks have you sucked” thread: “it’s like wealth management. if you know the figures, you’re not in the game.”

Hell's Kitchen is overrun with whores

It’s a good thing she was wearing a bikini. Mud can’t be good for the lady-ham.

Is dis Daddy's puduter?

Per-say.

Regarding a closeted celebrity of whose name escapes me..

He's gayer than the pink parasol on the birdcage on Merv Griffin's lanai!

R187 I laughed so hard I couldn't read it to my husband. He had to come to the screen to read it himself. Too funny!

[quote]. A dick through a hole is like a potato chip - I can't eat just one!

This one (from “Are Gloryholes Really A Thing?”) made me LOL!

This was the winning post from the “Kellyannes Pussy” thread.

[quote] The odor is akin to a single wet nap used to wipe the hands and mouths of the entire Duggar family after a dinner at Long John Silvers.

Does anyone remember the "A Cry For Help: The Taking of Kevin Spacey's Phone" thread? We were making up tv movies about Kevin Spacey's park adventures. One was called "The Park Has Eyes" - I forget the rest but it was so funny.

[quote]if you don't want to "accidentally" walk through another glass patio door and give yourself another Pablo Picasso facelift, Della Reese (I may be red-eyed but I know my troll-dar), you will keep that phone on vibrate way up in that deli section you call a snatch.

And of course the immortal classic that still holds up:

"Gayer than IKEA on Super Bowl Sunday!"

In one of the many threads about a guy wanting to have sex with his hot cousin, someone asked "How old are the two of you?" and another DL'er trolled "I'm sixty-two and he's seventeen and 3 months." I laughed for a week every time I thought of that line.

Come and join us this weekend as women around the world unite for the million frau mug cradling on the National Mall

Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Separated Thread, reply 77

[quote]Gay Lurch will haunt my dreams tonight.

On the Olsen twins:

[quote]They're always posed for photographs so close to each other. It looks as though someone lifted a cabbage leaf and found two tiny, slimy, frightened Blythe dolls, clinging to each other for dear life.

In a recent discussion about food celebrities, someone brought up this classic:

[quote]Ina Garten's a Diva, Baby

[quote]--Iron Butterfly

"But doctors are worldly people!"

I can't remember the full context, but it was from one of Jenna/Libby's insane threads about Russell Crowe from fifteen years ago.

Sheltering bubbles.

Someone once said that Fred Armisen looked like a frog getting surprise anal!

r260 I feel his pain.

I second this...I just laughed out loud again when I read it.

My favorite thread title is one of the simplest. I think Jaclyn Smith should get an MRI or something. —Bootsie Gumdrops, Her First Cat that She Got at a Shelter

My trick stole all of my Kim Carnes CDs!

Simply put:

"You type fat."

This, just now, a fantastically cuntish first reply in a craft themed EST:

Macrame yourself a noose and hang yourself on her front porch

- That'll learn her

You don't have to bother with the whole first paragraph:

[quote]I am now happily married to my husbear, but a recent trip to Walmart opened up some bad memories. While I was shopping in the cooking supplies aisle, I heard the dread throb of a baseline I knew all too well. It was Eurotrash electro-pop group Vengaboys blaring "Boom Boom Boom Boom". I immediately had a severe nervous response. I felt my bowels loosening. I lost control of my bladder and sharted into my thong. Thankfully my husbear was there to usher me into our Land Rover where he cleaned me up. We drove home, but I was distraught. You see, I grew up in Montana in the late 1970s. My daddy started fucking me when I was 8. He was a huge, built cattleman. 6'4" and weighing at least 275 pounds and built like a shit brickhouse. He forced his huge, unwashed, cheesy cock into me. No lube. Just spit, or gun oil if he had any. He would degrade and feminize me. He made me wear my sister's dresses and patent leather shoes. Often he would parade me around town in my sister's dress and raise the hem and show laughing passers-by my tiny cocklet. I was so degraded! I've never been so humiliated! He would make degrading gestures by putting his thumb and forefinger close together, leaving only a tiny space between them, and loudly demean me and say this was how small my puny clit was. He called me a f@g, a punk, a buttboy, and a queer. He made me dance degrading dances and sing humiliating songs for my uncles and grandpappy. These were heavyset, weather-beaten cowboys with handlebar mustaches, thick biceps and meaty thighs. They would laugh while I danced for them, jacking their huge cocks. I was forced to service their nasty, huge cocks. Then they would pack my rectum full of hot jizz. During these shows my daddy would compose songs and dance routines for us. One of these songs was exactly like Boom Boom Boom Boom. It went:Boom ,boom, boom, boom/ Let me put my ring on you/ Let me put my ring on you. while we sang this, we had to shake our hips provocatively, and thrust our spread buttox in the direction of our horny, openly masturbating uncles. I was pimped out and forced to dance in my sister's clothes for the depraved amusement of my daddy's huge, masc friends. I had to shake and gyrate my hips provocatively, and perform lap dances. When my puny cocklet became erect due to all the masc pheromones in the air of the barn, the cowboys would loudly degrade and humiliate me for being a punk and a queer. My daddy would join in and beat me severely with a bike chain for bringing shame on the family. Then they would line up to fuck me up the ass, and then piss in my gape. After I'd been given a piss enema, they forced me to evacuate my bowels on the public road. I had to do this squatting, like a girl and my father would loudly call out, "Look at my punk bitch 'son' he needs to squat to take a piss'. Truck drivers passing by would loudly honk their horns and some lewdly jacked their dicks in my direction. I had continence issues. I once sharted at school and the principal sent me home. My daddy and uncles beat me, fucked my ass and forced me to wear a diaper to school. When the jocks discovered this during phys ed. they violently assaulted me and queerbashed me and then took turns inflicting throat rape on me. When I was 17 I ran away and drifted down to Boise where I hustled at truck stops. They forced me to do gross degrading things like eat their toejam and drink their farts. They would pay me ten bucks a trick. I can't believe a simple trip to the Walmart could evoke so many memories. I also can't believe that my daddy anticipated the Vengaboys by at least two decades.

[quote]Why do you shop at Walmart?

[quote]Because they have fabulous discounts.

I slept with Jani Lane

R146 that was I. And I was being serious.

“Girl you breading”.

About Nick Jonas and his “engagement”.

Whimpering genderspecials

[quote] "We Tennessee gals know what to do with an unexpected fistful, or should I say mouthful of shit!"

I normally hate bathroom jokes but this one just killed me. I think it was the use of "or should I say"

The one describing Anthony Recker’s per diem fart schedule........second by second

Football jerseys are the straight man's muumuu

RE: Brett Kavanaugh:

[quote]"Everyone likes to think of Koala bears as gentle, cuddly animals, but try to take the Eucalyptus away from one of them and see how he lashes out with razor-sharp claws coated with exotic bacteria. It's the same with Country Club children like Brett, when you try to take something away from them that they think they're entitled to."

From one of the dozen or so threads about the Roy Moore-Doug Jones Senate race:

[quote]"I want to believe in decency, but we are talking about Alabama."

This "Miss Lindsey" quote:

It's quite vulgar, ah know, but ah must admit, when the moon swells to an especially voluptuous fullness that sets mah blood a'stirrin in a most peculiar way, ah sometimes feel the need to perform mah toilette behind it, from cold cream and brushin' mah silvery strands 100 strokes to droppin' mah dressin' gown and pressin' mah juicy peach right up against the glass. Mah gentlemen callers think it's a hoot! Lawd, mah cheeks are ablaze just typin' those words!

That is some kind of masterpiece at R266

“Armed with a Ritalin prescription and a crimping iron, I’m ready to take America by storm!”

Lest our collective memory one day grow dim:

"Your understanding still seems to be patriarchal. You have disrespected my boundaries, Rainsong. I have stated the boundaries in the topic title. Please respect me and them and refrain from posting here again, Rainsong. I have just stated my boundaries again."

I always enjoy it when Miss Lindsey visits the DL.

My favorite from one of the recent Jussie threads - what if Johnnie Cochran was Jussie's defense lawyer:

"If the lettuce was wilty, then Jussie ain't guilty!"

Get a Grip, Charlie. You sold some of the best quality knockoff hankies in your cart at Grand Central and you met some famous people in the process.

“She was nude!”