Jealousy, Loneliness, and Being a Third Wheel
I have been feeling lonely lately. I've gone on a dates, but they haven't worked out. I work a lot, but have been super lonely.
I live in a downtown apartment in a large city. My neighbors are also gay- a lawyer and a software engineer.
They invite me over for dinner, movies, etc. I get a little jealous when they go on date nights just the two of them. It is not healthy. They seem to be perfect and have everything. I'm struggling financially too. I do not think the software engineer likes me either.
|by Anonymous||reply 122||July 6, 2022 2:25 AM
I asked them for some help and opened up emotionally. The lawyer offered to pay a bill or two, but he would not give me cash. The software engineer has been distant to me ever since. I'm sure they have discussed the situation.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||June 16, 2022 2:19 PM
[quote] Any advice?
Yes: Grow up.
You know damn well it is you who are to blame if you are pathologizing their happiness during their private time .
Make it a point to give them more room for your own sanity and happiness, and for the sake of the friendship--it sounds like you're resentful of the time the lawyer spends alone with his partner, which is going to end badly for YOU particularly unless you get a hold of this jealousy right now and find other friends and interests.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||June 16, 2022 2:23 PM
[quote] The lawyer offered to pay a bill or two, but he would not give me cash.
Why are you asking them for money???
|by Anonymous||reply 3||June 16, 2022 2:27 PM
You sound like a whiner and they think you're a whiner.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||June 16, 2022 2:28 PM
R2 I guess I am jealous. He is just so well read, kind, and classic old money. The software engineer is cold and aloof.
R3 I was short on a few bills. The lawyer helped paid the bills.
R4 How so?
|by Anonymous||reply 5||June 16, 2022 2:40 PM
OP: Get out of the house more. Join a few Meetup groups, and attend an event or two.
If you don't take my advice, you are either looking for pity or absolution. Or both.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||June 16, 2022 2:43 PM
R6 I'm trying to. It is just hard. The lawyer is a runner. He runs like 3 miles everyday. I made a comment to the software engineer about running with him and he said "he likes to run alone to clear his head." Kind of harsh.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||June 16, 2022 2:49 PM
Aside from one or two very close friends, as soon as a conversation goes off on borrowing money, I'm done. Most people are the same way, in my experience, and don't really want to hear about the financial problems of random people...we aren't banks. It was inappropriate of you to bring up the subject, and make them feel awkward. I suspect your relationship with them will have changed significantly.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||June 16, 2022 2:49 PM
^I agree 100% with r8.
NEVER ask friends for monetary help, ever. It is the kiss of death for any friendship.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||June 16, 2022 2:51 PM
OP. Watch the movie All About Eve. You should be able to figure out which character you are, Miss Harrington.
Also, you need to stop discussing your financial problems with people. How did this come up in conversation? Nobody wants to hear this shit. They will stay away in droves.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||June 16, 2022 2:57 PM
[quote] I made a comment to the software engineer about running with him and he said "he likes to run alone to clear his head." Kind of harsh.
No, you're just a neurotic mess. Most people run, hike or do other activities solo, because it helps them relax or makes them feel good.
Not everything is about you, Messy Mary.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||June 16, 2022 2:58 PM
R8 R9 we were talking in general and I said I was a little behind on some bills. The lawyer offered to help cover one bill ($60). He helped me pay it online with his card. I did NOT ask.
R10 go away
R11 How am I a neurotic mess??
|by Anonymous||reply 12||June 16, 2022 3:15 PM
Lawyer and software engineer are a power couple
|by Anonymous||reply 13||June 16, 2022 3:15 PM
[quote] How am I a neurotic mess??
In your own words
[quote] I get a little jealous when they go on date nights just the two of them. It is not healthy.
[quote] do not think the software engineer likes me either.
You're a needy, broke Debbie Downer, and the overture of friendship was probably blown to smithereens the minute you told them you needed money.
And if you're insinuating one likes you more than the other, then you're probably passive-aggressively trying to break them up and let one of them be your sugar daddy.
Need I say it again? M-E-S-S Mess
|by Anonymous||reply 14||June 16, 2022 3:19 PM
Unhealthy attachment issues with the lawyer!
OP, you need a therapist. Not because you’re a bad person or you’re crazy, but you need a detached party to help you make the best of your situation and to help you create a plan to work your way out of it. If you have lost your insurance, every free health clinic or county health department should either have someone on staff or be able to refer you to another resource.
You deserve to talk to someone who can help, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||June 16, 2022 3:20 PM
OP, I don’t know why I’m posting because you’re not ready to hear any constructive criticism but...
> Others are not responsible for your happiness or well-being. Not friends, not family members, not even your husband. That’s on you.
> You need better boundaries. Don’t be inviting yourself along to others’ leisure activities. You want to hang out with others? Invite them. Without pressure. And recognize they are as entitled to reject as accept your overtures. And don’t even imply you need friends’ financial help, let alone ask for it outright. Not the role of a friend. Try your neighborhood bank.
> Get yourself into therapy. Today.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||June 16, 2022 3:38 PM
OP, you need to learn to love your own company. Stop being the third wheel and start doing activities on your own. Join a club, find people with common interests. Volunteer somewhere if you have the time. Pay the money back, and unless you're absolutely desperate, don't allow the lawyer to cover your bill again. You can get yourself our of this rut, but you have to do it alone. The lawyer can't hold your hand.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||June 16, 2022 3:42 PM
You're not quite their kind, dear. Stick to your class OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||June 16, 2022 4:01 PM
One is a lawyer and the other is a software engineer means they are obviously loaded, but too cheap to help you out. That is messed up, I would look for better friends. Not to mention one of them doesn't want you to go running with him.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||June 16, 2022 4:03 PM
I just don’t care about peoples stupid sob stories anymore.
If you are having an economic situation then I feel for you because it’s harder than ever to get out of that trap. You absolutely have to have someone else pull you out now. It’s not something you can do on your own.
Otherwise, if your basic needs are met then I don’t want to hear it.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||June 16, 2022 4:04 PM
R20 Are they obviously loaded though? The software engineer and lawyer never go out or take big international trips.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||June 16, 2022 4:12 PM
OP back away, really, I mean this with total kindness. You have seriously crossed boundaries with them by asking for money. That is not appropriate. You need to give them space, it is clear just from your post that you are intruding on them and they are throwing up red flags. My advice regarding them: do not initiate plans, only if THEY initiate inviting you somewhere; smile, be polite and kind to them but be VERY conscious about being intrusive. You also clearly need some counseling- either to understand appropriate boundaries with people, or because you are going through some emotional turmoil that is making social cues unclear to you. (because it is VERY obvious to all of us that they are sending large social cues to you to back off and you are not seeing it).
As far as meeting other people, I am sure other people have good advice, this sounds Single White Female to me. If you do not back off right now these people are going to despise you, avoid you, and talk shit behind your back- save it now.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||June 16, 2022 4:15 PM
R23 The lawyer isn't giving any signals?
|by Anonymous||reply 24||June 16, 2022 4:21 PM
Don't ask friends for money. Get a part-time job or move somewhere that is more affordable.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||June 16, 2022 5:00 PM
Where did he say he asked for money?
|by Anonymous||reply 26||June 16, 2022 5:08 PM
In my experience, people who ask for money rarely pay it back.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||June 16, 2022 5:13 PM
I didn't ask for money. I asked for help emotionally.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||June 16, 2022 5:14 PM
Power couple are stringing Miss OP along only because they crave her huge member.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||June 16, 2022 6:43 PM
Do software engineers and lawyer even make that good of money?
|by Anonymous||reply 32||June 16, 2022 8:15 PM
R32 The husband is a family or bankruptcy litigator; I can't remember. The software engineer works from home.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||June 16, 2022 8:21 PM
OP: Pay the lawyer back with interest and thank him again.
Then stay away. Find other interests.
If you’re lucky, they might thaw a bit but don’t count on it. Don’t even think of flirting with the lawyer; his partner picked up on it and you should be ashamed.
Lastly, no one wants to go to your pity party. All you have to offer it seems is whiny shit about feeling left out all the time.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||June 16, 2022 8:30 PM
OP is the same dumb fuck who keeps trying to create content with posts that read like Wikipedia. Apparently this cuckoo has decided to shit all over Dl..
|by Anonymous||reply 36||June 16, 2022 8:37 PM
Are we being tolled brilliantly?
|by Anonymous||reply 37||June 16, 2022 8:40 PM
next time you see them hand them some baby wipes and ask them to help you be rid of your stubborn dingleberries. The intimacy will chart a new course for your friendship.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||June 16, 2022 9:03 PM
Your neighbors have been too kind to you, but I've s strong feeling you are about to change all of that with a suddenness that will put the "harshness" than the comment about liking to run alone into perspective.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||June 16, 2022 9:20 PM
For a second I thought we had a new troll, but astrological signs weren't mentioned.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||June 16, 2022 9:29 PM
R41 Those are my old neighbors. I moved. The lawyer is an Aries, the software engineer an Aquarius. I'm a Cancer.
|by Anonymous||reply 42||June 16, 2022 9:36 PM
And OP’s sign is Lunaticus.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||June 16, 2022 10:03 PM
Why is the lawyer nice if the software engineer isn't?
Never trust lawyers.
|by Anonymous||reply 45||June 17, 2022 3:48 AM
Get a dog, OP.
Oh, and once you get the dog, please consider naming the dog ‘Clue’.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||June 17, 2022 6:23 AM
[quote]He is just so well read, kind, and classic old money. The software engineer is cold and aloof.
Of course he is. He see that you are trying to steal his boyfriend.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||June 17, 2022 6:31 AM
I say you should have a torrid romance with the lawyer, but have lots of conversations with him where you insincerely say that you’d never want to hurt the software engineer, is what we’re doing wrong, but why does it feel so right?
That’ll teach him to keep his snippy little “he likes to run alone” comments to himself.
|by Anonymous||reply 50||June 17, 2022 7:14 AM
Op, can't you meet a straight man who is gay curious? According to DL the world is full of them.
|by Anonymous||reply 51||June 17, 2022 7:47 AM
There are plenty of available mens at gay AA meetings, OP. Drink up.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||June 17, 2022 7:50 AM
FFS. I know OP is probably trolling, but how is it not possible to understand that accepting money from neighbours due to one’s sob story is major boundary-crossing and might create conflict within the partners’ relationship and with your relationship as a whole? (was it a gift? a loan? when will it be paid back? what are the terms? money/gifts = OBLIGATION/reciprocity, which is INTIMATE) I’m on the goddamned “spectrum” and even I fucking know that! Jesus fucking Christ!
|by Anonymous||reply 53||June 17, 2022 8:45 AM
R53 He probably sucked lawyer's dick in return.
|by Anonymous||reply 54||June 17, 2022 8:58 AM
You asked for emotional help but say you didn't get offered cash, just some bills paid. If emotional help is what you were seeking why would you say he wouldn't give you cash?
|by Anonymous||reply 55||June 17, 2022 9:56 AM
OP, I've been thinking about your predicament all day and I think the answer can be found in the television drama "The Day My Kid Went Punk… What do you do when your bright, loveable, talented kid turns into a punker overnight?”
It's an ABC Afterschool Special that first aired Oct. 23, 1987.
Please report back after watching it.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||June 17, 2022 10:24 AM
[quote] I'm a Cancer.
The software engineer already clocked that you could become a big ass tumor, for sure.
|by Anonymous||reply 58||June 17, 2022 2:42 PM
Real friends would be willing to help, obviously these aren't "friends" with having.
|by Anonymous||reply 59||June 17, 2022 2:49 PM
Go to a happy hour. They are just two little people in a big ol'world. Forget them.
You do you .
|by Anonymous||reply 60||June 17, 2022 2:50 PM
No one wants a needy, whiner as a friend, OP. Especially one who is always fishing for 💰.
And if you think you have a chance with the lawyer, bitch please! If he wanted to take on losers, he would work Pro Bono only.
Dredge up some self-respect, OP. Pay back the money they loaned you asap and peace out of their lives. Go to therapy and work on your self-esteem. Grow up, brother.
|by Anonymous||reply 62||June 17, 2022 2:57 PM
OMG the amount of people attacking this guy over sixty dollars is insane. Like you bitches never needed help in your lives. it's like he asked them for six thousand. Give. me. a. break (not OP).
|by Anonymous||reply 63||June 17, 2022 3:06 PM
why on earth would you want to be friends with anybody in the same building complex? that is messy from the START!
|by Anonymous||reply 64||June 17, 2022 3:39 PM
OP, don’t let these jealous bitches in here bring you down!
As mentioned they are a lawyer and a software engineer, which means they are loaded and have lots of disposable income. Ask for more money! If they say no, bring up how privileged they are. If they are truly your friends, they will give you money no questions asked.
I also suggest therapy! That software engineer friend clearly needs it. He crossed a boundary when he told you the lawyer likes to run alone. He’s clearly a very controlling person. You should bring this up to both of them after you ask them for more money. After you start running with the lawyer friend, maybe you can suggest the engineer also take up running to lose some extra weight, but the tell him you and the lawyer like to run alone…together…without him.
I also get a hint the lawyer guys might be secretly falling in love with you but since lawyers are shy introverts, he might need a little push expressing his affections. I suggest writing him a note expressing your feelings for him. Life is too short! Live a little. ❤️
|by Anonymous||reply 65||June 17, 2022 3:46 PM
R63 - I don’t care if it’s $60 or $6000 - you don’t ask neighbors and friends to pay your bills. Because the second you ask someone to pay your $60 bill, they will likely wonder if you will next ask them to pay your $600 bill, then $6000 etc. It creates tension and resentment and weird feelings.
People (understandably) get desperate when they need money and in my experience, if they are willing to cross a boundary like that to ask for $60, they will often cross that boundary again and again when they need more money.
If people offer to pay your bills or give you money, that’s a different situation (and comes with its own issues).
I don’t believe any of this actually happened though.
|by Anonymous||reply 66||June 17, 2022 4:03 PM
On the off-chance this is true, OP has serious issues. I'd recommend therapy, but sufferers of personality disorders like BPD are notoriously difficult to help.
|by Anonymous||reply 67||June 17, 2022 4:39 PM
Where the hell do you get bpd from [r67]. Don’t be a simplistic moron.
You’re hilarious [r65]
|by Anonymous||reply 68||June 17, 2022 4:56 PM
Won't someone please SHIT IN MY MOUTH??!??!???!???
|by Anonymous||reply 69||June 17, 2022 5:46 PM
Some of you are super mean. I am not trying to steal the lawyer away. What is the point?
Lawyers don't even make that much money.
|by Anonymous||reply 70||June 17, 2022 7:03 PM
[quote] Lawyers don't even make that much money.
She HAS to be trolling us
|by Anonymous||reply 71||June 17, 2022 8:00 PM
R71 compared to the hours they work, their student loan debts, and their overhead, the average lawyer salary is like $75,000.
|by Anonymous||reply 72||June 17, 2022 8:40 PM
Bobby, we've been trying to call you.
|by Anonymous||reply 73||June 17, 2022 9:29 PM
Yes she’s trolling us but OP please keep us informed.
|by Anonymous||reply 74||June 17, 2022 9:56 PM
[quote]Lawyers don't even make that much money.
[quote]compared to the hours they work, their student loan debts, and their overhead, the average lawyer salary is like $75,000.
So if your friend doesn't make that much money and has onerous debts and expenses, why are you hitting him and his partner up for money?
FFS, I [italic]hope[/italic] this is an EST, and there really isn't an entitled queen like this running around taking up oxygen.
|by Anonymous||reply 75||June 19, 2022 9:27 PM
The constant mention of astrological hoodoo is a mental illness red flag.
|by Anonymous||reply 76||June 19, 2022 10:29 PM
The lawyer comes from a wealthy southern family, like Bette Davis in Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte.
The software engineer is Nepali, but grew up in India. His dad is a diplomat for the Indian government. He looks Asian.
They both have family money.
|by Anonymous||reply 77||June 22, 2022 9:10 PM
Get in contact with that man whore over on some other thread who plans on giving celibacy a go. He's packing 8.5" apparently.
|by Anonymous||reply 78||June 22, 2022 9:26 PM
Do you think that the celibacy guy is willing to pay OP's bills R78?
|by Anonymous||reply 79||June 22, 2022 9:48 PM
These two sound like typical gay guys, only think of themselves, not willing to lift a finger to help the less fortunate.
|by Anonymous||reply 80||June 23, 2022 1:28 AM
You sound very needy, OP. I'm sure the two friends sense that. That is never good. Take some of the good advice on this thread. Engage yourself in something outside of your head....and the obsession you seem to have in these people.
|by Anonymous||reply 81||June 23, 2022 10:44 AM
Don't risk wrecking their happiness. In the long run, doing this will make you even more unhappy than you are now. Everyone struggles with money or should. You are being their problem. Leave them alone for a while, then visit only twice a week. Sounds like you have feelings brewing for the lawyer. Don't be a homewrecker. Most people are lonely, y'know. Do what they do. Seek out crowds and new pals. The engineer KNOWS you want his man, so OF COURSE he's cold to you! He knows you better than you do, clearly. You are taking advantage of their kindness. So, my advice is to stop.
|by Anonymous||reply 82||June 23, 2022 12:03 PM
I think the lawyer is flirting with me too. He is just at fault if so.
Do you think he is flirting or just being friendly? Maybe just his wealthy southern upbringing.
|by Anonymous||reply 83||June 23, 2022 5:51 PM
He might be flirty like Scarlet O' Hara.
|by Anonymous||reply 84||June 23, 2022 6:18 PM
Have you considered becoming very wealthy?
|by Anonymous||reply 85||June 23, 2022 6:18 PM
You sound like a total mess, but at the same time I don't you are crazy, so I believe you when you say the lawyer is also flirting with you. That means their couple is not that secure.
First and foremost, get your shit together and develop a better private and professional life. You're not ready for a proper relationship.
|by Anonymous||reply 87||June 23, 2022 10:06 PM
and jealousy is horrible because you feel miserable and want other people to feel just like you by ruining their happiness. all in all don't do anything to them and start a new life.
|by Anonymous||reply 88||June 23, 2022 10:12 PM
Last night I stopped by their apartment to drop off a book I borrowed. Only the lawyer was home.
The lawyer had classical music playing, was preparing a charcuterie board, and had wine breathing. I was going to be brief, but we ended up talking about my work and I got carried away. The software engineer came home while I was talking and I think I ruined the romantic surprise.
|by Anonymous||reply 89||June 26, 2022 9:37 PM
R19 My class? What are you talking about?
|by Anonymous||reply 90||June 26, 2022 9:39 PM
Buy a mirror and a dildo...learn to please yourself first.
|by Anonymous||reply 91||June 26, 2022 11:46 PM
Then what, R89/OP? After the software engineer arrived home, did you politely excuse yourself, or did you continue to hang around until they reluctantly invited you to stay?
|by Anonymous||reply 92||June 27, 2022 2:06 PM
R92 I talked to them both for a bit and left maybe 10-15 minutes later.
|by Anonymous||reply 93||June 27, 2022 5:53 PM
OP, your future depends on hot you are. Attach pics to give us a better assessment.
|by Anonymous||reply 94||June 27, 2022 6:25 PM
OP - Who do you want to play the role of you in the true crime series based on the (very soon to happen) murder of the software engineer?
|by Anonymous||reply 95||June 27, 2022 6:51 PM
R95 why would I kill him?
|by Anonymous||reply 96||June 27, 2022 7:13 PM
Goodness, wait around long enough, many threads do become SO interesting.
|by Anonymous||reply 97||June 27, 2022 7:19 PM
I say this only because I thought it might interest people, not to oh dear the OP, but...
The phrase isn't "third wheel". It's "fifth wheel" - like the spare tire in your car, if you get me.
|by Anonymous||reply 99||June 27, 2022 8:59 PM
Are you secretly holding onto the hope the lawyer will leave the software engineer for you, OP? What is the endgame here?
|by Anonymous||reply 100||June 28, 2022 2:02 AM
[quote]R7 The lawyer is a runner. He runs like 3 miles everyday. I made a comment to the software engineer about running with him and he said "he likes to run alone to clear his head." Kind of harsh.
You can always run behind him each day. Just keep out of sight.
|by Anonymous||reply 103||June 28, 2022 2:46 AM
I went over for wine the other day. I said something about a fancy things growing up and the lawyer said
"we just have two completely different lifestyles. I grew up with country clubs and debutantes, you did not. You would not really understand unless you grew up in it."
Kind of hurt my feelings. The software engineer smiled.
|by Anonymous||reply 104||July 5, 2022 9:07 PM
You need to find regular gay guys to hang out with, not A-gays Op nothing good will come of it.
|by Anonymous||reply 105||July 5, 2022 9:11 PM
They are weird. They only watch literary adaptations of films. They love Merchant Ivory type of movies. The own a ton of books and buy the restored Blu Ray of the films. They are kind of boring, but they lawyer basically said he was richer and more sophisticated than me.
|by Anonymous||reply 106||July 5, 2022 9:21 PM
R105 How are they A-gays?
|by Anonymous||reply 107||July 5, 2022 10:43 PM
When you get older, you won't even give a damn.
|by Anonymous||reply 108||July 5, 2022 10:58 PM
So why do you keep hanging around them?
What exactly is your motive?
|by Anonymous||reply 109||July 5, 2022 11:00 PM
There are different types of A-gays R105, these two sound like the rich and artsy variety.
|by Anonymous||reply 110||July 5, 2022 11:05 PM
Why are we still responding to this pathetic thread?
|by Anonymous||reply 111||July 5, 2022 11:25 PM
R19 Do you think your petty, mean-spirited snobbery is helpful?
|by Anonymous||reply 112||July 5, 2022 11:38 PM
A-gays? Is this like a revamped version of the A-Team ?
|by Anonymous||reply 113||July 6, 2022 12:05 AM
R110 I'm not sure. They have season tickets to the symphony, opera, ballet, NFL, MLB, and USSF. They travel to cool places two to three times a year. They own a BMW and a Lexis. I know the lawyer inherited a lot of money and they make a lot of money.
|by Anonymous||reply 114||July 6, 2022 12:13 AM
The OP's seeming lack of self-awareness and his willingness to continually intrude and break boundaries is some of the most cringeworthy shit I've heard in a long time. Stop obsessing over the lives of others OP, and spend that time and energy improving yourself, and building one of your own.
If anything, use it as inspiration, but avoid the Eve Harrington route. It didn't end well for her. Not well-read? Read. Take a class. Not in good shape? Make those changes. Create a life you want to be a part of, and stop bothering those who had the forethought to do all of those things a long time ago.
...Or you could just continue behave this way, if just for the sheer delight of DL. That's also an option. But not one I would take.
|by Anonymous||reply 115||July 6, 2022 12:26 AM
Join the Navy. You'll make lots of friends and never be lonely.
|by Anonymous||reply 116||July 6, 2022 12:50 AM
[quote] "Or you could just continue behave this way"
*...continue TO behave this way
|by Anonymous||reply 117||July 6, 2022 1:03 AM
R115 Ass. They are really my only friends.
|by Anonymous||reply 118||July 6, 2022 1:34 AM
Hmmm… this poster seems familiar, but also claimed to be a frau in one of its many other past incarnations.
|by Anonymous||reply 119||July 6, 2022 2:09 AM
Apparently, also the OP of this thread…
|by Anonymous||reply 121||July 6, 2022 2:14 AM
You’re actually a 15-year-old girl, aren’t you, OP? No one else could be this delusional.
|by Anonymous||reply 122||July 6, 2022 2:25 AM