I Need Advice On a Crush

Hi, John/PMBT. Does your crush have any used textbooks to sell?

He’s toying with you for the ego boost. Avoid.

Don't humiliate yourself and ruin things. End of story.

OP some people are just flirty. Let it go, move on. You will ruin the dynamic of this group if you confess this to anyone. Back off a tiny bit. If he were to have some feelings for you, then he'd step up in response. You already know all of this.

He's breadcrumbing you and using you to cure boredom, boost his ego, etc.

Lift caftan, present hole

Once again OP, DL is coming through with solid advice that you may not want to hear but is doubtless 100% true. You can do better. So do better. Spend the time you now spend worrying about him figuring out what emotional void you're looking for someone to fill. It's actually not him at all, it's the feelings you have when you're with him and things are going well that you're chasing.

You won't transform yourself into someone he professes undying love to one magic day like in the movies. Figure out why you need to fixate on someone who's markedly unavailable as opposed to enjoying someone who IS available.

Report back and tell us how it goes.

Does he know that you're gay?

Get one of the girls in the group to pass him a note saying that you like him, but only if he likes you.

This sounds about as mature a solution as your post warrants.

He's into you but waiting for you to make the first move. Go in for a kiss next time he offers you a hug.

Claim him in public

Point #1 is all I needed to know - although I read the whole thing.

He is not into you. No one who likes you would leave you on read.

Find someone better. Telling him you like him will result in you losing the friend group, I fear, and friends are tough to find.

Nothing good comes from being a closet case. Ever

What kind of things does he do to upset you, OP? If he's younger or immature, it could be pigtail pulling to get your attention. Or if it's just you being oversensitive, he might find you flaky and that's why he's leaving you on read.

OP here.

Yes he knows I’m gay. In the group settings I always share my stories about my hook-ups. As u can tell, im single so I usually have either a funny or fun GRINDR story to share. He never shares his thought so that’s why I don’t know if he is even bisexual. He keeps his cards close to his chest.

The things he will do to upset me are when I really don’t think he likes me and he’ll make a comment or something that I find hurtful and I regress to being a 13 year old girl. I know this behavior probably makes him like me even less than he already does.

I doubt he dislikes you if he reaches out to you too, OP. He's probably picked up on your crush and either 1) wants to distance himself a little so as not to lead you on, or 2) is indecisive about his own feelings.

You know your life and your friends better than any DLers. But I will say from personal experience straight guys are way more likely to enjoy the attention and flirt back than they used to be. I had false hope over a flirty straight guy once till I could see from his behavior (obsessing, ogling etc) that he only lusted for women.

R15 Have you read the replies here? You "ask for advice," but don't acknowledge it?

OP, find someone else to crush on. If you are an adult over 28 and have a good "friends group" that's a blessing and I wouldn't ruin it.

Just ask him if he is hitting on you. Say you are getting mixed singles and want to know. That simple!

R17 Hi! OP here. Yes, I’m reading the replies. Although it’s a bummer…I see what the consensus so far is.

OP if he’s as into you as you are into him, something would have happened by now.

Listen to the advice up thread from those of us who have been through this scenario before - I wish that I had had the same advice back when I was where you are now.

I think that you are waiting for someone to tell you that he’s into you and you just have to do this or that to get with him. That will be highly unlikely to happen. The bottom line is - why would you want to be with someone who needs to be convinced into being with you?

Send him a Spotify play list with this banger!

I do sympathise, OP. It's frustrating trying to read between the lines, and you drive yourself mad reading into every little word they say/ type. I very recently learnt about limerence. I find myself crushing on people constantly, and building up a whole universe with my crush in it. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I become kind of stalker like, planning how I can appear in the same places. I'm going to mention this to my psychiatrist at our next session. I think I'm looking to fill voids in my life or in myself by fixating on my crushes.

My advice - enjoy the fantasy you've created, and find a new crush. Good luck.

P.s. I'm currently crushing on a snow sports instructor I spoke to once a fortnight ago who I will never see again. I've been visiting his Facebook profile several times a day to look at him - Mary!!

Hey, OP. I’m kind of empathetic. I certainly know how it feels to want someone who gives you no clear clue where his head is at. In my mind, that’s reason enough to drop the whole thing and move on.

My real point though is it does no one any good to be tracking others’ responses to our messages. Why are you even bothering to check if he’s read or hasn’t read your messages.

You can’t control anything he does. Nothing. You can’t make him do anything and even if you could, what good would it do you if he responded more quickly or more frequently just because he knew you’d like that. No good at all. Because then you’d never know if his seeming interest in you is genuine or just because of pressure he feels from you.

You can only control two things. One, your own actions. Two, how you respond to others’ actions—or inaction.

Try to think about the situation objectively. If you were interested in some guy, would YOU be behaving the way THIS guy is behaving. No. Of course not. So why would you even begin to accept this behavior from him.

I mean, for god’s sake, after all of this back and forth, NOW you’re telling you you don’t even know if he’s into men!

I’m not trying to be mean, but step away and get real. For your own sake.

OP, do you ever socialize with him that is not with the group or by messaging? Casually suggest to him if he’s interested in going for drinks or having lunch sometime; or something else such as watching a game together. Make it something the larger group would not seek to attend. If he expresses interest and suggests a time, then he is interested. If he doesn’t, don’t press it and just remain group friends. He doesn’t want to be boyfriends with you. Don’t tell him you romantically like him. Your interaction with him is not bonded enough to go there at this point, if ever.

OP, please tell me you’re 14. Otherwise get help.

[quote] I think that you are waiting for someone to tell you that he’s into you and you just have to do this or that to get with him.

Yes, agree with this. If someone is into you, they will make it easy for you, not difficult.

R25 so this is a little tricky. About 8 weeks ago he actually suggested we hang out solo. I, of course, said yes and we had a totally platonic “date” of dinner and a movie. To not disrupt the friend balance of the group, I didn’t push anything romantic. I also got scared and steered the conversation away from anything like that. To be fair, he didn’t bring it up either.

We haven’t gone anywhere alone since.

I feel like I might have screwed it up, but I also think if he was interested, he would try again. Or maybe he just wanted to get to know me better as a friend? Who knows.

Is your crush in your program, OP?

OP it sounds as though you are only waiting for someone to validate your crush, not interested in anything otherwise.

Good luck, but I’m telling you that in 5 years’ time you’ll look back at this thread and think “what the hell was I thinking?”.

If two people are equally into each other, they get it on.

OP, is he an "inferior" race?

The confirmation bias is strong with this one.

He's not into you, OP.

I'm guessing you're in your early 20s. I've been there: deluded into thinking I was in a relationship when I was doing 90% of "the work."

Hit him back up to see if he wants to go to another movie, OP/r28. And this time don't be a pussy - stick your dick in the popcorn

OP is this you casually running into him in public?

R35 I actually don’t run into him in public.

I do think this has been clarifying. I agree with the above poster who said I was probably hoping the response would be, “maybe he likes you.”

At the end of the day, if someone likes you…they show it. Even if they aren’t good with words…they show it.

He doesn’t say it or show it.

His birthday was yesterday. I private messaged him Happy Birthday. He “saw” but didn’t respond.

Folks I have my answer, I guess

Move on, OP. Focus your energies and thoughts elsewhere.

Sounds like you're his ego booster, OP. When he needs the attention I bet he writes back promptly. When he is otherwise occupied, he can't be bothered engaging with you. Remind yourself that you mean nothing to him next time you feel yourself pining for him.

Also, once it's clear to him that you're no longer crushing, expect him to suddenly become more responsive and charming. He'll miss your adoration.

Take it from me, OP. Tell him no more games. Ask him if he wants excellent lady poosie or not. If he says yes, demand he calls upon your company within 48 hours. That’s enough time for him to build up his juices. If he says no or makes excuses, shun him.

[quote] I private messaged him Happy Birthday. He “saw” but didn’t respond.

Please stop now, before it becomes humiliating. R39 is accurate.

OP, I would consider why you're so focused on this one guy from within your friend group. To me it sounds like you need to expand your dating and maybe even your friendship circles. Rather than waiting for someone new to walk into your life get out there and meet new people.

Did you ever pass your NCLEX test?

Send him this note--it will solve all your problems, and at a safe distance:

______

Dear Dreamboat,

Do you like me? Check one:

Yes___

No___

signed,

Anxious

Tell him you only have 1 month to live and need sex

R41 that’s the problem. It is humiliating. I am humiliated, hurt and sad.

OP— forget him. And if he needs that ego boost and turns on the attention and charm, be polite and don’t flutter and think he’s now interested. He’s not.

He’s a cunt for toying with your feelings and I bet he does this to others. You’re better on your own.

Wouldn’t it be more humiliating for your friends/co-workers to pity you or worse, snigger at you behind your back?

Listen to R47, OP. He gets it. Embrace your inner bitch and ice this guy out.

This advice holds true for straight or gay men: men are not complicated and they are not subtle. If a man likes you, you will know. If you are uncertain, then he does not like you.

This guy does not like you. Move on. Stop messaging him.

This is true. He literally “liked” every post on his fb wishing him a happy birthday but couldn’t be bothered to write me back.

How embarrassing.

I deserve something better

Don't you dare get him a gift, OP!

Oh, so you were waiting for him to reply to your birthday message while you were worrying it out with us yesterday? I love a good soap opera, haha.

R51 too late. Which makes everything worse. We hung out over the weekend prior to the actual birthday. R52 yes…I’m so pathetic

[quote] He literally “liked” every post

He literally did, huh? Yikes. You're not pathetic, but don't use "literally" unnecessarily.

None of this is pathetic, OP. It sounds like you now know you just need to stop. Every single person has had an unrequited crush - everyone. Don't sweat it. You're not continuing to do anything, so you're fine.

Yeah don’t beat yourself up about it OP. It happens to all of us. You will be over it and crushing on someone else soon.

Everyone has an unrequited crush...when they're 12 years old.

He'll probably drop a breadcrumb soon.

R57 Throughout adulthood

R55 R56 thank you! R58 that is what I’m worried about too. It will be one of two things either (1) complete radio silence until we all hang out again which will probably be next weekend (2) drop a breadcrum that will sad because now I see them for what they truly are

OP I’ve been there (like many of us) and I’m telling you now that if you don’t rip the Band-Aid off now you are opening yourself up to years of self torture over this guy. Continuing to interpret every communication, wondering if this is the night when you’ll get together, obsessing over who he is fucking, trying not to think about him and failing.

And he’ll sail along happy in the knowledge that you worship him and remaining completely uninterested in you..

Have you tried choreographing a dance just for him, and expressing your feelings through the language of movement?

3) I’m super sensitive because I like him, and therefore, usually get hurt or pissed at something he says or does when we are together. So we’ve kind of gotten into a rut of fighting and making up.

He does not have any interest of having a sexual or any long term relationship with you. You are in love with him, but he does not love you, SNAP out of it. There is no problem to fantasize but this is completely stupid for your age.

Just go out and get sportfucked good and think about him while you're doing it. Might allow you to move on. Maybe you're just horny and are tired of being single. He sounds like his mysteriousness is what keeps your panties wet.

(64) Best way to get over a man is to get under one!

What I need help with is we are all hanging this weekend.

I’m obviously hurt and upset. I agree I am acting like a teenage girl, but I can’t help how I feel. How do I not be shitty to him in person that will make the evening awkward…and at the same time, not fall into old habits with him in person if he tries to act like everything is fine?

yes, I think we've all been there. throwing yourself at someone you thought was interested in you. You got it wrong. You feel terrible and I've felt this way before, the fucking humiliation and embarrassment. The last time I did this, the guy was actually someone I worked with and still have to have contact with on a regular basis. I didn't get anything wrong, he did make passes at me and I wasn't even available. He thought I would cheat on my partner with him coz he's only into flings and he's my partner's friend. So I guess he had 2nd thoughts and I was never gonna do nothing but was just playing along....but still it hurts to be rejected.

Yes, I still communicate with this man, we do have a connection but it is not meant to be due to timing.

R66, it's gonna be so hard. esp if you are not good at acting and wear your heart on your sleeve. Do you think you can even look him into his eyes?

I would just try to avoid alone time with him and hang more with other friends. but act cool and say hi bye etc.

[quote] I agree I am acting like a teenage girl, but I can’t help how I feel.

You sound like a Golden Girl, OP. "I have to say what I feel. Miami has so much appeal."

R68 bad news is I’m hosting the get together so avoiding will be somewhat difficult. I do wear my heart on my sleeve but I also don’t want my other friends to feel any tension..

R66 if you don’t think you can handle the situation, cancel the event. You should not be around him until you can accept that he has done nothing wrong. He doesn’t have to like you (romantically or platonically), he doesn’t have to pay you attention, he doesn’t have to acknowledge your birthday wishes or answer your unsolicited messages, he does not owe you anything at all. What you see as him “fighting” or “ignoring you” etc. is him sensing that you have a crush on him and trying to keep you at arm’s length so that you will understand he does not reciprocate it.

His actions toward you are very clear and they are not intended to hurt you. You are clinging to that feeling because you want to believe he has SOME emotion toward you. But he does not, and you cannot make him. Like you, he simply does not want to blow up the friend group, and he is trying to allow you the opportunity (and dignity) of letting this go without him having to tell you to your face that he is not into you. I highly recommend that you take him up on that.

PARTICULARLY because, based on everything you’ve said, I’m pretty sure this guy is straight. Your friends are going to see you as a creeper if you pursue a straight guy when you have been given zero encouragement by him. You need to just let it go.

who knows, maybe he won't show up!

OP, don't sit in a corner, sipping your drink from a straw, staring daggers into this guy. Put on your big boy panties and grow up, like everybody else. Be cordial, don't try to talk things over, MOVE ON with your life. Geez.

It's too dramatic to cancel. Be pleasant to this guy but set boundaries at your event, then hang with someone else from your group most of the night. Don't act insulted or be obvious about it, just find your closest and/or comfort person and enjoy yourself with them. You've moved on, no big deal.

yes OP, this is a learning experience for you. you can do it! good luck!

you will find another man who is worthy of your time

Can you invite another guest to this event at your place, OP, or is it a strict in-group only gathering? Because I suggest you invite a good friend who has your back and can pull you up if they sense you starting to get prissy and flouncy. Also, nothing like disgust to douse the flames of unrequited love. I've often forced myself to dwell on the absolute worst aspects of a crushes personality and/ or physical features to speed up the healing process. Look for his flaws. He's only human - he shits and wanks and smells his balls like the rest of us. You've put him on a pedestal. If you can take him off it, you'll get through this.

And, OP, for the love of God, DO NOT try to broach the subject at the event. Not even in a light hearted, jocular way. Don't say "oh I had a crush on you." I feel like you're starting to spiral. You need to pull yourself together man!

Also, what did you buy him for his birthday? I'm nosey and invested in this saga now.

R76 thanks!

R77 we all went to a book fair. He had his eye on a book and I bought it for him. I asked him not to tell our friends because we all typically don’t by birthday gifts for eachother.

I think that was a huge mistake. I wasn’t thinking when I said it… what’s worse is I don’t want to talk about it again but I also feel like I need to tell him that I didn’t mean anything by it when I said it. Mary!

Great idea OP. Continually dissect any and all interactions with him to the point of hysteria. Make sure to over compensate and explain any and all interactions days after they have occurred.

How could he not want to fall in love with you?

"boys and girls"???

How many people are in this exclusive group OP?

OP R79 speaks the truth.

[quote] but I also feel like I need to tell him that I didn’t mean anything by it when I said it.

R78 No. Absolutely do not even bring it up. Move the fck on, christ. Do you just WANT more awkwardness?? Do not mention it at all. It is not a topic of discussion.

PLEASE tell us that he's NOT straight

I get what you guys are all saying, but I definitely think things took a turn with the gift thing. He seemed uneasy that I asked him not to tell anyone. I didn’t think the whole thing through and spontaneously did it…we haven’t obviously spoken since that night and I do think I came off badly with it (I know you guys are saying I haven’t come off well in any of it from the get-go)

I just wish that hadn’t happened. I wish things were different. I wish he liked me…but that’s okay, I can handle that he is not in love with me…but…I wish I wouldn’t have done whatever I did that made me lose him altogether as a friend. I don’t make new friends so easily. I’ve had the same group of friends forever. There isn’t really space for me to make new friends. I work remote and there isn’t a “scene” so a new guy entered our little friend group and I attempted to make a new friend for the first time in like 10 years…and I blew it. I was too much of everything. He probably is straight, grew uncomfortable around me and then I blew it all together over the weekend.

I just wanted a happy ending

R85 You have not necessarily lost him as a friend but you need to be real with yourself: you didn’t want him as a friend, you wanted him as a romantic partner. That is not going to happen. It was always a fantasy.

You can still have him as a friend if you treat him as a friend. Which means letting it go. NOW. Don’t bring it up. Don’t project feelings onto him. Don’t ask him to discuss it.

If you had a friend — say, one of the girls in the group — that you had zero romantic interest in, no sexual compatibility with, etc. and she was always mooning around pining after you, messaging you without being asked, and picking fights if you don’t pay her attention, what would you want her to do?

LET IT GO. WITHOUT BRINGING IT UP AGAIN.

Also, you need to get on the apps or go to the gay bars or join some social groups where you will meet some openly gay people. You’re only pining for this guy because he’s the only man you’ve met for a while.

Curious as to what age you are, OP. I can relate to your situation from my younger days, say my early 20’s.

Now i have to be blunt, because you did ask for advice.

[TOUGH LOVE]

You need to STOP FIXATING ON HIM. STOP! This “crush” thing is making you behave in immature, self-insulting ways and it’s only causing you pain and stress.

In your mind you’ve probably painted him as your ideal guy, and you need to break free of that. If he was interested (or even gay/bi) you’d know by now. As others have noted, there’s maybe part of him, specifically his ego, that is secretly enjoying your misplaced attention. Major ego boost. I often had straight male friends would kind of flirt with me and I’d flirt back. It harmless fun and boosted everyone’s ego, but I NEVER went there in my mind. I kept them firmly in the friend zone because I knew that’s all that was on offer and all I needed.

You need to start focusing on his flaws as a person. Guaranteed, if you change the way you are seeing him in your mind (you are CHOOSING to see him as some kind of ideal guy), the way you feel about him will change. Instead of having an idealised view of him, focus on any flaws and shortcomings—and they’re bound to be there, because we all have them. I guarantee if you change the way you’re choosing to view him, it will make this much much easier.

You also currently have a case of “oneitis”. You are fixating on just one guy—and it’s a guy who, by all available evidence, is JUST NOT INTO YOU. By continuing to indulge in this “crush”, you are causing yourself pain.

You said you were on Grindr and hook up with other guys. Put your attention on that! Have fun, have great sex, meet new guys! Focus on that so there’s no extra bandwidth for your mind to obsess over this one guy.

Enjoy your life, OP. You are just causing yourself misery focusing on just one guy who is clearly not after anything more than friendship. You are also in danger of sabotaging your standing with this group of friends. It could so easily get “weird” so just focus on them as what they are: friends. Put romance or sex with him out of your mind. You can get that from meeting actual gay guys who are actually open to it and who will reciprocate.

[/TOUGH LOVE]

OP, if I were there I'd slap you upside the head for "I just wanted a happy ending." You are clearly not an old person, therefore you are a long way from any kind of ending. This "relationship" is only a blip in your life story, but it is up to you to ensure it doesn't become your pattern. Listen to R87.

I have a friend who had the kind of semi-relationship you describe for years. It ended in a debacle, of course. But he used what he learned from it when looking for his next partner, and has now been happy with the loveliest guy for well over ten years (and going strong). They are easy together and therefore easy to be with, and consequently are surrounded by love and support. He would tell you in a heartbeat -- that is the ending you are depriving yourself of by wasting your focus on this guy.

PS It is an infallible rule that you can't be friends with someone you've crushed on until you've replaced the crush with a true partner. Once you're happy with someone else, I think you'll be surprised how little impetus you feel towards being this guy's friend.

OP needs to make some GAY FRIENDS.

Stop worshipping the straight people you choose to hang around.

Get to know some GAY MEN and you will finally enjoy yourself and gain more confidence.

THAT is the singular solution.

STOP giving love/attention to someone who isn't available to you.

very hard lesson but you need to learn this.

With a straight face, ask him for a cream pie. You’ll get the answer whether you want it or not!

OP, did you talk this over with your guidance counselor yet? Did they offer any insight?

I’m in my mid-thirties, which I know is old enough to know better. Thank you R87 for the tough love. It’s hard right now and I’m ready for the hurt to end.

In fairness to OP, this guy's sending mixed signals too. Take R86 's point-- if a straight girl were flirty with OP all the time, would it be smart to single her out for dinner and a movie? He came into this friend group late, acted flirty, and showed OP special interest. I bet he at least partially feels like he misplayed things himself.

R94 thank you! I do feel like he has some “blame” in what happened. Yes, I probably made the situation what it is…but it did take two of us to create the mess.

R93 as I said, we’ve all been there. I think by my 30’s I decided, nope, unless I’m actually in a relationship, I would never fixate on just one guy. I would meet lots of guys either as friends or possibly more, had a few fuck buddies; I refused to settle all my attentions on just one guy unless I really, really liked him and he was actually interested. Life is kind of a zero sum game anyway. For all a person will have good and appealing qualities, there are definitely bound to be qualities that aren’t. To wean yourself off somebody, it does help to contemplate their not so good qualities.

I wish you happiness, OP! Don’t beat yourself up over this, just move on and replace the void of your attention over him with other guys. Life is so short. Let loose and enjoy it and only give your heart to someone who truly deserves it.

You really need to speak to seasoned lesbians on how to get the fellow’s pants off and put-out. It’s a skill and technique. Fretting won’t help. Two bottoms won’t make a right. F’k group dynamics.

So, do you like the pole or the hole?

If you won a cruise, which one would you take, Tom or Penelope?

He’s emotionally unavailable (and probably straight) and that’s a large part of what appeals to you. If he was openly gay and actually into you - it wouldn’t be as exciting, it would get scary and the crush would quickly fade.

I do the same thing OP. It’s a fear of intimacy. It wastes years of your life. You stay stunted in these crushes and engage in immature behavior like this where you are over analyzing situations to avoid having to actually get into a relationship with another openly gay man who likes you.

I get it. But try to stop.

Also, Do NOT brag or share stories about your GRINDR hookups UNLESS it's a group discussion. Even then, I would avoid anything he may find offputting.

R100 and R101 thank you!

It’s interesting you say that because I was thinking the same thing. In the group chatter, the girls ask me about my hook-ups and escapades because they don’t do that kind of thing. He is polite about it…but I really don’t know how he feels hearing about that kind of stuff.

Stupidly I try and make him jealous by showing him pictures of guys I hook up with, that are more attractive than he is…but I don’t think he really cares either way lol

^ I think you hit the nail on the head with that last sentence, OP. I also think your fixation on an unavailable man is a kind of self-sabotage mechanism. It’s not uncommon. You deserve better though, much better. Take the whole situation as a little wake up call. You’re obviously looking for love and intimacy with someone. Start looking in the right places, and enjoy your life. Never waste your time and affection on somebody who doesn’t deserve it.

OP—You’re gotten solid, good and compassionate advice in this thread about moving on from this guy for your own good, yet you still keep bleating away, full of hurt and self-pity.

You can’t always get what you want. That is just life.

Wear twice as much underwear. Rub his penis down with rubbing alcohol first.

OP I don't know how old you are (maybe you said it somewhere upthread) but you seem on the younger side. Please listen to what everyone is telling you and try to get your shit together now.

I know it isn't easy. It feels much safer to analyze this guy's reactions to you and think about what he thinks, and go over your interactions with him, etc. It is much harder to actually put yourself out there for another gay man who is looking for a relationship.

But I promise you - this obsessing over unavailable (likely) straight men will waste years of your life. And those are years where you could be working on getting into an actual relationship. I wasted my 20s and my 30s with this exact type of shit - fixating the same way you are. And as you age, it only gets harder to change.

yeah OP, you need to find a hobby or when him at the gathering, focus on his ugly clothes or shoes or something negative about him.

OP is going to blow it, I have a feeling in my waters. I foresee a major hissy fit, a whole lot of flouncing and a broken friendship group.

R108 I think I already blew it.

To quote Camelot

“And now there’s twice as much grief, twice the strain for us

Twice the despair, twice the pain for us.

Now you’re quoting Camelot, OP? You’re still in your teens, aren’t you?

You’re obsessing over someone who couldn’t be less interested in you, still fantasising in your head about how you’ll get together.

For your next posting, how about describing you and not-at-all-interested guy as “a pair of star crossed lovers”? Credit to Shakespeare, of course.

Surely I’m not the first person to see this?

[quote]I try and have private conversations with him in social media private messages, he’s really hard to engage with. Usually he leaves me on read, or will respond with one or two word responses. I get the hint with this and stop engaging. Then out of the blue, he will direct message me a meme of some kind and then I’m sucked back in again. But then it’s like it never happened, and he’s back to less engagement.

OP I swear to God I am not fucking with you.

HE HAS ASPERGERS SYNDROME.

Your mindgames are CONFUSING HIM. Just tell him how you feel.

Good luck!

OP and his friendship group.

I have an update for anyone who cares.

We are hanging as a group this weekend. I’m no longer hosting, I asked a friend if they could host instead. I’m not 100% sure he will be there, but it seems likely.

If he is there I will be cordial and just act like nothing happened, but I won’t go out of my way to be alone with him.

You all are right, it’s obvious as I look at this that he doesn’t like me.

If he’s not there, after this weekend, I’m going to pull back from hanging for a while.

Please read the below in the voice of James Woods as Hades

HE HAS ASPERGERS YOU PEA BRAIN

EVERYTHING YOU WRITE ABOUT HIM MAKES IT CLEAR HE HAS ASPERGERS

THE DIFFICULT WITH PROMPT COMMUNICATION. THE COMMUNICATION WITH MEMES. THE FORMAL HUGGING GREETING RITUAL BUT OTHERWISE NOT TOUCHY FEELY. THE AIR OF NONCHALANCE AND INDIFFERENCE.

YOU NEED TO TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE HE WILL NEVER INTUIT IT.

[quote] Stupidly I try and make him jealous by showing him pictures of guys I hook up with, that are more attractive than he is…but I don’t think he really cares either way lol

R102 / OP please read what you wrote. I'm 100% not saying this in a mean way, but you really need to work on maturity in general. The whole scenario you've described above would make me cringe if I witnessed it in real life.

Yes r115 I also noticed that.

If OP’s crush is an Aspie, he may already find him cruel.

Can I ask a question? If my crush has Asperger’s, why would he find me cruel?

I don’t think we know enough about him to diagnose him Aspie. My read is simply this: he’s a straight guy who is maybe giving some mixed signals, which could come down to social awkwardness or maybe he knows Op has a crush and is playing on that, whether consciously or unconsciously, as it’s an ego boost.

Either way, OP, you need to just put this whole thing out of your head. It’s never going to happen. And even if it did, it would probably end up a bitter disappointment and cause problems with your friend circle. It seems to me you need to fill your life up more; you’re clearly not very satisfied, so go do stuff! Get hobbies, projects, learn something new and MEET MORE GUYS; guys that might actually be able to reciprocate. You’re just self harming by keeping this going in your head. You’re too in your head; you need to get out and find ways to enjoy your life. Life is short! Quit this silliness and move on.

Because Aspergers people project nonchalance and indifference when in reality they are hypersensitive about every social interaction they experience. They will be insecure about initiating romantic and intimate gestures. By going over to him and boasting to him of your conquests, he probably felt you were trying to shame and emasculate him.

Let me guess. You’re attracted to him because he has a peaceful demeanor and pretty eyes.

R119 that’s interesting. Yeah I think I might have hurt his feelings without realizing it.

Well…this morning I found my answer.. one my best friends who is in the group friendship (and is a woman) messaged me and told me that he and she are riding together to the party on Friday and that they’ve been messaging eachother a lot this week and she likes him and that Friday is going to kinda be a date for them.

So he’s not gay and probably has a crush on my friend that is a girl. Looking back, that was probably wht he was trying to get closer to me to get close to her. Perhaps that’s why he wanted a friendship with me in the beginning, so that he and she would get closer in the end. Then the gift thing happened and he probably realized I liked him…and then he backed off and ghosted me. I feel so stupid.

To say that I feel like an idiot is an understatement. Thank you all for all of your support through this.

It’s sad that I was weary of dating him because I didn’t want to upset the group dynamic and the whole time he wanted her…and she didn’t care either way about the group dynamic and will date him.

Oh well. I have mixed feelings about going on Friday. If I don’t go, I will probably look even worse, if I do go I’m going to be miserable.

R121, just go but leave early. what time is the gathering? are you guys having dinner? say you have something planned later that evening or going out with date after he gets off work etc.

Good luck to you! you will get over this very soon. don't dwell on it. forget it!

R122 it’s dinner and games afterword. I agree, I think leaving after dinner is the best choice. Thank you for the words. It’s hard now because I still like him and I feel foolish and also angry with my friend, even though none of it is her fault.

Wait you bought him a gift? What the fuck is wrong with you?

I mean maybe a small gift like some candy or something is OK

Did you buy him a shirt? Please don't tell me you bought him a shirt.

R125 further up, we all went to a book fair and I bought him a book he had been looking at. I know…looking back…it was all a mistake.

I don’t know how I will get through Friday with a smile on my face. I feel like I’m in a bad gay movie that would be released on TLA or Wolfe video

How expensive was the book?

EST!

R127 just $10. I should have not done it and now my friend can buy him everything since apparently Friday is the first date

Oh that’s fine. That’s a nice thoughtful gift.

You didn’t write a note inside the cover did you?

None of this is impossible to smooth over OP-- you're just in the stage of embarrassment. You'll feel much better when you can show him you've moved on and it's cool.

Also you guys are out of pocked to suggest Asperger's on a whim. What I'm reading is just a straight guy who likes OP as a person but doesn't reciprocate romantic feelings.

I’m not suggesting Aspergers on a whim. I detected it right away.

Don’t want my opinion? Go repost this in the Aspergers reddit and see what they say.

My sympathies. Had a similar situation in college. I liked a guy and was sure he was gay and interested, but no, he was being friendly with me to get to one of my female friends. Sucks, but that’s life. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, let the bruises heal and move onwards and upwards! At least you can draw a line under this now and find yourself a hot guy to forget all about him.

R130 no I didn’t write a note. The bad thing was I made it seem like it was “our secret” which he didn’t like. In real time he seemed uncomfortable with this, but after I said it, it was already “out there” and I couldn’t take it back.

Oh. So you offended him by making it seem like you don’t want to know him after giving him a gift.

You appear to take great pains to make this poor Aspie with kind eyes as rejected as possible.

And before you say, “Oh it’s just because he’s straight,” you know, bisexual men do exist. Or men coming to terms with their sexuality. He may have found you intriguing because you appear to be very out and after all he agreed to spend time with you alone. But you appear determined to insult him and emasculate him at every opportunity.

R129, you shouldn’t be angry at your friend. She did you a favor: she told you in advance what was going on between her and this guy. Would you rather have had it come as a nasty surprise when you were with a group of people?

What’s the phrase; if you can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen. OP?

Make friends- common chit chat. It ain’t rocket science.

To: I NED ADVICE ON A CRUSH! You omitted some important info. about yourself and your crush: (1) is he gay, straight or you don't know? (2) you did not describe your self, do you consider yourself above average (1 to 10) or just average. (3)is he goodlooking (1 to 10), physically fit? what I'm getting at, to him you're not good enough to take this flirting to the next level!! if you are just a plain jane! (WE ARE TALKING ABOUT EGOES!!) I suspect, you don't meet his criteria for someone he wants for a relationship! BUT IF HE'S STR8, forget it, he'll never change, and the way he treats you he is just playing with you, because if he was interested in you, he would be ;opening doors for you, and would (by now) asking you for a date!

R138 I don’t know whether it’s just a sign I need my bed but your post is borderline unreadable. Switch to decaf!

Look at your crush this way: it's not the guy himself, but the feelings he awakened in you driving the desire. Feelings you're capable of having with someone else.

What is it that scratched the itch? A partner who can talk to you more than just a grindr hookup? Someone smart, kind etc? You can get it elsewhere if you look.

[quote]He's breadcrumbing you and using you to cure boredom, boost his ego, etc.

I think this may be the case. Here's what breadcrumbing means, in case you don't know. Although I don't think the phenomenon is limited to online communication, as this definition seems to have it.

I think my story is tale as old as time as I reflect.

1) straight guy enters new friend group. He is funny and charming and takes an interest in the gay guy. Gay guy mis-reads affection for real feelings and develops a crush on said straight guy.

2) straight guy asks to hang with gay guy privately. Gay guy feels over the moon about this and has dinner/movie.

3) straight guy is a horrible texter/messenger/communicator

4) gay guy feeling insecure and desperate, over compensates and buys friend a birthday gift and even more desperately tries to frame the situation as a special secret between the two.

5) straight guy becomes uneasy about this and realizes the extent of what is happening and backs off friendship and basically ghosts gay guy.

6) gay guy is devastated, hurt and depressed at losing not only a crush, but a new friend. A new friend he genuinely liked x

7) straight guy moves on to girl in friend group and they start dating.

8) gay guy, lonely, embarrassed, used and defeated tries to move on.

Or:

1. Bisexual or closeted Spectrum guy enters friend group.

2. May be intrigued by your flagrant and overt sexuality which he interprets as confidence. Wants to get to know you better because he may be uncomfortable just jumping into dating another man.

3. Struggles to communicate because of Aspergers.

4. You repeatedly insult him then buy him a gift and promptly shit on it.

5. Terrified bi guy returns to women.

Order the book you got him for each member of your friend group. Then at the get together, present a copy to each friend, and explain what happened. If you do that, everyone will admire your generosity and candor. And he'll probably fall in love with you.

[quote] Also you guys are out of pocked to suggest Asperger's on a whim. What I'm reading is just a straight guy who likes OP as a person but doesn't reciprocate romantic feelings.

Agreed 100%. There is NOTHING about this guy that seems Aspergery. He is acting like every straight asshole ever has acted since the beginning of time.

R143 that’s even more heartbreaking. It is in the back of my mind that maybe is he bisexual and maybe there was a chance, somewhere that I had a chance with him, but I was too much and blew it and not it’s gone forever. He

If you can't put your feelings aside, you shouldn't go to this get together tonight. A week or two would give you time to put all this in perspective.

R147 I feel like I have to go just to prove to myself and to him that everything is okay and act like nothing is wrong and I’m not hurt. It’s acting and a total lie, but I think it will help everything. Plus it will show my girlfriend that I’m supportive or her and happy for her. After this weekend then I can cool with them and step back from the friendships. Clearly he wants distance as well, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

What grade are you going into, OP?

OP I know this is a stretch given your seemingly infinite reserve of narcissism, but have you considered telling him the truth? That you sense you have been obnoxious and want to apologize for your peculiar behavior and hope to be friends?

OP:

This thread is Datalounge Gold.

[quote]Plus it will show my girlfriend that I’m supportive or her and happy for her.

You're cheating on your girlfriend with random dick for grindr? Or are you just in your 70s and talking about a female friend?

R152 she’s just a friend, but a girl so I wanted to differentiate. They are dating now

OP have you considered that if not-at-all-interested guy does get together with your BFF gal pal, that they’ll have one of those weekends spent in bed fucking and telling each other everything, and that will include him telling her about you, the book, and everything?

I’d move to another city.

I can relate to this kind of situation from when I was a young, insecure gayling. I’m in my 40’s now and so glad I don’t give a shit about things like ‘crushes’ anymore. There are so many fish in the sea; no excuse for getting ridiculously hung up on any one guy, especially if I had no evidence he was gay and interested to begin with.

You need to go out and get laid, OP!

So you were asking us if we think it's ok for you to hit on someone who is dating your best friend?

Find some gay men to date.

[quote] You need to go out and get laid, OP!

But OP was already a wanton whore. He thought maybe his new acquaintance might turn into something more.

Haven’t you ever seen any gay romcom ever made?

[quote] they’ll have one of those weekends spent in bed fucking and telling each other everything, and that will include him telling her about you, the book, and everything?

I've dated my fair share of straight assholes, and it's not really the kind of thing that straight assholes talk about. A woman would definitely tell a man about it, but not the other way around.

R158 I do agree with this (or at least HOPE so) I don’t see him post climax being like…”guess what happened at the book fair”

At least I hope so.

He wants to impress your friend. That’s why he was being nice in the first place. If he’s really trying to make it work with her, he won’t bring the book thing up — or at least he won’t make a big deal about it.

Or she may already know and that’s why she felt she better forewarn you that they were going to start dating. Either way I wouldn’t worry about it. They’re not thinking about you, they’re thinking about themselves & each other

yeah OP, don't waste time thinking about them. FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

R160 that’s the crux of the whole situation and what has been most painful. “They are thinking of each other and not of you.”

It’s so true. I have spent all week thinking about him…I doubt I have even crossed his mind at all. Or if I have, nothing good.

It’s clarifying to put it in those terms

Oh honey you’ve crossed his mind

Unfavorably!

R138 Get help

OP has Main Character Syndrome.

OP, if you are an “Elaborate Scenario Troll”, you’ve done a good job.

7.5/10

R138 Shut up.

OP when you said he didn't like that you considered the book a secret, how do you mean?

Dude, chalk this up to a learning experience and act accordingly in the future. Life goes on.

Also? I would AVOID this guy--if possible. Give yourself some time to...recover. Otherwise, you might become Mr. Passive Aggressive.

Your friends are all laughing at you behind your back, OP.

All righty the evening is over.

There was just four of us, him, me, her and another female friend.

I acted like my normal self. I was friendly to him but not overly so. I avoided any time alone. I avoided time alone with her as well. It’s apparent they are dating now.

We had dinner and then played a game back at the house. It was fine. He and she were a couple and I and the other girl were a couple for the game.

I kept my emotions intact…EXCEPT. My friend wanted me to take a picture of everyone with her phone. A private conversation between she and the other girl was on the phone. You could say it was intentional or not…I don’t know. But the conversation was about the suspected crush and how embarrassing I was listing after a straight guy.

It was a gut punch, not going to lie.

I wanted to run away but I didn’t want to confront in the moment and ruin the evening. Plus, I technically wasn’t supposed to see the conversation. It was private between them. But now I know how they feel.

I pretended to feel super tired (from work) and went home after the game.

We have plans for a group dinner later next week.

I think I’m going to come up with an excuse.

There’s no excuse to come up with. They are not your friends.

Move on, and with GAY MEN as friends.

Oh. Clearly this is an EST now. A plot twist worthy of the CW.

R171 I wish this was an EST that I made up.

Unfortunately it is my life and it happened.

No it did not. You almost had me too. You overreached.

I don’t have time to read it, but I’m pretty sure Op’s twist is here

Imagine on the CW, we would see the “friend” have a bitchy snarky look on her face as she readied the text conversation open on her phone, and a grin, followed by an innocent friendly smile as she handed the clueless fag the phone.

As she turned back around, she would give the other bitch a conspiratorial soundless laugh before turning back around to pose for the picture.

E

S

T

Oh Midjourney, you bitch.

**Mean teenage girl hands another teenage girl her phone on which she has “accidentally” left an open message on. The girl handing the phone over has an evil look in here eye, while the girl receiving the phone is completely oblivious.--v 5** - Image #4

I’ll grant the benefit of the doubt that this story is real but if so, again, you have nothing to be so upset about. You misread a situation and people are trying to be nice to you by not saying it to your face. Move on. Be normal. Get some gay friends and stop hanging out exclusively with straight people.

R177

OP here…that is how I was able to sleep last night and not be to upset. I wasn’t supposed to read the text messages, so if that is how they feel about me…at least it’s private and it in a way to hurt me. I agree with everyone that I need new friends but it’s hard after all these years. There aren’t bars where I live or places to meet people and as I shared above, I live in a rural red state.

I wish it hadn’t happened…but it did. I can either move on and forgive my friends, or I can disengage from them all and just be alone. That’s really how it feels at this point:

Forgive them for what?

You're pathetic.

Ok, I’m getting suspicious this is all bullshit now. You were given her phone to take a picture and you just SO HAPPENED to see a private conversation discussing you. You would need to go into her texts to see that. Someone hands you their phone to take a picture, you do not have time to go lurking. Plus, I know with iPhones, you don’t even need to unlock the phone to access the camera.

I’m calling bullshit on the whole thing. You had me going. I gave good advice. You got me.

[quote]wish it hadn’t happened…but it did. I can either move on and forgive my friends, or I can disengage from them all and just be alone. That’s really how it feels at this point:

You get crushes on straight guys and the only time you interact with gay men is when you hook up with them on grindr.

You don't even consider the possibility of having gay men as friends.

Pathetic.

Now I realize this is an EST. That's too bad. If you're going to add another chapter, make it where you confront the 2 girls about texting each other about you. Oh wait, no, make it one where the straight guy texts you to hang out, and then ends up pouring pig blood on you.

The first thing that felt off to me was that OP's in his "mid thirties," but I still believed it. This story would've required a remarkable lack of common sense and self awareness for someone at that age. I would've known I was acting crazy at 20.

This thread has gone on far too long. OP made the whole thing up, feeding readers little tidbits with his whining and obsessing for a fictitious guy and then for more sympathy, adds some stupid introspective shit. He’s so depressed and sad dontcha know! Now he drags in mean girls. Somehow accessing a text that mocks him just seconds before he takes a pic.

Tune in: Will he or won’t he cry himself to sleep? Will he or won’t he decide to confront those bitchy girls? Will he or won’t he die in a grease fire? The latter seems the best course of action.

OP —just fuck off.

OP here, I will try and answer everything and you can choose to believe or not.

All of this really happened, I have been reading Datalounge for 15 years. I knew I would be made fun of or asked to die in a grease fire or be compared to a DL fave or whatever, but I still wrote because I wanted genuine advice from other gay guys.

I live in a rural, red state. One poster asked why I don’t befriend my gay hookups the answer is most of the guys I hook up with on Grindr aren’t out as gay. Surely everyone can relate to that. The gay guys on Grindr don’t message me because the majority of them are bottoms and I’m only looking to give oral.

The message didn’t accidentally open up on her phone but I accidentally read it. I took the picture with her phone and was going yo text to all of us, that is when I found there was another thread texting chain just between the two of them. OF COURSE I clicked on it and read it. Are you seriously saying you wouldn’t have?

Yes, I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m sorry I’m not as fabulous as you are with your fabulous life. I’m sorry I’m not as mature as you are and as world and sophisticated as you are.

The truth is I developed a crush on a straight guy that clearly had feelings for my friend who is a girl and the whole thing was a huge embarrassment and I feel shitty.

I shouldn’t have started a thread. There’s no way out of being called an EST. I wish it wasn’t real. I wish I could have everything the way it was.

How lucky you all are that something like this has never happened to any of you.

Liar.

EST.

No other posts except for this thread.

Liar.

I don’t want to get into a fight with u R186 but I post all the time in the theatre threads and AJLT threads and Kim Cattrall threads. Again don’t want to fight but to say I don’t post on other threads…is a lie

OP make up a good reply for this - when your friends were looking straight at you in order for you to take their photo, did they not see you looking at texts? You messed up with that little side story. The more you lie, the more this becomes unbelievable.

35 year old being besties with 22 year olds.

Liar.

EST.

No one is 22. We are all in our 30s.

I also answered the question above about the photo, my friends wanted to me to group text the photo I just took and that is when I saw the thread it was not during the photo taking itself.

Thank you all for your concerns

No one is "concerned" about you since it was all a lie.

OP - I believe you. I’m sorry this happened. Those women are cunts. Crushes have happened to all of us - it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t beat yourself up.

This thread seems to have run its course. If you want continued input without people calling you a troll, I would go to Reddit. The “gay bros” on there tend to be more gentle than us DL bitches (but never as funny).

Take care ❤️

Oh he said he was in his thirties? I assumed he was college age. If I’d read he was in his thirties earlier, I’d have known for sure he was EST.

OP People in their thirties don’t act like this at all. Be a better writer.

OP should just move to a Blue State and be done with these issues. Seriously.

Reading this thread has convinced me this is the latest EST by the guy who writes about the friendly gay couple who live in his building. They invite him over for pizza, and movies, and to hang out, and one’s a lawyer, and the other is left at home for hours and flirts with OP.

Similar writing style and a situation that never resolves itself because something else comes up that triggers OP. No matter what advice OP gets, there’s always an agreement or clarification or trigger that needs to be discussed, thus keeping a dead thread alive.

Get professional help OP. Either in writing better stories or for your addiction to attention on DL.

Found one version of the story I’m talking about. The similarities are extreme.

Jealousy, loneliness, and being a third wheel.

I believe you, OP. It's not absurd enough to be an EST.

[quote] Are you seriously saying you wouldn’t have?

No, I would not have read the text chain. Then again, I wouldn't have gone last night. You need to put some distance between yourself and this friend group.

[quote]I live in a rural, red state. One poster asked why I don’t befriend my gay hookups the answer is most of the guys I hook up with on Grindr aren’t out as gay. Surely everyone can relate to that. The gay guys on Grindr don’t message me because the majority of them are bottoms and I’m only looking to give oral.

Hopeless.

R192 thank you!! R197 I agree about distance with the friend group. I don’t want to ghost completely because there was good stuff there…but not enough.

R195 I’m not him, but thanks though :)

R196 it ABSOLUTELY is him

OP, I'd rather be alone than have "friends" like this.

Also, I'd get that nasty fish on her own and tell her in no uncertain terms that you pounded the absolute fuck out of her new boyfriend's tight little mussy when you went for dinner and a movie. You know it didn't happen, but she doesn't. Tell her he feels conflicted and that he'll surely deny it because he's having trouble coming out. Have some fun with this, and disrupt their perfect little lives. And then, punch and delete.

Good catch on this troll, r195 , r196 !

FREE FUCKS! FREE FUCKS!

Yep. I’m right. OP is the ‘falling in love with straight/taken/someone else’s boyfriend’ EST troll. All bullshit. Just creates elaborate scenarios and keeps them going by responding trying to sound naive.

This is not a real situation. He just keeps these threads going by typing even more and more stupid comments.

R196 and R204 here. Forgot to say if you block OP then you can see that he started the thread linked above about falling in love with his girlfriends boyfriend.

OP on the next one you do, can you insert a transwoman of color into the scenario?

[quote]that is solid advice. I appreciate you. You are probably right.

From another thread. Guarantee that OP is non-white and drooling over a white guy. That archetype that only likes straight white guys. May as well have his "surgery" now.

Never mind ChatGPT did it for me

Dear Abby,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to seek your advice and guidance regarding a complicated situation I find myself in. I am a 30-year-old gay man who has recently realized that I have developed strong feelings for someone who happens to be the new boyfriend of my best friend, who is a transgender woman of color.

To provide some context, my best friend and I have shared a deep bond for many years. We have supported each other through various challenges and celebrated our triumphs together. Our friendship is incredibly important to me, and I value the trust and understanding we have built over time.

However, a few months ago, my friend introduced her new boyfriend, who happens to be a white man. From the moment I met him, I felt an instant connection. We share common interests, have engaging conversations, and I am drawn to his charismatic personality. As we spent more time together as a group, I found myself falling in love with him.

I am torn, Abby, because I deeply care about both my friend and her new partner. I never intended for this situation to arise, and I am aware of the complexity and potential for hurt feelings. It's essential for me to honor the trust my friend has placed in me and respect her happiness. On the other hand, I cannot deny my own feelings, which have become stronger as time goes on.

I am seeking your advice on how to navigate this situation with empathy, compassion, and respect for everyone involved. How can I handle my feelings in a way that preserves the bond I have with my friend and minimizes potential harm to our relationships? Should I distance myself from the situation entirely, or is there a way to manage these emotions without jeopardizing the friendships involved?

I understand that love and attraction can be complicated, and situations like these require delicacy and sensitivity. It is crucial for me to act in a way that demonstrates my care and consideration for everyone's well-being.

Thank you, Abby, for taking the time to read my letter and offer your guidance. I appreciate your wisdom and insight as I navigate this challenging situation.

R203 r206 r208

R209

Ah ha ha ha!!!!! Ignore DOES reveal the OP to have started both of these EST threads!!!!!!

Idiots like r192 and r197 with their insipid “concern”….

R210

OP got BUSTED!!!

And stupid DL-ers fell for it.

OP has gone quiet. He’s either crying or laughing at us gullible fools.

Op here, been a long weekend. Sorry for the quiet. Not laughing at anyone. My stories are true, however u feel about them, and myself. I feel like the threads ran their course, advice was given, and plenty of pointless DL bitchery as well.

I suppose my life has a bit of the dramatic. On one end, it makes it interesting. On the other…it makes it rather sad.

Thank you for all who wished well. Thank you for all who responded. Even the mean comments were helpful. I’m going to go back to my sad little life. If something happens, I’ll be sure to write an update.

Till we meet again

We’ll meet again at your next EST about falling for a straight/married guy.

R2 speaks the truth

Good luck OP

What is EST stand for? Why do I feel like my parents?

Elaborate scenario trolling

OF COURSE, it does. Fucking DL...

r219

R221