Shannon "Storms" Beador and her sexy new man!

Link to previous thread:

He looks retarded.

WOW, r2. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME? He went to USC!

I'm DONE with you!

Meh.

Wow, okay r4 David. Admit you're threatened by my SEXY new man!!

Has your thirty-something-year-old cleaned out your bank account yet?

Some Heather Dubrow tea

David is much hotter. He had BDE. This guy obviously has to make do with 4 inches or less.

Wow, r7. Okay. Are you KIDDING me? See how far BDE gets you when you're hiding in a closet!!

Makes sense r6. Heather was pissed at the dinner they had during her last season at the Japanese restaurant, where Kelly called Shannon a cunt. There’s footage of her having to be coaxed back into filming by producers that night , she was so upset.

Heather is one of those Housewives who seem so annoying during their last season as a housewife, but their presence is sorely missed when they leave.

Heather was the perfect foil for Kelly, which is why I wish they'd bring her back r9.

... assuming Kelly isn't fired first.

He does look, ah, special in the pic at OP ...

Shannon, your new man looks like the missing link. A total OC goon.

I believe the rumor that Heather left the show because Kelly spilled the beans that Terry was having an affair with one of his employees. I hated Heather. Snobby show off bitch. But she did make good TV.

Wow, r12. WOW. Are you serious? He is the MISSING LINK of my HEART!!

He will never emotionally fulfill you Fat Shannon, ever.

WOW, r14. Are you serious? WATCH THIS VIDEO YOU FUCKING BITCH!

You must admit she looks good now, since she lost that weight and the facelift

The two shot an Instagram Live video a month or two ago. They were with friends in a park (social distancing, of course, because Shannon has LUNG DAMAGE!!!)

Anyway, Shannon had been drinking and was very ON and it's clear that John is already embarrassed by her

Wasabi flavored Al Gore?

Wow, r18. Are you KIDDING ME? As if I would ever date someone who resembled a Democrat!!

I think the sad irony of Shannon is that she lacks self-insight on a massive scale. I don't think she realizes her desperation leads to a willingness to defer to a man and let herself be controlled by him. But the type of men who seek out deferential and self-loathing women are generally creeps, and the cycle keeps repeating.

Gay Gayerson

r21 = a and his penchant for hot daddies

R16: How do you lose a facelift?

The only surgery that would help Shannon at this point is vaginal rejuvenation. After David's big, meaty cock did a number on her, the new BF's rather modest endowment is unable to find purchase.

WOW, r24. Okay. Are you kidding me? His big meaty cock spent FAR more time in THE AFFAIR than in me.

It really would be hilarious if the real Shannon knew about this thread.

I can almost hear her slew of exacerbated "WOWs" and "Are you kidding mes?" and "Are you SERIOUSes?" while John tries unsuccessfully to calm her down.

Funny that at r25, Shannon doesn't bother defending what's-his-face's lack of size.

Wow, r27. Okay. Wow. Are you serious? Size doesn't matter to me! And at least I don't have to hide in the closet when John Janssen gets mad ... a lot!

I'm DONE with you!

That man looks like the alien bad guy in a campy sci-fi, who would be decked out with an oversized glitter collar the size of a backstop.

Wow, r29. Okay. Are you SERIOUS? JOHN JANSSEN is the NICEST, HANDSOMEST, KINDEST, SMARTEST, and SEXIEST man I have EVER MET!!! What's that John? Oh, he is also the MOST SUCCESSFUL and FUNNIEST!!!

I'm sorry, John!! I will work harder to remember all your well-deserved superlatives!!!!!

r24 is by far my favorite post on this (and the other Shannon) thread.

Well done.

So right now I'm watching this cheap 80's thriller called 'Double Exposure' on Amazon Prime, and just as I clicked on this thread, guess who pops up on screen? OC's own Jeana Keough! She's extremely skinny, in a bathing suit, modeling for a photographer in a pool. The photographer ends up drowning her with the pool skimmer.

R32 here. I meant to post this pic.

Psychotic Incest Survivor?

OMG Sally Kirkland is also in this. She plays a doomed hooker!

He’s not attractive. David was incredibly hot but he has evil eyes

Wow, r32, r33, r34, r35. Are you KIDDING me? This thread is about ME and my WILDLY ATTRACTIVE boyfriend JOHN JANSSEN who is MUCH BETTER LOOKING and LESS VIOLENT THAN DAVID r36.

Let's see YOU slim down and look as good as Jeana does in R33's pic, Shannon.

Wow, r38. Okay, WOW. Are you serious? John Janssen loves my surgically-altered face and body!! It's my needy and obnoxious personality he's trying to change: he says I embarrass him in public and I don't want to hurt him!!! HE LOVES ME!!!!!

go ride a horse to the pharmacy, Shannon.

WOW, r40. Okay DAVID, don't you have some 30-year-old trailer trash whore causing a scene in Walmart to attend to?

Hey Shannon, can you see your toes when you're standing up yet?

"I'm just happy I'm no longer the fattest OC Housewife."

Did someone say fattest housewife?

By the way, Shannon, you act just like my MENTALLY ILL MOTHER. Put THAT in your QVC burger and smoke it!

"I completely forgot about her!"

WOW, r43. Okay. I LOST THE WEIGHT BITCH!

What a sad fat cow she is. She really needs a fag to help her with everything. I don’t think she’s ever had an orgasm , let alone one happy moment in her miserable, transfat filled life.

WOW, r47. Okay. Are you kidding me? JEFF LEWIS is my BFF!!!

John? John, please stop yelling. It's okay! Jeff is gay! I'm sorry! Don't get mad!

SMACK!

Wow, r49. Are you serious? I'm going to call Vicki from the closet!!!

I don’t know her

Shannon, if he beats you, then you did something to deserve it!

WOW, r52. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME?

Omg it must be exhausting to have shannon in your life.

WOW, r52. Okay ... WOW. Are you serious? He beat me sometimes when I didn't deserve it you fucking bitch!!! I'm DONE with you!

He has a GIGANTIC forehead.

He would give Van Der Beek a complex about having barely any forehead by comparison.

Tell me about it, R54.

Vicki looks deranged in r52

I look at Shannon's new guy and can only think of this:

Oh yeah right R55. I'm the only one in Orange County who'll still take your calls. I even sold you domestic abuse insurance.

Wow, r60. Okay. Are you serious? We weren't friends anymore after Girth Brooks LIED ABOUT CANCER you fucking bitch! Plus John told me that all my old friends are bad influences and I need to cut them out of my life!!!

SHANNON HE PUNCHED YOU IN YOUR PUSSY!

R61 Tell your new man that Terry can fix those droopy eyelids of his.

Yeah, Shannon, stop being such a bozo.

Maybe I don't want another man with eyes that look like he's a sociopathic iguana r63 / r64!!

How many of the housewives got fucked by their biological fathers growing up?

R65 With those eyes, he'll never get a role on Malibu Country, like I did.

WOW, r66. Okay. Are you kidding me? DAVID was the only daddy I ever fucked!!

R68 At least you're getting fucked.

Um, R67, Malibu Country asked me to do that role waaay before they asked you.

Oh, and that Shannon lady is a sad pathetic loser. It says so in the Bible somewhere.

DADDYFUCKER!

Not me R66. I didn't even know mine!

Wow, r72. Okay. David was a HOT DADDY (when he wasn't beating me!)

Jealous, bitches?

Nooobooooody is jealous of youuu, Shaaaannon Beeeeeeeedor!

WOW, r75. Okay. Are you kidding me? At least ALL my daughters talk to me!!

Shannon really does have issues.

I've got Jesus on my side now, R76, so I'm not even gonna get mad at you for that.

Did somebody say JEEZUS?

This thread is full of false profits.

Come, Shannon. Let me pray over you. We'll exorcise your inner demons together.

You're gonna need this holy water, hun.

WOW, r80 / r81. Okay. I am SICK of having my MENTAL STATE QUESTIONED!! John says everything will be fine as long as I do exactly what he tells me like the good Christian woman I am!!!

R70 Shut up, Jesus Jugs. You're not a trained actress like I am, and Jesus doesn't like it when you lie.

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Two Out of Two Doctors Think Shannon is Insane

R84 That's it. You are not welcome in my house. I'm a proper lady and it offends my upper class ears when such words enter into them. Please leave. Now.

WOW, r85. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME? The only mental health professionals I consult are endorsed by Focus on the Family, and John Janssen attends all my sessions with me!!

Hilarious “sociopathic iguana” that’s perfect @R65

Don't believe Shannon's bullshit. The closest she gets to therapy are when she brings me to my training classes.

R89 Wow. Okay. ARCHIE DOESN'T NEED TRAINING! I TRAINED HIM PERFECTLY MYSELF WHILE I WAS HIDING IN THE CLOSET!

The only party I want Fat Shannon to throw is her funeral. They’ll need a few extra pallbearers though.

Shannon put me on a strict diet of one bacon bit a week.

R91 Wow. Okay. I'M SO THIN NOW THAT LYDIA COULD CARRY MY CASKET ALL BY HERSELF! AND THAT'S BECAUSE I HAVE A MAN WHO LOVES ME MORE THAN LYDIA'S HUSBAND LOVES HER! Oh, and because I sell healthy TV dinners.

FEED YOUR FUCKIN' DOG, SHANNON!

R94 Wow. Okay. I'D FEED HIM IF YOU WEREN'T EATING ALL HIS FOOD FIRST, YOU BITCH!

Seriously, Shannon has a good companion in Archie. (I'm a big fan of goldens.) She would have been fine if she'd stayed single for a year or two, and it would have been good for her daughters too -- to show them their mom can be independent and survive. Instead she jumped straight into a serious relationship with a probable creep.

After being married to David, you'd think she'd have learned.

R96 Wow. Okay. You're just jealous because I found the kindest, most loving, only mildly controlling and prone to fewer rage tantrums than David boyfriend. I don't need a man. I'm perfectly happy selling my TV dinners on QVC while drug testing my homely daughters and sitting by the pool with Archie while I treat my serious lung infection with herbs and crystals, but my man just fell into my arms, and I'm a good person, so I wasn't going to shut him out. Now I'm done. I'm done.

When can I eat your dog's food, R95? Your new boyfriend doesn't even allow me in your house!

This is one of the best threads on DL in a long time

"I can't believe she said I eat dog food."

R98 I've seen her digging a hole under your fence with her pig nose, Shannon.

Vicious Kelly used the Pig Emoji for porcine Vicki, what would she use for Shannon? An elephant? A cow? A rhino? A moose?

Kelly, you promised you'd stap calling me a pig!

You ARE a fucking pig r103!

"Jeana, the fat one said I eat dog food and the Mexican called me a pig!"

Dat Shah-non woman eez a mess!

r104 is frightening

Shannon naked is more frightening, R107.

R108 Wow. Okay. I was only frightening looking because you abused me to the point where all I did was eat my feelings in between beatings!

I never beat you, you fat fucking liar bitch r109!

I don't think David ever beat Shannon. Men just don't do those kinds of things to women, ya know?

I HAVE THE RECEIPTS YOU FUCKING BITCH r111!!!

AND SHE CALLED ME FROM THE CLOSET!!!!!

Vicki, you better STOP telling people I called you from inside a closet. I was inside the PANTRY!

Vat is pantry?

But also MY HUSBAND NEVER BEAT ME!!!!!

Peggy, a pantry is where you store all the handbags you weren't able to sell.

and cuffs, R116.

R115

See Vicki, I was right. He never laid a finger on her.

Jeana, you always make excuses and defend bad men! That's something I'd NEVER DO!

I'm offended that no one's made this about ME yet.

That's because nobody cares about you, R121.

Oh, and by the way... I'm a doctor, and I diagnose Shannon as NUTS.

WOW, r120. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME? We had a VERBAL ARGUMENT. He NEVER TOUCHED ME!!!

I do not know what is wrong with me, but I find John Janssen to be so handsome and David to be so NOT. And I am a sucker for blue eyes, but David has rapey eyes and I hate everything about him.. Looks and all..

You all really think John Janssen looks like a backwoods banjo playing mongloid????

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He is decent looking r125 but I find his personality off-putting, at least in the video he did with Shannon. It's hard to put my finger on ... he has a cockiness that's way more obnoxious than sexy

I think David's incredibly sexy, but he seams like a sexual sadist

Shannon busted a few seams in her day too R128

The Vicki posts are hilarious. Keep me coming

I'll keep you coming, R130. Just don't tell Steve.

Hey, where'd Shannon go!?

WOW, r132. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME?

If John's happy, I'm mixing him a drink (to keep him that way). If John's frisky, I'm in the bedroom with my eyes closed praying that it ends as quickly as possible. And if John's mad, I'm back in the freakin' closet!!

Thank God you're ok Shannon. I was afraid Jan Janjansan murdered you.

Wow, r134. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME? John JANSSEN loves me!!! He told me in a lovely birthday note that I am the most beautiful, smartest, kindest, most intelligent, funniest, most honest, warmest, most caring, most fun, most deferential, AND most gullible woman he's ever met!!!

He's the love of my life and would never murder me!!!

Hey Shannan, when Steve Ladge and I get married, we're gonna fill this stadium with all our friends and loved ones. Will you be one of my bridesmaids? Steve's already given me permission to ask you.

Why are none of you concerned that I may get murdered by my husband!? It's just like Shannon to suck all the attention to her.

Emily, I would never murder you. I'd just mentally torture you until you murder yourself.

Kind of like Shannon tried to do with David.

Wow, r137. Okay. At least I attended an ACCREDITED LAW SCHOOL

Wow, r138. Okay. Are you serious? At least David was a hot daddy and not an extra from Deliverance!!

r136 totally not controlling John said I can't talk to you anymore.

So, no.

But R138, you told me yourself that you tried to gaslight David into killing himself. Don't you remember? You did. You did.

Shannon, my shoes need shining. Get off the fucking computer NOW!

Tamra, Shannon doesn't wanna be my bridesmaid anymore.

Wow, r143. Okay. I'm sorry! Please promise me you aren't mad, and if you are mad, you won't yell, and if you do yell, you won't scare me, and if you do scare me, you won't hit me, and if you do hit me, it's with an open hand!!

SMACK

WOW, r146. Okay. Are you serious? I'm DONE with you, John Janssen!!

But, I don't want her to be happy.

r148 = David Beador

Hey R147, Jeana Keough told me that she heard that you and Jan Janjansen are broken up. Now will you be in mine and Steve Ladge's wedding?

I'm upset you haven't asked me to be in your wedding, Vicki.

R150 Don't bring me into this. I'm busy watching my ZZ Top video. I like to remember how I used to look before I started to look like Shannon.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, BROWN WIND!

Everyone in Coto is laying odds on how close they get to the wedding before Vicki's "fiancee" bails. Tee-hee!

LAURIE! What did I ever do to you!?

R154 Wow. Okay. This thread is about ME, AND I'M GETTING MARRIED BEFORE VICKI, BITCH!

r147 John! I'm sorry I got mad at you!!! You're right, I'm crazy and the cause of all our fights. Please forgive me!!!!

Is ok R151. Vicki no ask me to be in wedding either.

That's RIGHT R156, everything is always about YOU! It's the fucking SHANNON SHOW!

So R157 is the wedding back on, fatso?

John, Jeana Keough called me a fatso today. Do you think I'm fat???

R161 Yes

That hurt worse than a slap, John. Worse than a slap.

Oh wait that was David? Sorry I got my abusive partners mixed up for a sec.

Does Kelly do Meth? Did her Dad fuck her?

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Hmm. 37 missed calls from Shannon. I hope Jan Janjansan isn't beating her up.

Wow, r167. Okay. Are you serious? I NEVER called you, you lying con woman!!! John gets mad when I divert any attention away from him when we're together.

WOW, r160. Okay. Are you serious? It's the man's job to propose marriage and the woman's job to say yes!! So you need to be asking JOHN JANSSEN this question.

Also, THIS ISN'T MY FAT YOU FUCKING BITCH!!

Although much of this show is manufactured and Terry is a huge drama queen, I think his dislike of David during his first season was genuine. He knew David was a physically abusive womanizer and he wasn't having it.

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WOW, r171. Okay. Wow. Are you SERIOUS? I supported Girth Brooks when all your other friends were trash talking him! I stood up for you, you lying bitch!!!

Clearly I was wrong about Girth "Meaty Cock" Brooks. Which is funny. My accurate judgement of men's characters typically doesn't fail!!!

R168 Your ass is so big it probably butt-dialed Vicki 37 times.

WOW, r173. Okay. Wow. Are you serious? John Janssen said knock it off because he is the only one allowed to fat shame me!! (Which he would never do!!!)

I've got you beat, Vick. Shannon called me 55 times last night. What a loser!

WOW, r175. Okay. Are you kidding me? Wow. John Janssen removed your number from my phone months ago!!!! He's the only one who gaslights me now (only he doesn't!!)

And at least the only closet involved in our relationship is the one I hide in when he gets mad!!!

We're both upset that Shannon didn't call us. She never calls us...

He's got fat lids. No thanks.

Wow, r177. Okay. Refresh my memory. How do I know you? Church? The supermarket? Are in my mother's bridge club?

She definitely called me last night. I was up late going over a new case I'd taken on, so I answered. All I heard was Shannon crying. More like blubbering. And then loud chewing, like she was eating a whole bag of chips. I asked her what was wrong, and how she got my new number. All she could say was "I'm out of guac!" Then I heard footsteps coming closer, a door being pulled open, and then the call dropped.

WOW, r180. Okay. Wow. Are you serious, Miss 30-Year-Old? I called you to invite you to Bunco, I wasn't crying, I wasn't eating chips, I didn't need more guac for my chips, and JOHN JANSSEN DOES NOT ABUSE ME!!!

Shannon, get the fuck over here and suck my cock, you fat slob!

Was Shannon abused as a child? She displays all the classic signs.

She was most definitely abused, R183. She shows all the signs of being a traumatized nut-job.

Wow, r184. Okay. Wow. Are you serious? My childhood was COMPLETELY NORMAL AND NON-TRAUMATIC you fucking whackjob!

It's so exhausting being your best friend, Shannon. One minute you're calling me to cry, the next you're saying my husband is gay!

R184 I was waiting for an appearance by the jowly Dr. Deb!

Who're you callin' "jowly" R187? I'm a doctor, and I diagnose you as Boring Republican.

R188 Stop it, mom. You're embarrassing me and you ruined my childhood. I'm going to cry about it now.

WOW, r186. Okay. Wow. Are you serious? It was Vicki who said Eddie was gay you fucking bitch! NOT ME!!!

I have traumatic brain injury from Kelly hitting me over the head with a mallet (NOT from David beating me because he DID NOT!!!) and even I could remember that much!!!

Wow, r182. Okay. Are you kidding me? Why can't you treat me with even the most cursory gestures of respect? I let you make all the decisions in our relationship, defer to you, change myself to make you happy, and feed your ego constantly. I don't understand why you wouldn't respect a woman like me!!!

WOW. Okay. Apparently DL forgot that JOHN JANSSEN and I just celebrated our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY. You know our relationship is solid because this post received 35,000 likes!!!

Jealous, bitches?

I'm taking a break from my fast-paced career at Coto Insurance to wish you and Jan Janjansin a Happy Anniversary. There, I said it. Now how many of those 35,000 likes are paid likes, Shannan? I'd bet at least 2,000. All the Housewives, except ME, pay for some likes every now and then, so don't bather lying to me.

Happy Anniversary Shannon! Remember me?

WOW, r193. Okay. Are you KIDDING me? Just admit you are jealous of JOHN JANSSEN and his MEATY COCK and his sexy EPICANTHIC FOLDS!

Excuse me, R193, I've never paid for a single like in my entire life. Some of us are just naturally popular and well-liked.

WHY would I be JEALOUS of JAN, R195!? I have STEVE, the best, most loving man in the WORLD! And his penis is HUGE! It fills up my love tank, and THEN SOME!

WOW, r197. Okay. No more scared-in-the-closet phone calls for YOU!

I'M DONE WITH YOU!

Vat is dis love tenk?

"I can't believe Shannon won't call me from her closets any more."

You're ALL white trash, quite frankly.

Wow, r200. Okay. Are you kidding me? I'm never calling you again! YOU PUT FALSE CRIMINAL ACCUSATIONS ABOUT MY HUSBAND INTO THE UNIVERSE!! INTO ... THE ... UNIVERSE!

Hi r194 Kentucky Fried Titties!

Here I am helping John Janssen (NOT a fame whore!) take care of his prostate!

Aren't we cute!

R204 How much did you get paid for that embarrassing post, you fat whore?

Is he a televangelist? Creepy looking dude.

Wow, r206. Okay. WOW. He is a Christian with STRONG FAMILY VALUES!!! (And a healthy prostate!)

Wow, r205. Are you KIDDING me?! How fucking dare you question my altruistic commitment to the health of John Janssen's prostate!!!

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DONNNNGGGG

I wonder if John Janssen is a DL regular.

What self esteem, r210?

I took every last bit of it!

Hey Shannon, how many times have you been to the ER this month? Seven? Eight times? Nah, probably 25.

Wow, r213. Okay. Are you kidding me? At least when David hit me he apologized for it later!!!!!! And took me to the ER himself, like a true gentleman.

Shannon, STOP arguing with that Mexican and come lick my taint!

R215 I'll do it!

Ryan, your step-daddy is so haaard to live with! One minute he's into my rockin' 60-year-old lady-bod, the next he's licking Shannon's boyfriend's taint! I bet it's just a phase.

EDDIE! Get AWAY from that man's TAINT!

My Ryan has the best dong!

R218 What are you talking about, babe? I'm at Cut Fitness all day long, keeping our business afloat, even though we're not allowed to open yet (wink).

R219 I need to visit Ryan and deliver to him the word of the Lord. With my mouth.

Doug, you promised no more cock sucking! Jesus hates cock sucking! It's almost as worse as pot smoking!

R222 That's it. The word "cock" just assaulted my ears. You must leave my house and never return. You have no class.

COCK! COCK! COCK! COCK! COCK!

R224 All this talk about cock and I haven't seen one in years.

Vut is dis word "cock"? Is like chicken?

I always begged Matt to let me suck his CAWK but he'd NEVA let me! I didn't evah UNDA-STAND whyyyy?

Ladies, I awoketh this morning and saw that I had 32 missed calls from Shannan from between 12:30pm and 4am last night. I was far too busy having hot, sweaty sex all night with my husband-to-be Steve Ladge to answer my telaphone. Do any of you knoweth what that fat nutjab wanted?

WOW, r228. Okay. Wow. Are you serious? I was occupied last night servicing all 3.5 inches of JOHN JANSSEN and had no time to call you!

DL Shannon is truly indefatigable.

David's taste in jewelry, like his taste in women, is very déclassé .

Wow, r226. Okay. Are you serious? Why are you on my thread? I barely remember you. Were you part of the show's crew? Were you my live-in housekeeper? Does your father own the gas station I sometimes frequent?

I was hit on the head (thanks r224!) and suffered traumatic brain injury and can't remember.

Shannon, how come you no show fo you appointment for chakra-cleanse today?

Finally, word I know R230! Indefatigable. It mean tireless, like the Armenian people!

Wow, r233. Okay. Are you serious? I told you John Janssen already suspects we're too close and he insists on accompanying me to all my appointments!!

YOU no remember ME, R226? I only remember you as sad fat lady who yell too much and always had food in mouth. Khent’ tikin!

WOW, r236. Okay. Are you kidding me? That was the lowest point in my life! I gained FORTY POUNDS because a very untruthful Vicki Gunvalson put out a VICIOUS LIE into the universe that my husband beat me!!!!!!!

HE DID NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon, you owe me $50,000 for pre-chakra cleanse colon and gut cleanse. You pay me now!

Shannan, we talked about this. You have gat to stap blaming me for you eating too much.

What the fuck, r238?

Wow, r239. Are you kidding me? I called you terrified from a closet and sent you pictures of huge bruises the next day! I NEVER SAID MY HUSBAND BEAT ME!!!!!!!

We know, r237. You came to a party at my house, thrust your gunt towards me and screamed , “THIS IS STRESS! THIS IS VICKI GUNVALSON!”

Put down the twinkies Fatso and maybe you’ll find a man with eyebrows who will resist the urge to slap you.

Wow, r242. Are you serious? Wow. I would NEVER eat Twinkies because they're not Certified Organic, GMO Free, Gluten Free, MSG Free, and Vegan!!! (Unlike my AMAZING QVC burgers.)

And John Janssen doesn't slap me ... much!!!!!

Yaaas, more Twinkies for me!

Then how did you get all those BRUISES, R241? HOW!?

Wow, r244. Okay. I DON'T LIKE YOU and I am NOTHING LIKE YOUR MIDWESTERN MENTALLY ILL MOTHER!!!!!!!

Get off my thread. I'M DONE WITH YOU!

r245 WOW. Okay. Are you kidding me? I TOLD YOU I RAN INTO A DOOR AND FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!!!!

I'M DONE WITH YOU!

I saw John Janssen getting head from Eddie a week ago.

Please, r248. Even I have size standards and John Janssen's modest endowment does not meet them.

I can't believe Shannan said she's done with me. What'd I ever do to deserve this?

SHANNON! Keep your boyfriend away from MY HUSBAND!

R244 Can I have some, too? I'm bored with trying new hairstyles to cover my post-DUI stress.

Wow, r251. Okay. NO WORRIES, dear. John Janssen has very strong family values! He thinks a's lifestyle is an affront to the Lord!

Vicki, why are you on the floor crying? Did Steve postpone the wedding again?

We made People Magazine!!

Jealous, bitches?

Shannon, when are you and John getting married? Has he brought you a car yet?

No, he bought me one!

Wow, r256. Okay. Are you kidding me? I am a SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSWOMAN and an INDEPENDENT WOMAN and I don't rely on a man for ANYTHING.

Isn't that right, sweetie? John? John? Don't you agree with me? What? No! I'm not talking to Tamra or Vicki again, I promise! They are bad influences, like you said. Stop yelling!!

SMACK!

Wow, r259. Okay. Are you kidding me? Why can't you treat me with respect!!

Oh look girls, Shannon's wearing a giant pair of sunglasses. John must be hitting her again.

Wow, r261, Okay. Are you serious? I would never stay with a man who beat me!!! The second John switches to a closed first, I'M DONE WITH HIM!

Shannon's sunglasses:

Holy shit! I have 33 missed calls from Shannon!

Wow, r264. Okay. Are you kidding me? John Janssen is still VERY UPSET that you gave me traumatic brain injury! He says it's why he gets so mad at me!!!

Hi Mrs. Beador. I made sure I included those two extra-large tubs of guacamole you asked for.

R264 I heard John Janssen did a choo-choo train with Eddie and David and Lydia's Christian husband.

Wow, r266. Are you serious? I am not going to mess up this perfectly liposuctioned body!!!

Wow, r267. Okay. WOW.

Are you serious?

R267, I heard John Janssen shit all over the bed.

It's true, R267 and R270 are right. We all fucked the shit out of John, literally. I had to get new sheets and bedspread. Don't tell Tamra though!

So THAT'S why my sheets were MISSING!?

WOW. OKAY. Wow. Are you KIDDING ME?!!!

JOHN JANSSEN IS NOT GAY!!!!!!!!

WOOHOO! Shannon's in a shitty relationship!

Is Kelly HIV positive?

I wish some tea would spill about John Janssen's lavender marriage. Apparently he was granted full custody of their three kids and there was also an order prohibiting corporal punishment. And the divorced dragged on five years.

There is definitely a story in there somewhere.

Wow, r274. Okay. Are you serious right now? Just because John occasionally has anal leakage does NOT mean our relationship is shitty!!

This sad angry fat menopausal disaster has moved on from a messy , violent marriage to a sociopath with creepy eyes; to a fake relationship with a closeted homosexual who doesn’t have eyebrows.

It’s sad that someone this old would need to resort to a fake George Glass type boyfriend.

I pray for this lost sad creature and her tramp daughters.

Shannan, everyone's talking about Jan Janjansan's sexuality. You know I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Wow, r278. Okay. Are you kidding me? JOHN JANSSEN LOVES ME! He wrote this very sincere note to me on my birthday, which I posted on social media but NOT FOR EXTERNAL APPROVAL:

Our connection and chemistry are what people dream about. You are my person; the one I was meant to be with, the one that makes me feel whole. I started falling in love with you almost immediately and my love has grown ever stronger as our time together has flown by. I find myself thinking and wondering at times if this is real, how did I get so blessed? Then I look into your beautiful eyes and know it IS real and it is how our world should be. You are such an amazing woman and you surprise me every day. I have never believed that a woman could be so loving, generous, intelligent, creative, determined, funny, fun loving, hardworking, successful, down to earth, nurturing, protective, loyal, encouraging, and have my back no matter what. Then I met you; you are all of that and more. The timing was bad and made no sense to either of us or to any of our friends and family. I was not in the right frame of mind to meet anyone and was just trying to get my balance. You were not looking for a relationship, but rather were just spending time and having fun with friends after an emotional two years of ending your marriage. But once we were introduced something inside me knew that I had to talk to you. We started with encouraging texts that warmed my heart and then phone calls for hours that flowed so effortlessly and then came the group date. I took you and a friend of ours out to dinner. The night ended with you and I singing karaoke duets at the Elks club and then talking one on one until the Elks staff told us they needed to lock up. Since that night you and I have been inseparable, literally. I have never in my life spent so much concentrated time with anyone. I never tire of you, but rather thrive in your company.

You expect us to read all that, R280?

YOU WROTE THAT FAT SHANNON

Read this, bitch r281!

[quote]I have never believed that a woman could be so loving, generous, intelligent, creative, determined, funny, fun loving, hardworking, successful, down to earth, nurturing, protective, loyal, encouraging, and have my back no matter what.

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John Jannsen struggles with parallel structure I see.

r280 is a lesson in love bombing. I would be embarrassed to share that with the world.

Shannon truly has no boundaries and no sense of healthy relationships.

Unlike me!

I'm so glad I don't have that problem, R286!

Yeah, Shannon's an idiot when it comes to men!

Wow, r288. Okay. John Janssen doesn't want me associating with you. But he may be interested in taking a boy's trip with Shane, he says.

Holy shit these women are crazy.

Yo yo yo hold up, R290. I got dibs on Shane!

R293 You homos better leave my Shane out of this. He isn't like you people. He just hasn't found the right girl yet!

OOOh forget Shane. Who's THAT hot piece of ASS, R293?

Hi Matt, I'm also named Shane. I love your accent. Where you from? London?

Shannon~

My entire family came down with terminal Stage 4 diarrhea after trusting that your Home Shopping Network Poison Nuclear Reactor Fushikama Fishwife Cakes were a quality food.

There has been discussion of colostomy bags, removal of 300 feet of intestine, as well as assisted suicide in Switzerland.

I sent you a heartfelt message and your response was so detestable and vicious I slumped into a corner and cried. I then tried to make it to the restroom, but didn't in time.

I want YOU to reveal your response to me for everyone here to see.

Show them your response! I want these people to see who you really are.

Those poisonous fishcakes needs to be taken off the market and buried somewhere in Arizona hundreds of miles from any living beings.

Shannon must be get desperate and have no friend left. She call me crying from a closet last night. I bill her for call!

R298 Are you KIDDING ME? I called you because I had the tip of an enema stuck up my ass and the most perfect man in the world - John - my man - refused to help me get it out! But I forgive him. I really do.

And if you bill me for that call, Dr. Moon, you'll find out the truth! EVERYONE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH!

Shannon, you need to address poison fishcake claim in R297. If true I no longer endorse your foods.

Read your response letter to me, Shannon!

Type it up here so EVERYONE can see!!!! I DARE YOU.

R300 Wow. Okay. You are not invited to my charity things I do, Dr. Moon. You'll be banned at the door, just like all the Little Miss 30-Year Olds.

Thank you for your support Dr. Moon. I was told the new age stuff will not save my family's bowels, collectively.

Otherwise, we would have set up an appointment.

Ah but you mistaken, R303. Swallow 12 small crystal balls and when balls pass, all is healed. Each special ball only cost $1,000. Cheap! (I no take insurance.)

Wow, r304. Okay. John Janssen is very jealous and has forbidden me to speak to you unless he's present! (John and his modest endowment are easily threatened.)

I am no 30-year-old miss, R302. I am 70-year-old mister doctor, and I am fed up with the shenanigans, Shannon!

You hot mess!

Shannon, when are gonna stop by my gym and show off all your gut again? I'm thinking this time I'll oil all your fat up before I take pictures.

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Hmmmm ... 34 missed calls from Shannon. Could it be something is amiss?

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Wow, r308. Okay. Are you kidding me? If anyone is going to fat shame me, it's going to be John Janssen!

And I'M NOT FAT!!!

WOW, r311. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME? John Janssen and I aren't married!!! I would never rush into marriage after my hell with Sociopathic Iguana Eyes.

But since John Janssen has kept the red flags in our relationship to an absolute minimum, marriage is definitely in our future!

Well sooooor-ry, Shannon Beador. The way you go on and on and on about John, can you forgive me if I slip up and think you're already married? When was the last time you two were even apart?

(By the way, did you get my mom's message about your old granny panties? I'd buy replacements for her myself, but money's tight right now.)

Wow, r314. Okay. Are you kidding me? I donate all my old lingerie to needy sexy people, a la Blanche Devereaux!

And John Janssen spends all his time with me because he LOVES ME!!! Not because there is any engulfment going on in this perfectly healthy and happy relationship!!!

I can't believe Shannon would deny my elderly mother her used underwear. If my mom gets phenomena from going commando, I am going to hunt Shannon down and rip her vagina off.

I think you mean pneumonia, dear, not phenomena.

WOW, r316. Don't you have a failing gym to run?

My gym is NOT failing, R318. We're just very niche, and are very selective about who take on as clients!

Does your gym cudgel its members with multiple WOWs when they've gained significant weight r319?

Because if not, you're doing it wrong.

Well, R320, we did hook up my friend Emily to a bunch of machines and called her morbidly obese! We're doing something right!

SHANNON! Take the time to COPY AND PASTE your goddamned response letter to my ENTIRE FAMILY who is succumbing to Stage 7!!!! Intestinal Stenosis, Eternal Diarrhea, Depression, and HAVING TO WEAR SHITBAGS because of your vile Fukishama Fishcakes. This BITCH had radiated fish Brought in from the Fushikama disaster to make these fucking "healthy meals" ..

Dr Moon, Can you chime the fuck in here, you fucking QUACK???!!!!

Speaking of Shannon and weight, she sets the WORST POSSIBLE EXAMPLE for her daughters. The oldest one is already struggling with her weight.

Shannon recently posted a picture of her daughters on Instagram in workout gear. She captioned the picture with "The Beador girls have been working out while staying at home 💪 (mom is going to lose a few more before she shows her skin😜)"

Like seriously, Shannon, between witnessing your hellish marriage to David, watching their father physically and mentally abuse their mother, and seeing your continued self-hatred ... they're going to have serious issues for the rest of their lives.

Heather, THANK YOU, dear. Those daughters are already as UGLY AS SATAN'S WORST SIN, so that any extra pounds, may send them , right over the edge!!

Champs, bitch. CHAMPS!

I no fucking QUACK, R323. I no DUCK! I doctor! You need to take my special herbs for two months to heal stomach. $500 for one day supply. Cheap!

Shannon, you need to speak about nuclear fishcake, you big rude white woman!

OOps I yelled at R323 instead of you, R322. Forgive, I drunk.

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Hiiii Shannon, it's your new neighbor, Tiffi. Do still have any of your mumus or caftans? Would you be willing to part with them? I lost mine in the move from my old place.

Sorry, Tiffi. Shannon already sold all her caftans to me.

I am beyond in love with Doctor MOON at this point. And Shannon BETTER FUCKING ANSWER FOR HER TOXIC FISHCAKE!

Cuntl

I never say I psychiatrist, R327. I real doctor!

Shannon! You see mouth? You shut mouth! John Janssen tell me he tired of you!! You complain all time! He hit you on face next time! Like David! Don't make John be mean like David!

Shut mouth! Shut mouth!

Now pay 500 dollar!

You girls better stay away from Dr. Moon. His "ancient Chinese secrets" are really just BLACK MAGIC. Come over to my house and we'll all pray together. Maybe that'll heal your borderline issue, R327.

Oooh I love a good prayer party! I'll bring champagne for the mimosas!

Shit. Between Dr. Moon, Shannon, and Lydia, I have found HEAVEN.

Shannon is an abuser's dream. She has zero self-confidence or sense of self, gets too close to people too quickly, folds like a cheap suitcase when someone gets angry with her, is very easy to fuck with and gaslight, subscribes to traditional gender roles ...

Shannon needs to post her letter to my family regarding the radiated poison fishcakes.

We have our intestines OUTSIDE of our bodies. This AIN'T right.

Wow, r337. Okay. Please contact QVC!!! I have nothing to do with the terrible food I hawk on the network. I just do it for the $$$ and the exposure.

Take the time to POST YOUR FUCKING RESPONSE TO MY FAMILY ABOUT OUR ROTTED BOWELS DESTROYED BY YOUR DEADLY FISH PATTIES, OR I WILL BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

I AM DONE!

I AM DONE, SHANNON!!!!

I AM DONE HAVING A DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, YOU FLIM FLAMMING SHEISTER CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon, I hate being the bearer of bad news, but I was on my way to the gym and I saw John FUCKING Archie behind the bushes in the park. You better get John under control, because I've NEVER seen something so LOW and BASE in my LIFE!

Heather, I heard that ALL OF OC knows that John is FUCKING little ARCHIE!!!!!

Poor Archie!!!!

SICK FUCK, JOHN!!!!!!! Motherfucker.

OH. MY. GAD! Shannan's dating A DOGGY FUCKER!? That's DEFINITELY worse than me dating a con-man! I'd HOPED- er, I mean, I KNEW, there was something wrong that Jan Janjansen! I KNEW IT!

Don't worry, everybody. It was totally consensual. The best walk of my life!

Oh my god. That face.

It's one thing bringing Shannon's 3 little hoglets into this shit, but that innocent Archie?

Collateral Damage.

No one is safe when involved with that raging harpy!

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Tamra, Vicki, Gretchen, Lydia, Meghan, Lynne, Peggy, Peggy, Jeana, Gina, Lizzie, Lauri, Quinn, Alexis, Tammy, Jo, Braunwyn, and Kelly, you all are NOT going to believe what Shannon just admitted to me.

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! How did the most BORING show of this entire franchise, with the most BORING women end up having a thread this funny!?

Arrrrchie! Arrrrrchie! Hey boy! Come here, boy. Come to daddy. I've got a peanut-butter-covered cock for ya!

Ok, WOW, ya know what? FUCK IT! I'm just gonna KILL myself. Just drive RIGHT into the ocean. HERE I GO!

LOLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shannon don't!!!!! We will have to stop this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this the END of Shannon?

Will John Janssen MARRY Archie?

Who'll get control of Shannon's health food empire?

Tune in next week to find out!

Same Orange time, same Orange channel.

I wouldn’t worry. Shannon’s ballast will endure she doesn’t sink. Like Shamu she will bob along at the top of the Pacific.

She did this twice during our marriage. Once because I didn’t like the disgusting fish she made for dinner.

I HEARD THAT!

Ye gods! He looks rather unfortunate at r348

Also who remembers when Shannon first got on the show? She was such a big fan of Brooks when all the other women saw through his bullshit and hated him. Seriously, why is she such a poor judge of character?

I liked Shannon during her first season, basically because Heather was such a cunt and Shannon's nuttiness was fun. BUT the way Shannon got SO close to Vicki, so fast, was a red flag. I knew she was a manipulator when she referred to Vicki as "Aunt Vicki" to her kids. Gross.

r355 I read somewhere that she had been friends with Vicki years before she came onto the show. I don't know if that's true or not. But considering she was suddenly disclosing stuff to Vicki about the abuse right off the bat, I also got the impression she didn't have many non-show friends

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WOW, r357. Okay. Are you kidding me? We met THREE DAYS before filming started and my kids were calling you Aunt Vicki!!! HOW DARE YOU!

What this thread needs is some BEAUTIFUL PLEATHER HANDBAGS

Good evening. Our main story this evening is the disappearance of well-known Orange County socialite and health food maven Shannon Beador. The mom of 3 was last seen speeding her car off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean. The car was pulled from the water, but Shannon Beador's body has yet to be found. When asked what the chances of Shannon still being alive, a Coast Guard rep replied, "Slim."

Come home Shannon, we're all praying for you.

Shannon strikes me as very easily manipulated by men who tell her their tales of woe. That may be why she was on Girth Brooks's side so fast. I think once she feels sorry for a man, she'll overlook most all of his bad behavior.

To her credit, in the video she did with John, she said something like "John is very patient with me, which is good, because I need a lot of patience." I think she has moments of clarity and recognizes she is a difficult person.

Shannon is a bottomless pit of need.

R359 And CUFFS!

Where are you yelling at me from, R358!? I thought you were lost somewhere in the ocean!?

I really CANNOT believe people are blaming ME for sending Shannon over that cliff. I only told 19 people that John fucks dogs, and it was the TRUTH!

Wow, r362. Okay, DAVID. Are you kidding me? I defended you against PROVEN allegations of physical abuse on national TV!!! I looked like a fool! You would be needy too, you little iguana-eyed sociopath!!

I hope that fat bitch got eaten by sharks. John and I are having a wonderful love affair. He can't stop telling me how much he loves me. My ass is a little sore, but so what? LOVE IS LOVE!

SURPRISE! I'm ALIVE! I jumped out of the car at the last possible second, took a long, peaceful walk along the coast, and am now heading back to John Janssen, my eternal love!

Et tu, Archibaldum r367?

Great news, everyone! John Janssen has taken me BACK! He's forgiven me for nearly killing myself over his infidelity, and has promised to never cheat on me again, with women, men, or dogs! He's such an AMAZING, FORGIVING man! I LOVE him SO much!

I had Archie put down.

So glad you alive, Shannon. You my numba one customer, er, I mean patient. When you come in for next crystal enema?

Shannon! You learn to use tongue! Make John Janssen happy! Make John Janssen beg more!

Now pay $1,000 dollar!

I'm SO glad Shannan's OK!

Wow, r373. Okay. Are you kidding me? My kids called you AUNT VICKI and you made a horrendous, false accusation about their father!!! And now you claim to care about me? How fucking dare you!!!!!!

And in other local news, missing Orange County divorcee, beloved socialite, and frozen health foods entrepreneur Shannon Beador has reappeared safe and sound. The facts of this strange case are still forming, but sources say she was saved by a pod of whales who mistook her for one of their own. More at 11.

OK they found her. Can we stop praying now?

R374, you surviving your suicide attempt is a sign fram GAD ABOVE that you and I were meant to be FRIENDS! So, going forward, you're going to call me WHENEVER you've locked yourself in a closet, or pantry, or trunk, do you understand me, Shannan! And I'll call YOU when it's time for your bridesmaid dress fitting!

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Maybe he he just wanted you to lose weight, you fucking pig, r378.

But maybe you're a lost cause like Shannon. No matter how much I hit her, she still ordered the chocolate smoothie.

r377 okay, wow, are you serious? I never called you from the closet!!!

And if I did, why didn't you call the police!! I was scared! I was being beaten!

But I never called you!

Shannon Shtorms.

I saved Shannon because I thought she was my mommy. But then my real mommy swam up, pushed her toward shore, and dumped her on the beach. Then my mommy reprimanded me, telling me to stay away from crazy women like Shannon Beador.

This beluga whale story sounds fishy.

r382 that beluga looks ... mmmmmm.

John, what's with your sudden interest in swimming with whales?

r385 dear, if he were interested in swimming with whales, he'd join you in the pool and call it a day

I love my Little Humpback, R386. I'd never cheat on her with other whales.

Little HUMPBACK? That is so... SWEET! God, I don't think there's a better man for me than you, John!

Is Shannon Shtorms shtill mishing?

Shannan, I got my face lifted just for our Best Friend Renewal Ceremony next week. Are you gonna get your face lifted too? Better hurry, chop chop!

Wow, r390. Are you kidding me? You know that JOHN JANSSEN loves me JUST the way I am!!!

And if I do everything he tells me, he'll love me even more and never leave me!!!

John Jansshen

Is John Jansshen shtill schtupping dogsh?

Do they screen episodes of RHOC on his forehead?

They alternate weekly between his forehead and her ass, R394.

Wow, r395. Okay. Are you serious? Don't you have an S&M session with the trailer trash fiancee to engage in?

This just in: Beloved Orange County socialite Shannon Beador's boyfriend, John Janssen, has reportedly been sighted raping a beluga whale in the blowhole off the coast of Newport Beach. Film at 11!

She's not just my fiancee, R396, she's the ONLY woman I ever loved.

Shannon, you and Vicki being best friends again inspired Tamra and me to be best friends again! You're such an inspiration to women, Shannon!

WOW, R399, thank you! I always thought I was inspirational, but it's nice to hear someone confirm it! Did you know that in a past life I saved a nation!?

R400 I heard that in a past life you were a Chinese dowager who was killed when a gong fell on your head.

Wow, r398. Okay. Are you kidding me?

You renewed my vows!!!

Go put a bowl on your head, Shannon!

JOHN JANSSEN RAPED ME!

Well, well, well. 34 missed calls from Shannon. Is she on the outs with John Janssen again?

WOW!

OK!

WOW!

OK!

WOW, R405!

I am NEVER on the OUTS with John Janssen, Tamra. I am ONLY ever on the INS!

Shannon, please call me. You owe $8,000 for special yak pee cupping session. PAY NOW!

Then why did you call me crying hysterically and screaming for your life r406?

Are you SERIOUS, R408!? I have NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER called you crying hysterically! I have only ever called you LAUGHING hysterically, because John Janssen is so HILARIOUS and CHARMING! I always tell him he should be a stand-up COMIC! He is a CUT UP and never beats ME UP!

Shannon! Stop! You full shit. You do special oolong colonic. It flush you out. It flush you out of the shit! Make John Janssen happy. He say he backdoor man. Don't know meaning. He say he like clean colon.

Now pay $2000 dollar!!

I am the Rodney Dangerfield of Orange County. I get NO respect!

I feel another speedy drive off a cliff coming! Pacific Ocean, HERE I COME!

Goodbye Orange County! Goodbye John Janssen! Goodbye kids! Goodbye David! Goodbye Vicki! Goodbye frozen dinners!

John Janssen looks pussy whipped.

He needs to grow a pair, take her to another room, and rough up her whiny ass.

Shannon, no! Suicide is a SIN!

You know what, R414? I'm done! I'm turning this car around right now and coming to find you, David! And when I find you, I am going to kill you dead! You will rue the day you messed with Shannon Storms!

Messhed with Shannon Shtorms.

You better stop mocking me, Liza Minelli, or I'll come find you after I'm done decapitating David!

I don't know r418

I'm coming to find you, Jeff Lewis. Shannon Storms will not be denied.

Does John Janssen ever see you when you look like that, r420 dear?

HI DAVID! BYE DAVID!

Shannon here! Everything is good! John Janssen hit .. I mean yelled ... I mean talked some sense into me. I'm happy again!!!

I will always be a part of you, R423. I lay hidden inside your brain, eagerly awaiting your permission to come out and play.

Shtormy weather, she can't get her poor shelf together ...

Liza! You've always been a mentor to me. Will you come sing at our wedding?

Sure thing hun. I've got the perfect shong!

Encore! Encore!

WOW, r428. Okay, JOHN JANSSEN. Wow. Are you kidding me? Liza? Really? Do you actually find that old, fat, dried up, spiderweb-in-her-snatch "woman" attractive? Are you kidding me? Seriously? Wow. Okay. WOW.

SHE CAN'T EVEN TURN OFF A LAMP!!

Shut up, blubber-butt, or I'll beat you with a lamp!

Wow. Okay, r430, are you serious? I STILL HAVE VICKI ON SPEED DIAL!!

Shannon r431, please slow down. You're hysterical! I can't understand a word you're saying!

John Janssen? Liza? Mistress? He's mad? You're hiding in a closet?

I suspect you're not the only one in that relationship who's currently in a closet, dear.

John Jansshen ushed to come to all my shows dresshed up as me! He'sh my biggessht fan!

R432 Did somebody say "closet?"

Eddie, get AWAY from LIZA MINELLI!

Eddie, you keep you mouth away from John Janssen! The only one sucking the cum out of his balls is going to be ME!

Eddie, come home and breastfeed our baby! He'll starve without your milk! Dr. Ombay said mine's too toxic!

Shannan! It's almost time for our Best Friend Renewal Ceremony. All the girls are gonna be SO jealous that you get to be my best friend! WOOHOO I can't WAIT!

R436 You are so classless, Shannon. The words you say pierce my already 24 karat-pierced ears. You'll never be as fabulous and refined as I am. Now I'm asking you to leave my house. Go. Now.

Wow, R439. WOW! I am done. DONE! Just because you starred in your own scripted series for a hot second twenty fuckin' years ago doesn't give you the right to treat me like CRAP! No one's allowed to treat me like crap except JOHN JANSSEN!

R441 You will NOT be welcome in my home ever again. The f-word is never used within these four walls. My perfect children don't even know what word is.

And you will NOT get a free sample of the over-priced snake oil...er...hand sanitizer Terry sells on TV. And you'll never sample our prosecco.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to rehearse my lines for my upcoming appearance on "The Conners," where I play a rich business woman who wants to buy the Conners' house and tear it down to make way for a rizy tennis club.

Wow they'll cast just about anybody on my show nowadays.

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By the way, Shannon r443, I've invited David and his trailer trash fiancee to our friendship renewal.

It's nothing personal, but he always did have an incredible hard-on for me, plus I need to to prove to Bravo I can still manufacture drama.

Wow, r444. Okay. Are you serious Vicki? How could you betray me after I relied on you for all my scared-in-the-closet-emergency-call needs?!

Some part of me wonders if she even likes JOHN JANSSEN.

I feel like she is flaunting their "relationship" in a desperate attempt to get David's attention.

You KNOW she isn't over him and would still take him back.

R446 Are you KIDDING ME?! I love John Janssen so much, mainly because he doesn't hit me as hard as that asshole David did.

And I can watch a movie on John's head. I could never do that with David.

Okay. I'm done. I'M DONE.

He has major gay face in r446

R448 I noticed that, too, Eddie (call me).

The only woman John Janssen can't live without.

R450 She's fabulous.

John Janssen is a bossy bottom

R452 So am I, Andy!

WOW, r453. Are you serious?

JOHN JANSSEN IS NOT GAY. He's CHRISTIAN!!!

R454 Me, too! Lydia's husband personally anointed my ass with his holy water.

Put on your Sunday clothes when feel down and out!

Strut down the street and have your picture took!

Dressed like a dream, your spirits seem to turn about!

That Sunday shine is a certain sign that you feel as fine as you look!

John Janssen's a member of mine and Doug Maclaughlin's special guys only prayer circle. We spend SO much time on our knees.

Good, r457! I always told him prayer would make him a better man ... who yelled at me less!!

I love worshipping with John, R458, especially when he's inside me... Er... I mean when the Holy Spirit's inside me.

Holy Shpirit

John and I perform this duet when we're alone together. He plays Liza and I play the other one. SO MUCH FUN!

How appropriate, r461! I suspect both you and Lorna were molested ...

He doesn't look bad here

Shannon! Why you try solve problem with John Janssen with Liza Minell? You need crystal cupping! Only $1,500 dollar a session! You try, you like. You become less bitch to John Janssen. He don't yell anymore. He love you long time!

Twelve session minimum! You pay upfront!!

Dr. Moon, I need something that'll help me balance being an international celebrity and a loving partner to John Janssen! Can you help me?

r465 Shannon! You drink this potion. It made of oolong tea, gold-leaf, and Madagascar hissing cockroach eggs! You drink! You drink five times day. It make yeoseong moist again! John Janssen slide right in. Very easy. He happy. No more KY. KY toxic! May you crazy!

Only $200 for 100 milliliter! Must buy bulk!

And when John Janssen yell you close eyes. You think happy. Do what he want. Don't talk back. Then he stop yell.

Shannon hasn't answered her phone all day!! I'm getting worried.

R467, I had my face lifted for our Best Friend Renewal Ceremony tomorrow, just like you wanted me to! I can't wait to be best friends with you again!

Are you serious, R462? WOW! I cannot understand how your brain works! How dare you suggest I was molested! You take that back or I'll make sure NO ONE in Orange County hires you to give psychic readings at their dinner parties EVER AGAIN! You'll be FINISHED! I'm DONE!

Moleshted

You show all the shigns r469

JOHN JANSSEN! Stop listening to Liza at all hours of the day and night! I can't stand her voice anymore. It's driving me craz ... ier. All you ever want to do is listen to Liza and hang out with your men's group from church.

Stop before I launch into another borderline rage!!!!!!!!!!!

r468 Shannon, when John Janssen listens to Liza, he pretends her microphone is his dick.

Assuming he were well-endowed, of course.

I would pray over her until she sees the error of her ways, but Heather Dubrow and her family are not of the Christian persuasion.

R473. Wow. Okay. So your daughter's part dyke. At least my daughters know who they are 100% - plain girls with no talent and zero sexual appeal, just like their mom.

Ok, which one of you ladies is broke and living off of your credit cards and your boyfriend? If any of you need any tips to stay financially afloat, call me at Coto; I'm there 19 hours every day.

Prediction r474: two of them will end up in abusive marriages and remain because their mom taught them "Divorce is not an option!!!"

The third is going to be a raging lesbian.

Wow, R470, wow! I was not fiddled with as a child! STOP THE LIES! You just want to trick John Janssen into thinking I'm damaged goods! It's NOT gonna work, Liza! HA!

Your raging alcoholism, embarrassing hypochondrism, extreme emotional instability, and clear absence of a sense of self don't lie r477

NOT gonna happen, R476! I will NOT hesitate to send ANY of my interchangeable daughters to a Caribbean reeducation camp for troubled teens at the first sign of pussy licking, you fraud psychic! You LGBT people will not corrupt my girls!

Do you still drug test them, r479? How's that working out for the parent-child relationship?

Shannon, remember when we were drunk and you begged me to let you go down on me? I am strictly dickly, so I was all "Heeeell no!" and you got super pissed and started crying about how no one loves you. Then you ate a whole bag of marshmallows.

R480 You would know how the family is doing if you could ever tear yourself away from your 30-year-old hooker and see your girls once in a while, you deadbeat!

R481. Wow. Okay. Everyone knows you're strictly dickly, Kelly. And you have the choo choo trains to prove it.

WOW Kelly! WOW! It wasn't ME who wanted to go downtown, R481, it was YOU!

r482 you spend more on booze then I spend on blow, and considering I only buy Peruvian flake, that is saying something.

Like you could get a train run on you, R483! You'd be lucky to get a unicycle run on you!

A-HA, R485! I've got that last statement recorded on my phone. I'm gonna put you in prison so fast you're head'll spin! I've got you now, DAVID!

YOUR, r487.

r487 as if your fat ass could "rush" anywhere

Wow! WOW! WOOOW! I am done! DONE! The next time I see you out riding a motorized bicycle in traffic, R486, I'm gonna run you over with my Range Rover!

Watch me, R489! I've been working out too. I do kegel exercises all day!

How ..... impressive, r491.

Dr. Moon, I feel the dark urges returning. I'm mad all the time! I angrily finger-bang myself ALL THE TIME! I'm bloodthirsty CONSTANTLY. John Janssen had to hide my machete! Please give me something to make these horrible thoughts STOP!

Shannan! Where are you? We were supposed to meet at my house and go to the Best Friend Renewal Ceremony together! Do you not want to be my best friend anymore? Call me back!

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Heard ya the first time, ma.

r493 Shannon! Put three crystals under mattress. Only $750 dollar each! Discount! No more angry. Happy.

Stop hiding when John Janssen mad! Must be submissive, like good Korean wife. Must take beating, no hide. Why Korean men happy? Because wife obey. You bad girlfriend. Bad girlfriend become bad wife. Obey!

$3500 dollar for today session. You pay! You pay now! No stiff!

Ha! I always thought you were a Chinaman, Dr. Moon.

This thread gives me life.

I made it to the Friendship Renewal Ceremony! Let's get this show on the road!

When Shannon and David were at their "couples retreat" (with the quack "marriage counselor") Shannon was asked to list two ways she'd hurt David. The first thing she said was, "I hurt him by not respecting him."

I knew then she was a lost cause.

Wow, Jeff Lewis, wow! I did NOT invite you to this Friendship Renewal so you could make SMART remarks. I'd call you the f word but we're in a public place now and I'm a respectable pillar of my community!

Hi Shannon r503! So nice to be at your friendship renewal.

David and I fucked all morning long. And as soon as this thing is over, we're going to fuck some more. Probably won't be able to wait until we're home. I'll probably blow him as we speed down the 5 in our new Maserati!

Here I come, Shannan! Get ready for the best friendship you'll ever have!

Vicki and Shannon are getting WAAAY too much attention. Let's make out to get attention!

Really, R504? I swallowed my pride by having you and David here, but you don't have to rub your sexuality in my face. I am a proper lady! A respected socialite! And you are gutter trash! Now shut up and watch me and Vicki become friends again!

Yay! We're finally getting our Aunt Vicki back!

The "Friend Mender" Officiant, by the way:

R507 Did someone say "swallowed?"

Sorry we're late. I had an audition for a two-parter on NCIS: New Orleans. The character is an uptight rich bitch from California who used to be an actress. It's a stretch, but I think I smell an Emmy!

r507 I may be gutter trash but I know how to keep a man satisfied. Here's a hint: you need to swallow more than your pride.

Enjoy your lavender marriage with John "Three Inch" Janssen

Now it's the part of the ceremony where every single guest has to share why they think Shannon and Vicki should renew their best friendship.

Who's first!?

Don't be shy. Let's hear it.

Because Shannon needs someone to call when John is beating her ..... allegedly r513

Because Vicki needs someone she can feel better than.

Because Shannon needs to stop bothering me every time she has a crisis.

Because I need a break from her constant whining, boundary crossing, and engulfment.

Because I want to invite them both over to watch my two-part guest starring role on NCIS: New Orleans.

Because duck goes in warm bath and cow goes in giant tree, but dog no like salt. It make more sense in Armenian.

Because it's easier to pray over both of them when they're in the room together.

Because I need a break from Vicki's nightly stripteases where she begs me to set a date for the wedding.

Because we just wanna smoke a little weed without being drug tested by our crazy, bored mother and her weird, Christian boyfriend.

Because every Miss Piggy needs her Kermit the Frog.

Because it's wonderful to see two such amazing human beings as friends. It's like if Jesus met another Jesus and they decided to be friends.

Because Vicki is a sad, desperate person, and water seeks it's own level.

Because Shannon is a pathetic piece of work who can't have meaningful relationships

Ok. David going to the bathroom was my signal. Now it's time to take his ex out.

KABOOM!

Wow, r528 / r529. Are you kidding me David? Can't you keep your violent tenancies locked away until your weekly sessions with hookers?

How the FUCK are you still ALIVE, you stupid FUCKING BITCH!

I'm never going to ANY event with Shannan ever again! Look at me, I've got soot and bits of flesh all over me! Driver, take me to Cabo! This OG needs a break from the OC.

Dr. Moon, do you have anything I can take that'll grow my left arm back?

Shannon, I thought you were a pro at hiding injuries. Remember those photos you sent me?

Wow, R534, ok. Wow. We were just standing under an arch of sea shells, ready to renew or friendship vows, and now you have the AUDACITY to bring up the past to hurt a freshly-armless single mother? How could you? HOW? Someday everyone will know the truth about you, Vicki! ONE DAY YOU'LL ALL KNOW THE TRUTH!

I had a shuper time at your Friendship Renewal, R535. It wash a real BLASHT!

The pleasure was all mine Liza r536!

Shannon, now you won't have to stop giving me hand-jobs! I got you the best robo-arm money could by.

John, were you injured in the blast? I hope your dick's still in one piece at least. I really want to try a new position at our next prayer meeting.

His dick's fine, R539. It was all the way down my throat when the assassin shot his bazooka at Shannon.

Wow, r540. Okay. I know you have a hard-on for David but LEAVE MY NEW MAN ALONE!!!!!

I can't believe she doesn't know.

Girl, I couldn't even open my mouth around David without him sticking his cock in it, R541.

Wow, r543. Okay. Are you serious? HOW DARE YOU!! My homely daughters could be reading this!!!

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Wow, r545. Okay. Are you kidding me? I go to church every Sunday!! And John Janssen tells me he is on his knees three or four times a week!

I don't need your pity prayers!

I never hired anyone to do anything to Shannon, R545. Get your facts straight before I send my girlfriend over to kick your ass.

But look on the bright side, Shannon. At least your robo-arm can't get fat!

Wow, r547. Okay. Are you kidding me? You didn't have to hire anyone!! Do you remember when I hid in the closet!?!!

I remember all the times you got wasted and attacked me when I got home from work, R548. Then you'd mistake the closet for the bathroom and leave giant piles of shit on the floor.

Shannon took a dump in my closet too.

Mine too! I rubbed her face in it!

Wow, r549 / r550 / r551. Okay. Are you kidding me? Thanks to my frequent colonics and Kegel exercises I have excellent control of my bowels!!

She took shits in our closets too! We thought we were the only ones! Camille was scarred for life!

Shannon Beador, Serial Shitter! Lock up your closets ladies!

John Janssen!! They're being mean to me on The Data Lounge again! John!!! They're saying I shit in the closet. Come here, John, make them stop! They're so mean. You're the only one who's allowed to be mean to me. John!!!!

Sherial shitter.

Wow, seriously? WOW! Fuck all of you! I'M MOVING!

You never ran anywhere in your life except to the fridge, fat ass!

She ran from my house when she shit in closet.

I AM DONE! DONE!

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Shannon Shtorms is jealoush.

I'm gonna kill myself, Liza! I'm gonna drive right into the nearest Starbucks and take out as many people with me as possible!

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Liza, will you help me get custody of my granddaughters? They can't be trusted with that suicidal retard Shannon.

Was Mother Beador's nationality ever established r565? Beador is French Canadian, but was she herself French Canadian? She seemed like she hailed from the Eastern Bloc.

A handsome woman.

She hails from the pits of hell, R566! The lowest, darkest, hottest pits of HELL!

Guess who's back fram Cabo, all fresh and rested! Ready to give our best friendship another try, Shannan? Call me when Jan Janjansen beats you, OK?

Shannon, it wasn't David who hired that hit-man with the bazooka. It was ME! Now, if you know what's good for you, you stupid cunt, you'll fly to some remote island in the Pacific and NEVER come back to Orange County, if you know what's good for you, you fat fucking bitch!

r568 HE NEVER BEAT ME YOU LIAR!!!!!!

NO, R570, YOU BEAT HIM! You're a drunken violent slut, and you ruined my David's life!

Wow, r571. Okay. Are you kidding me? Shouldn't you be busy yelling at David's new trailer trash fiancee? At least I went to cotillion!!!

It's so hard living in Orange County when you're friends with SHANNON BEADOR!

Shannon, darl, you and John Janssen should move to Australia. We're so much nicer here.

David's fiancee is a wonderful woman, R572. She'll be a great mother to those girls, once you're out of the picture! She's gonna have a ton of work to do, too, no thanks to your awful parenting style, you fucking bitch slut cunt!

Wow, r575. Okay. Are you kidding me? Get back to whatever former Soviet hellhole whence you came!!!

I ate cunts like you for breakfast when I was behind the Iron Curtain, you piece of flabby shit! R575, you and John Jackass better leave the country, or I'll have you BOTH dealt with.

FUCK! I meant R576. My mind's not the same since Shannon tried to poison me with her radioactive fish cakes!

Shannon, please be my friend. Please?

I'm the only friend you need, R579.

Wow, r580. Okay. Are you serious? This thread has room for only one fame whore and that would be JOHN JANSSEN!

I'm not a fame whore, R581, I'm a COCK WHORE!

And I'm a coke whore r582

David, put that booger sugar down and come give mama a hug.

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Begone, you Mexican skank!

Wow, r586. Okay. Are you kidding me? Why are you still in my thread? Don't you have a bingo game in a smoke-filled church basement to attend to fritter away David's money?

Come here and say that to my face, R587, and I'll shove both my fists straight up your fat asshole and tear you into two, you huge fucking bimbo cunt!

Shannon, we at RHOA , Potomac, Married to Medicine and one particular housewife with RHOBH, want to know what you've done to atone for your over the top, way-too whiteness and unapologetic Orange County privilege ? Do you have any meals in the works with equality reflection?

R589 Are you KIDDING ME? I've just introduced a new frozen meal package consisting of black beans and cajun chicken, and I call it "Black Meals Matter." I don't just eat charitable meals, Little Miss 30-year old. I MAKE THEM!

I'm done. I'm done.

^^^^^LOLOL

As a matter of fact, Miss R589, my three daughters and I go out to Orange County's homeless black population every Wednesday evening to hand out frozen Black Meals Matter dinners for FREE! So don't give me any of that privilege baloney. Do you see Terry and Heather Dubrow giving out free botox injections and tubes of skin creams? Do you see Vicki Gunvalson giving out free insurance policies or bottles of her perfume? Do you see Lydia McLaughlin giving away copies of her several dozen lifestyle magazines? Do you see Kelly Dodd handing out bottle of her Positive Beverage H20 on skid row? I don't THINK SO! I am the MOST charitable, non-privileged, in-touch woman in Orange County.

Wow, R588! Are you SERIOUS? No one is allowed to stick their fists up my butt except for John Janssen! Even then, I make him use plenty of 100% organic lubricant. We started small with his pinky, then moved up to his big peepee, and now we do fists! I hope he'll be able to fit his entire head in my October!

Ohhhh, too much information? Well, Mother Beador, THAT'S what you GET for being such an awful demonic entity that not even the most expensive crystals could ever get rid of. Now you and your smelly crotch leave me alone!

Shannon, r593, your face is going to become acquainted with my fist if I don't see my lunch very soon!

Just kidding dear!! But no, really, get my fucking lunch, bitch.

Lunch is served, R594! I hope you like it this time, so you won't force me to eat it instead while you stand there going 'oink oink oink' until I'm done.

Shannon were you popular in High School? A cheerleader? A Majorette? Tennis Team standout?( I know they didn't have soccer when you were little) . Where you voted 'Best Dressed?' or in a Sorority? Were you a girls-girl like Jennifer Anniston? Or a sullen, over protected, bookworm with a large nose , Peter Frampton idolizing loner? I'm just trying to understand, who is Shannon Beador?

Wow, okay, r596. Are you kidding me? I rode horses, you fucking bitch! English only; Western was too déclassé for the Storms family.

Shannon's too fat to ride any horses now. She'd crumple up up like beer cans.

Oh god oh god oh god. I'm gonna shit my pants! John Janssen, DRIVE FASTER!

r599 is a good post to end this thread on

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, JOHN!