"Sudden Storms: Living, Loving, & Losing Your Mind in Orange County"

Previoush Thread

Does Kelly have HIV?

Yes I do, R2! And now all the guys who pulled that train do too! What's the big deal?

Wow! Seriously! This thread is about me! MEEE! NOT KELLY DODD!

Shannon, I hoyd a RUMA dat you take giant craps in people's closets when you get drunk. Is dat true?

Shannon, you no pay for yak pee enema you had last week. You owe $4,000! You pay now!

People love to hate a woman who has a great man like John Janssen in their life. People are just jealous of my amazing life!

What happened to her boyfriend's eyebrows? Was it a case of overplucking when he did drag?

Will Liza be the fly in the ointment???

Wow, R8. Okay. Are you kidding me? John Janssen is a devout Christian with STRONG FAMILY VALUES! (In other words, he believes in traditional gender roles and would never consider being a sinful transvestite!)

I've never seen you OR Joan at any church, R10.

JOAN!? JOAN!? Seriously, R11? JOAN!? Is that your way of suggesting that John Janssen is something less than a man? How dare you!

Well, his manhood is a lot less than mine, r12

That's for sure, R12. His average-sized cock doesn't satiate my oral fixation like your monster used to.

I mean R13. Oops. Must be the afib!

Still living in a motel over here!

Aw Lynne! I'll buy a couple cuffs!

We're so boring we forgot what season we were on

Vat is season?

Wow Peggy, WOW! And wow Peggy, WOW WOW! Both of you get out of my thread, R18!

Shannon, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you discovered the joys of getting your pussy licked by a HOT! and SPICY! lipstick lesbian! 💄 👅 💋

Don't shteal my shpotlight

Oh God, Shannon, R21 is great for a little post-breakup lesbian sex. Just don't let her get too emotionally invested in you, or else she'll stalk you like she stalked me.

Wow, r23. Okay. Are you serious? I am a GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN who guides my life with the sage advice of Focus on the Family.

You are a backsliding devil!

Lydia told me!!!

Shannon, can we get another dog? Ever since you had Archie put down, I've been so gloomy.

One interesting linguistic quirk with Shannon: everything is hyperbolic with her ... she is never just "hurt." It's always, "It was like a knife in my heart."

I wonder what the armchair psychologists have to say about that one.

That remark was like a cactus up my ass, R26. You're so mean, Meghan.

r27 Shannon! Stop giving away the details of our sex life, which is TOTALLY VANILLA

I'm sorry, R28, I'll never do it again. Please don't hit me! John! John, NO! Please, don't! AAAHHHHH!

Remember yesterday session Shannon r29!

Stop hiding when John Janssen mad! Must be submissive, like good Korean wife. Must take beating, no hide. Why Korean men happy? Because wife obey. You bad girlfriend. Bad girlfriend become bad wife. Obey!

$3500 dollar for yesterday session. You don't pay! You pay now! No stiff! No stiff!

Dr. Moon, you are my COCK!

I MEAN ROCK! Don't get the wrong idea, Dr. Moon! Please, no, zip your pants back up!

SHANNON! r32!! What the fuck is going on here!!

Wanna run train, Mista Janssen?

Shannon, r32, we are going the fuck home NOW. And no more Dr. Moon visits without my permission!!!

I so sorry! Is all misunderstanding, R35! I took dried viper venom by accident today instead of horny goat weed. Please forgive. I send you bill for today's visit. Only $6,000. Cheap!

John Jansshen

Shudden Shtorms is on. Itsh my favorite show!

Psssst, John. John. JOHN! Dude, Eddie, Slade and I need a fourth for our monthly RHOC Husband's "poker night." But it's actually more of a "poke-him" event, if you catch my drift. Yuck-yuck! Just tell Fat-Ass you're off to do some networking with other Bravo celebs, she loves when you do that shit. Especially when she knows the only reason they keep her on the show is that she's a fucking mess people love to laugh at. Yeah, we're meeting at the Surf and Sand at 8. No, you don't need protection.

PS Please bring riding crop, paddle, and hood: you know I like it rough

R40 I'll come by only if I can bring my all guy prayer circle buddies, Shane Keough and Doug Mclaughlin. They love getting down on their knees.

OC has my favorite cast. Everyone's boyfriend or husband is always SO eager to suck some cock!

Footage of Shannon, David and Lesley discussing custody arrangements for the fat stripper daughters

Wow R43. Are you serious? Those... those... FREAKS in that little clip you just shared are supposed to be me and my ex-husband and his little Miss 30 year old SLUT!? Wow. WOW! Your cruelty is like a brick to the face! I look NOTHING like that big fat woman with the dark hair! And David has never been that fat! WOW! I am DONE with you!

Shannon and her tramp daughter discuss birth control

Stop making fun of me, R45! I've taken crap from everybody I know, but YOU, your crap is like an ice-pick to my heart. Do you know how many pounds I've gained these past couple weeks? 19 pounds! Do you know how many times I've contemplated suicide? 19 times! That's one negative thought for every pound! I am DONE with you, Jess Lewis. DONE!

Woe is me, I pay 5x time for a house than I should and have to get plastic surgery and be a fame whore to fit in. Waaaaaaaa

That's no way to talk to your mother, R47!

Plashtic shurgery

Wow, r41. Okay. Are you serious? Why are you talking to David!!! You know he's a bad guy. This feels like a thumbscrew to the fingers!!!

Shannon ... you're hysterical! You meed to slow down!! You just interrupted a marathon love tank-filling session between Steve and me. What did John do? David? Thumbscrew? Closet?

I don't have time for this now. Take a couple of aspirin and call me back in the morning.

Thumbshcrew.

Really, R51? Are you serious? Wow! You're such a neglectful best friend. To borrow and expression from my kids, you are CANCELED! I'm instructing my daughters to never call you Aunt Vicki again! Instead, I'll give them special permission to call you Cunt Vicki.

Get back in that kitchen and make me some breakfast, R50, you fat slob. Don't give me any back-talk, or I'll put your head through the wall. Now GO!

When John gets mad at me like that, it's like a kick to the gunt!

I'd like to shcramble John Jansshen's eggs r55

R56, mornings are hard enough for me without having to deal with you popping your head in my kitchen window to MOCK ME! Now shoo! SHOO!

Lol why are there so many threads about the most boring housewife in history, am I missing something?

Hi r57 Shannon Shtorms and John Jansshen!

WOW, r58. Okay. Are you serious right now? I have an almost-JD, an extremely successful QVC food line, three daughters who are poised to become the female versions of Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, and John Bonham, an AMAZINGLY attractive, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and only mildly abusive boyfriend named JOHN JANSSEN, a rockin' hot bod, a personality disorder that is completely under control ...

I AM THE ANTITHESIS OF BORING YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!

Are you SERIOUS, R58!? I am NOT boring. I am the exact opposite of boring! I am the most exciting American woman since Phyllis Shlafly! I am inspiration to millions, and a health foods MAVEN! Now could you please let me attend to John Janssen's breakfast? He's standing in the hallway staring daggers at me. No John, no, I AM making your breakfast! Stop it John, NO, don't hit me! NO! I said sorry! SORRY! No! NOOO!

Two of my many multiple personalities spoke at the same time! I love when that happens!

This is a not so exaggerated version of Shannon,r58. Imagine a cross between Betty Broderick and Francine Fishpaw and that’s her.

Shannon r62! I put you down extra session! Too many personality. You need more wasp cupping! Wasp in cup, sucks out toxin. You have too many toxin! John Jannsen yelling not effecting to remove toxin!

Only $1,000 dollar for extra session! You pay upfront!! No stiff Dr. Moon!

Shannon! You hold still! Hold still! Like when John Janssen try to find your seong-gi!!

You move, I add $500 to bill every time!

WOW, r63. Okay. Are you kidding me? Betty Broderick? I am a spring chicken compared to that old hag!!!

WHET to Dr. Tim, Shannon's shmarmy, shanctimonious "trainer"?

Since you simply refuse to mind your own business, R67, I'll tell you! Wow. Just WOW. After my last visit to that torture chamber, I left a scathing fifteen page review for his so-called gym on Yelp. Then I emailed ALL my contacts the same fifteen pages, posted them on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram! A week later, BOOM, that place was OUT of business, and the owner, well, let's just say I've seen him pushing a shopping cart around at the beach, collecting cans. HA! That'll teach him to mess with Shannon Storms Beador!

r68 Shannon, why are you on the computer without my permission?!! I said you could use it AFTER you make me lunch!!

Oh my GOD. I am SO sorry, R69. I just got caught up in the drama, as always. I'll get right to your lunch this second.

Hey, don't throw that LP at me! HEY! JOHN? NOOO.

OW!

Hey, Shannon, I found the perfect guy for you once you dump that abusive piece of crap Jan Janjansen!

Yesh, dump John Jansshen, Shannon. Maybe thish time he'll be all mine. I'll finally be Mishus Liza Jansshen. Lishen to your friend Vicki. She alwaysh knowsh besht.

Wow, r72. Okay. Are you kidding me? JOHN JANSSEN only has eyes for me! He tells me he is the only person on earth who is patient and kind enough to put up with my craziness and embarrassing personality traits. He says if I listen to him more he will stop yelling at me. I am truly the luckiest woman in the world to have him and I will NOT have you interfering with our love!

And you STILL CAN'T TURN OFF A LAMP!!

The best part of these threads is that ... I imagine half of the "Shannon" responses are what actually goes on inside Shannon's head.

David used to be fucking hot.

Oh yes he was, R75, and still is.

Eddie! Stop jerking off to pictures of David!

His eyes look normal in R75 ! They're set back in his head with an almost ' almond' kinda shape. What made them protract so forward and become so round ? Do you think he has Graves disease ? Is it hereditary? Is it passed on sexually?

I still think he gives off an abuser vibe r78, in spite of his hotness

At least I have full eyebrows, r78, unlike John Janssen.

And a much bigger dick.

R80 R79 Touche'

All of his years married to that harridan bitch cunt Shannon made his eyes bug out, R78. Just another reason why I'll never forgive that nagging twat for marrying my son!

Who is this person? Is she supposed to be famous?

r83 = David Beador

She’s one of the Real Housewives of Orange County. She’s an overwrought, overweight alcoholic with rage issues who probably suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.

She literally cannot take anything in stride, any slight or insult no matter how insignificant leads to a histrionic meltdown.

She was the victim of gaslighting by her crazy eyed, abusive ex-husband David, who used to dig at her in the most passive aggressive ways on camera. Her mother in law hated her and went on camera to air her grievances and tell the world what a massive bitch Shannon Storms Beador is.

She’s now divorced and dating a beady eyed man who’s probably homosexual.

She’s one of those people that other people enjoy messing with. She overreacts to everything. As stated above, picture a cross between Betty Broderick and Francine Fishpaw and you have Fat Shannon.

Wow, r83. Okay. Are you serious? Maybe you know me because I am the girlfriend of JOHN JANSSEN, the sexiest, handsomest, kindest, most Christian boyfriend on the PLANET. He also has STRONG FAMILY VALUES (he believes in traditional gender roles!) and he is only very low key abusive -- and only when I deserve it!!

Or maybe you know me from my BESTSELLING and DELICIOUS QVC line of healthy food. It's perfect for busy, on-the-go businesswomen LIKE ME!

Or maybe you know me from my homely but VERY TALENTED and TOTALLY DRUG-FREE (I test them weekly!) daughters! They have their own band and will one day surpass both The Beatles and Led Zeppelin in record sales!

Or maybe you know me by the marginally-talented Liza Minelli, who is the current object of John Janssen's fixation -- but we're working on that.

You need to GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF, R86! You ain't SHIT!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Wow, r88. Okay. Are you kidding me? John Janssen is a strictly QVC man.

Shannon r89! Get off the computer, get your fat ass in here, and tell me why I don't see dinner on the table!!!

What the hells a QVshe?

WOW, R90! Are you serious right now? I'm DONE! You make your own goddamn dinner, John Janssen.

I'm going over to Vicki's!

Shannon r92, I would think very hard before walking out that door going back to that evil, vile woman. You will be sorry. I've told she is a bad influence on you!

And you know I only yell at you because I love you!

r87 WOW. Okay. Are you serious? At least the only train I take is Amtrak and the only coke I use is Coca-cola -- DIET, of course!

I'd love to hang out, R92, but I just had another major overhaul. Go back and make Jan Janjansen his dinner.

Am I pretty yet, Steve?

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Shannon decides to redecorate David and Lesley’s love nest using spray paint and a Chevy Suburban.

Keep eating, Shannon! Keep eating!

How THE CUNT did Liza Minelli get involved with all this shit?

Dr Moon? Shannon?

Why is Liza on here?

Becaushe John Jansshen is shexy and shmart, r99

And my biggesht shtraight fan!

Shannon! I hope you visit -- sans Jan Janjansen!

Shannon Shtorms better look out - I'm gonna show John Jansshen what a real shexy woman looksh like!

Also r83 her ex David is very hot - if daddies with crazy eyes are your thing

Word on the street, R99, is that John Janssen stalked Liza for years. Then Liza decided to stalk him back. Now they stalk each other, and Shannon is caught in the middle. She complains about it all the time, but we all know she secretly loves the drama.

Are you SERIOUS, R101! WOW! Wow. Just WOW. This is like a power saw to my gut, Vicki! How could you move to Mexico and not TELL ME!? You've deserted me in a time of great crisis! Who am I gonna call when things get rough now? You are the WORST best friend a girl could have! I'll remember this, Vicki Gunvalson!

Hey kids, guess what? You're beloved Aunt Vicki abandoned us and moved to Mexico with Steve, and she told me it was ALL because of you little brats! So THANKS!

Wow, r104. Are you serious Miss 30-Year-Old? Liza Minnelli is the only stalker in this sordid "love triangle". She MADE John Janssen buy a closet full of Liza memorabilia, which includes the lovely white gown she wore to the Cabaret premiere. (He bought it at action for only 45K -- what a steal!) He has all her albums, autographed, as well as all her 1980s/1990s TV appearances -- on VHS. When people talk about John being in a closet, I just assume they mean the Liza closet.

But she made him do all that!!! (If I learned one thing from David, it's that a woman is always to blame for a man's bad, annoying, or abusive behavior.)

Who's the stalker now!!

So that WAS John dressed up as Liza Minelli at that satanic drag brunch you all forced me to go to! I thought he looked familiar.

Wow! WOW! R102, you promised me you'd stay away from Liza! I cannot believe you, John! That's IT! I am throwing out EVERYTHING in your Liza Closet! EVERYTHING!

After you make me lunch, right, r108?

At least Liza makes me feel like a real man!!

Of course, R109. I'd never let the man I love go hungry! Enjoy!

r110 are you trying to give me a fucking heart attack!! Just because you're fat doesn't mean the rest of have to be.

Try again!!!

Are you kidding me, R111? All of a sudden you don't like my famous Shannon Storms Jello Salad? What a BETRAYAL, John!

That jello shalad looksh delishush, Shannon Shtorms! I wanna rub it all over John Jansshen's naked, hairlessh body and eat every lasht bit! Yum!

Wow, r113. Okay. Are you kidding me? At least when I go on QVC to hawk my shitty -- I mean, DELICIOUS food line, I am semi-coherent!!

LOOK AT THAT FUKISHIMA FISH SLOP!

You are a bitchpig.

AND a slutpig.

And a very disloyal friend dropping Victoria and Tamara when their contracts weren't renewed.

Choke on a fishcake, Shannon!

WOW! Holy COW! You keep your crazy mouth SHUT, R115, or I'll convince your sisters to FINALLY commit you to a mental hospital! And NOT the fun kind where you get to sit around gardens coloring in coloring books, DOPED UP all day! That's where nice women like ME get to go! No, looneys like YOU go to places where they keep women in CAGES, where they SHOCK BRAINS until they're jelly! DON'T make me call Kathy and Kyle, KIM, you know they're just ITCHING to get you locked away someplace so you're no longer an IMMENSE BURDEN.

How many times have you been 5150'd, r116? I can never remember.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Are you KIDDING ME, R117? How DARE you imply that I am mentally UNWELL! I have never EVER EVER set foot inside a mental hospital in MY LIFE! Besides, John Janssen gives me all the mental help I need! He's the best therapist a girl could ask for, unlike your MONSTER of a son, you fat Russian APE! John is always around to correct my behavior, with love taps and pinches! When I needed correction from David, he's just shake his head, and go out to FUCK WHORES on BEACHES! Great job raising David! GREAT JOB!

Shannon, you should take a hint from my wildly shuccesshful HSN appearancsh. Maybe your shitty "mealsh" would shell better.

And John Jansshen thinksh about thish video when he makesh love to you.

Aysh Esh En

I love the fact that on DL, John Janssen will be forever associated with Liza Minnelli.

John, with your kids and my kids growing up so fast, I feel like I still have SO much mothering instinct left inside of me, and it's all just going to waste.

Let's you and me have a baby of our own! No, let's have TWINS! I'll call the fertility doctor. Oh, and I'll stop in to see Dr. Moon too. He'll have plenty of fertility potions for me!

I'm SO EXCITED!

John Janssen after reading r123

Wait a couple of years Shannon and Medicare will pay for that homo’s baby

John? JOHN? Where'd you go, John!?

Oh my GOD! John is missing!

Calling 911, are we Shannon r126?

Are we getting beaten again?

Who is this whore and why are there 9000000000 threads about her?

Beaten? BEATEN!? Are you serious, R127? John Janssen has NEVER beaten me! EVER! Why would you put that out into the universe? Don't you know I have KIDS? What will they think if they hear that I'm dating a man who BEATS ME!? You should be more concerned with your upcoming wedding to Steve Lodge!

I am NOT a whore, R128. And you're obviously not UP on your current events! I am a VERY famous woman, an inspiration to millions of women! Get a CLUE!

Wow, [R128]. Okay. Are you kidding me right now? I AM FAMOUS.

Maybe you know me because I am the girlfriend of JOHN JANSSEN, the sexiest, handsomest, kindest, most Christian boyfriend on the PLANET. He also has STRONG FAMILY VALUES (he believes in traditional gender roles!) and he is only very low key abusive -- and only when I deserve it!!

Or maybe you know me from my BESTSELLING and DELICIOUS QVC line of healthy food. It's perfect for busy, on-the-go businesswomen LIKE ME!

Or maybe you know me from my homely but VERY TALENTED and TOTALLY DRUG-FREE (I test them weekly!) daughters! They have their own band and will one day surpass both The Beatles and Led Zeppelin in record sales!

Or maybe you know me by the marginally-talented Liza Minnelli, who is the current object of John Janssen's fixation -- but we're working on that.

9 BILLION threads all about ME! I must be doing something right!

John split Shannon. He wants to be with a REAL WOMAN, someone who will prove to EVERYONE he’s not a fag . And I have the tits to do it and a rejuvenated vagina that’s tighter than a teen cheerleader who’s only done anal!

Jeans, you STAY away from my MAN, R132! I'm the FAMOUS one, NOT you! My family is 100 times more interesting than watching you slowly die inside because of your ape husband and your gorilla children!

Who's thish Jeansh woman? Ish she after my John Jansshen? Do I have to shlash her tiresh?

She’s coming undone again, Terry. Get the tranquilizer gun and put it in the Range Rover with the camera crew, we are heading to Shannon’s.

Jeana’s fat fingers messed up Liza and Fat Shannon. It’s JEANA not JEANS

I get no respect! NO RESPECT!

Are you kidding me, R136? Jeans Keough's fat fingers have NEVER even been near me! I've NEVER been messed up by Jeans!

Shannon, you need to stop gaining weight or John Janssen isn't going to want to hit it anymore.

You've gained four pounds? Wow. WOW.

SHANNON! You are a fucking UGLY BITCH!!!

Jeana's "ape" husband passed away a month or so ago! How dare you. How DARE you.

There is NO LOW too low that you will stoop to.

OOPS! I didn't even know that, R140! Do you think I have time to keep track of who's died and who's still alive? I have a health foods EMPIRE to run, daughters to raise, and, most importantly, a great man to keep happy! I have a FULL life!

If you’re so full fat Shannon why did you keep running over to the craft services table at the last reunion. Maybe they should put the donuts and Ho Hos next to the goddamn couch next time.

I may eat a Ho Ho when I'm stressed out, but at least I've never been called a HO HO, you WHORE! SLUT! MEXICAN!

Are you kidding me, R139? I am going to SUE you for $500,000 for every pound I've gained since signing up for your STUPID gym! And that's a TON of money! A TON!

And I need for Dr. Moon to intervene here. This fat boar with her newly installed pig lips/facelift needs an intervention. Eastern Medicine style.

Hey Shannon, Guess what all the ladies say when John Janssen is BALLS deep in their no-no's (seong-gi's) and are about to NUT??

"Are you in YET!!????

You always did enjoy the pencil dicks!!!!!

r145 Shannon! You hold still! I need check toxin in blood. Too many toxin, too many problem. John Janssen lose interest in your toxic seong-gi. Toxic seong-gi make him turn to transsexual superstar Liza Minell.

Then you call forty time day complain. Stop call! Stop call! Very annoy. I charge extra. You pay thirty dollar for every call! Every time! Thirty dollar!

Leave Shannon alone Kim Richards. She’s distraught because Costco discontinued sheet cakes.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Wow, r148. Okay. Are you kidding me? My assistant would never be so déclassé as to shop at Costco.

Unlike Midwestern r149

Greetings from sunny Puerta Vallarta, Shannon! You come visit us any time you like! And don't worry about all the Mexicans. Steve Ladge always carries his pistol and makes sure none of them get within 12 feet of me. What a guy!

I like when Vicki types phonetically in the way she speaks in real life. With that atrocious midwestern accent.

Wow, r151. Okay. John and I got in a fight last night and I called you 47 times but never stayed on the line long enough to see if you answered because I got scared and hung up! (I didn't want John to get mad I called you.) But you only called back 46 times!!! And I was too scared to answer but WHAT KIND OF FRIEND DOESN'T CALL BACK 47 TIMES???

I'm DONE WITH YOU!

What accent, R152? I don't have an accent. I sound jest like everybady else. Steve Ladge levs the sound of my voice.

This place used to be paradise on earth! Then those cunts showed up and instantly knocked six figures off the value of every property.

I'm spending all weekend with JOHN JANSSEN.

Liza's not invited!!

Jealous, bitches?

Does Shannon ever drug test John Janssen? He's got to be on something to put up with her.

Wow, r157. Okay. Are you serious right now? John Janssen has strong family values!!! He would never do drugs!! He only drinks a pint of tequila a day!

He says he puts up with my by getting on his knees ... a lot. And praying, I assume!

Yeah, R158, John loves kneeling down and praying with my dick in his mouth. He doesn't stop praying until I shoot a load down his throat.

My boy's such a good Christian! And sexy too!

stupid fat bitch

Wow, r161. Okay. Are you serious? That's no way to talk to your mother, even if she does drug test you, and you are homely!!

Shannon, when are you throwing your next Bunko party? You haven't had one since the last one that killed Vicki's mom!

Shannon, why am I still waiting for dinner?! You DON'T want to see me mad!!

Here, R164, I made you one of my favorite Real for Real Cuisine QVC dinners.

r165 Shannon, you better hope there is a closet in your immediate vicinity, if you catch my drift.

Dr. Moon-

What do you really think of Shannon?

Can she ever be cured of her severe mental illness?

And tell us, what does this pig smell like? Stale vodka? Old lady smell? What!?

What's the matter, R165? Don't you like it? I spent months perfecting this dish.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

r167 good question! All good question! In Korean, we call women like Mrs. Beador "keun seong-gi". No translation! It mean married woman who go crazy. Annoy husband all time. Nag children all time. Drink too much podoju. Cry every day. Never clean. Never obey husband. Cook bad food like r165.

Keun seong-gi woman have too many toxin. Not enough visit to kindly doctor to perform gold leaf colonic.

Tell Shannon come back! I give gold leaf colonic discount! Only $3,000 dollar! You pay upfront! You cure of evil keun seong-gi!!

Also I think Shannon sucker!!!

....

Put the phone DOWN.

Thank you Dr. Moon! Your quick response is appreciated.

She is a shameful woman. And she definitely is a keun seong-gi! Dirty woman.

Her twisted and loose seong-gi (I hear) looks like that big pink flappity tunnel from hell at the end of the film Poltergeist. (You will need to see the film)

But THAT is Shannon's seong-gi!

And feel bad for her pencil dicked lothario- Its like throwing a sewing needle down a hallway.

Shit.

All of my blessings Dr. Moon! And I hope that deadbeat Shannon pays you all of your late invoices.

I NO PAY! I NO PAY! I NO PAY!

r173 you see Shannon, you tell Shannon Pay! Pay now!! Dr. Moon no wait longer!!

Don't you mock Dr. Moon, you BITCH! After all be has done for you?

Despicable sow.

You have my word, Dr. Moon!!!

r176 WOW, John. Are you kidding me? Isn't it enough for you to yell at me offline? Why do you need to follow me online when I'm trying to pass time while hiding from you in the closet?!

Shannon, your lopsided tits, saggy belly, and fucked up face are bad feng shui! I suggest you stick four lemons up your ass, three in your vagina, and two in your mouth.

Wow, r179. Okay. Are you serious? Has David been sharing things with you about our former sex life?!

Oh, and also hang a crystal orb on a sort length fishing line tied to your clitoris, R180. Then the energy should flow better.

I'll tie the fishing line around your clit, Shannon. With my tongue.

Maybe John Jansshen can recommend a good feng shui advishor for me

Soon, R163! Now that Vicki's moved to Mexico, we can all have as many BUNKO parties as we'd like without having to worry about upsetting the world's oldest orphan!

BUNKO!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, R179 R181!

I shoved just ONE lemon UP my ass, and it BURST! Have you ever had lemon juice in your ass! It burns! It BURNS!

Damn it r185! If happen in office, I charge Shannon $900 dollar for lemon enema!!

*adding "lemon enema" to list of "treatments"

You should never fool around vith ze lemons, Shannon. You could get ze lyme!

Shannon, we're placing you in a 5150 hold. No sane person shoves lemons up their butt.

r189 THANK GOD!

Is this the end of Shannon "Storms" Beador? Will she ever escape the nut house? Will she ever get John Janssen back? Will she ever get to throw another Bunko party?

Tune in tomorrow to "Sudden Storms" to find out.

What the hell are you doing in here Fat Shannon. I hope to fuck they don’t make you my roommate.

Every day I take a handful of Xshanaxsh and shettle into my mosht comfortable chair to watch Shudden Shtorms: Living, Loving, & Loshing Your Mind in Orange County. John Jansshen hash been a friend and fan shince the 1980s! I don't like thish Shannon Shtorms character, but I shuppose I musht shacrificshe shomething in order to shee my Prinsh Charming!

Because Season 15 hasn't aired yet, we have a limited amount of John Janssen material to make fun of, but this is pretty good:

In his FB Live video with Shannon, a fan asks if they've watched Tiger King. Shannon seems to have liked it, but John Janssen quickly jumps in: he has very strong feelings about the series, calling it a waste of time, saying he felt robbed, and proclaiming it didn't feature a single decent human being.

Says the closeted famewhore dating an alcoholic, emotionally unstable reality TV "star" for exposure and doing a lengthy FB Live video with her for their "fans" ...

'Sudden Storms' is paid for in part by the makers of "Fat-B-Gone Slimming Machines," melting inches off your gut, ass, and thighs since 1998. Get one for your at-home weight-loss center today, you fat slob.

Can I purchashe it on the QVShe, r195?

The shocking before/after shot r195 doeshn't want you to shee!

Oh dear. How strong of a tranquilizer did they use on Shannon. Or did that beady eyed homosexual finally do her in.

Wow, r198. Okay. Are you kidding me? JOHN JANSSEN would never let me be tranquilized!! He knows if I am scared I get under control immediately!! And he is totally HETEROsexual!!!! Like a good Christian man, with strong family values, always on his knees.

But every good (straight) man needs a vice, and John Janssen's vice is Liza Minnelli.

Shannon, What DOES a pencil dick feel like?

Shannon, Why did you never respond to the family who's digestive system was destroyed by your QVC slop?

I think they have intestines now hanging OUTSIDE of their bodies??

I need to go watch that Quiet Woman episode before I head out!

My god, you are a living embodiment of horror and terror- In the form of a deformed goblet/hoglet!!!

r201 no worry! Send family Dr. Moon. I fix intestine. They need Magical Oolong Enema®. Magical Oolong Enema® cure everything! Fix intestine. Tighten loose seong-gi. Moisten dry seong-gi. Every problem fix!!

Only $3,400 per session! Pay in advance!

Hey R192. Psst. Kim. PSST, Kim Richards, wake UP. Are you awake? Yes? Good.

I know plenty of doctors in Orange County who'll write me a prescription for anything just to get me out of their office. If you help me out of this strait-jacket, and help me escape this nuthouse, I promise I'll get you a lifetime supply of whatever prescription drug you want. I PROMISE. I don't belong in here! YOU don't belong in here! We celebrities have to stick together. So let's break out of this hellhole TONIGHT.

What do you think?

Terry, did you hear what happened to Shannon? She shoved a lemon up her butt and got locked away in a mental hospital. Can you BELIEVE!?

YES! Mom is locked up! FINALLY! No more drug tests for us! Let's PARTY!

Are you KIDDING ME, R197? WOW! That was a prosthetic fat-suit the producers forced me to wear! I just needed a storyline! I was NEVER, EVER, EVER fat!, I SWEAR! Wow, just WOW!

I want the following Fat Shannon:

1.) Tylenol with Codeine 2.) OxyContin 3.) Valium 4.) Xanax 5.) Klonopin 6.) Milltown (Big Kim used it, it reminds me of mom) 7.) Fentanyl 8.) liquid morphine 9.) Vicodin 10.) Percocet

I want each of these in regular and extended release. Please pack them in a Kyle by Alene Too bag with a large bottle of Casa Amigos, and have them waiting in the minivan outside the gates being driven by Dr Moon, and you gotta deal.

Sheesh, R207. That's a tall order. Wow, Kim, wow. But I think I'll be able to swing it. Yup. Thanks Kim!

WOW. Okay. Are you kidding me? John Janssen immediately regretted 5150-ing me and picked me up immediately. After yelling at me for my generally embarrassing behavior -- I promised to try harder! -- we swung by Dr. Moon's for one of his Magical Oolong Enemas®. Then John took me home and told me I need to cut this fucking borderline shit out STAT or else he'll make David look like Mr. Rogers!!

In other words, things are right as rain in the stormy world of Shannon Beador!!

Shannon escaping the asylum, leaving Kim Richards behind:

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING PILLS FAT ASS! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I AM GOING FUCK YOU UP , YOU SLUT PIG

Do I know you, R211? I don't think we've ever met.

From the bottom of my heart. I have fallen in love with Dr. Moon. His hustle. His charm. I love him as much as DL Shannon.

(And if I might momentarily break the illusion, I suspect that Shannon and Dr. Moon are the same poster)

And clearly, I am beholden to both and need to take this bitch on as my soulmate, lover, and friend.

There is one other DL'er I am in love with, in my mind. And he knows who he is. But Shannon/Dr. Moon, are my side bitch now.

Shannon, sho glad you got out of that nuthoushe. Shorry to shay, John Jansshen hash moved in with me. He'sh all mine, and he'll NEVER be yoursh!

R213, I've done some digging and I've got the inside scoop. No one poster is "playing" any one particular character. They're all pretty much hopping in and out of various roles willy nilly.

Wow, r215. Okay. Are you kidding me Ms. 30-Year-Old? If there is one thing I have going for me, it's my impeccably stable sense of self (and posting identities!!)

I JUST don't understand the Liza shit in this. But I still enjoy it.

Dear, dear, Detective Megan. Thank you.

I have yet to try to imitate Shannon, because I CANNOT do her justice. I prefer abusing her through the cushion of semi/anonymity

I am actually very surprised that multiple DL'ers can imitate her so brilliantly.

These threads have made me laugh. Its nice.

Fuck you Shannon!!!!

I love you Dr. Moon!! You are a hustler who wants his coins!!! I have lost 40K in coins due to Corona, so I dig you!!! Get your bag, bitch!

r213 you very kind! Very kind!

I give discount for gold leaf enema. Usually $3000 dollar. For you only $2995 dollar. Deep discount! Feel better! Save money!

But must pay in advance!! No stiff! No stiff! You stiff I no more discount. I no discount long time!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

r217 I inadvertently started the Liza shit because I thought "Shannon Shtorms Beador" sounded funny. And then another poster picked it up and it became a thing.

But it cracks me up now -- esp. since we've established John Janssen is closeted, and he's a big fan of Liza. It all fits in the most wonderfully hilarious way

LIZA! Give that Shannon lady back her man! What would Mama say about all this!? He's obsessed with you because of your TALENT, Liza, not because of your BODY! And there's no telling what that Shannon lady will do to you if you don't let him go! Liza, I'm begging you. Let him go! Let him go for MAMA!

I’m rewatching season 10 right now, and this is peak Shannon:

1.) David stuffing his face with empanadas while she bitches about being fat. 2.) complaining about having only “50 negative thoughts per day” 3.) calling Meghan “Little Miss 30 year old” 4.) the first appearance of that awful personal trainer

She truly is perfect for reality tv because she is clueless about what a monster she is

Were you molested too, Lorna r221?

Yes, R223! It was FUN!

R222 Just gave me life. I HAVE To get going- What episode has the empanadas!!!!

WOW, r222. Okay. Are you SERIOUS? 1) David was gas lighting me you fucking bitch!! 2) 50 negative thoughts a day is a personal low for me!! It's usually over 500 ... typically dependent on JOHN JANSSEN'S mood 3) Did you not see David try to mount Little Miss 30-Year-Old at Heather's hoedown?? Of course I hated that bitch!! 4) Dr. Tim is a WONDERFUL personal trainer!!! He is NOT a quack!

John Janssen and I watch all the old episodes together and he points out all the things I did that were embarrassing. He is a wonderful man and he's helping me to become a wonderful woman (or at least less of a fucking psycho bitch -- his words!!)

It’s episode 17, r225, when they’re all figuring out that Brooks is a liar .

Shannon is a SOW. The worst human being god ever created next to HItler, Saddam, and Jussie Smollett.

Wow, r228. Okay. Don't you have some underpaid Walmart employee to harass, Lesley?

I'm watching that episode now r227. Damn it, David is so fucking hot in this scene lol

FUCK YOU bitch. I have seen loaded diapers more attractive than you, you CUNT. Shannon.

Also, John Janssen is such a fame whore -- surely he wouldn't mind being known publicly as Liza Minnelli's #1 fan!!

Omg now I’m gonna watching the episode with Tamra’s baptism in a community pool.

Before she got ready to go to the baptism, Shannon decided to do an at home colonic she bought from got from Dr Moon stuck up her ass.

Dr Moon won’t answer her calls and she’s wailing about this peace of plastic stuck up her ass while David ignites her and admires his new jacket I’m a mirror. LOL

Correction-I didn’t edit it properly.

I meant to type “Shannon decided to do an at home colonic she bought from Dr Moon, and got a piece of plastic from the colonic stuck up her ass.”

Jesus-and this should have read “ Dr Moon won’t answer her calls and she’s wailing about this PIECE of plastic stuck up her ass while David IGNORES her and admires his new jacket in a mirror. “

That because Shannon call all time r233! I ignore call! Too much call!! In Korean we call woman like Shannon "gamagwi". Gamahwi bad omen! Must ignore! Gamahwi ruin day!! Gamahwi ruin life!!

And Shannon never pay at-home colonic system. Check bounce like ping pong ball! Plastic in her rear? SHE in arrear!! Now I make her pay everything upfront.

r233 damn straight I was admiring myself in the mirror. I'm fucking hot, and I had a kinky threesome lined up after the baptism.

What the camera DIDN'T show was me planting the idea about the plastic inside Shannon's head. I knew she would freak out on camera. Crazy bitch made it so easy! I fucked with her head for nearly 20 years!!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Shit. Liza WANTS that John Janssen dick! She must have one TIGHT vagine. He has a notorious NEEDLEDICK, LIZHSA!!!!!!!!

Are you KIDDING me? Wow! Wow! John Janssen's dick is no needle, R239! It's a MIGHTY oak tree! And I climb it whenever he tells me to!

BULLSHIT Shannon! You know that that KING SIZED DILDO, VIBRATOR, and PENIS EXTENDER IS YOUR ONLY SAVING GRACE. You are PORKY PIGS TWIN, BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, R241, WOW! That was like a croquet mallet to the small of my back! John Janssen doesn't need any accessories on his penis! If anything, he tells me my vaginal cavity is TOO SMALL!

Oh my god Shannon, I took his NEEDLE DICK last night!!!!

I am all "Are you even in YET?"

And he's in his afterglow!!!

BITCH, your puss be like the size of a NEEDLENUB!

You are a pig, lady. Just throw yourself in the Pacific.

Are you KIDDING ME? I've sped my car off a cliff into the Pacific before, R243! And I lived. I LIVED! It was GOD'S PLAN for me to survive my suicide attempt so that I could take care of the wonderful and loving John Janssen!

Now you keep your dirty pussy AWAY from my man or there'll be HELL to PAY!

Jesus Christ. Shannon is a CUNT.

Yes, I am a CUNT, R245!

Caring!

Unselfish!

Nice!

Tries to please!

HA! Joke's on you!

Shannan! Happy Independence Day! Me and Steve Ladge are WHOOPIN IT UP down here in Puerta Vallarta! How are things going back in the OC? Steve says armies of riaters are taking over and killing cops left and right! Are you and your kids safe? Tell them their Aunt Vicki and Uncle Steve say HI.

Oh, Steve Ladge told me to tell you to buy plenty of guns and ammo.

Thish nexsht shong goesh out to my beloved John Jansshen.

John Janssen took me boating for the holiday! At first I thought this was a ploy to push me overboard, collect on the insurance money, and sail off into the sunset with marginally talented Liza Minnelli. And what's worse: there were NO closets on the boat!!

How could I have been so foolish to think JOHN JANSSEN (#1 boyfriend!!) would ever cause me harm?!! After yelling at me for failing to pack his Clé de Peau Beauté sunscreen/moisturizer, threatening to leave me if I ever ask about his ex-wife again, saying he'll tell the world I'm a frigid bitch unless I give into his rather unusual bedroom requests, and telling me David had the patience of Job for not putting me in the ER more than five times ... we had a lovely sunset cruise during which he reminded me how lucky I am to have him in my life!!!

Shannon, how did that boat not sink the moment your fat ass got on board?

Wow, r250. Okay. Are you serious? John Janssen doesn't let me out of the house in his presence unless I weigh under 135 lbs!! He says I am an embarrassment to him when I weigh more. I know if the scale ever hits 145 lbs then he will leave me forever!!

I am not desperate but the thought of losing John Janssen is like a scalpel directly puncturing my damaged lung!! As a result I resort to any means available to keep my weight under 135 lbs, including doing multiple at-home colonics!

How many tape worms do you have living in your stomach, Shannon?

No tapeworm in stomach r252! Shannon know better. Only use chonchung. Chonchung balance the jeung-gi. Make Shannon less crazy, more quiet. She need to shut mouth, listen!! Listen to boyfriend, like good Korean girlfriend would. No argue!! No talk back!! Chonchung make Shannon obey!

Chonchung only $750 dollar! Almost like free!!

Tell Shannon she owe money for last chonchung treatment!! She pay! She pay NOW!!!

I did try to swallow a tapeworm once, Dr. Moon, right after David and I got married. But no one told me that you're not supposed to chew it!

75 missed cawlses from friggin Shannon Beadors? Why's she callin' me? I don't even really knows dis girl. Guess I betta cawl her backs, I heard John Jammin likes to beat up on her.

MILANIA! Stop beatin' up on your friggin sisters! Mommy's makin' a phone cawl!

Shtop it right there r255. I'm the only shexy quashi-Italian woman in John Jansshen'sh life!!

Jesus- Dr. Moon gives me life. Love this guy. Fucking Liza is starting to work for me (The hilarious pictures really do help) And now Theresa and all her ingrediences have joined in?

I’d love to see Taylor and Brandi come onto Orange County. They both need the money. And A Brandi/Shannon feud would be epic, especially if Brandi and Kelly teamed up as frenemies.

Thanksh, r257, you're sho kind!

If you shee John Jansshen tell him I'm cooking a sheven courshe meal for him tonight -- no QVShe shitty inshtant dinnersh are allowed in my kitchen!!

Rocco! I used to think he was SO hot! What the fuck! I have to google him. I haven't heard anything about him in nearly 10 years!

Thanks Lizsha!!!!!

Wow. Okay. Are you SERIOUS r259 Liza? First off John Janssen LOVES my QVC GOURMET CUISINE!! In fact, he loves it so much that he tells me he only wants it on special occasions so it doesn't become old hat to him! Once, maybe twice a year is more than enough QVC Real for Real for Mr. John Janssen!!

I make John Janssen happy every day!!!

Look at Shannon's body language in that clip.

Not only can you see that she has a giant Fupa, but her eyes signal DECEIT AND LIES.

"Oh no, this fish wasn't from the water near Fukishama! This is organic free range fish!"

Lies and poisonous fish.

Families destroyed. Medical bills mounting.

When John Johansen mounts YOU Shannon, he must feel like he is riding an overweight wild hog!

Dr. Tim has an Instagram and I am totally skeeved out by it. This guy strikes me as a major creep

Who are those homely bitches with Dr Tim? It looks like a pig pen petting zoo at a Town Fair !

Dr Tim has those little miniature extra white chicklet veneers that bother me as much as the oversized veneers!

Wow, 262. Okay. Are you serious right now? I AM NOT A LIAR!!! MY HUSBAND NEVER BEAT ME! And I NEVER TOLD VICKI ABOUT THE TIME MY HUSBAND BEAT ME!!!

r265 is for r262.

I was so freakin' LIVID when I posted I forgot the r!!!

Your post was like a crowbar to the skull!!!

Too bad it wasn’t a real fucking crowbar you LARD ASS

Wow, r267. Okay. Are you KIDDING ME? I have to receive WEEKLY acupuncture in my skull because you assaulted me with a mallet!!

John Janssen says we should take you to court because your assault turned me into an insufferable psycho mess. His words!!!

Shannon, WOW. I just saw your pictures with John Janssen and ... WOW. Wow. Wow. Okay. Wow. Is he hitting THAT?

See what happens when you stop working out with me?

Go ahead, R268, and try to SUE ME! I have ALL the BEST lawyers on speed dial from all the times I've hit, pushed, shoved, kicked, tripped, slapped, drop-kicked, whacked, punched, and pile-drived other annoying BITCHES like YOU!

BRING IT ON!

Shannon, where the fuck are you!? My glass is almost empty.

It's the only way I can get through the afternoon with you!

Wow, R271, wow. Is that all I am to you? A waitress? A cook? A maid? I worship the ground you WALK ON, and you treat me like the HELP!

Wow...okay...wow. Will all you Shannon wannabes please go back to Puerto Vallarta with Vicki and leave me alone?

r272 Shannon, as soon as you start doing what I tell you without giving me an attitude, I will treat you with all the respect you want!

Shannon have many personalities! Each personality different demon! In Japanese called chimimōryō! (No Korean translation!) Serious condition! I learn long ago from former master. Shannon only patient I ever see with chimimōryō! Very rare! Very serious! Must treat now!

Only respond special cupping. Must have twelve session! One session, one demon. Twelve demons, twelve sessions! All demons flushed out with cupping! Inside each cup I place one small ruby and one camoati bug. Expel toxin! Expel demon.

Only $1,850 dollar a session. Cheap! Pay in advance!

Must act fast, Shannon. You sick. Very serious! Act now!!

Dr. Moon, do you have something that will sedate her 23 hours a day?

Wow, "Fun Shannon" R273! Wow! Are you kidding me? How DARE you tell me what to do! I AM the driver of this body right now, NOT you, Miss Fun Fun Fun!

Yes, R274 my love, my light, my LIFE! I'm sorry I got disrespectful. I really need to learn my place. Thank God you're here to teach me! I'll get your drink right away.

That's more like it, dear r278. Don't you see if you do what I ask I'd never have to get angry and raise my voice? You make me act that way.

Now be a doll and put on my Cabaret vinyl.

Wow. WOw. OK, listen carefully, R269. I am NEVER, EVER, EVER setting foot in your stupid little gym ever again. You USED me to promote YOUR business and humiliated ME by making me STRIP in front of you. I've never stripped for ANYONE, ever! Not John Janssen, not David, not even my abusive boyfriend Pierre in high school! But YOU manipulated me into letting all my fat spill out ALL OVER your gym. And you took pictures! PICTURES! WOW! Just WOW! I am DONE with you, you creep! Done! DOne! DONE!

Of course I didn't make you strip, r280! It's kinkier when I rip the clothes off myself!

But the hookers gave me MUCH less of an attitude about it.

Everything you say to me, R281, is like a chainsaw dropped from a balcony straight onto the top of my head! What did I EVER do to you to make you treat me this way? I am a SAINT, god damn it!

[bold]SHERIOUSH CONDITIONSH[/bold]

r282 Shannon! I will be fucking with you the rest of your life!!!

By the way, our homely daughters call Lesley MOM now!

Wow...okay,...wow THESE ARE NOT EVEN MY PERSONALITIES YOU FUCKING BITCH

Shannan! It's your best friend Vicki and her fiancee Steve Ladge! Come down to Puerta Vallarta and WHOOP IT UP with us! I haven't heard from you in weeks! Is everything OK? How's Jan Janjansen treating you? Better, I hope. Anyway, I'm learning how to speak a little Mexican now. I've learned how to say "Leave me alone, I'm a white American woman and my fiancee has a gun!" and "Where the hell's my drink, Jose?" and "I don't care what the sign says, I'm parking my car here!" Speaking Mexican makes things so much easier for me! Come to Mexico, Shannan! WOO-HOOOOO!

I am currently having 86,400 negative thoughts a day! I hope you're ALL HAPPY!

Are you still not having sex with multiple partners?

I have never had multiple partners IN MY LIFE! YOU ARE A PIECE OF TRAAAASH, R288!

Cuffs, anyone?

Wow. Okay. Are you serious? Vicki? Lynne? Lauri? David? LIZA? Why are you on my thread?

Sudden Storms is about SHANNON "STORMS" BEADOR and JOHN JANSSEN (#1 boyfriend!)

Stop being such a control freak, R291. That's my job!

Wow, r292. Okay. Are you kidding me right now? You kicked me out of your house! Well, I'm kicking you out of my thread you fucking bitch!

We're done. Please leave.

But call tomorrow and don't be mad at me!! I'm sorry! Never mind! You can stay!!

Um, excuse me, R292, that's MY job.

Fine, R293. We're done. I'm sure one of my many, many, many fans will start a thread all about ME soon enough.

Please don't leave, r295!! I'm sorry I made you mad! I'm trying harder, but John Janssen says I'll never learn to do anything right. I'm sorry! Please stay friends with me!

I don't have fat friends, R296.

Wow, r297. Okay. Are you serious? Only John Janssen can make disparaging comments abut my weight (which is FINE!).

I'm DONE with you!

Shannon, you should compete in a fitness competition with me! You'll lose weight, you'll look great, and It'll really help with your extremely low self-esteem.

Wow, r299. Okay. Are you kidding me? You've been gaslighting me for years, bitch!!

Plus I have John Janssen for all my low self esteem needs. Whenever I have one of my daily 32,000 negative thoughts -- "Shannon, you're crazy!" "Shannon, you're pathetic!" "Shannon, you're so fucking ugly!" (basically, I hear them all in David's squeaky, annoying voice), I tell John about it. He either ignores me, confirms the negative thought, or tells me if I don't stop bothering him with all my negativity, he is going to leave me!

But no matter what his response, it works, because the old negative thought is quickly replaced with a new, worse negative thought!

Shannon! Coto Insurance is cancelling all your pal-a-cees! And I am cancelling YOU!

Are you kidding me, R301? What did I do to deserve that? I've always been the best friend a person could be to you. Wow! I can't even fathom what goes on in your brain, Vicki Gunvalson! I just CANNOT! My kids call you AUNT VICKI for crying out loud! What am I going to tell them?

You're a heartless CON-WOMAN and I hope you get Montezuma's revenge and shit all of your organs out, you BITCH!

Sudden Storms is brought to you in part by Coto Insurance. We at Coto believe in straight talk, good old-fashioned common sense, hard work, and complete transparency. From Life Insurance to Retirement Planning, Coto's got you covered, as long as you're not Shannon Beador.

Wow, r303. Okay. Are you kidding me? John Janssen is a VERY SUCCESSFUL insurance salesman, bitch! That's why our union works so well! We both know the HEAVY DEMANDS involved with running a wildly profitable business.

In fact, John frequently goes "to the office" for the entire weekend. He even spends the night there. He works so hard!! I don't know what is so urgent that he needs to attend to it Saturday and Sunday. I know my place and don't ask questions. But Mr. Janssen is always in a very good mood when he finally gets home, so I just relish the time he's not angry!!

Did shomeone shay shuccessful bushinesshwoman?

I get the sense that of the homely daughters, the oldest will struggle the most. She probably has borne the brunt of Shannon's craziness and alcoholism, and perhaps also tried to shield her younger sisters from David's abusiveness. She seems to be struggling with her weight already and using religion as a crutch.

WOW, r306. That's like a jackhammer to the top of the head!

r268 Wow...okay...wow...THAT IS NOT EVEN HOW YOU SPELL MY NAME YOU FUCKING BITCH

Shannan, are you drunk again? R308, I always pranounce most of my O's like I've just seen a rat scurry across the floor.

Steve LAH!ge

ShannAH!n

gAH!d dammit

fat slAH!b

Sorry I didn't take elaqutian lessans when I was a little girl, like you! I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I had to work work work for my money.

Wow, R308. Okay. Are you serious right now? John Janssen is mad at me for disclosing his "weekends at the office" at r304, and FUN SHANNON is nowhere to be found!

John Janssen's office is in the same building as Doug Mclaughlin's office, and right across the street from Cut Fitness, where Eddie spends all his time. And Shane Keough works 5 minutes away from all of them. Something fishy's going on, R310.

Wow, r311. Okay. Are you kidding me Little Miss Thirty-Oear-old?

Don't tell me: you are about to accuse them all of meeting to discuss the middling talent of Liza Minnelli and listen to her "music." Guess again!

Have you ever stopped to think maybe they are so close together so they can PRAY together during their lunch hours? John Janssen is a good Christian man!!!

Well, you're partly right, R312.

After we're all done snorting mountains of coke, doing poppers like they're going out of style, sucking, fucking, and cumming all over each other's faces, we all pray to God that our wives and fiancees won't find out. So far God's been on our side. Our women's ability to deny the obvious has also been helpful, too.

Have a nice day, fatty.

WOW, r313. Okay. Are you serious right now? John Janssen just told me everything in your post was a fabrication!!! In fact, he is coming to see you later to set everything straight!!

He is such a wonderful man, in case you don't know. Very attentive and gentle. And he only yells when I do something to deserve it!

John's coming to see me, R314. OK, I'll get the coke and lube ready.

I'll be there too, r315. With handcuffs, riding crop, paddle, cat o' nine tails, wax, portable St. Andrew's cross, and hood.

YAAAS! R316

Wow...okay...wow. I need to call my good friend Gretchen, I just got offered a role on Malibu Country and want to see what she thinks.

Awww, R318, you're just in time to attend one of my Gretchen Christine Handbags parties! The theme is "THINK PINK!" One of my old gay friends suggested that title. He'll be here in drag!

Shannon, r318. I thought I told you to get the fuck off the computer and stop discussing my personal business. You don't listen to ANYTHING I say! I don't know why I put up with your ass. Good luck finding someone as patient as me and I eventually leave you.

Um, R318, Malibu Country got cancelled years ago. Whoever called you about that audition is probably going to kidnap and sell you to some Saudi prince with a fetish for defecating on old fat white women. I wouldn't go to that so-called audition if I were you.

Shannon, can you give us an update on John Janssen's prostate?

Shannon, go to that Malibu Cuntry audition! I hear Saudi Arabia is a wonderful country! Go! Go!

Wow, r323. Are you serious? Do you think I trust you and your THIRTY-year-old whore to take care of our homely daughters and give them a proper Christian upbringing?

Wow...okay,..wow. r321 You just can't let anyone have any success can you? THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND HEATHER FUCKING DUBROW - PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.

We're done, r325.

Please leave.

Wow. Ok. Wow! Fine! FINE, I am LEAVING, R326! But FIRST, I'm taking a giant CRAP in your foyer closet! Ha! TRY to stop me and I'll spray shit ALL OVER YOU, Heather Dubrow!

Sherial shitter r327?

Sho, John Jansshen, wouldn't you shay I'm looking more attractive than Shannon Shtorms with every passhing day?

r327 Shannon, why don't I hear you in the kitchen making lunch??

Shannon! I call right away! New treatment arrive today. I call you first! Rolled paper fire on skin. Call "baem gileum." Smoke heal toxins! Clears the body. Clears the mind. Anger vanish! Never fail. Tradition of ancient Buddhist monk! Use on quarrelsome woman. Make them calm down. Make them less bitch. John Janssen happy again! Never yell at you!

Hurry! I gave deep discount just for you! Only $1550 dollar session! Must have six session! Must pay in advance! No stiff anymore! No stiff! Dr. Moon paid in full!

Your lunch is ready, R329. I'm so sorry it took so long. I hope you like it, my love!

Ooooooh, that looks like it'll really do the trick, Dr. R330! I'll be over first thing tomorrow morning! You're my ROCK, Dr. Moon!

r332 Shannon, would you stop wasting my fucking alimony payments? It's bad enough John Janssen skims a little off the top for his high-end rent boy habit.

Wow, R333, WOW! After all the torment you've put me through, you have the nerve to question how I spend MY money? Once that money leaves your bank account and goes into mine, it is no longer YOUR money. It's MINE!

I deserve to continue living the lifestyle that I became accustomed to while we were married, David! And part of that lifestyle is my interest in all the latest crazy, crackpot, pseudo-scientific, magical cures that are marketed to rich, unhappy, bored women like me! So if I choose to spend $4,000 on snake pee injections to improve my temperament, or $5,500 for goat horn prodding to improve my memory, or $7,000 on shark egg douches to improve physical sensation in my privates, or $25,000 for multi-vitamins made from gold, it is NONE of your business.

Now go back to your Miss 30-year-old whore and stay out of my LIFE, David!

r331 try again!! You're the worst girlfriend ... you're going to catapult me right into the arms of Liza Minnelli!!

Wow, R335. Are you kidding me? That was like a cue ball to the FACE, John.

Why do you treat me like this?

r336 Shannon, relax, it's all in your head. I almost always treat you wonderfully. Remember our vacation to Fiji last fall? remember the new Van Cleef & Arpels earrings I bought you? Remember the beautiful, heartfelt, and SINCERE birthday message I wrote to you? If I were really mistreating you, would I do all those kind and thoughtful things for you?

You just ... make me angry sometimes. I can't help it. I don't mean to yell at you. I don't mean to scare you. I will work on it, if you promise to work on yourself, and work on not making me angry, okay? You know the things that set me off.

And stop blabbing about our relationship woes to Vicki. She's not a real friend. She doesn't really care about you. No one will ever love you like I do.

Somebody HELP ME! John Janssen is chasing after me with an AXE!

All I did was spray paint all over his Liza Minelli collection!

HELP ME! Somebody! ANYBODY!

I don’t know her

Wow, r339. Okay. Are you kidding me? Your words are like a suspension from the strappado!!!

In the first place, John Janssen is NOT GAY. Please look at the picture below. He is STRAIGHT, Christian, American, and full of strong family values!! And he has an embarrassing crush on Liza Minnelli. What more proof do you need? Would a gay man become a fan of a straight woman? I don't think so! John Janssen is the epitome of straight!

In the second place, do I look fat? I didn't think so! Maybe you need some of Dr. Moon's Magical Oolong Eye Drops® to clear your vision! (Only $150 for 8ml -- what a steal!!)

And finally, NOTHING HAPPENED TONIGHT!!! I overreacted, per usual! John Janssen and I spent a quiet evening at home listening to Liza'a At Carnegie Hall (1987). (John likes to reminisce -- he was there!!)

Yes, r339! You try Dr. Moon's Magical Oolong Eye Drops®. I give you discount! For everyone else $150 dollar. For you only $149 dollar. Cheap!!

Only made from best ingredient. Mix myself!! Save you money!

Dr. Moon's Magical Oolong Eye Drops® solve many problem. Clear eye, clear mind! Make you less bitch! Bring love into life! Bring wealth! Bring happiness! Bring prosperity!

Buy today!! You buy two, only $145 dollar each. Deep discount! Act now!

Sudden Storms is brought to you in part by OC ENERGY, the classiest energy drink in Orange County.

Does your daughter get into fist fights with other girls? Then she should drink OC ENERGY.

Does your daughter get DUIs and punch cops? Then she should drink OC ENERGY.

Does your daughter act like a trashy little whore? Then she should drink OC ENERGY.

OC ENERGY is the only energy drink that's proven to make your daughters think twice about smoking, drinking, taking drugs, getting tattoos, and having premarital sex.

OC ENERGY will turn your little OC tramp into a little OC Angel.

Wow..okay...wow THAT IS NOT EVEN MY FUCKING DAUGHTERS YOU FUCKING BITCH

Yes we know FUN SHANNON r343. Your homely daughters are not even close to that attractive.

R344 Wow...okay...wow Kelly Dodd. Do some more cocaine and not see your fat daughter and then criticize my kids. IT'S NOT EVEN THEIR FUCKING ROCK BAND YOU FUCKING BITCH

Keep drinking you fucking drunk r345!

Shannon, do you want to start a Christian rock band with me?

Shannon, calm down! You're hysterical and I can't understand you! You say John Janssen saw the latest bill from Dr. Moon and he's apoplectic?

Are you in a closet?

No, R348. I was carrying a can of spray paint and accidentally sprayed it all over John's Liza collection. John was apoplectic and chased me around the neighborhood with an axe! Can you believe it!?

Vat is dis apoploptic, R348 R349?

r349 Shannon, please read r337 again. Do you think I want to treat you poorly? It's the LAST thing I want to do! I love you! No one will ever love you like I love you.

Do you love me too? Because sometimes it doesn't feel like it, especially when you keep doing things to make me angry. Don't you see? You make me treat you poorly and then I feel like shit about myself.

Can you please try to treat me better? If you really loved me, you would try harder.

The ambit of your English lexicon seems quite deficient, r350 -- exiguous I dare say -- and your overall grasp of the language appears incipient. Some have accused me of possessing a sanctimonious nature, stubbornly ineradicable in its indissolubility. I attitudinize, they claim; I cudgel them with my superior intellect and erudition. But it is untrue! I am quite approachable when you get to know me.

In fact, we could have coffee once a week to work on your English so that you can return to RHOC. Together, we can obviate the need for your subtitles. Additionally, you can deliver your lines without lucubration, and I can propitiate my seemingly implacable castmates.

But not smart enough to understand comparative adjectives, r352!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Too many vords I no understand, R352...

I think skeleton lady just put Jewish curse on me?

Peggy, r355, you don't need a priest! You need the saving grace of God, who will empower you to grow your personal relationship with your lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Heather, dahling, have you been reading The Duchess of Sussex's old blog again?

Um, don't you have a rainbow to go surf, R356? Or some balls to chop off? Or some stupid magazine to launch?

Wow. Okay, r352 r353 r355 r356 r357 r358 r390. Are you kidding me? This thread is about my perfectly normal and healthy relationship with JOHN JANSSEN, #1 boyfriend, who is not controlling!!! We are so happy together that we have to plaster it all over social media to remind you all -- in case you forget!!!

Shannan! You sent me a shaky video fram inside your claset last night! Who was chapping at the door with an axe to get in? Was that Jan Janjansen? Are you still alive? Do you need Axe Murder Insurance?

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Who's this Vicki parson, and whah is she stealin' my schtick?

Shannon, shettle down! Your crazshinessh jusht makesh me more attractive to John Jansshen!

r364 Wow..okay...wow GO SHIT YOUR PANTS LIZA AND STAY AWAY FROM MY PRECIOUS JOHN YOU FUCKING BITCH

Well at leasht one of ush knowsh how to show John Jansshen a good time r365!!

I'll show John Janssen a good time!!

Wow, R367! Are you kidding me? I know you and Tamra have an understanding, but that doesn't mean that I have to be understanding of your immoral, extra-marital, homosexual shenanigans, too!

You keep your sinful homosexual penis away from the incredibly heterosexual John Janssen, Eddie Judge! My John is a -20 on the Kinsey Scale! I've had him tested!

HI DL! Just checking in! JOHN JANSSEN decided to take me away to a hotel for the night! He said he is very sorry about losing his patience with me ... continuously! He said he'll never yell at me again. I feel so loved!!!

AND I LOVE JOHN JANSSEN!!!!!!! He has even cured my borderline personality!!

And look what he brought with him!

Three giant mojitos at once, Shannon? Dayum, R369, you are such a drunk!

WOW, r370. Okay. Are you kidding me? I enjoy a cocktail during a leisurely evening with JOHN JANSSEN. It takes the edge off when he gets mad. I'm not an alcoholic, you fucking bitch!

And a least I've never had a train run me over!!!

Whatever, R371. Keep drinking! And keep EATING!

WOW, r372.

Shannan, calm down! Jan Janjansen got mad when he wanted to listen to Live at Carnegie Hall a second time before dinner and you said no? He's yelling at you? Zzzzzzzzzzz. Same old story, Shannan!

Really, I don't have time for this. Steve Lodge is roughing up a few locals who panhandled me earlier and then we're headed to dinner.

Same old story, R374!? Are you kidding me? WOW!

I am NEVER, ever, ever, EVER calling you again when I'm being yelled at, or being chased, or being beaten, or being tossed overboard in the ocean, or being thrown out of an upstairs window, or being locked in a trunk, or being buried alive by John Janssen, the love of my LIFE!

I am DONE with you, Vicki Gunvalson. Lose my number!

These bleating cows are nothing but a bunch of sloppy sad drunks. And so provincial and unaware.

It’s sad that this Shannon person , in her obvious , sad, futile attempt to find a man, ANY MAN , has left a wife beater for this screaming queen. HE ATTENDED MY CABARET WITH EDDIE JUDGE AND DOUG MCLAUGHLIN. AND HE MADE OUT WITH SONJA.

I’m so glad I have enough self awareness to not be so desperate. Anyone want to get a drink at The Regency? I heard Tom and Harry Dubin are there.

LuAnn has a lot of important pieces from TJMaxx and Z Gallerie

Shannon, you never got back to me about that all-ladies Christian rock band I'm forming. It's called Cougars of Christ!

Wanna join? We need a drummer!

Wow..okay..wow THOSE ARENT EVEN MY FINGERS YOU FUCKING BITCH

Please send help and Milk-Bones.

Shannon! Where you been? I receive special ingredient today! Make new medicine just for you. You drink morning. You drink afternoon. You drink dinner. You drink bedtime.

Calm nerves! Settle down! Lose weight! Less bitch! Be happy! John Janssen love you long time!!

Only $595 dollar. Cheap! You buy! You buy today!!!

WHY AM I SO FAT?

Well, r382, maybe it's because you get drunk, black out, and forget what you eat! David told me he used to find food wrappers strewn all over the bedroom after your many nights of heavy drinking.

WOW.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my gym. There are some women who need groping ... I mean, training.

What are you talking about, R383? WOW, Dr. Tim, WOW! Are you kidding me? How dare you say I black out. I am NEVER drunk. EVER! I never drink! EVER!

You watch what you say to my little lady, R383, or I'll come down there to your little gym and fuck you right in the ass!

Can I watch -- or better yet, get in on the action r385?

For everything you've put Shannon through, R386, you've got way more than an ass-fucking coming!

Please spank me extra, extra hard, r387. Humiliate me. I've been very naughty!!

John. John! JOHN! Wait, stop! STOP!

If you go around punish-screwing EVERY guy who's ever wronged me, you'll be so busy, I'll practically never see you again!

Having had sex with Shannon at least twice in his life is all the punishment David needs.

r387 / r388 my hole is starved for attention!! Can I come too?

de mo de merweewerwer R391

Wow, r392. Okay. Are you kidding me? John isn't even that big!!!

I heard that, R393, you FAT SLOB BITCH! Now I'm gonna teach YOU a lesson!

Vicki!!! Help!!!

Your silence is like a slow stretch on the rack!!

Hi Shannan r395! It's hard to hear you over the crashing of the waves and the catcalls of the lascivious locals!! What? Jan Janjansen is mad you said he's too small? Well, I can't help you there! Steve fills up my love tank AND THEN some!

Stretched on a rack? No, Steve doesn't have any complaints about my rack. Can't help you there either!

Hope you and Jan can visit us down here soon!

Tamra!!! Help meee!!! John Janssen is giving me a swirly!!!

Sorry, r397, can't help! Currently having hot, STRAIGHT sex with the formerly gay but now reformed Eddie!

Kelly Dodd!!! Help me!!! John Janssen is giving me at-home lipo!!!

r399 maybe if you ever stopped eating he wouldn't have to, ya fucking cunt!

Um...

Braunwyn?

HELP!?

r401 Shannon! In China they having saying: 叶公好龙。No Korean translation! No English translation! It mean dragon lady pretty to look at, but harmful get too close. Cunning! Evil! Use services of kindly, elderly doctor but don't pay him prompt!!! Keep him waiting! Make him mad!

You pay! You pay Dr. Moon! No more stiff! Need money now!

Don't be dragon lady!!

Well well well. Look who's finally reached out to me. It's Miss Shannon R401 Beador!

Unfortunately, you caught me at a really bad time, Shannon. I've still got to drive Kid #4 to soccer practice, pick up Kid #7 from the dentist, drop off Kid #3 at the methadone clinic, pick up Kid #5 from church, drop off Kid #2 at Grandma Deb's house, pick Kid #9 up from their therapist, drop off Kid #6 at fat camp, pick Kid #1 up from play practice, and then drop off Kid #8 to visit their friend in juvie. Then I'm making dinner and then I'm meeting my hubby at our condo for some sexy time.

Best of luck with everything, Shannon! Let's get lunch soon!

ABANDONED IN MY TIME OF NEED!

r404 Shannon, how can you say that? You've hurt my feelings so badly. I love you, and yet you treat me terribly. You make up horrible lies about our fights -- how do you think this makes me feel? Sure, we get in arguments and sometimes I raise my voice. But whatever I do is only in response to your craziness and neediness.

Please treat me better, okay?

I don't want you talking to any of these women anymore. They're trying to tear us apart! Remember, no one will ever love you like I love you.

Get away from me, R405! I've got a frozen fish cake, and I'm not afraid to use it!

Hi-YA!

Your frozen fish cake is no match for Liza's double album Live at Carnegie Hall, Shannon!

Dammit, R408! You made me stress-eat my fish-cake! Are you kidding me?

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

It's me, Fun Shannon! John Janssen and I made up! In fact, we never even got into an argument! (Please disregard all panicky posts from earlier.)

He even took me out to dinner! (He said if he had to eat another one of my Real for Real meals he would vomit everywhere ... and I'd have to clean it up! That's too much work for Fun Shannon!)

What a minute, R411! You told me that Jan Janjansen makes you eat his vamit every time he BARFS fram your crappy cooking!

Shannon, come to office now. I read bellybutton!

Shannon! Very bad! Very bad! In Korean is called "eongteoli". Serious condition! Toxin come together, form demon. Demon live inside you! Make you bitch! Make you nag boyfriend, nag children, nag fried! Communicate through bellybutton. Tells me wants out!

Must let out! If stay make you crazy! Make you bitch! Make your oeeumbu cold and dry, boyfriend no happy!! Must set demon free!

I do cupping right away! Special bee cupping! Live bee inside cup! Suck out toxin! Suck out demon! You let demon out now!! Demon only come out today. If wait tomorrow demon take over brain! Must act now!

Only $6,000 dollar! Pay in advance! No more stiff! No more stuff!

Hey Shannon, I got the hysterical group text sent by you to various random people from your past. I've had my OWN self induced crisis dealing with the death of my abusive ex-husband, Matt. Don't you try to out-drama me, you bottle blonde fat cunt! Oh and by the way your QVC 'diet' meals don't work!!

OK, wow! You know WHAT, R415? As soon as Dr. Moon gets this demon out of my bellybutton, I'm having him send it straight to you!

An exorshishim? How exshiting!

I think Liza r417 should provide a musical number to accompany this thrilling exorcism!

Hit is boysh!

I SHAID HIT IT!

Dr. Moon! How DARE you try to REMOVE me from Shannon Beador!

She belongs to me!

The COW is MINE!

Get me Lydia McLaughlan! Tell her bring Bible! We need more than cupping fo dis bitch!

Never mind! Never mind!

Get out office! Get out office now!

Don't know if you demon or demon hunter!

BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

[This thread gives me life. r420 is amazing!!]

R423! I can help!

Bring it on, JESUS JUGS!

Lydia r427!! I tell you leave! You leave. You leave now!

Thatsh not Lydia, Dr. R428! Thatsh Pashooshoo!

Vat is "exorcism"?

Is like "exercise?" Because Shannon not do "exercise."

R430, you shut your mouth, you dumb Armenian WHORE! I- Shannon exercises more than ANYBODY!

Still waiting for help. And Milk-Bones.

Ish it gone? Ish Pashooshoo gone? Dr. Moons? Alexish? Shum-one clue me in!

Shannan was passessed by a deman and I missed it?

Frick my life!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

shplit pea shoop!?

What a night! Okay, Dr. Moon, are you kidding me? That was intense!!

John Janssen and I are probably going to stay in today. Maybe even listen to a few Liza albums. I'm too tired to argue with him about it!

Thanks again, Dr. Moon! The check's in the mail!

No r437, Shannon, no! You pay! You pay now!!

Ancient China have saying: 魑魅魍魉。 No Korean translation! No English translation! It mean rich lady have demon! Four demon!! Now Shannon free of these four demon!

魑 make woman crazy! Cry all time! Angry all time! Complain all time! Not once month. All time!!

魅 make woman seong-gi toxic. Dry. Boyfriend unhappy. He call all time. Tell me, "Toxic seong-gi! Give treatment!" Too much call! Stop call! Annoy Dr. Moon!

魍 make woman drink too much bodeuka, eat too much sseulegi. Get fat! Drink in morning! Drink in afternoon! Drink in night! Always drink! Call Dr. Moon when drink. Cry. Call every day! Annoy Dr. Moon!

魉 make woman check bounce. No check! Cash or credit card only! Pay upfront! No stiff!

Shannon, you free of 魑魅魍魉！Now stop call! Stop call all time!!

Ching chong chong ching? Ching ching chong chong! Ching ching!

Hi Shannon! Since you insist on plastering your relationship with a beady-eyed, Liza-Minnelli-loving, eyebrowless homosexual all over social media, I thought you would appreciate an update on our relationship!

After this whole COVID thing blows over, David is taking me away to Brazil for a month. We're staying at a fully-furnished, 10,000 square foot villa on the beach at Ipanema. Fully-staffed as well. This means, of course, the homely daughters will be living with you for a month, but don't worry. They still call me "Mom."

David has given me $150,000 to prepare for the trip. I am buying a new wardrobe (including accessories).

When we return home, he is buying me a fully-customized Lamborghini Murciélago. Red, to match my fiery and irrepressible personality.

And our sex life? Oh, our sex life! I will not bore you with the salacious details. Let's just say David Beador is a very satisfied man. He says he had more, and better, sex within the first month of knowing me than he had in the twenty years of knowing you. You're a bit ... frigid, I take it? Can Dr. Moon help with that?

Wow, R440! Are you kidding me? BRAZIL!? That's where David always promised he'd take ME!

You know what? I hope that after a fight with David, you run off, hoping he'll follow you, but you get lost in a maze-like favela, and get gang-banged by a bunch of big-dicked Brazlians!

Sorry, r441. David and I NEVER fight. And he never abused you, you lying cunt! He's the perfect man.

Wow. You know what? You sound JUST like his mother, R442.

I must thank you, David! You made Shannon much easier to manipulate, gaslight, control!

Liza's expression at r417 cracks me the fuck up!

Carry on ...

Okay, I finally found a picture in which John Janssen actually looks kind of hot.

I like what I see!!

Shorry, r447, but John Jansshen ish all shtraight and all mine!

David Beador's GF is pregnant.

Shannon is going to LOSE HER MIND

Vicki! Oh my GOD, VICKI!

I got the MOST devastating news just now! You're not going to BELIEVE this one! Apparently, David's Little Miss 30-Year-Old Hooker Slut Whore Cunt Bitch of a fiancee is going to have...

*SOBS* Is going to have...

*SOBS* That SKANK is going to have a FUCKING BABY! A BABY! With DAVID! I mean, are you kidding me? WOW!

I feel like a grand piano's been DROPPED right on my HEAD!

*SOBS*

Shannan! You need to speak more clearly! You're hysterical and all these Mexicans are being WAY TOO LOUD.

Is your life in grave danger? Because if not PLEASE STOP CALLING! You called 32 times last night and kept interrupting a marathon fucking session between Steve and me!

Maybe you should learn the piano since you have one now. You could accompany Liza as she lulls Jan Janjanssen to sleep.

Sudden Storms is brought to you in part by MIFEPREX, the America's Most Popular Early Option Pill.

Are you knocked up and simply hating it? Then be sure to ask your doctor about Mifeprex, the ten times a day pill that is proven to obliterate and flush out the unwanted parasite in no time.

Did your evil ex-husband knock up his much younger fiancee? Are just livid? Could you just die? Well, lighten up! Just find a way to sneak Mifeprex into the little bitch's food, and in no time, whoosh, no more baby!

Side effects may include dizziness, vomiting, fainting, cold sweats, hot sweats, skin rash, extreme stabbing pain in the groin and abdomen, boils, bleeding from every orifice, growing a mustache, foul smelling body odor, hair loss, boob shrinkage, and a very low libido.

Hmm. I think I know what I need to do now.

I'm going to make David and Lesley a very special casserole.

Shannon r453! You no need r452! Buy Dr. Moon Nagtae Powder instead! Mix by Dr. Moon! No side effect! No flavor! Kill baby! Very discreet! Also bring you health! Prosperity! Happiness! Make you less bitch!!

Only $2250 dollar for one dose! Cheap!

You pay! You pay now!!!

Ooooh! A natural, holistic method for killing an unborn baby? Woweee!

I don't know what I was even THINKING, R454. How could I have been SO stupid? Using a dangerous pharmaceutical product? So unlike Shannon Storms Beador!

I'll be RIGHT OVER, Dr. Moon! You are a GODSEND!

Has Shannon been 5150'd yet?

R456, Shannon got 5150'd about month ago for shoving a lemon up her butt, but she escaped. California law says that if you escape a 5150, you can't be 5150'd for another year.

David, you and Lesley are getting a really big, really yummy casserole soon. I think that you and Lesley having a baby of your own is excellent news. Excellent. I'm sooo so happy for you both. Hap hap hap happy.

I can literally see Shannon squatting down and shitting in a casserole pan while mascara stained tears streak down her fat harpy face!

Oh. No, I won't be taking a poo in this casserole, R459. This is a very special casserole, made with love. For David and his lovely bride-to-be, Lesley. I picked up some special ingredients from Dr. Moon, and I'm heading home right now to cook. Life is wonderful, isn't it?

R460 Shannon, I saw you outside your friend Dr. Moon's office today when I was picking up Kid #4 from ballet class across the street. You looked completely glazed over and you were... drooling, I think? You looked like a zombie. Is everything OK? Call me?

Mom! Did you hear the good news? We're gonna have a little brother or sister!

100% certain Shannon is NOT over David.

In fact, I almost feel like she is vomiting this John Janssen nonsense all over social media to scream at him, "WELL YOU MAY HAVE A 30-YEAR-OLD WHORE BUT I GOT ME A NEW MAN TOO!!!!!"

Also, if John Janssen is treating her like shit, there is no way she'd leave him at this point; she's way too invested in flaunting their "relationship" and convincing the world how happy she is post-David

Yes dears, R462. I heard about it a few hours ago. Now please pardon me while I do a little cooking. I have a congratulatory casserole to make for your father and his beautiful fiancee.

Stormy weather's ahead!

Etta baby, I love you, but I'm the only shinger on Shudden Shtorms!

Hit it boysh!

Shtormy weather, she can't get her poor shelf together ...

John Jansshen, I'm waitin' for ya honey!!

Shannan! Brownwind texted me and said she was warried about you! Call me back!

I'm calling Tamra! Something add is going an back in Arange County, Steve!

Shannon, wow, we're both so happy that you're so happy about the baby. I'll be honest. We expected you to flip out. But I'm glad we're all finally able to put the past behind us, and we can finally all move forward as one big, happy family. So proud of you!

Shannon! You kill slut's baby with potion I give you yet? You let me know! And you pay me! No check! I want cash!

I would have thought and old bag like Shannon would have been inspired by this scene.

What's that haunting scream I hear out my window?

Is that ... is that the crazed woman I've heard them speak of? Shannon Earnshaw? They say her spirit wanders Laguna Beach at night, and she cries out, "David! My David! Oh God, where is my David?" She is a fearsome sight they say: consumptive, hair unkempt, face smeared with massacre, feet bare, gown torn and tattered. Her plaint travels across the sand and foam like the winds rippling through the grasses on the moor. And one John Linton runs after her, feebly, crying out softly, "My Shannon! Oh Shannon!" But she eludes him; her diaphanous figure ever just out of reach.

As for me, I lingered on that beach for a while, underneath the full, bright moon, watching the spectacle unfold before me; I watched Shannon, and John; I watched their sorrow and their cries, which ebbed and flowed as the tide. And then all at once it went silent, and I wondered how anyone could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers on that quiet beach.

Shannon, are you home? I got calls from Vicki and Braunwyn asking me to check on you. They're worried about you. Are you ok?

Wow, Shannon, that's a huge casserole! Who's that for? And why are their little smokey skulls and crossbones wafting from the top of it? What the fuck?

Shannon, I've never seen you this quiet. What's wrong?

Is this about David and his much younger, much thinner, and much more beautiful fiancee having a baby together? Did you finally realize you'll never get David back, and that he's moved on 100% from you?

Shannon talk to me!

Oh. Hello Tamra. How nice of you to drop in.

What? Something wrong? Noooooooo, there's nothing wrong. Nooooooooooooooooo. I am just so happy. So so so so sooooooo happy.

This casserole? It's for Lesley. The lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely Lesley. And David. They are so wonderful, aren't they? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderrrrfulllllllll.

Oh. Hello Tamra. When did you come in?

Francine, did you see Sudden Storms today? Can you believe what that Shannon's up to? A poisoned casserole? Controversée, Francine, controversée!

Yes, Bubbles, I watched Sudden Storms today. A poisoned casserole to kill an unborn child? I think that show has finally become too stressful for me. I can't imagine having someone like Shannon Storms Beador in my life. What a nightmare!

Shannon, I've decided to take you to a beautiful resort for a few days so you can ... rest.

Sho Shannon Shtoms ish off to the booby hatch! John Jansshen, I'll pack my shuitcashe and we can be on the road by shix! I'm waitin' for ya, John Jansshen! I'm waitin' for ya!

I don't need to rest, R477. I just need to give Lesley her special casserole. John, where'd you put my casserole? John, where are you taking me?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I am packing my bags, removing Liza's Live at Carnegie Hall from the turntable, and replacing it with some Dusty Springfield.

Fuck you, John Janssen!! No booby hatch for me!

Poisoned casserole? What poisoned casserole? I've never made any kind of casserole in my life, John, especially not a poisonous one.

You're being so silly!

To be a fly on the wall in John and Shannon's bedroom right now.

I wonder if she's having an alcoholic, borderline meltdown while he questions the wisdom of getting with a woman who is nuts.

If he left her now, or even withdrew a little bit for his own mental health, I think she'd really lose it.

Well Mr. Janssen, poisoning expectant mothers is an imprisonable offense, so you're lucky you caught Shannon before she did any real harm. Her mental health record is extremely long as well. In and out of psychiatric facilities since she was 15, most recently for shoving lemons up her rear end.

I suggest you admit her to my psychiatric facility immediately, for her own good, and the good of the community. I'll do everything I can to fix her.

We have three types of rooms available. First there's the high-end, plush, padded suites with private bathrooms and peaceful Pacific views. Then we have affordable communal quarters that overlook our lovely courtyard gardens. And third, our cheapest option: metal cages in the basement, with no views at all.

Which would you prefer we lock Shannon up in?

JOHN JANSSEN! Are you KIDDING ME? You can't LEAVE me HERE!

First of all, the feng shui is TERRIBLE! I'm having so many negative thoughts!

COME BACK!

I'll take the last option, r483.

I need to conserve money for my high-end rent boy habit.

And eyebrow transplant surgery.

Are cameras allowed in the Orange County Lunatic Asylum, R483? We'd love to humiliate Shan- er, I mean, document Shannon's mental health journey!

Shannon receiving her first round of ECT

ECT thru the VAGINA and ASSHOLE!

Shannon Shtorms, thish one'sh for you!

Poor Fat Shannon. Her menopausal rage finally got the best of her.

Andy-I’m available to take Shannon’s spot on next season on the couch. She will probably be unable to gnaw through the restraints for filming.

Actually her spot on true couch is sagging from that bulk ,and it’s big enough for two, so maybe you could throw a bone to Lynne Curtin and bring her back. You can film her scenes at that Anaheim Motel 6 she’s living in.

Poor Fat Shannon. Her menopausal rage finally got the best of her.

Andy-I’m available to take Shannon’s spot on next season on the couch. She will probably be unable to gnaw through the restraints for filming.

Actually her spot on true couch is sagging from that bulk ,and it’s big enough for two, so maybe you could throw a bone to Lynne Curtin and bring her back. You can film her scenes at that Anaheim Motel 6 she’s living in.

I DON'T BELONG IN HERE!

I'm not CRAZY! I'm just mentally and spiritually EXHAUSTED from all the ABUSE I've suffered from David, from David's mom, from David's sisters, from David's fiancee, from David's unborn child, from Vicki, from Tamra, from Kelly, from Heather, from Terry, from my kids, from Archie, from Andy Cohen, from the girl who does my nails, from Pazuzu, from Jeana Keough, from Dr. Moon, from Dr. Moon's wife, from Miss 30-Year-Old, from Jeff Lewis, from Kim Richards, from Peggy and Dicko, from Laurie, Lynne, and Quinn, from my gardener, from Dr. Tim, from Jim Bellino, from Braunwyn, from all her kids, from Dr. Deb, from Emily, from Gina, and from LIZA FUCKING MINELLI!

LET ME OUT!

Shannon r492! You no need useless Western medicine. You need Dr. Moon! You have resentment too much! You need nunsog-im! Special treatment from ancient China! Dr. Moon offer just for you. Enchanted paper burn skin; release toxin. Stop murderous rage! Make you peaceful! Make you listen to boyfriend and do what he say! You take beating without scared! Stop annoy him!

Shannon happy! Boyfriend happy! Children still homely but happy!

Only $3,549 dollar for one treatment. I offer discount! Use to be $3,550 dollar! Cheap now!

You pay in advance. No bouncing check! No stiff Dr. Moon!

r485, you should look into a forehead reduction while you're getting that eyebrow transplant.

Dr. Terry R494, is dere anyding you can do bouts my forehead?

Shannan! You're missing a fun girls trip! All the girls, except YOU, came to Puerta Vallarta to WHOOP IT UP with me.

When will you be released from the lunatic asylum?

I guess it’s up to us to torture the bitch.

Is Shannon having another psychotic break?

Jealous, bitches?

NOPE.

Wow, r500. Okay. Are you kidding me right now? I don't know if you got the memo but not only is JOHN JANSSEN red hot sexy, handsome, kind, funny, very smart, successful (like me!), and only subtly abusive, he is also a CHRISTIAN with STRONG FAMILY VALUES!!!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Sudden Storms needs some Pary.

Shannone, you must keep positive. You'll be out of that peanut house in no time. When you get out, I give you big hugs.

Hi Shannon! So sorry about your recent 5150. We're sending you our love. Our little bun in the oven sends good wishes too!

Look who came to visit me in the Lunatic Asylum today!

Jealous, bitches?

Ok. Wow! You know what, R498? It was NOT a psychotic break! I just had a bad day! I'm allowed to have a bad day every now and then! I'm allowed to feel my pain! I'm allowed to try to kill an unborn baby!

You are OFF my list of approved visitors!

The queen in the background will be meeting John Janssen in the hotel linen room after Shannon passes out from Grey Goose.

Ha ha ha ha ha R508. That was a hilarious joke!

John Janssen promised me that when I get out of this asylum, he'll take me on a gay cruise to Mexico. That way he won't have to worry about me getting attention from any other man but him. Isn't he the greatest?

Andy, when are you coming to visit me in the Lunatic Asylum? There are so many CUTE twink orderlies here! Ha ha ha ha!

He’s going to throw you off that boat and accuse a couple of angry lesbians of the crime, Fat Shannon.

Gay cruise, r509? I'm in!!

R511 Eddie! Get AWAY from that GAY boat!

Are you serious right now, R510? John Janssen would NEVER throw me off a boat!

You know what, Meghan? At least I didn't marry a man who'd been divorced 19 times, Miss 30-year-old!

Yes, r513, he took out three different life insurance policies on you because he loves you.

WOW, R514! Wow! I haven't heard from you since you skipped off to Mexico to your corrupt cop of a fiancee! When I was possessed by Pazuzu, where was Vicki Gunvalson? On a beach in Mexico, ignoring my plight! When I got locked up in an asylum, where was Vicki Gunvalson? In Mexico, ignoring my crisis! And now you have the nerve to suggest that John Janssen has less-than-honorable intentions? You should be ashamed of yourself, Vicki Gunvalson! My kids called you Aunt Vicki! *SOBS*

I'm sho excshited to provide the entertainment on thish cruishe! Jusht think! I'll be shtuck on a ship with John Jansshen for sheven daysh!!

Let's sail away!

ALL ABOARD!

Shannon! I hear you take romantic cruise. Gone long time. No see Dr. Moon long time.

I make special medicine package for you. Contain every type cure! Seasick! Homesick! Lovesick! Seong-gi too dry! Boyfriend look at too many men! You bitch too much to boyfriend! Twenty seven cures total! All made for just you!

Special deal. I give you frequent customer discount. Only $290 each cure! $5940 dollar total! Cheap!

Buy today! Buy now! Pay today! No stiff Dr. Moon!!!

John, when can we reenact that scene from Titanic? You know the one, where I lay naked on a couch and you sketch me.

John Jansshen, thish one'sh for you!

"I raishe my armsh to greet you home

To give you shelter

From the wild windsh of the shea

Shailor boysh, come and shail with me"

Ok, R520. I'm done sketching you. Please put your clothes back on. Now have a look:

Hiiiiiieee John! Where'd you dump Shannon?

She's passed out? You gave her a bag of melatonin gummies to eat? Hahahaha you are SUCH a BITCH!

Wow, r522. Are you serious right now? That looks NOTHING like me!!

I'm DONE with you!

It's hard to believe Shannon was once this thin.

Wish she'd get back down to this weight. I prefer a woman without curves.

R524! What are you doing out on deck, you fat slob? I told you to enjoy your gummies and take a nap!

Really, R525 R526? Wow! I am NOT fat! I have NEVER been FAT!

I'm going to the BUFFET! You're not gonna get to feast your eyes on me for a while, Mister Janssen!

I love when Shannon Shtorms shtorms off. More time for me and John Jansshen!

I'm so exchited I think I'll shing another shong!

I’m going to throw dis fat cunt off da side of the fuckin’ boat if she doesn’t move her fat ass in the buffet line.

I heard that, R529! You dykes better leave me alone! I'm on this boat with my fiancee, John Janssen, and if you try to finger-bang my pussy or lick my titties against my will, I'll have him kick your lesbo asses all over this ship! Now let be me! John Janssen paid good money for this cruise, so I will sample EVERYTHING at this buffet before I put ANYTHING on my plate!

Hi, yes, sorry ... I'm just taking a few plates of food back to my room for later ...

HIT IT BOYSH!

If dat fat bitch R532 eats all da meatballs I swear ta god I'm gonna sink dis fuckin ship like da Titantric! How many of doze meatballs you gotta sample before youse know if you like em or not!?

Iceboygs, dead ahead!

OOps I didn't mean to yell at yous, Liza. I meant to yell at R531 dat blonde bitch over dere eatin all da meatballs! C'mon blondie, let's mooove!

Hey! John Janssen! Fancy running into you aboard the Pacific Princess! So good to see you! Haha I just come from the buffet. You shoulda seen it! Some crazy lesbian was beating the shit out of some whiney blonde lady with a big ass.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

He was too busy getting his dick sucked by ME Shannon!

I think the most illuminating thing about this thread is how many pictures exist of Shannon Beador crying.

Worst. Cruise. Ever!!!

Fuck you, John Janssen! I'm injured and you didn't even have the decency to do it yourself!!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Dat fat bitch took da last jet-ski! I'm gonna knock her fuckin' head off!

WOW, r541. Okay, DAVID. Way to impersonate me!

At least I don't look like THIS!

There aren't enough prosthetics in the world to allow me to impersonate your thunder thighs, R543.

John, darling, can you rub some some sun block on me, please?

I don't even recognize myself anymore!

John, do you think I should get naked like Tamra? John? John, why is Eddie sitting on your lap?!

John? Where did you go, John? I've hardly seen you this entire trip! JOHN? JOHN? Where ARE you?

Are you KDDING ME?

Bye Shannon! Enjoy Mexico, you fat slob!

And I'd like to decidate thish nexsht number to a very special lady! Shannon Shtorms, remember you are not alone! You may not have JOHN JANSSHEN, but there ish alwaysh Vicki Gunvalshon, Emily Shimpson, Meghan King Edmondsh, Peggy Shulahian, and Jeff Lewish! Sho many friendsh!

Now hit it, boysh!

Shayonara, Shannon Shtorms!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Abandoned AGAIN in my time of NEED.

Shannon is going to sneak into that hospital when the baby is born and switch it with some other couple’s child. Maybe Brianna or Brown Wind are knocked up again.

Dear Diary,

While hitchhiking through Mexico and sneaking back into the U.S.A. like an illegal immigrant, I had some time to reflect on the recent events in my incredibly stormy, hectic life. I am ashamed that I even considered cooking a poisoned casserole to kill Lesley's unborn baby. What was I thinking? David and Lesley's baby is innocent in all of this, and doesn't deserve to be punished.

It's DAVID and LESLEY who should be PUNISHED!

So, I've concocted two possible plans!

Plan 1: I fake a pregnancy of my own, and when Lesley gives birth to her baby, I steal it from the hospital when no one's looking, pretend to give birth at home (when no one else is around,) and then raise David and Lesley's baby as my own. David and Lesley will think some stranger stole their baby, and hopefully the grief will drive them apart!

Plan Two: Like my first plan, I fake a pregnancy. But instead of stealing the baby from the hospital, I'll murder Lesley, cut the baby out of her womb, and get rid of the body so everyone thinks she just ran away. Then I'll raise the baby as my own. This plan is a bit messier than the first, but all I'll have to do is make sure the body is NEVER found.

I'm still not sure if I'll go through with either of these plans, and I still have some kinks to work out, but it's nice to think I can take control back in my life, and possibly live happily ever after with John Janssen and our new baby!

I'm glad that John abandoned me in Mexico during our cruise. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to come up with my plans.

I'm SO HAPPY!

Til next time,

Shannon Storms

OK! This bitch needs to go to prison.

I'm still laughing at this picture. It's like the perfect microcosm of Shannon Storms and John Janssen's "relationship"

The queen in the background is like, "I can't believe she doesn't know!"

Somebody needs to write a Shannon-stream-of-consciousness post ... maybe I will later if I can summon the mental energy

You know she is losing it right now

Shtream of conshcioushnessh

Shannon hasn't updated her Instagram in days!

Did John drive to the middle of the desert and leave her there?

Are you kidding me, R560? John took me on a cruise to Mexico and abandoned me there, which he promises was an accident. I forgave him because why would John want to abandon me on purpose? No man would!

Then when John finally got back from his cruise, he took me on a very special "I'm sorry" trip out to Death Valley, and accidentally left me at gas station in the middle of nowhere! I need to get him to Dr. Moon's office, where he'll be able to get some special herbs to improve his memory.

I just got done blowing a truck driver for a ride, but he said it was like fucking a jar of rocks, so he ditched me on the side of the road!

Shannon, you hurry! New treatment! Hurry! Special for you. One of kind! One of kind!

You hurry! Only $6500 dollar! Today only. Cheap!

You hurry! You hurry! Dr. Moon have angry loan fish he must pay!

WOW, r557. Okay. Are you serious right now?

That nice gentleman was a perfect Christian! In fact, he joined John Janssen in our room for a private men's Bible study while I went to the fitness center to work out (and NOT to the hotel restaurant to have a second dinner)!!

r558 Wow...okay...wow Carole don't you have to go suck Bethanny's tit or something?

You had more than a second dinner, R563. You had a second, third, and fourth dinner, then a 12-course dessert. Your pants ripped when you got up to leave.

Wow, r565. Okay. Are you kidding me?

Why are you putting vicious rumors out into the universe about me!! I ate everything at the SAME dinner!

Whatever, R566. I'm surprised the elevator didn't break and plummet downward on your way back up to your room.

No worries, r567! Our "Bible study" ended right before she got back!

Only 300 more miles to go!

Heeey pretty lady, R569. Where ya headed? You need a ride somwhere?

Wow, r570. Are you serious right now? JOHN JANSSEN felt terrible about abandoning me in the middle of the Mojave with no cell phone, no water, and no map!! In fact, after spending a few days with his special friend Todd in Palm Springs, he turned around and came back to find me again!

He is the best boyfriend!! And I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!

This one'sh for John Jansshen! Hit it boysh!

He'sh hot ash Hadesh

A lady'sh not shafe in hish armsh when she'sh kisshed

But I'm afraid that when he'sh cooled off

And maybe I'm ruled off hish lisht

I'll never be misshed

I make new thread! You pay! You pay now! No stiff!

R573 Wow...okay...wow THAT IS NOT EVEN MY THREAD YOU FUCKING BITCH.

Shannon r574, get off the computer before I go all David on your ass!

Why can’t I post here

r576 Wow...okay...wow - I have nothing,. Buy my frozen entrees!