Sudden Storms: The Gays and Fights of Shannon Beador

Previous thread here!

WOW, OP. Okay. Are you kidding me right now? JOHN JANSSEN is NOT controlling, nor is he homosexual!! In fact he just came in here to yell at and low-key threaten me for going through his Liza Minnelli memorabilia collection without his permission. This time I found autographed ticket stubs from Liza's 1987 engagement at Carnegie Hall (John knew some people and was even able to hang out with Liza backstage!).

Does he sound controlling or homosexual to you?

I don't think so!!

Shannon r2! You come today! I read fortune. Tell you about success. Love! Beauty! Wealth! Big house! Big car! Big QVC line! Boyfriend with big eumgyeong!

Only $2,225 dollar for each fortune tell. Cheap! If you no like fortune, I tell again! No limit! You must pay every new fortune!

I predict you pay Dr. Moon in advance. No stiff! No stiff!

Shannon, guess what? I was just cast as Vera in the Newport Players' upcoming production of MAME!

We still need to cast the role of Gooch, the fat frump who needs to get laid. I think you'll be perfect for the part. I gave our director Jacque Fantana your number, so he should be calling you any minute!

Be sure to tell wardrobe that Shannon wears a size 18, r4

R4, can I play Mame?

Vat is mame? Like hair of horse?

Sorry, R6, I'm playing MAME! The role was meant for a STAR.

WOW r8!!!!!

With his impeccable sense of style, John Janssen is trying to make the homely daughters a little less homely!

Are you kidding me, R4? John Janssen has expressly forbidden me from performing in ANY type of local musical theatre. He says it's either Broadway for me, or it's nothing at all!

And, you know what, R6? Your jokes are always hilarious, but to joke about playing a WOMAN? On a stage? Where people I know may SEE you? I don't find that funny AT ALL, John Janssen. Wow!

OH! And R5! Are you serious right now? I am NOT a size 19. I am, and have ALWAYS been, a size 1! ONE! And you know what? I know your size, Vicki Gunvalson. You're a size... CON-WOMAN! Ha!

I'm DONE!

Don't worry, Heather R4, that Shannon gal at R11 is too damned fat to play Gooch anyhow.

Gooch needs to be a gal who we'll be able to make over from a frump to a knockout, and this Shannon slob is all frump, no knockout.

Yeah, what a shlob!

R12, yer rilly gauche, madame, a regler little coo-chon—and that means PIG!

WOW, r13. Okay, LIZA, are you kidding me?!

I am not a "shlob"! In fact, I am a VERY glamorous woman! I wear Oscar de la Renta and Van Cleef & Arpels and always look RAVISHING!

John Janssen says my taste is impeccable -- and as a STRAIGHT man, he would know!

R15 Shannon's a real dish alright. A dish of steaming bullshit!

You need a REAL WOMAN to play Mame, not a braying heifer or a beady eyed homosexual with violent tendencies.

R17, you better not insult my good friend Mamie. She is one of the kindest, most talented, most eclectic women I've ever had the pleasure to work with. Now please leave. We are done here.

Wow, r17, okay. Are you serious? I don't know what you're taking about! There is only ONE homosexual in my life.

And beady-eyed John Janssen does not have violent tendencies!!! He just gets mad when I don't listen!

R19 Shannon, did you donate some of your ass fat to Jeff's face?

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Are you kidding me? He likes a little meat, R21, not saggy chicken skin!

John Janssen is such a devout Christian! Here we are with two members of his men's Bible study!

And here are two more members of John Janssen's men's Bible study group, R23!

r24 let me ask John Janssen!

What's that, John? You need to see several more pictures of them to confirm if you know them?

Yes, sure, I can shut the door on my way out dear ...

Two more members of the men's prayer club!

Shannan! Slow down and stop crying!! You walked in on Jan Janjanssen and ... what?

Not now, Shannan. I'm trying to learn enough Mexican to tell the filthy local beggars that my fiancee carries a gun! Just stay in the closet until Jan cools off and loses interest and puts a Liza vinyl on the turntable.

r27 Vicki!! Look what I found!!!

Well I never!

I don’t know who this person is. I figure she must be either a member of Congress or one of the hotwives.

Wow, r29. Okay. Are you kidding me right now? I am EXTREMELY famous!!!

Maybe you know me because I am the girlfriend of JOHN JANSSEN, the sexiest, handsomest, kindest, straightest, most Christian boyfriend on the PLANET. He also has STRONG FAMILY VALUES (he believes in traditional gender roles!) and he is only very low key abusive -- and only when I deserve it!!

Or maybe you know me from my BESTSELLING and DELICIOUS QVC line of healthy food. It's perfect for busy, on-the-go businesswomen LIKE ME!

Or maybe you know me from my homely but VERY TALENTED and TOTALLY DRUG-FREE (I test them weekly!) daughters! They have their own band and will one day surpass both The Beatles and Led Zeppelin in record sales!

Or maybe you know me by the marginally-talented Liza Minnelli, who is the current object of John Janssen's fixation -- but we're working on that.

Hmmm. Congresswoman Shannon Storms Beador? Hmmm.

Maybe R29 is on to something!

We would be adorable on the campaign trail!

And I would run on a family values platform!!

You bitches knew I would flutter my way back onto your television screens!

Can you imagine Shannon in Congress-“WOW! ARE YOU KIDDING ME NANCY PELOSI! THIS (POINTING TO HER GUNT) IS STRESS! (POINTS AGAIN) THIS IS CHUCK SCHUMER!”

I think Sudden Storms has uncovered its next story line r34 ...

Shannon Shtorms Takesh On Washington!

I think I'll shing a little patriotic number

First Cangress, then the White House! WOO-HOO! Go Shannan! You've gat my vote!

The first Holstein Heifer elected to office

Please, everyone, please calm down! There's no way Shannon Beador will unseat me in the next election. Orange County went blue, and no crazy reality star with crystals in her teeth is going to change that.

Guys.. John is straight. We used to hang no together when our women were friends. We have spent countless hours alone at my gym sauna, alone... after hours.

Let's use some logic!

If John Jannsen were gay, he wouldn't have a crush on a STRAIGHT woman!!

John loves Liza (much to my chagrin)!

Therefore, John Janssen is STRAIGHT!

Shannon, if you need any help during your campaign, don't hesitate to give me a call.

We need to take Orange County back from the liberals, and you're just the woman to the do it!

Are you kidding me, R38? Wow! That comment was like a dry fist up my butt!

Ooooh Steve Bannon R42. You make my pussy gush!

Oops! Did I just say that out loud? Wowee!

Shannon, do you really think a run for office is in your best interests? You know how you tend to embarrass yourself. Oh, I know you don't mean to. But you're just ... well, you're an embarrassment in almost every situation. And you're gaining weight -- it's very noticeable. You're getting fat Shannon. Look at yourself in the mirror ... look at those jeans. They hardly fit anymore. People will start talking about it. You're always so emotional and I don't think you could handle it.

And do you really think you're smart enough for public office? You know how simple things tend to fluster you. You always overpay when you visit Dr. Moon because you're too stupid to read the bill correctly.

You know I'm only telling these things because I love you. If I didn't love you I'd just let you keep embarrassing yourself. No one else loves you enough to tell you. No one else loves you like me.

Shannon! R45 is a controlling scum bag and isn't good for you! Get away from him now or you'll be sorry later. I was right about Brooks, but did Vicki listen? Hell no! And we all know how that turned out! Shannon, I know I haven't always been the best friend to you, but for the love of GOD, get that man out of your life!

WOW, r46. Okay. Are you serious right now? John Janssen loves me like no one has ever loved me before. And now you're trying to take that away from me!! How dare you!! How fucking dare you!

You're just mad because John said I shouldn't talk to you anymore. You're a bad influence on me! You don't care about me like John does!!

I'M DONE WITH YOU!!!

R47 Shannon! You run for Congress? I offer to be special campaign physician!

I make sure no demon in belly button. No bad energy in brain. No toxins in spleen. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.

You win election with me!

Only $15,000 a day. Cheap!

Is this a soap thread? (Old) Dynasty was much better.

This not soap thread, r49. This soap med!! Call bilyo! Ancient recipe! Use by Buddhist monks. Make them spiritual. Cleanse the body! Cleanse the mind! Make you live long time!

Perfect to wash old, dry seong-gi like Shannon's! Also make bruise disappear from boyfriend beating! Magic!

Only $1,500 dollar for one bar. Cheap!! Must buy two. You buy today!!

No stiff kindly Dr. Moon. No stiff!!!

Well, get Richard and Esther Shapiro to join in, R49.

Shannon, enough with this congress nonsense.

Come sit down on the couch. I just bought Rent-a-Cop on Amazon. You'll love it!

But first, get in the kitchen and make me some popcorn.

Hi Shannon! We just wanted to do a quick check-in. I hear your mental health has been deteriorating since we shared the amazing news that Lesley is expecting! Admitted to the ER with acute alcohol poisoning, you say? Kept under an involuntary 72-hour hold, you say? You are John are discussing long-term treatment options, you say? How sad ... especially for him, to be tethered to an overweight, mentally unsound alcoholic. He didn't know what he was getting himself into, did he?

That's okay, though. This means our homely daughters can spend more time with Lesley! They prefer being with her, you know; they still call her Mom.

Best wishes, Shannon! I'm rooting for you!

Someone sent my campaign headquarters a bowel movement!

r54, you did it yourself -- when you were blacked out drunk.

Please, for the love of God, stop embarrassing me ... and yourself.

Kelly Dodd should run against Shannon on a pro-Trump platform since they’re basically neighbors

WOW, r52, are you kidding me? That movie was awful! I don't care if you were able to hang out with Liza on set!!!

So it’s the Berkshires but in a pandemic. Put them in a locked mansion stocked with booze and scantily clad gay helpers and let them go nuts.

David looks particularly serial-killer-esque at r53

David and Mother Beador have hidden at least one of his “indiscretions” in the support posts of one of his highway projects.

Shannon is lucky to have gotten out alive. Lesley ,you in danger girl!

Don't worry, r61; she was only a crack-addicted hooker.

No one misses her.

Shannon! Come quick! I discover cure Covid! Come from ancient book. Ancient secret! Special for you! Work for no one else. So you keep secret! Clear lung! Clear mind! You no more sick.

Must visit Dr. Moon three times day for special treatment. Only $500 dollar per visit. Cost of medicine not included. But medicine cheap! Only $700 dollar a dose. Must take ten dose to be cure!

Only accept cash or credit card. No check!! Your check too bouncy!

You pay now! Save life!!

Wow, OK everyone. I've been a busy bee on the campaign trail! Can you believe it? The people of Orange County love me! And I love them for loving me! Even the poor people love me! Who wouldn't love me?

Best of all, John Janssen agreed to let me run for Congress once I allowed him to take five underprivileged young men into our home. This way, John will be able to focus on bettering their lives while I'm out campaigning! The guys are all so sweet and sassy, and love to spend time with my John! Who wouldn't?

Well, I've got to get back to my campaign. I've got a meeting with Steve Bannon today. We're going to go over how I can trick minorities into voting for me! I'm SO EXCITED!

Thank you R64 for letting us live with you and John! You're the best!

Adopt me too, John Janssen!! Adopt me!

I need a sexy daddy.

I love a man with sexy eyebrows, r66!

Shannon chewed off my eyebrows! There, I finally said it!

r68 John Janssen! I make you special potion. Regrow eyebrow! Enlarge tiny eumgyeong! Make old eumgyeong stay hard long time! Slip into Shannon's drink, make her be quiet! Fix all problem!

Only $2,395 dollar! Cheap! I give you special discount!

You have shifty eye. You pay now!!!

Shannan ... no, I don't think Jan Janjanssen's eyebrows are growing in yet ...

Please don't call me again unless he puts you in the ICU!! Your constant calls are cramping my Mexican style!

Vat is eyebrow? Is like hat of eye?

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According to a "rock solid source", Shannon "Storms" Beador has COVID-19!

Did John Janssen infect her?

Die bitch, die!

Good, R73!

Shannon gat the Caronaviras and I don't, R73? Woohoo, I'm better than Shannon!

You're wrong, Meghan r73. It was me! I made sure one of the homely daughters got infected before I sent her back to stay with Shannon. And my plan was a success!

Also, are you free later?

Vat is congress r64? Is like woman conman?

Shending my condolencshesh, Shannon Shtorms!

Shannon Beador doesn't have COVID-19. She's fakin' her illness for attention and sympathy!

So sorry to hear you caught Corona, Shan. Would you like to buy a cuff?

I've forced Shannon to quarantine in her state of the art holistic panic room. I set the door timer so she won't be able to get out for exactly two months. Now I can finally have all my prayer circle guy-friends over to meet my five underprivileged young wards. Bring lots of lube, guys!

Wow, John Janssen, r81. Okay. Are you serious? How could you! This is like a bottle of ipecac syrup to the stomach!!

Did you grease the door frame to get her fat ass through the door of that panic room?

Between her recent COVID diagnosis and the news that David knocked up a thirty year old, I sincerely hope Shannon is on suicide watch.

Throw that fat cunt into the looney bin, preferably a room With padded walls and a floor that can be hosed down. Shove her in-AND LEAVE HER FOR GOOD

It was God's Plan for you to catch COVID-19, Shannon. We are all part of God's Plan. The concept of chaos is a fallacy, as everyone and everything has their role to play in God's Plan. There is order in all things, regardless of whether humans believe it or not. Have Faith, R83. You should not despair at your sickness. Instead, you should fast and pray the entire time you're stuck in that panic room. Deprive yourself of earthly pleasures, Shannon, as it will only strengthen your soul. Stay on your knees and give yourself to the Lord. If you can devote yourself to Him, then when that panic room door opens in two months, you will truly be a Happy Shannon.

My husband Doug and I will pray for you.

Can I pray with Doug too, r87, while you're busy pecking at fallen sunflower seeds on your patio?

We promise, we will pray on our knees.

You should join my husband's All-Guys Prayer Club, R88. He always comes home late and elated after his daily meetings.

Here are some of the other husbands in Doug's Prayer Club! Doug loves getting down on his knees with these men!

Jesus are these cunts headless? They all hooked up and married fags. MY MAN is a real man, not some dirty cocksucker with dried jizz on their face.

R88! Here are some of Doug's buddies at our Church's annual Halloween Costume Social last year. We all had so much fun! Towards the end of the night, everyone had a huge laugh when all of Doug and all his buddies started dancing with each other, grinding on each other, and making out.

Talk about a funny Halloween prank!

BTW, R83, Doug and I are still praying that God's Plan doesn't involve your untimely death.

We're not fags, 91! We're perfectly normal heterosexual, happily married men. Just because I like to suck a big cock whenever I'm stressed out doesn't mean I'm gay.

Good morning, Mr. John! Thank you for letting us live in your house.

Shannon, I don't know why you're so suspicious of me all the time. Why do you question everything I do, everyone I talk to, every place I visit?

You're really turning into a controlling bitch. I know you don't mean it, but you make me lose my temper when you get like this. You cry and cry and I snap. I didn't mean to hit you, but sometimes I just can't take it anymore. If you treated me better, didn't question all my activities, didn't whine and nag constantly -- then I'd treat you with a little more respect.

You're fat, Shannon, and an alcoholic. You're mentally ill, and the whole world knows it. Look in the mirror. Who could love that? You will never find anyone who loves you as much as I do.

John and Doug! I found the perfect Chrishtian to lead your prayer meetingsh!

Oh wow R95! I love you SO much! No man has ever said something that romantic to me. I wish you were in quarantined in here with me, John Janssen! I miss you!

Mom, what's going on? You told me not to worry about you when I went away to college, but ever since you quarantined yourself in your panic room, it looks like John's taken in at least 30 more underprivileged young men to live with in your house. They all look like models, the twins told me they're all bitchy, and they all just hang out by the pool all day or take really long naps with John or with other older men who come by at all hours. Who are all these guys? Do any of these guys have jobs?I just don't get it mom. Five underprivileged young men was fine. But 35!? Wow, R83, are you kidding me?

Francine-ee, you should start watching 'Sudden Storms' again, you really should. This week Shannon's evil ex-husband got her sick with a deadly virus! On purpose! And then, Shannon's evil gay boyfriend locked her in her panic room to die! Then he opened up a boy brothel in her house! Sacré bleu, Francine, sacré, sacré bleu!

chakra blue!

Wow, r98. Okay. Are you kidding me? You know nothing, little miss almost-20-year-old!! John Janssen only invited those fine young men into our home out of the goodness of his heart! He has a Christian duty to counsel those poor souls who have gone astray. Eddie and Doug come over often because they provide such good examples of upstanding Christian men! And Bible study!

And I don't care if you are homely, and if I am overwrought, alcoholic, and overweight!!! You will respect me and your soon-to-be stepfather, John Janssen!

Tamra, why does Eddie spend so much time over at Shannon and John Janssen's house nowadays? I swear he spends more time over there than he does with you.

He's leading special Cut Fitness classes for all John's underprivileged wards? How many of them wards he got livin' with him now?

50?

Well, I guess Shannon's got a big enough house for all of em.

Shannon, I am SHOCKED at what I have just witnessed while slowly driving past your house! Homosexuals! All over the place! Guys making out around the pool, guys making out in the pool, in on the lawn, on the deck, or even on the roof! This "ward thing" that John is doing has got to stop! You really need to come out of that panic room and get control of your house, R101! Oh, and guess what? I think I saw your John Janssen with a dick in his mouth! So get it together, Shannon, or I will hire people to pull it together for you.

Heather r103, it's all under control. Nothing a little prayer can't heal!

By the way, just so everybody knows, I have nothing against gay people, I just think stuff like that should be kept in the bedroom. For gays and for straights. I mean, you don't ever see me making a display of *my* sexuality in public. Ever.

That's because you're a typical Jew r105 -- like your Jewish husband -- aren't all Jewish people asexual?

Doug, do you really think you need to move in with David Janssen to mentor all his needy wards?

Well, I guess that if 75 guys are that desperate to find Jesus, why can't other members of your men's prayer group help handle the load?

They're all moving in too!?

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All right boys, Jesus Daddy is movin' in. Meet me by the pool in fifteen minutes and you can all form a prayer circle around my cock.

Where you at Jesus Daddy? It's been fifteen minutes! Let's pray!

I'm having sho much fun danshing the nightsh away at John Janshen's housh! I haven't had thish much fun shince Shtudio 54!

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Vat is brothel r109? Is like opposite of sistel?

Help me, R113! Can you and Dicko please come to my house and get me out of this panic room? I'm so HUNGRY! I finished all my rations a week ago!

Vat is "ration," r114? Is short for Russia Nation?

Vat is "ration," r114? Is short for Russia Nation?

I hope John Janssen teaches his young wards about the dangers of overplucking.

Vicki! Help me! John cut off all the electronic communication from my panic room. I'm locked in and I can't even yell at people over the intercom! No phone calls, no texts, no emails! Wow! The fact that John has treated a victim of COVID-19 is like a sledge-hammer to my head! Help me!

r118 Shannan, our reception is really bad.

Why does your voice sound like you're an elderly Chinaman?

Gotta run, Shannan! My love tank is on E!!

r118 Shannon! I call friend! I pretend be you. No one know!! Our secret.

Before I call, I must take magic drug. Make me know your thought! Right now, you think, "Why you leave, David? Why you mean, John Janssen? Why you bad friend, Vicki? Why you homely, homely daughter? Why I fat? Why I ugly? Why no one nice to me?"

See! I know thought!!

You must pay for ingredient of magic drug. Only $3,795 dollar. Cheap!

I know your thought. You want stiff. No stiff! No stiff! You pay! You pay now!!

Whenever I visit Orange County, I stay with my buddy John Janssen and all his underprivileged young men. Sometimes, I just fly in to spend a long weekend of getting my cock sucked and fucking some amazing ass!

....

Oh God! John, there's a fly in the panic room with me... I'm gonna eat it!

Fat Shannon’s such a fucking lard ass -now she’s eating FLIES?? She can’t wait for Nurse Ratched to shove a tray of Jello and creamed under the door?

Get some self control fat ass!

Oooh there's also some nice fat spiders in my panic room, R124! Pardon me while I scarf em down!

Wow! So delicious!

Wait a sec, Mr. Spider, I think you deserve a name. I'll call you David. Ok, David, it's time for me to EAT YOU!

Wow, Doug, there are SO MANY needy young men who need your holy guidance here! No wonder you moved in!

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Okay ... John Janssen still loves me!! He took a short break from teaching his young wards about the Bible (he made a joke about Sodom and Gomorrah that went over my head!) and brought me a nebulizer! He said it's Dr. Moon approved! I just have to use it every day for three weeks and then he'll consider letting me out again.

Then he told me I'm a fat bitch and that I better shape up and start obeying him! Of course I love John Janssen and would never want to make him mad. So I am going to be in here working on being a better person!!!

Wish me luck!

Vat is telepathy r128? Is like path to telephone?

Listen guys. For real. Eddie does nothing for me. Yuck. Terry? Obviously, No. John Janssen? He's hotter than both of those guys. But he's not enough. Colton Keough? Yeah, hot. Shane? Yeah, hot. But Whatever.

But what the fuck is wrong with me when I still think that Brooks Ayers was the hottest guy EVER on any Real Housewives franchise? I can TELL that he had a huge cock. He had a handsome face, beautiful eyes...

What the FUCK is wrong with me. I just turned 43, its not like I am 60.

Dr Moon, can you help? Or Theresa Giudice? My two favorite posters have been very , very silent.

And Shannon- FUCK YOU, you nasty, nasty, pig! And your ugly daughters. Bitch. Don't even say a word.

Waddya want, R131? I'm down the shore wid my dorters ritin' a new book and waitin' to hear if Joe survived Corona. But I gots time to help you!

Wow, r131. Okay. Are you kidding me right now?? Only John Janssen has the power to make me shut up ... usually with a swift smack with the back of his hand!

r131! You listen careful. You have rare condition! Call keugi kwin. I learn it from ancient book! Make you want big seong-gi! Make you think it all the time. No notice rotten man underneath the seong-gi! Liar! Cheat! Fake cancer! Stiff kindly Dr. Moon!!!

Keugi kwin only cure by special herb call wiyag! Grow only on Achasan Mountain in Korea. Very rare! Collected once year by Buddhist monk. Hard to obtain! Must climb treacherous peak! Monk may die!

You come office and I sell wiyag! I give discount. Normally $12,000 dollar. I sell you only $11,995 dollar. Cheap! Deep discount!

You know Shannon? You may stiff! No stiff! Pay now! No refund!

Dr Moon, Isn't a seong-gi a big old flappity pussy!??

I want Brook's dick, which I think starts with an "E"???

Teach me about the words for female endowment and male endowment? (And no, I cannot PAY you)

Tree- Thank you for taking the time to write-

Gia's nose job was not even needed, I always thought she was cute (and sweet) even when others said she was ugly as a stump.

All of your daughters are cute but the little one who looks like that bookie some poster knew from Bayonne.

Anyway, Brook's cock is very large and thick and I just know that Victoria saved pictures of it! And uses them for her own pleasure (I mean, that Steve Ladge? He looks like a 90 year old lesbo who never once looked in a mirror!)

Thanks Tree!

And Shannon, your boar face BORES me! You scallywag!

Ahhh R135, my dead Uncle Pepperoni wuz a bookie in Bayonne too!

Anywayz, maybe youz can track dat Brooks down and go "Listen Brooks, I gotta have dat big peepee!" If dat don't work, offer him some money.

Lemme know what happened.

Thanks Tree. Bitch, I don't care what they say about youz. Youz has the INGREDIENCES for an amazing life!

Brooks, where dat pee-pee at, bitch!

I make mistake, r135! I mean to say, keugi kwin make you want big eumgyeong!!

I get confuse. John Janssen just call complain about Shannon's seong-gi. Too big!! His eumgyeong too small!! Does not fit. He look other place to put eumgyeong.

R138, you little FUCKER! You see bitch, Dr Moon! I do not miss a beat! I loved learning Korean names for Dong and Pussy, and clearly, you have taught me well!

Yes, bitch! I am ALL about Brook's Ayer's eumgyeong!!!!!

Why the fuck are you talking about Brook Ayer's vagina (seong-gi!)?? WTF!!!!!

Shit, Dr. Moon. I am not giving you one red cent!

However, I have begun to adore YOU, Theresa, and even LIZA!!!

But Shannon can EAT SHIT! I despise Shannon, and those pig daughters.

Now. Back to my handsome Brooks. (It takes me EVERYTHING to block out his missing teeth and Victoria's cheap teeth implants)

I am dickmatized.

Shannon R129! Enough is enough!

John Janssen's Academy for Underprivileged Young Men has got to be SHUT. DOWN. NOW.

I don't know what John Janssen gets up to at your house, and personally I don't even care, but practically everyone's husband has moved in to your house! Eddie Judge, Doug McClaughlin, Jim Edmonds, Simon Barney, both Keough brothers, Slade. Even Steve Lodge! The list goes on and on! They're spending all their time taking care of the hundreds of young men you've taken in. Their kids are neglected, wives are ignored, whole careers abandoned! (Except Terry. He's in LA.)

So I'm ordering a small missile strike on your house, Shannon. That should break you out of your stupid panic room!

Fucking Dr. Moon confusing he emmoungeyy and the segongi.

What the FUCK!

Am I the only one here who can sincerely hear these words coming out of Shannon, Dr Moon, and especially Heather's mouths??

You guys are BRILLIANT. Best thread, maybe ever!

Shut . Down. Now.

That is exactly what Heather would say!

We have got to SHUT. IT. DOWN. R143

BOOM!

I'm freeeee!

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Free but STILL FAT, R146!

John Janssen, who are all these gorgeous half-naked young men and what are they all doing in my house?

You pay, r139, you pay!!

I put curse on you!! Summon evil demon! Make Shannon call you 500 times day! Call cry all time! Call complain! Call drunk! Call in closet! Call all time and make you crazy!

No stiff! Dr. Moon get paid now!!!

Oh, hi, R149! I haven't met you before.

You must be Mr. Janssen's mother!

Shannon, You are just DIGUSTEENG!!!!!!

Just DISGUSTEENG!

Oh hi, we're just playing some wholesome indoor touch football!

HI, MOTHER JANSSEN! R149

Slow down there, Kelly r152! Humiliating Shannon is our purview!

So many cocks to suck, so many butts to fuck, and SO LITTLE TIME!

Liza??? somehow I feel Liza understands Brook's HOTNESS.. Liza, come on? I know you are in NEED of that meat!

Sho many cocksh to shuck!

Sho many buttsh to fuck!

And SHOOOOO LITTLE TIME!

r157 Shorry shweetie! I've been practishing for the live entertainment I'm providing at John Jansshen's pool party tomorrow night!

And Shannon Shtorms ishn't invited!

Sho many ballsh to lick!

Sho many thingsh to shtick

UP MY AAAASSSSSSSSSS!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dr. Moon on his way home

Well, Our Liza appears to have 3 personalities/entities who decided to post at the SAME TIME.

(Bitches, can you TRY to make this shit appear real?? Jesus.)

However , thank you Liza!!!!! You have not commented on Brook's THICK and LONG endowment!!!!??

Come on, LIZA!!!!!!!

Wow. WOW. Are you happy John Janssen? All your friends are calling me MOTHER JANSSEN! They think I'm your MOTHER! Are you kidding me!

John Janssen is a homo, Shannon. You need a real man who will appreciate your Amex -I mean, your curves.

Why do you think I shlur, r163? Becaushe Brooksh thick schlong ish frequently in my mouth!

Liza ,which of your fag exes does John Janssen remind you of. Peter Allen, Jack Haley Jr or David Gest?

WOW, r167. Okay. Are you serious right now? Does this look like the face of a homosexual!?!

OH, R167, all of em put together! HAHAHAHA!

He hash GREAT tashte!

Sure does, r168!

Mother Janssen R168, can you make us all pancakes? Mr. Janssen told us all about your pancakes! PLease, Mother Janssen? Pleeease?

I don't care what any of you bitches say ... David will always be the hottest OC husband. Not only does he look hung and like he throws a mean fuck, but he would spank your ass mercilessly if you've been naughty!

David makes me LIMP! Good god Shannon, guys? Jesus.

Yet Brooks- with those baby blues (NOT psycho blues, like Davids), balding head, BIG BULGE, kinda fake southern accent, and just the BALLS (big ones, like plums) to fake cancer??

David is disgusting to me. For real. Yuck.

Hot daddy.

Blech! Gross.

I’ve been rewatching RHOC because of the continuing story of Sudden Storms.

I’m going through season 7 and 8 right now and Brooks definitely has big dick energy. It’s the only thing that explains how Vicki, a greedy woman who mistrusts everyone, could be conned into a relationship and cancer scam by such a grifter. He dickmatized her. Imagine what he could have done to Shannon.

It's astonishing to me that Shannon doesn't have a single friend or family member who can convince her to get off this show for her mental health.

Liza Minelli's on the show tonight, folks. She'll tell us what it's like as the live-in entertainment in John Janssen's Home for Wayward Young Men in Orange County, California. How's it going, Liza?

Does Kelly have the HIV?

I heard she has chlamydia, a particularly strong strain of syphilis and Dutch Elm disease, but not HIV. I wouldn’t sit on HER toilet.

Not yet, R179! But I promise to keep trying!

Quick! How many fingers can your man fit up your butt?

Tamra! We need to help Shannan. She's locked in a COVID isolation unit that Jan Janjanssen built in her basement. He's converted the rest of her house to a brothel! I hear Eddie's over there every day.

No ... it's a MALE brothel, Tamra!

Tamra? Tamra?

Hey John Janssen, I loved visiting your Home for Wayward Young Men last week! I'm gonna open the Andy Cohen Institute for Homeless Young Men here in New York!

Oh wow, R183! Are you kidding me? You know what Vicki? You need to calm down. I'm allowed to spend one hour a day in the backyard, and one hour a day binge-eating in the kitchen, then it's back to the panic room for Shannon Beador! Those are John Janssen's rules!

And a BROTHEL, Vicki? A BROTHEL? How dare you imply John Janssen, the most honorable man I know, is running a brothel? That man is taking care of 201 underprivileged young men in my house! The man is a SAINT! There are prayer meetings, math classes, cardio classes, art classes, business seminars... WOW the list just goes on and on!

You know what, Vicki? You're just jealous that I have a great guy like John Janssen and I didn't have to settle for some washed-up, corrupt cop, failed-politician who just wanted to get on tee-vee! You're just jealous that MY wedding will be televised to BILLIONS, and yours will never even happen because Steve is going to leave your horrific ass when you're not on tee-vee anymore! You'll just be a miserable old cunt, Vicki Gunvason, alone in Puerta Vallarta, without a man, without a family, without a camera crew!

And you know what, Vicki? The moment Brooks comes sniffing around again, you'll be really angry at first. But then you'll realize that NO other man in the WORLD will treat you as good as Brooks will treat you. You'll know it'll all be fake, and that he'll drain you dry. But FAKE is good enough for you, because you know you'll never, EVER have the REAL thing.

R186 Go make us some of your famous waffles, Mother Janssen! John said his mom makes the best waffles!

r186 Shannon, why are you so upset? You can't expect to keep me sexually satisfied all the time ... I'm a man, with needs, and you're frigid and don't even like sex. And Skyler, well, he's such a nice young man that he offered to help me out a bit. Don't cry ... he was only trying to be a good Christian and show his gratitude for all I've done for him.

You know, Shannon, you make a lot of this up inside your head. You don't remember things correctly. You accuse me of things that simply aren't true. And then, well, I'm only defending myself at that point. I didn't mean to push you and shove your head against the wall ... but I can only take so much.

You know I love you, right? I would never really hurt you. It breaks my heart that you don't trust me. Please be nicer to me.

Now get back into your panic room, like a good girl, okay? Remember, no one will ever love you or tolerate you like I do.

Oh, WOW R188. You are so right! What was I thinking doubting you? My bad judgement is more painful than a crowbar to the gut! I just need to stop listening to the negative thoughts telling me that literally everything around me is beyond bizarre, and just focus on all the good things life has to offer. I love you, John Janssen!

Shannon! Why are you wearing that hideous outfit?

r189 Shannon! Can't you see John Janssen is no good for you? He's almost as bad as David -- and at least David was well-endowed!

You're already calling me thirty times a day crying about him. I can't take it anymore.

Drop him! Drop him now!!!

Shannon? Shannon who? R190, I'm Mother Janssen! I'm a kook! I make pancakes and waffles! I clean up after all of John's sassy wards. Even John Janssen calls me Mother now, so if I can't be John's wife, I'll settle for being his mommy!

r192 Is only one Mother Beador. Miss old country. Miss Eastern Bloc.

Work hard. Love son. Hate Shannon. Shannon cunt!!

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Vat is waffle r187? Is like walk of baby?

Okay boys! Here's another fresh batch of Mother Janssen's Famous Waffles! Pipin' hot! Eat up boys! You need your energy for all your Bible study and physical fitness classes! I'll see you all at lunchtime!

I mean MOTHER JANSSEN!

Mother Jansshen's Famoush Wafflesh?

My favorite!

Let'sh dancshe.

Hit it, boysh!

Did David Beador jam his fat dong in Eddie’s tight hole?

Wasn't there speculation on DL a few years ago that David was having threesomes with couples? And that he liked being humiliated by men?

Am I completely making that up?

He does look like a freaky bitch.

What happened to Jesus Jugs?

R199! Look. IN. MY. Face. I will not allow such coarse language to be used in Orange County! Leave.

We. Are. Done.

Are you sure you and Terry aren't down for an S&M foursome, r202?

We'll provide the Peruvian flake!

I heard Heather Dubrow gets “comfortable” with German Shepherds and Rottweilers. She’s a real “beast”.

Wow, r203. Okay. Are you kidding me right now?

My kids called you "Dad"!!!!!!!

But they still call you Godzilla, R205.

And I call you "cunt" r205

Brooks or Slade need to swoop in and rescue Shannon from this beady eyed, violent homosexual and his gaggle of little gay boys.

Shannon needs a STRAIGHT con man with a big dick!

I wouldn’t let Heather dog-sit my dog.

You forgot eyebrowless, r208!

Can Shannon roll around in green paint and pretend to stomp Tokyo? I'd like to hire her for my kid's party.

How dare you, R205! I look nothing like Godzilla! And I only breathed fire that ONE time when I drank that flaming shot the wrong way!

Are you kidding me, R211? I would never, EVER debase myself for your entertainment. I only do that for John Janssen!

How come Shannan gets to be Gadzilla!? I'm the star! I'm the most powerful! I wanna be Gadzilla! Nat Mathra! Not Rodan! GAAAAADZILLA!

This thread is 3x as funny when picturing Shannon and John Janssen reading it ...

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Why aren't all homosexuals as nice as Andy Cohen and Jeff Lewis!! I'm DONE with DataLounge!"

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FUCK OFF MRS.ROPER ! YOUR FAG BOYFRIEND IS PULLING A TRAIN IN YOUR GREAT ROOM!!

Doesn’t the entire cast have HIV and a few with full-blown AIDS?

Does John know you're incontinent r216?

I cannot believe you would SAY something like that, R217! Wow! Wow! Are you kidding me? You using that horrible FAG word in 2020? Are you PSYCHOTIC! You are a homophobe, Kelly Dodd, and I'm not afraid to scream it from the rooftops! Now get out of John Janssen's Home for Wayward Young Men!

How do you guys find David hot. Oh my god, he is ghoulish to me.

I respect that he built is own business though.

He's hot here r221

Are you kidding me, R219? So I shit myself 99 times over the course of a 15 year marriage, and suddenly I have a "PROBLEM?" No, David! You had the problem! You gaslighted me into shitting myself!

Very hot.

I guess guys. The two recent pictures are okay- he's just not my type. Oozes mental illness out of those crazy eyes like his pig wife harpy- Shamu La Shannon.

Okay, I admit he gives off a spouse abuser vibe in r224

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Please stop showing me photos of my old face, R222 and R224. Seeing myself before I was beautiful is like a flamethrower blast to the butt.

I got curious about Shannon's family, who really hasn't been featured on the show (with the exception of her mother -- and then only briefly), so I did a little sleuthing.

Apparently her sister works in a relatively high position at Sony Pictures and (it's hard to tell) appears to have never married ... or at least never gave up her maiden name. And has certainly been smart enough to stay off the show.

What went wrong with Shannon?

Oh Shannon R227! That was a classic!!!!! Love you, you old hag!

Also, Shannon's grandparents were kidnapped and held in the trunk of their car for over seven hours:

Retired I. Magnin president describes abduction

The retired president of the exclusive I. Magnin stores said he thought his Christmas meal at a posh hotel would be his last because of a 'psycho with a sawed-off shotgun,' but that he and his wife survived a kidnaping ordeal 'with a few lumps.'

Robert Shannon, 72, said Tuesday that he and his wife, Kathleen, 69, are recovering from the Christmas night kidnaping that ended with the robbery of $40,000 from their home in the Rancho Santa Fe community of San Diego County.

'I thought it was the end. I never thought I would be here,' Shannon said Tuesday. 'We saw their faces, and in police circles, that usually means curtains. But we made it.'

The two were abducted outside the Biltmore Hotel in Palm Springs by a man who forced them into the trunk of their yellow Mercedes-Benz. They were driven for more than seven hours until they got to their home. The initial suspect and another man picked up later ransacked the home and robbed it of $40,000 in valuables.

After being bound and gagged during the robbery, Shannon freed himself and summoned help.

He described the suspect who forced them into their car as 'a real psycho with that sawed-off shotgun,' who gave him 'a few lumps.'

The executive, who retired in 1972, said he weathered the ordeal,'not too bad for an old guy.' His wife, he added, 'is wonderful. She's a brick wall. We're both quite stable people.'

r228 Shannon! You come quick! I discover special cure. Make John Janssen love you again! Make him have no shifty eye! Make him attend to your seong-gi all time! Make him have love for you only! No more hit! No more yell! No more scared in closet! Secret cure. Only grow in Huangshan Mountain. Arrive today, all a way from China.

You take every morning and every night. Must follow direction! Scrape tiny piece into tea cup. Write your name and John name on piece paper and put in cup. Pour boiling water. Wait ten minute. Not nine minute!! Not eleven minute!! Ten minute!! You drink fast!

Only $4,000 dollar for three day supply. You come now! Selling fast! Bring cash!

Um, Dr. Moon R232, was I supposed to eat all those Hangshang Mountain chips in one sitting? I'm not feeling well!

Shannon r233! I tell you no call on weekend! Tired of call! You call all day! You call all night! Call someone else! Leave me peace!!

Even Dr. Moon have no cure for Shannon annoy!!!

Shannon, I didn't know you'd licensed your likeness for Halloween masks!

Wow, r235. Okay. Are you KIDDING me?

I am woman in her 50s who dresses like she's 75!! I would NEVER wear my hair in pigtails!!!

Wow R236, congrats on licensing your pussy's likeness to Fleshlight! David's told me so much about your dried up chomper.

I believe the term is "vagina dentata ," Lesley, dear r237

Shannon dear, I recorded you sleeping last night. You have to have something done about this. You're keeping the whole house up, every night!

Some of my wards suggested I kick you out. You don't want to be kicked out, right?

Vat is fart r239? Like travel far in pass tensed?

R234! Ever since I ate all those Shangchang Chips I've been gaining weight incredibly fast and I can't stop farting! What should I do?

I tell you what you not do r241! You not call Dr. Moon! No call! No call!

You only call to say, "Dr. Moon, I have payment! And payment no check!!"

If call not about payment, I not interested!!!

R240, you need to go back to elementary school if you don't know what a fart is! Here, I'll show you!

Vat is "elementary school" r243? We not have in old country. Is like school where child learn chemistry of element?

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Oh my GOD, Shannon. You should be ashamed of yourself!

I nuclear physicist in old country, r245. Vat is you? Sneaky insurance conwoman!

And I know most important English word for you: CUNT

You're a shneaky inshurance shaleshwoman r245!

John Jansshen, convershely, ish an honesht, upshtanding inshurance shaleshman!

Liza— if you marry John Janssen who will give you away this time? Will you wear white? Who will provide the entertainment?

Liza talks about her dream wedding to John Janssen:

John? Why are these people in my living room? Are these drag queens, John?

R251 Mother Janssen! Go make us some of your famous french toast!

Is Lesley the woman David cheated on Shannon with? Or was that some other bimbo?

It’s a different bimbo. May I have my job back Andy?

Dr. Moon, I've put on 400 pounds! HELP! I'm drowning in my fat and I can't move! John Janssen forces me to eat donuts all day! HELP! I have to pee and my bowels have to be evacuated!

Shut up and eat at your wakeup donuts, R255!

R256! Come quick! One of my donuts rolled off of me and I can't reach it! HELP!

I need that donut!

SAD LAST DAYS OF SUDDEN STORMS

Face it, Shannon. You're pathetic.

Fat Shannon just needs a baptism.

Watching Season 10 Brooks Tells All. What a horrible guy.

Fat Shannon just needs a bath, R260!

WOW, r258. Okay. Are you kidding me? I thought you were my friend!! You and Jeff Lewis are my two gay BFFs!! And you treat me like THIS?

Look at this picture of me and JOHN JANSSEN!!! Do we look happy? Yes! Do we look healthy! Yes! Do we look bathed in the soft glow of lavender? Yes! In fact, John told me if the perfect encapsulation of our relationship: lavender! My favorite color!

R263 You told me your favorite color was light blue! You lied to me, you lying bitch!

I'm sorry John r264!!

I will do better!!

Please don't yell!

What did I say happens to liars, R265?

Me next, r266!!

I've been naughty and need a good spanking from my hot daddy.

Oh, hello R267! Looking sexy as usual, I see.

Eek! R265, get the fuck away from me, you fat slob! I want to pray with Eddie!

Please don't have sex with a man right in front me again, John! No! John! Stay away from that anus!

Mr. Shifty Eye r268! I make you special medicine. You use before sex with man. Special Korean formula! Very discrete! Make your lover happy long time. Call gwanjang. Wife suspect nothing! No ask annoying question! No bother you about "Where you been? Where you been? I cook dinner and wait long time!!!"

I give discount! Only $1,995 for three dose gwanjang. Deep discount! Usually $2,000 dollar!!

Buy today. But no stiff, Mr. Shifty Eye!! No stiff!!

Save your Fu Man Chu medicine for someone else, R270, or I'll kick you all the way back to China. I'm no sissy, Dr. Chang. I'm not afraid to get a little rough.

Wow, r271. Okay. Are you KIDDING me? Dr. Moon is my most faithful quack, I mean, medical professional! He has seen me safely through COVID, measles, mumps, rubella, typhus, cholera, scurvy, rickets, epilepsy, demonic possession, avian flu, mad cow disease, whooping cough, a glass delusion, Bubonic plague, acute melancholy, scabies, fleas, crabs, smallpox, leprosy, and dancing mania!

Not to mention the rarer diseases that only he can diagnosis and treat ... which include hong-yeog, yuhaengseong ihaseon-yeom, pungjin, jangtipuseu, kollela, goehyeolbyeong, gulubyeong, ganjil, agma soyu, jolyu doggam, gwang-ubyeong, baeg-ilhae, yuli mangsang, busin jeon-yeombyeong, geubseong uul, om, byeolug, ge, cheon-yeondu, and nabyeong geuligo chum maenia!!

Dr. Moon is twice the man you could ever hope to be, John Janssen!!!

Darling R272, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you brain damaged? Does your fat have no place else to go now except your brain? Is acting like a fat retard going to be your new thing, Shanny-poo?

Wow, r273!! Your cruel words are like a turning of the rack to my joints!!!

Cruel, R274? I'll show you cruel, you pig. Prepare to watch my worn out VHS copy of A Matter of Time!

If I catch your eyes avoiding the screen, Little Miss Shanny-poo gets a slap.

John Janssen r276! I thought you loved me! You're crueler than David ever was! At least he only beat me (when I deserved it!). You're mentally torturing me!!!

Oh, R277! Does Little Miss Shanny-poo have an opinion? Awww. You're so cute.

Get real. Look at you, Shannon, being all judgey and fat. Just jiggling all over the place in a rage. Your round face is red as a dog's dick. I really hope you don't have a heart attack, Shanny-kins, because I won't be calling 911. There isn't an ambulance big enough to cart you around.

Shannan, when things get out of control tonight, please don't call from the closet!! I'll be getting destroyed all night long by Steve Lodge, dressed like a sexy cop, and won't be able to field 57 scared phone calls.

Read this instead.

I am not doing this!

This. Is. Not. OK! This is low, based BULLSHIT, and I am NOT doing this!

I really fucking hate it when the Victoria impersonator does not type using Viki's accent. It is Steve LADGE, sexy "CAP", not cop.

Also, we really need to hear from Theresa Giudice!! TREE!!!!?????

On point again, Miss Heather.

I'm tinkin' a movin' tuh Orange County, R281. Me and my dorters would love da wedder.

Thanks Tree!!!! (Oh my god I love you)

My dorters. Holy fuck, this thread makes me laugh.

The best part is when I summon Tree or Dr Moon, they respond within seconds!!!!

Where my bitches at!!!

Dr. Moon exhausting r284. On phone Shannon all day. I tell her Shut mouth! Shut mouth! I tell her Be careful! Mr. Shifty Eye will shut Shannon mouth with fist!!!

But Shannon keeping talking! Keeping talking! When I go sleep night I hear Shannon in head. Over and cover. "Dr. Moon! Dr. Moon!" She make crazy! She bother all time!

I just receive new drug. Wholesale. Cost me $30 dollar. Must think of new disease. Tell Shannon. Make her scared. Think she sick. Make her spend money.

She better no stiff! If she stiff I tell Mr. Shifty Eye: you beat Shannon until she agree pay!!

Then I treat her for beat injury and make more money!! Everyone win! Except Shannon!

R285 Dock-tah Moon! You got any creams or oinkment tings for my sun-boined bubbies?

Shannon Beedoors could never look dis good.

r286 Dr. Moon go bed. You no bother!!

R288 Madame Moon, are you also licensed in the Practice of the Healing Hand?

Shannans! Shannans! We gotta go bikini shoppin!

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Shannans Beedoor has homily dorters. Meanwhiles, I only have beautiful dorters.

Shannin just whines, whines, whines. Meanwhiles, I just loves, loves, loves.

Between Fat Shannon, Angry Kelly, and Feral Teresa, the Quiet Woman is going to be rubble. Once you Release the Giudice it’s going to get messy.

So I decided I'm gunna moove my manshin brick by friggin brick from Jersey to the Orange County. I can't wait for me and my dorters to live in Hawaii!

I invoked Tree and I am in heaven.

Brick by friggin Brick, Tree!

We gots Geeter, Glioma, Mesopotamia, and Melasma.

Headin' for da OC!!!! All da dorters!

Shine and rise! Shine and rise!

Dr. Moon make new baem gileum special for Shannon and Mr. Shifty Eye!!

r289 I give happy ending massage

Must supplement husband income. Is hard when most loyal patient stiff all time!!

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WOw. Wow. You better stay out of my way, Little Miss Jersey Girl R299! I'm the Queen Bee around here and Orange County is *my* turf.

We don't flip tables around here. We eat off of them, and occasionally throw plates of food across them, screaming, "That's not my plate you fuckin' bitch!"

Hash Shannon "Shtorms" Beador r300 entered rehab? Her soshial media accountsh have been shilent lately!

Maybe a COVID "diagnoshish" ish the new cover for "She'sh in the booby hatch drying out."

Wow, Liza! WOW! You know what, R301? You are a liar and a shit stirrer! I have never, ever had to "dry out." I am ALWAYS dry!

Well your seong-gi is dry, I'll give you that r302

Are you kidding me, R303? How would you even know the status of my vagina? You haven't approached my little love pocket for six months! You're too busy praying with young men! Whenever I try to turn you on, you pour water on my head and put me in the dog cage!

r304 Shannon! It sounds like you shared with John our little sex games!

Wow, R304, WOW! I have told him *nothing* about our "little sex games", or as I call them, "little perversities forced upon me by David Beador!" When John Janssen pours water on me and locks me in a dog cage, I know he's doing it with love. But when you'd pee on my face and strangle me with a rope, it was just to get your dirty little rocks off. Love was nowhere to be found, and that was always like a machete to the gut.

Fuck, I meant R305. ^

r306 Shannon, you lie! I only strangled low-class hookers with ropes because sometimes I couldn't help myself and I went too far ... think about that the next time you drive by an overpass on the 5.

My hands were good enough to strangle you.

Sorry, r308 is much more effective when it contains my creepy visage

Wow, R308! Do you really think I forgot about the time you convinced me to dress like a stripper and walk on the side of the freeway so you could pick me up and "buy" me? It all sounded so romantic, but you ruined it! You never showed up! I got arrested. They thought I was a real hooker! I almost got shanked sitting there in that crowded jail cell with all those real hookers. You turned me into a dirty slut, David!

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Dirty Slut Shannon:

Liza do you get upset when John Jansshen disappears to minister to the young wards, or does it just remind you of married life with Peter Allen?

Vat is slut r312? Is like snail without shell?

I shtill love John Jansshen r313! Shtraight or homoshexshual, he'sh a freaky deaky shex mashine!

But R315, since you're omnipotent, does it bother you to see John having sex with so many men and little to no women? Shannon loses her shit every time she catches John fucking some guy. How come you haven't lost it like Shannon?

Heavy medication, r316! Lotsh and lotsh of pillsh like Mama!

Did mama teach you nothing, R317? Why don't you find a man who'll want you for you and not your talent? You are a star, Liza, and you deserve better than a closeted homosexual in Orange County! You've got STAH POWAH Liza! Use it!

Sudden Storms is brought to you in part by the Newport Players Playhouse.

Don't miss our August 2nd live Zoom production of 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?: The Musical' starring Liza Minnelli and Lorna Luft.

Tickets available at our website.

And featuring John Janssen as Flagg r319!

YAAAAASHH

I don't think John Janssen is particularly attractive, but he is passably cute in r320

Mr. Shifty Eye r320 I make you special tonic. Guarantee to regrow eyebrow!! Call nunsseob. You take dose three time every day. Never fail! Secret formula! Also make your eye look not so shifty!

Buy now! Just in time for special performance "What Happen Baby Jane?"

Only $1,995 dollar for one week supply! Very cheap!! Just one time only offer!

You pay. You pay right now! I no wait for pay!!!

I'll pay cash, R323. Throw in a couple eggrolls too.

Wow, r324. Okay. Are you KIDDING me John Janssen?

I thought MY egg roll was egg roll enough for you!!!

Ew, R325, you call that gash between your legs an "egg roll?" It's more like a cheesecake folded in two.

r326 Mr. Shifty Eye, you like my egg roll. Much tighter Shannon's egg roll. Much healthy. Give you happy ending. You smile long time.

Discrete. Shannon never suspect.

Cash or credit card only!! Must pay advance.

Haha Shannan R325! I have a Zoom meeting with Bravo in ten minutes to discuss my big spin-aff show. It's all about ME! People will get to see who I really am. I'm nat some shrieking can-woman addicted to plastic surgery! I am a beautiful gaddess and I finally found my Gad, Steve Ladge.

Jealous?

Unless you've got a big cock hidden under that kimono, R327, I'm not interested, henny.

Alls I see when I whenever I see Shannin Beedors is blubber, blubber, blubber.

How's the booby hatch, Shannon?

Wow, r329. Are you serious right now? Madame Moon is offering you an egg roll, NOT a chicken!

I would hope that having a girlfriend is who is a famous chef would have endowed you with some basic culinary knowledge, John Janssen!!

My egg roll ish aged but well-sheashon, r329!

Oopsh! I meant well-sheashoned, John Janshen r329!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

r335 I sent by John Janssen. You keep mouth shut! You not spill lentils!!

You know what, R335? Thanks to John Janssen I'm soaking in love and I'll never be dry again!

Shannon, r337, I'm running out of ways to tell you to quit embarrassing me. Maybe if I slammed your head against a concrete wall that would penetrate your thick skull ... would that do it, Shannon?

You make me so tired. You make me fly off the handle at nothing. Do you think I wanted to push you over the coffee table last night? Did you go blabbing about that to Vicki yet? I know you did. I looked at your phone when you were passed out on Xanax. You're so predictable Shannon. But don't worry. I already texted Vicki pretending to be you and told her it was all a misunderstanding.

If I didn't truly love you, I wouldn't put up with you like I do. You insult me and shit all over our relationship, but I love you, and I would do anything for you. Please love me in return. Please show me just a little bit of respect and understanding. And remember: no one will ever love you like I do.

[John Janssen is becoming so diabolically delightful]

That was like thunderbolt of love into my heart, R338. Wow. You're absolutely right, John Janssen. I do need to change the way I behave. I need to stop being such a bitch to you. I need shut up about you spending all my money. I need to leave you alone when you're in prayer meetings with other men in my bedroom. You have my word that I will be the best Shannon I can possibly be. And whenever I've been a naughty Shannon, you must spank me!

Shannon r340! You tell Mr. Shifty Eye buy my special whip! I make myself. Full of special herb! Make you behave. Make you listen. Make you quiet. Make you less annoy. Use in ancient times for train wife to obey husband. Will make you perfect wife of Mr. Shifty Eye!

Can also use when time for sex! Has many use!

Only cost $6,495 dollar. Handmade! Cheap! Only finest material!

You tell Mr. Shift Eye: buy today!

Whipsh and shainsh exshite me!

Your whip worked just fine, R341, until Shannon decided to eat it. I shouldn't have told her it's made of herbs.

You no worry, r343. No need whip for Shannon. You make appointment with niece! Name Fragrant Blossom. She give you massage. Make you forget your worry. Give you smile on face and opium in pipe! Give you relax! Give you happy ending!

Very discreet!

Only $5,000 for hour massaging! Cheap!

Schedule appointment! Hurry! Pay now! Smile later!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Shannon r345. I give you lesson to be obedient. I teach you tricks, make Mr. Shifty Eye happy. I teach you be obedient wife. Be gentle. Always defer. Take beating no complaint. Never talk back. Have meal on time.

I give you secret knowledge how to keep eumgyeong happy. Make Mr. Shifty Eye lose desire for men! I guarantee!

Only $2,000 dollar for half hour lesson!

You pay Uncle Moon direct. No stiff! You stiff, I get beating!!!

Wowee! Just what I need, R346! Wow! Do you come to me or do I come to you?

I’m watching season 9 again because of Sudden Storms.

Shannon is desperate for David to give her affection and compliments and he is....not doing that. Instead he’s going out of his way to point out what a shrill, needy harpie she is. She is coming across as such a pain in the ass. And why does her head look so enormous in this season? She has a (relatively) small body with a lollipop head. That disappears in later season when she gets fat.

You come me, r347. Read instruction careful! Must follow!

You drive Inglewood! Find Yang Asian Market. You park behind. Come to back door. You know because green 7 on door! Knock three time. Madame Moon answer. She bring you upstairs. Very discreet! If I with client, you wait! You no knock!! You wait in other room until I come!

You pay cash. Cash only!! No paper trail!

You tell no one of location! You tell no one of meeting! You pay no attention to crying girl! Her name Blue Butterfly. Cry all time. Complain all time. No keep appointment. Make client annoy. Make Madame Moon unhappy! Blue Butterfly like Asian Shannon! You no be like Blue Butterfly!

r348 of all the housewives, Shannon really is the most desperate. It's palpable and painful to watch. John Janssen must be freaked out by now. She was probably abused as a child.

Also r348 I think he roughed her up before they went on the Puerto Vallarta trip with Vicki and Brooks

R348 I'm re-watching for the first time because of Sudden Storms. I started with season 9 (Shannon's first season) and I'm half-way through season 12 (Fat Shannon's first season). Shannon gets worse and worse every year!

The only thing I'm on her side about is her feelings for Vicki Fucking Gunvalson, who's just as terrible as I remember her being. Vicki revealing and doubling-down on the David beating Shannon story was evil. Then she basically did it just to get back at Shannon for "ruining" her relationship with Brooks.

Vicki is just as terrible as I remember her being. The entire Brooks drama and the fallout are entertaining to watch again. I actually followed it more closely this time around, and I can't believe Brooks ever thought he'd get away with his con. For a con man, he certainly didn't seem very intelligent, so he's probably only stuck to conning absolute morons. Which explains why he went after Vicki. She is just so pathetic I can't even hate her.

r352 I'm surprised Shannon has stayed on the show season after season. Like NO ONE in her life intervened? She has serious mental health issues and the show has done her no favors.

I'm also surprised that Bravo let the David beating Shannon story line air. I think that was irresponsible and possibly put Shannon in danger.

OOOoooh, R349, I'll be over tonight after I make John Janssen his dinner. I'm dripping with anticipation, Little Miss Blossom!

r354 where do you think you're going, little miss Shannon? Did you ask me first?

You don't listen to anything I say, do you? I told you you need my permission to leave the house to spend money on frivolous things

Forget dinner. I'm going to my men's prayer group and I'm taking your car keys with me. You think about all the things you've done wrong today while you're sitting here, alone, crying about David's pregnant 30-year-old.

And don't forget: I love you.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Hitting the bottle again I see r356

Wow, R357, wow! That was like a bullet to the throat. We have three children together, David! What are they supposed to think when all they ever see is you crushing my soul and shattering my spirit?

Now Shannon r356! Cheer up! Your self-esteem is so low. You should work harder on that. Don't you want to be happy?

Show me that pretty smile!!

!!!!

R359! I'M SO HAPPY!

Great, r361!! Now get back in the kitchen and make me something delicious before I get mad again!!

Dinner's ready, R362!

r363 are you fucking kidding me Shannon? Really? No wonder no one buys your shit food on QVC.

Why do I bother with you? Please tell me that. Just tell me that one thing. What do you have to offer? I could get any 30-year-old in Orange County. Why am I wasting my time here? Do you realize how DRAINING you are? Do you have any idea? No, of course not. Because all Shannon thinks about is Shannon. You don't give a shit about me or how your terrible meals and constant complaining affect me.

Now throw this crap food away and start again, before I shove your face in it!

Are you kidding me, R364? You know I hate it when you critique my cooking. It's like getting hit in the back with a shovel! But I'll try to make it better, John. I always try. That's why I love you. You make me try!

Voila, R365! I decided to whip up some Italian food!

r366 Shannon, I'd clear a path to the closet if I were you!

I've been naughty, R367! Spank me! Spank me! Please!

r368 Shannon, I wait but you no come. Where are you?

I teach you how avoid beating! I teach you how make Mr. Shifty Eye happy!

You come now. Madame Moon angry if I make not enough money.

Shannan! My spin-aff is a go! It's ganna be called 'Whoop it Up' and it's ganna be all about me! Cameras will fallow me around as we get closer and closer to my wedding day. I'll visit Briana and my grandkids, I'll drap in an Michael unannounced to whoop it up, I'll shap for wedding dresses. I hope you'll agree to appear, 368!

r370 any communication with Shannon is through me now, Vicki.

I can't trust her anymore.

John Jansinn! R371! John Jansinn! Tell Shannin I'm takin' ova da Ock while she's locked up in her home.

Shannin! Shannin! Tamra's my new bestie! We both tied for winner at Fontana Sunkist Muscle Miss 2020.

Shannin! Shannin! I made Vicki some casseroles and we're besties now too!

Wow, okay, are you KIDDING me r374?

You said we were friends til the end! I even trusted you with all my panicked late night closet phone calls!!

Shomeone shend shashy John Jansshen my way!

ShanNAN! You've gat some splainin' ta do! Teresa said you said I belong in prison. Why would I belong in prison, R375? What have I ever done that's illegal?

Let's start with this, r377.

r368 Shannon, we wait for you! Blue Butterfly have free appointment today afternoon! You come see Blue Butterfly. She very good. She give you all sex tricks to keep Mr. Shifty Eye happy. He love you long time! No more prayer meetings!

Only $4,000 for hour lesson! Madame Moon give discount!!

Hurry or Blue Butterfly cut wrists!!! You come now!

Help me, Fragrant Blossom! John Janssen's made me a prisoner in my own home! R379, please tell Dr. and Madame Moon to send help! I promise I'll pay them everything I owe them, in cash, if they come quick!

Teresa , your bull dyke cousin Rosie needs to fight that beady eyed homosexual John Janssen for Fat Shannon’s love. She needs a bull dagger to show her what love is.

Shannon r380. You read careful! I help you escape so you keep appointment with Blue Butterfly!

I send package. Mr. Shifty Eye no open! Only for Shannon! Contain many special ingredient. Must be mix and drink immediate! If wait too long has no magic power! You mix, he drink! You follow instructions careful! If does not work, you make mistake. If you have mistake, no refund!!

You put special medicine in tea for Mr. Shifty Eye. He drink! It magic. He set you free!

You now free, you come appointment with Blue Butterfly! No stiff! Cash only! No paper trail!

Blue Butterfly liar! She cry and cry. She tell you she want go home China. She tell you she not my niece. Not true! She niece! She Korean! No listen to lie!!

You pay for special medicine when you meet Blue Butterfly. You give money Madame Moon. $13,995 dollar total. Cheap! All to keep Mr. Shift Eye! Worth it!!

I send package now. No stiff! No refund!

Wow, R382! Your potion worked perfectly! I said, "John Janssen, you let me out of my front door right now!" and he did!

Uh, only problem is, Dr. Moon, I left my keys in the house, and now John won't let me back in. I think he's stuck on only letting people out.

Do you have a potion for him to take so he'll let me back in so I can get my keys? Quick, HELP ME!

OooH, R381. Dat Shannin broad is a crazy bitch, but if yous think I'd have a chance wid her, I'm on da next flight to Orange County!

Teresa, I'm stayin' wid you!

Really, R379? I should be lacked up for that? I just sucked it!

The minute the cameras went away you put that ginarmous thing inside your pussy, yanked it out, and made Lydia lick it!

Now you stay out of my business, Miss Fancy Pants Dubrow, or I'll spill even more of your secrets.

Crap! I meant R378. Not R379. I've gat no interest in whatever that's about!

r383 Shannon! You look for black Hyundai. It drive by another niece. Name Miss Orchid. Very pretty! No argue! No talk back! Smell nice! Play nice music! You no let Mr. Shifty Eye see! He see, her want! Miss Orchid new! Have no client! Have no skill! Need training of Fragrant Blossom first!

Hyundai slow down. You jump in quick! Very discreet!

Be careful! Miss Orchid have no license! Miss Orchid have no papers!

[I like how Dr. Moon has moved from grifter to pimp]

Wooo-boy, Miss Orchard, that was a close one. Did you see how John Janssen chased me to the car? I don't think I've ran that fast in years! So, do we go see R387 first, or do we go to hotel? I bought plenty of cash!

[quote]You no let Mr. Shifty Eye see! He see, he want!

That'sh a bunsh of bullshit, Dr. Moon!

Onshe a man hash had Liza Minnelli, every other woman palesh in comparishon.

So true, R390. So true. Quick, while Shannon's away, let's throw all her stuff in the street and move you in! Hurry, Liza, hurry!

Where are the Beador girls while this is happening? I am certain they’re dancing on a pole in a Anaheim strip club.

That’s what happens when your clinically insane , morbidly obese mother becomes obsessed with an evil beady eyed homosexual and your violent father’s newfound erotic lifestyle prevents him from being a parent.

I would feel sorry for them but being away from those two is for the best and they’re learning a trade.

r391 John Janssen, you need only me. I Madame Jasmine. Cram da la cram. I favorite niece. Favorite of Uncle Moon. Favorite of Madame Moon. I best. I show you pleasure you never know exist. I show you ecstasy beyond wild dream. I worship your eumgyeong. I be your sex slave. You forget Miss Shannon. You forget Miss Liza. You forget handsome man. I am like opium. You have me once and spend rest of life looking again for me.

Very discreet.

One hour and $10,000 dollar. Best $10,000 you ever spend. You no regret. I guarantee.

Cash only. You pay after happy ending.

R392 The old one's at college and doesn't care what's happening to Shannon.

The twins moved in with David and Lesley at some point, but Shannon hasn't noticed yet.

r392 Shannon horrible woman. Ruin David's life. Make him beat her. Make him find other women, women who walk street. Sometimes kill street woman, I help clean up. Want no mess for son. If in old country, I take care of Shannon with rat poison. No question of police. Dispose quietly of body.

Grandchildren happy with David now. Shannon will be sent to insane asylum. Like in old country. I bring paper to David, he sign.

I work hard, love son, miss old country, mourn Eastern Bloc each day.

You and your fellow boy whores better stay away from me, R393! One of you kidnapped my Shanny-poo earlier tonight and I have no idea where she is. Keep her, please!

r389 You look kindly white lady. We drive to airport.

I back to China.

You pay for ticket!

r395, Mother Beador, I think we be good friend.

I too hate Shannon. I too miss old country.

WOW-EE-WOW-EE-WOW, R397! China? Are you kidding me? WOW!

Dang, R398, what's your name? You Italian? Yo I'm kinda new in Orange County, and I'm lookin' for a nice goyl to show me around and stuff. You interested? I'll pay for gas.

r399 you no listen Miss Orchard! Miss Orchard liar!! You return her immediate to Yang Market. She must earn keep!

With all your money for medical treatment I invest in massage parlor. Best in Orange County, call House of Blossom. Employ many niece. Charge much money for massage. Fleece rich Republican man in OC who have yellow fever! They tired of blond bimbo with big tit! They want woman who listen!! Fool proofed plan!! Make much money!

I'm shettling in for today's inshtallment of Shudden Shtorms!

Will Missh Orchard get a flight back to Shina? Will Dr. Moon open Houshe of Blosshoms? Will Roshie win Peggy's heart? Will shexy John Jansshen let Shannon return home? Will Shannon shurvive the COVID?

Sho much exshitement! Sho much intrigue!

Find out today on Shudden Shtorms!

R401! Wow! What an adventure! I was trying to get Miss Orchard to pull the car over and let me out, but she wouldn't. She just kept crying and screaming about her family back in China. She was hysterical! So I punched her in the neck really hard to calm her down, but she passed out with her foot on the gas!

The car jumped a median, crossed five lanes of traffic, and slammed right into Cut Fitness! Luckily, nobody was in the gym except Eddie, as usual.

Hi r403 Shannon!

I was just waiting for John Janssen to drop by ... so we can have one of our hot and heavy "workout sessions"!

Ahhhh Peggy, my dainty Armenian meatbawl. I wanna take you round da world to all da most romantic spots. Vegas, Atlantic City, Bangkok, baby! We're gonna chug snake venom and live on da edge, Peg!

r405 vat is meatbawl? Is like bowl with meat?

r405 in old country you do sin. No husband, no children. Bad for family. Bad for village. You cause shame.

David provide me many grandchildren. Fourth on the way. Better child, better genes. He never violent with children, only Shannon. In old country we whip wayward child. David always perfect. No whip. Perfect son, perfect husband, perfect father. Never do wrong.

Love son, work hard for son. Give him everything he want. I good mother to son. I clean up every mess.

Bahahaha you silly broad, R406. You're da funniest chick I eva met! Will yous marry me, my little meatbawl?

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

You betta listen up, R407, cuz I ain't sayin' dis twice! There ain't nothin' sinful about two women sittin down on eachother's faces! What Pegs and I got that you don't got is LOVE. True love! Pegs loves the way I make her feel with my thumb, and I love her sexy little body!

Why don't you shave your freakin' mustache, r407!!!

r410 you no want woman from Armenia. Too strong attitude. Steal your money. Talk back. Dig for gold.

You call Madame Moon. Ask appointment with Lotus Petal. I special for woman. Know what woman want. I smell like cherry blossom. I like to cuddle. I like caress you gentle. I like to love woman.

You make appointment. Very discreet. Only $6,000 for hour massage. Cheap because you woman.

Cash only. No paper path.

You really mean dat, R409? You really want me to keep away from yous? Dis Spartak guy sounds scary. Is he a barbarian or sumptin?

But I ain't stayin' away, Pegs. I love yous, and I'm neva goin' away.

[I know this is a total MARY!!!!! post, but I really freakin' love you bitches. Sudden Storms is getting me through some dark days.]

Finally, R414, someone mentions my name!

Don't get me wrong, R412, I'd love to finger-bang dat Lotus Pedal broad until she squoits all ova me, but you're askin' too much money. I spent all my money on my flight out here. Foist class all the way, baby! So now I'm crashin' at my cousin Tre's mansion until I get back on my feet. Ya know what, Dr. Moon, I only got $67 in my savings account right now. But I've been romancin' Peggy, my glamorous Armenian meatbawl, and I think she's ready for me to move in her mansion with her. Finga's crawsed!

You got any goils for under $67?

Everythingsh Comin' up Ro-shee!

Is Sudden Storms a dyke drama now? What ever happened to John Janssen's house of needy young men? What ever happened to all the illicit gay sex John was having behind Shannon's back? What ever happened to Shannon?

WOW, r418. Okay. Are you kidding me right now? John has NEVER had elicit gay sex!! In fact, he hasn't even had sex with ME for months!! And if he isn't having sex with me, he isn't having sex with anyone!! In fact, he told me that himself!! After he yelled at me for complaining he never touches me!!!

And I am doing great!!! I'm taking lessons from Fragrant Blossom about how to have the perfect woman for John Janssen!!! She's teaching me all the tricks. And she only charges $3,000 for a half-hour lesson. Can you believe how cheap that is?! The best part is I'm using David's alimony to pay for it. Sorry David!!!

And I'm finally COVID-free due to Dr. Moon's AMAZING and top-secret COVID cure! Oops! Sorry, Dr. Moon! I didn't mean to spill the beans on your top-secret cure!

I'm living and laughing and loving life, Andy!!

Shannon r419. Why are you discussing our relationship with r418 Andy? I explicitly told you not to. Actually, I screamed it into your face after slamming you into the wall! Surely you remember that, Shannon? You cried about it for hours. Just a little push. You overreact.

Our sex life is OUR business and you have no right blabbing to Andy or Vicki or anyone else about it. Do you want me to take a hammer to your phone? Do you want me to throw it in the toilet after it's smashed? Keep it up. That's where this is headed.

Shannon, don't cry. You know I love you. If I didn't love you I wouldn't care all about our relationship at all. But I do, and that's why I want to keep it private. Because I love you, and only you. I love you like I've never loved anyone. I love you more than you've ever been loved.

Oh thank God Almighty you're alive, R419. Sudden Storms is my very favorite show, and it just simply wouldn't be the same if you was written off your own dang show. I don't mind a little bit a dyke drama sprankled in every now and than, but this Rosie bitch is a real dark number. Besides, I miss all that drama with the needy young men. That was scintillating! And that John Janssen is one sexy number! Oooowee!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Welcome Senator Graham r421! Care to join in? John Janssen just ran out to get more Peruvian flake!!

Mr. Janssen! Do you want to join us in the hot tub later??

TREE!!! Oh TREE!!!!!!! I haven't heard from you and need my fix! Weekend plans, Tree??

Waddya want, R425? I'm busy trainin' for Miss Newports Banana Beach Bikini Muscle Rumble 2020. My bestie Tamra is trainin' wid me and she's enterin' da contest too. We supports one anotha and who-eva wins, wins. Afta trainin' I'm meetin' Vicki and Steve at da beach. I tink they wanna thrupples wid me. Den I gotta help Audrianna wid her homewerks. Den I go tutor Italian to Braunwynds Winders-Boork and her baby. Den I'm meetin' Shannins to do shots. Shots! Shots! Shot shot shots!

r425 you need special drug! Exclusive! Arrive today from Seoul! From high mountain, grow at Buddhist monastery which over 800 years old! Call jingyunlyu. Cure for impatient! Cure for bored! You take. You take every day! No more wait for tree. Make you see tree already outside window! Make you relax!

Help Mr. Moon pay for House of Blossom! Then you visit House of Blossom! Many beautiful niece. If you buy jingyunlyu I give you discount at House of Blossom!

Buy jingyunlyu! Buy today! Only $3,000 dollar!! Very cheap!!

Yo I'm trainin' for Miss Newports Banana Beach Bikini Muscle Rumble 2020, too, R426!

I'm gunna impress Peggy wid all my new shiny muscles!

I Spartak, r429. I Armenian gangster. I cousin of Peggy. She say she not interest in you.

Pain scares me not. Prison scares me not. Big lesbian of New Jersey, I show no fear.

You better should watch out.

I destroy you.

You tink I'm scared a you, R429?

Yo, everybody, look at dis! It's Spartak da Barbarian! Conan's retard cousin!

Listen up, Spartak. I don't know whos sent yous to try an scare me, but I know in my heart a hearts it wadn't Pegs. She'd neva treet me dat way. She loves me. I just know it. Peggy loves me.

Now get lost, Spartak, and tell Pegs I'll pick her up at 8.

“ Big lesbian of New Jersey, I show no fear.”

I said that to Danielle Staub once.

r430 You must be careful. Spartak not joke. He help me hide many indiscretion of David. I pay Spartak under table. I protect son at all cost.

Spartak like me. We both miss old country. We both protect son. We both hard on outside, cold on inside.

Vat is Barbarian r430? Is like girl name Barbara but Armenian?

Mother, I know what I want for my birthday. Dear R432, can you please have Spartak kill Shannon? The bitch is bleeding me dry! It's not fair, Mother!

Peggy! R433! Why don't you wanna see me no more? You used ta love it when I fucked ya wid my tumb.

You said yous loved me! Was you just bein' kind?

r434 You no need worry. I have plan.

You ask no questions. I take care of all your problem.

Like in old country, mother love son. Life good in old country. Life simple in old country. Life good in Eastern Bloc. Life hard in America. America full of evil woman like Shannon.

R436, have you told David who his real father is?

R436, tell Little David I say hello and to be good boy.

The mural Mother Beador painted in David's nursery during the final month of her pregnancy:

Um R438 who dat?

Completely breaking character ... the expression in Mother Beador's picture is priceless and I can TOTALLY see someone with that face saying half the things she says.

Carry on!

r439 is correct. Stalin my idol. In village in old country, Stalin statue in middle of town square. I leave flowers each morning. Bow my head, pay respect.

I follow Stalin teaching each day of this life. Work hard, love old country, love Eastern Bloc. Carry always Communist Manifesto. Read it to David while he young boy.

Love Stalin, love Communism, love son. Want no problem for son, clean up all mess.

r435 I wait, Rosie no come. Offer expire soon! I give you special discount! Only $2000 dollar for half hour massage. Guarantee happy ending!!

You come! You no come, Madame Moon give me no food.

Let Lotus Petal eat!!

WPW, are you kidding me? Rosie? David's bitch mother? Teresa? Liza? Stalin? Peggy? John's young wards? Madame Ching Chang Chong!?

Sudden Storms is about SHANNON STORMS BEADOR! That's why it's called Sudden STORMS! It's all about my perfect relationship with John Janssen, my fabulous post-divorce life, the musical career of my homely daughters, my successful QVC line, and my heroic battle with COVID!

THIS ISN'T EVEN YOU'RE FUCKING SHOW, BITCHES!

I see you're too sick with COVID to proofread, r444.

R443 Lodus Pedal, I'd stick my entire head in your pussy if I could. But I am a mere humble penniless dyke, Lodus Pedal, but after I hit it big I'll come back an buy you from dat dungeon unda Dr. Moon's mansion.

Ask Dr. Moon if he gots any broads I can get wid for unda $50.

Dubba You Pee Dubba You!

Da, R444! Da! Seize control of show! Is your show, not their show! They take show from you, and you must take back. Must be swift. Must be brutal. Must be no mercy.

r446 Rosie, you listen careful! We make deal!

You talk Shannon. You tell her: No call! No call! Dr. Moon tired of call! She call all time! Always bother Dr. Moon when he spend time with niece!

If you make Shannon stop call, I give you China Rose. New niece! She just arrive! She plain. Speak no English. Very shy. But eager to please! Deep discount. Only $40 dollar.

She cry all time! You ignore the cry. Have fun! Have happy ending!

You pay cash!

FAT SHANNON AND HER HOMELY DAUGHTERS CAUGHT THE WUHAN FLU! FILM AT 11!

I'm warmin' my tumbs up for yous, R449.

I'm gunna marry dis goil!

Oh my GAD, R450! I hope Jan Janjansan is taking good care of her!

The Chinese Virus only kills old and fat people, so Shannan's screwed!

r451

I'm SHOCKED Shannon didn't mention JOHN JANSSEN in her Instagram post at r450.

Makes me wonder if he's already pulled the plug

Well I better rehearse my crying for Shannon's funeral. We all know she's a goner. I want these tears to look wet.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

You lying bitch, r456. I gave the homely daughters COVID in the hopes they'd pass it on to Shannon.

I'm sick of paying alimony.

It was my mother's idea.

Well, R457, guess who Mudda Beedors payed to carry out da whack?

Yes, r456. David correct. I tell him, Is perfect plan. We give the COVID to Shannon. Is like typhus in old country. Kill her quick. No one suspect. No police ask question.

I did not tell son about rat poison. I slip in medicine from moon doctor. Kill Shannon soon.

No need tell David. He do not need know everything.

Mother Beador love David. Never subject danger to him. Mother Beador loyal to son. Go prison instead of son. Make great sacrifice for son.

David straight up looks like a rapist in r457

Who else does Mother Beador have working for her? So far she's got Spartak the Barbarian, and Teresa Giudice.

There have got to be more. Mother Beador has her tentacles everywhere in Orange County! She's probably got an entire rogues gallery working for her.

You ask too many question, r461. In old country question dangerous. Question lead to police knocking at door, take away mother, take away father. Whole family arrested. Curiosity lead to gulag, in gulag, no more question.

I love family, I learn, no question. Head down, no smile. No laughing.

Life hard in old country. No joy. Work hard. Winter in heart every month. But life good. Love son. Sacrifice for son. Ask no question of son.

Detective R461, just because you expose grifters doesn't mean you're equipped to take on Mother Beador. Trust me, just the fact that you're asking questions about her is enough to get you killed. I'd really keep it quiet, if I were you.

Did some detective work today. I spent the whole day at the beach walking around tapping people on the shoulder and asking them if they work for Mother Beador. Not one person said yes, and I must have asked at least 200 people. Did get plenty of weird looks though. Will cover a different beach tomorrow.

This evening I visited the strand as well, r464. I saw the setting sun dance and frolic on the horizon, and as darkness began to cover the earth, I turned to go back to my humble dwelling. And then a figure touched my shoulder. Ghastly, feverish, face gaunt, eyes vacant, hair unkempt and straggly. She looked desperately at me, opened and closed her mouth without a sound, and then said barely in a whisper, "David! David!" I pushed her cold hand off my shoulder, very unsettled, and sent her away. Her weeping echoed across the strand; it seemed to stretch pitifully from one corner of the world to the other, a long rope of pain, of longing, pulled taut, as if the tension would finally break the poor woman's soul.

And then I saw a man, one John Janssen, I have been told, whose small eyes were imbued with a strange mendacity . He cried out after the desperate woman, "Shannon! I have bared my soul to you, and yet you run! Come back! Come back! You have rent my poor soul, have torn it asunder. My misery is deeper than this ocean before us." And then he ran off after the woman, like a phantasm in the night, and they disappeared from my view, two ghosts haunting the empty strand.

As for me, I lingered on that strand for a while, underneath the full, bright moon, watching the spectacle unfold before me; I watched Shannon, and John; I watched their sorrow and their cries, like the flowing and reflowing the tide. And then all at once the world went silent, and I wondered how anyone could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers on that quiet beach.

I'm sho exshited for the nexsht inshtallment of Shudden Shtorms!

Let me make sure everyone ish up to shpeed!

The lasht we shaw Shannon, she was en route to the airport with Miss Orchid. But Dr. Moon intervened and demanded they return to Yang Market!

Ash for Dr. Moon, he ish trying to set up Houshe of Blosshom, a "masshage parlor" to sherve the rish white men with yellow fever in Orange County. (I hear there ish a bunsh of em!)

Shpeaking of the OC, Roshie Romanshe hash recshently relocated to Orange County. She ish shmitten with Peggy Shulahian. But Peggy ishn’t intereshted and hash enlishted her coushin, Shpartak the Barbarian, to shtop Roshie’s advanshes.

David and Shannon’s homely daughtersh are all fighting the COVID. Shannon ish too, although a little bird told me COVID is the new cover for booby hatsh!

And finally, Mother Beador shtill mishesh old country, shtill mournsh Shtalin, shtill lovesh shon.

Shee you later!

The word dorters is now my favorite word for 2020.

Diesel Butch Bull Dyke Rosie, Tree, that CUNT Shannon and her ugly as dog shit daughters, David's mother from Bulgaria, Creepy David (You guys are blind, that guy is singularly unappealing) Dr. Moon, the Korean masseuse lady, Victoria, Heather, the forgotten one- Peggy, Kelly, and did I mention, Tree (and her dorters) and of course- Lizsha-

What a party. For me this thread does not get old.

r467 it's a face that says, "I can buy you, torture you, rape you, kill you, dispose of your body, and be home by 5:30 for dinner with the family"

Steve Ladge loves to loofah my stretch marks!

Megan- You nailed it.

I find him disgusting-

I would take Shannon's new guy over David, in a heartbeat.

But my heart belongs to Dr. Moon.

And frankly, Rosie is manlier than all of them.

Can you picture the monster Rosie becomes when she throws on the strap-on? She must be a BEAST who oozes testosterone and pounds the hell out of Shannon.

Yo R449! I want my money back!

When I finally got China Rose back to my room, it took tree hours for me ta convince da broad to take her close off! Then after I finally got her ta lay down on da couch, I stuck one a my tumbs in her twat, and the udder one in her ass, and dat crazy broad clenched up, sat up strait, and broke both a my tumbs! I kicked dat bitch out on da street!

I don't want no more Asian whores! I don't want Peggy no mores! I want Shannon Beadors!

r470 you in luck! I offer new service. Fortune-tell massage! Only use wrist. No happy ending!

I put finger on wrist, feel pulse. Know future from heartbeat! Use in ancient Korea. Very famous! Famous monk, name Baekhyun, he perfect the wrist fortune tell! It never fail.

Predict wealth, predict happy, predict successful, predict romance, predict famous!

I teach my niece the wrist fortune massage. They eager to learn! When niece tell fortune, I predict happy ending.

Only $2,795 for one fortune tell. Cheap! You no like fortune, I tell again. You pay again!

Yo, are yous fuckin' crazy, R472?

I just spent my last $50 on a whore dat broke my tumbs! I'm livin' on a fuckin pullout in Tree's basement. I gotta ride my adult tricycle everywheres I go. It's tuff out heres in Orange County!

I just wanna job. You hirin', Dr. Moon? Do yous need a body guard at da office or sumthin?

Wow, r471. Okay. Are you KIDDING me right now?

I am an upstanding CHRISTIAN woman who is dating an upstanding CHRISTIAN man. In fact, he even helps wayward young men to find the path of righteousness! He makes sure they spend sufficient time on their knees.

Focus on the Family, and my very CHRISTIAN boyfriend with STRONG family values, told me same-sex relationships are a sin! Would Shannon Beador ever sin?! Of course not! Would Jon Janssen ever lie to me? Never!

Now please leave Orange County and go back to whatever public housing unit you left in Jersey! Here in the OC, we only accommodate yellow fever! I don't know what that is, but Dr. Moon said it's serious! In fact, he's setting up a place called House of Blossom that is solely devoted to treating yellow fever. Isn't that nice of him?

Yo yo yo R474, I got da cure for Corona and it's called my big rubba cock!

Lemme take you out ta dinners and dancin! Then we'll go to a piano bar and get ta know one an udder better. Then I'll take yous home and strap on my rubber monsta and fuck you until da sun comes up! You'll forget all about dat fag John Jenson!

Whattya say, Shannon?

r473 I use your service. Need someone to watch the niece. They try run away. They try manipulate client. Tell that "I from China! I want back to China!" Lie all time. Cry all time. Tell secret of Dr. Moon. Spend Dr. Moon money with no permission. Take opium not for them. Cause much headache.

When House of Blossom open, you hired. You keep watch over niece all time. Too much work for me. I spend my day in leisure. No time for niece.

We pay very nicely. $20,000 dollar a month, plus opium. But you must never tell of job. You must never tell of nature of House of Blossom. Secret. If you tell, we find way to kill. No escape.

We pay you under chair, only cash. No trail of paper.

Hey hey hey, R476, I can get paid to watch a priddy Korean broad take baths and shit?

Sign me up, Madame Moon!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Shannon, you're fat, you're obnoxious, you treat me like shit, you embarrass me all the time, you don't listen, you don't respect me (newsflash: I'm the MAN in this relationship and it's your role to accommodate all my desires, sexual or otherwise), you're a terrible mother, you're a drunk, you're extremely credulous, you couldn't handle law school, you couldn't handle marriage, and you ruin all your friendships.

Now ... think about yourself. And have I left you? No. I'm still here, every day, putting up with your shit.

Isn't that proof for you that I love you? Could my love be any purer?

Remember: I love you more than you'll ever be loved. If you leave me, you'll never find anyone else who will tolerate you.

Good people of DL, I need your help!

John Janssen wants to watch his VHS copy of Arthur 2 with me today. Can you tell me if it's a good movie? He said it's one of his favorite and he said I can't leave the room until it's over. This feels ominous!!

Yo R480! How you gonna be wid a guy who tawks to you like da way R479 does?

I would neva tawk to yous the way John Janssin does! He tawks to yous like you're his slave or sumthin. It ain't right!

And I'd neva force yous to watch Artur 2 on Da Rocks! We'd only eva watch da Tree Stooges on my tablet!

I'm gonna punch dat John piece a shit into da ocean next time I run into him!

You think hard and long, r481. Mr. Janssen contact me. He mean strict business. Offer me hit job to anyone who tries to come between he and Shannon.

This is no joke. I don't know fear. My heart is ice. My soul is like iron. My mind is colder than Mother Beador.

Well, R482, I ain't jokin' neither!

I'm gonna get my Shannon away from dat John piece of garbage if it's da last ting I do!

I also don't know no fear! My heart is FIYUH! My soul's made a STEEL! My mind is HOTTER dan Shannon Beadors!

Rosie r482, you must learn be gentle. All women should be for gentle. Delicate, like petal of the flower. Soft, like feeling of the silk on skin. Quiet, like fall of snowing. Obedient, like broken horse. If you all these traits have, then you get what you desiring. Shannon need gentle. Beat by husband, control by boyfriend. Too much violent. Need calm, need soft caress of woman hand.

I teach you how! I give lesson when you work at House of Blossom. Will be no cost. We no tell Madame Moon. We no tell Uncle Moon.

I give you lesson, then you buy ticket for me back to China. You take me airport with secret. We make deal.

How sound to you, Rosie? You like? I good teacher.

Rosie, r483, I make mistake. Be no mad. r484 meant your eyes only.

Rosie must be HUNG LIKE A MOOSE!!!!!!!!

The call from Shannon’s Covid deathbed to David, announcing that she gave it to the homely daughters, must have been EXPLOSIVE

r487 My only regrets are that I didn't beat you more severely, didn't have more affairs, didn't humiliate you on national TV enough, and wasted my magnificent sperm on children with you.

Bye, bitch!

Ok, so Mother Beador had David Beador and/or Teresa Giudice infect Shannon and her kids with COVID-19.

Teresa's cousin Rosie is in love with Shannon Beador.

Rosie was recently obsessed with Peggy Sulahian, who is cousins with Spartak the Barbarian.

Spartak works for Mother Beador from time to time.

John Janssen hired Spartak to keep other people, in this case Rosie, away from Shannon.

John Janssen's connection to Mother Beador is probably a lot deeper than them both paying Spartak to do their dirty work.

And where do Dr. Moon and the mysterious Madame Moon fit in to all of this?

I must keep digging!

Well, R484, I can probably getcha a spot in a shipping container or sumthin that's headed to Asia. Dats all I can afford rite now. I start workin' at House of Blossom in anudder coupla weeks, and I don't got no money to my name.

I'd love ta loin everyting ya got to teach me, cuz I wanna rock Shannon Beador's world and make her mine foreva. But I'm poor, Plum Blossum!

You think I can ask Madame Moon for an advance on my salary?

r490 Roshie, I love ya! You're becoming my shecond favorite character on Shudden Storms!

If it weren't for my burgeoning relationship with John Jansshen, I'd turn leshbian jusht for you!

Thish one'sh for Roshie.

Hit it, boysh!

Can I have a role on Sudden Storms? Pleeeeease?

Aw I love yous too, R491.

HEY!

Do you know Barbra Streisand? Now DAT'S a singer!

R492 Of course! But crop Fat Shannon and Ugly John Janssen out of that pic first! Ew! Uggos!

Blasting on Rosie's ipod as she pedals around Orange County on her adult tricycle, obsessing about Shannon Beador:

R480! Help! Steve Ladge lost 4 bullets up my butt! I usually push em out, one at a time into Steve Ladge's mouth, but he used the wrong kind of bullets this time, and I can't push em out and Steve's yelling at me!

Help me Shannan!

Hey Hotel Queen R492, you got any good Shannon and John stories?

r496 Vicki! You no need Shannon. You need Dr. Moon Magical Oolong Enemas®! Own special formula. Remove toxin! Remove bullet! Remove bullshit!

Made from secret ingredient found only TIbet. Very risky to obtain! Must sneak into Tibet - cannot get special visa from Chinese government! I hide in trunk. Smuggled by Plum Blossom's cousin name Wang Senqing. He know secret way.

We travel through mountain to monastery. Very remote! Monk very old! Very wise! They grow special ingredient of Magical Oolong Enema® in their garden. They sell to me for much money. Then I sneak back Chengdu. Once in Chengdu I look for new niece. Wang Senqing know many beautiful niece. He help me bring niece home for House of Blossom. (You tell Steve: Visit! He have happy ending!)

All very risky. Put myself in danger.

You buy Magical Oolong Enemas® today! Very cheap! Only $8,000 dollar for thirty day supply. Remove many bullet! You friend Shannon. Deep discount!

I tell Shannon, I tell you: No stiff! No stiff! You stiff, Wang Senqing find you!

r498 Gurl you have NO idea!!!

Sorry Kelly r497! r499 's for you!

I want your Chinese enama, R498! I NEED IT! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Steve Ladge said that if I don't shit the bullats out, he's ganna shoot em out! Help!

OK R500. I'm gonna buy you a drink and you're gonna tell me everything!

Throw in an eight ball of Peruvian flake and you've got a deal!!

r503 I get Peruvian flake. Know man name Little Sergei. He get best. I offer good price. We make deal when you off shift. I wait in back hotel in white Cadillac.

But not as good as old country. In old country, even kokain better.

It don't feel sho good to shtrut,

If ya got four bulletsh up your butt!

Someone call her a doctaaaaa!

I swear to fucking christ we have 2-3 posters here AT THE READY 24/7 ready to respond as any incarnation of our OC and NON-OC Favorites at the speed of lightning.

And I AM HERE FOR IT!!!!!

Its a lot of fun.

I knew bulldyke Rosie would become a favorite- Even Lizsha says so! And they are twins!!!!

How's it hanging, Rosie!!!!!!

Oh Holy Shit! Hey Spartak! R504 How've you been man?

Hey R503, just come over to my house. Spartak can deliver yours hear when he drops off mine.

Hurry!

I am now a fan of David's CUNT Bavarian Mother. Did anyone notice that she has a mustache??

What a creeper!!!!

Like mother like son! Hey Shannon- NO WONDER YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE SO FUGLY!!!!!

What a gene pool of mental illness, anger, and PIG!

r506 yes and Coke Head Hotel Queen is a cast member now apparently.

And Wang Senqing will make some cameos -- he's apparently Dr. Moon's Chinese gangster connection and supplies many of Dr. Moon's nieces ...

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

r508 I not Bavarian. I hate Germans. Only East Germans okay. West Germans capitalist scum. I scale Berlin Wall to kill West German.

In old country woman have mustache. Show virility. Show loyalty. Sign of hard work. Sign of love for country. Sign of love for family.

Love son. Help son. In old country if son go to jail. I meet with judge. Make judge smile. Son not go to jail then.

Old country, better system. Eastern Bloc, better laws. Stalin, best leader.

Christ. I am digging that little smiling gay hotel clerk! Where he at!?? Clerk!!?? Tell us about yourself! Its a party here! Don't be shy!

Just wait until I get that blow, r513, and I'll be talkin' and suckin' and fuckin' all night!!

Where are you, R514!? Spartak's getting really impatient and really angry! HURRY THE FUCK UP!

Just servicing John Janssen, r515, so I can get that last $50!!

Don't worry about it, R516, I sucked Spartak off so he'd leave your Peruvian flake. I know you're good for it. Take your time.

Look at that little queen! He's in seventh heaven! More from him, Rosie, Tree, David's CUNT mother, Liza, and Rosie.

Wow 518. Okay. Are you serious? This thread is about ME!!! All these other characters are ruining it! Who cares about Alexei or Slobodan or Bartok or whatever his stupid name is. I can't pronounce it anyway! Who cares about Lady Ching Chang Chong and all those other girls from Japan! Who care about Rosie and Liza -- are they the same person?

This show is about my PERFECT LIFE ... my marriage to David was PERFECT! HE DID NOT BEAT ME!! My relationship with gaslighting John Janssen is PERFECT! He is NOT CONTROLLING!!!!!

If you don't start paying attention to me, I'm going to go craaaaazy! And then David and John Janssen will conspire to 5150 me!!! And then what would the homely daughters do???

Yo R518, don't you tink Shannon might as well accept me as her lesbian lover already? I can show her da world! But I know John Janssen will do everyting in his power to crush my ass, I just knows me an her was meant to be togethaa forevaa! I ain't scared a no John Janssens!

Shannon baby! So glad I ran into you! R519, I love yous so much! I wanna sweep yous off your feet and take yous on a swirlwind tour a da world! I wanna make Sudden Stoyms a romance! John Janssen is a horrible person wid some shady connections. You ain't safe around his shifty gay ass!

Kick that fucker out and let me move in wid you! You'll be so HAPPY, Shannon!

Calm down before you have a heart attack, R519. Me and Hotel Queen are gonna talk a whole bunch of shit about you as soon as he gets to my place. You'll have plenty to freak about soon.

WOW, r521. Okay. HOW DARE YOU talk that way about John Janssen!! I'll have you know he's NEVER hit me ... with a fist ... repeatedly ... and then driven me to the ER!!! Does that look like true love to you? Because it does to me!

He only yells at me when I deserve it!! He only pushes me when I don't listen! He only slams my phone against the wall or tries to flush it down the toilet when I spend too much time on apps and not enough time making his dinner!!!

Sudden Storms IS a romance! It's about my romance with JOHN JANSSEN! He is the best man I've ever dated and this is the most normal relationship I've ever been in!! Which says a lot, because I've dated some great men!

John Janssen looks like an alkie in r523

R523, you know you want dat scumbag outta your house! Yous just too scared to admit it. Don't be scared a change, Shannon! I spent every penny I had on flyin out here to Orange County, wid no plan, and only my cousin Tree's foldout in da basement to sleep on. I had my troubles adjustin to stuff around here, and I tought about goin' back to Jersey, but da second I laid eyes on you, I knew you needed me! Let me take you to my favorite pizzaria and plead my case. Shannon, I love yous!

Fucking Rosie KILLS ME!

Hey, TREE!!!??? Where you at, bitch!?

Shannon- GO FUCK YOURSELF. You are the definition of a Frau and HARPY.

John hates you.

r525 you come House of Blossom tomorrow. Start work early. We had two niece run away last night. I smoking opium, so not notice. Dr. Moon mad! Waste of money! Waste of profit!

You watch niece all time. They no run away.

You have more money for Shannon.

Yous got it, R527! I'll be dere when da sun comes up. I can't wait to oin some money!

By da way, Madame Moon, can I get an advance on my salary? I'm hopin' to romance Shannon Beador and I got 56 cents to my name. She's no cheap date, dats fah sure!

Why can’t that possum faced bitch Tamra give Rosie a job. She seems strong, she’d make a great trainer or director of security for CUNT Fitness.

[post redacted because independent.co.uk thinks that links to their ridiculous rag are a bad thing. Somebody might want to tell them how the internet works. Or not. We don't really care. They do suck though. Our advice is that you should not click on the link and whatever you do, don't read their truly terrible articles.]

Let'sh try again!

Good night, Shannon Shtorms! Good night, Handshome John Jansshen! Good night Roshie and Kelly Dodd and Dr. Moon and Madame Moon and Tre and Vicki and David and David's commie mother!

Good night, newcomersh! Good night Shpartak and Wang Shenqing and Hotel Queen (you're sho cute!)

See you all tomorrow. I'm sho excited!!

r531 in old country, we not say "good night." Night never good in old country. Night cold and dark. Day cold and dark. Work hard all day, Sleep hard all night. No time for play. No time for joy. No time for laughter. Night bring secret police to door. Ask hard question. No happy ending in night in old country.

But old country good. Have hard bed, good for body. Have cold room, good for soul. No need for joy in old country. No need for laughter. Son enough for me. Suffer much. Suffer all for son.

I just check niece bedroom. All niece accounted for.

Today woman name Rosie come. She help. She keep niece in the line. She help House of Blossom make much profit. She expect pig pay. But we stiff. She not know. She work long time, we pay her small amount.

She American. She big nose. She stupid. Is okay. If she complain we send Wang Senqing. Then she no more complain.

Yo yo yo R533 I'm here ta woik my foist day at da International House a Blossoms! So, Madame Moon, do yous want me to just stand around starin' at the goils, or do I get to oil em up? Do any of em need a massage? Foot rubs? Sweet caresses?

Good lucks on yas first day a woik, R534. I'm supa proud a ya! Hopefully you make enough money to getcha own place ta live.

I can't take anudda night of yous sobbin' in my basement cuz yous is lonely.

r534 you keep niece in room. You make sure they no have cell phone. You make sure they never leave. You make sure when yellow fever big nose man come, they dress. They pretty. They make up face. They no complain, they no cry. Must be like fantasy. OC man pay for submissive, you must assure their submit. OC man no pay for attitude, no pay complain!

You must rule niece with steel fist!

You got it, R536! I won't letcha down!

Hey, Madame Moon, you got any uniform I should wear? Somethin flashy with pizzaz? I wanna impress Shannon Beador if she ever sees me comin or goin from woik.

R529 We can't hire any new staff at this time. Only Eddie's on payroll. Times are tough!

You wear clothes r537. Detail no matter. Big nose woman always ugly.

You good to have. Remind yellow fever big nose man about white woman. White woman too loud. Too bossy. No defer. No obedient. You make niece look more attractive to yellow fever big nose man. He spend more money.

Mother R532 dear, the COVID isn't killing Shannon. It's just making her spend more of MY money on her stupid medical treatments.

I told you germ warfare wasn't drastic enough.

We need to kidnap her, beat her up every day for a month, then chainsaw her into little pieces and feed her to the sharks.

David, r540. You worry. You stress. No worry. No stress. You first-born son. You have everything.

In old country, first-born son like king. Like emperor, like god. First-born son never suffer. Nothing unpleasant in first-born son life. First-born son on throne. Mother clear the path, make everything easy for first-born son. Bring him woman of street. Pay for happy ending. Clean up mess after. Call Spartak for removal of body.

Stop worry, r540. We in new country, but old country best. We live like old country. We love old country. Outside home, Orange County. Inside home, Eastern Bloc. Stalin on wall. Communist Manifesto on shelf. Mustache on face. Love for son in heart.

I'm not worried, R541! I'm just sick and tired of paying through the nose to maintain Shannon's dingbat dumb cunt lifestyle. The thought of her spending another penny for one of Dr. Moon's Ancient Chinese secrets sends me into spasms of hatred! The image of her giving that homo John Janssen a $15,000 weekly allowance with MY money gives me the angry shits! It's not FAIR, Mother!

Yo Madame R539, two a yous nieces is fightin!

Dey was bored sos I popped in my vhs copy of Funny Goil. Five minutes lata, dey started screamin at each udda in Chinese, and da next ting I know, dey was clawin at each otha and pullin each udda's clothes awf!

I'm gunna use dat sledge hamma you gave me to break em up!

Ok. So Teresa Giudice's cousin Rosie works at Blossom House, a "massage parlor" run by the woman known only as "Madame Moon," who I've learned may be married to the infamous healer Dr. Moon, who's #1 patient is Shannon Beador, who used to be married to David Beador, the #1 son of crime boss Mother Beador, who Teresa Giudice, Spartak the Barbarian, and maybe Slade Smiley sometimes work for.

I wonder if Mother Beador and Madame Moon are friends or enemies?

r544 Madame Moon born in China, get married to Korean Dr. Moon. Real name Yang Qinxi. Madame Moon is the original niece.

She Chinese. She my comrade.

Understand struggle. Understand to suffer. Understand great sacrifice. Understand spirit of Marx.

She love country, love communism. She love Mao, like I love Stalin. She have mustache hidden under makeup.

Shannon, look at yourself. You're so boring and unremarkable you can't even hold the attention of viewers on the show of which you are (ostensibly -- oh, I forgot, you're limited, here's a dictionary) the star. Madame Moon, Kelly Dodd, your evil ex-mother-in-law, an Armenian gangster, a hotel queen, a dyke from New Jersey, and Liza Minnelli herself all get more screen time than you.

You're a mess, and it's not entertaining. It's embarrassing. How do you think I feel? Oh wait, you wouldn't care. Shannon Beador thinks about Shannon Beador, and no one else. It's no wonder David left you.

And yet, I stay. I put up with your lazy, unstable, uninteresting ass every day. Does that look like true love to you? It looks like true love to me.

Now make me breakfast and remember -- no one else loves you like me.

Moooooom, I found twelve used condoms all over my bathroom. You said you wouldn't let anyone use my bathroom while I'm away at college! Not cool, Mom! Do you and R546 have sex in my bathroom? Why is there shit all over the condoms? You told me you never do anal. You said anal was only for homosexuals and prostitutes!

Wow, Mom, just WOW!

Shannon, guess what? I just got the lead in the Newport Playhouse's Zoom production of APPLAUSE! There's already talk of taking it to Broadway!

I hope you and John Janssen can watch the live premiere! Tickets are only $700!

Shannin! Shannin! I jus found da poifect house fa me and my dorters ta live in! It's brand new, way bigga dan my old house, way way way bigga dan your house, and, best of alls, it's right next doors to yous! We gonna be neighbors, Shannin!

Holy shit Shannon, the Hotel Queen told me what happened to you at the hotel. You convinced John Janssen to let you go down on him in the elevator, and the second his dick hit the back of your throat you threw up all over him and shit your pants. You were so distraught that you bawled your eyes out and rolled around in your vomit and shit, flailing like a maniac. You kicked John in the dick and he grabbed you by the throat and squeezed it to calm you down. But that didn't even work! When the elevator doors opened, you jumped up and attacked a whole family of German tourists. You threw a little girl against a wall! Then you shat out another gush of diarrhea, screamed at the Germans to leave you alone, and sprinted down the hall to the stairwell, where you left another puddle of vomit. You ran down to the lobby and punched an elderly women who got in your way, shoved a large potted plant over, shoved handfuls of dirt in your mouth, and started rubbing your vagina. When the Hotel Queen finally ran over to you and tried to pick you up off the floor, you tried to bite him in the crotch, and then you tried to unzip his pants, gnashing your teeth like a maniac. People were screaming! A guest at the hotel had to pull out a gun and put it to your head to get you off Hotel Queen. Then you threw up all over him, pushed him down, and ran out onto the street. A bus almost hit you, and swerved and hit a fire hydrant. Then you forced your way onto the bus, scratched the driver across the face, and started licking all the terrified passengers. One lady beat you with her umbrella! Then you started to drive the bus! You drove those people to Pasadena, Shannon! You're lucky you didn't get caught!

[quote]When the elevator doors opened, you jumped up and attacked a whole family of German tourists. You threw a little girl against a wall!

r550 Shannon do one thing right in whole life. I hate West Germans. I scale Berlin wall to kill West German capitalist scum.

No love for country. No love for legacy of Marx. No love for Walter Ulbricht.

Woman in West Germany shave mustache. No mustache. Bad woman.

Yo R549! You gotta lemme move in wid you and your dorters. I don't got enuff money saved from woiken at da Blossom House to get my own place yet.

Dis time, steda makin me sleep in da basement, lemme gedda room dat ova-looks' Shannon's hot tub! I wanna serenade Shannon from my window while she takes a nude dip in da jacuzzi!

R552, caws yous fambly, you can live in a tent on da balcony dat looks ova Shannin's garage. But yous can neva go in my house and yous gotta come an go by climbin up an down da trellices.

r539 Madame Moon, I'm starring as Yum-Yum in an upcoming production of The Mikado at the La Jolla playhouse.

We were wondering if you could spare any of the nieces to use as extras?

Yo R554, if yous wanna get at any a Madame Moon's goils, you're gunna have ta get troo me foist!

Is not possible r554. Let niece out of House of Blossom, never see niece again. Dr. Moon lose money. Get mad. Will not buy Madame Moon opium.

Is not possible r554. Let niece out of House of Blossom, never see niece again. Dr. Moon lose money. Get mad. Will not buy Madame Moon opium.

r556 Hi Madame Moon! Ching ching chang chang ching chang chong!

That's all I got!

Evrythin's okay now, R557, but I jus wanna report dat tree of ya nieces got into a meat cleava fight dis aftanoon. I broke up da fightin by stickin my tumbs up Berry Blossom's butt. But Coco Blossom and Peanut Blossom kept fightin and fightin so's I had to trow Berry Blossom at em to make em stop. Peanut Blossom lost two fingas in da fight, by da way.

r503 Queen of Hotel. I provide eight ball Peruvian flake, receive no payment. Unhappy.

I come to hotel in one hour. I wait in white Cadillac. You have money. Or else I use crowbar. You no more kneel for lover.

This is not joke. I have no feeling. I unmoved by tears of man. I show no mercy.

R560, why you needle in to my turf space?

Ah-HA, so Spartak the Barbarian has a twin brother, Bartak the Barbarian!

Bartak, you be more careful. Now r562 knows. You always weakest link. You always pull off our cover.

You must be better. Or else I bring in the worst of them all. The paragon of terror. The master of revenge. The nightmare of old country who put secret police to shame: Mother Beador.

I'm gettin' ready for a Shhhpartak Attaaack!

I'm gonna wind up flaaat on my baaack!

I jusht can't wait for my Shpartaaak Attaaaaaack!

A fortnight ago I saw two shadowy figures on Newport Beach, one Shannon Storms Beador, one John Janssen. This morning on my daily constitutional I passed Crystal Cove; I saw the sprawling estate, the one called Stormy Manor. Stormy like those dwellers within. It had a sad appearance, and I knew all was not well.

I could not contain my curiosity and knocked gently on the door. "I am just a neighbor," I said quietly to the beady-eyed, intoxicated man before me. For a moment I feared violence, but with palpable indifference, he opened the door and allowed me in.

And what I saw, dear reader, is etched into my brain as if burned by a red-hot poker. In an upstairs bedroom lay the woman from the strand, barely living, it seemed, her wrists and ankles were restrained, no doubt out of concern and not cruelty. The smell of decay and infection flew into my nostrils, where it still lingers, an awful reminder of the horror before me. Her pallid skin stretched gaunt across her bones: it was as if a skeleton occupied the bed, or a ghost, and not a human woman. She groaned, more like an animal than a person, and writhed against her restraints. She tried to speak, and tried again, and failed. I leaned close, as if possessed by an unseen specter, and she whispered in a barely perceptible voice: "David! "Oh, my David!"

I turned, unable to tolerate the wretched scene. I ran past the man named John Janssen, who scowled and pushed me toward the door. “Get out! Get out! You must never return!” I ran from Stormy Manor like a man possessed. I ran from Crystal Cove.

But that visage still haunts me, the longing eyes, the pathetic mouth, the sunken cheeks.

As I fled, I thought I saw one David Beador, the man still on that poor woman's lips. He walked with a healthy companion, big with child, leaning against him. They were a handsome couple. But I looked at this David, who seemed so upright -- God-fearing and honest -- and wondered what terrible demons dwelt below his unpretentious façade, demons that could so destroy a once lovely woman and leave her pained and writhing. He must be a demon, I thought, who has risen from the deepest echelon of hell.

Dayum, a chill went up my spine, R565!

Yo Shannon, yous like my new house? I'm livin up on Tree's balcony! I can see into your bathroom from up here! An please don't stop da naked yoga. You look beautiful, my little white meatbawl.

Mr. Lockwood has emerged from the shadows to contribute his uncanny experiences in Orange Country with the viewers of Sudden Storms.

I'd like to lock your wood, R568.

I am ever so sorry, r569: you must accept my most sincere apologies. I am something of an antiquarian and unfamiliar with the idioms now on the tongues of babes.

Did you just call me an idiot, R570? You're a dork!

r567 WOW. Are you kidding me? Not only do you mock my relationship with JOHN JANSSEN (who loves me like no one else ever will and who is not controlling or abusive in ANY way -- that's exactly what you want me to say, isn't it, dear?), but you expect a woman who wears Van Cleef & Arpels EVERY day to live like THAT?

You must be out of your mind!!! You need to ask Dr. Moon to help you with your delusions!

Ah, r571, yes, I hail from Dorset. Perhaps only the nuisance of dialect tears our communication asunder.

Hahaha R572, you're so silly. I don't want yous to move into my tent. I wanna move in wid you!

Get ridda dat John guy and let real love tru da front door. I'd woy-ship the ground you walk on! I'd buy you lots an lots a shiny tings! I'd make yous da centa uh my universe, Shannon!

Best of awl, I won't treacha like a doormat like John does.

Tink about it, please! I love yous!

r574 John Janssen hire us both. He said you try take Shannon away from him. Will not work.

We destroy you. Spartak do killing. Bartak do burying.

Oh shit, R575! Are da Barbarian Bruddas afta me now? Oh noooo.

I ain't scared a yous! I've won brawls on da side of da turnpike with tuffa scum dan yous two!

r576 you neglect niece. Leave them alone in House of Blossom to fend for self. You spend all time obsess about ugly big nose white woman. Enough! Enough! We not pay you that. Get back on bus, get back House of Blossom.

Niece need help! Niece speak poor English! Niece confuse! Client stiff! Dr. Moon angry! Madame Moon no have opium!

Yo, what duh fuck, R577? You said I could have da morning awf so's I can move onta my cousin's balcony. You said dat Ping Pong can cover my shift!

And don't choo neva say Shannon Beador is ugly or dat she got a big nose. She don't! She's bootiful! If yous ever disrespeck Shannon like dat again, I'll break your fuckin neck!

So go fuck yourself, Madame Moon!

I know my intrusions are most vexatious, r578 and r571, so please forgive me my candor. How ever did you make the acquaintance of Mrs. Storms Beador? Oh, the pitiful fashion in which she wailed and moaned! Her crying would have moved Nero himself! Only the Christian God will be able to wrest her away from her longing for that most base and treacherous man called David Beador, once freeholder of Stormy Manor and its luscious surrounding lands.

Now I am told he spends his days sulking, hating Shannon -- forgive me for using her Christian name, but she is such a pathetic creature it feels only natural -- and hating one John Janssen even more.

I must know more of their story. I must take the different strands and weave them together into a tale of sound and fury. However could love produce such heartache, such misery?

Yo R579, I met Shannon in my dreams. In my dreams, Shannon told me ta come ta Orange County and marry her. So I spent all my dough on a foist class ticket ta California. Lucky for me, my cousin Tree moved out to da OC da month before, so I stayed down in her basement. I foist saw Shannon in poisen when I followed her around town on my adult tricycle. She had no clue I was dere da whole day! A coupla days lata, I rubbed my pussy joooses on her mailbox. Den I realized dat to make Shannon love me, I hadda getta job. So's I started woiken as a harem keepa at Madame Moon's Blossom Palace surrounded by hot broads, but my mind neva went away from Shannon. Den my cousin Tree moved into a mansion right nex door to Shannon! Tree let me set up a tent on da balcony, and I been watchin' Shannon all day and all night now. She knows how I feel about her, cuz I screamed it at her from da balcony. Wheneva she's in her backyard, I sing da most romantic Streisand songz at da top a my lungz!

Do forgive my most egregious frankness, r580, but do you hail from the Scottish Highlands? Your dialect is most difficult for my ears to decipher. Having been what I assume Shannon's lady maid, you were most certainly privy to her deepest desires and salacious confessions, but alas, our oral chasm appears too daunting to traverse.

Can any other soul in Orange County tell me the tragic tale of Shannon and David and one beady-eyed John Janssen, whom I'm told, most scandalously, prefers the company of men?

Ruff ruff!