PARIS: The critically endangered specimens of Jersey Zoo (formerly Durrell Wildlife Park) arrived on a redeye and headed straight to the Ritz with a very important mission for the Mission Impossible star: making sure that over the next few days, as he faces over four dozen one-on-one interviews with journalists from over twenty nations, Henry Cavill says nothing interesting.
"We've typed up a comprehensive set of talking points, created mnemonic devices, and even taught Alexa to recite a biographical outline while he sleeps," the Durrell Mandarin Tamarin explained. "Fat Cavill, Egyptology, 'I could have been a banker', a curated selection of mustache anecdotes - we've left no stone unturned. We've even trained Kal to bite his leg if he ever starts to meander into what we call 'the phantom zone' - what books or programs he enjoys, why he rarely acts, his disappointment with Warner's DC movies, why he lives in Florida and avoids Hollywood... you know, human stuff. And if journalists try to bring anything too personal up, we're standing by with feces to fling at them."
The critically endangered specimens will also be on hand for the dozens of photo shoots Cavill will participate in over the next few weeks, to ensure he is dressed handsomely but not overtly sexually, and that any photo with a hint of nipple, treasure trail, bulge or the outline of his buttocks never makes it to print.