Are you lonely and alone? This thread is for you.

Yes, my father died and my mom is still alive but she’s not all there. I joke that 3/4 of my parents are dead.

Yes. Very. But I have a problem. I don't like people much. And they don't like me much. It makes things impossible. Even my parents disliked me because I was gay. It was ok until they found out.

Why don't all the lonely people on DL couple up? Or throuple up?

You're not alone OP, you mentioned you have a couple of friends.

We had a related discussion a few weeks ago that might be of interest.

Meetup is still out there. See if there's a group that interests you. Do you have any interests?

Your description of your situation was clear... and I also read it as NOT full of self-pity. I certainly think that's a positive sign. I think some folks are so locked into their narratives of self-pity that nothing ever could shift their woebegone natures. All of which is to say I would assume you'd be an ok person to be around.

I do intuit that you are concerned about slipping into negative patterns, including drinking. I wouldn't dismiss the idea of AA.

Also, although I am partnered and have enough friends (I am very introverted anyway, I'd have been a good hermit monk)... I volunteer at the local Foodbank. The group there are friendly and funny and with the common purpose and principles, it feels like a happy, friendly church without the religion. I think you might find volunteering at some local charity to be one way to "get out of the house and out of your head."

Peace and happiness are wishes I send in your direction.

OP, I have struggled with loneliness for much of my life and am prone to depression. As I get older (I'm 42), being social is increasingly less important to me. I don't make an effort. Socializing is exhausting and rarely worth the effort, unless I'm with a very select group of people.

I try to remember that many, many people around us are probably just as lonely as we are. But feeling lonely just isn't something we share with each other.

I have given up on connection with other people and am trying to be ok with embracing solitude. I am a person who enjoys the company of others and get along well with others but given my job I find myself burned out on people at the day and enjoy my down time. As an introvert I need time to recharge.

Also as someone in their mid fifties it’s hard to make new friends and many of the people I work with are younger. I don’t have issues with connecting with them but casual or polite conversations with strangers usually result in odd responses so I don’t do it. Seems like today people perceive being friendly as you having some ulterior motive so now I just stare at the ground to avoid interacting like they do.

I’ve tried social groups, clubs and volunteer orgs but it usually requires a huge amount of unreciprocated effort trying to fit in —or I end up getting roped into some service role where you do a lot of unappreciated grunt work that no one else wants to do. Then there are all the politics and people who don’t know how to play well with others so many times I just acknowledge the stress and drama aren’t worth it and bow out.

Politics has added another dimension of BS as well. I was a member of a church discussion group and this one guy kept bringing the conversation back to vaccines and mask wearing (this was post COViD). I finally told him to stop bringing up irrelevant topics and he got mad and left. MAGA people can’t help but make some snide comment about liberals or how Trump is the greatest ever which turns people off.

To be honest I just think people in general are so different these days. People have all these ideologies amd particular likes and interests that it makes it hard to find mutual enjoyment in anything without someone having an issue with this person, movie, team, TV show, food, restaurant etc so it’s easier to just enjoy it on your own.

I also ask myself, like you OP, if there are any other people as lonely as I sometimes am and I have reached the conclusion that, as people age, their social circle shrinks until it basically evaporates. As we get older, friends die or they move away or they get sick and are unable to maintain a dynamic social life. Married guys prefer to hang out with other married guys (and, honestly, I prefer to hang out with other single guys). Over and over I see profiles in the dating apps of guys over 60 who say they are looking for friends over the easy hook-up. Aging sucks and this is one of the worst reasons But you and I are not alone.

I don’t feel like I can live this way another 20+ years.

R11, not sure I can do another 10. I'm 56 and I've been alone for the past 14 years already.

OP/R12 - but is sounds like you're recently sober? Were you a reclusive alcoholic for many years? It happens. It takes awhile to get out of that - things don't happen over night.

But in general, it is harder to find new friends when you're older. Don't know why - it shouldn't.

I've been sober for almost 10 months this time round, r13. My previous period of sobriety was during 2022/2023. Unlike other alcoholics my age, I have only drank alcohol for around 20 years (i.e. didn't drink during my teens or 20s). During the time I have drank alcohol, I've had abstinent periods of a year (or more) at least 4 or 5 times.

Yes, I have interests. Many. The Meetup groups were a good thought, and I do look at them about every 6 months to see if there is anything near me that might be of interest and don't cost a fortune because I don't make a great deal of money. There is a writing group that meets every few weeks that is of interest. There are bitcoin and pool groups that hold zero appeal. I had a passing thought for the Single meet 'n greet, but as I'm an introvert and it is a "happy hour" event, it strikes fear in me and I don't think it's a good place for me to be. I'd sooner meet via an app then try to be witty and appealing where others are using drink as an elixir of courage. There is a game night group that meets once a month and while that is a possibility, I'd probably want to see if there is an option to find out the general age group of the attendees. I'm not sure I want to show up to something that mostly 20 or 30 year olds are doing. That was about all I could really find in my area over the next 6 weeks.

I don't have any family and my one friend is 78 and lives out of state. I volunteer at my local hospital but realize more social interaction is needed. I'm a loner so I'm trying to figure out what activities to get involved in. A part time job may work, but since I retired 6 years ago I've become lazy.

No, I'm not lonely. I have an emotionally dysfunctional family which I have limited contact with, and low level acquaintances, but the freedom from difficult and emotionally damaging people is really nice, to be honest. It's a pleasant low-drama life in middle age. There was a period eight years ago when I went through an intense bout of soul-rending existential loneliness that prompted me to finally deal with my childhood abuse, and that took several years, but since then I haven't had it re-emerge. (Thank god, that was really terrible)

My family is as fractured as it’s ever been. It feels like half of it doesn’t speak to the other half, and the people who would have no problem speaking to each other don’t bother because they’re (we’re) collectively exhausted from this day to day existence of only surviving but seldom thriving.

I hate this world and I hate what it’s forced us to become.

It looks to me like Major Depressive Disorder is alive and well in this thread.

[quote] OP, I have struggled with loneliness for much of my life and am prone to depression. As I get older (I'm 42), being social is increasingly less important to me. I don't make an effort. Socializing is exhausting and rarely worth the effort, unless I'm with a very select group of people.

R8, I identify with much of this, I don’t feel lonely exactly, but I worry that I increasingly crave solitude. Large social events are a chore, and I have even become terrible about checking in with friends. In one cringe-making (still almost physically painful) incident, I totally unintentionally made it clear to one friend that he had called at a time when I didn’t want to chat. He understandably hasn’t called again, which really hurts. It’s entirely my fault for making him feel unwelcome. We still text and have met in person, but it’s awkward. I’d like to find a way to apologise in a way which didn’t dig the whole thing up again.

I’m lucky to have quite a large group of friends, but in truth I feel disconnected. And I despise the dishonesty of my social life: I force myself to attend events and then resent having to be there, and I meet with friends regularly, but breathe a sigh of relief when I get home and can be alone. I generally appear very sociable, chatty and interested in others, but I sense a total lack of sincerity in my reactions.

I do worry about how I will cope when I retire (in 10 years or so) and I am no longer forced to interact in the office. I fear I will be a real homebody. - I think of human/social interaction as being like a muscle: if you don’t use it, it will atrophy.

Just send him a brief text repeating what you've already said here, r19. Just a few sentences and an apology. It will be a relief for both of you, and doesn't have to be a big thing at all.

I don’t see the Alone No Friends No Family. That’s me.

I have a brother to whom I used to be close, one child, an ex I’m on good terms with. My best friend of 35 years has stopped communicating and I’m just letting that relationship go. I don’t really interact with my MAGA parents and extended family.

My child has a disability and it makes interactions very difficult. I love him, but spending time together is a lot of work. It isn’t loneliness, exactly, just nonstop work with few positive interactions to go with the work.

My ex does his best, but he’s backed away as well, not wanting to deal with our son’s issues. He’s often been one to check out when things are tough.

I wish I had a friend to go to dinner or the movies with. Looking back, I’ve often had trouble making friends as I’m pretty awkward. But I’ve rarely been this lonely. .

I want to have friendships with good looking, witty, young, warm, emotionally generous people. I am none of those things so that takes care of that.

TL;DR

I think loneliness is an extroverts problem. Ever since I was a child I have enjoyed spending time alone. 60+ years later, I still do. I work to maintain friendships - but am very content alone. Of course, living in a city helps - there are always people around. I know so many older people living in the suburbs or rural areas who complain about loneliness - yet they choose to live in single family homes in areas that are car dependent and isolating. Extroverts get a lot of benefits in life, but over time I’ve learned to appreciate being an introvert and very content being by myself.

r25 - do you have family? Siblings, parents, cousins? Even if you don't see them (or choose not to see them) often, they are there - correct?

What really pisses me off about it is I’m always the one that is reaching out, doing the initiating, driving to see them, going above and beyond, etc. I give 60% and don’t even get 40% back with very few exceptions.

But I didn’t work that hard I wouldn’t have anything. A few times I’ve tested this and didn’t initiate texts or calls at all and literal years went by before I heard from them again even though they live in my city. “Those aren’t your friends.” Yeah, that’s my entire point.

But sometimes even having a fake acquaintance is better than going 300 days without seeing a single person besides the cashier at Wegmans.

r27, I'm an introvert who tends to hang out with extroverts. I've noticed that when I try to reach out to my friends more, take the initiative in conversations, suggest places to go and things to do, they really don't like it. They want me to stay on the shelf till they're ready to play. I'm not saying YOU'RE like that, but sometimes it's about relationship dynamics rather than caring.

I have kind of a split personality. On the one hand, I love to talk to strangers -- I'm great at small talk and enjoy doing it, and I generally feel energized afterward. But I am alone almost all the time. In fact, sometimes I've gone two or three days without talking to anyone, not even on the phone.

When I was younger, I'd get terrifically lonely even though I had a lot of people around me. And, if I were single, I'd feel horribly inadequate, as though there were something wrong with me because I didn't have a (as we used to say) lover. But now, I'm never lonely, and I've been single and deliberately celibate since 2008. I don't exactly know how to explain why those things don't bother me anymore. I think it's a combination of (finally!) being at peace with myself and being (from mildly to extremely) annoyed with other people.

I agree with R9 -- people are strange these days, especially here in Deplorable Haven. I know that the people with whom I can so easily make small talk I'd probably despise if I got to know them better. So it's better that I don't.

I wish you well, OP. I'm on anti-depressants that work for all but the most horrible things (like the Orange Menace and all the issues surrounding that) and I'm in my late 60s. Perhaps as time goes on you'll develop a mindset that will bring you peace.

It worked for me.

[quote]I think loneliness is an extroverts problem. Ever since I was a child I have enjoyed spending time alone. 60+ years later, I still do. I work to maintain friendships - but am very content alone. Of course, living in a city helps - there are always people around. I know so many older people living in the suburbs or rural areas who complain about loneliness - yet they choose to live in single family homes in areas that are car dependent and isolating. Extroverts get a lot of benefits in life, but over time I’ve learned to appreciate being an introvert and very content being by myself.

I could have written your post, r25. This thread isn't for us, and I feel sorry for those who are lonely. I was in 3 long-term relationships and all I ever wanted was out. My immediate family is small and skews older. We are very different, but get along well enough to gather for xmas. I know it's a dirty word in The Data Lounge, but I volunteer regularly in food pantries and community gardens. That ticks off my boxes of getting outside and peopling - and then I go home to blessed quiet.

R30 Yep. Alone and lonely are not the same thing at all. Often, alone at home I am at peace. Often, in crowded social settings I feel abject loneliness.

I was very social when I was young but over the years have become less and less so. I think now that this was a mistake. I let a lot of friendships fade and now, with few left, I wish I had kept them going. I do occasionally try to resurrect old friendships but that seldom works as these people have usually moved on.

And of course, at my age, 75, three of my best friends have died. I expect to be one of those people who outlive everyone they know. Check back with me in 15 years.

OP here - thanks for drawing the delineation on alone and lonely, r31.

To clarify - I am BOTH alone as well as lonely. It's not that sometimes I don't enjoy being by myself and doing my own thing...it's that I would rather that not be the majority of my time. I am tired of not having any other kind of life besides doing things by myself, with only myself and having no other alternative.

I believe there is a difference here that many are missing: many of you are CHOOSING to be alone and do things on your own. I will lay odds that you DO have family members that you COULD call up or visit if you want. Perhaps even people you would call friends or acquaintances. I don't have any family and just the 1 real friend (who shouldn't be expected to shoulder the lion's share of having me over for holidays, etc.); my other friend is someone who - while I call him a friend - we have never spent a holiday together. We do are for one another, but we've only known each other for 2 years now.

If you had no father, mother, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents alive in this world - do you think you'd still feel okay with being alone/by yourself all the time? With those people in the world, you could at the very least CHOOSE to spend time with them if you felt like it. Do you think you'd still feel the same NOT having any of those people existing on the planet at the same time as you?

Alone but not lonely here. As well as single. I've always been a kind of gregarious and outgoing life of the party type, though I see myself as an introvert. I like to do what I want to do on my terms. Just got back from a solo trip to New Orleans, headed to a cruise to the Bahamas over the holidays in between quick trips to seeing family. I find people exhausting and I have no issue eating out alone, movies, shows, or other engagements alone. No shortage of people to call up and pal around with when I want to but also truly enjoy running around by myself.

I’ve always fancied myself a person who enjoys time alone.

But I’ve slowly come to realize a lot of my sadness / depression is actually loneliness.

I’ve achieved many life goals (though I’m not as successful as I thought I’d be.)

Even as I envision eventually achieving all of my life goals, I know it won’t make me any happier because I’ll still be lonely.

But when I do try to make friends or socialize, I often get hurt in the process. It seems to be a no-win situation.

Lonely no. I have a good many friends whose company I love and I love spending time with them. At the same time, I need a lot of time alone in my own head, to do exactly as I please, to do solitary things.

There's no schedule of prescribed balance. I can go many days by myself or many days surrounded by people (strangers and friends), or mix it up in whatever order it falls. And I like meeting new people.

I was never very close with my family and now they are mostly dead or more distant family with whom I never had a connection. It's always been my friends who are important, and most of that circle changes by geography with just a handful of friends I've known over decades.

I'm more introvert that extrovert, but have many extrovert friends. That doesn't seem critical, but the time I need on my own has always been important.

Whether I feel lonely or not depends on my mood. Sometimes I am content alone and sometimes I wish for more interaction. I avoid letting people I work with get to know me because I’m embarrassed that I don’t have anything to talk about and people would not like that I just don’t have the hobbies and interests that most people seem to converse about and get bored of me. People will always let you down in the end, so my admittedly poor attitude has been why bother. Maybe I am just an introverted misanthrope. Frankly I don’t like talking to strangers or helping people so alone I stay.

[quote] ...I’m embarrassed that I don’t have anything to talk about and people would not like that I just don’t have the hobbies and interests that most people seem to converse about and get bored of me.

R37, I shouldn't worry about hobbies and interests. Even if you have fucking fascinating hobbies and interests (and almost no one does), people tire of that sort of thing soon because there's little room for interaction, it's semi-interesting for a very few minutes and then not. If you want to interact with your colleagues, why not focus on being an attentive listener and learn how to ask questions that draw the person out in their answers. Being a good listener who can ask a perceptive question may do you more favors in the eyes of colleagues than having an exotic hobby. "How do you think your interest in collecting commemorative stamps makes you see the world a little differently? [Travel? Reading? Do you ever of people and places and things as great subjects for commemorative stamps?] It's basic, and a bit stupid, but when someone sees that you listen to their words, and asks a question that allows to to talk about something they like, their attitude toward someone changes.

I'm never alone with so many Vivian Girls to keep me company

R25 is insightful. I am not an extrovert, love to read, great curiosity, many interests and hobbies, and I like myself. So not lonely per se. I can entertain myself.

Is there a local community theatre? Maybe volunteer to usher. Test the waters and see if that interests you.

OP when you do find that special someone please be sure to revisit our smash hit "Two Less Lonely People in the World".

this is for all the lonely people

Most days I feel like Ennis at the end of Brokeback Mountain…isolated, sad and filled with emptiness and regret — but knowing it’s mostly my own fault. I just want it to be over.

Some of you guys should be running to make the next doctor's appointment for antidepressants.

Well I’ve been on them for the last 30+ years. It helps.

I have outlived all family. In my seventies I find many friends have become absorbed in grandchildren and extended famiy. I have three very good friends, two live many hours away and I see them infrequently but speak with them several times a week. My third friend is now battling cancer, so I am supporting her. I am autonomous, and enjoy being alone. But there is a limit and one cant allow oneself to sink into loneliness.

I moved into a 55+ community four years ago. Most of the people here are couples, there are three gay couples I have met. Lots of "family" talk of kids and grandkids. I was reluctant to live in such a community, feeling they are contrived, and that I would not have much in common, being single and without children. However, there are activities I enjoy. Book club, cards, golf, even mah jong. There is a gym and pool. I have made a few social friends through these activities.

Before this I lived near a city, and there was a more varied and interesting life on offer. But, I am 75 and realized that as I age I will be less likely or able to continue to live as I have. If you are lonely, over 55, consider living in such a community.

{quote]Are you lonely and alone? This link is for you, OP.

And remember: A friend is just a fiend with an r in it.

^oopsie

I'm losing my vision. I expect at some point a streetlight post will be my friend and I won't know it.

I feel for you, OP.

I have a wonderful partner, and I am very grateful for that. But I do feel some of your pain. My circle of friends shrunk significantly in the last decade, mostly due to geographic moves on my part. COVID also killed some relationships (no travel for several years to see friends = friendship suffered.)

I live in a very LGBTQ+ friendly area and people near me are lovely, but they are acquaintances, not friends.

Making new friends after 40 is just a very challenging thing, for multiple reasons that have nothing to do with anyone's worthiness as a person. We just don't have those bonding mechanisms that exist in earlier parts of life (high school or college, first loves, etc.) I can't speak for everyone but I also know I am a bit more strict with letting my guard down around new people, because I've had enough negative people or messy people in my life and don't need that energy around.

I'm just trying to be in a space of gratitude and contentment. Some days that works better than others.

My best friend just moved out of state and I suddenly feel old and alone. I have no friends left in my surrounding area. They've all moved away. I have one friend left in my city who is about 45 mins away and an older sibling I'm not close with who is 2 hours away. I was always the person who was there for everyone when they needed help and now there's no one here for me. It's scary but I'll get through it and keep going. I have no choice.

I am alone but I don't really feel lonely. Live with my cats and keep it simple.

R44 = Oh wonderful!! Now you ruined the ending for me.!! Thanks a lot!! Excuse me for being too busy but I was going to get around to it!!!

-----R44 All kidding aside, get a cat. They can make you feel valuable.