At What Age Did You Become Totally Alone

I'm 62 now, andI became totally alone at 46. Not as young as many others. But I have many friends who still have parents, and even one with grandparents (!) along with various siblings, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. It's mostly okay, but I do get depressed around the holidays. I usually watch While You Were Sleeping and have a good cry and get it out of my system.

I’m glad you still have many friends, R1

57, my mother passed away.

A few years prior to that my best friend committed suicide.

A pal moved away and we lost touch; he moved on, actually. It wasn't anything nasty. He was just going to a new life.

I have people in my life. But I would love to have a GREAT relationship.

R3 at the end of the day that’s what I’m craving.

57, now. My closest friends moved to the other side of the country about a year ago. My brother and I haven't seen each other for nearly 10 years, and that was back when our mother died - these days we talk by phone a couple of times a year.

I have a few remote friends, but other than that the only people I see are co-workers.

I'm a solitary sort by nature, but some times it gets to me a bit. Not just the practical matters like emergency issues, but the feeling that this is how it's going to be. At some point my job will end and then there really won't be anyone that I see.

I've always been bad about investing my money, but about investing my time as well. You have to invest in people, put some energy into relationships if you are going to have any.

R5 That’s the thing. I heavily invested in friendships and it would not be a lie at all to say I was the one always putting more effort into them. I’m still left alone.

You people are HORRIBLE!

- Neither Barbra nor Jason nor James

My Morgan Stanley account ensures that I will never be ALL alone........

Parents dead by 2000. Still have all my sibs and 1st cousins though.

57 when my husband died. My father recently died, but really, like OP's mother was mostly out of it these last few years and really, even before that, it wasn't like some huge father-son bond that I feel is gone in some profound way. Same with Mom, who is alive, some health issues, but again, it's not like some big thank god I still have that link. We talk sometimes but it's always more of an obligation than some major connection. Even less with siblings, where we hardly ever even talk, and I don't much care. Like r5 I'm just kind of solitary and a loner. It's not great, and really I do think I am hurting myself at time, but I seriously doubt I'm going to turn into some outgoing extrovert any time soon, or ever.

(I thought people might find this interesting. My meditation teacher often talks about relationships in these terms. I'm definitely lacking in the As and Bs at 56)

British Anthropologist Robin Dunbar categorized relationships into circles of closeness, intimacy and frequency of contact - As, Bs, Cs, Ds, etc

1. Layer A: Intimate Circle (Dunbar’s “5” – Closest Bonds)

• Closeness Level: Maximal emotional depth; these are your “shoulders to cry on”—people you’d turn to in crisis, share vulnerabilities with, or even grieve deeply if lost.

• Frequency of Contact: Very high—daily or near-daily (e.g., texts, calls, or in-person time totaling 40+ hours/month per person).

• Why It Matters: This layer handles ~60–70% of your emotional support needs. Dunbar notes falling in love can “cost” you 1–2 spots here, as it demands huge time/energy.

• Example: A lifelong best friend or romantic partner you confide in without filters.

2. Layer B: Close Sympathy Group (Dunbar’s “15” – Good Friends)

• Closeness Level: High trust and empathy; you know their quirks, share laughs/tears, and offer advice, but it’s not as raw as Layer A.

• Frequency of Contact: Frequent—weekly (e.g., 20–30 hours/month total across the group, like group chats or casual meetups).

• Why It Matters: These folks provide ~20–30% of your emotional bandwidth. They’re the ones who make social events fun and buffer stress.

• Example: Ride-or-die pals from college or work you see for brunches or game nights.

3. Layer C: Band of Bandits (Dunbar’s “50” – Casual Friends/Acquaintances with History)

• Closeness Level: Moderate; shared context (e.g., hobbies or past adventures), but less personal—conversations stay lighter, with occasional deeper chats.

• Frequency of Contact: Occasional—monthly or every few months (e.g., 10–20 hours/month total, like bumping into them at events).

• Why It Matters: This layer adds variety and networking (e.g., job tips), but it’s more about fun than support. Dunbar says it’s where “clans” form in evolutionary terms.

• Example: Old classmates or hobby group members you catch up with sporadically.

4. Layer D: Clansmen/Stable Contacts (Dunbar’s “150” – General Network)

• Closenes Level: Low; you know who they are and have a vague history, but little emotional tie—more like “friendly faces.”

• Frequency of Contact: Infrequent—quarterly or less (e.g., <10 hours/month total, via holidays or social media pings).

• Why It Matters: This is the cognitive limit for “meaningful” ties; beyond it, relationships feel superficial. It’s your safety net for broader community.

• Example: Extended colleagues or distant relatives you nod to at gatherings.

At 39. At the time, I thought, maybe my personal life will get a "second wind" and I'll develop a pack of lovely, later-in-life friends. But now I'm 58 and it still hasn't happened for me, and I suppose I am, if not pleased by the situation, at least resigned to it.

I’m glad to have sisters. Women keep men from falling into isolation and loneliness.

We are always totally alone.

R10, you're an asshole.

I'm sorry, OP.

yeah, r10 is clearly an unimaginative extrovert. He simply can't imagine that everyone can't just easily slip into shallow friendships without much effort.

The truth is, that has probably worked out fine for him, but for some of us, that whole thing remains unavailable. That whole backslapping, hey I just met you let's be buddies thing will never, ever work for some of us. We're unlucky that way.

….the exception being early childhood, college years, and a couple of decently timed relationships several years back.

My dad's still ticking away at 91, but I don't really care for him, so I only talk to him every couple of months. My two brothers live nearby and they have nine kids between them, so I don't think I'll ever be truly alone. I have a couple of friends, but nobody I hang out with.

Feel lucky OP. At least you don’t have to care for an Alzheimer’s ridden parent every day -while working a job you hate but is required to pay the bills. i can’t wait for the day im alone and DONT have the responsibility of caring for a mother who I wish was dead (but has no money to be cared for by a nursing home). I’ve also always been happy being alone - my dream is to not work and be done with family repsonsibility.

66.

[quote]If life transcends death, then I will seek for you there. If not, then there too.

We are born alone and we die alone (which oddly seems credited to Orson Welles). But it's a sad kind of hell to be alone in the middle of those two. I wasn't for years and then, in my mid 70s, I am again.

All I can say is that there are worse things: being in terrible health when alone, being broke when alone, being homeless when alone etc.

But it's tough. And I cry a lot.

Golden Girls gave us the blueprint and here we are all still fucking it up 😭

Probably around age 14. My mother died in a car accident, and my father basically moved out of the family home to live with his girlfriend, leaving me and my 8-year-old brother alone most of the time.

He eventually married the girlfriend and formed a family of sorts with my brother, who was young enough to buy into the “meet your new mommy” situation.

To further complicate things, girlfriend is crazy as a shithouse rat and has spent the last 40 years causing endless, random drama.

Just last week, my brother sent a rare, innocuous group text about his daughter doing something cute. Girlfriend chimed in with some random MAGA-adjacent comment. She absolutely can’t stand for my dad to have any warm communication with his kids.

She also has their phones set up so she monitors and responds to his text messages, pretending to be him. So we never know if a text is coming from him or her. Same thing with email and Facebook. We have no way to contact him directly.

I have my own family and I love them, but it’s a one-sided relationship- I’m the parent, I take care of them. I wouldn’t say kids fulfill the parents’ need for human connection. That’s not their responsibility.

3 days

Probably like 17.

R24 you need to ring him up and talk to him rather than text.

R27, She answers his phone or takes the phone away from him if he answers.

She’s not even clever about it! Just blatant insanity.

I occasionally wonder (briefly) if I need to be concerned that my father could be in danger from being so isolated, but I don’t really care. He’s actively chosen this life throughout 40 years of chaos, so…

OP you're very young. You must get involved socially and it doesnt have to be a friend. If you became a teacher or social worker or hairdresser any job with lots of client contact where your service to them returns their good energy to you. You could also volunteer and develop social connections that are not friends. As I said you are way too young to be socially isolated.

My parents are still alive (89 & 85), as is one of my two sisters, who I talk to almost daily.

I have a bff in NJ (ten years younger than I am) who will always be there in case of an emergency. When I had MC accident #1 back in '09, she came down to FL and took care of me for the first week post-hospital stay. So I know this from experience.

So I'm not totally alone -- but I'm gettin' there

The day I was born.

(((((OP)))))

My support system crashed about four years ago when everybody I knew absolutely lost their shit as a result of Covid, Jan. 6 and various individual personal crises. I found myself having to avoid people I had previously been close to because they refused to take precautions against Covid, and struggling to maintain relationships with people overwhelmed with stress, anxiety and depression who were using me as a combination therapist and dart board. I thought maybe things were getting better, but then Trump got back into office and my general feeling that people were not safe to be around rebounded.

R24 reminds us being alone is often better than dealing with hateful family members. And R22 is right - we all die alone. Going though an extended near death experience for 4 months taught me what the end will be like. Even if we have a partner or family - the experience of dying is very solitary. The myth that we die happy when surrounded by “loved ones” is a myth. Dying is an incredibly internal, personal, unshareable experience. Dont buy into the fantasy of marriage/relationship as the solution to the fear of dying alone.

Of course dying is individual and private but still, some people die with a lot of support and love from loved ones. That's certainly not "dying alone". Here's a little story. We all stayed to accompany my father in his hospice room until he died. Each person took a shift. I was often on overnight. My father hadn't been very conscious for a few days but after I arrived he rallied and seemed crystal clear. He said I love you and you were a great son. I noticed he said were. My father was highly educated so I suppose he was speaking as if his life was over. Then he faded out again. A few hours later the nurse told me: you need to get in your car and drive home. How far is it? I said 45 minutes She said your father is waiting to be alone in this room so he can die. If you drive home now I will probably call you in one hour to tell you he died. So I left, and she was correct.

My former partner (we are still close) is a really good, patient, and often kind person.

But he’s terrible in a stressful situation. It’s one thing that always drove me nuts.

Don’t buy into the “people rise to the occasion” cliche. When partner’s mother was dying of cancer, his dad would literally take a folding chair and sit in the garage drinking whiskey all day, every day.

He’d then come into the house (where the adult kids were managing their mother’s care) and start endless drama, trying to get attention for himself.

I’m very sympathetic to what he was going through, but that chapter made me think much less of him.

My partner is definitely cut from the same cloth. Every time we had a stressful situation to get through, he completely checked out. He’d then criticize me on the back end for things I did to get us through the situation.

Eventually I told him “you don’t get yo criticize when you contribute nothing.” Actually— much like his dad— he often actively makes things harder.

We had a very complicated moved one time and he did almost nothing to help. He would follow me around and repack boxes after I’d already packed them. I thought I was going to murder him.

Anyway, the point is… dont assume a partner will be supportive when you are dying or even just moving!

Never

I consider myself blessed I guess then. I have never been alone. I have always had family around me and a husband of 28 years. I am 50 years old now and still have both of my parents and a stepmom. Hell, I still had all of my grandparents (one granddad died before I was born) until I was 44, then they died on year after another - 2019/20/21. Sorry to hear about you losing everyone by 35 OP. That's tough.

In 2010 I turned 50, my parents passed away within 10 weeks of each other, my partner and I split after 27 years together, I purchased my own condo and began living alone for the first time ever. Rather than feeling alone, I felt liberated.

Only child here. I can easily entertain myself; I've had 69 years of daily practice. My dad died when I was young. My mom is 92, still with it (largely) and living in a nice senior living center about 15 minutes away from me. I talk to her every day and visit her at least three times a week. I was laid off/retired in 2018, so she's pretty much my job now (and gets me out of my apartment). Weirdly, ALL of my friends except one moved away during the pandemic; some even left the country before Felon 47 took office. My mom worries that I don't have any friends. I tell her I have them, they just don't live near me. My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships (no doubt because I largely prefer my own company), so no friendly exes around. I'm waiting for my mom to die (and utterly dreading it, of course) so I can travel and visit those faraway friends and maybe move near some of them so we can look after each other.

Today I'm meeting my one remaining local friend for a drink after she gets off work. I haven't seen her since April (she works, I don't; she has a husband, I don't). It will be nice to talk to someone who isn't in their 90s.

That’s hard, r39. But it does sound like you have friends and that’s so hard to come by. You are doing well!

73 here. Mother died in 2014; sister in 2011, father in 1990. No children, nieces, or nephews. I have one aunt who's 94, and a lot of cousins. Never a significant other.

R20, is she on Medicaid? It would pay for nursing home care.

In many ways, I started feeling alone around 5th or 6th grade. I’m pretty sure I recognized from an early age that if I didn’t learn to be as self-sufficient as possible that life was going to be tough.

My parents had a bitter divorce with years’ worth of accusations, threats, summonses and the like, a process that began when I was 13 (though the screaming and fighting started years earlier) and lasted through my freshman year of college.

I guess it was a double-edged sword; it meant I took a lot of blame for things I had nothing to do with, but it also meant I got lots of alone time, often enough without being questioned. I grew up fast (well, in certain ways) and learned to navigate the unfamiliar deftly.

I was intrigued by the post about how our friends fall into categories (As, Bs, Cs and so on) but found that my current friends don’t neatly fit any one group of criteria.

I have only one friend that I can and do tell almost anything to. And a handful of others I’m close enough with but have decided certain topics are off limits. But when I’m in need I’m hesitant to reach out.

Since about five years ago, there has been no one left of the older generation - no parents aunts uncles. Guess that means I AM the older generation. Late 60s here. Still love sex. But I’m not relationship material. I try from time to time. But I don’t want a young boyfriend. And men I meet close to my age just seem to want to sit around and do routine things. I am more of an explorer. So I explore on my own. Most of the time, it’s great. Occasionally, it’s sad.

Sorry for the long post.

My dad died when I was 22 and my mom when I was 51. I’m now 55 and still have my sister who is 58. I’d be devastated to lose her.

And I do have nieces and nephews who are in their 30s and settled down, all local. Some great-nieces and a great-nephew. I have a few friends but not really a best friend. I am grateful that my sister had a large family.

I’m very contentedly introverted. At times I do crave a relationship but then I remember how much cabbage I like to eat, how much gas I can freely pass in my own home, and I really hate sharing a bed and a space with someone. I want only to sleep with my dog and cat. Eventually I may change my mind but for now I’m okay.

Being able to pass gas freely in bed is a gift from the gods.

R1- Maybe this will cheer you up

A bear feeding honey to a Siberian BEAR

This is getting boring. Yeah I realized I was alone and to accept it around 2018. I reconnected with a relative in 2019 which did not turn out well. So about the last 4 years alone, not lonely, no patience to deal with really dumb people, passive-aggressive victim types, uneducated, un curious, uninformed followers of whatever the last person told them. I haven’t met that many people who are as quick as I am. I can’t think of another term describing smart, articulate, intuitive but not genius people.