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I’m Falling For My Best Friend’s Boyfriend

Okay DL, I need your help.

I’m in my mid thirties, single and live in a red, rural area. I’ve had a best friend since school, and she’s been seeing a guy for a few months. They are pretty serious and he is making an effort to be involved in her kids life as well as hers.

There is a problem. The more I hang out with them/him…the more I like him. He’s attractive, but he does have som habits that I can’t stand, but I find myself being really flirty with him and I’m full transparency, it’s not completely one sided.

He identifies as straight, he definitely pays more attention to her, they have sex….but when I’m with him, there is a connection.

I think about him all the time.

I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her, I don’t want to make it awkward and I don’t want to fuck everything up, but he keeps wanting to spend time with me and grow our friendship and I have no idea how to do that without flirting and continuing to get emotionally attached. I’m afraid it’s obvious even though I tell everyone that I would never betray my friend for this guy.

Basically the whole thing is a mess and I don’t know what to do.


by Anonymousreply 214March 8, 2024 9:08 PM

I’m falling for my best friend’s great grandson

by Anonymousreply 1May 24, 2023 12:31 AM

I’m falling for my best friend’s FedEx Guy.

by Anonymousreply 2May 24, 2023 12:43 AM

OP here….I wish it was a joke or an EST, but unfortunately this is legit my life. Does anyone have any real advice?

by Anonymousreply 3May 24, 2023 12:54 AM

I’m falling and I can’t get up

by Anonymousreply 4May 24, 2023 12:57 AM

I fell and now I can’t get it up.

by Anonymousreply 5May 24, 2023 12:59 AM

OP doesn't understand that he's the only one who believes there's a connection.

by Anonymousreply 6May 24, 2023 1:00 AM

Don't. Do. It. It will end in tears for all involved.

by Anonymousreply 7May 24, 2023 1:29 AM

OP? Get another life and meet other guys. Now.

by Anonymousreply 8May 24, 2023 1:32 AM

I bet you $20 that he's making an effort to be friends with you because you're important to his girlfriend and you've made up a whole fantasy where he reciprocates your infatuation while in reality he's just being friendly.

by Anonymousreply 9May 24, 2023 1:32 AM

OP, sounds like you are having trouble being a friend.

by Anonymousreply 10May 24, 2023 1:38 AM

[r9] that is solid advice. I appreciate you. You are probably right.

by Anonymousreply 11May 24, 2023 1:41 AM

DL is generally a terrible place to ask for advice, but R6 to R10 are spot on.

by Anonymousreply 12May 24, 2023 1:44 AM

Is no one going to suggest presenting hole to cut through this ambiguity?

by Anonymousreply 13May 24, 2023 1:49 AM

OP: He wants to get to know you, because you’re a part of her life, and he cares about her.

Coming on to him is stupid. You’d lose both of them.

by Anonymousreply 14May 24, 2023 1:49 AM

This is rough territory. Do you have any reason to believe the boyfriend is actually interested in guys? If not, you're setting yourself up for trouble—and even if he is, you're still setting yourself up for trouble because he's dating your best friend.

by Anonymousreply 15May 24, 2023 1:52 AM

Frau thread.

by Anonymousreply 16May 24, 2023 1:52 AM

Jack: find your own man, homo.

by Anonymousreply 17May 24, 2023 1:52 AM

I’m falling for OP’s best straight female friend’s boyfriend as well and even though I don’t know where they live, their names, or what they look like, I choose violence and am ready to get into this mess and fuck up EVERYONE’S lives.

by Anonymousreply 18May 24, 2023 1:58 AM

Whatever you do, don’t wait until he marries her, then kill her and help him spend the insurance money, then kill him.

by Anonymousreply 19May 24, 2023 1:58 AM

If real life has taught us anything, just don’t do it in front of her salad.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 20May 24, 2023 2:27 AM

[r15] OP here. He’s only ever dated women and he and my friend do have a healthy sex life…however he knows I’m gay and asks questions to me about my encounters.

I honestly don’t think he flirting back…I think I’m emotional and latching on to the first guy that has shown me any interest in years and…I agree…:he is probably only showing me interest as a way to get closer to her.

What KILLS me though is I’m a better “girlfriend” to him than she is. I ask him about his day, I watch him play his games and cheer him on, I have meaningful conversations about his future. The worst part is…in spite of all that…he still chooses her. Ah the power of the pussy must be intense.

by Anonymousreply 21May 24, 2023 2:34 AM

Nobody is really that unique or special - whatever you're feeling now you could easily start to feel about somebody else if you weren't lost in this fixation.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 22May 24, 2023 2:43 AM

[Quote] but he does have som habits that I can’t stand

Does he blow spit bubbles?

by Anonymousreply 23May 24, 2023 2:56 AM

OP - It's simple. You want something you can't have and it is easier to pine away than actually go and find someone available. You see things that are not there and even if they are you can't really expect him to leave your bff and be with you. The best you can get will be a drunken one-night stand that ruins a friendship. Be the adult here.

by Anonymousreply 24May 24, 2023 3:00 AM

[quote]I think I’m emotional

I've got news for you: we [bold]all[/bold] think you're emotional.

by Anonymousreply 25May 24, 2023 3:00 AM

[quote]What KILLS me though is I’m a better “girlfriend” to him than she is. I ask him about his day, I watch him play his games and cheer him on, I have meaningful conversations about his future. The worst part is…in spite of all that…he still chooses her.

Just stop it OP. Snap out of it. He's your friend's boyfriend and he will never be your boyfriend. If you even cared about your girl friend you wouldn't have let this situation progress to where it is now. So, do you care about your friend? Because you're being a terrible friend. I wouldn't want you in my life.

by Anonymousreply 26May 24, 2023 3:26 AM

Lord, OP, you couldn’t lack more self-awareness.

You’re wondering how your crush could value pussy he’s getting regularly so highly while you’ve not even had it once yet are so Dickmatized that you’d fuck over your best friend you’ve had for more than half your life for a guy you’ve been acquainted with for a few months.

by Anonymousreply 27May 24, 2023 3:46 AM

Don’t do it. Jerk off. Think about him. But the best way to get over him is to get under someone. Even if you hire a whore who looks like him. Don’t do anything. Mind your business. Stay in your lane. Be a good friend.

by Anonymousreply 28May 24, 2023 3:53 AM

[quote]What KILLS me though is I’m a better “girlfriend” to him than she is. I ask him about his day, I watch him play his games and cheer him on, I have meaningful conversations about his future. The worst part is…in spite of all that…he still chooses her.

That's because he's straight. Can you 'choose' to not be attracted to men? Ditto him. He's just attracted to women. He's being nice to you because you're her friend.

by Anonymousreply 29May 24, 2023 4:05 AM

[quote]R21 What KILLS me though is I’m a better “girlfriend” to him than she is. I ask him about his day, I watch him play his games and cheer him on, I have meaningful conversations about his future. The worst part is…in spite of all that…he still chooses her.[bold] Ah the power of the pussy must be intense.[/bold]

So, you’d have sex with a supportive female who treated you better than any of your boyfriends?

You might rephrase your closing as “the power of innate orientation is intense.”

by Anonymousreply 30May 24, 2023 4:47 AM

Snap out if it!

by Anonymousreply 31May 24, 2023 4:50 AM

[quote]I honestly don’t think he flirting back…I think I’m emotional and latching on to the first guy that has shown me any interest in years and…I agree…:he is probably only showing me interest as a way to get closer to her.

I think you're also confusing "showing you interest" with "not being an asshole". This tends to happen when you only associate with other gay guys for the sole purpose of fucking. You need to find a gay/bi guy WHO IS SINGLE that you have something in common with other than liking dick.

by Anonymousreply 32May 24, 2023 5:17 AM

You're a bit of a slut right?

by Anonymousreply 33May 24, 2023 5:20 AM

Just go trans, silly homo!

Then you'll have pussy power of your own to entice him with.

He'll be yours in no time!

by Anonymousreply 34May 24, 2023 5:31 AM

OP, if you are living in red, rural area, it is possible that you never had many meaningful friendships with straight men. Did a lot of the straight men bully you in HS? You are probably so unused to friendly behavior from straight men that you are not latching on to this.

This isn’t that different from when nerdy men fall in love with women who show they the slightest bit of kindness. However it is pathetic when they do it, and pathetic if you do it.

by Anonymousreply 35May 24, 2023 5:33 AM

OP. -. Get thee to Palm Springs posthaste!! Leave your girlfriend's. boyfriend alone

by Anonymousreply 36May 24, 2023 5:44 AM

It's all fun and flirty till he and his den of deplorables start making fun of your puny cocklet.

Or you could write a "woke" country western song about being a man in love with his best girl friend's man.

Assuming this is true, you know the answer is to get the fuck away from him. Maybe he knows you have a crush on him and he likes the attention, but it's never going to be anything more.

Decide what's more important: your dick or your BFF's friendship. Cry into your pillow when you're alone, but then suck it up, put on your big boy pants, and be a friend.

by Anonymousreply 37May 24, 2023 6:26 AM

How would you feel if your friend were in love with you or your boyfriend, hoping against hope you or him would be open to try it with a woman? Understanding or that she was delusional hag in need of a restraining order?

by Anonymousreply 38May 24, 2023 6:52 AM

Just what America needs right now, a woke country song about a man who falls in love with his friend’s man.

by Anonymousreply 39May 24, 2023 6:52 AM

God I fell for so many straight guys in my youth. Terrible angst. But just have a good wank while thinking about this guy, OP. You don't want to lose your hag. This will pass.

Or go full out..

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 40May 24, 2023 7:26 AM

Wasn't this a MEN.com episode a couple years ago?

"I Snatched Her Boyfriend"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 41May 24, 2023 7:26 AM

Don't even think about it, OP. Your overly fantasizing about this guy. You'll lose your friend and also make a fool of yourself. You've known her since you both were kids, and she's your friend. Act like you're A friend and get it off your mind. You'll have so much remorse if you push this fantasy.

by Anonymousreply 42May 24, 2023 9:07 AM

Drop it OP. It's going no where good.

by Anonymousreply 43May 24, 2023 9:13 AM

[quote]What KILLS me though is I’m a better “girlfriend” to him than she is.

Oh, STFU. I just lost all sympathy for you. How do you know what they talk about when they're alone, the stuff she does for him that they're not telling YOU about?

Do you know how hard it is for a single mom to find a decent guy who not only values her, but wants to be part of her kids' lives too in a non-pervy way? And it sounds like your friend may have found one, and all you can think of is how to land him for yourself, as if that were even a possibility (hint: real life is neither porn nor one of DL's fever dream posts about straight dudes). Get a grip, Mary, and be a better friend.

by Anonymousreply 44May 24, 2023 9:26 AM

[Quote] Ah the power of the pussy must be intense.

OP, he's straight. All the butthole power in the world won't change that.

by Anonymousreply 45May 24, 2023 9:28 AM

WHAT a dilemma! Be a man of integrity and morals who respects the boundaries of his friend's relationship or be a wanton selfish slut and fuck up three lives and two relationships in the process? Hmmm, tough one.

by Anonymousreply 46May 24, 2023 9:28 AM

OP here. I really do appreciate everyone’s feedback. You all are correct. I do look like a fool in this situation and he probably doesn’t have any feelings for me at all, other than the ones I’ve made up for myself.

This has been helpful. But I have a new question.

Now that we have landed on letting go, how the fuck do I do that?

Has anyone ever been in this situation where they truly have gotten over a crush with a guy they still see often? I know it would be easy to get over him if we parted ways, however, I hang with them both at least once a week.

What did u guys do or any advice on getting over a crush of a guy that you CANT be with, but still see all the time?

by Anonymousreply 47May 24, 2023 11:27 AM

OP, does he have a cat?

by Anonymousreply 48May 24, 2023 11:39 AM

That's rough. I've been there. Interacting with other gays is helpful. In time you'll meet a gay guy you'll like just as much or more than this guy. Then you laugh about all this..

by Anonymousreply 49May 24, 2023 11:40 AM

I fail to see the problem here.

by Anonymousreply 50May 24, 2023 11:41 AM

if you make one move it will be over for all of you. You will lose everyone. Is it worth it??

by Anonymousreply 51May 24, 2023 11:51 AM

[quote]What did u guys do or any advice on getting over a crush of a guy that you CANT be with, but still see all the time?

accept the fact that this is a fantasy you have created and is untethered to reality. It isn't real and you are generating these feelings completely on your own to distract you from living your real life and creating real relationships. You are either bored, seeking attention or acting out a desire to create a drama that will blow up relationships. In the unlikely event that your sexual attraction is reciprocated by this straight man, let him be the one to mention it. IF he does, it's probably a manipulation from a narcissist who will use you for ego gratification (look at the drama my specialness caused) Is addiction part of your personal or familial history? If so, get help from an addiction specialist. Best advice is to use this as a moment of introspection, it isn't about this guy, it;s about you .

by Anonymousreply 52May 24, 2023 11:54 AM


by Anonymousreply 53May 24, 2023 11:56 AM

OP, put on your big boy pants and cut the shit. Any adult would know how to move from flirty to friend. Just do it. Stop looking for excuses.

by Anonymousreply 54May 24, 2023 12:03 PM

Lots of good advice here.

Do NOT come on to this guy.

[quote] Now that we have landed on letting go, how the fuck do I do that?

[quote] Has anyone ever been in this situation where they truly have gotten over a crush with a guy they still see often? I know it would be easy to get over him if we parted ways, however, I hang with them both at least once a week.

Good questions. The answer, however, is harsh. What it has in harshness, still, is exceeded by its truth: Time.

Yes, I know how unsatisfactory that answer is and how banal that word is, but, take it from me, and a lot of others:

Passing time tends to overcome thoughts and feelings. Time's effect helps to fade them; to lesson that bright neon experience of feeling them at their most intense.

Here's proof. Do you now still feel and think about an experience you had, say, last week, whether mundane or momentous, in the same way now?

Think of that moment in the future, when you're over the crush, not so much as you letting go, but of it letting you go.

It'll happen, but still, I'd be less than forthright if I didn't say that the in-between time is a bitch, but, hang in there.

Oh, and, as others have pointed out, he knows you have a crush on him.

Honestly, don't we always know when someone is attracted to us?

by Anonymousreply 55May 24, 2023 12:25 PM

[r52] Thank you for the insight. OP here. [r51] what you said is true. [r53] I’m sorry that my personal drama is boring to you.

I know the whole thing sounds stupid, but like I said above I live in a rural red area. There aren’t many gays around. I have no gay friends. My only friends are my girlfriends and this is the FIRST time this has ever happened. She was married before and this didn’t happen with the other guy.

Here’s what kind of started the whole mess. We always hang out as a group, well one day he mentioned that he wanted to hang out one-on -one. I didn’t know how to react. My friend gave her blessing, so we did. Spending the night (Platonically) was when my emotions kind of changed. I found myself flirting with him more than usual after that and now I can’t stop thinking about him.

My concern is my friend is going to start changing toward me and not be okay with us hanging out. What’s even more upsetting is I do t even think he wants to hang out alone anymore because the one time we did caused tension in the dynamic. I also agree with you ALL above that he doesn’t even like me romantically.

Basically the whole thing is a shitshow

by Anonymousreply 56May 24, 2023 12:27 PM


by Anonymousreply 57May 24, 2023 12:29 PM

[r55] thank you for your post. The ending of it hit me like a ton of bricks. He probably HAS to know that I like him. That is both embarrassing and devastating because no good comes of him knowing that.

by Anonymousreply 58May 24, 2023 12:30 PM

[quote]I found myself flirting with him more than usual

Why were you flirting with him at all? I mean, this guy is spoken for, and by someone whom you claim is dear to you. Why did you feel that flirting should be part of your connection to him in the first place?

[quote]My concern is my friend is going to start changing toward me and not be okay with us hanging out.

And she would be totally justified in this.


Entirely possible.

by Anonymousreply 59May 24, 2023 12:31 PM

Look at all this well-meaning advice....

Be messy, gurl! Snatch that man and show him true love! Have the hottest three months of your life until he breaks it off and you throw all his stuff on the lawn.

by Anonymousreply 60May 24, 2023 12:32 PM

It's always useful when life presents opportunities to find out if one is "that gurl."

So it sounds like you're that gurl, OP.

Or would like us to think this all is real.

by Anonymousreply 61May 24, 2023 12:32 PM

[r57] [r59] [r61] this is all real and my life right now. I wish it were an EST so that it wouldn’t be happening.

I know on paper it sounds so stupid…but it’s real.

I’m trying to figure out how not to be the villain of the narrative, how not to lose my friend, how not to lose him, how not to make an ass of myself, how not to fuck everything up, and at the same time not just pretend to not like him…when I do.

Believe me, I WISH this was fake.

by Anonymousreply 62May 24, 2023 12:38 PM

[Quote]I’m sorry that my personal drama is boring to you.

I zzzzz'd r52 not you, OP. I've been there. The dick wants what the dick wants.

I live in a rural area as well but I have a husbear. This is a wake up that you have to find gay friends even if it means driving some distance regularly to find them.

by Anonymousreply 63May 24, 2023 12:53 PM

Red state or not, someone is out there for you. It’s common to have crushes on friends’ partners. If you’re afraid you’ll act on it, try to stick to day activities in public.

Stress to the couple that you’d love to meet someone. Ask them to take a weekend trip to a city with more of a scene. Maybe he’d be willing to be your wingman while she does something with her kids (or leaves them behind).

Make sure you’re not using them as a crutch to not put yourself out there.

by Anonymousreply 64May 24, 2023 12:54 PM

If he has annoying habits you might not be “falling for him” but rather horny.

by Anonymousreply 65May 24, 2023 12:55 PM

This is why they hate us.

It really is.

by Anonymousreply 66May 24, 2023 1:03 PM

^^ like straights don't fuck their friends'/ brothers' girlfriends. They're far messyer than we are.

by Anonymousreply 67May 24, 2023 1:08 PM

[quote]Stress to the couple that you’d love to meet someone. Ask them to take a weekend trip to a city with more of a scene. Maybe he’d be willing to be your wingman while she does something with her kids (or leaves them behind).

Why involve them at all? And what good is a clueless straight wingman? OP should just go to the city and do his thing. Why should the friend and her bf have to take their weekend time to attend to his social life? He's a big boy, and they'd just be acting as a crutch in another way.

by Anonymousreply 68May 24, 2023 1:10 PM

How big? 8" ?

by Anonymousreply 69May 24, 2023 1:13 PM

OP I had your problem once. I had a friend who's college roommate moved to our area with her boyfriend from West Virginia. I liked the both right off the bat but I found as time went on I was starting to have feelings for my new friend's future husband. We were together as a group almost every weekend, and our conversations were excellent from day one. He is a very smart and funny person. As my feelings grew I was confused as well. He never flirted with me or mentioned that anything about me being gay. I told our mutual friend about my problem- she in turn told them in a drunken rant one night. So it forced the conversation between he and I. He told me he knew all the while about my feelings, and attraction. He told how flattered he was because he was just a good ole boy. He told me if he were gay I would certainly be at the top of the list. I told him my feelings were my problem, that I would never ruin our friendship with my shit, and that I was honored by his approach. We are all friends to this day. I think gay men sometimes feel as if every guy is a possible sexual mate because, especially if you live in some red state, because we aren't able to share desire openly with any man- so every man could be. Also many of us don't have natural, real relationships with men that are not sexual. But don't kid yourself OP: he is straight and dating your friend. Your friendship should be enough for you to back the fuck up. He ain't yours, and will never be. I also suggest that you leave Mayberry for greener pastures.

Meanwhile meet some of his friends. Every straight man has a straight male friend who is curious. At my friends' weeding I met three guys who were interesting in person, and in bed, in West Virginia of all places.

by Anonymousreply 70May 24, 2023 1:40 PM

You need to spend more time developing your social life. Take a class, do voluntary work, join a book club. You’ll have people trying to set you up before you know it.

by Anonymousreply 71May 24, 2023 1:44 PM

OP, its really nice to have people want you. It’s even better when you are not available to have someone list after you, want you when there is no chance of anything happening. I think this guy is straight, gets an ego boost out of your interest and because he is straight it feels innocent to him, because nothing would happen. But of course totally shitty to you and super immature on his part, I hope he grows out of it (I am sure not consciously on his part). For YOU however this is going nowhere and will just mess with your friendship and distract you from people with real potential. It feels good to be wanted and desired and the guy feels it from you, that’s all it is. Upside, if it was more than that you would lose your best friend.

by Anonymousreply 72May 24, 2023 1:53 PM

OP live ya life and do you. They ain’t married. But just know, you are in a red state. If that ho murders you she will get off.

by Anonymousreply 73May 24, 2023 1:56 PM

OP in terms of what to do, I think R36 suggestion is really spot on, in that you need to immerse yourself in YOUR life a little and a trip like that is a perfect idea, or all the other suggestions that you need some make companionship/ friendship. You can’t step into your friend’s shoes and replace her (which is what you are really saying you want).

by Anonymousreply 74May 24, 2023 2:01 PM

Stop flirting with him or thinking about him. Get on Tinder or something and find some gay men.

by Anonymousreply 75May 24, 2023 2:04 PM

OP why not move? Why live in a red state with no one else to relate to and hang with? Life is too short, especially with the attacks on the gay community in red states now.

by Anonymousreply 76May 24, 2023 2:04 PM

I’m surprised no one has said this is why they hate us. This dude is obviously bi and into OP. Do a threesome OP. Is she hot too? Yes I’m a whore.

by Anonymousreply 77May 24, 2023 2:07 PM

[r70] thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate the support. You are so lucky everyone was so sophisticated about the whole thing. I don’t think my friends would be. You do add to the chorus of people that have posted that my crush likely knows I have a crush on him. Did your friend know you did as well until the drunken rant spilled the beans?

by Anonymousreply 78May 24, 2023 2:11 PM

I could @everyone but OP here and I want to say thank you all for your comments. Believe it or not it helps. I hope more people comment. It makes me not feel so alone in this situation.

by Anonymousreply 79May 24, 2023 2:13 PM

OP, I was in your shoes a few times when I was younger. A few thoughts…

1) It’s a no-win situation. Whether you act on your feelings or not, someone will be unhappy.

2) In my experience, even if you do nothing but continue being friendly towards him, she’s likely to begin suspecting you want more and resent you for it.

3) Advice? Be nice to him. That’s fine. But don’t be alone with him. At all.

4) More advice? Do not cultivate those conversations about you and your relationships and your sex life. Going down that road will make the longing worse—without ever increasing the chances of something happening with him.

And think about it. Even if there were a slim chance of this straight guy wanting to actually have sex with you, is THAT the kind of friend you want to be to this woman?

What if the situation were reversed? If some girlfriend of yours lusted after your boyfriend? And started having intimate conversations with him? How would that make you feel?

by Anonymousreply 80May 24, 2023 2:23 PM

r79 you are never alone. There isn't a situation on earth that you could get into that at least a hundred people have already been in. It was good you asked here where the people can relate and help. You'll get past this and everything will be good but you really do need to find something for yourself. If you are only hanging out with girlfriends the only men you will ever meet are their partners, which as you can see may not be very good for you.

by Anonymousreply 81May 24, 2023 2:29 PM

[r80] thank you so much for sharing your story. You nailed it on the head, that is my concern too that if my friend starts to suspect ANYTHING than I will lose both of them even if nothing happens because she will detach both of us and her and I don’t want that to happen.

[r81] thank you so much for your kind words as well. I debated forever about posting anything and ultimately decided to and I’m glad I did.

by Anonymousreply 82May 24, 2023 2:32 PM

OP- my friend did know before the drunken rant. It was the rant that really ended their friendship with her but not me. I don't know if we were sophisticated about the whole thing. I am a very honest and direct person, and so is he. So my feelings- though not spoken- could be felt I'm sure. It is easy to know when someone has feelings for you in the small gestures, and eye contact that they share. And he is a very smart man.

I would also share this: my feelings were rarely sexual. When I am truly attracted to man everything else about him turns me on, outside of the sexual part. It's one of the ways that I truly know I am interested because sex is not an issue. You probably are suffering from lust. You mentioned , more than once that they had a good sex life. maybe that's what you need too. But I am sure it is beyond difficult in a red state. That's why I said move away from Mayberry.

by Anonymousreply 83May 24, 2023 2:38 PM

r47 the best way to get over a crush is get under a new one. Go find a man you can get with not one you can't. One good dicking and you will be fine.

by Anonymousreply 84May 24, 2023 3:08 PM

Load em all up and head to Beverly. Hills that is. Swimming pools. Movie stars.

by Anonymousreply 85May 24, 2023 3:11 PM

[r83] thank you for the follow-up

by Anonymousreply 86May 24, 2023 3:22 PM

I can't believe no one has asked, but is your friend Asian?

by Anonymousreply 87May 24, 2023 4:01 PM

R87 What difference would that make?

by Anonymousreply 88May 24, 2023 4:03 PM

OP, you’re entangled in their relationship. Eventually, your presence will be an annoyance. Familiarity breeds contempt. Don’t call them as often to get together. If they want to go out, tell them they need “couple’s time” together. You don’t want to interfere with it. They will appreciate it.

In the meantime, go out, cultivate new friendships, go on trips, start a hobby, or move to a new area. You have too much time on your hands.

by Anonymousreply 89May 24, 2023 4:28 PM

Is OP back from Rome already?

Writing style and dog whistle headline is very similar to the "I've moved to Rome" thread.

by Anonymousreply 90May 24, 2023 5:51 PM

Is OP back from Rome already?

Writing style and dog whistle headline is very similar to the "I've moved to Rome" thread.

by Anonymousreply 91May 24, 2023 5:51 PM

[r90] I’m not in Rome and this is my first thread. Thanks though. I like [r89] idea. I’m big on making suggestions to get together. I should play it cool and only meet when they plan it.

That way my presence is on their terms

by Anonymousreply 92May 24, 2023 7:35 PM

[quote]I know the whole thing sounds stupid, but like I said above I live in a rural red area. There aren’t many gays around. I have no gay friends. My only friends are my girlfriends

You need to make some GAY MALE friends online and start travelling.

by Anonymousreply 93May 24, 2023 7:38 PM

[quote] think I’m emotional and latching on to the first guy that has shown me any interest in years and…I agree…:he is probably only showing me interest as a way to get closer to her.

So, you already understand what's happening and yet you somehow think that a miracle will happen and he'll suddenly fall in love with some sad, fat queen?

Why not just ram your head into a brick wall? It would be more useful than the absolute denial you're in now

by Anonymousreply 94May 24, 2023 7:39 PM

On 2nd thought OP if you grew up with this girl you ain’t nothing but a nasty whore. Have some self respect and find your own man.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 95May 24, 2023 7:41 PM

[r94] tough but fair. I don’t disagree with what you wrote of me

by Anonymousreply 96May 24, 2023 7:48 PM

I think I am going to try and back off. We are hanging soon but after that I’m going to create some distance.

by Anonymousreply 97May 25, 2023 1:10 AM

Op, while you live in a red state believe me , there are plenty of gay men there. Do go to the city, find yourself your special man. Not your best friends man. Good luck on your hunt op.

by Anonymousreply 98May 25, 2023 1:46 AM

Your poll is missing an option: grow the fuck up and stop pining for straight men.

by Anonymousreply 99May 25, 2023 1:55 AM

[quote]r97 I think I am going to try and back off. We are hanging soon but after that I’m going to create some distance.

Maybe let them know you’re looking for a boyfriend? That could ease any tension either of them is feeling. AND it’s like looking for an apartment; the more people that know then the more leads you’ll get.

by Anonymousreply 100May 25, 2023 3:36 AM

Won’t know without pics. Thanks

by Anonymousreply 101May 25, 2023 7:25 AM

I actually want to know what OP thinks 'flirting' is now. Whatever it is, he should stop. Imagine the guy as your bank manager: you want to keep on his good side, but flirting with him is a definite no.

by Anonymousreply 102May 25, 2023 9:19 AM

[r100] that’s part of the problem too. So they know that I do have a lot of hook ups and not really looking for anything long term. I think that’s where his curiosity stemmed from asking me about my sex life. It was a foreign concept to him that I could meet up with a guy I don’t really know, have sex, and then move on.

[r102] my flirting basically consists of laughing at his jokes and complimenting him. I think he would think something was up if I stopped doing either of these things, but I agree, I don’t want it to get out of hand. Im never complimenting him on his appearance or anything like that, but he’s good a stuff (games, cooking, ect) and I build him up. When we first met, I did it because I wanted him to like me, but now I realize I kinda went overboard.

by Anonymousreply 103May 25, 2023 11:14 AM

OP also how old are you? Are you Gen Z? Because I know a lot of Gen Z guys didn’t grow up with the hang ups about gay guys. He might be trying to befriend you to make you feel included. That’s how they are.

by Anonymousreply 104May 25, 2023 1:03 PM

OP: stop flirting with other people's partners. There's no excuse for this behavior. Just stop. "Laughing at his jokes" implies that you're fake-laughing to flatter him, and "complimenting him" definitely sounds creepy. You're admitting that this behavior is intentional so knock it off. You're an asshole if you keep this up. Definitely a shitty friend.

by Anonymousreply 105May 25, 2023 1:44 PM

[r104] we are in our mid-thirties. Which makes my life even more embarrassing and sad.

[r105] my concern though is if I change into a new person, I think that will make the prior behavior even more apparent. I agree I was shitty to start it, but I would feel shitty to him if I stopped abruptly. I also don’t want the whole “you are acting different” conversation.

What I really wish was I could go back in time to when this whole thing started and do it differently. I wish I wouldn’t have started flirting or whatever you want to call it and I would have been an honorable friend to my friend and also shown her straight boyfriend that not every gay person is as awful as I turned out to be.

by Anonymousreply 106May 25, 2023 2:28 PM

8 outta ten. I smell a fkin EST. At first I thought it was real too.

by Anonymousreply 107May 25, 2023 2:44 PM

OP, I think you have a larger problem here. You say you have lots of hookups but no gay male friends. This indicates that you have compartmentalized sex and affection as two separate and incompatible things.

This might help explain why you are crushing on a straight and very unavailable man. Everyone here is right that you need to learn to make some gay friends and go to places where gay people hang out.

by Anonymousreply 108May 25, 2023 3:13 PM

OP, my advice is to wait until your girlfriend is in homeroom. Then you and Dillan go behind the gym bleachers and play bury the pinky.

by Anonymousreply 109May 25, 2023 3:18 PM

You're experiencing the phenomenon known as Limerence.

It's all dopamine rushes and fantasy.

Do you find yourself compulsively thinking of them all day every day?

"If you're experiencing limerence, Depanian notes it's essential to recognize the illusion you've constructed in your head. "The version you may have built about the person is simply a glorified and exaggerated fantasy made specifically to represent the fulfillment of [your] unmet needs."


"Are your thoughts about them intrusively all-consuming and getting in the way of you living your everyday life? Do you find yourself creating a lot of meaning out of fleeting, seemingly inconsequential moments to ruminate over? If so, it's a sign that you're experiencing limerence and off-track, Depanian says. "You will fantasize about and sometimes involuntarily obsess over even the shortest, most insignificant interactions you've had with the limerent object and imagine your future together even if there is no actual relationship."

by Anonymousreply 110May 25, 2023 3:44 PM

Sorry, here's the link I intended to post above at R110.

Read this OP.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 111May 25, 2023 3:45 PM

[107] this is my life I’m sorry to say. I wish it was a made up story. I wish I wasn’t possibly ruining multiple friendships pining for a man that doesn’t love me.

[r110] I had never heard of this before. Thank you for sharing!!

by Anonymousreply 112May 25, 2023 3:48 PM

OP you are saying that you haven't had romance or, I assume sex, in years. It seems that your friend's boyfriend has aroused in you a once-dormant desire for intimacy. That's valid. So far, this is just information. Useful information. You're just observing this.

Now, where it gets weird is you are taking this renewal of sexual and relational desire and assigning the boyfriend to be the answer to fulfill these reawakened desires. You aren't just inspired by him or by their relationship. You aren't just a little jealous of what they have. You literally want to be with your friend's boyfriend and have been telling yourself that it could be an actual option.

Back it up, way back, to where you are just observing these feelings that he and their relationship is arousing in you. And now, instead of fruitlessly, decadently, impotently globbing onto your friend's good thing, take the spirit of what this is all reawakening in you and channel it towards finding your own good thing. Whether it be the need for intimacy, or community, or companionship, you have an unmet need. He's bringing something to the surface for you to explore. Read about limerence and then redirect those needs somewhere where they have a chance of actually being met.

by Anonymousreply 113May 25, 2023 5:28 PM

[quote]my concern though is if I change into a new person, I think that will make the prior behavior even more apparent. I agree I was shitty to start it, but I would feel shitty to him if I stopped abruptly. I also don’t want the whole “you are acting different” conversation.

You're overthinking ALL OF THIS. Which is probably how you were able to let your mind drift into thoughts of "what ifs" about her man in the first place. And why you are wasting your time wishing you could start over while lamenting the impossibility of change in the now.

Your monkey mind is running a zoo up in your head. Snap out of it and shut the fuck up for a minute.

You CAN recalibrate your behavior and you do NOT have to explain it. You can still be friendly and curious and nice. Just weed out the active flirtation. It shows intelligence and reflection. You don't need to make an announcement and you also don't have to become an ice queen all of a sudden.

Do you have any common sense at all? Come on, dude. Just back up a little. And redirect.

by Anonymousreply 114May 25, 2023 5:48 PM

R114 He is overthinking it because it’s a fkin EST. i was able to determine from the last post.

by Anonymousreply 115May 25, 2023 6:22 PM

[r115] I’m not an EST just a lonely gay man looking for help from other gay men that may have been in a similar situation.

I supposed my emotional stuntedness and lack of impulse control also led me to posting here looking for help.

by Anonymousreply 116May 25, 2023 7:12 PM

Hey OP,

1. It wasn't wrong to post here. Use discernment and filter out the useful feedback from the snark. Do whatever you want with the snark. Engage, don't engage. Knock yourself out. But don't take it personally.

2. You don't need to type the brackets that end up around the poster number. Just type R and the number and it will automatically put brackets around that for you once you've hit "post"

by Anonymousreply 117May 25, 2023 7:16 PM

R116 Ok I’m sorry then. You need therapy first before you try to play mr. Steal yo man.

by Anonymousreply 118May 25, 2023 7:24 PM

R117 THANK you so much for your help with the formatting, I didn’t know that and thank you for your kind words of support

by Anonymousreply 119May 25, 2023 7:27 PM

R118 the good news is we have gone past steal yo man. I have taken everyone’s advice on that.

The next steps or struggle is how to get over him and move from from my infatuation/crush/limerent and keep him as a friend and not ruin everything and move on from this mess.

by Anonymousreply 120May 25, 2023 7:29 PM

OP / R120, I can tell you're sincere about this. I would say, without getting specific, that it would be wise of you to ask for a little time off from that situation. Because infatuation is a chemical thing, often the best way to quelch it is to quit the "drug" (person) cold turkey and allow your brain chemicals to rebalance.

Seriously, it's like an addiction.

Would that be possible? They say it takes up to six weeks to withdraw from an addiction to a crush or an ex. Can you do six weeks? And use that time to redirect your energy, thoughts, habits, life.

If not, then at least it seems clear how sincere and mindful you are about all of this and it seems highly unlikely you are going to allow yourself to continue on the road you had been on.

Really good thing that you posted here, actually OP. Very self-aware of you to reach out for feedback.

by Anonymousreply 121May 25, 2023 7:37 PM

Stop flirting. Keep it all to yourself. You sound like an asshole and narcissist. For crissake, you're a stupid tool.

by Anonymousreply 122May 25, 2023 7:39 PM

R121 that is great feedback, thank you! I am actually in luck because my friend and her boyfriend are going to Florida soon on vacation and will be gone for a week so that will help. I think I’m also going to be “busy” when they get back so that even more time will pass. I think you are right and I think that will help

by Anonymousreply 123May 25, 2023 7:58 PM

Yay OP!!! Are you starting to feel a little more grounded and clear about everything? I know moving on from an unrequited crush is a bummer. We've all been there.

by Anonymousreply 124May 25, 2023 8:02 PM

R124 I am. Thank you! This has been helpful and clarifying. I knew deep down there wasn’t a path forward for us…but listening to you guys really hammer that home has been helpful

by Anonymousreply 125May 25, 2023 8:21 PM

[quote]R106 if I change into a new person, I think that will make the prior behavior even more apparent. I agree I was shitty to start it, but I would feel shitty to him if I stopped abruptly. I also don’t want the whole “you are acting different” conversation.

People change their behavior all the time, as they grow and change. You aren’t becoming a “new person,” you’re just focusing on different things.

You can still be a kind person, just stop fawning.

by Anonymousreply 126May 25, 2023 9:26 PM

OP, don't feel ashamed at all. But it definitely sounds like limerence and it's really overpowering - it overtakes the brain to the extent where you are able to convince yourself of a reality that is not true. Believe me - I've been through it several times myself. The 100% cold, hard reality is that he is not interested in you in any romantic or sexual way and you are misinterpreting his general amiability. If a person is truly interested in you, you don't normally have to join up the clues. Most men make it pretty obvious.

But you are latching onto the positive reinforcement and it's all about the dopamine. But it's all make believe. Do you feel incredibly anxious thinking about him and in his presence? This is usually a pretty good indicator of limerence. I can tell from your comments that this is all-consuming for you and that's another good indicator of limerence. It's not a healthy response.

The worst thing about limerence is that it can make you act in ways that are alien to your nature - in this case putting the needs, wants and happiness of your long-term friend at the bottom of the list. Again it's not your fault - that's just limerence. And you also keep getting drawn back in and convince yourself again and again (even when you feel like you're being realistic) that he likes you. It's a wrestling match you can't win on will-power alone because your brain is tricking you for the dopamine.

I second the poster who said you need to take some time away - you really really do. You need to remove yourself from this situation - anyway you could go travelling for a little while? You should never spend time alone with this guy until you have shaken the attraction - it's a recipe for disaster and embarrassment. While you're still kicking around, the limerence will linger and you will keep on interpreting the smallest display of affection as romantic interest. I also second therapy - it's great to get to the bottom of why you feel like this and what it is about this guy that you idealise so much.

I wish you all the best. If I can get through it, you can too. Knowing what it is can really help so I'd recommend reading up on limerence.

by Anonymousreply 127May 25, 2023 9:45 PM

R127 thank you so much for your kind words and information. I think you are spot on. I definitely think this is limerence. I think about him all the time, to the detriment of the rest of my life. I had never heard of such a thing until I posted here and it basically sums up every relationship I have ever had with a guy.

Can I ask a question? Is distance the only thing that works for limerence? I’m going to dinner at their house this weekend and then we have plans together as a group the next few weekends, then they go on their vacation. So a break is definitely happening but it’s not until mid June. Are there any other things that worked for you (or anyone reading this) that worked for limerence besides just avoiding?

by Anonymousreply 128May 25, 2023 10:22 PM


by Anonymousreply 129May 25, 2023 10:33 PM

Here, OP. Read this.

I do think you can maintain your plans but you really do have to face the reality of this, and it may bring up feelings of grief. If you need to cry, then cry.

Here's a great bit from the article:

"Limerence is not a route to a purposeful life. If anything, limerence is a signal from your subconscious that something is not right, that you are craving something new, and seeking relief from an emotional ache that you feel someone else can fix. But, living a purposeful life can protect you from unwanted limerence, empower you to act when you become limerent for someone who actually could be a worthy SO, and enable you to direct the energy that limerence can give you towards worthwhile endeavours."

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 130May 25, 2023 10:55 PM

This entire website is a great resource, there's tons of articles. I'm learning a few things about my own self, OP!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 131May 25, 2023 10:56 PM

From the article above:

"If you are frustrated by the insatiable desire of limerence, things are less simple. You can’t habituate by forming a stable bond with them, but there are strategies available to decrease the reward that they offer and to activate your prefrontal cortex to drive feedback suppression indirectly. That is where self-reflection as the high cognitive level of desire comes in – cultivating self-discipline, avoiding using limerence as mood regulation, and looking for new, healthier rewards through purposeful living can work wonders. "

by Anonymousreply 132May 25, 2023 11:00 PM

R128 No problem at all - I know how traumatic it can be because the emotions seem so real but they are totally artificial. And nobody can quite understand the level of pain that accompanies it.

The quickest way to kill limerence is to confront your limerent object and tell them. It's not immediate but you get over in record time. I would not advise it in this scenario because you can't cut and run - definitely keep your distance, remain amicable and then take a break. Resist the urge to indulge or lean into your limerence - kill those fantasies whenever you find yourself thinking of them. It's also worth setting aside 10 minutes at the end of the day when you think about him. Whenever during the day he crosses your mind, you stop yourself because you have to wait for those 10 minutes you set aside. It really works.

by Anonymousreply 133May 25, 2023 11:02 PM

OP You are far too old for this.

by Anonymousreply 134May 25, 2023 11:11 PM

you should post in that thread ---Have you ever been obsessed with another person?

by Anonymousreply 135May 25, 2023 11:13 PM

OP here. Thank you so much R130 for these resources!

by Anonymousreply 136May 25, 2023 11:15 PM

R134 limerence is involuntary - it's not OP's fault and can happen to the best of us, no matter the age. All those posters claiming this is an EST or dismissing OP's anguish are very lucky that they've never had to navigate their way through it. I wouldn't wish limerence on my worst enemy.

OP is clearly self-aware and receptive which is a great first step. Many who suffer from limerence are unwilling to face reality. They waste months and in some cases years of their lives believing the object of their affections holds a torch for them.

by Anonymousreply 137May 25, 2023 11:23 PM

I've learned some eye-opening things on this thread today. Number one, that if you feel anxiety when thinking about your crush, that could be limerence. If you have intrusive thoughts about your crush, you may be veering into unhealthy territory. I have always felt obsessively in love with people in the beginning to the point of not being able to concentrate sometimes. That's pretty much every relationship when I catch feelings. But that phase usually fades as things get more stable and settled.

But with my last relationship, it never faded. For a year. I had anxiety all the time. I thought about him all day, every day. Checked for texts all day. Heart would skip with every text. I rearranged my life to accommodate his schedule. The anxiety never went away. I think that one must have been limerence. In my mind he was The One, so perfect, I could never find another as perfect. I would analyze our exchanges and often go to bed beating myself up over perceived "mistakes" I'd made on the phone.

This wasn't a fantasy relationship but I definitely was having fantasies about us being together forever, even though he did not show up as solid partner material. He was kind of immature. Inexperienced in love, and intermittently emotionally available. He would run hot and cold, all-in one minute and then he'd pull back the next. I could never relax.

I became totally fucking obsessed. My brain chemistry went crazy. I don't know if he ever knew or knows how obsessed I was. I tried to play it cool. When he decided to end things with me and pursue another love interest, I fucking lost my mind. I thought I was literally going to die. There was a lot of begging and pleading. Lots of crying, sobbing. I was watching you tube videos about Twin Flames, I was a mess. It took months to let it go. Complicating my healing was the notion that he wanted to stay "pals," and would beg me not to go no contact with him. But I just couldn't shut off my feelings and go back to "friends." I had to go no contact. After about a month of no contact, everything started to calm down and I started to remember my other interests.

I really do think it's all about the dopamine system. Anything kind of "reward" that is intermittent, unpredictable, unstable, or just out of reach can set you off on a dopamine odyssey. I know that's not as romantic as "love at first sight" but when it's a case of "if this is wrong, I don't WANT to be right," then you can bet there is some dopamine modulation going on there.

by Anonymousreply 138May 25, 2023 11:37 PM

R133 thank you again so much for all of your help with this situation. Your support has been so amazing.

R138 thank you for sharing your story. I relate to so much of it. You are not alone!

by Anonymousreply 139May 26, 2023 12:25 AM

Have you even made an attempt to reach out to men who aren't into women? Of not then you are doomed to a life of disappointment.

by Anonymousreply 140May 26, 2023 12:36 AM

Is the fact that you live in a red rural area part of the issue, OP? Does it make it harder to date? Are you lonely there? Do you lack a solid community of like-minded sorts who embrace you and validate your "you-ness"? And does it also make it more meaningful and exciting for a hetero man to pay attention to you in a meaningful, caring way and to give you juice? I live in liberal Western Mass and so I couldn't really know what it is like for you but I could imagine you may feel more isolated and more "other" than I do. I imagine it is a part of your story, and perhaps part of your challenge, since you included those details in your original post.

by Anonymousreply 141May 26, 2023 12:43 AM

R140 R141 where I live there are maybe 5 openly gay people and having a relationship with any of them is a non-starter. My work/life is only around straights.

I will say all of my girlfriends have had many boyfriends/husbands and this is the only time this have ever happened. I think what makes it worse is he’s not even someone I would normally like.

He started out as a pest and I kinda hated him because she kept wanting to include him in our group activities and I resented it because I valued our time alone as friends and the first time I met him, I really didn’t like him at all.

Cut to 4 months later and I’m in limerence or whatever with him and hopelessly so.

by Anonymousreply 142May 26, 2023 1:02 AM

OK R142 I really do think your initial take on him was probably "your truth." He's not your type, and as you said earlier, he has habits or qualities that you find annoying. And yet, when he showed you sincere interest and attention, a switch got thrown.

You're in limerence but it's not hopeless. It's really valuable information.

You're realizing that you need more than your current life is providing. The limerence is a chemical thing. You're getting a fix off of the novelty of this person's attention and presence in your life.

He is not the answer, to what's mission in your life but your feelings for him are a clue to what you need.

Aw poor thing, I would take you out for some adventure if I could. You need some excitement!

by Anonymousreply 143May 26, 2023 1:10 AM


by Anonymousreply 144May 26, 2023 1:11 AM

[quote] I’m falling for my best friend’s FedEx Guy.

I’m falling for my best friend’s meth dealer. This is not going to end well. I’m screwed.

by Anonymousreply 145May 26, 2023 2:07 AM

[quote] What KILLS me though is I’m a better “girlfriend” to him than she is. I ask him about his day, I watch him play his games and cheer him on, I have meaningful conversations about his future. The worst part is…in spite of all that…he still chooses her. Ah the power of the pussy must be intense.

Yup, the pussy and the pole - a match made in eternity.

by Anonymousreply 146May 26, 2023 2:12 AM

Hey, again, OP. It sounds like you’re beginning to figure out how to manage the situation without going nuts. I have a few more thoughts.

1) When I’ve fallen hard for someone who was clearly unavailable to me, I also felt for a while that he was the total package. Looks, brains, heart, and on and on.

Sure, someone may have lots of great qualities. But your brain in that situation becomes selective; it starts blotting out his less appealing traits. With time—and open eyes—you stop making excuses for his negative qualities and see him for the flawed human he really is.

In your case, you saw that right up front. But your desire for him took control. I’m not saying he’s an awful person. Just saying that your desire for something more made it impossible to see his flaws.

2) Guess I’m just reiterating what others here have said, but it’ll help tremendously if you can refocus your attention on other pursuits. Hobbies, volunteer work, making art, whatever. In other words, compel your mind to get filled with other ideas.

3) There will always be folks here who are needlessly critical or harsh. Ignore them. Better still, tap that third icon… the slashed face.

4) Don’t blame yourself for the challenge you face in meeting men. I live in a gay-as-fuck neighborhood in a massive city and it’s still hard. Can’t imagine how daunting it would be where you are.

Good luck!

by Anonymousreply 147May 26, 2023 2:40 AM

R147 OP here. Thank you so much for all of your kind words and your experience. I think you had a good idea. I think what will help is if I write down the things about him that I don’t like so I can have a cleared eyed view of him. You are right, he’s not a bad person…but he’s not the right person for me and I have made my infatuation with him muddle in my mind the reality of who he is…not the fantasy of who I want him to be.

Wanting him to be who I want him to be so that he would like me back the same way I like him, isn’t fair to him, me or her.

by Anonymousreply 148May 26, 2023 10:44 AM

You're a good egg, OP.

by Anonymousreply 149May 26, 2023 1:34 PM

For crying out loud. We now have a "Limerence Stan" troll. PLEASE DO NOT TYPE THAT WORD AGAIN, you annoying troll. The concept was crystal clear by the third occurrence of the word in this thread. The next eleventythousand mentions is your fucking OCD. Look that up. That is YOUR diagnosis.

by Anonymousreply 150May 26, 2023 2:03 PM

OP hear with an update. We all had dinner at my friends house.

I made it a concerted effort not to be alone with him at any point of the evening. I tried to rein in my flirting to just normal pleasantries.

Somehow the evening still devolved into a Whos Afraid of Virgina Woolf of sorts. They have issues that have nothing to do with me and so that was extremely clarifying for myself that even though I was creating an issue inside my own head, I am ultimately not the problem that is creating a weird dynamic in this threesome of friendship.

Thank you so much to everyone on DL for your kind words. I do believe in time this whole thing will pass and hopefully I will look back on the whole thing as “that summer” and that will be the end of it.

by Anonymousreply 151May 28, 2023 3:53 PM

And yes I can “oh dear” myself that I wrote “hear with an update instead of “here with an update”

by Anonymousreply 152May 28, 2023 4:15 PM

R151 I'm pleased to hear it - it sounds like you're on the road to recovery.

by Anonymousreply 153June 2, 2023 2:21 AM

R153 thank you for all of your support and help. This thread was very helpful.

I’m not going to lie, it was painful at first to read the replies where people called me an awful person or to drive home the point that he didn’t like me and and I had created this whole thing in my head….however the constructive posts definitely made a difference and made me feel not so very much alone.

I think I will look back on this and be amazed that it even happened. I think it DID speak to my loneliness more so than whatever kind of candidate he was for someone to love.

I agree with everyone that if I had more dates or more prospects, the whole thing would never have happened to begin with as he is not even openly gay or remotely interested in me…it seems.

Thank you all!

by Anonymousreply 154June 2, 2023 1:14 PM

This was all an EST. The OP of this idiotic thread started a similar one a few days ago and just got busted.

Ignore proves he’s the OP of both ESTs. Pathetic OP as well as pathetic posters who fell for it.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 155July 2, 2023 2:04 AM


by Anonymousreply 156July 2, 2023 12:32 PM

[quote] Pathetic OP as well as pathetic posters who fell for it.

ESTs are entertaining. I'd rather "fall" for it and have something to post about than wait around for people to post real problems.

by Anonymousreply 157July 2, 2023 12:38 PM

OP here with an update for those that still care though I doubt no one does.

I hadn’t really updated since July because nothing much changed until just a couple of weeks ago. My friend went out of town on a business trip and her boyfriend didn’t go with her. (The company said spouses could go but they would pay their travel/lodging expenses)

He suggested we hang out since he was by himself for the week and we picked two dates. My friend knew he and I were hanging and…though slightly annoyed…she seemed okay with the situation.

Both times we hung out we did events/dinners. I wasn’t alone with him either time at their house. There was no kissing, no embraces, no nothing. There were a couple moments during the hangouts that I could have opened up more…but ultimately chose not to. Nothing was expressed and no feelings were shared. The whole thing was innocent.

Well my friend came home and I haven’t spoken to her or him since. No texting and nothing on social media (which is unusual)

I’m convinced that even though nothing happened…it ultimately finally broke the friendship.

I don’t know that I’ll ever see either of them again.

So at this point, the story ended how you all said it would. Them together, me alone and both of them severing ties with me.

I figured id be more upset…but I think because it was all so predictable…I’m really not. I think I finally realized he’s not mine so I didn’t really lose him. And she wasn’t really my friend in the end, so I’m not really mourning the end of a friendship

If anyone followed this, what I would say is that if all of your friends tell you “this is how this ends” they are usually right and you have to decide if two platonic dates is worth losing all together.

by Anonymousreply 158December 14, 2023 2:03 AM

It’ll pass.

by Anonymousreply 159December 14, 2023 9:52 AM

He rang my doorbell at 11:30 pm. He came inside and told he was feelin’ kind of lonely and that only I would do. See how love goes?

by Anonymousreply 160December 14, 2023 8:31 PM

Do nothing- stay clear of your friends boyfriend! Grow up and control the tendency to behave like a sociopath. And rural life is not remotely an excuse. Go find a boyfriend of your own- or not. .

by Anonymousreply 161December 14, 2023 8:56 PM

Update for those of you who care (and those who don’t)

1) he has completely ghosted me. Nothing on social media. Nothing via text.

2) she has briefly texted at me in group texts but their is an annoyance in her tone and avoidance of making any kind of plans to even hang in a group setting.

3) what I find so sad about this whole thing is he and I didn’t sleep together or share any kind of affection. Nothing was even said. Yes, I developed feelings for him but never acted on them or voiced them. So my friendship of 25 years with her was destroyed because I hung out with him four times in a non-sexual way and he has completely ghosted me if as if I was disposable even though I never did anything to him.

The expression is fuck around and find out. I didn’t fuck…but I still found out and am all alone now. Which is how this was going to end…it was all so predictable.

by Anonymousreply 162December 19, 2023 11:47 PM

“We bring you back to this week’s featured Lifetime original ‘My Best Friend’s Boyfriend’!”

by Anonymousreply 163December 19, 2023 11:52 PM

If they've dropped you, you must have done something to make them feel uncomfortable.

by Anonymousreply 164December 19, 2023 11:53 PM

This is how a teenager behaves. Either a troll or someone who “isn’t attracted to other gay men”.

by Anonymousreply 165December 20, 2023 1:14 AM

Did u gape

by Anonymousreply 166December 20, 2023 1:31 AM

Did he make you squirt?

by Anonymousreply 167December 20, 2023 2:02 AM

I can almost guarantee that you are imagining the “connection” that you have with this person.

by Anonymousreply 168December 20, 2023 3:11 AM

I vote kill yourself for being a shallow whore.

by Anonymousreply 169December 20, 2023 3:51 AM

See how the love goes

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 170December 20, 2023 11:49 AM

If you listen to the lyrics of the pointer sisters song above, it describes this situation in the lyrics.

by Anonymousreply 171December 20, 2023 4:32 PM

Update for anyone that cares.

The four of us had dinner. There was tension between my friend and I all evening. We were polite…but not our usual selves.

Still though it was a pleasant enough evening until I made an under my breath comment about her attitude with something.

That set her off. She had a meltdown at the dinner table and everything went to smithereens.

Naturally we didn’t have a fight about the thing we actually are fighting about but instead had a proxy argument about something that didn’t really matter.

He didn’t defend me. But what could he do? He’s her boyfriend…he’s not mine and not even really my friend anymore.

Then again, neither is she.

The evening went horribly from there. We finished dinner but nobody said much.

Some poems don’t rhyme. Some endings don’t have a happy finish. Some friendships don’t last.

by Anonymousreply 172December 28, 2023 12:19 AM

[quote]r172 The four of us had dinner.


by Anonymousreply 173December 28, 2023 12:25 AM

How many personalities were at dinner Sybil?

by Anonymousreply 174December 28, 2023 12:30 AM

Hopefully the 4th was OP’s therapist, who volunteered to attend?

by Anonymousreply 175December 28, 2023 12:50 AM

R175 there are four of us in the friend group. We usually go out together as a foursome. My friend, her boyfriend, myself and our fourth friend.

by Anonymousreply 176December 28, 2023 2:03 AM

Reading your post at R172 - the whole friendship is over OP.

Move along and don't let this happen again you idiot.

by Anonymousreply 177December 28, 2023 2:08 AM

This story is too slow, wake me up when we get to the sex

by Anonymousreply 178December 28, 2023 5:12 AM

Go out and get yourself laid. You’ll gain some perspective.

by Anonymousreply 179December 28, 2023 6:29 AM

[quote]That set her off. She had a meltdown at the dinner table and everything went to smithereens


How old are you? 60?

Way too old for this. Go find a gay guy or learn how to drive.

by Anonymousreply 180December 28, 2023 7:56 AM

Poppycock, r180!

by Anonymousreply 181December 28, 2023 8:10 AM

OP is your first name Dee and your last name Lusional?

by Anonymousreply 182December 28, 2023 8:26 AM

I’m 35, but use old timey phrases all the time. I work with mostly older women over 50 in an office setting, so it all kinda picks up

by Anonymousreply 183December 28, 2023 1:24 PM

All righty here is an update for anyone that cares.

The guy in this story has basically cut off contact with me except for group settings and even then conversation is minimal

The girl in this story has really cut down on contact with me except in group settings.

The girl and the guy in this story are closer than they ever were. Whenever we are in group settings they talk about little funny quirks they have, the shows they watch, the plans they make, the vacations they’ll take. The lives they will have.

For me, it’s the end of pretend.

We have one more group outing that was preplanned for Friday.

After that, I’m out.

To my credit, I have really cut back on looking at their social media. I stopped messaging him privately about anything.

If he had wanted to pursue a friendship, he would have. He doesn’t and he won’t.

I’m accepting this will be painful for some time. I’m accepting I will feel lonely.

I’m accepting the end of pretend.

by Anonymousreply 184January 31, 2024 5:48 PM

It's about damned tie. Now get out here and build a wonderful life for yourself. You are not a social cripple and your life should not revolve around them anyway. Why wait until after the next outing. Just end it now.Get the "flu" or something. And if you can, get out of town.

by Anonymousreply 185January 31, 2024 5:58 PM

He's toying with you. Run.

by Anonymousreply 186January 31, 2024 6:09 PM

R186 he did and I fell for it and I was a loser the whole time

by Anonymousreply 187January 31, 2024 7:48 PM


So at the end of all of this you really have learned nothing?

by Anonymousreply 188January 31, 2024 8:08 PM

OP, it looks to me that they have turned you into a scapegoat for all their problems, and have used the hostility she's developed towards you as a means to blame all of their issues on you and delude themselves into thinking that their lives would be perfect, were it not for you. This is a rather sad state of affairs but, sadly, many couples resort to this form of triangulation in order to consolidate and repair their relationship; it's like those battered women who seek help from a friend or relative in order to redirect their abuser's anger towards somebody else, and while the other person becomes the target of their resentment, aggression and despair, the couple live a renewed honeymoon period that, invariably, will deteriorate into fights until they find someone else to blame for their problems. In short, it's painful, but you have the advantage that you can see the relationship's dynamics from the outside, and be more objective.

I'm sorry that this situation has devolved into a cold war situation, especially because your infatuation was never expressed and you never tried to do anything untoward but, alas, maybe there is a silver lining to this entire mess and this will allow you to identify which emotional needs of yours are being unfulfilled, and look for a man with whom you can build a happy relationship. As for your friend and her boyfriend, well, let them wallow in their own misery.

By the way, many posters have made some EXTREMELY intelligent and insightful contributions. It's been a pleasure reading them.

by Anonymousreply 189January 31, 2024 8:10 PM

One thing I have to say. Thank you, OP for coming back with an update. Most of the time people post shit and then we never hear anything further. Fuck them. Get your own life. Have fun.

by Anonymousreply 190January 31, 2024 8:14 PM

My mother had a term for people like you, OP: “Dumb bitch.”

by Anonymousreply 191January 31, 2024 8:20 PM

This one's for you, OP...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 192January 31, 2024 8:23 PM

Good for you op!

I hate users!

by Anonymousreply 193January 31, 2024 8:40 PM

OP here. Final update for anyone who ever cared.

We all had lunch two weeks ago. I could tell the friendship was kaput completely when he cancelled upcoming plans. I got into an argument with them at the table and left.

Throughout the week, texts were sent. She finally came out and said she knew I liked him and my behavior was unacceptable. He admitted he agreed with her that because of my behavior, he had backed off of our friendship. Basically they both blamed me for everything.

The kicker is they both ended their texts saying they wanted to stay friends.


If I was convinced my friend liked my boyfriend, why would I still want to be friends with him?

If I had a girlfriend and I was thinking her gay best friend liked me to the point that I backed off from having a personal friendship with him, why would I still want to be friends with him?

I wrote them both that I mourn our friendship ending and wish them well.

I know it was the logical ending to a story that you all saw coming. But it’s painful nonetheless.

by Anonymousreply 194March 8, 2024 1:26 PM

R194 I'm sorry. I don't think you acted on your feelings so kudos to you. Too bad they had to react like that, it's not like you made any move on him

by Anonymousreply 195March 8, 2024 2:55 PM

OP maybe one of them read this thread and connected the dots?

by Anonymousreply 196March 8, 2024 3:01 PM

R195 thank you! I never did act on anything and never betrayed my friend…but lost them both anyway.

R196 that would be hysterical if they read Datalounge. I don’t think they would understand the Betty Buckley jokes at all.

What’s painful is I really didn’t do anything wrong and yet I’m the one with no friends. They have eachother and honestly are probably happier without me being there. So even though I’m the one detaching, I’m the one who lost.

Story of my life.

by Anonymousreply 197March 8, 2024 3:05 PM

They sound insufferable OP. You’re better off without them. Probably both closet homophobes. Success is always the best revenge, so get out there, do cool things, meet new people, they’re not worth even thinking about.

by Anonymousreply 198March 8, 2024 3:08 PM

You aren't the one who lost OP. If your lifelong friend doesn't respect that you didn't make any move or do anything improper, that's on her.

It's not like she as much as caught you making off with his sweaty undies.

by Anonymousreply 199March 8, 2024 3:13 PM


“I really do don’t do anything wrong”

Sweetie it’s DL none of us who post here do anything wrong when we have misfortune. It’s always 100% of the time someone else’s fault.

And here I thought you might be the person that accepted hospitality and friendship from your best friend from HS then like a sneak wanted to fuck and steal their boyfriend. Proving they were a dishonest sneak and untrustworthy. Glad you were not that one.

by Anonymousreply 200March 8, 2024 3:18 PM

Made me think of this. Only a glimpse of the beautiful gone too soon Ben Oar as this wasn't his lead.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 201March 8, 2024 3:42 PM

/Ben Orr (damn spell correct)(

by Anonymousreply 202March 8, 2024 3:58 PM

R21 R197

So you are the sneak OP that tried to be a better “girlfriend” to your now former best friend’s boyfriend then whined to DL that he constantly chooses her over you.

Dropping your sneaky ass was the smart thing. I’d not trust you at all. And neither should have they trusted you.

I’d have locked up my valuables when you came around. What can be worse than trying to sabotage your best friends relationships after they invited you into their lives.

But the good thing on DL there will be those who support you despite your treachery to a best friend.

by Anonymousreply 203March 8, 2024 4:12 PM

R203 you're misremembering. OP didn't plan to seduce the boyfriend, just wanted to deal with his feelings and try to make the best of an awkward situation.

It sounds like his friends just turned on him. How did your friend finally work out you fancied him OP?

by Anonymousreply 204March 8, 2024 4:52 PM

If you're reading this OP

You know what you're going to do. You're just waiting for permission. Whore.

by Anonymousreply 205March 8, 2024 4:59 PM


You are correct about the OPs original post. Not for his follow up post.

In that one he made it clear that flirted, he knew no other way, he states he was a better girlfriend than the actual girlfriend, and he was disappointed he always picked the actual girlfriend over him the op.

They needed the op out of their life and with luck they have done so.

by Anonymousreply 206March 8, 2024 5:13 PM

R206 he wasn't trying to take the girlfriend's place, he just felt he had a connection. He didn't think he had a chance and found it difficult to be around him.

by Anonymousreply 207March 8, 2024 5:30 PM

“The worst part….despite all of that…. he still choose her”

Talking in R21 about his self identified girlfriend experience , as he saw it, and his flirting with his now former best friends boyfriend.


I hope the best for the OP but he was a creep to them, especially to her, and now they are out of his life. Support him and defend his behavior all you want.

by Anonymousreply 208March 8, 2024 6:29 PM

OP maybe she caught her boyfriend wanking over your pics and that's why she's so mad

by Anonymousreply 209March 8, 2024 6:34 PM

The moral of the story: unless you start flirting and dating gay men it will always end in tears.

Sometimes you have to travel. Maybe you should move somewhere else.

by Anonymousreply 210March 8, 2024 7:43 PM


Oh like he won’t try to steal his best gay friends boyfriend away because of a 13 yo like crush?

by Anonymousreply 211March 8, 2024 8:05 PM

R211 no I don't think he would, he was just trying to navigate a difficult situation the best he could, with this straight guy's cock be constantly thrown in his face.

by Anonymousreply 212March 8, 2024 8:19 PM

Seduce him, and have her find out when you're in the middle of sex. Film it all for men.com.

by Anonymousreply 213March 8, 2024 8:20 PM


The OP is the type to fall in love at the check out line at costco when a male check out professional says have a nice day. Surely a sign of affection.

Then the op will go home and wonder if have a nice day also means I want to fuck you. Then he will decide he is in love despite what have a nice day means in this case.

And in a month his apt will be totally filled with 100s of very large containers of food.. and Costco will have a restraining order out on him.

No one said love was going to be easy.

by Anonymousreply 214March 8, 2024 9:08 PM
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