Let's Be a Lesbian Thanksgiving

I'm the cranberry sauce dripping down my inner thighs.

I am the bucket of KFC that always arrives with at least one lesbo.

I'm the five canes in the hallway by the door. Judy, Judy, Pat, and Mary Jane are using theirs in the house however.

I’m the pick up

The street and driveway in front of the host house has more Subarus than the average well stocked Subaru dealer.

I'm the quinoa salad molded in the shape of the turkey that won't be served on Vegetarian Thanksgiving.

I’m the Indigo Girls cassette playing in the background.

I’m the 15th iteration of this singularly wit free thread.

I'm the pot. Copious amounts.

I’m the fish smell that is rampant.

Mein Furher!!! There was already a thread about this years ago.

I'm the football blaring on the TV.

We're Pat and Kathy. We're not sure why we were invited.

I'm the Turkey baster loaded up with baby batter.

I'm the stories that are meant to be funny but somehow just...aren't.

Did Mary Jane tell you what happened to her at Costco yesterday?

I’m the snatch breath on Etta Mae. She loves eating pussy!

I am the butt crack showing when I bend down just like straight fat white dudes.

I'm the free bread pudding

The Turkey blaster cannot be used for food.

I'm the processing through tears coming up after dessert.

I'm the nutloaf stuffing. And the nut-free, 'mock nutloaf stuffing' for the allergic gals amongst us.

I'm the crate filled with "Free to a loving, and intensively investigated home" [bold]Thanksgiving Kittens.

I’m the “NO SCENTS” sign hanging next to the doorbell.

I'm the "queer" friend, who really wasn't invited but shows up anyway, and has never actually been with a woman, but I talk about our collective struggle as often as I can.

I'm the Birkenstocks lined up in the entryway.

I'm the winged mullet that transitions from the lumber counter at Home Depot to a "Friendsgiving" feast.

No working stylist can replicate it, but half the "sisters" in attendance have been rocking it since the 80's.

I'm the out of touch old gay man who thinks his wildly outdated and utterly unrealistic caricatures of gay women are amusing somehow. I'm so predictable and kind of an embarrassment..

I'm the Pumpkin Cheesecake Bars, because Pumpkin Pie 🥧 is a disgusting symbol of the patriarchy!

I am the Lemon Drop shots to separate the boys, er um, the dykes form the fems.

I’m the bitter manhater who can’t take a joke, used to be Michfest regular, and still call myself a separatist. I just can’t seem to get away from men though.

I'm the insensitive dyke who brought her penised person child.

This thread is NOT funny.

Lol.

I'm "A League of Their Own." I've been waiting in the DVD player since last year's festivities ended early and abruptly. Thanks Sarge.

I'm the pot of giblets simmering on the stove. They're for the blind and incontinent rescue foster dog brought along for the day because Pat didn't want to leave him alone all day. He would have been much less stressed out at home.

I'm turqoise jewelry, feathers, imitation buckskin wearing pretendian Vulva Raindancesongwind, my pronouns are them/they, i'm neurodivergent and only have 1 spoon left to give for my dear sweet cista r27 who is right this so outdated, which is why i'm smearing my face with period blood and protesting this entire colonial transphobic event.

I am the vegan, gluten-free stuffing. Except with the hair or two from the cats and/or dogs, it’s not truly vegan.

I am the boy with two butch moms who has no friends because he is approaching puberty and already looks like a chubby baby dyke. Mom A is trying to do a good job, but Mom B wants nothing to do with a growing penis in her orbit. They try to have male figures come around once in a blue moon but it never rubs off because they are seen as necessary evils for the child's development and not something they enjoy or would do if they didn't feel obligated to.

I’m Barb. I’m the elder Lez who settles all disputes amongst the girls each holiday after I’ve had Turkey. My judgements are strictly followed by everyone in our circle.

^Elderlez

I'm Sal. There are stories how this now ancient dyke was once the hottest lipstick in town but internalized misogny screams out it's a trap. Every twenty minutes she leans to the side and raises a buttcheek, realsing a massive fart as she cackles and slaps you on the back. Your eyes water, your nostrils enflamed, you swear you can taste it. You're ready to crawl into under the house and die.

I’m Big Ann. Make sure I have a real dining room chair and not some kind of folding chair, but don’t say anything out loud about it or there’ll be an incident.

I am large Marge and will always be in charge.

I'm the beer and cigarette run at 11am. There's no way the 4 bottles of wine on the counter are going to put the happy in this Thanksgiving.

I'm the gluten-free vegan meal offered to those who are gluten-free AND vegan. Dammit why did you have to invite Brenda?

I’m the 3 rescue pit bulls and their owners’ automatically defensive speech about how wonderful of a breed we are. “Don’t worry they won’t hurt you, they’re super sweet. You know they get a bad rap, but it’s all in how you raise them.”

We’ll wait under a table for scraps and hopefully it’s enough food, because if someone rubs us the wrong way we might rip a face off tonight.

Our names are Angel, Teensy, and Spencer.

I’m the endless conversation about Tàr.

Does a great lesbian artist need to be a great lesbian person?

I’m the icy 🥶 Schlitz Beer cans and the American Spirits

R48 actually Donna didn’t put enough ice in the cooler last night, so they’re tepid at best.

I'm the vicious argument over whether the tea is pumpkin spice or chai.

“Bev, I’m not telling you again… that goddamn tea is fucking Pumpkin Spice! I know, because I bought it at Dollar Tree years ago! If Donna finds the box you’re gonna be proven wrong.”

I'm Rosie O'Donnell's latest foster child, hiding food.

I'm the same thread from 2018

We can’t be NEW & IMPROVED

I'm the mid dinner lecture about how Thanksgiving is a patriarchal colonialist construct. Yet here we are anyway, celebrating OUR version of it.

I'm the next idiot that will complain but there can't be another thread like this every fucking year because we did one way back when and the thread is closed. Waaah. Pass the giblets.

It should be a Happy 😃 DL tradition

Mock all you like, the fact is that Lesbians tend to be awesome people and we should appreciate them.

I was at a wildlife preserve today, there was a sick bird by the trail and everyone who walked by asked if anyone was "... going to do something". Well, what do you think happened? Some unfeminine older women came along, threw a jacket over the bird and bunged it into a dog carrier they happened to have along, and said they knew where a wildlife rescue place was open on a Sunday! If something needs doing, and it needs to be done quickly and competently, ask a lesbian.

There's nobody to fly the plane!! Are there any lesbians on board?

There’s nothing wrong with a little humor, dear. For Gawd’s sake don’t summon that Womanface troll who will hijack the thread to rant about drag queens more than any Trumptard you’ve ever met. Ugh.

They just happened to have a spare dog crate and know a wildlife center that was open Sunday? How fortunate.

Too bad the bird can’t tell us how it got “sick.” No matter—rescue was at hand. Bird gets saved and the ever-prepared lesbian gets rescue karma and a story that will be well-told.

I’m the endless sight of cargo shorts. Just like the turkey, my private region has been groomed and stuffed to appear larger for this evening’s “dinner”…

I’m the omnipresent giblets—and not just the ones that go with the turkey.

I'm the sick bird, nursed to a healthy weight by heroic, hunter-gatherer lesbians. I'll be served next to the tofurky.

Everyone be dancing like Ellen

We're the LL Bean Fleece-Lined Primaloft Vests everyone wore to the dinner, and now covering the couch in the den. We're an assortment of colors in burgundy, glacier and spruce pine - all in XL.

I'm the nutloaf at 10 p.m. Only one slice of me was taken all day. I will be taken home, frozen and then thawed out on December 31 for the New Year's Eve potluck.

Again, I'm the impromptu yoga class in the den, held in silent protest of that folksinging going on in the living room.

This is remarkably hate free, we have to respect our rather larger sisters even as we comedically celebrate them

I'm the Melissa Etheridge catalog playing on a loop in the background.

Not finding homophobic and misogynistic "jokes" about gay women is man hating, R30? If we spouted the same disgusting, ignorant filth about gay men you'd accuse us of homophobia, you loathsome hypocritical prick. Homophobia seems to only ever apply to gay men..

I'm the THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

No, r72, you aren’t.

I am the actual lesbian Thanksgiving potluck full of women with interesting lives, who don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of their style choices. Since there is a James Beard Award winner attending, the turkey will be amazing, with white truffle stuffing. She's made a walnut pate with caramelized onions and cognac for the vegetarians. Her partner is a world renowned pastry chef, who has made 3 different pies and a cheese cake. We are thankful there are no prissy men to take credit or all of the air in the room.

We're the hurt feelings. Because no one as hurt our pussies in years.

[quote]who don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of their style choices

Those are choices?

DIAGF, you humorless cuntress, R71.

Instead of telling competitive stories about our children, the talk is competitive stories about what we rescued our pets from!

I'm Mel, and after eighteen Thanksgivings with my gal pals, I was told this year I wasn't invited. Why ? Because I made the transition from 'Melanie' to 'Melvin' - and now I'm no longer lesbian but transgender. And unwelcome.

So this year, I shall be alone at my kitchen table eating Thanksgiving dinner - but actually starting anew tradition of 'Transgender Thanksgiving'.

^Now I’m sad. Thanks, Mel.

I'm large Marge, ready to hit Home Depot at midnight, to save on Black Friday deals for a new snow plow for the home. Big Angie said she's interested in one, too so we'll go up together.

I'm the Judy Chicago inspired dinner plates and setting.

You should see large Marge eat from me sans a knife and fork. She just gets stuck in, face down and munches from the plate. Brine or gravy dribbling down her chin!

I'm the sense of humor, and I was pointedly NOT invited.

We're the regulars, outside drinking beer, playing cornhole, throwing lit butts at feral cats, and ignoring the dinner inside that was done hours ago. Some of us head in to check the score, drop a deuce, grab some chips and send a text. Oh shit, we're too drunk to text.

I'm the overused toilet in the guest bathroom. 'Nuff said.

Mel, you should start your own thread.

I'm the King Size Avocado mattress the hosts just bought a few weeks ago for the master bed, and has kept quiet about. They remember when they bought the Purple mattress a few years ago and told the gals - everyone decided to 'try it out' before they left and ruined the mattress beyond warranty. The last thing the hosts want is for these amazons in the dining room to come in here and make 'snow angels' on me.

I'm the argument over money wasted on fresh cranberries, when the canned and long-expired kind found in the garbage room of the apartment complex would've been sufficient.

are all Lezzies poor?

As someone who used to work at a mattress store…I totally laughed out loud at the above mattress post.

I don’t know how or why but lesbians always ruined their mattress beyond warranty when I worked there….and was always upset when the said warranty wasn’t eligible.

[R90] I'm glad I gave you your laugh for the day.

It's funny because I know a lesbian couple (average sized) who are constantly buying top-of-the-line mattresses, and then calling the store within a year - complaining something isn't right with the mattress. Somehow, over the past ten years or so, they must've gotten five new mattresses from their original purchase.

I don't know any gay male couples or straight couples who go through mattresses so quickly.

Have we run out of ideas ? It's too soon to run out of ideas !

I'm saying "what does this remind you of" while stuffing the turkey.

R41 lmfao. One of the best posts here for sure.

These anecdotes about the lesbians and mattress warranties. Are dykes stingy/frugal or just always ready to complain?

Considering lesbian bed death, I'm surprised the mattresses need to be exchanged so frequently.

I’m the unshaven chins, legs, pits, and wildly overgrown beavers that are on full display. My body, MY FORREST!!!!!

I’m also found in most of the food that Sammee and Tylur bring because their homeopathic treatments for treating alopecia are stupid.

[quote] I’m Barb. I’m the elder Lez who settles all disputes amongst the girls each holiday after I’ve had Turkey. My judgements are strictly followed by everyone in our circle.

The Court of Ellen and Terminer

I’m the stretch pants!

I'm the U-Haul parked in front of house.

I'm the talk of the unseasonable warmth for this time of year.

"Hillary could've stopped this"

"You mean Jill Stein"

An awkward silence and then the conversation moves onto Megan Rapinoe.

I'm the curt reminder that I will be having a showing of my work in January and you are ALL expected to attend. I will be sprinkled liberally into conversation throughout the whole evening.

I am this photo. One of the two that spring to mind whenever this event takes place.

I am this photo. One of the two that spring to mind whenever this event takes place.

Most lesbians I know are either feminine or have a casual look. This sounds more like stereotypical lesbians from 1970s and 80s, when all the feminine ones were invisible, since people thought all lesbians are butch Harley Davidson driving, mullet having ones.

R105 That's the problem with these threads....there are as many different kinds of lesbian archtypes as there are gay male. The DL being mostly gay male and older has issues with keeping them 'straight' so to speak. They really love to mix up old school dyke types of the mullet wearing/softball playing, beer drinking, blue collar persuasion with the old school militant radical lesbian feminist types who are the ones who tend to be more p.c. and eat nut loaf.

The DL isn't very interested in actual mainstream lesbians who are quite a lot alike mainstream gays....they live in nice boring homes and wear nice boring clothes and have a bit of money and try to take care of themselves and eat right and exercise. But, they're boring and not much fun to make fun of.

[quote][R105] That's the problem with these threads....there are as many different kinds of lesbian archtypes as there are gay male. The DL being mostly gay male and older has issues with keeping them 'straight' so to speak. They really love to mix up old school dyke types of the mullet wearing/softball playing, beer drinking, blue collar persuasion with the old school militant radical lesbian feminist types who are the ones who tend to be more p.c. and eat nut loaf.

That's what great about this Thanksgiving -- they're all invited!

I'm the prescription pill bottles in the hall bathroom medicine cabinet. I have every guest's fingerprints on me.

I'm the softball injury the joint pain that necessitates said pills is attributed to. My weight will have NO BEARING on my joint pain.

[quote] I’m the 15th iteration of this singularly wit free thread.

I'm the mood of the party the thread must have accurately captured then.

I'm the petition being passed. Everyone must sign me before dinner can be served.

I’m the thermostat in the photo at R104, set at a nice, comfortable 58 degrees. Since we’re having company, my owner turned me up from my usual 55 degrees.

Regarding R104, that photo is the archetypal lesbian get together. Zero interest in fashion, middle aged men's haircuts, stood around talking about power tools or u-hauls.

If R104 was a still from a movie I'd accuse the director of being unsubtle.

I'm Rosie, and I'm here to mention our friend Pam from the 90s is opening a new dyke bar tonight, down on Main Street where Pep Boys used to be. I look around the table to see who wants to go - the target audience is 55+ lesbians. We all feign interest and say we should support this newest business venture she's starting, one of a dozen over the past 25 years.

I'm later in the evening when the girls begrudgingly decamp downtown to the bar. We arrive to discover a loud shouting match in the kitchen, the words 'ADVOCAAT IS COLONIALISM!' scrawled on the walls, and the all-female staff sitting in a protest circle in the middle of the floor chanting something about patriarchy and capitalism.

I'm the deck that collapses and the drama that ensues afterwards.

2,400 lbs of a dozen dykes collapse the deck that Fran built herself. Half of the dykes launch a lawsuit against Fran and in court reject her legal defense's fatphobic arguments. The other half accuse that half of being patriarchal handmaidens for suing a strong woman who built a deck with no help from a man. The friend group will split down the middle forever.

I'm R106. I'm the reason stereotypical lesbian threads exist.

We're the two Eldergays the lesbians invited for dinner

We've been sitting in the corner all night making jokes about nutloaf, Nan Michiganwomyn, vagina capes, Subarus, body hair and Meredith Baxter Lesbian.

We become very offended however, when one of the lesbians asks us who we are rooting for on RuPaul Drag Race this year because why do they assume that all gay men are into the same things?

[quote]We become very offended however, when one of the lesbians asks us who we are rooting for on RuPaul Drag Race this year because why do they assume that all gay men are into the same things?

No, we don't become offended. We happily discuss how much better this season's Snatch Game than last season's and then laugh at what a hot mess everyone -- including ourselves -- are!

We're the bloodied and bruised from R117 , crawling off into the dark night because those court orders we've dodged all these years are not going to catch us over some shitty deck fail. Fuck you Capital One!

I love that R120 is offended by a hypothetical.

I'm the potluck math: every dyke thinks it's acceptable to bring five pounds worth of food, yet expects to consume ten pounds worth of food.

I'm the irony of R105 bemoaning supposedly non-existent stereotypes beneath that photo at R104.

I'm meat. I'm allowed but you're not allowed to actually enjoy me or suggest I'm superior superior to vegetarian alternatives. It would probably be easier if I went back to being disallowed at this annual shindig as I was from 1994-1998 and 2008-2019.

I am the cans of La Croix.

I'm Steve, the host's 50-something younger brother who stops by for dessert every year. I've been through three marriages and five kids so far. I've been working security down at the hospital for the past 27 years, and on Thanksgiving I work 7 - 7. I had a free turkey dinner in the cafeteria, and now I stop by for coffee and pie. And every year, I ask "Any of you women find a guy to marry you this year ?" never adept at reading the room.

Safeway flavored seltzer, R126.

Serious question. Why are they wearing parkas INSIDE the house at R104?

To avoid the male gaze.

r129 see r112

I'm the lies about any and every thing.

I'm the smell of fish.

(Fish is not on the menu)

I’m the carb heavy menu which is tackled with relish & abandon

^I’m the thick fatted Graxy that weaponizes said fare

I'm the furious lesbian posting on Datalounge in the middle of dinner. "So hypocritical. Can you imagine if we made jokes about gay men!"

Clueless to the fact that gay men would be the first to join in making jokes about gay men.

I'm the health ailments which dominate conversation. Trick knees, fibro, Morgellon's, CFS, and, most of all, gallstones... which lesbians get at a higher rate than straight women.

Question. Just curious. For you hard core lesbians, if you see an image of a vagina do you get throbbing clitoris?

Would you eat out a passed out straight drunk woman whom you have the hots for? I.e. she’ll never know.

Would you force sex in prison?

Just curious…

(Honest answers from lesbians, sil vous plait…).

To follow up: is it a moral quagmire to take advantage of a person whom you strongly believe are victimized by the male population as it is already?

Wish most lesbians were like DL describes them. And not usually the coolest chicks. Then I wouldn't constantly falling for them.

Who wouldn't fall for someone you could share tools and work boots with?

Snort. Gay men are notoriously thin skinned about being the object of any kind of ridicule.

Now, many gay men enjoy ragging on anyone they feel SUPERIOR to....including other gay men not up to their standards.

But, if you made fun of your average snotty 20something/ 30something to their face they're either going to get defensive and mean and bitchy and retaliate quite viciously or fall apart and leave the room in tears.

"Now, many gay men enjoy ragging on anyone they feel SUPERIOR to....including other gay men not up to their standards."

Good thing you're on this thread R142 , because that's not what's happening here.

We're ragging on Lesbians and their Thanksgiving hilarity.

I'm the straight women they invite who never come.

I see the Daughters of Bilitis has arrived. Bizarre that you’re here complaining about gay men. Have you ever met one? No, your family members don’t count, nor does anyone you met pre-Stonewall.

Really, R127? He goes to a lesbian Thanksgiving EVERY year, has a sister who is a lesbian......and he doesn't know they are all LESBIANS.

R142 = the truest stereotype on this thread.

I love the open box of cookies @ R104. The cookies still in the package insert, sitting on top of the box. The host at that gathering really doesn't have any fucks to give. LOL.

I’m Barb

Order of supremacy in R104

Second from right

First from left

Third from right

Second from left

First from right

[quote]sil vous plait…).

Oh dear!!!

So they finally let Big Patty Krenwinkle out

I'm the five foot, 2012 Justin Bieber lookalike with a tattoo sleeve and various minor misdemeanor convictions. My age is uncertain. I could be fourteen or forty. By the end of this evening some of the silverware will be missing. I will be responsible.

I am the boundaries that have been clearly stated

[quote] Clueless to the fact that gay men would be the first to join in making jokes about gay men to prove that they, in fact, are superior to, and unlike most gay men, who are, after all, a bunch of hopeless sissies and flaming harpies who probably should just have transed

Fixex

R141 Because lesbians that you are talking about here make maybe 10% of the lesbian population. The majority of them are the coolest chicks

I'm walking on broken glass -- in reference to both the Annie Lennox song that is playing in the background and the general atmosphere of the party.

(And later the literal broken beer bottles following the scuffle on the deck)

R150 Jesus, you sound like me when I was explaining to my mother what social hierarchy rank her pack of 5 horses and ponies had. (Except it's much easier to tell - it's the order in which they got to eat from the food bucket that tells it.)

The best thing about these threads is that the stereotypes Eldergays have about lesbians and straight men are remarkably similar.

I'm the acoustic guitar the guests spot sitting by the fireplace and internally groan at as they enter.

I'm the one who hasn't been vegan for a decade. I keep up the pretense when I see the girls here once a year though. I'm too embarrassed at my previous stridency to back down from it. I will be hitting up KFC on the way home.

I'm all the clutter guests have to move to make room on to sit down on the couch: thirty year old psychology textbooks, a cat or two, pruning shears, and a beaded car seat cover.

I'm R156 sharing lots of judgement of what others post, but no clever retorts to dispel any of it.

I'm the one who managed to write a journal article about the evening.

No answers?

my dinner with andre (a non-binary queer friend)

Lesbians are cowardly hypocrites that perpetuate male dominance and envy male sexual prowess. That’s all I can deduce now due to non-response to probing questions.

When it comes down to sexual issues, it seems lesbians are similar to male proclivities.

R163 Are you touched in the head? Don't answer.

Fun thread, regardless. Continue..

R156 nice try Trixie, I’m having toooo much fun 🤩 to guilt trip me! you can go back to blowing Fred(also a lesbian, 2nd from right)

Just because we make fun of them, doesn’t mean they aren’t cool 😎 chicks

I'm the quick, furtive glances thrown around constantly.

‘nice try Ethel’ just didn’t have any melody 🎶

I can’t believe no one’s talking about Krenwinkle’s jailbreak considering what hell Kasabian’s parole brings up

I am the Album covers of Tori Amos hung up on the wall. I am the listening to Raspberry Swirl by Tori Amos.

I'm Greta, the owner / operator of "Fantastic Sam's" about a mile down the road. I gave these twelve women the same $10.99 Flowbee "special" the past three days at the salon. This is why they all have the same haircut, though in different shades of silver and gray.

I'm tears, screaming, hard-flung Joni Mitchell cassettes, and shattered breast casts that mark the evening's end.

I'm the topics of conversation: toxic shock syndrome, WNBA, and cat care.

I've been in this thread so long that my period is synchronizing with those dykes.

[quote]I don't know any gay male couples or straight couples who go through mattresses so quickly.

Is that what is meant by "lesbian bed death?"

I'm the copy of "Rubyfruit Jungle" still on the coffee table from last Christmas. Everyone pretends to have read me, but still nobody has.

I'm the intense, intense planning in the groupchat before the event. Thousands of messages are exchanged discussing who's bring what, who's allergic to what, and any other special requirements or 'boundaries' that might be relevant.

Less planning went into D-Day.

I'm the autographed poster of Leather Tuscadero in the bathroom.

"To some "cool chicks" love, Suzi"

r53 Thanks for posting that. Now THAT thread was funny. This one is painfully blah.

Lesbian threads usually lose zest when a lesbian comes along to say 'That's not funny!'

The 2018 thread was an outlier in relatively little of that. This one had a lesbian arrive at R8 so it never stood a chance.

Gay men don't like to criticize lesbians. There's a weird unreciprocated deference to them among some gay men and it goes to not liking to make even light-hearted kidding like on this thread.

I'm laughing at r61s implication that the rescue dyke has Munchausen by proxy, except for a bird. I guess it's plausible.

I'm laughing at R185 .

R185 what? Gay men constantly criticize lesbians, it's lesbians who never go after gay men. And these threads definitely go beyond light kidding, though they are very funny

Many of Datalounge's most homophobic posters are lesbians.

I'm the one who has a friend who has a friend who has a friend who has a friend who knows Tabatha Coffey and I invited her to Thanksgiving dinner here with us. Tabatha never responded. We should keep a place setting at the table just in case she does show up.

I make a toast to Rachel Maddow before dinner begins, and lament on her Monday night schedule for MSNBC. We all place bets on whether Symone will leave her husband for a woman by the end of next year.

R188 I'm snorting at your assumption that lesbians don't make fun of gay men.

Of course they do! Why wouldn't they?

Gay men are RIDICULOUS!

I'm Claire bringing dessert.

You'll never guess what it is!

I'm Eve, Gail's biological 20-something daughter she had when she tried heterosexuality in her 30s. I'm here to support my mother and her friends, and to announce I'm sexually fluid. I wear the "Free Iran" tee shirt in solidarity with those women, as well as the "one love" armband. The other women look at me 'dismissively'.

I'm the fact that, no matter what the drama, the misunderstandings and the past, the women at the table are truly glad to be together grateful for their fellowship.

Even if Mary Mack doesn't know shit about carving a turkey.

Late for the kickoff.

Link not working, R196.

I’m Barb. I always get the first plate. I always get the best cut of meat. I always get the warm roll. I always get the refill of Dr. Pepper. I always start the conversation. Nobody gets up from the table until I’ve finished my first plate. I never clean the table. I never do the dishes. The tv gets turned on to my channel and my program.

I never say goodbye, the girls say goodbye to me.

Barb better be filthy rich.....and generous.

Who invited Barb?!!!!

I’m Margie. I’m the Elderlez who—after her third beer—insists on playing her “K.D. Lang’s Greatest Hits” playlist through the house speakers and will play nothing else for the rest of the evening.

I'm Kristen Stewart....

Just kidding! But I made you all look!

I’m the Maga loon hiding in the shrubs at this big dyke party ready to get my 15 minutes of fame.

Was Joan Crawford the Barb of her day?

I'm James Coburn, here to research a new role

I’m the house mittens Harold wears on all four paws when he visits. He’s not allowed near the mountain of Cole Haan and Camper shoes at the entryway. His outdoor mittens are parked over there.

I'm the formerly straight one who one day woke up and decided she was a lesbian. I've brought along the two kids from my now-dissolved marriage. The little girl is fawned over. The little boy is banished to a table in the garage.

I'm 10 pm when 'Big Boned Gal' by kd lang comes on. All the girls begin encouraging each other to get up and dance as they all sing along.

I'm the OP getting suffocated by huge 500 pound Bertha from Alabama. She didn't know she sat on you.

I'm the expelled gas after the legume heavy dinner. Don't like my smell? You'll be accused of loathing womyn's bodies.

I'm the shigella outbreak

I'm the hot tub they all squeeze into after dinner.

Squeeze being the operative word.

I'm Terry, another Elderlez who is trying to gather the girls for 'midnight bowling' tonight, instead of hitting the shopping outlets for Black Friday.

Have we achieved lesbian thread death?

I'm the logic puzzle of seating guests: Pam can't be seated beside Deb beside Deb hasn't apologized for what she did in 2004; Kel can't be seated beside her ex Kelly or Kelly's new girlfriend, Kellie; Fran requires additional space on each side; Kim insists on being seated across from Kris who is The One (having known her for three days).

Where can Nan sit?

I’m the inevitable “what’s THAT supposed to mean?” that will devolve the evening.

I'm the loaded response: "[italic]You should know[/italic]"

I’m the dream catcher on the rear view mirrors of every one at r5.

R215 Has seen every Golden Girls episode 100 times. It has sharpened her wit and then some. She finds the tea rather moist as well.

I’m the rescue dog eating the Turkey while the guests argue

I’m nearly-70 years old Ida, who even though she hadn’t had an orgasm with someone in nearly 20 years, swears that she “can still do sex”. If only Cricket would respond to her flirtations.

[quote]Where can Nan sit?

My face, of course.

I'm the Cowboys game on the big screen.

I'm ostensibly a big part of the yearly celebration, but in reality only Rusty and Alice are watching me, parked on the couch in their Dallas jerseys, screaming at the TV.

The others ignore me, because only real, true, honest-to-God bull dykes, like Rusty and Alice, actually watch football. The rest of them are a bunch of posers who can't even install a toilet or switch out an alternator.

I’m “this is a Friendsgiving,” which someone at some time will feel they MUST say. *sigh*

I'm each of them vying for the opportunity to be the first to launch into a withering critique of the misogynistic colonialism of Pilgrims. Just need to wait for the right moment so it isn't so obvious I rehearsed what I was going to say beforehand.

I’m Helen. I’ve had a little too much even at this early hour. I’m “taking a nap” (read: passed out) on the couch where I’m mumbling something-something ‘misogyny’ and something-something ‘patriarchy’ between burps.

I'm the cornhole game being played raucously by the neighbors. All we have over here is the dog's frisbee and Trivial Pursuit.

I'm the annual queefing contest!

Who will be crowned this year's "Queen Laqueefa"?

I'm the one person at the table who brought a small turkey breast because I eat meat everyone else is vociferously "vegan" and the I'm the one person at the table who didn't get any.

It never made it to the table.

And the rest of the food is getting cold because there are lines at the two bathroom doors as the other guests and hosts purge the shameful meat and crispy skin from their offended gullets.

Little Eve is crying with guilt for eating a birdy.

I told the hosts an Everclear punch before dinner was a bad idea.

I'm the hackneyed phrases in defense of pitbulls: "Not if you raise them right"; "bad owners, not bad dogs"; etc...

The guests nod along while always keeping an eye on the nearest exit wherever the brute-faced Susan B. happens to be.

Hearing the obligatory "Defense of the Pittys," we are the several owners of Pomeranians, Lhasa Apsos, Chihuahuas and Toy PugTeseCockapoos who are pursing their lips in a flat lipless line, the way many lesbians do to show they're holding their tongues, "BUT..."

We are joined today by Meg'-h'AnnE, who works in a Ghetto Rat Home & Sanctuary for rats injured by stray cats and especially dogs, almost all of which are pit bull mixes today.

And Meg'-h'AnnE is thinking, "... because people who have these and other potentially dangerous breeds that require special training and management are the assholes who have made the problems. And in the end it's the innocent Norway and black rats who suffer, when all they want is love.

I'm Haley (Mary Lee's new, young, plus-one she met in September) , and at the end of the dinner I have the nerve to ask, "Who's turn is it hosting Christmas dinner this year ? "

I'm the phone alarms going off throughout the evening reminding the fat and old group to take their meds.

I'm the decision to get out of the patriarchal kitchen and enjoy Thanksgiving at a restaurant.

When the bill comes scientific calculators and Excel phone apps are whipped out.

I’m the mess in the kitchen. I can wait until tomorrow or even Saturday.

I’m Cahrwyn and I’m in charge of compost. Carol, your greens have avocado oil on them and have to go in with dairy contamination because you won’t let me use anymore bins!

I am the ~350 days until the next iteration of this thread comes out with "fresh" content!

I'm the mobility scooters (multiple) parked outside

If most lez turds are vegan why are most of them so vociferously huge/obese with horrible skin.

[quote]If most lez turds are vegan why are most of them so vociferously huge/obese with horrible skin.

This question has been asked a million times and has never been answered.

It's a mystery for the ages.

I’m the cat hair in all the dishes.

[quote]I’m the cat hair in all the dishes.

It complements the pussy hair in all of the teeth.

I'm Kristen the professional cat sitter. I was late for the dinner because I had to check on half of my kitty clients whose families were out of town this weekend, and I had to leave before the pies were served because I had to go and take care of my other half of kitty clients around town - changing the litter boxes and putting the food down. I'm lucky because I missed all the pre-dinner drama and the after-dinner drama.

So much pent up aggression in R205's pic

R235 for the win!!!!!

Never was a joke more true.

Why are lesbians so stingy? What is it about them?

Gay men can be more flippant with their finances- I'm thinking of all those Tasteful Friends homos.

Women earn less money than men r247.

Yes, perhaps but that doesn't answer my question which focusses on lesbians.

Straight women might earn less than men but they SPEND SPEND SPEND.

There's something so stingy and tight when it comes to lesbians and money.

I’m the woe that is me. Constantly.

I'm the collection of footware tossed in the dryer to remove the smutch and provide perfect audible cover for the smut taking place as two cheaters make the best (you ever make love on top of a dryer with twenty pairs of orthopedic shoes, boots and birkstockings shaking under your derriere?) of these holidays gatherings unbeknownst to all.

r248 Most females are drawn to shitty majors, in turn, shitty jobs.. We could say a lot of this is related to having significantly less testosterone and so, most lack that fighting edge that motivates most men to compete. They have to rely on will, drive, other motivators. They're less likely to work overtime, to seek out promotions, and tend too stay too long in the same companies, males ar more likely to pick up and go regardless of family or hustle, hustle, hustle, and whatever it takes to continue to move forward. Most females settle for the first plateau. The biggest trouble for women is the bucket of crabs analogy. . . the crabs can escape the bucket but there's always one behind them trying to pull them back into the bucket. You can examine this through multiple media, research and studies. I'd recommend those male vs female survival competitions. They frequently overestimate their abilities because most have grown up coddled in a girl power world that still treats them with kids gloves. We all know crusty old dykes that are worth ten men but often they're stuck in the bucket too. Those that get out often repress a lot of shit, end up with more social and financial cred but end up with a lot of the risks men have from working themselves to early retirement or death.

[quote]I'm the collection of footware tossed in the dryer to remove the smutch

Eeeew, disgusting.

R252 women will never be happy and they’ll try their damnedest to make sure men are not happy either.

R252 But don't lesbians have more testosterone than straight women, and by that logic should be more successful and make more money?

If y’all are going to go completely off topic, women make less than men on average at the same job with the same education level and performing at the same level even before you see monetary losses from behavior such as taking time off to raise children.

Straight women generally have or hope to have some straight man to bail out their poor financial choices.

And lesbians on average have better math skills than straight ladies so not only are they going to tip poorly, they are going to do precisely and fairly.

Which is how demographic averages and gross generalizations result in a funny joke. Don’t try to analyze it too much. It was probably the only one worth keeping on this thread.

[quote] I’m the woe that is me. Constantly.

I read this as “I’m the woke that is me,” which also works.

Mostly all the lesbians I know are in well-paying jobs in the health field (nurses, doctors, PAs, NPs, medical researchers, therapists, etc) and in the financial industry. I honestly don't know one who is hurting (unlike my gay male friends).

We're the uninhibited and highly audible post-dinner farts. We are even more uproarious than the slighter silent killers that occur while everyone's still at the table eating (or just drinking).

I'm the hilarious bad-asses who are amazing conversationalists.

R258 Fuck off with your lies. Most lezzies are poor and work shit jobs. That is a well known fact.

Now that Thanksgiving is over the drama will finally begin in earnest. I will be these:

I'm the Blogspot blog that has gone untouched since 2010, but is now suddenly active again with long passive-aggressive essays that start "I don't know if anybody is even reading this, but I just have to put it down somewhere..."

***

I'm the dissertation-length email June finally sent to the attendees after ruminating increasingly angrily on the events of the party for 9 days.

Each time she ran over them in her head, she found more obvious proof that everyone was in the wrong but her, and she was unfairly ganged up on. The email consists of several long, aggrieved introductory paragraphs, laced with barbed sarcasm, followed by a numbered outline list. Each numbered grievance has several bulleted subsections. All the attendees are individually named, shamed, and thoroughly blamed.

None of the recipients remember any problems or unpleasantness with June at the actual party. "She seemed to be having a great time," Jak tells Mo when they discuss it on the phone. "She was smiling and laughing when she left. I don't get it."

***

I'm the passive-aggressive, six thousand word Wordpress blog post written by the one who claimed to have had a great time at the BBQ. I was written the second she got home and I feature nothing but barely veiled allusions to every imagined slight my authoress thinks she experienced at the party. I have a title like 'On Toxic People' and by the following day I have been read by everyone in attendance last night after Marj linked Deb's blog to Sue who sent it to Nan who sent it to Nicki and so on.

I begin with the line, 'Okay, I just need to vent about *some* people...'

We're your hosts, Jan and Diane who have just read through every vitriolic blog post, email, and group text message each of our ungrateful guests have circulated in the past twenty-four hours. So now you're saying you don't like the pies Jan spent all night baking, even though each of you scoffed down two slices of each over coffee. Another one of you ladies didn't like the choice of wine (a gift for our tenth wedding anniversary we shared with you all), and someone else was offended by the home-made stuffing Jan made, taken from her recently deceased Mother's cookbook.

Well, screw all of you. We are never hosting a holiday meal for you bitches again. None of you are welcome in our beautiful home ever again. And don't try to invite us to anyone's gathering this Christmas - we're taking off for a quiet little weekend in Northampton, MA - where we know we'll be appreciated and accepted.

And to lick your open wounds/gashes

Cathy Cross and Sylvesters are both closed forever. Holidays in Northampton will never be the same R263.

r255 re-examine developmental literature and videos

look at the biological changes at different stages of life. . .

the whole picture instead of just hormones,

though the hormonal surge in the stage of puberty does leave most males to be more competitive, quicker and longer sustaining muscle growth, and far more head into the trades or take on pragmatic majors.

Still, there's a greater number of women with graduate degrees.

while you do find many lesbian tradies as well. . . the majority follow suit with other females in white and pink collar jobs.

feminist theory has many theories about the wage gap and often tries to conflate international stats to explain western conflicts as if it's still relevant in the first world than addressing the immediate problems, even sans it's reluctancy to recognize the innate biological differences between males and females, onto the psychological and social.

It's hardly surprising that many of the most independently successful women don't consider themselves feminists.

R266 posted by a lesbian.

How do we know?!

R266 No one gives a fuck what you just said. Especially on a site meant for gay men only. Take your lezbo crap somewhere else.

I’m Loretta, getting ideas with the turkey baster.

I'm the sink full of dirty dishes, four days later. I'm gonna be here a while.

I'm the clogged toilet(s).

I'm the ex who claimed she was too drunk to drive home and spent the night on the couch.

I am still here four days later.

[quote]I am still here four days later.

Corrected: I am still here four YEARS later.

My uhaul is parked outside too.

OMG! R272 and R273 are SO on point.

I'm Monica. I brought the other tofurkey but I made everything from scratch unlike the one that Pam brought which was pre-made at Whole Foods with that awful, bland mushroom gravy. She didn't even season it. It tastes like a sodden glove left out in the rain! I made mine with tofu and seiten that I made with my own hands! That's why I'm wearing my carpal tunnel glove and a compression sleeve on my elbow! It took 6 hours total! I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO IT BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY! THEY'LL EAT PAM'S NASTY SHIT, EVERYONE LOVES PAM, EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK PAM BUT THAT BITCH WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME! Fuck it, I'm having a rum and Coke. I hope these bitches choke to death on Pam's dried up tofurkey.

IS ANYONE GOING TO EAT MY TOFURKEY?! I MADE IT FROM SCRATCH!!!

I’m the addict Dyke who empties your medicine cabinet and wallet.

I’m the pathological lying.

Zooey Deschanel and untouched trust fund.

R266 they say they aren’t feminists but they stand on the shoulders of the achievements and struggles and hard fought breakthroughs of centuries of feminists

I'm stating my boundaries!

R104 Well Hells Bells, I never thought they’d spring Big Marnie Reeves from the joint!

I’m the cunt

Apparently R281's boundaries for Thanksgiving extend into May of the following year.

I'm the carob and agave nectar bonbons.

We are using Carob instead of chocolate this year because Lynn fed all the rescue dogs dessert last year.

I’m Bonnie Mace regaling my Sappho systers with stories about Dolly Parton and Martina Navratilova.

I'm the bulldyke who shoes up with nothing hand as a friend of CJ's

I feel like eating turkey now.