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Let's be a Lesbian Thanksgiving

I'm the kitschy Mason jars used instead of glasses.

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by Anonymousreply 601November 25, 2018 10:43 PM

I'm the fact that it will be a POT LUCK.

by Anonymousreply 1November 21, 2018 10:46 PM

I’ll be the pile of flannel and fleece barn jackets in the bedroom.

by Anonymousreply 2November 21, 2018 10:47 PM

I'm the rescued pit bull, hiding under the table, waiting for a scrap of turkey or a baby to drop on the floor.

by Anonymousreply 3November 21, 2018 10:51 PM

I'm the very pregnant Lesbian here with my partner Mindy. I look like I could give birth at any moment. I'm seated near the pit bull, who seems to be eyeing me hungrily.

by Anonymousreply 4November 21, 2018 10:55 PM

I'm the area reserved for CPAP machines.

by Anonymousreply 5November 21, 2018 11:00 PM

I'm the Nutloaf. Only one serving of me was taken.

by Anonymousreply 6November 21, 2018 11:06 PM

Is anna kendrick gay?

by Anonymousreply 7November 21, 2018 11:07 PM

I'll be all of them tipsy, irritable, and hungry as they cry "WHERE THE HELL IS MARGE?" while one of them looking out the window replies excitedly "she just pulled up, but she's having trouble parking her 18 wheeler"

by Anonymousreply 8November 21, 2018 11:09 PM

I am the songs of Taylor Swift playing in the background while some of the guests help stuff the turkey.

by Anonymousreply 9November 21, 2018 11:15 PM

I'm the Melissa Etheridge Pandora channel playing in the background.

by Anonymousreply 10November 21, 2018 11:16 PM
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by Anonymousreply 11November 21, 2018 11:18 PM

We're Barb and Sue. Deb and Nan, meet Sis and Pat.

by Anonymousreply 12November 21, 2018 11:22 PM

Marge got the truck parked.

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by Anonymousreply 13November 21, 2018 11:24 PM

But did Marge remember to bring the vegan dinner rolls?

by Anonymousreply 14November 21, 2018 11:26 PM

I'm the wispy facial hair.

by Anonymousreply 15November 21, 2018 11:28 PM

Is the Nutloaf 100% vegan and free of gluten, dairy, nuts, and soy? There needs to be a version that's safe for people with serious allergies to any of those ingredients!

by Anonymousreply 16November 21, 2018 11:28 PM

I'm Jan, and like R4, I'm pregnant, but because my fetus is male I'm spending Thanksgiving at home.

by Anonymousreply 17November 21, 2018 11:39 PM

We brought kale.

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by Anonymousreply 18November 21, 2018 11:41 PM

I’m the mismatched but rustic seats and china.

by Anonymousreply 19November 21, 2018 11:41 PM

I'm the UHaul parked outside. It's loaded with all my stuff, in case I meet someone interesting at dinner.

by Anonymousreply 20November 21, 2018 11:44 PM

I’m the obligatory rounds of Annie Lennox’s “Why?” and K.D. Lang’s “Lady Chatelaine”

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by Anonymousreply 21November 21, 2018 11:44 PM

I'm the inevitable fibromyalgia flare up that's used as an excuse to go home early.

by Anonymousreply 22November 21, 2018 11:55 PM

I'm the lonely queen taken in by the lesbians. After a wonderful dinner I'll come back to DL and trash them.

by Anonymousreply 23November 21, 2018 11:59 PM

I’m the towering phallic candles filling the room with light & cheer, without which everything would be dark & drab!

by Anonymousreply 24November 22, 2018 12:01 AM

I'm the short, layered haircut with a quiff. I'm on EVERYONE.

by Anonymousreply 25November 22, 2018 12:05 AM

I'm dessert

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by Anonymousreply 26November 22, 2018 12:07 AM

I'm the menstrual cup, waiting patiently, in Casey's backpack. I'm here if she needs me.

by Anonymousreply 27November 22, 2018 12:08 AM

^ that is so gross lol

by Anonymousreply 28November 22, 2018 12:10 AM

I’m the endless stories about last summer’s softball season, and how the leagues just aren’t the same anymore.

by Anonymousreply 29November 22, 2018 12:10 AM

I'm Denise, looking for donations to get my van home, maybe a passenger or two.

by Anonymousreply 30November 22, 2018 12:17 AM

I'm the one not on speaking terms with my mother.

by Anonymousreply 31November 22, 2018 12:19 AM

I'm Brittany, but my friends call me "Tank"

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by Anonymousreply 32November 22, 2018 12:20 AM

I'm the driveway full of Subaru Foresters with dreamcatchers hanging from the rear view mirror.

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by Anonymousreply 33November 22, 2018 12:20 AM

I’m the cheap booze.

by Anonymousreply 34November 22, 2018 12:24 AM

I’m the Hostess/my house - I make sure we dont invite the actual partner of one of our guests. I am in unrequited love with an attendee and the presence of the one that is “livin the lovin” reminds me too much how of how my friend played me for a fool. We all know just how petty our community is.

by Anonymousreply 35November 22, 2018 12:28 AM

I'm the row of Doc Martins and Clark's Desert Boots (and one pair of Birkenstocks for Kate, who's a holdout even in winter) lined up at the door. No shoes in the house, please.

by Anonymousreply 36November 22, 2018 12:35 AM

I'm, Molly. I wish there was sausage in the stuffing. I don't dare say this out loud.

by Anonymousreply 37November 22, 2018 12:36 AM

I'm one of the many SUVs, crossovers and Jeep crowding the cul-de-sac or driveway.

by Anonymousreply 38November 22, 2018 12:38 AM

I'm the one who's been in a relationship with at least three of the others but we're OK about it now. Those passive-aggressive comments were purely coincidental.

by Anonymousreply 39November 22, 2018 12:38 AM

I'm the cat hair hiding in the pumpkin pie. Marge will find it & make several hair pie jokes.

by Anonymousreply 40November 22, 2018 12:42 AM

I'm the vag cape, hanging on the coat rack. I'm wet.

I'm the slide show of the very last MichFest.

by Anonymousreply 41November 22, 2018 12:44 AM

I’m the lesbian thinking about undergoing conversion therapy.

by Anonymousreply 42November 22, 2018 12:52 AM

I'm football.

by Anonymousreply 43November 22, 2018 12:53 AM

I'm the constant reference to bodily functions best not mentioned at the dinner table.

by Anonymousreply 44November 22, 2018 12:59 AM

I am the lone trans women who identifies as a lesbian. Most of the women don't really think I am a woman, and are suspicious about my sexual motives, but they are forced to tolerate me otherwise they may lose their job as a Professor of (Formerly ) women's studies- now gender studies.

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by Anonymousreply 45November 22, 2018 1:03 AM

I'm Peg, who has been locked in the upstairs bathroom for the past hour, because Annie cooked the stuffing in the bird to an insufficient temperature and now I have explosive diarrhea.

by Anonymousreply 46November 22, 2018 1:06 AM

I'm the organic scented soy candles bought at the farmer's market for mood lighting

by Anonymousreply 47November 22, 2018 1:20 AM

R47: Please pass those soy candles to Peg at R46.

by Anonymousreply 48November 22, 2018 1:22 AM

I'm a cane. My owner may also require assistance with other mobility needs.

by Anonymousreply 49November 22, 2018 1:37 AM

Hey, what’s up, I’m Jody. Wanna see my new Harley?

by Anonymousreply 50November 22, 2018 1:40 AM

I’m the ex-husband of one of the party-gatherers, stopping by to exchange custody of our daughter, Chloe.

by Anonymousreply 51November 22, 2018 1:46 AM

I'm half baked political opinions that would destroy civilization if they were ever enacted.

by Anonymousreply 52November 22, 2018 1:50 AM

I'm that one ethnic dish on the table; lesbians are undeniably culture don't you know?

by Anonymousreply 53November 22, 2018 1:54 AM

I'm Midge, serving up tuna pasta salad without washing my hands despite spending the morning gardening and scratching my pubes.

by Anonymousreply 54November 22, 2018 1:58 AM

I'm the suspicious curly hair found in the tuna salad by Peg.

by Anonymousreply 55November 22, 2018 2:06 AM

I am all the Timberlands, Birkenstocks and Dansk clogs lined up just inside the hallway, cause no one is allowed to wear shoes in the house. Hope you brought your slippers!

by Anonymousreply 56November 22, 2018 2:08 AM

I’m boundaries, clearly stated.

by Anonymousreply 57November 22, 2018 2:11 AM

I'm the track pants. I'm everywhere!

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by Anonymousreply 58November 22, 2018 2:13 AM

R54 - You are grotesque. Leave the party immediately.

by Anonymousreply 59November 22, 2018 2:15 AM

I’m Annie, telling you NOW, so I don’t have to tell you THEN.

I’m also the designated chef and I’ve undercooked everything! Oooops!

by Anonymousreply 60November 22, 2018 2:17 AM

I'd rather have R54 at the party than R45.

by Anonymousreply 61November 22, 2018 2:17 AM

I’m an Indigo Girls concert, attended by most of the dinner guests last summer. There’s not much to say, really. Do those ever change?!

by Anonymousreply 62November 22, 2018 2:18 AM

I'm the loud fight in the 97 Honda Civic parked two houses down. The owners are wasted and thinking no one can hear the screaming and swearing at the top of their lungs. The couple will be back inside by dessert.

by Anonymousreply 63November 22, 2018 2:20 AM

I'm "the Flower of Womanhood", Tracey's art piece of a vagina painted in menstrual blood. Out of politeness, all of the guests have said how much they liked it, even they secretly realise that all she did was piss on a cavass while she was on the rag. They have no idea why it needs to be hung in full view of the food.

by Anonymousreply 64November 22, 2018 2:20 AM

I'm visceral fat. I'm going to kill this party, but not for 10 years.

by Anonymousreply 65November 22, 2018 2:22 AM

I'm the pre-pubescent male offspring of Peg and Lindsay-Kate, questioning my own sexuality in the face of so many unappealing women. Oh wait! Here comes the pre-pubescent male offspring of Rachelynn and Myra! I'm so relieved to not feel so alone here anymore....

by Anonymousreply 66November 22, 2018 2:24 AM

Why are lesbians, especially lipstick lesbians, so enticing? Is it because they have no need or interest in us men, which triggers 'the Chase' mode in some of us?

by Anonymousreply 67November 22, 2018 2:25 AM

We're Kathy and Pat. We're not sure why we were invited -- we're image consultants, not lesbians.

by Anonymousreply 68November 22, 2018 2:25 AM

I'm lady ham. Most of the guests wish I were on the menu instead of turkey.

by Anonymousreply 69November 22, 2018 2:26 AM

It's because they behave like aliens, r67.

by Anonymousreply 70November 22, 2018 2:27 AM

This is so great! How did we not do this before? Never mind, who the fuck cares. MORE, MORE!

by Anonymousreply 71November 22, 2018 2:28 AM

My day sucked until this thread.

I’m June Pointer’s unruly early 80s bush, recently discovered on full view in an music video, excitedly shared and admired.

by Anonymousreply 72November 22, 2018 2:29 AM

I'm Joonie, and I'd like to sing a song of gratitude and thanks before we sit down to eat this beautiful meal.

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by Anonymousreply 73November 22, 2018 2:32 AM

I’m the early 90s Toyota or Nissan pickup with a canopy in the driveway. I’ve got two cattle/shepherd type dogs in the back.

by Anonymousreply 74November 22, 2018 2:35 AM

I'm Tami-Lyn, but I look more like I should be called Olaf.

by Anonymousreply 75November 22, 2018 2:35 AM

I’m the organic vegan pie Leslie picked up at the alternative foods co-op.

by Anonymousreply 76November 22, 2018 2:36 AM

I’m the silence that will ensue between the host couple after the guests leave. Neither one of them will say what offence was committed during dinner. The other one is expected to know.

by Anonymousreply 77November 22, 2018 2:39 AM

R1 Pot out of luck probably more like it.

by Anonymousreply 78November 22, 2018 2:39 AM

I'm Shrek. I'm the father of most of these gals.

by Anonymousreply 79November 22, 2018 2:40 AM

So far R77 wins this thread. Gay, lez, bi or straight. This is painfully familiar. But let's get back to the fun. Sorry.

by Anonymousreply 80November 22, 2018 2:50 AM

I am the hushed discussion on the outbreak of violence against lesbians at the hands of women-with-penises. We are speaking quietly so the woman-with penis invited to our gathering doesn't hear and start threatening us

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by Anonymousreply 81November 22, 2018 2:54 AM

I'm a group of strong, fascinating, cultured women gathered together out of fellowship to enjoy a lovely meal and each other's company...with sex possibly to follow.

Oh shit, sorry, I thought this was "Let's be the dinner scene in the new version of Suspiria".

by Anonymousreply 82November 22, 2018 3:01 AM

We're boundaries, and we need to be stated early on.

by Anonymousreply 83November 22, 2018 3:10 AM

I am the hostess who stated her boundaries two months prior, only to have my boundaries questioned for three hours in a process meeting with her fellow sisters once they arrived. After, I gracefully serve them a starter of romaine salad.

by Anonymousreply 84November 22, 2018 3:14 AM

There’s plenty of room on the futons! Just nudge the dogs, cats, babies, children, and ferrets out of the way and balance your plate on your knees.

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by Anonymousreply 85November 22, 2018 3:16 AM

I'm the never used bra sitting at home alone.

Along with the high heels my mother forced on me years ago.

by Anonymousreply 86November 22, 2018 3:16 AM

I'm the one who fantasizes about the young Hollywood starlets who describe themselves as "fluid" in order to jump on the coming-out bandwagon without actually calling themselves gay.

by Anonymousreply 87November 22, 2018 3:18 AM

And be careful when you open the refrigerator!

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by Anonymousreply 88November 22, 2018 3:18 AM

"We're here!!"

by Anonymousreply 89November 22, 2018 3:20 AM

I'm already so tipsy I misspelled my own last name!!!

by Anonymousreply 90November 22, 2018 3:21 AM

I'm here in spirit.

by Anonymousreply 91November 22, 2018 3:22 AM

Im the adopted Asian twins Lily and Daisy...nice to meet you

by Anonymousreply 92November 22, 2018 3:22 AM

I’m the music for the party. Well, OK, I’m a stack of cassettes on an unpainted wood shelf in the living room. Take your pick! Ferron. Sweet Honey in the Rock. Holly Near. Nothing produced after 1986.

Oh! Oh! Oh! There’s also Cris Williamson. And there’s a Joan Armatrading cassette but it got played so much it started unraveling.

But the guests could just sing Me Myself I acapella from memory.

by Anonymousreply 93November 22, 2018 3:32 AM

I'm the grey walls with maroon accents all over the place.

by Anonymousreply 94November 22, 2018 3:32 AM

I'm the labia ceviche appetizer.

by Anonymousreply 95November 22, 2018 3:32 AM

I’m the stash of Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine in the freezer none of the guests can find out about because the host marches against big agro.

by Anonymousreply 96November 22, 2018 3:34 AM

I'm "Liz" and I'm on my 23rd shot of straight vodka telling you how "queer" this home is.

by Anonymousreply 97November 22, 2018 3:34 AM

R95 gurl stop.... LOL

by Anonymousreply 98November 22, 2018 3:35 AM

I’m the museum gift store Georgia O’Keeffe print hanging above the toilet.

by Anonymousreply 99November 22, 2018 3:35 AM

I'm the quaint 3 inch pile of dog hair along the baseboards.

by Anonymousreply 100November 22, 2018 3:38 AM

I'm the patchwork quilt hand-made of recycled team sweatshirts from Julie's Alma-Mater's football games. I'm normally on a chair in the bedroom, but Julie has draped me over the sofa in the living room in the hopes people will notice me and praise her handiwork.

by Anonymousreply 101November 22, 2018 3:39 AM

I’m the cracked tail light on Kim’s 1997 Subaru

by Anonymousreply 102November 22, 2018 3:41 AM

R102 LMAO

by Anonymousreply 103November 22, 2018 3:42 AM

I’m the mole on the side of Jo’s nose. It sprouts two hairs.

by Anonymousreply 104November 22, 2018 3:42 AM

We’re the scents of men’s cologne and Bengay wafting through the air basically as densely as oxygen.

by Anonymousreply 105November 22, 2018 3:44 AM

Anna Kendrick is lesbian?

by Anonymousreply 106November 22, 2018 3:45 AM

I'm the missing side mirror on Kim's 1997 Subaru.

by Anonymousreply 107November 22, 2018 3:46 AM

I'm Louise. I'm Jan's mom, visiting from Arizona. Just tagged along for the evening.

by Anonymousreply 108November 22, 2018 3:49 AM

I’m the roommate chore schedule posted on the refrigerator.

by Anonymousreply 109November 22, 2018 3:50 AM

I'm Leonard, Maddie's 8 year old basset hound. I have no idea why this bitch takes my old ass everywhere.

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by Anonymousreply 110November 22, 2018 3:54 AM

I'm the cluttered bathroom with rust stains in the toilet that look like poo and used musty towels left out for guest use.

by Anonymousreply 111November 22, 2018 3:58 AM

I'm the talking stick.

by Anonymousreply 112November 22, 2018 4:03 AM

I'm the Suze Orman Will and Trust kit accidentally left on the living room coffee table.

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by Anonymousreply 113November 22, 2018 4:04 AM

I'm this #36 cd in the Sony Compact Disc Multi Player 300 CD holding Carousel Mega Storage unit.

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by Anonymousreply 114November 22, 2018 4:04 AM

I'm r23. I accepted the last-minute invite to this shitshow, and decided to bring a lovely fall - themed floral arrangement.

And I put it in a mason jar.

That'll show 'em.

by Anonymousreply 115November 22, 2018 4:05 AM

I'm the Marlboro Lights that are smoked on the deck after the argument in front of all the guests.

by Anonymousreply 116November 22, 2018 4:06 AM

I'm the tear stained "I'm With Her" Hillary Clinton t shirts in the cedar chest in the guest room.

by Anonymousreply 117November 22, 2018 4:08 AM

I'm Krista, Molly's date and new to the group. I recently divorced my husband and feel that I need to just explore my options for the moment.

by Anonymousreply 118November 22, 2018 4:10 AM

OMG, I want to buy all the posters on this thread a drink.

by Anonymousreply 119November 22, 2018 4:12 AM

I’m bread pudding.....

by Anonymousreply 120November 22, 2018 4:13 AM

We're Sue and Darcy. We met at Pat and Barb's Halloween party (Sue was Xena and Darcy was a pumpkin). Since then, we've gotten married and adopted two children.

by Anonymousreply 121November 22, 2018 4:14 AM

I am the ghost of a TRUE Lez Icon, happily peddling up the drive and joining the festivities, sincerely thrilled that all these young gals are keepin' our traditions alive!

(After a few shots I regale the enraptured girls with sizzling anecdotes about all the hot film Goddesses I made it with back in the 1930s *coughMarlenecough*)

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by Anonymousreply 122November 22, 2018 4:14 AM

I'm the CPAP machine for Leonard R110

by Anonymousreply 123November 22, 2018 4:15 AM

I'm the neighbor across the street. Constantly looking through the blinds at each new arrival.

by Anonymousreply 124November 22, 2018 4:15 AM

You HAVE a John Deere ??

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by Anonymousreply 125November 22, 2018 4:17 AM

R119 Make mine a cold Coors 16 ouncer sweetie.

by Anonymousreply 126November 22, 2018 4:18 AM

I'll just have a white wine spritzer and pray Reno doesn't notice I'm here.

by Anonymousreply 127November 22, 2018 4:19 AM

I'm the 108 piece tool kit in the hall closet.

by Anonymousreply 128November 22, 2018 4:19 AM

I'm the relationship drama building between Sue and Darcy. I will become a MAJOR thing before pie is served.

by Anonymousreply 129November 22, 2018 4:21 AM

Ahem R122. Would they let a "lez" on the Dating Game? I think not. I just never found the right man!!!!!

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by Anonymousreply 130November 22, 2018 4:22 AM

I'm Dani, whose constant puns and wisecracks aren't nearly as funny as she thinks they are.

by Anonymousreply 131November 22, 2018 4:25 AM

I'm the CD of Tracy Chapman's debut album, which Midge has just started to play on the Bose from 1998. A conversation follows about what a classic it is, and how all of them nearly lived the lyrics to "For My Lover."

"It almost got that bad with me! Luckily I was able to break it off at the last minute."

by Anonymousreply 132November 22, 2018 4:26 AM

I'm Carol. After a few drinks I'll be walking around, teary-eyed, reminding everyone to be mindful.

by Anonymousreply 133November 22, 2018 4:27 AM

Yes, I have arrived. My constant self-righteous indignation, , my love for attention and my gift for always playing the victim card will surely ruin this get together. You all might as well leave now and just let me have at all this food by myself. Toodles!

by Anonymousreply 134November 22, 2018 4:28 AM

I'm Dani, whose constant puns and wisecracks aren't nearly as funny as she thinks they are.

by Anonymousreply 135November 22, 2018 4:28 AM

I'm Kim's DUI and suspended license, which is why Darlene is driving Kim's 1997 Subaru today.

by Anonymousreply 136November 22, 2018 4:30 AM

I'm the 3 cans of Tab cola rolling around in the back of Kim's 1997 Subaru.

by Anonymousreply 137November 22, 2018 4:31 AM

I'm the American Spirit butts in the ashtray of Kim's 1997 Subaru.

by Anonymousreply 138November 22, 2018 4:34 AM

I'm here too.

I'm still sad that no one really understands my music.

Here's my new CD. "My Baby Died of an Opiate Overdose and I Will Quit School to Take Care Her Daddy Who Has a Problem With the Bottle Soon As I am Out Of Jail After Being Beaten and Wrongfully Accused By White Male Cop Who Also Hates Proud Gay Women Who Are of African Descent."

This will be my comeback. Comeback. What a sad and lonely word.

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by Anonymousreply 139November 22, 2018 4:34 AM

I’m Carol and Joanna. We share a obgyn practice and own houses next door to each other and haven’t dated anyone in 30 years and go everywhere, including cruises and lesbian potlucks together. But we aren’t out. We don’t do labels.

by Anonymousreply 140November 22, 2018 4:35 AM

I'm a lipstick lesbian....wondering if I should go in. Seems to be a lot of "John Deere" types in there.

by Anonymousreply 141November 22, 2018 4:36 AM

I'm Kim's ankle bracelet.

by Anonymousreply 142November 22, 2018 4:37 AM

^^ Rachel?

by Anonymousreply 143November 22, 2018 4:37 AM

R140, we understand.

by Anonymousreply 144November 22, 2018 4:43 AM

I'm the untouched pumpkin spice bars sitting out on the sideboard. My secret ingredient is sweetened condensed milk. Terry from Accounts Receivable made me. I'm an inanimate object but even I can feel her rage at my untouched state.

by Anonymousreply 145November 22, 2018 4:43 AM

I have arrived. Please paint all of the walls white. Ceiling too. Remove current furniture and bring in all white furniture. Someone find me a single symbolic red apple to place on this white table. I'm avant garde, doncha know? No. I'm not talentless. I'm avant garde!

by Anonymousreply 146November 22, 2018 4:43 AM

I knew!!!

by Anonymousreply 147November 22, 2018 4:44 AM

I'm Aiza Gho(née Andrea Clark). I'll be wearing my new Thanksgiving themed hijab. I will not be discussing female genitalia mutilation. A little respect please.

by Anonymousreply 148November 22, 2018 4:46 AM

I'm the screeching argument that erupted in the 1997 Subaru when Darlene told Kim she'd better not be drinking today. It lasted all the way up I-95.

by Anonymousreply 149November 22, 2018 4:48 AM

I had nowhere else to go today.

by Anonymousreply 150November 22, 2018 4:48 AM

Oh crap. A clique of 20-something SJWs just walked in! I'm outta here!

by Anonymousreply 151November 22, 2018 4:50 AM

Knock knock.....are you all still with me?

by Anonymousreply 152November 22, 2018 4:51 AM

I'm this in a double mat {cream and gold } in a 1 inch frame in the hallway.

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by Anonymousreply 153November 22, 2018 4:51 AM

I'm the boxes of Yellow Tail wine on the kitchen counter.

by Anonymousreply 154November 22, 2018 4:55 AM

I'm the cat high as fuck off catnip in the back bathroom. I'm also a big Trump supporter. Ssshhh! Don't tell the ladies.

by Anonymousreply 155November 22, 2018 4:56 AM

Hey, Leslie, pass the pussy!

by Anonymousreply 156November 22, 2018 4:59 AM

***Rosie O'D screwing her face up into glaring snarl and looking suspiciously at the cat***

by Anonymousreply 157November 22, 2018 5:00 AM

Blaine and Antoine. This party? Hate it!!

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by Anonymousreply 158November 22, 2018 5:06 AM

I'm Jeannie, and I'm late getting here for having dinner with my kids and husband. After dropping the kids at Grandma's, hubby said he'd go hang with his buddy, Steve.

by Anonymousreply 159November 22, 2018 5:10 AM

r7

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by Anonymousreply 160November 22, 2018 5:11 AM

HI EVERYBODY! I BROUGHT ALL MY JANEANE GAROFALO DVDS!

by Anonymousreply 161November 22, 2018 5:26 AM

I'm the pleasure rod (8" clitoral-crimson steel vibrator) shattering the bedroom window & landing in the vegetable garden sometime after midnight. Lucy, their frazzled Lab, bolts out the doggie door to run for the woods behind the house.

by Anonymousreply 162November 22, 2018 5:35 AM

I'm a DVD of CAROL. I've been inside the DVD player for two years. Help me.

by Anonymousreply 163November 22, 2018 5:37 AM

I'm the dungarees hanging in the closet.

by Anonymousreply 164November 22, 2018 5:42 AM

I am Wangero X. Kwashiorkor, formerly Gloria Henderson. I love y'all dearly, although some of you did get on my nerves at the farewell Michfest Breast Casting for Womyn of Color workshop when you claimed to have been WOC in another lifetime.

by Anonymousreply 165November 22, 2018 5:49 AM

We're bras... we weren't invited...

by Anonymousreply 166November 22, 2018 5:51 AM

I'm Madeline's vinegary kombucha. Noone will finish their glass of me.

by Anonymousreply 167November 22, 2018 6:48 AM

I'm "witchcraft" mentioned in OP's linked article but not yet on this thread. I'm also "coven."

by Anonymousreply 168November 22, 2018 7:39 AM

I’m the tofurkey.

by Anonymousreply 169November 22, 2018 7:50 AM

I'm the lentil salads. There are four of us, and 3 varieties of hummus.

by Anonymousreply 170November 22, 2018 9:05 AM

[quote]I'm the CD of Tracy Chapman's debut album, which Midge has just started to play on the Bose from 1998.

You mean 1988? And what is "the Bose"?

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by Anonymousreply 171November 22, 2018 9:29 AM

Bose is a brand of speakers and what in 1998 was considered very compact stereo systems, so I think there was no typo in that post.

Get to know your prepositional phrases and modifiers, r171. The post was referring to “the Bose from 1998,” not the CD.

by Anonymousreply 172November 22, 2018 10:32 AM

Bose CD player from 1998. I assume the joke was about the lesbians being hopelessly behind the times, r171, by playing, first of all CD’s!, secondly, one hit wonder Tracy Chapman, and thirdly, on a Bose CD player, which to millenials is like generation x making fun of 8-tracks.

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by Anonymousreply 173November 22, 2018 10:36 AM

I have never referred to speakers as being from a particular year. Sorry, r172.

by Anonymousreply 174November 22, 2018 10:36 AM

R171

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by Anonymousreply 175November 22, 2018 10:39 AM

[quote]I assume the joke was about the lesbians being hopelessly behind the times

Which is completely, perfectly implicit in "Tracy Chapman's debut album."

by Anonymousreply 176November 22, 2018 10:41 AM

[quote]I have never referred to speakers as being from a particular year. Sorry, [R172].

OK but it only takes basic knowledge of English to know that the prepositional phrase “from 1998” is modifying the object next to it “the Bose”, then you go oh, haha. And move on.

by Anonymousreply 177November 22, 2018 10:42 AM

Alright, r177. You are hilarious. I am a dunderhead. Can we stop now? PLEASE?

by Anonymousreply 178November 22, 2018 10:45 AM

I am the couch. If the right, nice fair minded ladies come the hostess will be flopped on me pleasantly drunk maybe snoring after desert. Her beloved buddies will be joshing and cleaning up after she had done everything else. She will rise and fix them all BIG gladware containers of deliciousness to carry home.

She will say goodbye, return to my over stuffed cushions. It will have been a splendid success, with all the smart, funny kind lesbians.

by Anonymousreply 179November 22, 2018 11:14 AM

I wasn’t the original poster of the Tracy Chapman post, r178, I’m just one of many who got the lame joke.

by Anonymousreply 180November 22, 2018 11:16 AM

Yet for some reason, r180, you're the one who can't let it go.

by Anonymousreply 181November 22, 2018 11:24 AM

For the record, Tracey Chapman was a TWO hit wonder with "Fast Car" and "Call Me Anytime"

by Anonymousreply 182November 22, 2018 1:06 PM

Can we please move on? Y'all sound like a bunch of lesbians.

by Anonymousreply 183November 22, 2018 1:10 PM

Everybody talks about pussy.

And the cute habits of their.cats.

by Anonymousreply 184November 22, 2018 1:13 PM

Lol r183 😁

by Anonymousreply 185November 22, 2018 1:17 PM

I am the kitchen , the most neglected room decor/design wise in the lesbian household

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by Anonymousreply 186November 22, 2018 1:18 PM

I am Lavern an "ElderLesbie" I drink too much Yellow Tail and grab my guitar !!! I forget to change the pronouns in the song ....

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by Anonymousreply 187November 22, 2018 1:26 PM

I’m the ghost of Marie Dressler. This brings back fond memories of Thanksgiving 1927, when I tried to put the moves on Spring Byington. Damn that stupid Garbo bitch for pussy blocking me!

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by Anonymousreply 188November 22, 2018 1:27 PM

I'm the floorboards creaking and straining under the combined weight of all the lesbians.

by Anonymousreply 189November 22, 2018 1:32 PM

I’m Rhonda. And I’m smiling through gritted teeth to hide how TRIGGERED I am by R187’s flagrant misuse of pronouns!

by Anonymousreply 190November 22, 2018 1:32 PM

I’m Harmony, and I’m sorry I’m late. The traffic getting out of the local turkey trot 5K race is always a bitch.

Whoops, was that my finisher’s medal that just dropped into the mashed potatoes? Sorry!

by Anonymousreply 191November 22, 2018 1:51 PM

I am the spoons, which are almost used up.

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by Anonymousreply 192November 22, 2018 2:05 PM

We’re Christy and Stacy. We recorded our own self-financed album in 1990 while we went to Texas A&M University.

Of course, we brought our guitars as we will be “coaxed” into performing after the meal. We’ll perform classics from our 28 year old album as well as music from Christy’s solo album.

We will also sing a few covers like the Indigo Girls’ “Closer To Fine” and Stevie Nicks’ “Landslide,” which always get the girls crying.

We’re in Austin, of course.

by Anonymousreply 193November 22, 2018 2:14 PM

I'm the expired tags on Kim's '97 Subaru, which is why she reverse parked me into the driveway.

by Anonymousreply 194November 22, 2018 2:14 PM

I'm the comfy Bernie Sanders 2016 Sweatshirts over half the flannel in the room.

by Anonymousreply 195November 22, 2018 2:19 PM

I am the bumper sticker on half of the attendees' cars.

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by Anonymousreply 196November 22, 2018 2:22 PM

I am the Blue Moon pottery that graces the dining table. I am made by a lesbian collective in Vermont.

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by Anonymousreply 197November 22, 2018 2:24 PM

I am the scent of 15 unwashed vaginas. I am serving as a magnet for every stray Cat in a 1.5 mile radius.

by Anonymousreply 198November 22, 2018 2:26 PM

I’m the Zippo lighter Sara has had since college. She’s using me to light her Marlboros she needs to calm her down after she was called ‘sir’ earlier today.

by Anonymousreply 199November 22, 2018 2:46 PM

I’m the CD collection gathering dust that we can’t bring ourselves to throw away including Wendy & Lisa, Sinead O’Connor (first album only) and Michelle Shocked.

by Anonymousreply 200November 22, 2018 2:48 PM

I ‘m Gloria. I am on my fifth Miller Genuine Draft Light. I still feel betrayed by Holly Near and Michelle Shocked turning straight.

by Anonymousreply 201November 22, 2018 2:55 PM

Im the hairy nipple that was not plucked.

by Anonymousreply 202November 22, 2018 3:03 PM

I'm Joe-Dee. I'm a cutter. I will wear short sleeved shirts today to make you a little sick as you view my physical side effects of my pain. I feel the scars are a work of art.

by Anonymousreply 203November 22, 2018 3:05 PM

I'm the gastric band in one of the guests. I have eroded, causing her stomach to explode.

by Anonymousreply 204November 22, 2018 3:08 PM

I'm the grease and grime under the bitten fingernails of Val. In addition to a love of carpentry, power tools, and mud play, she also works on her Harley constantly. The other girls never believe her when she insists that she actually HAS washed her hands before dinner.

by Anonymousreply 205November 22, 2018 3:09 PM

I'm the side-eye that Darlene is giving Kim every time she gets a little too close to the boxed Yellow Tail on the kitchen counter. If she starts drinking today there is going to be hell to pay on the ride home!

by Anonymousreply 206November 22, 2018 3:19 PM

I'm the Dreamcatcher keychains hanging off the belt loops.

by Anonymousreply 207November 22, 2018 3:22 PM

I am the lack of references to Barbra Streisand, Liza Minnelli, or Cher.

by Anonymousreply 208November 22, 2018 3:29 PM

I’m Gloria, drunk and fascinated by Jo-Dee’s pain. She really gets me!

(I hope she doesn’t turn straight, too, like Holly and Michelle!)

by Anonymousreply 209November 22, 2018 3:32 PM

^That's actually an interesting point. Do lesbians have male celebrities which they idolize?

by Anonymousreply 210November 22, 2018 3:32 PM

Hi I'm PJ and this is TJ. We'll just put this cooler of Coors Light on the back deck, everybody help yourselves! Oh, we parked our truck on the front lawn because the driveway's full, is that ok?

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by Anonymousreply 211November 22, 2018 3:32 PM

Hi, I'm Nat and I can't wait to gobble, gobble, gobble!

by Anonymousreply 212November 22, 2018 3:37 PM

I’m little Chloë from R51’s post. Mommy has forbidden me to bring my princess dolls from daddy’s house because she says they reinforce negative stereotypes.

Since I have no interest in the gender neutral toys mom and her wife got me, I put on mommy’s old pink pussy hat and go outside to play among the Subarus.

by Anonymousreply 213November 22, 2018 3:38 PM

I’m the dirty rear quarter panel of Kim’s 1997 Subaru. It seems like it’s coming from the emissions but replacing the exhaust system is too much money. It’s a shame though, because the dirty exhaust is soiling Kim’s vintage Lilith Fair bumper sticker, the one next to her 12-step ‘One Day at a Time’ sticker.

by Anonymousreply 214November 22, 2018 3:38 PM

I love r191.

by Anonymousreply 215November 22, 2018 3:47 PM

I am the pagan prayer said before we dig in.

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by Anonymousreply 216November 22, 2018 3:47 PM

I'm Kim and I swear to God if Darlene gives the the side-eye one more fucking time when I'm near the Yellow Tail I'm just going to pour myself a glass. Fuck it. Fuck her. Everybody else is drinking, why can't I? Ok, maybe I'll just go out on the deck for an American Spirit and chug down one of those Coors Lights so nobody will see me.

by Anonymousreply 217November 22, 2018 3:56 PM

I’m an acoustic guitar, I’m going to make my entrance soon for a Lilith Fair sing-a-long

by Anonymousreply 218November 22, 2018 3:58 PM

I’m a lightbulb 💡. One lesbian will screw me in while two more will write a meaningful folk song about it.

by Anonymousreply 219November 22, 2018 4:01 PM

Where's Nan with her nutloaf bread pudding?

by Anonymousreply 220November 22, 2018 4:04 PM

I'm the survey of who is going to Dinah Shore and who wants to ride with whom and who wants to room with whom.

by Anonymousreply 221November 22, 2018 4:05 PM

We are the collection of peppermint patty and Marcy figurines sitting in the curio.

by Anonymousreply 222November 22, 2018 4:06 PM

I'm the impromptu yoga class in the den, in silent protest of the acoustic sing-along in the living room.

by Anonymousreply 223November 22, 2018 4:07 PM

I'm the intense discussion about locally sourced, organic food.

by Anonymousreply 224November 22, 2018 4:11 PM

I'm every queef.

by Anonymousreply 225November 22, 2018 4:17 PM

I’m the iutz cheese balls horrified that I’m going to be stuck under flapjack titties and gunts for a cheese ball contest.

by Anonymousreply 226November 22, 2018 4:23 PM

I am the angry penised lesbian, seething with rage for the snub.

by Anonymousreply 227November 22, 2018 4:23 PM

I'm wondering which poster is going to start a Let's be Kim's 1997 Subaru thread

by Anonymousreply 228November 22, 2018 4:24 PM

I'm a wallet chain, I average about one for every two guests.

by Anonymousreply 229November 22, 2018 4:28 PM

Here I am!

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by Anonymousreply 230November 22, 2018 4:28 PM

I'm the phrase, 'How dare you?' I'm never far from the lips of every single person in the room.

by Anonymousreply 231November 22, 2018 4:30 PM

I’m the Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy action figures posed in a provocative way on the mantle.

by Anonymousreply 232November 22, 2018 4:33 PM

Hi. I'm Kit, Jo's ex. Sorry I'm late. My Wrangler's been giving me trouble. Nice Subi in the drive. '97 was a great model year. I may need a jump later. Anyone got cables?

by Anonymousreply 233November 22, 2018 4:40 PM

We're Chris and Sam. We smoked a big fat bowl of weed in our Jeep Wrangler on the way over. Is the food almost ready? We're STARVING!

by Anonymousreply 234November 22, 2018 4:43 PM

I'm the land line phone. Because you never know when you will need one in an emergency.

by Anonymousreply 235November 22, 2018 4:46 PM

I'm a toast to the Goddess, for all the things we're thankful for this year.

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by Anonymousreply 236November 22, 2018 4:49 PM

I’m the belt hook that Kim’s still-functional Motorola flip phone is worn on. I’ve seen a lot of action today because it’s ringing constantly from a parade of her exes wishing her a happy Thanksgiving. That’s my way of saying there is a steady stream of bitches taking today as the opportunity to play mind games with her. Kim will be hitting the Yellowtail soon enough. For now, everyone has to listen to her funny ring tone (theme from Cagney and Lacey)

by Anonymousreply 237November 22, 2018 4:54 PM

Hi, I'm here. Am I welcome?

by Anonymousreply 238November 22, 2018 4:55 PM

I'm the L Chat banner flickering on the Acer desk top computer in the guest room.

by Anonymousreply 239November 22, 2018 4:59 PM

I'm Patty. I'm that small town gal who looks & dresses exactly like Dwight Schrute.

by Anonymousreply 240November 22, 2018 5:01 PM

I'm the driveway and the front yard, which looks like a Subaru dealership right now.

by Anonymousreply 241November 22, 2018 5:01 PM

I’m the pepperoni pizza that no-frills Marty will order as soon as she gets home after a day of putting up with all this quinoa and lentil shit.

by Anonymousreply 242November 22, 2018 5:01 PM

I’m the basketball hoop above the garage door at Kelly’s home next door. Attendees at regular heterosexual Thanksgiving dinners may engage in a quick game of flag football before the eating begins, but Carol, Dotty, Crowley, Mo, BJ, Lakisha, D’Joan, Playmaker, Jett, and The Blaze were all NCAA Hoops All-Stars back in the 80’s (the first Title 9 babies) and they still feel they got it and up for a quick half-court 20-point fest. There will be a few pulled shoulders and sore thighs afterwards but it will all have been worth it.

by Anonymousreply 243November 22, 2018 5:05 PM

Poor R243, having to live next door to basketball active.

by Anonymousreply 244November 22, 2018 5:06 PM

I'm Miriam. Patty's mother. I decided to come and support her in a non traditional Thanksgiving this year. I'll be showing the sonogram pictures on my phone, all day, that my other daughter sent me. You know. The other daughter. THE ONE WHO CAN GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN! After a few drinks I'll be asking Joe-Dee and her wife Angela which one is the man.

by Anonymousreply 245November 22, 2018 5:07 PM

We're the uptight fundamentalist Christian neighbors who live across the street, glaring disapprovingly out their windows at their lesbian neighbors. After PJ finishes her fifth Coors Light, she'll go out on the front lawn and flash her tits at them.

by Anonymousreply 246November 22, 2018 5:09 PM

I'll be the one shouting "WORLDSTAR" by the end of the day.

by Anonymousreply 247November 22, 2018 5:11 PM

I'm the multiple pine tree air fresheners hanging from the rearview mirror in Marge's Outback, in a vain attempt to try and cover up the smell of weed and Marlboro Reds.

by Anonymousreply 248November 22, 2018 5:14 PM

I’m the bar of Irish Spring for guests to wash their hands.

by Anonymousreply 249November 22, 2018 5:14 PM

I’m the cherry pie that Romy tried to bake. She’s never baked one before and the Comstock preserves turned her frozen pastry into gummy mush. She’s now serving it up in bowls with a spoon and calling it a cobbler. The womyn there, in politeness, declare it the best they’ve ever eaten.

by Anonymousreply 250November 22, 2018 5:18 PM

Ding-dong, I'm the doorbell. Oh, Deb and Fran are here! Did they bring their rescue dogs this time?

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by Anonymousreply 251November 22, 2018 5:18 PM

I’m the game of Scrabble that triggers Bev.

by Anonymousreply 252November 22, 2018 5:20 PM

I'm the dust-covered VHS tapes of [italic]The L Word: the Complete Series[/italic] and [Queer as Folk[/italic] the American Version, that have sat on a shelf unwatched since the 90's. Maybe we'll have a little movie time in the greenhouse where we keep the television, following the acoustic guitar sing-a-long and impromptu yoga class of course.

by Anonymousreply 253November 22, 2018 5:26 PM

Deb and Fran are going to talk endlessly about the squirrel rehabilitation center they work at aren't they?

by Anonymousreply 254November 22, 2018 5:26 PM

We are the neighbors that live down the street and stopped by. All this eating caused us to feel lethargic so we took a break outside to imbibe the cocktails from our happy thermo.

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by Anonymousreply 255November 22, 2018 5:28 PM

R243, I’ll pass on the basketball today. I just ran the Turkey Trot. Did you see my finisher’s medal?

by Anonymousreply 256November 22, 2018 5:32 PM

I'm MoJo's modified mullet wig bought at Walmart, on account of losing her hair from chemo treatments.

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by Anonymousreply 257November 22, 2018 5:38 PM

I'm the carelessly prepared stuffing that's going to give everybody the explosive shits in a few hours.

by Anonymousreply 258November 22, 2018 5:40 PM

[quote] I'm the fact that it will be a POT LUCK.

It’s a soupluck not a potluck.

by Anonymousreply 259November 22, 2018 5:41 PM

Oooh, I’m that one person on every “Let’s Be” thread who takes it a little too far.

by Anonymousreply 260November 22, 2018 5:43 PM

[quote] I'm the wispy facial hair.

So apt.

by Anonymousreply 261November 22, 2018 5:45 PM

I’m the green bean casserole 🥘 made with the secret ingredient: Jack Daniels.

by Anonymousreply 262November 22, 2018 5:54 PM

I'm the six pack of Bud Light that's missing from the fridge. Hey, has anyone seen Kim?

by Anonymousreply 263November 22, 2018 5:56 PM

I'm Sal and I'm wearing my orange Home Depot vest bc they scheduled me to work today at 5pm bc that's when they open for Black "Friday".

by Anonymousreply 264November 22, 2018 5:58 PM

I'm the cranberry sauce, brought by Dallas. Dallas is in IT.

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by Anonymousreply 265November 22, 2018 5:58 PM

WTF was Edith thinking? Who invited her anyway? Isn't she a friend of Dallas?

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by Anonymousreply 266November 22, 2018 5:59 PM

I’m the canned yams with marshmallow and brown sugar. No one is eating me. Nobody ever eats me.

by Anonymousreply 267November 22, 2018 5:59 PM

Oh Lord, and look what they brought for the kids! Frozen pork, beans, and ketchup pops. Get me some wine, fast!

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by Anonymousreply 268November 22, 2018 6:04 PM

Ketchup pops?!

by Anonymousreply 269November 22, 2018 6:08 PM

I'm the box of sugar cookies in the cupboard. I was stolen from the last AA meeting.

by Anonymousreply 270November 22, 2018 6:13 PM

I'm a sense of humor. I'm nowhere near this dinner.

by Anonymousreply 271November 22, 2018 6:15 PM

I'm the calm and insightful political discourse.

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by Anonymousreply 272November 22, 2018 6:43 PM

I'm the Bernie vs. Hillary vs. Jill debate discussed over whiskey,Bud Light and some kush in the backyard by the fire pit. I end friendships and cause 3 people inside to relapse.

by Anonymousreply 273November 22, 2018 8:54 PM

I'm the Mrs Kravitz-like frau next door looking through her window into theirs while while saying over her shoulder to husband "Something's just not right in that house. Do you suppose they could be L.E.S.B.I.A.N.S?" The husband just looks at her like she's retarded.

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by Anonymousreply 274November 22, 2018 8:56 PM

I’m the bread pudding stolen from ruth’s Chris

by Anonymousreply 275November 22, 2018 9:02 PM

FEED MY BEAST BITCHES! No one cares about your stupid dinner or digestion, I need some action on this thread.

by Anonymousreply 276November 22, 2018 9:08 PM

257 doesn't show up. Is it the menstrual painting person?

by Anonymousreply 277November 22, 2018 9:21 PM

R277 You must have them blocked. You aren't missing anything:

I'm MoJo's modified mullet wig bought at Walmart, on account of losing her hair from chemo treatments.

by Anonymousreply 278November 22, 2018 9:37 PM

R277, it’s not the same poster, but he is a shit-stirrer who tries to divide gay Democrats.

by Anonymousreply 279November 22, 2018 9:39 PM

R279 posting at the dinner.

by Anonymousreply 280November 22, 2018 9:42 PM

I'm a soft and gently wrinkled slightly fuzzy face with no make-up, topped by short curly blondish salt and pepper hair.

by Anonymousreply 281November 22, 2018 10:40 PM

Wow, that is rather lovely and I could picture it perfectly r281!

by Anonymousreply 282November 22, 2018 10:44 PM

I'm Kim's waistline, screaming after she decided to go for a third helping of sweet potato poon.

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by Anonymousreply 283November 22, 2018 11:18 PM

I'm the warm plastic bag of Franzia being chugged in the shed (easier to hide that way) by Kim, Kath, and Alex. Eventually we'll be snorting lines of Percocet, stolen from the host.

by Anonymousreply 284November 22, 2018 11:41 PM

I'm the bottle of hand sanitizer hidden in Thora's pocket. She'll discreetly use me to clean her hands & the cutlery before eating.

by Anonymousreply 285November 22, 2018 11:52 PM

I'm the videos neatly stacked next to the VCR - GO FISH, IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK 2, BOUND, FUCKING AMAL, HIGH ART, BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER, HEAVENLY CREATURES, FOXFIRE, GIA,GIRL INTERRUPTED, TOMB RAIDER and TOMB RAIDER 2.

by Anonymousreply 286November 23, 2018 12:00 AM

You forgot DESERT HEARTS and BAGHDAD CAFE.

by Anonymousreply 287November 23, 2018 12:37 AM

R271 just pointed out why gay men are more likeable than gay women.

by Anonymousreply 288November 23, 2018 1:25 AM

I'm the outline of the nipple ring underneath the Carhartt sweatshirt.

by Anonymousreply 289November 23, 2018 1:50 AM

I’m the old scores that WILL be settled

by Anonymousreply 290November 23, 2018 2:13 AM

I'm the steel toed boots.

by Anonymousreply 291November 23, 2018 2:39 AM

I'm the velour hoodie that's worn for special occasions.

by Anonymousreply 292November 23, 2018 2:52 AM

We're the matching Kirkland Signature coats.

by Anonymousreply 293November 23, 2018 3:00 AM

We're the breasts. And we're SO CLOSE to finally touching the waist.

by Anonymousreply 294November 23, 2018 3:08 AM

I'm the cat, "Kitty." After the first couple people arrived, I decide to get while the gettin's good and make a run for it, darting through the dining room, making myself as flat as possible in the hopes of being invisible. I won't be seen again till tomorrow morning. I want no part of this shitshow.

by Anonymousreply 295November 23, 2018 3:16 AM

I’m the overhead lighting.

by Anonymousreply 296November 23, 2018 3:31 AM

I’m the toilet seat that stays DOWN throughout the festivities. Or at least until Kim, Kath and Alex get sick from their Franzia and Percs.

by Anonymousreply 297November 23, 2018 3:37 AM

I love my lesbian sisters. Happy Thanksgiving!

by Anonymousreply 298November 23, 2018 3:41 AM

R298 Oh look! A MAN is telling us how we are supposed to feel on Thanksgiving! So typical....

by Anonymousreply 299November 23, 2018 3:46 AM

FUCKING AMAL, HIGH ART, BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER . . . I've never heard of those movies. Are they GP or X rated?

I'm the straight girl that doesn't belong on this thread but was oh so curious.

by Anonymousreply 300November 23, 2018 3:53 AM

I'm Dar (Darlene) who wants to play a new composition on the piano I wrote for this occasion, but I can't get everyone to shut up at the same time.

by Anonymousreply 301November 23, 2018 4:26 AM

I'm the pool table that doesn't have balls.

by Anonymousreply 302November 23, 2018 4:26 AM

I'm the tortoiseshell cat looking down with disdain on the group from a bookshelf.

by Anonymousreply 303November 23, 2018 4:28 AM

I'm the bottle opener Pat has on her belt loop, popping off the tops of Coors Light and Miller Genuine Draft for all the other gals.

by Anonymousreply 304November 23, 2018 4:39 AM

I'm the discussion about where to hang Barb's newly purchased painting of a bouquet of tulips that look like giant red vulvas. Front hall or living room?

by Anonymousreply 305November 23, 2018 4:41 AM

I'M the painting Nan made by slathering tempera paint on her genitals and rocking back and forth on a canvas. I look like a pudgy butterfly with a stray pube stuck to one wing. Nan has signed me and hopes to sell me on her Etsy shop as a way to supplement her income from the feminist bookstore where she works part-time. All the girls pretend to love me except Kim, who has passed out next to the fake palm tree in the corner.

by Anonymousreply 306November 23, 2018 5:18 AM

Are the taintings in R306 and R54 similar?

by Anonymousreply 307November 23, 2018 6:01 AM

Are the taintings in R306 and R64 similar?

by Anonymousreply 308November 23, 2018 6:02 AM

[quote] Are they GP or X rated?

PG

by Anonymousreply 309November 23, 2018 6:03 AM

R307 if that was intentional, bravo!

by Anonymousreply 310November 23, 2018 6:14 AM

[quote] if that was intentional, bravo!

It was but I wish I’d but the correct post number at R307.

by Anonymousreply 311November 23, 2018 6:17 AM

🙄🙄

by Anonymousreply 312November 23, 2018 6:19 AM

We’re the shoes at R36 and R56 arguing over who should’ve posted first and whether the Birkenstocks should lose their posting privileges.

by Anonymousreply 313November 23, 2018 6:21 AM

Someone here is into gross lesbian hygiene

by Anonymousreply 314November 23, 2018 6:25 AM

Meant to say a particular gross lesbian’s hygiene, not imply that all lesbian hygiene is gross (not true)

by Anonymousreply 315November 23, 2018 6:27 AM

I'm the chainsaw that the host will use to carve the turkey.

by Anonymousreply 316November 23, 2018 6:29 AM

I'm the print over the sofa.

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by Anonymousreply 317November 23, 2018 6:36 AM

[quote] Do lesbians have male celebrities which they idolize?

Viggo Mortensen

by Anonymousreply 318November 23, 2018 7:19 AM

[quote]Do lesbians have male celebrities which they idolize?

KD Lang

Chaz

by Anonymousreply 319November 23, 2018 7:24 AM

[quote] I'm wondering which poster is going to start a Let's be Kim's 1997 Subaru thread —I kind of want this to happen...

It’s all for you, R228.

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by Anonymousreply 320November 23, 2018 7:31 AM

We shall marry R320

by Anonymousreply 321November 23, 2018 8:43 AM

If only Subaru wasn't misspelled in the initial post!

by Anonymousreply 322November 23, 2018 9:32 AM

R52 I am still up at 5 am reading in the dark, and your post caused me to laugh out loud and wake my houseguest in the next room.

I chuckle silently at most of these clever comments, but for some reason yours really hit my funny bone. It is SO true.

by Anonymousreply 323November 23, 2018 10:06 AM

We're the strap-on didos hidden at the back of the wardrobe in case we trigger anyone.

by Anonymousreply 324November 23, 2018 11:37 AM

I'm the bookshelf, I contain Radclyffe Hall, the poems of Sappho and a photo book about Drag Kings.

by Anonymousreply 325November 23, 2018 11:39 AM

R165, Some believe that when 100% of the Earth has had an offer to accept Christ as their personal savior, He will soon return. The Christian martyr was so naive he didn't realize that there are still dozens of tribal groups all over the world that are still relatively untouched by modern civilization.

by Anonymousreply 326November 23, 2018 12:23 PM

I'm 326 sorry for gatecrashing ladies!

by Anonymousreply 327November 23, 2018 12:28 PM

Tuna casserole with extra salt.

by Anonymousreply 328November 23, 2018 12:31 PM

R426, did you take a wrong turn at Vulva Way?

by Anonymousreply 329November 23, 2018 12:39 PM

Meant for r326

by Anonymousreply 330November 23, 2018 12:40 PM

R329, R330, R326 was designed for the thread on the Christian adventurer/missionary who died breaking Indian laws. I'm sure if he broke social protocol and showed up at the all-womyn Friendsgiving feast he would still be breathing.

by Anonymousreply 331November 23, 2018 1:39 PM

I'm the six pack of local craft beer that Ronnie brought, not because she loves it like she claims, but because it was on sale at the liquor store.

by Anonymousreply 332November 23, 2018 1:47 PM

I'm the pilled, russet-hued poly-blend throw draped over the seat cushions of the worn hand-me-down IKEA sofa. I hide the dark and multifarious piss stains left there by Millie, the large shelter mutt who had some continence issues in her later years. Millie died in 2014.

by Anonymousreply 333November 23, 2018 1:54 PM

Millie was of course, a very good girl.

by Anonymousreply 334November 23, 2018 2:30 PM

I'm the adolescent brother of the pre-pubescent male offspring of Peg and Lindsay-Kate at R66. I'm 17 and I know I'm straight. What I [italic]don't[/italic] know is why all these women keep bitching about this being a male-dominated world when my world has always been so painfully female dominated.

by Anonymousreply 335November 23, 2018 2:30 PM

I am the harbinger of disaster: the words, "What's that supposed to mean?"

by Anonymousreply 336November 23, 2018 2:44 PM

GROSS

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by Anonymousreply 337November 23, 2018 3:37 PM

r337 Eeeww

by Anonymousreply 338November 23, 2018 3:38 PM

Hi I'm Krys and I'm not going to eat anything until we hold hands in silent remembrance of the slaughter of our brave indigenous sisters.

by Anonymousreply 339November 23, 2018 3:43 PM

I don't get much action round here.

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by Anonymousreply 340November 23, 2018 3:46 PM

I'm Jewell (legal name: Tiffany) and I would like to request that we use another word for nutloaf. As you all know, I am a survivor of sexual assault and the word "nut" is very triggering for me.

by Anonymousreply 341November 23, 2018 4:21 PM

Will labia-loaf do for you Jewell?

By the way, one of your 15 earrings just fell into the pumpkin soup. I hope 'pump' doesn't trigger you or make you thinking of huge swinging testes pumping their nut juice all over you.

by Anonymousreply 342November 23, 2018 4:26 PM

I’m the soy not-turkey. I taste just like the real thing!

by Anonymousreply 343November 23, 2018 4:28 PM

Hi I'm gingham - I'm THE look at this Thanksgiving!

by Anonymousreply 344November 23, 2018 4:28 PM

I'm Barb, wondering if the glazed frosting on my dessert will trigger Jewell's memories of her sexual assault. Dottie told me he finished all over her face.

by Anonymousreply 345November 23, 2018 4:29 PM

I'm the pair of John Lennon-esque spectacles that let me admire my fellow diner's tits.

by Anonymousreply 346November 23, 2018 4:30 PM

I’m 1/128th Native American so I’m boycotting the meal and will be sending all attendees scoldy texts about how your holiday is a celebration of your ancestors exterminating mine.

by Anonymousreply 347November 23, 2018 4:30 PM

I'm righteous indignation, if anything's spilling out of the horn o' plenty at this dinner, it's me!

by Anonymousreply 348November 23, 2018 4:33 PM

I'm Dottie and I want to hold a healing circle to help Jewell overcome the memories of her sexual assault.

I'll also be holding a pierce your own clit workshop afterwards.

by Anonymousreply 349November 23, 2018 4:33 PM

I'm the host's yellowed, dusty paperback copy of "The Female Eunuch" by Germaine Greer, which catches Viv's eye as she looks for the "Prisoner: Cell Block H" DVD box set. I lead to a loud, disingenuously offhand comment about whether Greer should be considered "problematic" that escalates into a drunken shouting match over whether a rape apologist Islamophobe's book should even be allowed under this roof. A shoving match looms, but fortunately Viv and Jewell opt instead to angrily stalk out the back door and smoke sullenly in the cold.

by Anonymousreply 350November 23, 2018 4:37 PM

bunch of losers with nothing to do but sit around criticizing lesbians. I'm the wealthy lesbian living in california that wouldn't invite a gay man to my wonderful full thanksgiving dinner.

by Anonymousreply 351November 23, 2018 4:37 PM

Oh R351 - we didn't invite the sense of humour, did you forget? This is for LEZZERS only.

by Anonymousreply 352November 23, 2018 4:42 PM

I'm all the cucumbers which will disappear after lights out.

by Anonymousreply 353November 23, 2018 4:45 PM

What's THAT supposed to mean, r351??

by Anonymousreply 354November 23, 2018 4:48 PM

R351 declared her indignation with such force she dropped some nutloaf on her flannel shirt!

by Anonymousreply 355November 23, 2018 4:49 PM

I'm a police officer ringing the doorbell...looking for a 1997 Subaru involved in a "smash n' grab" at a Walmart earlier in the day....

by Anonymousreply 356November 23, 2018 4:49 PM

I'm Midge, peeling an orange with her pocket knight and looking sideways at Kim.

by Anonymousreply 357November 23, 2018 5:06 PM

Pocket KNIFE!

by Anonymousreply 358November 23, 2018 5:07 PM

I'm the wealthy Lesbian from r351 who has dropped by late to the event with my womynservant Pol and an opened bottle of Yellowtail wine. I enter the house imperiously, glance at the pedestrian furnishings, and allow the slightest disgusted curl of my lip to show, causing Nan to burst into tears and lock herself in the bathroom. I was once like them, you see, working at the feminist bookstore with Kim, but my tinkerings led to a line of vaginal rejuvenator devices that have made me very successful. Little do I know that the devices have a fatal flaw that causes Rotting Labia Syndrome, and a class action suit is being prepared that will drive me to the poorhouse. For now, though, I enjoy basking in the admiration and obsequiousness of my leaders.

by Anonymousreply 359November 23, 2018 5:11 PM

^ that should be Lessers. Pol has been severely admonished for her typing incompetence and has now joined Nan weeping in the bathroom.

by Anonymousreply 360November 23, 2018 5:13 PM

I'm the bookshelf containing the collected works of Patricia Cornwell.

by Anonymousreply 361November 23, 2018 5:16 PM

Jewell again. I'm also feeling very unsafe after watching Al Roker put sticky white goo on top of all of that sweet poon.

I felt hurt.

I felt violated.

by Anonymousreply 362November 23, 2018 5:26 PM

I'm the transwoman lesbian the others keep making snide remarks about under their breath, like "Please pee INSIDE the toilet, girls"; "Man on land" and "Snip-snip..."

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by Anonymousreply 363November 23, 2018 5:36 PM

I'm Shawna, and I'm peeling an apple with a machete and looking sideways at Midge peel an orange.

by Anonymousreply 364November 23, 2018 5:38 PM

I'm PJ, looking at the 1/2 empty cooler of Coors Light and wondering if I need to make another packie run.

by Anonymousreply 365November 23, 2018 5:42 PM

It's me again. The old paperback of "The Female Eunuch." I was part of the required reading in the host's Women's Studies curriculum at Bennington all those years ago. But she barely even glanced at me, as she was too busy macking on girls, heartlessly teasing boys, and getting stoned at Lilith Fair. Now I meet the most ignominious of ends as, 10 minutes after Jewell and Viv stalked out back to smoke, awaiting the rapprochement that never came, I am, without comment, violently and unceremoniously hurled out the back door and into the dark back yard, fluttering my pages desperately in a final protest. I land in a dirty pile of melted snow next to a rusted rake. I will never be touched or spoken of again. Within a month, I will return to the earth whence I came.

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by Anonymousreply 366November 23, 2018 5:44 PM

I am the "Shorpy" photo of the 1925 General Electric Christmas Party.

In the past I have generated many wonderful comments about Svetlana, the guy with the black eye, the barely suppressed rage of the "girl with the handkerchief" and "what the hell is an oil can doing on the floor"?

I am patiently waiting my turn at DL. I am also wondering if my time has passed.

by Anonymousreply 367November 23, 2018 5:47 PM

I'm Brenda's pet llamas, Dolly and Fernando- part of the petting zoo she runs out on highway 9 (camping facilities available).

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by Anonymousreply 368November 23, 2018 6:00 PM

R358, is it an evil petting zoo? Did she buy the zoo?

by Anonymousreply 369November 23, 2018 6:06 PM

"Lesbian! Lesbian!

Living in a No Man's Land!

Lesbian! Lesbian!

ANY WOMAN CAN BE A LESBIAN!"

I'm Lavender Jane Loves Women and drunk Kim is blaring me on speakers of her Subaru outside, wailing along with me!

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by Anonymousreply 370November 23, 2018 6:07 PM

Now Kim is playing me, Jill Sobule from 1995, remembering when life was good and no one bitched at her for drinking and seducing straight women.

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by Anonymousreply 371November 23, 2018 6:09 PM

I'm the baster for the tofu-turkey. You REALLY don't want to know where I was last weekend when Larry and Greg popped over with a 'donation'.

by Anonymousreply 372November 23, 2018 6:12 PM

I'm a Phranc CD playing in the den. I've been in my owner's possession since her college days back in 1989.

by Anonymousreply 373November 23, 2018 6:17 PM

'm a bitter, passive aggressive sense of resentment felt all around the room after Kelly's boundaries were stated but not complied with.

by Anonymousreply 374November 23, 2018 6:19 PM

Post -prandial activity

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by Anonymousreply 375November 23, 2018 6:21 PM

It might look more like this, r375

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by Anonymousreply 376November 23, 2018 6:24 PM

I'm Kel, seething at 375's post, redolent of the male gaze. It is literal violence!

by Anonymousreply 377November 23, 2018 6:25 PM

We're the massages offered in the laundry room after 90% of the guests have left.

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by Anonymousreply 378November 23, 2018 6:28 PM

I'm Iva's former partner Bell. We've recently broken-up and I've moved my lover Heather into my rooms.

We communicate now only through refrigerator notes.

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by Anonymousreply 379November 23, 2018 6:53 PM

I'm the three year old carton of frogurt in the freezer.

by Anonymousreply 380November 23, 2018 7:03 PM

r379 Did some queen actually go to the trouble of writing all that out?

by Anonymousreply 381November 23, 2018 7:08 PM

It’s me again, the paperback copy of “The Female Eunuch,” with a fresh update. When Bev threw me, she was aiming for the compost heap. Her aim is usually unerring due to all those years of playing softball, but this time she was so full of righteous indignation that she overshot. I flew over the fence and bonked a startled next-door neighbor right upside his head.

by Anonymousreply 382November 23, 2018 7:09 PM

I'm a dusty and disheveled pile of ignored mail on the small table by the front door. I include numerous fruitless fundraising mailings from Hillary Clinton, Planned Parenthood, RAINN, the Sierra Club, Lambda Legal, SPLC, "Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi," NARAL, the Human Rights Commission, Greenpeace, NOW and the National Disability Rights Network. Nan is big on signing petitions but not so big on making contributions.

by Anonymousreply 383November 23, 2018 7:15 PM

I'm Leezah-Irene, and although I'm actually 100% white (50% Irish, 40% German, 10% Romanian), in deference to my Pakistani sisters, I am triggered by R365's use of the word "Packie." I don't care that she's referring to beer. My righteous indignation has been kicked into gear, along with my last remaining menstrual period.

by Anonymousreply 384November 23, 2018 7:16 PM

I am a framed copy of Lena Waithe Vanity Fair cover hanging in the kitchen. I was a Valentine Day gift.

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by Anonymousreply 385November 23, 2018 7:19 PM

I'm Rhiannon, the cat watching everything.

I am the Darkness.

I rule my life like a fine skylark and when the sky is starless.

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by Anonymousreply 386November 23, 2018 7:23 PM

I'm the stress relieving adult coloring books.

by Anonymousreply 387November 23, 2018 7:32 PM

I'm the Beginner's Guide to Origami underneath a stack of colored square paper on the reclaimed elm side table in the living room. A lone paper swan watches over me, the only attempt at the ancient art, before Nan got bored and forgot I was there.

by Anonymousreply 388November 23, 2018 7:44 PM

I'm the Duluth Trading Co. catalog on the toilet tank. I'm dogeared on the page with the gusseted lined canvas carpenter's pants.

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by Anonymousreply 389November 23, 2018 7:49 PM

I'm the belt taken to one of the adopted children when she mentions that this time of year reminds her of her now suicided other Mom.

by Anonymousreply 390November 23, 2018 7:50 PM

I'm the casual sexual abuse of the adopted daughter taking place in the upstairs bedroom while guests nibble on chips below.

by Anonymousreply 391November 23, 2018 7:51 PM

I'm the creamed corn.

by Anonymousreply 392November 23, 2018 7:53 PM

I’m the Chex mix.

by Anonymousreply 393November 23, 2018 7:54 PM

[quote] I'm the bookshelf containing the collected works of Patricia Cornwell.

I'm surprised that one isn't already more a meme, like flannel and Subarus. Lesbians love Patricia Cornwell books.

by Anonymousreply 394November 23, 2018 7:54 PM

I am the allergies, sensitivities, ethical stances, fibromyalgia triggers, dietary regimens, and food intolerances of the various guests. If you made a Venn diagram of the foods each guest will eat, the only overlap would be water. Triple-distilled alkaline water.

by Anonymousreply 395November 23, 2018 7:56 PM

I'm the Malboros all the health conscious ladies smoke. I'm also wondering why, with all their dietary requirements and smoking, they're so fat.

by Anonymousreply 396November 23, 2018 7:57 PM

I'm "that's not funny" said any time someone tries to make a joke, even a tired old Paula Poundstone one.

by Anonymousreply 397November 23, 2018 8:00 PM

I'm the smell of smoking and day old fish. I'm still only just about managing to drown out the smell of artificial pumpkin spice from the frau next door's Thanksgiving.

by Anonymousreply 398November 23, 2018 8:02 PM

Maxine has also decided to get into the TP fray

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by Anonymousreply 399November 23, 2018 8:05 PM

I'm Nan's reading glasses. She should be wearing 2.0 magnification, but the house is strewn with 1.25, 1.5, and 1.75 pairs. Not a single one is intact or clean. Most have been sat or stepped on at least once. All were bought during sales at Rite Aid.

by Anonymousreply 400November 23, 2018 8:12 PM

I'm a very battered vintage copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves." If the stains on me could talk, oh the tales they'd tell.

Terrifying tales.

by Anonymousreply 401November 23, 2018 8:17 PM

"I won't sip my wine from a paper cup!"

I'm the DELICIOUS SURPRISE from Jo Dee Messina waiting for the gals!

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by Anonymousreply 402November 23, 2018 8:21 PM

"A girl trying to find herself a perfect man

Is like trying to find Atlantis!"

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by Anonymousreply 403November 23, 2018 8:23 PM

"I'm Sue Bob White, and I've always been the sexiest one in the family" she said with a voice like a tuba.

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by Anonymousreply 404November 23, 2018 8:44 PM

FF r391.

by Anonymousreply 405November 23, 2018 8:50 PM

I'm Penny Marshall. Skype-ing with Joe-Dee. Begging her not to self harm.

by Anonymousreply 406November 23, 2018 8:51 PM

I'm the Lowes vs. Home Depot debate.

by Anonymousreply 407November 23, 2018 8:52 PM

I'm Bell, who just wiped my ass with Iva's hand towels. Fuck you Iva, you cunt. I hope Heather gives you herpes.

by Anonymousreply 408November 23, 2018 8:58 PM

I'm Pam, stating my boundaries: I will NOT support corporate worker-rapers and exploitative capitalist corporations like Lowe's OR Home Depot. I buy my tools and supplies at the local hardware store, like anyone with a conscience!

(I won't be looking too carefully into where and how and by whom those tools and supplies are made.)

by Anonymousreply 409November 23, 2018 9:01 PM

I'm Susan, they call me "Roger" at the refinery. I haven't been the same since the big explosion back in 87.

by Anonymousreply 410November 23, 2018 9:01 PM

I'm the clit hood lemon tarragon soup. Delish!

by Anonymousreply 411November 23, 2018 9:04 PM

I'm Pam's silent scream when she sees all the empty Amazon boxes in the upstairs hallway.

by Anonymousreply 412November 23, 2018 9:27 PM

I'm the nutloaf in the shape of a vulva with cranberry sauce in the middle, dripping down the sides.

by Anonymousreply 413November 23, 2018 9:37 PM

I'm a copy of "Rubyfruit Jungle" which everyone pretends to have read.

by Anonymousreply 414November 23, 2018 9:42 PM

I'm the sausage which causes a massive triggering event and a need for a safe space.

by Anonymousreply 415November 23, 2018 9:44 PM

I'm the heated discussion of the Hart Family murder-suicide. Some think it was an accident, most believe it was intentional. Sadly, Tank and Dottie almost came to blows over it and left others distraught that rarely seen Lesbian Violence reared it's ugly head.

by Anonymousreply 416November 23, 2018 9:45 PM

I’m the football games. Plural.

by Anonymousreply 417November 23, 2018 9:46 PM

I'm the fear of flying.

by Anonymousreply 418November 23, 2018 9:46 PM

I’m the jokes told after dinner. How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it takes half the ER staff to get it out! How do you fit 3 gay men on a barstool? Turn it over! What did one gay sperm say to another? How do we find an egg in all this shit! What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar? Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there! How does a gay guy fake an orgasm? He spits on his back!

by Anonymousreply 419November 23, 2018 9:47 PM

r415, get bulk.

by Anonymousreply 420November 23, 2018 9:47 PM

This is not no regular Thanksgiving Day gathering, it's a fucking CONVENTION! Just take a look at whose here!

A Janeane Garofol fan

A Lonely Queen

A Pregnant Lez

Adolescent brother of the other adolescent

Aiza Gho

Alex

An Ex Husband

Annie

Asian twins Lily and Daisy

Barb

Bel

Bell

Bev

Blaine

Brenda

Brittany AKA Tank

Caitlyn

Carol

Casey

Chloe, until her Dad picks her up

Chris

Christy

Dallas

Dany

Dar

Darlene

Deb

Denise

Dottie

Down the street neighbors

Edith

Ellen Degeneres

Fran

Ghost of Marie Dressler

Ghost of some 30s lez

Gloria

Harmony

Hillary Clinton

Iva

Jan

Jane Lynch

Jeanne

Jewell

Jill

Jo

Joanie

Joanna

Jody

Joe-Dee

Kathy

Kath

Kel

Kim - several

Kit

Krista

Krys

Lavern

Leeza-Irene

Lindsay-Kate

Lipstick Lez

Liz

Lone Trans Woman

Louise

Madeline

Marge

Maxine

Melissa Ethridge

Midge

Mindy

Miriam

Molly

Nan – several

Pam – several

Pat – several

Patty

Peg

Penised lesbian

Penny Marshall

PJ

Portia DeRossi

Rhonda

Rosie O’Donald Sal

Sam

Shawna

Shrek

Sid

Spirit of Lesley Gore

Stacy

Sue

Sue Bob

Susan

Tami-Lyn

The 1/128 Native American Lez

The Hostess

The Slut in 3 Relationships

TJ

Val

Wangero X. Kwashorker

Wealthy Lez from CA and servant Pol

Woman with gastric band

Woman with unplucked hairy nipples

Yoko Ono

by Anonymousreply 421November 23, 2018 9:48 PM

In all fairness Penny Marshall was only on Skype

by Anonymousreply 422November 23, 2018 9:50 PM

R421, you forgot Sal, but that's bc she left for her Black Friday shift at home depot

by Anonymousreply 423November 23, 2018 9:51 PM

Miriam is the most real.

by Anonymousreply 424November 23, 2018 9:52 PM

I'm the sudden tense silence when Nan announces that dinner is served and Kat loudly says, "Let's all bow our heads for grace." As shocked, angry looks shoot around the table, Kat begins, "Goddess, we thank thee for this, the bounty of our mother Gaia...", and a collective sigh of relief is released.

by Anonymousreply 425November 23, 2018 9:53 PM

R423, Sal is there but I forgot to double enter after Rosie O'Donald. Good catch though. I'm sure I missed more.

by Anonymousreply 426November 23, 2018 9:57 PM

Dear Grammar Police,

Please forgive me the typos in R421. They were unintentional errors. So sorrowy.

R421

by Anonymousreply 427November 23, 2018 9:59 PM

I'm the smudging that's done to cleanse the room after the triggering events of the sausage incident.

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by Anonymousreply 428November 23, 2018 10:01 PM

I'm the plywood work table in the unheated garage. Over me is a nearly empty pegboard with a Georgia O'Keeffe calendar displaying the month July 2016. On me is an assortment of boxes of plasticene, pearlescent paint, glitter, a tin can with the label peeled off full of clay-shaping tools, quartz beads, and various craftsy accoutrements, all covered with dust. I am the remnants of an aborted Etsy store, YoniGoddess, which briefly and unprofitably sold handmade Yoni pendants. Nan indulged Peg for a while, but after a few months a Yellowtail-fueled argument, followed by a week of frosty silence, brought an end to Peg's passion project.

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by Anonymousreply 429November 23, 2018 10:14 PM

Yellowtail is for trash. I’m a Barefoot girl.

by Anonymousreply 430November 23, 2018 10:18 PM

I am the icy silence that descends upon the room when someone suggests “Let’s do this again for Christmas!”

I am finally broken when someone else retorts “Of all the religions observed across the planet, how arrogant of you to assume everyone celebrates YOUR holiday!”

by Anonymousreply 431November 23, 2018 10:23 PM

I am the tart rejoinder, "What's THAT supposed to mean? MY holiday?"

by Anonymousreply 432November 23, 2018 10:26 PM

I am the wild-eyed lecture about how Christmas is a patriarchal construct and has been used as a tool for oppression. Colonialism will somehow be worked in there, too.

by Anonymousreply 433November 23, 2018 10:26 PM

I am the bitter retort that the Christians stole the pagan Yule festival in the first place, and don't you DARE suggest that celebrating the winter solstice is somehow related to middle eastern Abrahamic religions!

by Anonymousreply 434November 23, 2018 10:29 PM

I’m the word “problematic.” I will be used multiple times today.

by Anonymousreply 435November 23, 2018 10:29 PM

I am the crabwalk that Dottie does in the living room because Tank won't stop flirting with Kat

by Anonymousreply 436November 23, 2018 10:34 PM

I'm the pepper grinder that Midge is discreetly hiding under the kitchen sink, fearing that it will give Jewell another triggering episode and cause her to re-live her sexual assault. Once is QUITE enough for one day!

by Anonymousreply 437November 23, 2018 10:49 PM

I'm the turquoise Native American Reparations awareness ribbon worn by Cyn's new girlfriend KJ in silent protest of being dragged to this celebration of genocide. All hell will break loose when Shawna mistakes me for an Addiction Recovery ribbon, even though KJ is in recovery.

Well, she was until Shawna opened her big mouth.

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by Anonymousreply 438November 23, 2018 10:56 PM

I am the words "othering," "marginalization," and "intersectional," and I will emerge with just enough alcohol. Then a bit more alcohol will send me back into quiescence, and I will be replaced with a spontaneous singalong (and, for those with remaining spoons, a dancealong) to k.d. lang's "Big-Boned Gal."

by Anonymousreply 439November 23, 2018 10:56 PM

R436 I cannot figure out the visual on that one

by Anonymousreply 440November 23, 2018 11:07 PM

I am the framed photo of the field hockey team from college in 1989. Can you spot Pat?

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by Anonymousreply 441November 23, 2018 11:18 PM

I'm the rescued pit bull, RBG, and I've been hanging out near the table in the hopes of being offered a few scraps or finding a few dropped bites. But the loud voices and alcohol smell, which reminds me of my former abusive alcoholic owner, forces me to move away to the sofa, where I settle with a sigh on the peed-on spot of the late Millie. But when the "Big-Boned Gal" singalong starts, the stomping drives me to reluctantly abandon my spot and retire upstairs. Unfortunately, Jewell is in the master bedroom, reeking of wine, weeping, and hoping someone comes in to ask about her "migraine," which was triggered by the sight of the plump, thick, pink, glistening sausage. I go back downstairs and settle uneasily by the front door with one weary ear cocked for trouble.

by Anonymousreply 442November 23, 2018 11:20 PM

[quote] I go back downstairs and settle uneasily by the front door with one weary ear cocked for trouble.

The use of that c-word is triggering as well!

by Anonymousreply 443November 23, 2018 11:47 PM

I am the 2 empty tubes of Monistat 7 in the guest bathroom trashcan

by Anonymousreply 444November 23, 2018 11:52 PM

I'm Midge with her thumb in her belt loop and a Miller Genuine Draft in her other hand, telling Kath all about the forklift accident at work this past summer.

by Anonymousreply 445November 23, 2018 11:52 PM

I'm the turmoil that suddenly erupts in the living room where some younger sisters were just examining the Bose from 1998: "Is she!?!" , "Is she!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" - the breaking news of Anna Kendrick's super-hot lesbian-only Thanksgiving is making the rounds! The elderlezzers acknowledge me with stoic silence, annoyed glances and two loud farts in perfect unison (PJ and TJ of course!)

by Anonymousreply 446November 24, 2018 12:18 AM

I love that we’re all buying into the name ‘Kim’ as one of the unintentionally dykiest names ever.

by Anonymousreply 447November 24, 2018 12:27 AM

We're Kim and Peg. We went into the freezing garage "to look at Peg's Etsy art" and came back in a much, much better mood. Peg keeps a little stash of weed and vodka out there for emergencies. There would be hell to pay if Nan ever found out.

by Anonymousreply 448November 24, 2018 12:29 AM

I'm Christine. I still use a flip phone. Privacy issues thank you.

by Anonymousreply 449November 24, 2018 12:31 AM

We're Pat and Barb telling the story of how we saw Melissa Etheridge play in a tiny club in the mid-80s, before she was famous, and how we both knew that she was going to be a big deal.

by Anonymousreply 450November 24, 2018 12:42 AM

Black night tit. Livestream of the caravan on her Asus. She wears gender like a sweater, pangender, pansex. A bumper sticker for every trendy moment. No disease passes her by. She actually strives to be deaf and autism sprectrumed. Fybromyalgic. Her chronic fatigue has morphed into a Lyme diagnosis. She shits in the men’s room. Tears of fear as a group of men pounds on the stall door. Dark lesbians.

by Anonymousreply 451November 24, 2018 12:51 AM

I'm Mo's sock monkey. After her 11th Tecate Light kicks in, we'll recreate [italic]My Birth[/italic] right on the kitchen floor. Just a cursory glance at the photo below tells you all you need to know — we're the life of every party!

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by Anonymousreply 452November 24, 2018 12:54 AM

R441: Which ONE is Pat? They all are!

by Anonymousreply 453November 24, 2018 12:55 AM

I'm Peg's emotional support pig.

by Anonymousreply 454November 24, 2018 12:57 AM

How did our lesbian friends spend Black Friday?

by Anonymousreply 455November 24, 2018 2:04 AM

I'm the dishwasher, not properly loaded until the gay guy down the street drops by and fixes things .... again ....

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by Anonymousreply 456November 24, 2018 2:08 AM

I'm Carol. Taking the broken vacuum cleaner apart in the driveway. I'll fix it by golly

by Anonymousreply 457November 24, 2018 2:37 AM

R455, Hopefully, they're still enjoying the poon.

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by Anonymousreply 458November 24, 2018 2:47 AM

I'm the tofu and mung bean casserole. Topped with cheese made from my own breast milk.

by Anonymousreply 459November 24, 2018 3:16 AM

R455, Black Friday? Well, most of our systers boycott so-called "Black Friday" because it pushes materialism and exploits low-wage-earning retail-working womyn. However, the frozen foods sale at the local Whole Foods was hard to pass up. Viv stocked up on some Amy's organic vegetarian meals. Viv can't eat gluten, and it's easier just to buy pre-prepared gluten-free foods. Cooking makes her fibro flare up.

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by Anonymousreply 460November 24, 2018 3:17 AM

I'm Midge, craving a bacon cheeseburger and fries after all this gluten-free, dairy-free vegan shit. I'm hitting the drive-thru on my way home.

by Anonymousreply 461November 24, 2018 3:49 AM

We're Janie and Tonya Rae and we're showin' off our two-steppin' prowess on the deck out back.

by Anonymousreply 462November 24, 2018 4:17 AM

We're Maybelline, Cover Girl, Revlon, L'Oreal, and Estée Lauder. Not one of us was anywhere in sight at the party.

by Anonymousreply 463November 24, 2018 5:00 AM

I'm the frau next door (a Ree Drummond lookalike) who has decided to snoop on those two surly assumed 'sisters' by going over with an extra pie. However, I quickly try to get away once I walk in and suddenly realize (from the '90s Southwestern interior design as much all butch female kennel of two dozen women) that they are, in fact, lesbians.

by Anonymousreply 464November 24, 2018 12:02 PM

I'm the never-fail rule that the more jolly a lesbian's sober, public personality is, the nastier her drunk, private personality is.

by Anonymousreply 465November 24, 2018 12:12 PM

I'm the guacamole that somehow managed to fall on the Marlene Dietrich in tuxedos coffee table book. I lead to a very passive aggressive evening.

by Anonymousreply 466November 24, 2018 12:14 PM

R316 wins.

by Anonymousreply 467November 24, 2018 12:42 PM

I'm the B.O. coming from the Jill Stein voting 'Syster'.

by Anonymousreply 468November 24, 2018 12:43 PM

I'm popping this into the 48-disc CD player.

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by Anonymousreply 469November 24, 2018 12:45 PM

I'm the accusation of self-loathing when someone suggests the bread pudding served for dessert is soggy.

by Anonymousreply 470November 24, 2018 12:51 PM

I'm the dinnertime discussion of their plans for white-flight: "I would love to move to Maine or Vermont or Idaho or Montana. No, race has nothing to do with it. I voted Hillary. I'm a womyn."

by Anonymousreply 471November 24, 2018 12:52 PM

I'm the usual boring unoriginal queen who lives for these lesbian-bashing threads. I love these tired stereotypes but scream like a little bitch if someone dares mock lisping, mincing, limp-wristed fairies who own little poodles and flutter around antique stores that specialize in ugly French furniture.

by Anonymousreply 472November 24, 2018 12:55 PM

F&F R472.

by Anonymousreply 473November 24, 2018 1:07 PM

I'm the bread sauce that no one touches.

by Anonymousreply 474November 24, 2018 1:12 PM

I am Rosie O'Donnell serving Hasselback Potatoes and thinking of Elisabeth Hasselback as I run my knife through them.

by Anonymousreply 475November 24, 2018 1:13 PM

I'm R472 sternly saying "that's not funny" every time someone tries to make a joke.

by Anonymousreply 476November 24, 2018 1:15 PM

I'm the Timberland booted feet that are put up against the side of the table as the dinner draws on and the arguments intensify.

by Anonymousreply 477November 24, 2018 1:18 PM

It's interesting that most gay men can and do joke about gayness. There are plenty of "Let's be Fire Island", "Let's Be a Cher concert", "Let's be Lindsay Graham" threads. And NOBODY objects.

I swear the lesbians have no sense of humor stereotype just keeps out-proving itself.

by Anonymousreply 478November 24, 2018 1:21 PM

But R472 is just a nasty homophobe. Not making jokes like this thread, just being hateful.

by Anonymousreply 479November 24, 2018 1:21 PM

I'm this item, purchased to cater for the many expected guests.

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by Anonymousreply 480November 24, 2018 1:27 PM

I’m the toothpicks.

by Anonymousreply 481November 24, 2018 1:28 PM

[quote]I’m the toothpicks.

What's THAT supposed to mean??

by Anonymousreply 482November 24, 2018 1:39 PM

R468 to R480 are the same hateful dyke.

by Anonymousreply 483November 24, 2018 1:41 PM

I have sufficient.

by Anonymousreply 484November 24, 2018 1:41 PM

I'm the monocle popping out of the right eye of the elder butch in indignation at the thought that womyn have no sense of humour or irony.

by Anonymousreply 485November 24, 2018 1:42 PM

I’m the moment of silence in the evening when we express or heartfelt gratitude to our fore mother who paved the way.

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by Anonymousreply 486November 24, 2018 2:08 PM

OUR heartfelt gratitude to our FOREMOTHERS who paved the way.

by Anonymousreply 487November 24, 2018 2:09 PM

I'm the jar of applesauce they can't get open. My tightness will be blamed on teh patriarchy not taking considerations for women's lesser strength hands.

by Anonymousreply 488November 24, 2018 2:20 PM

I'm Midge, who is TRIGGERED by the suggestion that women are weaker in any way than men.

by Anonymousreply 489November 24, 2018 2:33 PM

I'm wondering how they manage to maintain the cognitive dissonance that women and men are physical equals yet all transwomen are capable of overpowering and crushing them to death or whatever.

I will try to think about it during the silent ride home in my 4x4.

by Anonymousreply 490November 24, 2018 2:37 PM

I’m the tiny diamond studs some of the womyn wear, their one concession to femininity.

by Anonymousreply 491November 24, 2018 3:58 PM

R467 You don't get to close the thread dear. Your opinion isn't that valuable. Trust me.

by Anonymousreply 492November 24, 2018 4:09 PM

I'm the large ring in the septum piercing Viv got last month, her last gasp at being a cute baby dyke, a role she has already outgrown at the age of 29. Kitty the longhaired adopted stray cat has hidden herself away, but months' worth of her hair and dander coats nearly every surface in the house. Viv is having a hell of a time managing her allergies, sneezing, incessant sniffling, and nose blowing with the nose ring.

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by Anonymousreply 493November 24, 2018 4:20 PM

I'm the annoyed/disgusted looks most of the guests are throwing Viv's way as she struggles with the allergic noseblowing and sneezing, despite the fact that her cat allergy is the only actual, valid, medically diagnosed allergy in a whole house full of "allergies," "intolerances," and "sensitivities."

by Anonymousreply 494November 24, 2018 4:25 PM

That depilatory that is seldom used apparently applies to eyebrows as well.

by Anonymousreply 495November 24, 2018 4:26 PM

I'm r494 who claims to suffer from a cat allergy and is triggered by the suggestion it's not all in her head.

by Anonymousreply 496November 24, 2018 4:29 PM

R472 LOL for the win!

by Anonymousreply 497November 24, 2018 4:44 PM

R472 = r497

by Anonymousreply 498November 24, 2018 4:47 PM

R497 is R472.

by Anonymousreply 499November 24, 2018 4:47 PM

R480 I’m the numerous mobility devices that bump and knock me over.

by Anonymousreply 500November 24, 2018 4:48 PM

I am the brand of ready-made stuffing boycotted not because the company is bigoted or mistreats animals, the environment, or workers; but because they had a trans actress in their TV commercial.

by Anonymousreply 501November 24, 2018 4:51 PM

"I am late because of black man wouldn't get out of my way!"

by Anonymousreply 502November 24, 2018 4:52 PM

I’m the ‘Personal Best’ DVD, always fast-forwarded to the scene where you get to see full bush and boobies.

by Anonymousreply 503November 24, 2018 5:07 PM

I'm the Baby Dyke with the gluten allergy who was caught eating the left over bread pudding in the kitchen.

by Anonymousreply 504November 24, 2018 5:45 PM

I'm Tank's Ford Bronco.

by Anonymousreply 505November 24, 2018 5:49 PM

I’m the rotting hemp cord on Meg’s neck. I hold a lapis bead that her ex Kim gave her at Michfest in 1992. Meg wears me just to fuck with Kim’s four other exes who are all are attending the Thanksgiving party too.

by Anonymousreply 506November 24, 2018 5:56 PM

I'm the very fleeting, offhand mention by Ruby that the toddler son of her friend Soph in Saugerties is in the PICU with whooping cough, and may not pull through. She does not mention vaccines. Within 30 seconds, I have provoked a sharp rebuke from Viv that the pertussis vaccine has killed more kids than whooping cough ever did. Within 90 seconds Meg has caught wind of this. Her teenage daughter is autistic, which makes her an expert on vaccines and autism. Within 2 minutes there is rageful shouting. Within 3 minutes Ruby is crying. Within 6 minutes she has grabbed her coat and left.

by Anonymousreply 507November 24, 2018 6:05 PM

[QUOTE] Within 6 minutes she has grabbed her LL Bean fleece anorak and left.

Fixed that for you.

by Anonymousreply 508November 24, 2018 6:30 PM

We're Deb and Fran, perusing the Land's End catalog until the anti-vax argument dies down, if you'll pardon the pun.

by Anonymousreply 509November 24, 2018 6:43 PM

I'm the scuff marks on the new gray, simulated wood grain, kitchen floor. All because Joe-Dee couldn't bother to take off her biker boots.

by Anonymousreply 510November 24, 2018 6:53 PM

I'm Cyn's new girlfriend KJ, having a very dramatic reaction to the toxins being released by the soy candles from R47. This reaction oddly happens just at the moment that Cyn and Midge are having a bonding moment over their mutual Susan Sontag fandom. KJ is 21 and has never read Sontag and finds all that political stuff boring.

by Anonymousreply 511November 24, 2018 8:33 PM

I'm the back support that was just dragged in by Sojourner. For a moment, everything stops as each guest wonders how a thirteen-year-old, three-legged, blind rescue pit bull managed to get into the back of her Outback.

The owner will never be found and the mystery will never be solved.

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by Anonymousreply 512November 24, 2018 9:13 PM

I'm the words: "This gravy is heavenly. Sar, you are a goddess."

by Anonymousreply 513November 24, 2018 9:20 PM

I'm the water served in a mug not a glass.

by Anonymousreply 514November 24, 2018 9:23 PM

I'm:

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by Anonymousreply 515November 24, 2018 9:26 PM

I'm the statement "We chose our own family," is proves awkward when one considers that this large gathering is entirely white.

by Anonymousreply 516November 24, 2018 9:27 PM

I'm the heavy fleece that is worn throughout dinner.

by Anonymousreply 517November 24, 2018 9:28 PM

I’m the short no-nonsense haircuts favored by 90% of the womyn.

by Anonymousreply 518November 24, 2018 9:30 PM

I'm the slow-draining bathroom sink, clogged by hair from many self-buzz-cuts with the Oster trimmer.

by Anonymousreply 519November 24, 2018 9:32 PM

I'm that time of the evening when the girls are settling into abbiocco (before the drunken violence that will come later) and the conversation moves onto their dream women... Kate Jackson and Teri Hatcher being among the most popular.

by Anonymousreply 520November 24, 2018 9:33 PM

I'm the heavy sighing by the butch partner of the hosting couple. No one knows what caused me -- was it the overcooked potatoes? -- but everyone knows I will ruin the evening.

by Anonymousreply 521November 24, 2018 9:34 PM

Only a lesbian can sigh and be heard in the next room.

by Anonymousreply 522November 24, 2018 9:35 PM

I'm Bev's brief obligatory Thanksgiving phone call with her mother in Cincinnati. She walks into the other room but overheard snippets suggest she STILL hasn't come out to her mother. Disapproving, knowing looks are exchanged around the table. She returns to awkward silence, eventually broken by Nan's, "Okay, who needs another Miller?"

by Anonymousreply 523November 24, 2018 9:36 PM

R472 your self loathing is shining bright for all to see hon. Tone it down.

by Anonymousreply 524November 24, 2018 9:39 PM

I'm the ex-husband and son having dinner in a crummy apartment across town, while our eponymous lesbian and their daughter/sister have dinner back in the comfortably affluent suburban house with Car, Sharon's new girlfriend after "finding herself after forty and deciding to live life for ME".

by Anonymousreply 525November 24, 2018 9:39 PM

I am the guests spying the Val McDermid novels on unit in the living room. I am to the BritLez what Patricia Cornwell is to American lesbians.

by Anonymousreply 526November 24, 2018 9:42 PM

I am the granola the BritLez has someone managed to work into the dessert.

by Anonymousreply 527November 24, 2018 9:43 PM

I'm the casually blurted out ,"Yeah, I've thought of Hillary when I've got my vibrator." I could go either way.

by Anonymousreply 528November 24, 2018 9:45 PM

I'm the "Log Cabin" motif in the master bedroom.

by Anonymousreply 529November 24, 2018 9:46 PM

I'm the guests ability to hear from the dining table that the butch half of hosting couple did not wash her hands after using the bathroom.

by Anonymousreply 530November 24, 2018 9:47 PM

I'm the seltzer water.

by Anonymousreply 531November 24, 2018 9:48 PM

I'm the dining room that, though hopelessly unstylish, will never have to worry about moths.

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by Anonymousreply 532November 24, 2018 9:49 PM

I'm the discussion of the second home by the lake. I will lead to jealousy.

by Anonymousreply 533November 24, 2018 9:51 PM

I'm the local independent and syster-run bakery that these desserts were picked up at.

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by Anonymousreply 534November 24, 2018 9:52 PM

I am this oversized statuette on the sideboard and NO, IT CAN NOT BE MOVED TO MAKE WAY FOR DIP.

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by Anonymousreply 535November 24, 2018 9:57 PM

I’m the semi finished Basementschwitz where Bev will send her 8 year old son to play when her ex-husband inadvertently returns him home earlier than expected. Four hours later Meg and Kim suggest maybe Bev go check on him.

by Anonymousreply 536November 24, 2018 11:20 PM

I'm the board games that Joo-Dee brought. Everybody loves a good game of Scrabble.

by Anonymousreply 537November 24, 2018 11:42 PM

I'm the guitar that Bree brought with her. She brings it out and starts to sing some folk songs. Torrey takes out her zither and Amee interrupts and asks if anyone would like another coffee and a piece of pie. Everyone says yes.

by Anonymousreply 538November 25, 2018 12:01 AM

I'm "Constant Craving." Everyone knows the words and jumps in when Bree starts to play it. Fortunately, everyone is too drunk to realize how horrible they sound.

by Anonymousreply 539November 25, 2018 12:22 AM

I'm the dog next door that starts howling when the cacaphony of "Constant Craving" begins to pierce the otherwise calm night. Later, I will jump the fence and savagely eat a squirrel.

by Anonymousreply 540November 25, 2018 12:25 AM

I'm the mullets and armpit hair.

by Anonymousreply 541November 25, 2018 12:40 AM

Deb’s denim vest with the floral lining here. I get brought out on special occasions such as this. I go with all the slacks. Deb just noticed the nutloaf stain but knows it’ll come out in the wash. We’ve got baby Linda’s christening next weekend. Then the office Christmas party that will see me decorated with a Santa broach for a bit of fun. I’d like to be teamed with a reindeer tie but Deb will likely just decorate her clipboard and leave it at that.

by Anonymousreply 542November 25, 2018 2:15 AM

I’m the screams of righteous anger induced by fermented yeast. No not bread yeast.

by Anonymousreply 543November 25, 2018 2:21 AM

I’m the lesbian Thanksgiving clickbait. The butch partner of this hosting couple’s stated boundaries were crossed one time too many. You won’t BELIEVE what happens next!!

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by Anonymousreply 544November 25, 2018 3:19 AM

I'm the lack of interest in the Black Friday sale at Victoria's Secret.

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by Anonymousreply 545November 25, 2018 3:30 AM

^ Not sure they carry the relevant sizes R545

by Anonymousreply 546November 25, 2018 4:52 AM

I'm Ace, a total tech nerd and gamer. I can't wait to get home, pop a beer, turn on the tube, and watch the games. I'll be rootin' for the Cowboys and the Saints.

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by Anonymousreply 547November 25, 2018 6:50 AM

[bold]CONTENT WARNING: PHOTOGRAPHIC DEPICTION OF PUFF PASTRY CONTAINING GLUTEN; CONFRONTATIONAL LANGUAGE; BULLYING; HYPOTHETICAL DESERT-ISLAND STRANDING; VIOLENCE AGAINST CARROTS; PHOTOGRAPHIC DEPICTION OF AN EXPLICITLY PH*LLIC GOURD[/bold]

I'm the gourd-headed, pastry-wrapped nut roast that Liv spent hours on, hoping it would add a much-needed touch of whimsy the dour affair. It was going well until Midge, Shawna, and Butch Hosting Partner teamed up to recite their greatest hits:

Midge: But bacon.

BHP: Hey Liv, I'm a member of PETA. People Eating Tasty Animals!

Shawna: If Goddess didn't want us to eat turkeys, why did she make them out of meat?

Midge: Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobb....ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH! Bacon.

BHP: Liv, if you were trapped on a desert island with a cow, a chicken, an elderly nun, and a turkey....

Shawna: Did you know that carrots scream when you pull them out of the ground?

BHP: It's true. I read on Reddit that carrots' central nervous systems are more advanced than pigs'.

Midge: Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon.

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by Anonymousreply 548November 25, 2018 7:58 AM

I am the XXL ‘Don’t Grab My Pussy’ t-shirt, worn since it’s a special occasion and the wearer knows its sentiment is bound to go down well.

Disregard the fact that the wearer hasn’t been able to see her pussy in years.

by Anonymousreply 549November 25, 2018 9:28 AM

I am the cop who breaks up thr brawl among the child-bearing aged lesbians, fighting over who gets to take home the turkey baster.

by Anonymousreply 550November 25, 2018 10:04 AM

I’m Rache, got stuck at work and just got here. Did I miss anything?

by Anonymousreply 551November 25, 2018 10:10 AM

I am a brand-new copy of Michele Obama's new autobiography. I'm left on the side table where all can see me. "Oh, yeah," says Nan disingenuously, as if surprised anyone noticed me, "That was a gift from Krys." Several times during the evening, someone picks me up and remarks on me -- always the same comments, about how beautiful, how intelligent, how inspirational my author is. How we need more people like her in the world. One person turns me over to read the back cover blurb, then opens me and flips to the photos, then puts me down. I will be handled once more a week later, to be put onto the shelf, and never touched again.

by Anonymousreply 552November 25, 2018 4:44 PM

I'm the vague plans the systers make for a European vacation next year, including of course a pilgrimage to the island of Lesbos.

by Anonymousreply 553November 25, 2018 6:12 PM

I’m the Isle of Lesbos. I’m sick of these lesbian tourists coming to visit me, there’s NOTHING to see here. Forget your schoolgirl visions of Sappho’s sacred cove.

by Anonymousreply 554November 25, 2018 7:06 PM

I'm the child that was recently taken by CPS. This incident and everyone's knowledge of it should mar the evening, but it is quickly dismissed by all present by attributing it to 'hatred of gay women'.

by Anonymousreply 555November 25, 2018 7:10 PM

I am Kar's mother. I will be visited early in the day and will roll my eyes at and later feel queasy during dinner when I think of the vagina-shaped meatloaf with ketchup Kar said she will have as the centerpiece of her dinner.

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by Anonymousreply 556November 25, 2018 7:13 PM

I am Lis, the gender-studies professor. I will be bringing a student half my age as date. I am blithely unaware that she is only dating me for the grades. She will soon marry a man. She will this evening be wearing a choker.

by Anonymousreply 557November 25, 2018 7:17 PM

I am the purse that was bought at a stall in a market in Dusseldorf. I am worn around the neck at all times and I will get doused in cranberry sauce throughout dinner as Min eats leaning forward.

by Anonymousreply 558November 25, 2018 7:19 PM

I'm the food poisoning contracted by several guests as our hostHer does not wash her hands because hygiene is an unnatural patriarchal concept used to control women and force them to buy soap.

by Anonymousreply 559November 25, 2018 7:21 PM

I am the crispy fire started outside. I provide an excuse to see just how many bodies one of these oversized blankets can cover.

by Anonymousreply 560November 25, 2018 7:23 PM

I'm the vegan burritos Molly and Denise brought to tide them over before the big meal.

by Anonymousreply 561November 25, 2018 7:28 PM

I'm Audrey's mobility scooter that she has to park near the storage shed because it's too wide to fit through Eileen and Paula's entryway.

by Anonymousreply 562November 25, 2018 7:29 PM

Have mobility scooters replaced canes for lesbians?

by Anonymousreply 563November 25, 2018 7:30 PM

R563 No, but in cases where the mobility scooter can't have full access, the canes come out.

by Anonymousreply 564November 25, 2018 7:33 PM

I'm the case of Hillary's opus "What Happened?" You'll all be getting a copy this Christmas. These are the special ones. The come from the lot she was selling at her Costco visit.

by Anonymousreply 565November 25, 2018 7:36 PM

I'm Ronnie, the single opinionated attorney who nobody really likes, but who gets invited every year because she and Lil have been friends forever, and everybody likes no-nonsense Lil and her homemade earrings.

by Anonymousreply 566November 25, 2018 7:41 PM

I’m “All Of Me”, Anne Murray’s biography, sadly co-written by a man, patriarchy be damned. I’ve been sitting on the shelf since 2009, and will soon be joined by Michelle, and later Hillary.

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by Anonymousreply 567November 25, 2018 7:51 PM

We're the invitations that were declined when it was learned there would be no DART tent in the yard.

by Anonymousreply 568November 25, 2018 7:51 PM

Can someone please start a Lesbian Bookshelf thread.

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by Anonymousreply 569November 25, 2018 7:52 PM

Meh, go to Amazon and search for "Lesbian interest"

by Anonymousreply 570November 25, 2018 7:56 PM

I'm the jar of Ipecac syrup in the medicine cabinet.

by Anonymousreply 571November 25, 2018 8:06 PM

I'm the soft-butch sous chef. I prepared the mirepoix for the nutloaf.

by Anonymousreply 572November 25, 2018 8:08 PM

I'm Joe-Dee getting stuck in a tree while trying to rescue a cat three days after Thanksgiving.

by Anonymousreply 573November 25, 2018 8:09 PM

I'm the word 'vegmix' our syster uses to refer to the mirepoix.

by Anonymousreply 574November 25, 2018 8:11 PM

I'm the menstrual cup left in the guest bathroom.

by Anonymousreply 575November 25, 2018 8:12 PM

I'm the kitchen cabinet. When KJ asks for some herbal tea to settle her sick stomach from the toxins in the soy candles, Nan directs her to me to find the ancient box of Celestial Seasonings Red Zinger. I am Home Depot oak with thin oak-colored vinyl veneer, circa 1983. I am greasy and dirty and leave smudges on any finger that touches me. I contain obvious mouse droppings (and hidden ones). Nobody seems to notice.

by Anonymousreply 576November 25, 2018 8:18 PM

I'm the pictures Cynthia brought with her to share after her three months on the kibbutz in Israel.

by Anonymousreply 577November 25, 2018 8:34 PM

I'm the just released Blu-Ray of "Personal Best" that we're all going to watch after dinner.

by Anonymousreply 578November 25, 2018 8:37 PM

I'm the very bitter and very fragile Corinne, still reeling after my life partner of 2 1/2 years, Julia, went back to her ex-husband. I'll be hitting the Jack and Coke pretty hard starting in the early afternoon and railing about toppling the patriarchy by 6:00.

by Anonymousreply 579November 25, 2018 8:41 PM

I’m the contents of the top shelf of the refrigerator door...

A jar of what used to be barley miso but is now just a few millimeters of dried crust stuck to the glass.

Two dozen moldy tea bags in a sealed Ziplock bag, because the butch hosting partner flies into a rage when her better half throws out a tea bag after only one use. It’s easier to just go through the motions and pretend to save them for next time.

BHP’s eleven bottles of hot sauce with names like “White-Hot Flamin’ Pussy Juice” and “Nuclear Clit Meltdown Sauce.”

A plastic “The Big One” mug (Dunkin Donuts, c. 1987) filled with standing half-squeezed tubes of various anti-fungal creams.

by Anonymousreply 580November 25, 2018 8:48 PM

[quote]Two dozen moldy tea bags in a sealed Ziplock bag, because the butch hosting partner flies into a rage when her better half throws out a tea bag after only one use. It’s easier to just go through the motions and pretend to save them for next time.

Yes! This thread hasn't featured nearly enough lesbian penny-pinching.

by Anonymousreply 581November 25, 2018 8:50 PM

I'm Trish, who will NOT be attending this year's dinner, because I have yet to get a "thank you" from Carla for coming over and hanging her macramé wall tapestry last month.

by Anonymousreply 582November 25, 2018 8:52 PM

I'm Mobility Mary, can you please please move your trucks? It's illegal to block the sidewalks with your vehicles.

by Anonymousreply 583November 25, 2018 8:53 PM

This thread makes me want to go back on another Olivia vacation. Thanks for the laughs.

by Anonymousreply 584November 25, 2018 8:54 PM

I am Simply Sara! unable to believe and very thankful that I managed to land a husband so I didn't have to settle for eating Mitch's pussy.

by Anonymousreply 585November 25, 2018 8:57 PM

I’m the group text that Kar sends out during dinner...

ATTENTION!

I’m calling an emergency egalitarian discourse to dialogue solutions to R581’s unwarranted use of violent language and imagery.

Sistyrs, the penny is the most marginalized of coins with some in the patriarchy going as far as proposing genocide to eradicate it. They seek to snuff out its very life! It can’t be stated strongly enough that the penny is the ONLY coin to bear a womyn’s name. Coincidence?

I demand reparative justice! No pies, hair or otherwise, will be served until R581’s problematic behavior has been subject to formal group review and action.

All plates will be removed from the table in precisely ten minutes to facilitate The Blessing of the Talking Stick. Eat accordingly.

by Anonymousreply 586November 25, 2018 9:21 PM

I'm the glances around the room when Trace turns on the TV and it's set to Fox News.

by Anonymousreply 587November 25, 2018 9:26 PM

I'm hoping the last post in this thread is by a lesbian saying 'that's not funny'.

by Anonymousreply 588November 25, 2018 9:27 PM

Kar could never send out a text that short.

by Anonymousreply 589November 25, 2018 9:36 PM

I am an ancient Co-Op shift schedule and a slightly less ancient CSA pick-up schedule held on the fridge door by an assortment of magnets -- a giveaway shaped like a van, from the plumber; a raw magnet disk salvaged from a broken clip magnet; and a freebie from a savings bank in Brattleboro, VT.

The Co-Op membership was dropped 8 years ago over a dispute over hummus (because stocking hummus from an Israeli company is supporting genocide) and the CSA membership was dropped 3 years ago over an excess of rutabaga, celeriac, and turnips, none of which anyone has any idea how to cook.

by Anonymousreply 590November 25, 2018 9:39 PM

I am Nan, defensively roaring, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT! TURN THAT OFF!" when she catches a glimpse of Fox. She claims she must left it on after the Hillary interview a week ago.

by Anonymousreply 591November 25, 2018 9:45 PM

I'm the twin babies Tempest and Rayne

by Anonymousreply 592November 25, 2018 9:53 PM

I'm a fun discussion between Bev and Meg about Thelma and Louise. Viv chimes in to single out Susan Sarandon's excellent performance. KJ overhears and sticks her oar in, dripping with contempt: "Too bad she's not as good at picking Presidential candidates as she is at ACTING." Kim unwisely responds, "What's THAT supposed to mean? Jill Stein was the only candidate with a real record of supporting LGBT issues." An all-out brawl ensues, resulting in Bev being knocked to the floor and kicked once, ineffectually, before Kat and Barb manage to pull a very drunk Ronnie off her.

by Anonymousreply 593November 25, 2018 10:01 PM

I am the post-dinner process meeting. I am here to cover anything that didn't get covered during the pre-dinner process meeting, as well as to process anything that came up in the interim. I will appear again before the guests leave, only under disguise as a "final check-in".

by Anonymousreply 594November 25, 2018 10:02 PM

I'm the drunken confusion near the front door as several departing systers try to sort their canes out from the other, near-identical canes in the dim light. "I know mine had a scratch right near the front of the handle," Cyn slurs.

by Anonymousreply 595November 25, 2018 10:09 PM

Before this thread closes, I genuinely want to thank the OP for starting it. This will go down as one of the best of the "Let's be a..." threads in DL history. Sorry, herstory...whatever, you get it. Well done everyone!

by Anonymousreply 596November 25, 2018 10:22 PM

Thank you, OP.

You're all invited to my Winter Solstice party.

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by Anonymousreply 597November 25, 2018 10:34 PM

I assume we will be having a triple Goddess ritual for Maiden, Mother, and Crone? I call Crone!

by Anonymousreply 598November 25, 2018 10:38 PM

R598 You were the Crone last year, the year before that and the year before THAT, shouldn't you be dead yet?

by Anonymousreply 599November 25, 2018 10:43 PM

I speak for all systers when I say this hurtful, hateful thread is nothing but a pile of sexist, ageist, misogynist, gynophobic, transphobic, looksist, sizeist ableist claptrap from a gaggle of resentful, pathetic f*ggots seething with jealousy over our solidarity, systerhood, and sexiness. Joking about canes and Jill Stein? THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

by Anonymousreply 600November 25, 2018 10:43 PM

That wasn't funny.

by Anonymousreply 601November 25, 2018 10:43 PM
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