Taking Spouse's Last Name

If my name were Larry Lipshitz, I'd consider it.

M.F.

I wouldn't but I would be honored if he wanted to take mine.

Ask Chasten

I’m not particularly fond of my last name, so…maybe, depending on his last name. If it’s worse, no. If it’s a nice one, then changing it is definitely a consideration. Or we could make up a new one. Regardless, I think if I changed it, it’d only be legally/personally. My professional “known as” name wouldn’t change.

Unmanly. Only an old fashioned bride takes her husband’s name.

My father was an asshole and I would love to jettison his name.

Switch last names. Equal, fair, and meaningful. Or add the spouses name as your middle name. Hyphenating doesn't usually work well, but that's another option.

If I see a hyphenated last name on a man, I flip a coin over whether he's a married gay guy or had a Women's Libber mother in the 1970s.

Either way, it's stupid. One surname is more than enough.

I wouldn't recommend repeating your last statement to any Spaniard.

Do what you feel. Fuck (not literally) everyone else.

I wouldn't purely because can you imagine what a pain it is to change everything your name is on. Bills, passport, bank accounts, etc.

Glory be why? We’ve been together for ever but I’m still me.

It's a choice.

My Spanish husband (2 first names, 2 last names, no middle name) only half-jokingly proposed it when we lived in the U.S. His name (or rather parts of it) landed in no-fly list security delays every time we flew. A residency card, Global Entry card, and promises that a notation had been added to his name so that he could fly without problems...nothing helped.

Our double-barrelled last name would have had the heft of a bronze-plaqued research institute of mysterious purpose. But moving solved the travel problem.

Aside from the paperwork nuisance, I'm not bothered by the prospect of changing surnames. The Buttigieg route, though, seems a little old-fashioned, taking the more important man's name as yours. Double surnames are easier to remember, but also afford little anonymity, less chance of someone searching you and finding "there are 782 people with that name combination in your country."

On the one hand it seems odd that people still do it; on the other hand, why not?

I'm a bottom and I wouldn't do that. I think it's weird women do it.

I wouldn’t and he wouldn’t take mine.

Bottom takes the tops name. It's the gay law.

It's not even that women do it, R16. Not all women do. That is the custom in the United States. It's the custom in some other countries, but not at all the custom or practice in other countries.

In Spain, for example, wives do not take their husband's name. Children get two last names, one from the father and one from the mother, both the names that came to those parents from their fathers. It's easier than it sounds. In any event, women in Spain keep their own names when they marry.

We laughed when the marriage license clerk asked us.

I think taking someone’s last name is a stupid tradition. And it requires you to spend double changing everything back after the divorce.

We didn't want to hyphenate our kid's last name, so I picked her first name and she has his last name. So when we were legally married, I changed my last name to my husband's. It was more for her than for him. I hated that my mom had a different last name from me growing up.

God no. That is such an outdated "tradition." I'm married for the love, not the attention of others.

It's a symbolic act of establishing a single family. It's also freighted with lots of baggage from the tradition of women being treated as chattel. You're HIS now, so take HIS name.

It's emasculating, OP. But not as much as men who do the hyphenated last name thing when they marry a woman. Talk about pussy whipped.

Only if his last name is super famous, otherwise I won't bother.

R19: One consequence in Spain is that if you ask a mutual friend what Diego's last names are, you get the face that says "no tengo ni puta idea." Even though they have been close friends for years.

Unless the person is of Diego's family (and even then...) or Diego uses his last name/s frequently, for professional purposes usually, even close friends will come up short on the last names.

I suppose there would be a certain thrill in letting the whole world know I was bottoming for the man I love.

R28 That is exactly why I would do it.

We were going to hyphenate but "Lipschitz-Hogbottom" seemed a little off, so we both just switched to "St. Laurent."

I'm a lesbian and was surprised by how many heterosexual friends and relatives expected me to take my wife's surname. She is viewed as the dominant partner due to a prestigious job and significantly higher earnings. There was no expectation she'd take mine since her professional reputation was already established under her own name (as if mine wasn't).

R31 how many flannel shirts does she own?

Her closet's full of dresses and heels these days, R32, but photos from undergrad show not just flannel but the obligatory Birkenstocks.

R22's point is one I considered pre-wedding. If we adopt I might relent and change my name for simplicity's sake. We know too many hyphenated families with names that sound like law firms.

The problem with hyphenated names is that the child will probably change their name when they get married or they will have to choose one of their hyphenated names to drop for their child. Each generation can’t just keep adding a new hyphenated last name on to the existing one. For example say your last name is Jolie-Pitt and you marry a Smith. You can’t give the kid the last name Jolie-Pitt-Smith. Then if they had a child with a Jones it would be Jolie-Pitt-Smith-Jones, etc… after a few generations it would be ridiculous. Someone’s name is going to end up getting dropped and causing hurt feelings. A naming tradition in the South, among straight people, is to use the mother’s maiden name as the child’s middle name. I am attracted to my last name and I’m an only child, any child I have will have my last name, it is non-negotiable. My partner can hyphenate their last name if they want to, but I’m not changing mine and the child will have my name. The partner’s last name can be the middle name unless it is horrible.

You talk as if women had any say in the matter, R16. For thousands of years they didn't..

It's weird that women do it today.

My bf has a nice last name, and I wouldn’t mind taking it over the Germanic last name I was born with. I’m 90% French with a German last name, wtf?

Nothing wrong with doing it, nothing wrong with not doing it.

Aesthetics would be a big part of it for me, too, R37. If the outcome of double-barrelling two surnames were Lipschitz-Chupultepec, then, no. But if you got a Palermo-Grizzuti...fantastic.

Besides the personal politics of the decision, there's how it looks and sounds.

And if I started life with Ralph Lauren's birth surname I wouldn't be opposed to "marrying up" to a better sounding name and dropping my surname, or hiding it as an unused middle name. Otherwise I would never drop my surname, though maybe I would pair it up with my husband's.

Why would I take your husband's last name, OP?

I knew one couple that combined their last names into a new portmanteau, ie. Robert Michaels and Eliot Olson are now Robert and Eliot Michaelson.

I was asked this when I got married. The woman was practically begging me to say I would be taking my husband’s name, and was crushed when I told her I would not. She looked at me as though there was something wrong with me. I will never understand straight women’s assumptions about gay men.

[Quote] Only if his last name is super famous,

You're a whore, darling.

It’s such a weird concept. One of many things I hate about marriage. But I guess kids need one last name. Never considered marriage or kids so not my problem.

Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent named their kids Poppy Brent-Berkus and Oskar Michael Brent-Berkus. Why didn't they choose Berkus-Brent, it's alphabetical?

The far bigger crime there, R45, is naming a child Poppy.

"Hi, I'm Poppy. Yes. I know. My two gay dad's wanted Mr to have the name of something cute and helpless, a pretty, rather stupid girl. But at least they're rich."

R42 Because women assume gay men are like them.

I wouldn’t take no other dudes last name fuck no.

A gay man taking their spouse’s last name is hetero poison.

OP you see why all these cunts are 70 and have never had a relationship last longer than six months.

Too fucking gay (I mean QUEER!) for my taste. I think it's dopey and eye rolling.

Never thought I’d see so many “Queer Nationals” at the DL. Lol…”Gay Separatism at The DataLounge.” Now there is a thread. Taking your partner’s name is just too heteronormative, eh? Oh my.

There's this society lady and historical preservationist who used to have her name in the columns all the time years ago.

She has one of the most unwieldy mouthfull of a name I've ever seen, it has always stuck in my head as "too much name"!

"Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel"!

I took my husband’s last name so that we (2 daughters as well) would all have the same surname. 25 years strong btw. One of the joys of being gay is that we get to make our own rules and create our own traditions. There are no precedents for us, do what works best for your families.

I'll be marrying Carl Nassib and taking his name. I want to be subsumed by him.

Only if my partner's name were Vanderbilt or Rockefeller.

Bump

I have my exes last name. And I kept it after the divorce--it is a pretty fancy name compared to my lame maiden name..I know it pisses him off. Whenever he sends me mail he always puts my maiden name and when I send him mail I use HIS last name..We have only discussed it once in years. His attitude is "why keep my last name" and my attitude is "because I want to".. That was one loophole he and his idiot fancy lawyers overlooked in the divorce....

I’m getting married on January 11 and I’m keeping my name, sir!

Does he send your alimony checks to you in care of your maiden name or married name, R56?

R56 you go gurl!

Thomas taking his husband's surname makes it clear to all which is the house builder and which the home-maker.

R58 and R59 = He had some high priced lawyers too. I would have loved to have seen the fit he threw when he asked his lawyers how me keeping his last name was overlooked---trust me---my ex is that guy.... MY lawyer was smart enough to tell me they were going to probably require me to name change as part of any settlement--and honestly I would have agreed to it... But they stupidly never did. He is kind of a celebrity where we live and it is not a common name. I know it pisses him off and I love it. When I get mail only one person sends me anything with my maiden name and it is him. Even my drivers license has his name on it...LoL

R61 so deliciously petty, and perfect because it doesn’t actually hurt anyone but you know it really annoys him. He must have really pissed you off.

I don’t understand keeping someone else’s last name after an acrimonious divorce.

only a self-lubricating, MARY bottom would take another man's last name. And then she should die in a grease fire.

Nothing wrong with a bottom knowing his role r64.

R61 here.....I took my exes last name and for me I was in love and the whole idea of it seemed romantic. But I am more mature and wiser now and I honestly do not think I would ever do it again. Also you have to change everything including big stuff like Social Security Cards, etc...

Nothing makes me lose respect for a gay man quicker than him taking his husbands last name.

R67 = Oh God!!!....I lost respect from a complete stranger!!.....Oh Lordy Oh Lordy!!!...NO!!....And even worse, a DL STRANGER!!!....

[quote]I knew one couple that combined their last names into a new portmanteau, ie. Robert Michaels and Eliot Olson are now Robert and Eliot Michaelson.

Former LA mayor (and failed gubernatorial candidate) Antonio Villaraigosa did this too, He was Villar, his wife was Raigosa.

All the Latina fraus in town saw it as a sign of his lifelong devotion to her...until he got caught fucking the local TV reporter, then they turned on him with the white hot fury of a million suns.

I like you R33. Your wife is a lucky woman.

R33, R70 ????????? heterosexuals??????

R46, at the Pre-K attended by Poppy Brent-Berkus, there was another Poppy, Jenna Bush's daughter.

I address cards and invitations to my female divorcee cousins using the first name, maiden name, married name format. When I was 11 years old I read in a book of etiquette that this is the socially correct usage.

I didn’t take my husband’s name. I have one of my own. Women in particular seem to be perturbed by this.

Bump

Hyphenate. And do a Jolie-Pitt kind of thing. You can always drop it if things don't work out.

I know a couple that combined both their suranmes, into one surname (ex - Smithjones)

and legally changed their surname into that combines new surname

Chasten did it because Pete's last name was more interesting, but also because he still kinda-sorta hates his bigoted family and doesn't want their name anymore.

Chasten said that they’d always planned to have children and he wanted to have the same last name as them. The kids are now here and they are Buttigieg. I don’t know if your remember but out of the sudden, he put ‘Glezman Buttigieg’ as his name in social media for a few months but dropped it as soon as the twins were born. I think he’s doing it more for the kids, that last name can open doors for them in the future.

I'm kind of a tradwife so maybe? But only socially, not professionally or legally.

Yes!

It's so tacky that not even straight women do it anymore. What's next, gay hope chests?

i can't wait to take another man's name -- so i can enjoy an entire new identity with a shit-load of privacy.

i envy women who get an entirely new identity to exploit and/or leave behind their old tarnished name.

Nope. I have diplomas, stationary, business cards, email addresses, etc. with my name. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

Still have a problem with "my husband." When I hear it, automatically think the guy who makes the statement is bottom.

I think spouses should take the same last name, whether it first belonged to one or the other, they mashed the two together somehow, or chose another surname entirely. It helps avoid so many problems in the long run, such as when dealing with customer service, utility companies, doctors, veterinarians, schools, etc. I don't suggest hyphenating/double barreling because that is also a problem for other people to deal as they're not always sure that both names are your surname and whether or not there actually is a hyphen used.

I see no need for either party to take a new name unless their own has bad associations or they just don't like it for whatever reason.

I do not want to change my name to Zbornak. I’m not Dorothy.

I would consider mashing up our names (which is weird as I would find that kind of tacky if others did it) but both names have the same last syllable, so it mightn't work.

Gawd, R83, what do you run around DOING?

I’d do it, if paid more for each year I used it.

Bump

R73 - my grandmother, the former Miss Smith who married my grandfather Jones, went by Mrs. Smith Jones as per etiquette.

Only if we both do

I think it's OK to take your husband's name if you hate your own name or the parents who gave it to you.

Chasten Buttigieg @ R95