To those still unpartnered after 40: is life lonely for you?

The grass is always greener on the other side. Being lonely sucks but so does a toxic relationship situation. There is a reason so many marriages end in divorce

It was lonely but I think that was out of frustration. As I passed into my fifties I gradually let go of aspirations of partnering or being loved and I became content and resigned to it and so now I don't feel lonely. I feel calm and, I don't know - serene? It would have been nice if life had been different and I admit I do worry about who will help me when I get particularly feeble - it may be a fistful of sleeping pills - but I don't yearn now for a different life. I accept things how they've turned out and am making the best of what's left on my own terms.

I would say this. I was born in the sixties. I went to school when it was fun to call people fags and came of age as a man and sexually just as AIDS was emerging. Gay people had no dignity and no respect as I grew up except what they granted themselves, which under that burden often wasn't much. My one enduring regret: (stealing here): I was born too soon and started too late.

It’s lonely but pornhub helps. Being ugly your whole life sucks. Just try to not think about it. Keep yourself occupied.

Being lonely sucks.

But being lonely and poor, sucks twice as much.

I've felt lonelier in a relationship than I've ever felt on my own.

I'm 51 and single. I don't intend for that to change. I don't get lonely. I have many interests, and I am comfortable with my own company.

R1 is totally right. Been in one too many difficult or toxic relationships. I’ve never felt unconditionally loved in a relationship; I’m wondering if that even exists. Everything has been always conditional and transactional. Last relationship was with an emotionally avoidant type, and the one before that with was someone who clearly had Narcissistic personality disorder. Messed me up good. No wonder I find I’m actually happiest on my own.

R5 is an incredibly dumb cliché that gets repeated by singletons that can’t find a significant other. It has little bearing in reality for the majority of the population. Sad.

I feel sorry for r8's SO

R8, The majority of the population are idiots, a great number of whom feel like a failure if they aren't in a relationship every moment of their lives. The majority of the population can't even spend the slightest amount of time with only themselves for company without freaking out.

Single people aren't sad. Desperate serial monogamists, always hopping into the first available relationship because they cannot stand to be on their own are the ones who are sad.

I rarely feel lonely. I think it has a lot to do with being an only child. I was always able to entertain myself. Ever since my mother died, I do feel like I don't have anyone to share good news with and that bothers me a little bit, but I don't need a boyfriend. You can rent a cock in most major cities and then send them home afterwards.

I’ve got friends and two cats. Yes, I feel like Mona Ramsey, but Im doing pretty good

Invest in your friendships OP.

I’m single after 40 and find that my friends really help with the loneliness.

I am open to meeting someone but I don’t want to be in a bad relationship. Grew up seeing my parents trapped in a terrible marriage and never wanted that for myself.

There is no guarantee that a partner won’t die before you or help when you are sick. Create a community of friends and stay open to the possibility of love.

And people in relationships are lonely too. Despite what r8 may want us “singletons” to believe....

Even if you somewhat desire a relationship it doesn't mean it would suit you. Going through life coupled isn't natural for some of us.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I have R8 on block. LOL. If she's not single, talk about pity the partner...

You don't need a partner to be happy. You can still be lonely even with one.

I will be 51 this month and have been single now awhile. The last dates I have gone on a few dates were all just awful. One guy texted the entire time then was surprised when I didn't want to fuck at the end of the date. He had the nerve to text me the next day I fucked with his self-esteem. Another guy walked out half way through after declaring he still loved his ex. A few weeks later he apologized and asked if I wanted to hook-up. I finally just gave up on dating. Don't miss it and I really feel like I am too old to mess about with learning a new person's idiosyncrasies. It seems like guys my age are only interested in guys in their 20s, and the rest are damaged goods (me included).

I thought avoiding this relationship BS was one of the advantages of being gay???

🤔 Why is the "Stalker Blocker" literally invading every thread on DataLounge?

I don't know what HIS relationship status is, but he is certainly one miserable, unhappy little bitch.

R17 yes. this. I feel like damaged goods too. And worry I would attract damaged goods....

I've been reading a lot about attachment theory and supposedly secure attachment people find each other and couple off and leave the rest of us anxious and avoidant types to pair off and torture each other. Perhaps that's bullshit but it's resonated a lot the more I read about it. And explains why I've had trouble ever maintaining a relationship.

All that being said - I wouldn't call myself lonely.

Unless your life circumstances have prevented you from dating and trying out LTRs, by the time you're 40+ you probably have a good idea of how you want to live your life and whether or not having a life partner is really essential to that. When I was younger and single I was always frantic to find somebody, which seems incredible to me now. I can't imagine having to run everything I did past a partner, from what I was going to have for dinner to where I was going to live.

I’ve spent so much of my life trying not to be found out that I’m gay, it’s so hard to switch to being openly gay, although I have been for a decade at this point.

I still can’t just stare at a good looking guy. I just glance over and quickly look away.

As you can guess, this doesn’t lead to long term relationships

I gave up on relationships a long time ago because I am much happier being single (yes, we do exist).

Relationships are too emotionally exhausting for me.

I just want to die.

That would solve all my problems.

I pray for death every day, but it never comes.

I can't even get THAT right.

62 year old. I have lots of friends, my health and a very interesting life. But, I fear being lonely when I'm really old. I have my health and plenty of money.

Sometimes I feel like Ms. Diana Ross in Mahogany. Being successful is not as good without someone with which to share it. I am amazed how little one has to pay these days for really extraordinary tail. And some of you youngsters will do it for free. How stupid.

[quote] Just try to not think about it. Keep yourself occupied.

Agree. For me, it helps to separate these two thoughts / feelings:

1. The way I actually feel about being unpartnered. I'm actually OK with it.

2. The way I think people look at me (as lesser in social status) because I am unpartnered.

# 1 should be your concern, IMO. If you're OK being unpartnered, then don't make yourself miserable worrying about what others think.

The one thing I don't like is I know I don't get invited to a lot of dinner parties because I throw off the numbers. Couples only....

r26 is right on.

There are definitely times when I wish I had a partner to share certain activities and life events, but I never wanted to settle for the kind of man who would have me. I am set in my ways, introverted, and I value my independence more than anything. If I tried to start a relationship at this point I would most assuredly sabotage it somehow.

Ouiser, there's an Owen Jenkins for you. I'm sure.

r29 how old are you?

Yes. No partner, no one romantic to share anything with, stressful job I hate. Life sucks. Never thought it would be this bad and this lonely for this long.

Perpetually single and 69, gay and happy. For many years I thought I wanted a LTR, but I am grateful now that it never happened. I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit or issues, I get to have everything just the way I want it, no compromises. I just don't get lonely or bored so that helps I suppose. Mr Perfect could come along and I doubt I would be interested. I love being single.

Yes, it is. But I'm too set in my ways to want to change now. It'd be nice to be someone's priority though.

[quote]It'd be nice to be someone's priority though.

I do have that feeling though I wouldn't say I'm lonely. I know how lucky I am to have a good support system.

IMO, somewhere out there, there's a compatible mate for most of us. That person could live many miles away, though. The problem is finding that person. Even with online dating, it seems impossible to meet someone decent.

There’s still hope for you! (Just a tiny amount, though) I met my partner at 38 after two decades of whoring around. I wanted to continue the whoring even after I met him, but he convinced me to settle down. Now in my 50s, I look at my single friends and see their sadness and longing. They know on a deep level it will never happen for them, but they still get dressed and go to happy hour. Unfortunately there’s no advice I can give you to snag a man. If you try to hard that will be a turnoff. May luck be on your side!

I'm just not anything anyone would want.

I would attack you, R37, but I'm lazy and other people will probably do it for me.

I prefer to be single, but I have a boyfriend.

One of the things I envy my partnered friends is having someone to travel with. I travel alone and though it's easy and simple in some aspects, there are some trips I haven't taken because I didn't want to be alone. For example, I would love to explore our federal parks, but as a city person, I don't want to hike or camp alone. And sometimes I just miss not sharing a great experience with someone. I hiked the inca trail to macchu picchu with a group tour (it's required to go with a guide) and I came home, it hit me that I had no one remember the experience with. It was conversation point with my friends for a few minutes, but otherwise, it was done and nothing of that trip remains. I don't get to recall it fondly, no shared memories with a partner. I do short weekend trips with friends but for substantive travel, I'm on my own.

And as already mentioned, it does hurt to know you're not a priority for anyone. Sure I have friends, but when it comes to priorities, they have spouses or partners, kids, family, etc. When my mom dies, there will be no one who would truly miss and need me in their life. Sure my friends and extended family would be sad, but it's not like I'm priority #1 in their lives. And when that happens, when you are no one's top priority, is there any point? I'm a little scared to find out.

[quote] Now in my 50s, I look at my single friends and see their sadness and longing.

Sometimes, we read into other people something that reflects on ourselves. I have a friend who assumed that because I was single, that I eat my meals over the sink. (Yes, he actually said that.) My read into that: if he were single, that's how he would eat his meals.

All you miserable bitches need to read about me. What's good? I was 29, married with a kid and a motherfuckin' Prince of my state but I left everything because I too was depressed as shit and clueless about life. I kept trying to find answers to all these questions about life. And then, I found it. Its that life is inherently full of suffering and its brought by attachment. By desires that never end. By yearnings and by longings. Everyone is complacent and no one is ever content. Long as you have these desires, you'll find a way to suffer. Peace out!

Almost 30, and I’ve never had a partner. Never even had a casual thing with anyone, even. In my life to date I’ve been on a dozen of dates (both sexes, all disappointing and not progressing to intimacy), and that is all. I’ve never known or expected anything different, so I have no point of comparison where I can say it’s better or worse than being partnered.

But so far as a life choice it perfectly suits me—being Aspergic, I prefer and frankly require a quiet, sparsely-populated and low-stress life to keep me functional and contented. Still, everyone in my circle treats me like a leper because of it. They even make comments about my biological clock, or the fact that dying alone is a horrible fate. Best guess, I assume this is a kneejerk animal response, that says “that person is avoidant/avoided, therefore something is wrong with them”. While I can understand their suspicions and fears, ultimately it isn’t their business to pass judgement on me and ostracise me for making a sensible decision based on my mental health needs.

I'm gay, unpartnered and in my 50s. I've always been much of a loner my whole life, but I have had and kept the same friends most of my life. Some are gay and partnered, but also have straight friends who are single. If I want to meet other gay men my own age there is always opportunity. I have interests and work that keep me busy. I go through periods of loneliness and wanting to have a companion to do stuff with, but for the most part pretty content and happy.

I found love once only too early at 17, and then never again. The long ago memory is the only thing that gives me comfort.

41, single, never been in a relationship. Have moments of loneliness but in general am fine - I just don't find most people more interesting than books or TV.

[quote] Still, everyone in my circle treats me like a leper because of it.

R44, I think you need better people in your "circle."

R48 well, you’re right, but it’s easier said than done. It’s tough when they’re family, and there’s only a few of them left. At present I don’t have any friends, so I need my family still.

Husband died not too long ago. I'm staring down the barrel of a lonely old age.

Honestly, these days I'm not looking for the one. I'm looking for a community. I'm surrounded by lesbians and straight couples, who are wonderful, and I appreciate all they have done for me. But it's not the same.

I wish I had done better in forming gay male friendships. I think I made a very big mistake and wish I had done better at that. I think I got lazy and accepted that my husband was also my best friend and gradually lost all track of other gay male friendships. It was stupid, and I would not recommend it.

Surprisingly, no.

If everyone who is lonely in this thread would find each other then no one here would be lonely.

It would be a lot lonelier without the two kids I'm raising half the time from my failed marriage. I'm ready to start a gay life, but covid has put all that on hold. Overall, I'd just say thank god for legal weed.

R52 what we’ve discovered in this thread is that the epidemic social loneliness we see these days in the gay community is not a dearth of loyal good couples, but a lack of deep lasting ties to community and a big tight circle of friendship.

OP? You’re a fool. Life BEGINS at 40. Stop limiting yourself. There are tons of possibilities.

Success comes from within.

Happy birthday, R17! I hope it's better than you're probably expecting.

I'm 48, single with a cat, a bit of a sad stereotype. However I also own my home, and have a great job and good retirement savings. Life isn't ever perfect and I'm luckier than many.

Would I like to be partnered? Sometimes, yes. But I've never been in a relationship that had the potential to be that. So in many ways, I feel like I've been spared a type of misery that would have been worse than my current situation.

I may also be the type who doesn't do well in a couple lifestyle, (rather than making bad past choices in partners) and I'm at peace with that. Life experience i guess.

Some here might enjoy Walt Odets' "Out of the Shadows", a good book that deals with this topic a bit. I am usually too vain for self-help books, but this one I'm not embarrassed to have around.

For those who want to be someone's priority, get a dog.

Sometimes I think I'd like a partner, but I'm in my 40s and everyone my age I know, gay straight and everything in between, is either happily single or miserably partnered. I don't think it's that relationships are inherently miserable, but maybe we do live in a particular age where it's very difficult to maintain or navigate a mutually respectful, supportive and equitable relationship. Just a sense I get. The only happily married ones are the ones with no kids.

Anyway, I have many great friends and a nice life and some cats, no complaints here.

I was happily partnered from age 22 to 34 with a man who thought the sun shone out of my ass. Then he died . After being alone for several years,I met a man who was able to overcome the walls I had built after suffering so much grief and pain over my first love.I was NEVER going to let myself hurt like that ever again,but he was persistent and indeed I fell in love. 5 years into it,he was diagnosed with MS. 2 years after that ,he died. I was 48 by then,and that pretty much was the end of all that. Im 60 now,and sometimes I do miss being loved ,but I just cant ever hurt like that again. So Im resigned to being alone and dying alone. No regrets though,I had a wonderful life .

R41--sounds like you need a travel buddy rather than a husband.

Just a friend--could even be a woman--who shares your love of travel and will go places with you.

I feel you on this. In the Before Times I used to travel to Europe and Asia a lot for work and if it was a place I'd never been before, I'd take a day or two on either end to see the sights and even that short period got sort of lonely and I'd post all the photos to my socials as a way of sharing it with people or text photos to my husband to share, but it wasn't the same.

OTOH, I could spend as much time as I wanted in various museums and eat what I wanted when I wanted.

But if three days got lonely, I can only imagine what two weeks must feel like.

That's a good idea R62. A platonic friend can make a great travel partner but people don't like to do it for whatever reason

I’ve had two long term partners, but oddly didn’t love either.

I have never experienced love and likely never will. Having a partner/friend is great but I wish I loved them too. I guess I built a lot of walls around my emotions

Don't some southern gays just end up marrying a lady friend? I knew of at least two people like this in Atlanta... is this a common thing generally? (Obv not on DL).

I’m 30 and single. Not what OP is asking for but I work out, wear clothes that are in style, smile, have a nice smile, over 5’10, college educated, and can see my damn abs (workout 4-5 times a week). Yet, still I’m single because I’m black and I’m so stuck on the ideal of finding a white man. I’m ignored when I go to my gayborgood. I spend a few thousand every year to travel because abroad I can at least get dick. Locally, I’m as ignored as a fat person. So currently drunk as hell, thanks to my friends tonight, bitter, and slightly breaking down.

I realize I may need professional help to get over my preferences for white men and self hate. A friend of mine recently committed suicide. I told my friend I understood the why behind his actions, though he was attractive so it’s such a fucking waste. Again, the alcohol talking. It’s Friday night so who cares.

Anyway, I’m considering giving this shit another 5 years or joining my friend. Just exhausted. Been out since my 20s masculine, but because rim black men only want my BBC. I’m so tucked in the head from growing up in all white environments that I don’t find my own men or taker attractive enough.

I’ll probably hold out till my mother croaks in 20-30 years then off myself. I’m used to being alone since I’ve never had a boyfriend but I see no point in it all at this point.

If I couldn’t get a man in my 20s or now a year into my 30s, then what how do I have when I hit my 49s in 9 years? I’m not getting any younger an no one wants an old bitch unless he’s paying and probably not an older black man.

If your white and gay it’s half the battle. Just got the fucking gym and you’ll have an advantage over me and I’m a decade younger than many posters in here. Catch me in 20 years or So years on tour local news. I’ll have jumped from my apartment.

Just read my post. Not asking for pitty but to answer OP’s question, it’s lonely and demoralizing as hell at 30. By 40, what’s even the point of it all?

R1 nailed it.

I'm alone, but I know people in relationships who are miserable.

I at least have a blank slate and can maybe meet someone I really want to be with; not someone I'll pick out of separation.

that said, I don't think I'll find anyone; I'm headed into elder gay territory and I've always been too picky.

I had this great, shall we say, 'surrogate' for a while; he retired; he was everything, attentive, kind; strong, caring...he showed me how it could be if you meet the right person.

I have nice memories of him.

I want someone who is kind and strong and caring and who doesn't sweat the small stuff.

^ separation = desperation.

[quote] I realize I may need professional help to get over my preferences for white men and self hate.

Yes, R66, give professional help a try. You said you’re educated, so let someone who’s educated in psychology help you. Good luck. Don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t drink too much.

Thank you r70. At this point I’m willing to put my ego aside and admit that I can’t manage this alone anymore.

You are very kind.

My best friend and I (both gay, single, late 30s) are close, and sometimes our friendship feels more like a sexless relationship, and everyone is convinced we are more than friends. We just get along so well, we talk every day and have for years, and I’m so comfortable in his company but the thought of us having sex is gross.

[quote]If everyone who is lonely in this thread would find each other then no one here would be lonely.

57% of gay men over the age of 45 are single.

39% of lesbians over the age of 45 are single.

48% of bisexual men and women over the age of 45 are single.

Compatibility is one thing, finding each other is another.

[quote]39% of lesbians over the age of 45 are single.

This surprises me. However, I would bet the percentage of lesbians who have never been in a LTR is significantly lower.

R22 I’m the exact opposite — I stare almost obnoxiously at good-looking guys, even if they’re straight and walking down the street with their girlfriend.

What can I say.. Life is short, I like beautiful men, I’m a whore.

[quote]If everyone who is lonely in this thread would find each other then no one here would be lonely.

I sincerely doubt there is an equal number of tops and bottoms.

R73 - I detest random statistics on things that are nearly impossible to quantify. What about “throuples,” open relationships, “roommate” situations and such. How did they compile these? Who did they poll?

R66, I’m 25 years older than you, but I’m also black, grew up in majority white environments, and ended up with a strong attraction to white men. It was never absolute, as it appears to be for you; I dated and hooked up with men of all colors. But I can’t deny what really turns me on and you shouldn’t reduce your tastes to self-hatred. Accept and move on. I just wanted to encourage you to both seek professional help and to try to find fulfillment in other parts of your life. It’s ok to want a relationship, but it’s not everything. I had pretty much accepted that it wouldn’t happen for me, but it finally did at 40. When my now husband asked me out to dinner after our first hook up, I agreed mostly because I was hungry, not because I thought anything would come of it. You actually sound like the outgoing type, which I’m definitely not, so you have that going for you too.

P.S. if you’re not getting dick without going abroad, maybe you need to relocate. It was never an issue for me in Chicago.

R78 really interesting comments. Just goes to show, we never know what is around the corner.

FWIW, I’m white, and so far I simply don’t find POC attractive (I’m open-minded that one day that could change). I just haven’t ever experienced a feeling of attraction towards a non-white no matter how cute or sexy or beautiful, and it feels like a fact about my physical desire that I can’t change, though I feel ashamed about that. While I grew up in a white-majority community, I always had contact with POC, and went to school and later on University with many (particularly Indian, Chinese & Nigerian), so this isn’t for lack of exposure. Maybe I just have bland safe tastes?

By contrast, my straight sister—who grew up close with me, from the same white rural conservative background, and had the same good education and upbringing—adores non-white guys and always has, and has always gone out her way to date them over other white men (some very gorgeous specimens, too). In fact, she’s never dated a white man to my knowledge, and she now hopes to marry her longterm Arab boyfriend (if they can overcome the cultural hurdles). So examining our case study, I don’t think it’s racist to have a particular type you like.

R8 = Jennifer Lopez

Your story is very common R79. White women are far more likely to fuck and date and marry darker skinned men (POC) than vice versa. It very much has to do with superficiality though I wouldn't say racism

Not vice versa, meant to say more than white men ^^

I finally got married one week before turning 60. So don't give up.

That may be true of straight men, R81, but gay men are more likely to be in interracial relationships than any other demographic.

OP, I have a friend who met his perfect match at 40. That was nine years ago. He dated regularly throughout his 30s. He’s not the best looking guy. Anyway, it happened

A movie for this thread:

In this trailer for the 2021 movie, "Here After," the only way to get into heaven is in pairs with your earthly soulmate. If you die single, you have to go back to earth and find one.

But what if you try and still can't find someone? Uh-oh.

Thanks, Hollywood.

Can you imagine having to be in each other’s face everyday if it was not loving or just happy?

I've been in a number of relationships, one happy, one OK, the other two total disasters -- and I am thrilled to be single now in my 60s. I cannot even imagine having the energy to put into dealing with another person habitually at this point in my life. Hell, sometimes even my little dog (who I love dearly) is a pain in the ass (like now, when some neighborhood fuckhead is setting off leftover fireworks). I travel alone, go to restaurants and events alone, do chores alone -- but I can't imagine my life any other way. After being single since 2008, it's just life for me.

What I find perplexing is what I perceive as most womens' fear of being alone. Most of the women I know will be in any kind of a relationship before they'll be single. Once years ago, I was at a party (all lesbians) and I was approached by a woman I knew, but not well. She was in a relationship (I didn't know her gf at all), but she asked me, "If I were to break up with my gf, would you be available?" Lining up the next one before you've even dumped the current one? Jesus. I told her I believed that you should be over your ex before you go on to the next one, and that was that.

I cannot even imagine ever trusting anyone enough to get into a relationship again. And at my age, I no longer go to places where I would meet other lesbians, so even if I were so inclined, I would never meet anyone -- so it's just as well. And I am never really lonely. The older I get, the more people annoy me anyway.

"The older I get, the more people annoy me anyway" This times infinity !

I'm 39 and single. Been years since I was in a relationship. Still talk to my younger ex (parted on good terms) and he's got a husband who is basically a roommate at this point and he's bored beyond what were his wildest dreams in life but can't leave. I feel slightly better about being single talking to him, but occasionally do wonder what happened.

I am, however, mystified by the guys I know who have NEVER been single. Not with the same person, but either its an immediate partnering or a slight overlap. I cannot figure out how they manage it, but I also cannot figure out why the other guys don't see a huge red flag of "I'm 50 but I haven't been single since I was 19. If you want references, check with the 15 people I've dated in those years!"

I have a friend like that, R90. He hasn't been single since he was about 21. I have known him since he was 24. He's almost 50 now, and while he has been in multiple relationships during the time I have known him, he has never been single. I met him when he was leaving someone and getting together with a former friend of mine.

I don't think he would know what to do if he was suddenly single. I don't know that he could handle it. He would either find someone immediately, or I would have to step in and help him through it.

I met my partner when I was 38 and we’ve been together for 27 years. I fucked around a lot but didn’t meet anyone I could be serious about, or could be serious about me, until then.

Ok. Where and when can all the single 50 and over DLs get together?

R92 How did you know this guy was “the one”?

[quote]I’m 30 and single. Not what OP is asking for but I work out, wear clothes that are in style, smile, have a nice smile, over 5’10, college educated, and can see my damn abs (workout 4-5 times a week). Yet, still I’m single because I’m black and I’m so stuck on the ideal of finding a white man. I’m ignored when I go to my gayborgood.

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?

R67, don’t give up hope. So you like white guys, why is it a problem? We all have preferences, I like husky guys.

I will tell you, dating in my 30s and 40s was much better than in my 20s. I think you are going to find what you need.

R96 There’s nothing wrong with having preferences but when you’re not willing to “expand your horizons” even though you’re striking out over and over with your “preference,” you need to be willing to try something different or accept being single.

I'm 65 and single -- have had three long term relationships, none of which were really satisfying but I wanted to be in a relationship enough to make them work, at least for a while. Now I'm free again and pretty happy about it. As others have said, the older you get, the more people annoy you.

But what gives me comfort is that because I'm pretty high energy and easy to get along with, I have a lot of really good friends in their 30s and 40s. I know that at least one of them will step up and help me if, god forbid, I need it some day. So that's my advice to other singles who are afraid of being alone late in life: make friends with younger people. If you've made good choices, they'll be there for you (well, at least a few will be).

Nope. I like sleeping alone. I like not having relationship drama.

A few things bother me. I had to have an endoscopy a few months ago and it would be a lot easier to have a live-in partner take me, which is assumed, than to ask someone else to go out of their way. Sharing household chores, expenses and certain experiences would make life easier and a little more enriching, I'm sure.

But overall, at 43 and alone, I feel very at peace and content with my life.

Remember, some couples are together for decades feeling sorry for people who will die alone—and then one partner dies and the other one ends up alone in the end, anyway. Everything is relative and nothing is permanent.

What I don't understand at all is people who want to be in a relationship so much that they choose someone they don't even like. I would much rather be solo any day. I'd have to find someone pretty damned perfect to compromise my solitude for a live-in partner—but I am very introverted and need a lot of alone time.

I'm 52, a lesbian and single. My last relationship was in 2013 so it's been a minute. I've been in a few LTR but never moved in with anyone so I'm an anomaly.

Frankly during Covid just how "alone" I really am did a number on my mental state. I have a lot of friends, a few of whom are close friends but not being able to see them during covid was bad. I ended up having psychotic depression for a bit where I was convinced I was the lowest of the low. I've struggled with depression on and off forever, since I was a teenager but this was something different. Now, I'm doing better but yes, I do get lonely and that's not something I ever felt prior to the quarantine. And it isn't even being lonely truthfully...it's more of a wanting to be a priority to someone and for someone to just be here to help me sometimes. I've always done most things on my own and it gets hard. I finally understand why so many people settle in relationships for people who aren't quite what they want. But then again, I'm not willing to put up with some weirdo just to have another person around.

So I'm not lonely in the traditional sense. I think it would just be nice to have someone to lean on who has my back. But then again, I've been in relationships where that wasn't the case either so...

[quote] Sharing household chores, expenses and certain experiences would make life easier and a little more enriching, I'm sure.

Yes, it's called "economies of scale." I have a sister who is half of a DINK couple (double income, no kids). Somewhat brags about her financial situation compared to our brother, who is blue collar and divorced. I'm sick of hearing it and have started to speak up about it.

Same boat as you except I'm fifty-eight, and I'm never lonely. Ok, maybe almost never, but if I do get lonely I barely recognize it.

At long last it's ok to admit I'm not now, nor ever have been the relationship type. At this point it's not anything I could tolerate. I really try to develop my wonderful friendships even newer or more casual ones, and I find this very satisfying.

Are there single gay men that could pair up with a gay woman for just companionship?

R103 I don’t know why not as long as they have some interests and hobbies in common.

I'm 40, good looking, and no I don't feel lonely. I think there is still time. I have some issues and I don't know if I am boyfriend material. I am working on it and maybe I'll meet someone later on. I refuse to do the online dating thing. I've always met my boyfriends in real life and if I am ready, he'll appear. If not, I might be better off. The key to happiness is to indulge yourself. Take amazing vacations by yourself and hook up. Also don't feel guilty for being lazy and telling everyone, including your now getting divorced girlfriends who never had time when they were married, that you don't feel like hanging out tonight. Make everything about what you want to do when you feel like doing it.

I feel like I know what works for me now to live a contented life. Whoever upthread said contented is spot on. I'd also say really comfortable. Content is happy with what you have, you enjoy your day to day, and you really don't need much more than that. Also, let go of the "die alone/nobody to take care of you" narrative. Despite best intentions people still end up alone everyday. The pandemic taught me that I am really on my own and better plan accordingly.

If you do want a relationship, go for it. I think anyone, at any age who really wants a relationship should go for it. This is the beauty party of being single and 40 - you can go for anything you want in life and you don't have to worry about anyone else. That is a true luxury and blessing. The world is your oyster at 38 and single. Take excellent care of your physical self - having your health is the biggest gift in the world.

I’m too ugly to meet anyone worth having. My dog is my life companion. When she is not around, there won’t be much worth living for.

It helps enormously if you enjoy your own company. 60 here, single for many many years. I enjoy my family and friends but am not defined by my interactions with them. When I want a fuck I hire someone.

[quote]I’m too ugly to meet anyone worth having.

Do you look like Divine or something?

I don't understand why you have to be partnerred OP to be happy. I guess it would be a different experinece to beeing single but that is it, a different experience. I just turned 40 and have never had a boyfriend or SO, had many friends and family over the years to give my love to and like my own company the best.

I have been married twice and now single for almost 30 years, and have absolutely no desire to be partnered to anyone ever again. I do precisely what I want and can afford financially.

I'm 55 and my boyfriend is 29. I'm ok, he's a gym instructor. We've been dating for 8 years. I'm punching well above my weight. He loves me. I don't love him.

I know it's sad, but I really do love my own company. I've had 3 previous relationships. I loved all 3. I like my boyfriend, but I really don't love him.

R111 - Interesting. Are you sure he’s not with you for the money? And how are you sure he loves you? It’s fairly rare in gay couples (or straight) for one partner to be almost half the other’s age without some sort of financial benefit involved.

R112

1. I don't have money.

2. I don't have money.

Hope that helps.

R111 If you don't love him, then break up and set him free. The only thing worse in my mind than being single and lonely would be to be in a relationship and be lonely. He deserves to be with someone that loves him back or at least free to find someone that loves him back. It would be my nightmare to be in a relationship with someone who didn't love me.

It's like being a Siamese twin: it's just the way life is and has always been. And always will be. You don't know anything else.

But as with those twins, what does often grate is the way others regard you.

What R106 said, except for "I’m too ugly to meet anyone worth having."

It's just absurd to let visual impressions rule your life. 'Beauty is only skin deep.' 'Don't judge a book by its cover.' 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.' And there are many more. All are true. 100% true.

If you can't grasp that and inculcate it into your view of the world, there lies your problem. Not in your countenance.

That's exactly what I mean by not minding being single because I don't want the dramas of being in a relationship. Almost everyone I know in a relationship is in constant turmoil.

Some people are hitched to someone they don't love at all because they "don't want to be alone." (So they'd rather be with someone they don't care about? That's fucked up to me.)

Others are obsessively worried about infidelity because they are inherently jealous and that causes constant drama.

Another I know was married for decades, complely blindsided when her husband confessed he had been having an affair for the better part of a decade, went into a total downward spiral and decided to stay with him and is now paranoid and jealous and clearly resents herself for choosing to stay with him.

And then there's also just day to day stuff like fighting over the temperature of your home. My body fluctuates hot and cold constantly and I know I'd drive a person crazy with my environmental temp needs.

Obviously romantic relationships are a huge part of nearly all human dramas and nearly all human lives. I actually started a thread here asking if I am the only person who sometimes questions whether I am actually fully human because I just do not have these needs or desires. I'd say I spend maybe five percent of my alone time wondering if I should be pursuing a relationship, but that's entirely because of other people being in relationships making me feel like I am an alien for not wanting to be in one, and/or when I am worried about the fate of my job or something and realizing how much financial stability another income would add. But those are not reasons to be in a relationship IMO. I would never use a person that way. If I ever found myself in a cohabiting romantic relationship, it would have to be because of irresistable desire to spend all my time with the person and not because of what I could use them for.

R114 I've tried to dump him loads of times.

He just won't have it!

R66, your post hit me like a ton of bricks.

When I came out, I expected to be embraced why a gay community and have torrid live affairs. None of that happened. Men wouldn’t even look at me as I walked in a gayborhood. It really did mess with my mind as my self worth was wrapped up in whether men found me attractive.

I remember sitting on the steps of a public building feeling so absolutely low.

It took a long while, but I finally stopped allowing everyone else to define who I was. I just thought, fuck you, to the rest of the gay world and decided I would just be myself and enjoy life. Interestingly, when I wasn’t trying, is when men starting finding me attractive and when I had those torrid love affairs.

I also expanded my horizons on what I found attractive. Sure, in the US, we are constantly bombarded with images of white men being the physical ideal. Growing up finding only white men attractive makes complete sense psychologically. It’s natural to place the dominant culture on top. But once you get past that (and it takes lots of time and trying), there is so much beauty in all sorts of men.

Best of luck to you. The answer isn’t to off yourself; it’s to take charge and define yourself.

The answer is never to off yourself. you don't know what tomorrow brings. you will die eventually or what did you think you will live forrever like some GOD. girlllll please. death comes to everyone eventually live the day wheter it's good or bad. remain living weother good or bad you will die no mather wat

Thanks, R120. How many times do you want each of us to pay National Grid before we decide we're really not cut out for this society that is enforced against us?

R113 - “I don’t have money.”

How unfortunate for you that you’re poor at the age of 55. Was it a lack of planning, poor education, bad luck, or just stupidity? You should be like the rest of us in our mid 50s, planning to retire early and watching our financial investments grow. You should never admit such an embarrassing fact about yourself. Whatever does a 29 year old see in an old, broke gay man?

R122 = old, broke gay man.

All you "Oh god,Im so ugly no one will love me!" or "Im so depressed life isnt worth living" bitches piss me off. You want to talk about being depressed ? try walking into your house one day and finding out the man youve been with for 12 years and fully intended on being with the rest of your life is dead.One minute your thinking about a pot roast,the next your whole world comes crashing down . That was over 25 years ago and Im still traumatized by it. Yet life went on . You play the hand your dealt,and sometimes its a shitty one .I never thought Id recover from that day but I did,and went on to have another relationship then HE died . Out of all that pain I learned that life does go on,and you have to make the best of what you have. If you sit in the house lamenting you have nothing to live for then your just feeling sorry for yourself . Life just isnt fair sometimes,but theres still a lot of good in it.

And, occasionally, punctuation.

R125 Suck,,,MY...Asshole ?!***''' CUNT.....

R122 You'd have to ask him that.

I'm at a loss.

R126: LOL...

[quote] I’m too ugly to meet anyone worth having

I love guys that aren't that hot. Now small dick and overweight can be deal breakers, but I love interesting guys that don't follow the convention. As long as I am attracted, that's all that matter. This sounds like depressed talk more than anything. Are you feeling depressed?

[quote] Others are obsessively worried about infidelity because they are inherently jealous and that causes constant drama.

This is my achilles heel and why I stay single. This manifests more in constant anxiety when dating, even when it's supposed to be fun. If I hold it in, my anxiety goes through the roof. If I let it out, I am the crazy, jealous bf. It has nothing to do with my partners. I grew up in a dysfunctional household and at my core, I have abandonment issues. I have a great shrink and I'm working on it, but until I figure it out I am not putting a potential bf or myself through the process. I also like a lot of sex and validation, which I'm sure is exhausting for partners in retrospect.

[quote]nd it isn't even being lonely truthfully...it's more of a wanting to be a priority to someone and for someone to just be here to help me sometimes. I've always done most things on my own and it gets hard.

r100 this is how I feel as well. I've been alone all my life. I realize while out with friends that I have no one really in my corner that makes me their primary priority or consideration. Not that I want to be up someone's ass 100% of the time but there is a special category for boyfriends vs friends/best friends. I'd love to have someone to go home with or meet after being out and about.

[quote] it's more of a wanting to be a priority to someone

That other person also has to be a priority for you, too, though. Unless you want a lopsided relationship.

R119 it’s funny how that works — the less you want to impress men, the more drawn they’ll be to you.

Gotta say, this thread gives me hope. I thought my life was over. It ain't. It is possible to live alone. I knew that, but I didn't, you know, KNOW that. And some of you are doing it.

I've never been in a relationship (with a man) . It was very clear from an early age (~~14yo...ish) looking at my reflection in the mirror, or judging by people's reactions, that there would always been someone for me. I never even bothered to have a driving license. There is literally ALWAYS someone willing to drive me where I want to go. Over the decades, I've learned to use this power I have, that was very scary when I was young, and now I am comfortably entering my fifties. I am still incredibly fit, incredibly charming when I need to be, and very, very handsome. When I"m horny, I call a fb, or I go cruising, and I always score, mostly with young men, who are massively into daddies. Unfair ? perhaps. But all my life I've been targeted with insane jealousy, so it's nice to have this place, DL, to take it out on people anonimously, and be a cunt.

I’m 39 and separated and headed for divorce. We were together for 7 years. The relationship was just too uneven and I realized I was sacrificing everything while he sacrificed nothing. He’s also selfish, ungrateful, and narcissistic. But we were deeply in love and had some great years. I never thought I’d find love. But I had to end it for my sanity and because I knew we were just not compatible in some fundamental ways.

I’ll be 40 next year and I’m focusing my energy on getting over this, getting my body together, and knowing that I’ve got maybe 5-7 years tops to find the partner that I truly want to be with. I want kids, the house, the whole thing.

I know this sounds like DL catnip but: I legitimately do look 5-7 years younger than my age, especially when I’m at goal weight - which is why getting back there after the COVID-19 pounds is my top priority right now.

Also, I’m Black and am attracted to white men, but I don’t seem to have the issues the Black men above have. I have no shortage of potential suitors even though I’m not ready yet. When I am I’m sure it won’t be too hard to find someone. I’m handsome, successful, a top with 8.5 inches and pull in about $250k a year. There’s a lid for every pot, and there’s no shortage of white men who love Black men.

When I was miserable in my relationship I was afraid that maybe I’d end up alone, but I never really believed that, even at the lowest points.

I’m optimistic that I’ll find someone I’m truly compatible with, but know that the next few years have to be about me.

[quote] a top with 8.5 inches and pull in about $250k a year.

need say no more, call me hon

R135 - You're quite literally, my perfect man. There must be some reason you’re single, some critical flaw you overlooked in telling us.

He's imaginary

[quote]When I came out, I expected to be embraced why a gay community...

WHO is filling the young gays' heads with this bizarre notion of "a gay community"?

I hear this all the time and as a gay guy here in NYC for forty years, I've rarely if ever found anything resembling such a thing. I was a nightclub goer and worker (bartender) in the late 80s-90s so I knew ten million gay guys, plus I've been sober for decades and know a lot of guys through being sober, but "groups of people" are not an organized "community".

These young gays seem to think there's an assigned community mentor to shield you from the Mean Girls and guys assigned to stroke your ego and have sex with you regardless of your looks and build! This is the real world, and other young gay guys are often just as damaged as you are and making it up as they go along as well. Plus, no one owes you anything, so get your ass out there anyway, and start putting a life together!

I don't know, R139, everyone who is over 40 and gay Denver gay knows my neighbor, knows that he's a total slut, and most have had him.

Does that make us a community?

*over 40 and gay in Denver

Franklin Mint or not, that’s damaged goods.

R139 = Margaret Thatcher

[quote]These young gays seem to think there's an assigned community mentor to shield you from the Mean Girls and guys assigned to stroke your ego and have sex with you regardless of your looks and build!

What do you think my role is? If you look like Colton Underwood, that is.

[quote] Also, I’m Black and am attracted to white men, but I don’t seem to have the issues the Black men above have. I have no shortage of potential suitors even though I’m not ready yet. When I am I’m sure it won’t be too hard to find someone. I’m handsome, successful, a top with 8.5 inches and pull in about $250k a year. There’s a lid for every pot, and there’s no shortage of white men who love Black men.

This sounds to much like an eldergay queen in the way it is written including DL catnip. I'm not buying it.

r143 is being dopey.

He's out looking for the "LGBTQIA+ Safe Space" he heard tell about!

R145 I promise you I have no reason to lie to an anonymous board. Every word I wrote is true. I am not perfect. I come from a rough background so I can be very rigid about, well everything.

Because Black gay boys from the Midwest don’t get where I am because the world is handing us opportunities left and right and shielding us from failure.

I’m obsessive about working out and my weight because I used to be fat. Obsessive about making money because I’m a late bloomer in that department. I have a demanding career which intimidates some and is partly why my marriage failed.

Again, not perfect, but not lying.

I’m happily in love after spending all my 20s being single and enjoying it.

I was very anti-relationships before as I am a loner by nature, love spending time alone and I don’t like monogamy. Also, growing up gay made me feel there was no such thing as a happy gay couple so I’d just focus on sex. That took therapy in my late 20s to deal with.

The sex is no longer as intense or common but I feel very supported by him. I feel like a better version of myself with him and enjoy spending time together. We don’t argue and we joke around a lot. We are also in an open relationship which works since neither is the jealous type and we’re not into casually hooking up. We’re also very affectionate with one another.

Oddly when it does happen it tends to be other couples. That’s the other thing, couples attract couples and now I barely have any single friends.

I hope this last cause it feels like I struck gold but who knows.

Thanks for mansplaining, R131. I think we know how relationships work.

The bed's too big, the frying pan's too wide.

[quote] We are also in an open relationship which works since neither is the jealous type and we’re not into casually hooking up

Open as in 3-ways if you are not in to casually hooky up?

A lot of the posts here make it seem like being single is entirely their choice. I live in a major city with a decent sized gay population and found it hard in the past (when i was younger & fit) to get anyone to settle down. It seems like 99.9% of gays just want to sleep around. I stopped dating for a number of years pre-covid, maybe it will end before I turn 40, but I don't see me being single at 40 as my choice.

Maybe it's my choice because I choose to live in a city where the gay scene is a meat market. That point i might accept, but it seems ridic to just move to a small town with a few gays just to find a guy willing to settle down.

Water rises to its own level. Most of you can't accept the fact that you are cheap beer looking for fine champagne. Be the change you want to be and have the qualities of the man you want to attract.

Many gay men, bottoms especially, don't understand that tops have biological need to breed and to do it often. I try to accommodate my husbear as much as I can, but he has told me that he has a need intrinsically to spread his seed with multiple partners. May of us want masculine men, but can't accept that they are often wired like straight men and we need to let them be the men they need to be without question.. Once I accepted that, I allow him to fulfill his biological impulses when I can't take it. Learning biology and how men are wired is important to understanding the components to a successful LTR.

"Water rises to its own level. Most of you can't accept the fact that you are cheap beer looking for fine champagne. "

It's the opposite problem for me. I've never met anyone who can match what I bring to the table. I've sort of given up because I'm tired of beer.

Shorter 154: "Be the weak, pathetic doormat I always aspired to be."

Meh. Haven't dated in years - on principle. Kind of a loner to begin with. My parents had nothing in common and had a passionless, bitter marriage. I vowed at a young age I'd never get involved with anyone who didn't share similar interests/tastes. My city is known for being pretty shallow and "basic" - and it's a wonder I even found a few STRAIGHT friends to hang out with, much less a gay dating pool. I know that what I'm looking for in a guy wouldn't settle for this soul-crushing city, so until I can move to one of the coasts, where edgy, interesting gays live (or mayyyyyyyyybe Chicago - in a pinch), I'm content to simply fuck. And I do. But I sure ain't gettin' any younger...hope my financial luck changes soon!

Does anyone really want to take advice from someone who speaks of a husbear?

R154 might just have posted one of the strangest posts ever on DL. And that's saying something.

It's not THAT strange. DL is full of male characteristics being equated with traditional sexualization of female bits. I'm talking about tits and cleavage and bussy and all that shit. Pretending that tops are looking to impregnate or operating based on that biological principle are well in line with the prevailing tone around here.

Absolutely agree there’s no gay “community.” When given the chance, I’ll throw any gay I know under the bus and gossip about them behind their backs, but smile to their face. This is standard procedure for most guys I know. We don’t push each other to succeed; we tear each other down out of envy or hatred.

R154 - So your “husbear” justifies his slutty behavior and you believe his lies. Do you also pay his bills?

R162, you use the word "slutty" as if it is a bad thing.

Tell us more about yourself. Let us judge you, just as you judge others.

Politically it's good to have a "gay community" because government only reactions when big number are complaining.

In actuality, I WISH there were a community where we looked after and cared for one another.

[quote]We don’t push each other to succeed; we tear each other down out of envy or hatred.

Envy or hatred, though, are symptoms of something else. The reason I've given up? Too many damaged men who can't be trusted, can't grow up, can't a lot of things. Now I've got my damage too, from the experience, but it hasn't affected the main qualities you'd expect anyone would want in a partner: reliability, truthfulness, caring.

But, as someone observed upthread, it isn't so much I'm a 4 wanting a 10, more a 7 (8 if abs don't count), uninterested in 3s. And, being old, the 6 through 8s worth having are pretty much picked over.

Exactly R156. As if a gay man who tops is wired differently to a gay man who doesn't. Men are men. It's about choices and what you can get away with.

A top can't be a slut, R162.

If you are looking for a 6-8 then WHO exactly is a 1-4? I've never heard a DLer or gay man or any man admit they are the bottom rung on the dating scale. Too much punching above one's weight

I always felt bad that I was unable to find a long term relationship like so many of my peers. Found out that I had a lot of mental health issues stemming from childhood abuse and bullying. PTSD and depression. I’ve been working on those issues and for me it’s not feasible for me to be involved with anyone right now. I’m learning to love myself, be my own boyfriend. And now I’m in my mid fifties, it’s clear that I won’t be having any type of relationship with anyone. I’m so comfortable with being on my own. It feels right. Sometimes it’s lonely, but I’m fine.

[quote]I've never heard a DLer or gay man or any man admit they are the bottom rung on the dating scale.

Oh, come on. Everybody knows where they fit, their strengths and weaknesses, their curb appeal, their mental craziness. If you don't, you're a one.

I seriously doubt "everybody knows where they fit." There is inevitably a lot of delusion and arrogance and just stupidity going on. In addition, not everybody wants the same clone, so there is some actual variability in where everyone fits in. It sort of depends on time and place and various other things.

R169, I will add this-my biggest regret is thinking that I could find love in the bars. My parents met in a bar, my mother worked in one for several years and I was raised to think that it was a part of life, the main way to meet people. What a slap in the face it was finding out that there were other healthier options than sitting on a barstool waiting for HIM. He never showed up and the only thing I learned was how to hold my liquor. Didn’t learn Jack about healthy relationships, platonic or romantic. Just how to make poor judgment calls through beer goggles.

They say bar culture is dying in the LGBT community. I say great.

I mean I am r169, posting as r172. Damn.

No but you have a rough idea of your place the the world... I am not a ten. I cannot get a ten. I do not pine after tens. Now, within my range I might occasionally show optimism, per your observation, but I have no doubt where I fit relative to age, height, weight, looks, etc. Anyway, I believe it's more mental than physical ugliness getting in the way of most gay men. Tens are acts of God. Nines are man made and inside... yikes.

During high school & immediately after, there was a guy in my small group of friends. He was not good-looking, he was significantly overweight, and he did not have good financial prospects. He managed to snag a woman who was maybe an 8, looks-wise (she was kind of a bitch). They broke up when we were in our early- / mid-20s and, thereafter, he felt he was entitled to women who were an 8 or thereabout.

I've lost touch with him, but the last time we all got together, he was single.

People expect a Prince Charming for far too long. When you reduce your "standards," it's much easier. Then you realize those standards were idiotic

R169 - “Sometimes it’s lonely, but I’m fine.”

As I sit here pondering your single life as opposed to my partnered, I’m thinking you may be the strong one. You handle everything on your own; I need someone to help shoulder the load of life.

I'm with R1. I'm single, and after nearly a decade-long deep depression, I feel better than I have In years. I'm also busting my ass in several areas of my life. So, as much as I'd like to have a FWB, I really don't have time for it.

I'll look for that when I'm further ahead in my career, and in better shape physically and mentally. But for now...it's all about me.

R177, both situations have their good and bad points. It depends on one’s personality.

Personality, yes. But it also depends on the day.

You get one set of advantages and disadvantages or you get another set. But it's never smooth sailing, no matter how it goes.

I'm 51 and learning how to date and look for a healthy relationship for the first time. Before I lived in a big city and it always seemed easy to just hookup with people and have the hookup turn into a short or long term relationships. Pining for a husband and dating was something fraus did. I live in a smaller city now and the hookup much less dating pool is very different and much smaller. I'm doing my best to stay healthy and be active in my community and be a well rounded person who stays busy and gets out and does things. I know statistics and reality might be against me but I'm never going to close the door but if nobody ever walks through it I'll be ok

I'm 49 and left the city to move back to the country almost 20 years ago. It was a result of a breakup, but I knew I would just be happier. I didn't think much about how it would limit my dating pool. I always tended to pick guys who were really wrong for me, which continued after the move. I went for years at a time single, but I wasn't meeting anyone worth dating.

After dithering around for two years with an ex who really was still a bad idea, I said, ENOUGH. I texted friends, I told everyone, I am FINALLY done. I played sad music, I drank many cocktails. And then I felt I wanted to flirt some. So I fired up Grindr. Because there are basically no gay bars around me anymore, Grindr is the place to flirt, and chat and it's a lot more than just hooking up, RIGHT NOW. A guy I had texted who had not responded to me was online. Horrible photo. But he seemed interesting. I texted him, BONJOUR, FUCKFACE. In the spirit of Glenn. You will not IGNORE ME, DAN. (You get points if you know that reference.) Anyway, he was like, I should block you. And I said, yeah, probably. But here's why not. Next month will be our anniversary. The easiest, most uncomplicated relationship I have ever been in. He's 8 years younger and has only been out for a few years. We'll see how it goes, but I am certain he's the right one. I think the timing was key, and I likely had a lot of therapy work to do on myself. I wasn't ready to deal with a partner in my 20s and 30s. So if you want a relationship it may find you. I was perfectly happy single. It is nice to have someone that complements you, though.

R94, I didn’t know right away, of course, but I think we recognized something in each other that we wanted in a partner. We both had good relationships with parents and siblings and that’s a sign of mental health! We were also compatible sexually.

When I was 50-ish I decided to say fuck it and leave the big city for Tuscany. Yes, it was risky! I didn't know it well, but I loved the culture and I think my dad's mother's cousin married an Italian so I felt like I wanted to learn more about my culture . I bought a ramshackle old house that I decided I was going to renovate all by myself. Fuck men, I don't need anybody I thought. A handsome local heard about my remodeling woes and offered to help with this massive project for a small fee. I'll admit, we were like oil and water in the beginning between our language barrior and my stubborn, American ways. I'd say right and he'd go left. Well, eventually we had a heated fight over his bannister installation that lead to an amazing fuck, right there on the painters drop cloth. We just cuddled for a bit as the sun set. We have never spent a night apart. My only regret is that I didn't make the move sooner. I've never been happier or more in love. Forget the naysayers! It really can happen and in the most unbelievable ways.

I’m not going to lie - I’m almost 40 and have no partner and I’m starting to wonder if I will end up all alone for the rest of my life. I honestly would like to experience just ONE decent relationship in my lifetime but I’m starting to lose hope. Oh well!

[quote] I’m almost 40 and have no partner and I’m starting to wonder if I will end up all alone for the rest of my life. I honestly would like to experience just ONE decent relationship in my lifetime but I’m starting to lose hope

Same. I have had relationships in the past, but I was a mess. I would love just one more shot to try to find the right partner and really give it my all. If the student is ready, the teacher will come as they say. I'm planning my life as a single person all the same.

r184, uhhhh "Under the Tuscan Sun," much? Sure, Jan.

*Lane, lol

R184 Thanks for the laugh!

Think about it - it could be worse. You could be partnered with someone like THIS:

Oh, R190! Responding to one Data Lounge thread with another Data Lounge thread is a sure sign that you need to shut down your computer and get back to real life.

r184 - if that is true - good for you. that's amazing.

[quote] 41, single, never been in a relationship. Have moments of loneliness but in general am fine - I just don't find most people more interesting than books or TV.

52, single, never been in a serious relationship. In the midst of an extreme bout of depression brought on by loneliness and isolation due to the pandemic lockdown. My interest in books and TV has been tested because I am constantly reminded that I will never have the romantic, intimate partnership that is central to the human experience as depicted in entertainment, media, arts and culture. I never worried about it until just this moment in time. I hope it will pass.

Every single guy I know who left NYC for a smaller city or town, was partnered within the year.

It's tougher to find guys who want to settle down in big cities.

Not me, R194. Unfortunately, not me.

The gay men in America's smaller cities and towns are usually married. To women. And stuck.

R139, there’s always a community where there are gay men. If you’re unhappy with the community you’ve found ten there’s another one out there. I moved to a small Midwestern university town from the Bay Area almost thirty years ago and my younger brother, a resident here and happily partnered, introduced me to the set he had come across. There were a dozen men, all early middle aged like me and financially secure but none of them were partnered. They traveled together and hosted parties at each other’s houses but no one had a boyfriend. They all told me they were actively looking but I think they found each other’s company fulfilling.

What's the end of the story, R196? You moved to this Midwestern town from NYC where your partnered brother resided and met all these fabulous, wealthy single men? Did you meet one and get married? Why are you talking about them as if they are in the past tense. Is it still the same or was this 30 years ago? Also, where is this town??????? I'm asking for a friend.

I find it hard to believe that there are all these great men in smaller towns unless you're talking about a large college town.

R197, this was thirty years ago and I’ve only kept up with some of these guys. They weren’t fabulous, wealthy men. They were regular guys with good jobs or solid in their professions. None of them partnered because I think they found their friendships more satisfying than a relationship that might come between their friends. I don’t want to give away the name of my town for anonymity.

Do you still live in the town R199? Are there still good men there? Be honest...

I signed up for Tinder after finding out it has an m4m section.

I swiped through some of the names and profiles and I don't see any matches.

I should give some a try.

I had a, shall we say, surrogate I saw on occasion but he retired; it's just as well; he taught me everything I needed to learn and he was never going to return the feelings I was starting to develop. But dear God...he gave me the BFE and has probably spoiled me for life. Felt fucking alive with him for sure.

Course, I'm watching Forensic Files; the last thing I want to do is meet someone who'll kill me.

R199 - I know the town you speak of. It’s Madison, Wisconsin. I had a friend who was from there and he told me about it. He moved to civilization at the age of 22, where I met him. Madison’s a great place if your boring and complacent. He just needed more.

^^^ you’re ****

I count myself blessed for being self-sufficient enough to take care of myself. I can't handle the stress and drama to bend over backwards for someone who doesn't appreciate me or suffocates me. I am in charge of my life and go wherever I want to go in life.

Do you all live your whole lives trapped in these fucking romance novel cliches? "The other side of life..." "Oh no! I'm over 40!!"

I'm sorry. Is it fucking 1962? Did your debutante ball not go as planned?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say r205 is single.

Sweetie, I’m in my 30s and have been lonely since before my teens.

[bold]Older Singles Have Found a New Way to Partner Up: Living Apart[bold]

I found this arrangement works for me and my partner

Yes, R206, anyone allergic to mawkish self-pity must be single.

In my twenties, I anguished for not having a partner. In therapy I learned that not being in a relationship doesn't mean your a half a person. I've had a few relationships, but today my circle of close friends are better than a one-to-one.

Go ahead and partner, but eventually one of you is going to be single again. And that's a shitty place to find yourself.

R202, great guess. It’s not Madison but it is a Big Ten school. I understand seeing your hometown as less than but in my case I moved from SF to this town. My roots are in the Midwest so it wasn’t a case of culture shock.

R208 - I've met a couple of gay couple out and about who have met at older ages, been long time partners (10 years+) and have this arrangement. Because they met usually closer to 50, both either own their own homes, or have a super rent controlled apartment for dirt cheap. I asked directly do they basically watch TV together, spend all their time together, and then just go home to their own houses. Both said yes. This seem wonderful. A little personal space before bed and in the morning, while still having the benefits of a full time, live in partner.

R213: I’m not elderly yet but just out of a long term relationship and I definitely see the appeal of this having done the cohabiting thing for years. I’d add staying the night to the mix rather than going home to your own place every night but 3-4 nights a week to yourself I can imagine helps keep the magic/novelty/specialness of seeing someone alive a bit longer than moving in together. It’s hard to resist the cohabiting when you weigh up the finances of two households vs one but if you can afford it, it’s the best approach I reckon.

I am 40 and I love having for my own space. I imagine that feeling will only get stronger with time. Being able to do what you want, when you want. I think everyone needs space, especially if you are used to it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

R215: ha yes and ‘familiarity breeds contempt’

I'd like to grow old with someone. But, it would take a very specific person in order to work, and I'm not sure if they will ever come into my life (or if they even exist).

I've done my best to be my authentic self and offer what I can of value. If they never emerge and I meant to go through my experiences solo, so be it.

I understand that as I get older (I'm 47), I get more set in my ways, and I am considered less attractive physically. I take care of myself, but I really think there is something inside of me that emanates a resistance to attracting a partner.

I look back on my life and see a lot of what I've gone through was best gone through alone, because it would have been too much for a partner to take on. So, perhaps he is on the precipice of walking into my life. But, I have been telling myself this for years.

As a person who lives with depression, I do my best to give what I can of myself to others and make the most of the day and the moment. I try not to compare myself to other people.

R213, R214 - There's also the option of separate bedrooms. My partner and I have never shared a bedroom because of sleep issues that he has. I used to resent it but, now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

.,.!

There was a time when I pursued a relationship but was never lucky. I had a demanding career that didn’t leave a lot of extra time and energy for focusing on my looks and fashion.

As I’ve grown older, I no longer want a relationship. I’ve had some health challenges and I don’t have the patience or energy for manufactured drama. Most times I just want to be left alone and cherish the ability to have some quiet and peace.

I’ve tried non-bar gay social venues, but it’s usually more of the same in a different dynamic. You can be really friendly and outgoing, but to be honest, most gay men are not very friendly unless they find you attractive or a possible sex partner. It seems strange to bump up against cliques of men in their 30s-50s, but they are there.

One benefit of COVID is that it cracked a lot of social norms and has allowed people to break with conventional expectations/behavior. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and really coming to terms with what my life is and what kind of expectations I can realistically have of the next 20-30 years.. I used to be a lot more optimistic, and that at some point things would get better.

But given many realities experienced the last few years, I’m no longer holding out for great things and focusing on charting a life of solitude and simplicity. I’m letting go of a lot of things and ideals that are either no longer relevant or a priority.

There’s a lot to be said for trying to make peace with your past, your present, and your future—to be completely honest with your past mistakes, with what you need to do/be in the present, and how to be reasonably happy in the future on your own terms. Letting go of personal ideals/dreams is difficult and sometimes terrifying, especially if you are on your own. But I’d rather be pragmatic and do the hard work now, because I’m too tired to run from the dragons if reality anymore.

*of

R217 and R220. What you both wrote really resonates with me. Hugs.

I am in my 60s and have friends both partnered and unpartnered. I don't see any correlation between happiness and partnership. In fact, the unhappiest people I know are partnered -- with people they don't like any more, with whom they no longer have nothing common, but whom they can't leave, either because they're afraid, or they're lazy, or they just don't care anymore.

Being partnered is not a recipe for happiness. Nor is being unpartnered. The two are not necessarily related, any more than having money, or looks, or any other of life's many random factors.

My own penis—a nice enough one with a big head and sexy upswing—is, incredibly, all the sexual compani i need. i’m that much in love with it and with me. cultivate your narcissistic side. bateworld can be a great help.

My favorite stripper was Compani.

I ached for someone in my life for 20 + years, then started to accept that it may not come.

I didn't change myself dramatically, but I started to think "what can I do to make things good for me if I am by myself?" and did some work on myself. Worked on healthier responses to stress, etc.

And lo and behold, I met The One about six months later.

It sounds very Oprahish, but in my case, it happened. And I am pretty damn cynical so it still surprises me.

R219 I love Ms. Moyet but wondering why you are adding this clip to every thread?

I don't put relationships on a pedestal anymore. I've had a couple, glad they're over. I'm very independent and don't like to compromise. For me it seems the liabilities outweigh the benefits.

So much of it has to do with money. If the cash is flowing, it's all grins, smiles, giggles and laffs.

No money? Sorry.

There's some reason most middle age gay men are single but no one seems to know the reason. Too high expectations I think, most want the PERFECT partner, but that doesn't exist. Grass is always greener I guess.

Most straights are married, some unhappily yes, but most are not I suspect, what's the problem with the gays?

I just kept meeting one loser after the other. Each one worse than the previous one. Then I realized that it was something about ME that was attracting the wrong people. So now I am alone and it’s not all that bad.

r229, I would argue that gay men are more comfortable embracing their own happiness and sticking to their expectations rather than getting into a relationship just because society expects and demands it. That societal pressure is stronger on the straights, women are seen as pathetic spinsters if they are still single after 40 - so they will stay in marriages that are horrific.

Also there is just a smaller gay population to work with.

Who knows - but that's my guess. We are used to society's disapproval - it's part of our conditioning.

R229 I think we're in a weird space where our ideas about love, intimacy and relationships have been shaped by romantic comedies, porn, and whatever drama was part of our parents' relationship.

What I did to make my own self happy, and open myself up for a relationship - there weren't many resources to find out how to do that and not too many gay couples as role models. Most fortysomething gay men I know are either breaking up with their husbands or have introduced an open relationship to air out the stench of bed death.

I'm lonely. Early 50s. I had a hospital thing this morning, unpleasant and difficult, there and back by myself. Home to empty apartment. My parents are dead, the family home is gone, I miss them and that life very badly. I keep thinking about the past. Oh God, terrible nostalgia.

You just get really tired of doing (almost) everything alone.

Early 50s here. Husband and I broke up 2 years ago. Then came Covid. I drank a lot more than I should and things got bad. I quit drinking and met a guy and now we're bfs and things are ok!

It's foolish to put artificial restrictions on what's possible.

How did you meet him, R234?

At AA

I'm with you r233. You get tired of being alone at times but I've always made sure to maintain my friendships. I have to have a pretty serious surgery in August and I was surprised at how many friends offered to take me and bring me home. One even wants to stay with me for a few days after but I don't want her too because I'm so used to being alone that I think she'll annoy me more than she'll help. But I am grateful for her care.

Met him online but there's nothing wrong with meeting someone at AA. R236 types jealous.

There's a way to lure plenty of gentleman callers. It takes lady charm, skills, and finding a pool of men with needs and are eager to dabble the old-fashioned way.

R238 Lá Sènatrice

R239, not r238

Oops

R233 sending you a hug. I know what you mean.

R237 The dreaded audible silence. 😥. Your comment reminded me of this beautiful but sad segment. Hope it doesn’t make you feel worse. I feel like that cat almost every day.

Weed makes everything better. That is the secret to happiness.