Humble Bragging

Shit! I just stepped on someone's gum! It will take time I don't have to scrape it off my Gucci loafer.

Who the fuck spits gum on Rodeo Drive?

Covid has affected us all so much. I needed to cheer up my friends so I charted a Boeing 787 business jet to fly in my nearest and dearest to Vegas to hang out in the The Empathy Suite in Vegas. $100k a night to help then feel human again was the least I could do.

This has been the worst day. Why is it so difficult to ship a race horse to Palm Beach? Not to mention my Jaguar. I was almost forced to rent a car once I get there. You know what you can't rent? A Jaguar E-type. Nope, you can't rent that. Luckily, I got the Thoroughbred squared away and the Jaguar looks like it will make it in time. Do I have time for this shit??

I would never humble brag. I'm far too busy working on my novel, training for my third marathon (socially distanced, of course!), and teaching myself linear algebra.

OMG, I hated algebra. I had to get a goddamned algebra tutor one year to come with us to the Amalfi Coast for the entire friggin' summer.

[quote] I'm far too busy working on my novel

Let me know when you're done. I'd love to listen to your novel.

When you're as thin as I am, it's hard to find clothes that fit!

My life is so hard. I hate it when homeless people hang out near my airplane hangar!

As a complete failure as a human being, even by my beloved mothers standards, I start ‘humble bragging’ threads in an attempt to sting my betters. I doubt it works. It’s the story of my life.

Humble Loser.

Are you okay, R9? You seems a bit overextended.

[quote] Why is it so difficult to ship a race horse to Palm Beach?

Darling, I feel for you. We found the cost so exorbitant that we’ve taken to shipping them in pairs. Can you imagine how sad? The poor little horses having to share stalls?

Look, times are tough. We're all hurting right now. I had to sell three of my polo ponies!

I'm in a swivet. My caterer just called to say she can't get grass-fed free range baby lamb chops for my "I'm COVID-free and headed to Bora Bora party." What now? I can't expect my guests to eat adolescent supermarket lamb.

It's so hard being me. No president was treated worse than me!

My mom said my port wine stain really brings out the blue in my eyes!

I'm a victim of cancel culture and I'm being silenced. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to another interview to discussed being silenced!

I admit fully my judgment was probably coloured by my tendency to be too honourable but that’s just the way it is.

THANK GOODNESS MY BELOVED MITZI HAS BEEN FOUND. I HAVE BEEN CALLING HER ALL MORNING AND THOUGHT THE POOR DEAR HAD GOTTEN LOOSE AND BEEN DOGNAPPED, OR HEAVEN FORBID, STRUCK BY AN AUTOMOBILE. THE GROUNDSKEEPER JUST CARRIED HER UP TO THE VERANDA. HE SAID HE FOUND HER IN THE CARRIAGE HOUSE SLEEPING ON ONE OF THE QUEEN ANNE SOFAS. JOEL, MY MAGNIFICENT NEIGHBOR, JUST APPEARED AS WELL, A MINUTE AFTER MY GROUNDSKEEPER. HE WAS LIKEWISE DELIGHTED TO SEE MITZI.

I WONDER HOW MITZI GAINED ENTRY INTO THE CARRIAGE HOUSE. SOMETIMES THE POOL HOUSE DOOR COMES OPEN, BUT NEVER THE CARRIAGE HOUSE. AND WHY WAS JOEL SOMEWHAT DISHEVELED. BLESS YOU ALL.

Should I consider it sexual assault when someone comments on how big my junk is?

I’ve got the trots!

Last time I had the trots it took Mr. Washee Washee several tries to get the stains out of my Nantucket Reds.

Some of my dear friends are naturally a bit concerned about being exposed to crowds when traveling ,so I have offered them the use of my personal hanger.

It's "hangar," R22.

True story, edited but it's almost word for word.

Since my divorce, things are really tight right now and my trust fund barely covers my house, car and studio. I'm afraid I'll have to get a job, I've never had one and I'll have no time to paint which will make me crazy, you have no idea what it's like to have this talent that has to get out every day, it's like slavery. Can I bum a cigarette? Yech, I hate Marlboro, but I'll smoke it.

My new custom made Tom Ford tuxedo was not ready when it was supposed to be. The store offered me a loaner for the evening and said they would stop everything and tailor it for me. WTF? If I wanted to wear an off the rack tuxedo I would have gone to Brooks Brothers.

I'm bored with cruises and bored with spas and bored with charity fundraisers. My therapist (now there's moron) thinks I'm "depressed"- but I'm just BORED!

What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover. Or get a new face.

Let's sell everything- move to New Zealand.

New Zealand is so....common.

My husband and I have been all over the world, this year we want go someplace different.

I wish I could humble-brag like you all do. When I try to do it people just laugh because they know my sense of humor.

I live n a small Midwestern town. I’m blessed.

So I ended up hooking up with this guy and his two friends, all horse hung, like 11-12 inches. Imagine my embarrassment being an inch shorter than everyone in the room. Ugh.

We had a go at this not too long ago...

I'm a victim of cancel culture - I got paid millions to leave a show because I said racist things!

It sucks being so hot! Guys use me just for sex and no one can see under my super hot exterior

So what, R32?

Did you walk into a door...again, Peitro?

My dear I’d help you run away from him, but I’m reading to the deaf at 10 and then socializing Borzois for my local chapter of the Neglected Borzois and Lipizzaner Horse Rescue Fund at Noon. No, I never carry money, but I do have Toffifay in the Hummer.

Honored and humbled to have been named one of Gold Coast Media's "30 Under 30!"

I hate it when I'm out on the town wearing sweatpants and no makeup on and someone tries to photograph me! Respect my privacy, please!

My dick is sore from fucking hot twinks all day

My hole is barking from having so much dick up there all day.

I’m not into dating apps. The last time I put up a picture I got bombarded with so many messages it stressed me out.

[quote] We had a go at this not too long ago...

Oh, I must have misplaced my Datalounge Book of Customs and Practices. I'm so sorry, R32.

I'm so sad. My hanger neighbor said he's moving to Sedona because there are too many homeless in CA. I mean, really. Now who's going to rent that hanger next to mine? And what kind of shitty private jet will they have?

^ Oh dear, Caitlyn!

Even though it's a private plane, I'm still wearing a mask.

I like your house. It’s reminds me of my second vacation home in Martha’s Vineyard.

^^ *It reminds me

For privacy reasons, I only date in Europe.

I've been told I'm the black Meryl Streep.

We loved our little condo on the beach so much we bought a second one next door for our kids to visit.

I love vacationing in the south of France because nobody knows who I am there.

I prefer to live in Brentwood, because really, Beverly Hills and Bel Air are just too rich for my blood.

I didn't get into Dartmouth or Yale, so I guess it's going to be Brown.

Any so-called "complaints" about someone's partner or spouse. Unless you're telling me he's a compulsive gambler / cheating on you, I take it as bragging.

I can't seem to find underwear that comfortably holds my genitals. Any suggestions?

R50, I have the same problems with condoms. My manhood is too large to fit in them!

It’s hard for me to watch “American Idol” because I have perfect pitch.

It only takes make 2 or 3 workouts at the gym to get ripped.

It's hard to find pants that will fit my muscular thighs

I've always had a fast metabolism. It's so hard to keep weight on.

Man, the holidays have been pig-out central. I've gained 5 pounds and my body fat percentage is up to 5.5%. If anyone needs a cliche New Year's resolution to get to the gym, it's me.

I tend to shoot a lot and quite far. I always have to warn my partner so that it doesn't hit him in the eye or on the wall above the headboard.

I'd love to do Majorca this year but I can only afford Mustique

[quote] I'd love to do Majorca this year but I can only afford Mustique

I had to use one of my precious Flames & Freaks on R58 because Mustique is more expensive than Mallorca.

Yes, I'm afraid we are in Marrakech again for the Spring and the Covid situation is grim. Not that I would know because we sit in our Riad all day, seeing only Maleek, as Khalid has forbid us to enter our own kitchen! And nobody's in town! Well Marisa is here but my dear she's not well. John's banker at Lombard Odier arranged for the vaccine in Geneva and nobody was very nice about it. I've argued with John that since we're vaccinated we could go out or order in some naughty fun, but he's obstinate. I haven't had a good routing since Hadarou in Paris in February. Hada charges 800 euros a night now, by the way. Can you imagine!

The whole thing is great, but I really chuckled at "but he's obstinate."

Someone on DL accused me of humble brag recently. I commented on someone's post, and his response to it saying "humble bag much?" I was floored. It never even occurred to me. So I ran it by a friend who knows me very well, and he awkwardly sided with the responder. "Well, ummm, you know . . . you do kinda blah blah blah."

The thing is, I was the latest of the late bloomers. I didn't come into my own until my late 40s. Everything prior to that was drenched in various layers of low self-esteem and doubt. But these days only a small handful of people know that.

And they haven't met my older brother. A chronic exaggerator since day one. Did our mom work for American Ballet Theatre in the 50s? Yes, she did, on the staff. But to hear him tell it, she was a PRINCIPAL DANCER for ABT. Did she leave her house to us in a trust when she died? Yes, she did, but to hear him tell it, he owns the house outright.

"

R62, were you the OP of the thread about only wanting to drink scotch and listen to Beethoven? (Description of OP's ennui.)

It's good that you have friends who tell it like it is. Good that you can hear the advice without going off on your friend for being honest.

r63: Nope, wasn't me.