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Let's humblebrag

I only have 40% field of vision because of my ridiculously thick eyelashes.

by Anonymousreply 14609/18/2020

I have to have the front of my trousers let out due to my rather large package.

by Anonymousreply 109/12/2020

My hair is so long and thick my arms get tired while I’m brushing it.

by Anonymousreply 209/12/2020

I don't read any books. I'm too busy writing my own.

by Anonymousreply 309/12/2020

It's hard for me to watch American idol because I have perfect pitch.

by Anonymousreply 409/12/2020

My naturally curly hair is such high maintenance. It takes a lot of work to get these glossy ringlets that people want to touch.

by Anonymousreply 509/12/2020

It's terribly difficult finding anything watchable on television when you have an IQ of 180.

by Anonymousreply 609/12/2020

It's so terrifying when all these creepy men stare at my exposed chest, 23-inch waist, and 36-inch hips in my brocade body-con dress.

by Anonymousreply 709/12/2020

I have 3 million dollars cash. Three totally paid off properties, bonds and stock. Plus I make 200k a year.

I can't sleep at night all that won't even cover my toilette paper budget for retirement.

by Anonymousreply 809/12/2020

Well you know what they say, nothing certain in life except death and taxes. I don’t have a problem with either, even though the dividends in my portfolio consistently push me into the highest tax bracket. Sigh.... What can you do?

by Anonymousreply 909/12/2020

It took me a lot longer than I thought it would to earn my first million.

by Anonymousreply 1009/12/2020

I'm not particularly healthy, but my resting heart rate has always been in the low 50s. Genetics...

by Anonymousreply 1109/12/2020

It gets exhausting dealing with so much unwanted attention, you have no idea.

by Anonymousreply 1209/13/2020

Honestly, if I get carded one more time trying to buy liquor...I will lose my shit. Also, it's a fight just to get my rightful senior discount, EVERY TIME at Joanne's!

by Anonymousreply 1309/13/2020

I can’t believe that Harvard is forcing me to attend online courses this semester.

by Anonymousreply 1409/13/2020

Coronavirus is hitting my business hard! I'll be lucky if I only make $7.5 million this year.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 1509/13/2020

I have trouble buying pants that don't look stupid on me because I have no ass but a huge dick.

by Anonymousreply 1609/13/2020

it’s such a relief to no longer have to run four houses.

by Anonymousreply 1709/13/2020

I have to say I'm dreading my 30th birthday.

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by Anonymousreply 1809/13/2020

It's so hard finding clothes that fit. Sometimes I have to shop in the children's department!

by Anonymousreply 1909/13/2020

My snatch is as tight as a drum still

by Anonymousreply 2009/13/2020

I have so many friends who invite me to so many parties and events I can't ever seem to have time for myself!

by Anonymousreply 2109/13/2020

I was finally able to send the Dominican orgy away this morning because we ran out of meth. One of them was graceful enough to bring back Starbucks for me and I’m so grateful the weekend doorman was discreet, and none of them stole anything on the way out, and my Jewish grandmother roommate with her name on the lease didn’t come home early!

by Anonymousreply 2209/13/2020

My farts are so loud, they shatter glass

by Anonymousreply 2309/13/2020

"I had to buy a tux to wear to all the events I'm invited to." Direct quote from a tosser I was once interested in dating. Until the morning that shit came out of his precious mouth.

by Anonymousreply 2409/13/2020

It's impossible going to Central Park these days with all of the people that refuse to wear masks. I have to settle for looking at the park from my 2,000 square foot terrace at the Beresford.

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by Anonymousreply 2509/13/2020

"Every day is such an unbearable burden, to go through it with not just white privilege, but rich, white, extremely good looking privilege. I feel so guilty."

by Anonymousreply 2609/13/2020

it's difficult knowing whether guys like me for me or my 7.999 inch BIG mushroom head THICK penis.

by Anonymousreply 2709/13/2020

My whole childhood I had the burden of being my mom's favorite.

by Anonymousreply 2809/13/2020

It's so difficult for me to find men who can handle my enormous cock.

by Anonymousreply 2909/13/2020

I'm so embarrassed that Chris Evans leaked my dick pic.

by Anonymousreply 3009/13/2020

I'm versatile and out of the closet, but if Shawn comes over again and begs me to fuck him, I'll be a understanding and generous and do it. Even if he's not my type.

by Anonymousreply 3109/13/2020

You’re so lucky you’re not on the A list!

by Anonymousreply 3209/13/2020

I eat and eat and I just can't gain weight. I've had speedy metabolism my whole life! (SIGH).

by Anonymousreply 3309/13/2020

"Winning the EGOT this early in my career deprives me of incentives for further greatness."

by Anonymousreply 3409/13/2020

Love in the bushes Bramble Hug

by Anonymousreply 3509/13/2020

What I was growing up I didn't know I had a big dick. I just thought everyone else was really really small.

by Anonymousreply 3609/13/2020

I never got to be single. I moved from my parents' house, into my husband's house.

by Anonymousreply 3709/13/2020

I wish I could make regular friends more easily, but we tend to hang out with each other because only other celebrities truly understand the burdens of fame.

by Anonymousreply 3809/13/2020

It’s really not as much as you might think, after paying the taxes, agents, managers, accountants, lawyers, security people, personal assistants household staff and whatnot.

by Anonymousreply 3909/13/2020

Yes, it’s a lot of house, but what’s really frustrating is how little time I actually get to spend in it. I don’t know why I bother owning houses.

by Anonymousreply 4009/13/2020

Of course it’s great fun being loaned fabulous jewels by Harry Winston, Bulgari, Chopard and the like, but they expect them back in the morning, so just as you’ve gotten used to the weight, off they go. You never feel anything is yours.

by Anonymousreply 4109/13/2020

I hope you don’t mind the Lambo. The Bugatti’s in the shop AGAIN.

by Anonymousreply 4209/13/2020

“Where do you go to school?”

“In Boston.”

by Anonymousreply 4309/13/2020

I love having three kids, but it's so hard to find a decent four bedroom apartment.

by Anonymousreply 4409/13/2020

The downside of being extremely intelligent is having to stifle the urge to correct all the stupid things you hear people say.

by Anonymousreply 4509/13/2020

I’m so sorry the children won’t be able to enjoy the pool, but it’s been covered over in preparation for a party I have to throw this weekend for the Queen of Belgium.

by Anonymousreply 4609/13/2020

I suppose a chalet on the slopes is convenient, but the silly thing is I don’t even ski since the accident in Gstaad.

by Anonymousreply 4709/13/2020

Was so hard to redesign Rose Garden.

by Anonymousreply 4809/13/2020

Scruff crashes for me because I get too many messages and woofs.

by Anonymousreply 4909/13/2020

R27 a big mushroom head is nothing to brag about. That makes for ugly dicks.

by Anonymousreply 5009/13/2020

I've been so busy, what with my international best seller and my company going public.

by Anonymousreply 5109/13/2020

I’m so sexy & handsome, straight men can’t resist me

by Anonymousreply 5209/13/2020

"My nephews just can't seem to find themselves. They're both just acting in soap operas at the moment."

by Anonymousreply 5309/13/2020

I was hoping, in my heart and silently because I didn't want to let everyone with the film down, that I wouldn't win another Oscar. Seeing that desperation in people's eyes is so sad. I hate being even innocently associated with their feeling like useless losers.

by Anonymousreply 5409/13/2020

I try to be there for younger guys to serve as a mentor, but they always want the relationship to be more physical.

by Anonymousreply 5509/13/2020

You're so lucky not ever to have had a boyfriend, Effie. You can go home and eat anything you want without considering what the other person in the house wants.

by Anonymousreply 5609/13/2020

I don't care about jewelry and would rather have the money go to charity, but Bob loves to see me dressed up.

by Anonymousreply 5709/13/2020

My cock isn't all that big. It just looks that way because I'm so lean.

by Anonymousreply 5809/13/2020

I’m authorized to post on the Datalounge.

by Anonymousreply 5909/13/2020

I wouldn’t be caught dead watching any of my films.

by Anonymousreply 6009/13/2020

Do you think it’s fun always being the hottest guy in the room?

by Anonymousreply 6109/13/2020

I have to wear boxer briefs because of my large testicles. Anything tighter and it's painful.

by Anonymousreply 6209/13/2020

"I'm the greatest British South Asian actor in the world, the hottest too! Don't forget, I went to Oxford!"

by Anonymousreply 6309/14/2020

I didn't attend McCain's funeral because I hated being the smartest in the room.

by Anonymousreply 6409/14/2020

I ate at Olive Garden last night.

by Anonymousreply 6509/14/2020

Welcome to my tiny beach cottage. I hope that 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms won't feel too cramped to you.

by Anonymousreply 6609/14/2020

Bartender in 1998. The gay dance club had their annual photo shoot and the photographer took a liking to me while shooting the entire bar staff of extremely hot guys. An entire roll had been overexposed, so all they had to work with for the year were photos of ME.

It quickly became an embarrassment of riches. I was like a gay Brad Pitt- and dreaded opening the gay newspapers every week and a full page of ME looking back. The jealousy and hostility ran high with the other bartenders as well.

After being on the cover of an international gay guide magazine, being told by a cute young twins that “I was nothing like what he thought I’d be”.

by Anonymousreply 6709/14/2020

Ugh, the men in this city. I've already had them all.

by Anonymousreply 6809/14/2020

I'm having such a rough day. I got nails in 2 of my car tires and I'm stuck waiting for the repair guy to get here. The Rolls Royce concierge service just isn't what it used to be.

by Anonymousreply 6909/14/2020

"Ugh, the men in this city. I've already had them all."

Your dedication to being the town cum dump is admirable.

Wait, what game are we playing?

by Anonymousreply 7009/14/2020

"The downside of serving up so much trans realness is that you can never be clocked -- honey, NOBODY has any idea! -- so you have to be careful winding up with that one percent of hot straight men that don't like dick."

by Anonymousreply 7109/14/2020

All my new neighbors hate me I’m afraid, but having the largest mansion in town has been my goal for the last 6 year that it took to build it.

by Anonymousreply 7209/14/2020

Yeah it's true, I was too lazy to make Harvard Law Review, but I was pretty distracted during fashion weeks walking the runways.

by Anonymousreply 7309/14/2020

I prefer Houghton over Buckingham.

by Anonymousreply 7409/14/2020

My husband won't let me work because it makes him feel like a real man to provide for me.

by Anonymousreply 7509/14/2020

R75 not to brag, but that’s my life. I’m a full time student though.

by Anonymousreply 7609/14/2020

You're lucky you grew up among such colorful characters. Swiss boarding school was such a bore.

by Anonymousreply 7709/14/2020

How fabulous! First time I have ever been in the front seat.

by Anonymousreply 7809/14/2020

Could you explain to me again about how commercial flying works again? Everybody is assigned a seat? Why? Why not let everyone sit where they want? People are always flitting around the cabin socializing in any case. Who wants to sit in one chair the whole trip?

by Anonymousreply 7909/14/2020

A few weeks ago I remembered how to write a check as I paid for my new car. The dealer told me how much I'd have to pay and I wrote the check for the amount. Haggling is such a waste if time.

by Anonymousreply 8009/14/2020

Guys tell me I'm sexy, but I don't believe them.

by Anonymousreply 8109/14/2020

I know what you’re saying, R80. I always think, “We’ll, if I’ve paid ‘too much,” think of it as a nice tip.”

by Anonymousreply 8209/14/2020

R75 good grief you've reminded me off my one disastrous runway walk. Im so excruciatingly terrible at public displays and modelling.

by Anonymousreply 8309/14/2020

Well, naturally I'd like to fly commercial, but unfortunately I can't because of security concerns about my family.

by Anonymousreply 8409/14/2020

You're so lucky! It's so hard t find clothes in a size 0.

by Anonymousreply 8509/14/2020

Balmoral is such a drafty place. I’d rather stay in a hotel, but the Prince won’t hear of it.

by Anonymousreply 8609/14/2020

My Mandarin is only passable, I’m afraid.

by Anonymousreply 8709/14/2020

I'm surprised I could keep up with you. I've never skied on ice before.

by Anonymousreply 8809/15/2020

I get a lot of free clothes from my fashion industry friends because I'm runway sample size.

by Anonymousreply 8909/15/2020

As expected, some of you don't know how to humblebrag. I can never catch on to the trends, either, but Gwyneth showed us all how to do it one night on The Eos.

by Anonymousreply 9009/15/2020

I can't stand having movie star looks with all the strangers asking for an autograph and anonymous notes left on my windshield with people leaving their phone numbers . I'm almost envious of ordinary looking people.

by Anonymousreply 9109/15/2020

It is so hard getting good help these days. My bad luck that I have four properties to staff. Finding the right wine steward for the chalet in Switzerland during the ski season is simply a nightmare!

by Anonymousreply 9209/15/2020

I'm just so crazy busy! It's really hard to check in on IG all the time to see what my followers are saying about me!

by Anonymousreply 9309/15/2020

This self isolation situation is crazy. I'm alone most of the time, but I suppose I actually need it. My publisher is hounding me for my draft.

by Anonymousreply 9409/15/2020

My marriage is a lot of hard work.

by Anonymousreply 9509/15/2020

I thought by the time I hit 50 I'd no longer have all this hair to worry about, but here I am, STILL with this full head of thick hair that I have to comb and style every day!

by Anonymousreply 9609/15/2020

my penis is as thick as a cypress tree and as long as a cubit. My foreskin has sheltered an immigrant family for a few nights. And my bubble butt is of renown.

by Anonymousreply 9709/15/2020

97 another one who doesn't get humblebrags. But who am I to point fingers, I can't seem to crack the Collatz Conjecture.

by Anonymousreply 9809/15/2020

I admire so much those who become successful by pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps. I was robbed of the opportunity of experiencing that kind of success by being the beneficiary of a family trust. Everything came too easily for me.

by Anonymousreply 9909/15/2020

I wish I were more fluent in French. If I'm speaking in Paris, after about twenty minutes, I will make a mistake and they will suddenly realize I'm not French.

by Anonymousreply 10009/15/2020

I never get invited to the Martha's Vineyard summer parties anymore.

by Anonymousreply 10109/15/2020

Sure, it’s a promotion, but I don’t really like giving orders, especially to people who used to be my peers or even my bosses.

by Anonymousreply 10209/15/2020

Same here, R91. I often wish I were shorter and less attractive.

by Anonymousreply 10309/15/2020

I feel responsible when my followers say stupid shit.

by Anonymousreply 10409/15/2020

I am perfect. It's very hard for me when other people realize it.

by Anonymousreply 10509/15/2020

I acted for the money until I didn't have to.

by Anonymousreply 10609/15/2020

This house is so big, I can barely afford to heat it.

by Anonymousreply 10709/16/2020

I find it so hard to deal with other people's jealousy. People are just so mean!

by Anonymousreply 10809/16/2020

Friend: No matter how much I eat, I just can't put weight on.

Me: Maybe you have cancer?

by Anonymousreply 10909/16/2020

The damn California sun and my Paul Newman blue eyes just don't see eye to eye. Thank the goddess for my Tom Ford shades.

by Anonymousreply 11009/16/2020

I'm gorgeous and rich. Doctor says I'm quite fit! Look great for my age. Living my best life. Pity about you.

(Am I doing this correctly? Yes, Rose.)

by Anonymousreply 11109/17/2020

R91 I have a friend who's just too good looking for his own good. It really is a blessing and a curse all at once. It is a burden because people do come up to him, and he does turn heads. It's constant and unsolicited attention on him in public.

by Anonymousreply 11209/17/2020

OMG! Whenever our family would pull our 150M boat into Portofino, and Dad would make the crew line up on deck in their white uniforms, I was so humiliated by such a vulgar display of weath, I wanted to crawl under one of the perfectly polished teak deck chairs.

by Anonymousreply 11309/17/2020

I'm immortal but like.... the good kind where I never age and always look 25.

by Anonymousreply 11409/17/2020

NEWSFLASH - there has to be a "humble" along with the brag. 25% of you do not seem to get this point. Even I get it, and I never earned higher than a Gentleman's C at Harvard.

by Anonymousreply 11509/17/2020

I married into the Royal Family, and now I have a $14 million house in Momtecito, California, and I didn't have to lift a goddamned finger for those awful Brits.

by Anonymousreply 11609/17/2020

God, it's such a pain in the ass to have to get my wallet out all the time when I get carded.

by Anonymousreply 11709/17/2020

I have to buy a new vacuum cleaner every year. They wear out fast from high mileage because my house is so freaking huge.

by Anonymousreply 11809/17/2020

R116 honey that's not a humble brag. What don't you get?

by Anonymousreply 11909/17/2020

I spend so much on gas. I have to buy premium gas because I have an expensive, luxury sportscar.

by Anonymousreply 12009/17/2020

A humblebrag is when you try to disguise your brag as a complaint.

by Anonymousreply 12109/17/2020

Having a $14 million house in Montecito is a drag. There are mudslides here. Changing diapers is a nightmare. My husband is a dimwit. I want out!

by Anonymousreply 12209/17/2020

R121 yes that is one kind. And another is when you express humility but its false and comes with brag. R122 yes better if laying it on kind of thick :)

by Anonymousreply 12309/17/2020

Like this. "I'm feel blessed that I have kept working. I've never really been a brilliant artist. 7 Oscar nominations but I never win." - Glenn Close

by Anonymousreply 12409/17/2020

R122–leave out the price. Too explicit. “Montecito” is enough. Also, the complaints need to be connected to the brag.

Brag disguised as complaint:

“If I’d known how much time I’d have to spend on the roofs with a hose, I’d never have bought an estate with so many buildings.”

Brag disguised as humility:

“Whenever I speak Russian in Moscow, all my friends laugh because they say my accent is very Minsk.”

by Anonymousreply 12509/17/2020

The worst thing about my promotion is that I never get out of my private office. I used to wander all over the campus for meetings and visits, but now everyone comes to me.

by Anonymousreply 12609/17/2020

I feel guilty not having to wear a mask when I fly in my private jet, it must be terrible stuck in first class, muzzled with bad food.

by Anonymousreply 12709/17/2020

It's always awkward trying to remember the names of new members of my household staff, so I've had Carson send my assistant emails with their photos but since I'm on the road so much, she doesn't always get them to me in time--you know how spotty WiFi is on the newer Learjets.

by Anonymousreply 12809/17/2020

I just read R118 and feel so ignorant. What's a vacuum cleaner? Is it those noisy things I can hear my staff using 20 rooms away?

by Anonymousreply 12909/17/2020

I recently went to South Sudan, which is the youngest country in the world in east Africa with the United Nations Children's Fund. I do a little bit of work with them, try to spread the word as best I can. It's a terrible situation happening for children. The nightmare is about arms dealing, and there are far too many arms going into South Sudan. There's a curfew at 6 p.m. every night because humanitarian aid workers have to be inside so its safe by 6. And one night we were having a bite to eat at the canteen where we were staying. And a group of young men and women tottered over to the table and we were all having what they call a dirty beer in humanitarian language. And there were a group of Medstar sans-frontier doctors and nurses, and they wanted to say hello cause during the shelling the previous month, they had bingewatched the Night Manager. The idea that I could provide--that we could provide--some relief and entertainment for the people who work for Unicef and other volunteers who are fixing the world where it is broken made me immensely proud.

by Anonymousreply 13009/17/2020

Consuela! What’s a vacuum cleaner?

by Anonymousreply 13109/17/2020

"UGH, I wish I knew more civilians. I'm so over above-the-title friends!"

by Anonymousreply 13209/17/2020

"All this racial strife has me feeling rather discombobulated. I hardly even know how one disciplines their domestic staff anymore."

by Anonymousreply 13309/17/2020

I am currently looking at this post on a gay group on Facebook: "Would you date a guy who's obsessed with hung dudes if you're ok hung? The sex is great but I worry I may not be enough for him."

by Anonymousreply 13409/17/2020

I can't relate to most of the thing posted by the old men on here because I was born in 1998

by Anonymousreply 13509/17/2020

I feel so ignorant when R135 posts things about his relative youth because I was born ten years after him.

by Anonymousreply 13609/17/2020

I hardly ever bottom but it excites men so much when I do, I relent.

by Anonymousreply 13709/17/2020

R97 - “ my penis is as thick as a cypress tree and as long as a cubit. My foreskin has sheltered an immigrant family for a few nights. And my bubble butt is of renown.”

Woah there nelly..... I stopped reading at “foreskin”.

by Anonymousreply 13809/17/2020

Yeah, the foreskin basically renders everything positive null and void unless it's like you don't have any when you're hard.

by Anonymousreply 13909/17/2020

It's so hard to find XL condoms!

by Anonymousreply 14009/17/2020

My boyfriend is always complaining that my dick is too big to fit in his asshole.

by Anonymousreply 14109/18/2020

I’m sorry you were trolled by people who disagreed with your comments on why you can’t serve customers who fail to observe the state’s mask and social distancing requirements. I, too, am getting very disillusioned with LinkedIn. When did it go from being a professional networking site to a dating site? I’m bombarded with messages from men I don’t even know who want to go out with me!

(The above was written by an office manager whose instagram-filtered LinkedIn profile photo features her collagen-injected lips in a come-hither pout, eyes half closed, hair flying about her face.)

by Anonymousreply 14209/18/2020

We've decided to have a small, intimate wedding with only close friends and family, but how do you whittle the list down to 100 without hurting people's feelings?

by Anonymousreply 14309/18/2020

My new Bentley Bentayga is the hybrid model so I feel really good aabout helping the environment!

by Anonymousreply 14409/18/2020

I’m so glad we installed solar panels on our new roof to save electricity and help the environment. It’s not easy heating our 50,000 sq ft house in Holmby Hills CA.

by Anonymousreply 14509/18/2020

Pretty much anyone who's bitching about their spouses (unless it's some real dirt) is humble-bragging (i.e., look at me - I'm married!).

Real dirt: fucks around, broke (no money), etc.

by Anonymousreply 14609/18/2020
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