Let's humblebrag

I have to have the front of my trousers let out due to my rather large package.

My hair is so long and thick my arms get tired while I’m brushing it.

I don't read any books. I'm too busy writing my own.

It's hard for me to watch American idol because I have perfect pitch.

My naturally curly hair is such high maintenance. It takes a lot of work to get these glossy ringlets that people want to touch.

It's terribly difficult finding anything watchable on television when you have an IQ of 180.

It's so terrifying when all these creepy men stare at my exposed chest, 23-inch waist, and 36-inch hips in my brocade body-con dress.

I have 3 million dollars cash. Three totally paid off properties, bonds and stock. Plus I make 200k a year.

I can't sleep at night all that won't even cover my toilette paper budget for retirement.

Well you know what they say, nothing certain in life except death and taxes. I don’t have a problem with either, even though the dividends in my portfolio consistently push me into the highest tax bracket. Sigh.... What can you do?

It took me a lot longer than I thought it would to earn my first million.

I'm not particularly healthy, but my resting heart rate has always been in the low 50s. Genetics...

It gets exhausting dealing with so much unwanted attention, you have no idea.

Honestly, if I get carded one more time trying to buy liquor...I will lose my shit. Also, it's a fight just to get my rightful senior discount, EVERY TIME at Joanne's!

I can’t believe that Harvard is forcing me to attend online courses this semester.

Coronavirus is hitting my business hard! I'll be lucky if I only make $7.5 million this year.

I have trouble buying pants that don't look stupid on me because I have no ass but a huge dick.

it’s such a relief to no longer have to run four houses.

I have to say I'm dreading my 30th birthday.

It's so hard finding clothes that fit. Sometimes I have to shop in the children's department!

My snatch is as tight as a drum still

I have so many friends who invite me to so many parties and events I can't ever seem to have time for myself!

I was finally able to send the Dominican orgy away this morning because we ran out of meth. One of them was graceful enough to bring back Starbucks for me and I’m so grateful the weekend doorman was discreet, and none of them stole anything on the way out, and my Jewish grandmother roommate with her name on the lease didn’t come home early!

My farts are so loud, they shatter glass

"I had to buy a tux to wear to all the events I'm invited to." Direct quote from a tosser I was once interested in dating. Until the morning that shit came out of his precious mouth.

It's impossible going to Central Park these days with all of the people that refuse to wear masks. I have to settle for looking at the park from my 2,000 square foot terrace at the Beresford.

"Every day is such an unbearable burden, to go through it with not just white privilege, but rich, white, extremely good looking privilege. I feel so guilty."

it's difficult knowing whether guys like me for me or my 7.999 inch BIG mushroom head THICK penis.

My whole childhood I had the burden of being my mom's favorite.

It's so difficult for me to find men who can handle my enormous cock.

I'm so embarrassed that Chris Evans leaked my dick pic.

I'm versatile and out of the closet, but if Shawn comes over again and begs me to fuck him, I'll be a understanding and generous and do it. Even if he's not my type.

You’re so lucky you’re not on the A list!

I eat and eat and I just can't gain weight. I've had speedy metabolism my whole life! (SIGH).

"Winning the EGOT this early in my career deprives me of incentives for further greatness."

Love in the bushes Bramble Hug

What I was growing up I didn't know I had a big dick. I just thought everyone else was really really small.

I never got to be single. I moved from my parents' house, into my husband's house.

I wish I could make regular friends more easily, but we tend to hang out with each other because only other celebrities truly understand the burdens of fame.

It’s really not as much as you might think, after paying the taxes, agents, managers, accountants, lawyers, security people, personal assistants household staff and whatnot.

Yes, it’s a lot of house, but what’s really frustrating is how little time I actually get to spend in it. I don’t know why I bother owning houses.

Of course it’s great fun being loaned fabulous jewels by Harry Winston, Bulgari, Chopard and the like, but they expect them back in the morning, so just as you’ve gotten used to the weight, off they go. You never feel anything is yours.

I hope you don’t mind the Lambo. The Bugatti’s in the shop AGAIN.

“Where do you go to school?”

“In Boston.”

I love having three kids, but it's so hard to find a decent four bedroom apartment.

The downside of being extremely intelligent is having to stifle the urge to correct all the stupid things you hear people say.

I’m so sorry the children won’t be able to enjoy the pool, but it’s been covered over in preparation for a party I have to throw this weekend for the Queen of Belgium.

I suppose a chalet on the slopes is convenient, but the silly thing is I don’t even ski since the accident in Gstaad.

Was so hard to redesign Rose Garden.

Scruff crashes for me because I get too many messages and woofs.

R27 a big mushroom head is nothing to brag about. That makes for ugly dicks.

I've been so busy, what with my international best seller and my company going public.

I’m so sexy & handsome, straight men can’t resist me

"My nephews just can't seem to find themselves. They're both just acting in soap operas at the moment."

I was hoping, in my heart and silently because I didn't want to let everyone with the film down, that I wouldn't win another Oscar. Seeing that desperation in people's eyes is so sad. I hate being even innocently associated with their feeling like useless losers.

I try to be there for younger guys to serve as a mentor, but they always want the relationship to be more physical.

You're so lucky not ever to have had a boyfriend, Effie. You can go home and eat anything you want without considering what the other person in the house wants.

I don't care about jewelry and would rather have the money go to charity, but Bob loves to see me dressed up.

My cock isn't all that big. It just looks that way because I'm so lean.

I’m authorized to post on the Datalounge.

I wouldn’t be caught dead watching any of my films.

Do you think it’s fun always being the hottest guy in the room?

I have to wear boxer briefs because of my large testicles. Anything tighter and it's painful.

"I'm the greatest British South Asian actor in the world, the hottest too! Don't forget, I went to Oxford!"

I didn't attend McCain's funeral because I hated being the smartest in the room.

I ate at Olive Garden last night.

Welcome to my tiny beach cottage. I hope that 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms won't feel too cramped to you.

Bartender in 1998. The gay dance club had their annual photo shoot and the photographer took a liking to me while shooting the entire bar staff of extremely hot guys. An entire roll had been overexposed, so all they had to work with for the year were photos of ME.

It quickly became an embarrassment of riches. I was like a gay Brad Pitt- and dreaded opening the gay newspapers every week and a full page of ME looking back. The jealousy and hostility ran high with the other bartenders as well.

After being on the cover of an international gay guide magazine, being told by a cute young twins that “I was nothing like what he thought I’d be”.

Ugh, the men in this city. I've already had them all.

I'm having such a rough day. I got nails in 2 of my car tires and I'm stuck waiting for the repair guy to get here. The Rolls Royce concierge service just isn't what it used to be.

"Ugh, the men in this city. I've already had them all."

Your dedication to being the town cum dump is admirable.

Wait, what game are we playing?

"The downside of serving up so much trans realness is that you can never be clocked -- honey, NOBODY has any idea! -- so you have to be careful winding up with that one percent of hot straight men that don't like dick."

All my new neighbors hate me I’m afraid, but having the largest mansion in town has been my goal for the last 6 year that it took to build it.

Yeah it's true, I was too lazy to make Harvard Law Review, but I was pretty distracted during fashion weeks walking the runways.

I prefer Houghton over Buckingham.

My husband won't let me work because it makes him feel like a real man to provide for me.

R75 not to brag, but that’s my life. I’m a full time student though.

You're lucky you grew up among such colorful characters. Swiss boarding school was such a bore.

How fabulous! First time I have ever been in the front seat.

Could you explain to me again about how commercial flying works again? Everybody is assigned a seat? Why? Why not let everyone sit where they want? People are always flitting around the cabin socializing in any case. Who wants to sit in one chair the whole trip?

A few weeks ago I remembered how to write a check as I paid for my new car. The dealer told me how much I'd have to pay and I wrote the check for the amount. Haggling is such a waste if time.

Guys tell me I'm sexy, but I don't believe them.

I know what you’re saying, R80. I always think, “We’ll, if I’ve paid ‘too much,” think of it as a nice tip.”

R75 good grief you've reminded me off my one disastrous runway walk. Im so excruciatingly terrible at public displays and modelling.

Well, naturally I'd like to fly commercial, but unfortunately I can't because of security concerns about my family.

You're so lucky! It's so hard t find clothes in a size 0.

Balmoral is such a drafty place. I’d rather stay in a hotel, but the Prince won’t hear of it.

My Mandarin is only passable, I’m afraid.

I'm surprised I could keep up with you. I've never skied on ice before.

I get a lot of free clothes from my fashion industry friends because I'm runway sample size.

As expected, some of you don't know how to humblebrag. I can never catch on to the trends, either, but Gwyneth showed us all how to do it one night on The Eos.

I can't stand having movie star looks with all the strangers asking for an autograph and anonymous notes left on my windshield with people leaving their phone numbers . I'm almost envious of ordinary looking people.

It is so hard getting good help these days. My bad luck that I have four properties to staff. Finding the right wine steward for the chalet in Switzerland during the ski season is simply a nightmare!

I'm just so crazy busy! It's really hard to check in on IG all the time to see what my followers are saying about me!

This self isolation situation is crazy. I'm alone most of the time, but I suppose I actually need it. My publisher is hounding me for my draft.

My marriage is a lot of hard work.

I thought by the time I hit 50 I'd no longer have all this hair to worry about, but here I am, STILL with this full head of thick hair that I have to comb and style every day!

my penis is as thick as a cypress tree and as long as a cubit. My foreskin has sheltered an immigrant family for a few nights. And my bubble butt is of renown.

97 another one who doesn't get humblebrags. But who am I to point fingers, I can't seem to crack the Collatz Conjecture.

I admire so much those who become successful by pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps. I was robbed of the opportunity of experiencing that kind of success by being the beneficiary of a family trust. Everything came too easily for me.

I wish I were more fluent in French. If I'm speaking in Paris, after about twenty minutes, I will make a mistake and they will suddenly realize I'm not French.

I never get invited to the Martha's Vineyard summer parties anymore.

Sure, it’s a promotion, but I don’t really like giving orders, especially to people who used to be my peers or even my bosses.

Same here, R91. I often wish I were shorter and less attractive.

I feel responsible when my followers say stupid shit.

I am perfect. It's very hard for me when other people realize it.

I acted for the money until I didn't have to.

This house is so big, I can barely afford to heat it.

I find it so hard to deal with other people's jealousy. People are just so mean!

Friend: No matter how much I eat, I just can't put weight on.

Me: Maybe you have cancer?

The damn California sun and my Paul Newman blue eyes just don't see eye to eye. Thank the goddess for my Tom Ford shades.

I'm gorgeous and rich. Doctor says I'm quite fit! Look great for my age. Living my best life. Pity about you.

(Am I doing this correctly? Yes, Rose.)

R91 I have a friend who's just too good looking for his own good. It really is a blessing and a curse all at once. It is a burden because people do come up to him, and he does turn heads. It's constant and unsolicited attention on him in public.

OMG! Whenever our family would pull our 150M boat into Portofino, and Dad would make the crew line up on deck in their white uniforms, I was so humiliated by such a vulgar display of weath, I wanted to crawl under one of the perfectly polished teak deck chairs.

I'm immortal but like.... the good kind where I never age and always look 25.

NEWSFLASH - there has to be a "humble" along with the brag. 25% of you do not seem to get this point. Even I get it, and I never earned higher than a Gentleman's C at Harvard.

I married into the Royal Family, and now I have a $14 million house in Momtecito, California, and I didn't have to lift a goddamned finger for those awful Brits.

God, it's such a pain in the ass to have to get my wallet out all the time when I get carded.

I have to buy a new vacuum cleaner every year. They wear out fast from high mileage because my house is so freaking huge.

R116 honey that's not a humble brag. What don't you get?

I spend so much on gas. I have to buy premium gas because I have an expensive, luxury sportscar.

A humblebrag is when you try to disguise your brag as a complaint.

Having a $14 million house in Montecito is a drag. There are mudslides here. Changing diapers is a nightmare. My husband is a dimwit. I want out!

R121 yes that is one kind. And another is when you express humility but its false and comes with brag. R122 yes better if laying it on kind of thick :)

Like this. "I'm feel blessed that I have kept working. I've never really been a brilliant artist. 7 Oscar nominations but I never win." - Glenn Close

R122–leave out the price. Too explicit. “Montecito” is enough. Also, the complaints need to be connected to the brag.

Brag disguised as complaint:

“If I’d known how much time I’d have to spend on the roofs with a hose, I’d never have bought an estate with so many buildings.”

Brag disguised as humility:

“Whenever I speak Russian in Moscow, all my friends laugh because they say my accent is very Minsk.”

The worst thing about my promotion is that I never get out of my private office. I used to wander all over the campus for meetings and visits, but now everyone comes to me.

I feel guilty not having to wear a mask when I fly in my private jet, it must be terrible stuck in first class, muzzled with bad food.

It's always awkward trying to remember the names of new members of my household staff, so I've had Carson send my assistant emails with their photos but since I'm on the road so much, she doesn't always get them to me in time--you know how spotty WiFi is on the newer Learjets.

I just read R118 and feel so ignorant. What's a vacuum cleaner? Is it those noisy things I can hear my staff using 20 rooms away?

I recently went to South Sudan, which is the youngest country in the world in east Africa with the United Nations Children's Fund. I do a little bit of work with them, try to spread the word as best I can. It's a terrible situation happening for children. The nightmare is about arms dealing, and there are far too many arms going into South Sudan. There's a curfew at 6 p.m. every night because humanitarian aid workers have to be inside so its safe by 6. And one night we were having a bite to eat at the canteen where we were staying. And a group of young men and women tottered over to the table and we were all having what they call a dirty beer in humanitarian language. And there were a group of Medstar sans-frontier doctors and nurses, and they wanted to say hello cause during the shelling the previous month, they had bingewatched the Night Manager. The idea that I could provide--that we could provide--some relief and entertainment for the people who work for Unicef and other volunteers who are fixing the world where it is broken made me immensely proud.

Consuela! What’s a vacuum cleaner?

"UGH, I wish I knew more civilians. I'm so over above-the-title friends!"

"All this racial strife has me feeling rather discombobulated. I hardly even know how one disciplines their domestic staff anymore."

I am currently looking at this post on a gay group on Facebook: "Would you date a guy who's obsessed with hung dudes if you're ok hung? The sex is great but I worry I may not be enough for him."

I can't relate to most of the thing posted by the old men on here because I was born in 1998

I feel so ignorant when R135 posts things about his relative youth because I was born ten years after him.

I hardly ever bottom but it excites men so much when I do, I relent.

R97 - “ my penis is as thick as a cypress tree and as long as a cubit. My foreskin has sheltered an immigrant family for a few nights. And my bubble butt is of renown.”

Woah there nelly..... I stopped reading at “foreskin”.

Yeah, the foreskin basically renders everything positive null and void unless it's like you don't have any when you're hard.

It's so hard to find XL condoms!

My boyfriend is always complaining that my dick is too big to fit in his asshole.

I’m sorry you were trolled by people who disagreed with your comments on why you can’t serve customers who fail to observe the state’s mask and social distancing requirements. I, too, am getting very disillusioned with LinkedIn. When did it go from being a professional networking site to a dating site? I’m bombarded with messages from men I don’t even know who want to go out with me!

(The above was written by an office manager whose instagram-filtered LinkedIn profile photo features her collagen-injected lips in a come-hither pout, eyes half closed, hair flying about her face.)

We've decided to have a small, intimate wedding with only close friends and family, but how do you whittle the list down to 100 without hurting people's feelings?

My new Bentley Bentayga is the hybrid model so I feel really good aabout helping the environment!

I’m so glad we installed solar panels on our new roof to save electricity and help the environment. It’s not easy heating our 50,000 sq ft house in Holmby Hills CA.

Pretty much anyone who's bitching about their spouses (unless it's some real dirt) is humble-bragging (i.e., look at me - I'm married!).

Real dirt: fucks around, broke (no money), etc.