Things straight men do to not be mistaken as gay

Apparently, not practicing basic hygiene when it comes to wiping their own asses after using the toilet.

(Seriously--I can link to documented evidence online.)

saying "dude" alot

Not kissing before or after giving each other blowjobs.

Gay guy here, I do this all the time OP but just because I want my elbow room and I'm horribly claustrophobic.

Constantly grabbing the waist of and hugging their wives or girlfriends in any public setting that’s more feminine, department stores, coffee shops, boutiques etc.

Mentioning wife or GF fifteen seconds after realizing you’re geigh.

Pretending in conversations to not really know or only have vague recollections of major unavoidable Pop Culture facts, to the point of completely derailing a basic group conversation: “What? Who? Dustin Timberbake? Who’s that? Was he a baseball player? Oh yeah, maybe... he was like in some goofy band or something. Nickelback Boys or something right? ... Oh yeah In Sink... I might have heard the name, but I don’t really remember him or them.”

Or facts about anything feminine: “What’s that crap they put on their eye when they take forever to get ready?”

Mascara! It’s fucking called mascara! You fucking idiot. You’re fooling no one!

Not dating in Europe.

R6 omg “geigh” would be a great name! Geigh

Lots and lots of pussy jokes and innuendos

Registering Republican

Avoid eating hot dogs, bananas and popsicles—at least while in public, Marcus.

I know two straight guys who will always sit at the lunch counter in a restaurant, so they don't look like a couple, like they would in a booth.

This thread has potential.

[quote] in any public setting that’s more feminine, department stores, coffee shops, boutiques etc.

Unless I'm misreading this post... are coffee shops defined as "more feminine" by straight men? By others?

I've been gay for so long that I don't even understand these distinctions. Have retail operations always been gendered?

R15 depends where you are LA, NY, SF no... Omaha, Tampa, Biloxi, Houston yes Starbucks is feminine place to go. Straight men considered it girly & uppity, more manly to grab a cup at a gas station.

Making sure their knees don’t touch when they’re sitting side by side on the couch jacking off to porn.

Avoid carrying an umbrella.

Vacationing in Branson.

Not paint their nails. 💅🏾

Marry women

never flush the toilet or wash their hands in a public restroom...

using alot of profanity with every other word being "fuck"....

never getting "too dressed" up no matter the setting or occasion ...

Pretending to never have had tasted their own cum.

Not put another man’s penis in their mouth

Utter the immortal expression “no homo”

Having their phones on mute so no one can hear this unmistakable sound:

They bend at the shoulders at the water fountain so they don’t stick their plump asses straight out like the gheys do. I also love to see when a straight guy attempts to camouflage a voluptuous ass with plenty of baggy sweats and shirt overhang.

Making sexual comments about every woman who walks by.

Straight men are pigs

R13, I cracking up, because I never considered that. A former coworker good friend of mine and I were working on a big project together and I just asked him if he wanted to get out of the office and grab some lunch. He was like, "let me see if Dan want's to join us"... I'm openly gay, but he genuinely had no idea I was until it came up in conversation once a long time later. He's not a homophobe at all, it was just funny because I never picked up on why he did that at the time. It could have also been due to office gossiping.

No wipe their ass.

Doing any of this stuff means they're bi trying to pass.

Put a blindfold on before getting fisted by another man

Pretend they hate any “chick flicks”, feminine TV shows, all songs by attractive males or any female singers, but they’ll call out the “hot” girl actresses & singers. They maintain a very narrow catalog of acceptable music or movies to like, usually almost all rap is okay and movies where stuff pointlessly blows up. Usually with these types after a few cocktails the wife will begin to make fun of their shared interest in watching Real Housewives & HGTV, at which point the guy will become insecure and claim she “forces” him to watch it. What a sad existence.

R31 not necessarily

Just a tale about a movie theater: One freezing night in February I took my son and my daughter's friend (daughter had a phobia of movies then and wouldn't come with us) Raquel to the world's worst movie, Early Man. It was a claymation flick and looked funny from the previews, but it was terrible. Anyway, there were only one or two other people in the theater. The kids were seated to my right, and this dude sat directly to my left. I believe he had sandals or crocs on. I was eating caramels (the ones with the white sugary stuff inside), which can be kind of loud (the wrappers). He was huffing and puffing because of my noise, and I believe his arm touched my purse strap. I was no hot babe but maybe 45 and 20 pounds lighter. If he had sat next to the kids I would have moved. I don't know why I didn't. I didn't know what to do. My husband said maybe he was a freak who always needs to be in a certain seat (we were in the middle of the theater, 'cause why not?). Raquel's grandfather said I should have changed seats.

R35 needs to go to the Frau Retirement Home.

Head-to-Heads, one of the many Intricate Ritual Excuses to Touch (or almost).

The first time I went to a movie with this (then new) straight friend, he actually tried to leave a seat between us in the theater. I quietly said I was leaving if he did that, because clearly he was too embarrassed to be seated next to me. He explained that "oh no, of course that wasn't it - just force of habit." I never hung out with him one-on-one again after that - what a stupid, homophobic move. It's too bad that this shit is ingrained in their heads throughout childhood/teens/adulthood.

Get girlfriends. I have known many different types of straight men before, but they all get a girlfriend the minute a hint of gay comes their way. Odd to think this but : straight men are actually very vulnerable when they are alone. They need something to hide themselves in: frats and a girlfriend. They don't enjoy their own company.

Go to strip bars. I am sorry but if your dick is hard in a room full of other men- that's pretty damn gay.

Install vertical blinds.

Ask me to pull out before I cum.

I don't.

Gift, given.

Comment on how "vaginal" things look, like the meat on the grill at the Korean BBQ place.

Sorry - I call overthinking & overanalyzing on many of these posts. I always leave an empty seat between myself & friends (straight or gay) at a movie if it’s not crowded— it’s more comfortable; you’re not going to be taking during the movie; and unless your want to hold hands what’s the point? Several of the others are not done by straight guys “not to appear gay” but because that’s just how straight guys act. They really are different than most of us — case in point they usually don’t overthink ANYTHING, and the types of things gays often obsess over never even cross their minds. Both these stereotypical straight guy traits cause endless amounts of grief between them and the women in their lives.

Refuse to acknowledge when another man is handsome.

R43 is thinking about Boomer Straight Men, the newer generation is much more insecure and the facade of everyone’s identity has been broken. Boomers are the last generation that functions like trained animals, every younger generation is in a constant state of dissociative catharsis over every move they make. Social media has split their brain.

R44 I will admit to doing that too. I was in the young, in the closet and I hung around some really rancidly toxic Baby Fraus who would try to prod me to say something “gay” so they could put me for their own sadistic pleasure. I refused to say another guy was handsome because I knew they’d use it as ammo against me. I hope they all get cunt cancer.

NOT cleaning their ass after they take a CRAP.

Ok, R45 - you may be correct. I, and most of my friends are early to mid GenX. -R43

Joining the GOP and running for office on an antigay "family values" platform

Writing your "memoirs" and claiming that you thought you might have been gay at one point, but now you're totally straight!

R50 also Tommy Lee, Steven Tyler and Dave Navarro

Make homophobic jokes in your stand-up routine

Chunking out so that no guy will ever hit on you

Get fucked up the ass by Trannies with big tits.

Do an interview where you insist that you "really, really like women" - make sure it's a radio interview so your facial expressions won't give you away

Start dating B-list female celebs and hire photographers to take pictures of you kissing or hugging her. Send these photos to every media outlet you can think of

If you're an elderly actor:

Write a tell-all book about all the Eisenhower era starlets you supposedly dated. Make sure they're all dead so they can't dispute your claims

Keep an empty urinal between you and your friend in a public bathroom

"I love you, Dianne!"

The Bachelor

[quote](Seriously--I can link to documented evidence online.)

Well...

These are all things CLOSETED men do.

Actual straight guys don't really think about whether anyone thinks they're gay because no one ever does. It's a non issue.

Thus the not sharing a booth thing is so odd and would be a huge red flag, as in "so do people often think you're gay? And why?"

And ditto on skipping a seat in movie theaters--it gives you room to spread out, so many theaters, especially older ones are so cramped. I do that with female friends as well as male if the theater is relatively empty.

Wait... R57, do you actually stand next to your friends in an otherwise empty bathroom to pee?

That's so creepy and sort of fetishy

grabbing guys' asses a lot

Won't let me French kiss them while I am fucking them.

Bend their bodies to make sure their crotches never touch or get near on the odd occasion that they DO hug another man.

If two guys need to share a motorcycle, they are REQUIRED to sit back-to-back.

Only do their knitting and crochet out of sight.

I lol'd R66 and started choking. Cause I can actually imagine some guys doing that.

THEY ONLY HANG OUT WITH MALES! NONE OF THEIR FRIENDS ARE FEMALES BECAUSE THEIR WIFE/GF WOULD BE JEALOUS AND HE WOULD TRY TO FUCK HER!

Contort your face in weird ways when your doctor gives you a rectal exam

Creepy and sort of fetishy *to you* R62.

I grab the nearest spot at the urinal when with mates, as do my mates. Gay, straight or whatever.

It’s a place to stand and piss out urine - not exactly sexual. It’s not a place to sneak a peek.

That’s what saunas are for, and yes we’re all naked, and no, there’s no sneaking a peek as we’ve all seen each others’ cocks many many times.

Stop being such a clenched, uptight American. It must be exhausting!

R62, I don’t “pee” in a “bathroom”. I “piss” in a “toilet”.

You sound very prissy.

The only guy who ever did this to me - leave a spot open in between at a movie - was a closeted possibly bi, homosexual. It was 1998 and it was a Nicholas Cage Meg Ryan (?) romantic drama. I saw Titanic with a male straight friend with no spot in between. It's not more comfortable, it's weird. I haven't been in a movie theater in 9 years though. Fuck that shit. I did go to a fancy one with beer and waiters and food a few years ago but it was stupid. The average person is too fucking gross, bunch of kids, masticating food noisily, cell phone chatter, stinky perfume, absolutely the worst.

r35 That is nothing. There was a dude at the Albuquerque Dollar Theaters that was literally serially urinating on people who sat in the back row. Like in the news, multiple times. So me and friends don't sit in the back row and assume dude can't just keep pissing on people's heads. But yeah, we're in there and hear screaming, and people running, and lights on and police. We didn't get pissed on. I never went back to a dollar theater again.

Also had a guy next to us keep spitting huge globs of spit on the floor like right next to us. We got up and moved, and men were EXPECTED to defend honor and start fistfighting cholo gangmembers. Huge Drama. Movie theaters are over. Have been for 15 years. Society is too gross and mentally ill.

Why don't straight men wash their assholes with soap? Do they think its gay?

Guys, especially white guys, have some kind of phobia against using washcloths. A washcloth would solve a lot of the asshole problems.

"I'm not gay but..."

Yeah, we know. You keep bringing it up, though.

r76 You are black. Every black man I've ever known, gay or straight, are obsessed with the non-washcloth thing. And I'm white, and you are all correct. I do use a puff and loofah now though. I exfoliate.

I half joking told my dad science found a way to see if people were gay by checking their ring finger length. He immediately asked me to check his.

... There's your sign? If you have to ask?

Never, never admit to liking a song by a pop diva

"No homo"

Towel dance

[quote] A former coworker ... and I were working on a big project together and I just asked him if he wanted to get out of the office and grab some lunch. He was like, "let me see if Dan want's to join us"... I'm openly gay, but he genuinely had no idea I was until it came up in conversation once a long time later. He's not a homophobe at all, it was just funny because I never picked up on why he did that at the time.

He might have known you were gay, especially if you were open about it.

Hehehe, fag! Hehehe, gay! Hehehe *woman sounds* *woman sounds* Hehehe, fag! Hehehe gay!

They don't kiss after taking and giving a raw load.

[quote]Refuse to acknowledge when another man is handsome.

I've met more than one man in my life who pretended not to be able to tell if another man was handsome. "I don't know, I don't see men that way."

Yeah, whatever, closet case.

^ There has actually been research showing that face ratings tend to hold up across gender and sexual orientation lines, i.e if you show a bunch of pictures of human faces to straight men, gay men, straight women, and lesbians and ask them to rate which ones are the hottest the results tend to be very similar, no matter who you're showing them to

So straight men who say they can't tell if a man is handsome are lying!

r44 Yes, the omnipresent "I don't know what makes a guy hot."

Nic Cage is an ugly motherfucker.

R55 Why does this sound so familiar?

Always standing to pee.

R62, agreed. It's also a sound thing for me. If it's dead quiet in a bathroom, my bladder just goes "nope" and I can't pee at the urinal if someone else is in there with me at the same time, so I'm just standing there with my dick out doing nothing. It's like being in some sort of quiet isolated scene out of a Kubrick film. At noisey bars/clubs I'm fine.

This is NEVER talked about but I've noticed this aa a masculine bisexual guy whose worked masculine jobs with primary straight guys

The more a guy talks about how much he loves lesbians, how he wants his girl to hook up with girls, how lesbians are hot etc. The MORE likely he is to be extremely anti gay male and homophobic

It's weird, because its exactly the same thing but Ive noticed that tons of times

R51 Tommy has admitted to m/m experimentation in youth—including head and sucking another guy’s feet—because he was curious, sexually bored (after that much skanky groupie action, who wouldn’t be), and wasted.

To my casual-Crüehead knowledge, he’s never definitively said that he isn’t bi or that gay sex disgusts him; only that he enjoys sexual relations with women more than with men, and that he’s not had the pleasure of anal with a man before.

Given that both one of his bandmates and one of his sons seem to be gay/bi, he’d be an even bigger hypocrite and a piece of shit to say anything too homophobic publically.

Fart loudly and proudly, wear baseball caps, burp, spit when you walk outside, grab your crotch etc

^No, dear. That's Things Roseanne does.

R96 true but straight guys too

Threads like these are fascinating in that they reveal

a) How many DLers really don't know any straight men other than their fathers and brothers.

b) How many DLers live in Darkest Flyoverstan where things like getting Starbucks coffee or wearing pink shirts are considered suspect.

c) How for many DLers "straight men" = beer-swilling, farting, overweight, gym shorts and football jersey attired tit-obsessed blue collar louts. As if that was the extent of "straight men" - though perhaps for many DLers it is

"Bro."

I don’t think most straight men obsess over not being mistaken for gay. Only the raging closet cases give a fuck about this.

I had a straight friend who refused to drink any beverage with a straw, because "men look gay when they suck on a straw".

Hugging at an angle, so they don't risk feeling a hard-on.

I agree with R100. Straight men rarely give a damn or a thought about being gay, unless being gay is the point. But there is a great deal of “ Lord of the Flies” behavior that suggest they think a great deal about status. I have been among straight guys, married ones, that will do or say stupid stuff with their buddies because that’s what’s expected by the group. Straight men are far more pulled by the tide of other straight men. Being gay isn’t in that obit.

The world is their urinal.

It's not about not being perceived as gay, it's about avoiding being mocked by their male friends.

[quote]Mentioning wife or GF fifteen seconds after realizing you’re geigh.

Whenever this happens I always want to say to the guy "I don't find you attractive and I would never want to fuck you, so you can just relax."

[Quote]Refuse to acknowledge when another man is handsome.

In 1970s and 80s New York, I remember some guys (only when absolutely necessary) would acknowledge an attractive man as "handsome in the face." And even that would be considered gay by certain others.

They avoid using straws because drinking with one somehow seems less masculine.

[quote] guys (only when absolutely necessary) would acknowledge an attractive man as "handsome in the face." And even that would be considered gay

R107 as a Brit, that is utterly baffling to me.

If it’s not comfortably and deliberately somewhat homoerotic, then it’s not even proper bants, is it?

Whenever a straight man admits that they WOULD nave sex with a man, but only if it was BRAD PITT!!!

Do you know how weird it must be, to be Brad Pitt, knowing that every straight man he meets want to fuck him!?!

R110 how do you think Miss Pitt got where she is in Hollywood? It was NOT by charisma and hair gel alone.

Crunching tackles on men they secretly think are fit.

Nothing covers a crush like breaking the other’s ankle.

A lot of these things straight men do are not because they don't want to be mistaken as gay - they do it because they ARE slobs, they are pigs, they have no taste in clothes, music, movies or TV. The actually DO like sports 24/7.

Go out in groups of odd numbers only.

I knew a guy and his group of friends who did this. He said if the group contained an even number of guys, they could be mistaken for a group of gay couples.

Ever since then I've noticed whether men in groups are odd or even numbers and if the odd-number groups are deliberately trying not to look gay.

[quote]I've met more than one man in my life who pretended not to be able to tell if another man was handsome. "I don't know, I don't see men that way."

I never understood this, whether it be true or bullshit. Some straight women actually introduce themselves to another straight woman by complimenting her looks.

I'm gay as Christmas but I know a hot bitch when I see one. Of course straight guys know when another guy is hot, they just can't say so.

R115 yup

Its crazy how much more accepted in society lesbians or bisexual women are compared to gay/bisexual men

Its the same thing

This all has to do with religion and women, the two biggest drivers of homophobia.

They don't let their balls touch when they're DPing a chick.

R118 yup as a masculine bisexual guy, will men can be really homophobic

I had to stop hanging with a few of my buds after I told their wives or girlfriends I was bisexual, they didn't want me hanging and drinking with their men

Even though I was friends with these guys for years before they even met their women and a few of these women even have lesbian or bisexual female friends they hang with but "that's different"

Gay and bisexual men really do have it the worst, the set up of society is too be against us

I meant WOMEN can be really homophobic

R119 this is actually true. I knew two guys in high school who tag teamed a girl and were aghast that their balls had touched while doing it

Two men fucking a woman at the same time has always read as pretty gay to me. Esp. if DP is involved. And vaginal DP? Forget it! They might as well just fuck each other.

R120 homophobia DOES NOT come from men, it started and comes from women who find it to be a threat. No matter how straight a man is every woman has a small percentile of fear that he’s gay. Women fear that because they lose all power, when the shit hits the fan tits & pussy is all they have to offer.

Do shut up, R124.

R125 fuck off, Frau. You’re not wanted here.

Who is this r124 idiot? You sound really stupid

How come there's no big organization or spokesperson SPECIFICALLY for gay/bisexual men?

There is nothing for us only

Lesbians have it a million times easier and hell its even promoted and encouraged at this point

Trans are small in numbers but make a lot of noise and if it keeps up with parents transitioning their young kids, soon there will ne no more gay men

Studies show time and time again that of the LGBT umbrella, gay men get hated, bashed and discriminated against the most by far time and time again and we don't even have our own movement, we were PUSHED out of the LGBT movement

Pathetic

wipe my ass off his dick before sucking it

[quote] Some straight women actually introduce themselves to another straight woman by complimenting her looks.

R115 female homosocial interaction works differently to male homosocial interaction, due to the commodification and objectification of women (the root of misogynistic homophobia)—more at 11.

Anecdotally, I’ve seen guys introduce friends to other friends by bigging up their mate’s physical strength/sporting ability, prowess at something, wealth, status, or another marker of social approval. It’s the same social ritual, only it doesn’t often involve the explicit vocal appraisal looks, because of the aforementioned commodification/objectification.

Yes, pretty or handsome men can have things easier and do gain subtle access to higher echelons thanks to the begrudging admiring acceptance of other men, but ultimately mens’ social value and success level isn’t nearly so subject to how they look as womens’, end of.

R124 gets a lot of info about women from what's left of daytime soap operas.

R128 is so full of it. First of all, the notion that gays are disappearing is hysterical, and not backed up by any statistics. Young people are more likely to identify as gay and lesbian than old people. Hardly any elderly people identify as gay or lesbian. Also, the trans hating brigade insists that transwomen are straight men in dresses who want to rape women. How is that compatible with insisting that all transwomen are gay men in denial?

Hating on pretty boys, usually boy band or movies that are obviously targeting teen girls, they show a extreme hate, like those Twilight movies or One Direction, it's not enough just ignore them. My guess is they actually feel a little bit attached to them.

Attracted not attached

Marriage.

R134 It's because they're something women like, and the worst kind of woman too (teenage girls).

Lots of Fraus and Bulls on here who want to make sure the narrative is constantly “Men evil, Women empowered victims!”

My brother is a horrible person who at least pretends to be straight and he will never acknowledge that he is aware of any famous person who is not heterosexual or any woman associated with gayness, like Cher, Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin.

Pretending they've never heard of RuPaul's drag race....

R139 I had a “straight” friend who thought Kathy Griffin was hilarious when she was first peaking as a stand up in the mid 2000s then when he figured out her target demographic he suddenly forgot who she was

They add bass to their voice when they speak.

I understand why many men do these things, they’re economically & socially incentivized to do it. Being out gay or bi is still not easy, no matter how much the Yasss Kweens will try to say it is... well it’s “fine” when they want someone to come out and it’s “scary and dangerous” when we discuss rights.

I love gay men and I love being a gay man....

But seeing R142, sweet Jebus, I wish more gay men worked on developing a more masculine, deep, and resonant voice. It's not about sounding "gay or straight," it's about sounding like an adult man.

R144 Many gay men sound "gay" on purpose. But many straight men with naturally higher pitched voices endeavor to speak at the lowest pitch possible, even at the risk of ruining their vocal cords. They'd rather do that than be taunted for "sounding like a gay."

I can't stand gayvoice. I know, it's terrible because I'm a gay man. But I can't help it. It makes me cringe.

The worst are the guys who go from a regular speaking voice to over-the-top YASSSS KWEEN after they come out, usually the same ones that go from a GAP & Banana Republic wardrobe to 2xist undies, Rainbow flag everything and sexually explicit tees & caps. They become a hideously annoying caricature of a gay man, then can’t understand why they’re not “accepted” everywhere!

[quote]homophobia DOES NOT come from men, it started and comes from women

Right, All the straight men pretend to be 'not gay' because they're really interested in YOU.

R148 all attempts at extreme toxic masculinity are directly the result of the striving to obtain pussy and the requirements that women put up to obtain it. I’m not saying that all men want to sleep with other men, I’m simply referring to the fear and lack of civility from homophobia, but nice attempt to try and twist that into a “see you’re a pervert that wants to rape all straight men” narrative. Take your Stinkfish elsewhere.

Very interesting and amusing thread..

Thanks guys.

[quote] But many straight men with naturally higher pitched voices endeavor to speak at the lowest pitch possible, even at the risk of ruining their vocal cords.

Butch lesbians do this too, but for the opposite reason.

Sometimes it comes off, but for every girl it works for there are several who sound ridiculous. We’re women, we haven’t all got voices capable of a healthy bass. Deal.

[quote]all attempts at extreme toxic masculinity are directly the result of the striving to obtain pussy

R149, toxic masculinity is aimed at other straight men, you fool.

R152 angry Bull, what you don’t get is what’s at the core of it is reproductive competition for PUSSY! Women are not infallible and need to take accountability in civilized society for what they’re requiring be brought to the table. Watch any fucking National Geographic documentary and you’ll learn that. You ever see the males birds or lions that do the behavior that the FEMALES like in order win access to the glorious vagina? The females set the standard of behavior, the females are the reason the males act like beasts or gentlemen, take responsibility. If women told men be kind and respectful to everyone, including your local homosexuals, or no pussy for you then it would change things drastically. Women control the narrative of society, even though the Twitter crowd would try to have you believe they’re all helpless yet empowered victims to evil men. I hold women to a higher standard because I believe they’re higher thinkers than the average straight male, who tends towards animalistic behavior. Women need to train their men better, but they like the brutish behavior. You want to go around and pretend to be a higher, civilized species to be vaunted, then act like it.

Thinking for themselves

I understand you can get good coverage for meds with Medicare Part D, R153.

Lol you hold women to a higher standard then straight men, call straight men animalistic, but it's somehow a woman's fault? Your circular logic is silly, do you know how silly you sound?

R156 dogs are dogs. Don’t act like women are infallible beings if you can’t tame the dogs properly, otherwise you’re just a bunch of “bitches”.

R155 Stinkfish Cunt Whore. Did Daddy pound your twat early on?

You are truly psychotic R157. Get help and fast.

R158 you don’t phase me, Cunt.

I know you’re used to gaslighting everyone else with your “he’s a scary man!” bullshit if someone steps out of line, but I don’t care and neither does anyone else here.

I think you have mental issues too, why else would your crusty cunt be here fighting with me. I’m so sure your sitting in a palatial mansion typing away.... sure.

Hahahahahaha

FF

Isn't it time for Miss Webmaster to take this one out? In the meantime, don't feed this mentally ill troll.

R160 screech all you want, it won’t pull Daddy’s dong out all those years ago.

Yeah I looked at his posting history R160, standard issue troll.

Okay. R162 really has time on her hands.

We're sending your hugs and kisses R161. We pray for your full recovery

Two fat, old Queens unite. We know your generation only saw a future for yourselves as lap dogs for women, so it’s okay.

Don’t you have some highlights to go do for Brenda? She’s your BFF in the salon chair, she just doesn’t want you around her grandkids.

A lot of the men doing these silly things to pass themselves off as straight are secretly bi and ashamed.

That's my theory.

Of course they are R166

That's been noted several times upthread.

It's not like your average straight guy ever worries that someone might mistake him for gay any more than he worries someone might take him for a woman or an illegal alien.

Closet cases, OTOH, are very worried about things that might clue people in.

Analogous: The reason pork products are so popular in Spain is because after the Reconquista, all of the secret Jews and Muslims were anxious to prove that they were not really secret Jews and Muslims and thus ate pork in public because it was forbidden by both religions. In England, however, no one was suspected of being a secret Jew, so pork played less of a role in the local cuisine.

R167 you old queens don’t understand the massive insecurity of the younger generations. John Wayne days are long gone.

I am 36, R168

And my straight friends would find it funny if someone thought they were gay.

You type old btw

R169 yeah sure

Yeah younger men are way less worried about being perceived as gay. Just cause they aren't interested in sex with men doesn't mean they worry about being thought of as gay.

Watching thim gem video of Tom Holland ONLY in private

Mentioning their wives or girlfriends in the first 20 seconds of meeting someone they even think might be gay.

One particular straight friend of mine makes sure to call me “man” every other sentence and loves to tell me about how he’s slept with so many women he can’t remember them all.🙄 Wants to make sure I know he’s a real ladies man I guess.

R174 he doesn’t sound straight. Next time he’s bragging, just go “I bet I suck cock better than any of those whores do”.

R172, and yet he went out of his way to pretend he hadn't heard of RuPaul's Drag Race!

I've never seen an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race. I don't even know what channel it airs on. So, that proves nothing.

Fuck women?

Straight men terrified of looking gay stay far away from aerobics.

Cosplay Liam Gallagher their entire solo career like Louis Tomlinson does.

Why would you or OP even post something like this? in the first place?

Middle aged gay guy here.

Straight me are so stupid.

farting loudly and then joking about it

I had a team building activity with my colleagues today and everyone was required to attend (socially distant of course). It was the worst 3 hours of my life hearing all the straight and married coworkers talk about their families, kids, things they do together as a family. They all sounded like they were happily married and proud to be straight and have kids. You have no idea how painful it was for me to endure during those hours as I had no thing in common with them and had nothing to inject into the conversations. 😢

R184 EVERY single person on your team is married and has kids? No single, young twenty somethings? Just wonder how they would answer.

In any case, team buildings should be illegal when it comes to discussing private life. That has NOTHING to do with work.

There have been a few "team building" retreats in my career over the years, always on a weekend. Every single time I *cough* have had to attend a wedding out of state on that particular weekend *cough*. It's worked out well for me.

Not compare 🍆

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m the only gay in the village, but the all-male environments in which I’ve worked always involve some idiot bringing up the subject of a random woman they’ve seen - who looks like somebody they’ve banged in the past - and then what they’ve done and what they’d like to do to her. It’s like high school.

The weird thing is that they’re make each other horny without a woman in sight. It’s not like gay environments or any other thing I’ve seen.

Hire a female stripper to come to the office to surprise a buddy on his birthday. Doing this is probably illegal now but it happened when I was working in an office n the 1990s. there were two men who did not join the circle around this event - me and an another man who said he had too much respect for women to participate. I watched from a distance. I can't even remember what the girl was like now.

[quote] Hire a female stripper to come to the office to surprise a buddy

R189 mate, if only.

[quote]I don’t think most straight men obsess over not being mistaken for gay. Only the raging closet cases give a fuck about this.

True. The actual straight guys don't give a fuck and just say fag this and that every other word. They mo they aren't going to bbs mistaken for gay so don't care about being vical with their homophobic shit.

I've been a loner for quite some time now but used to be around het guys a lot earlier. Some were dear friends and some just school and work buddies. There are so many different kinds of straight men that most posts in this thread are more or less correct since they apply to some of them.

There seems to be one universal thing, though, and that's being aware of societal norms and the pecking order in any group or work place. We as human beings tend to learn pretty early on how interaction among groups of people work. I'm actually not surprised at all that some het guys would be afraid of being seen as gay, and thus refuse to go out only with one guy. It's not homophobic per se but just being aware of your own image and your standing in the group and the society overall. You see, many straight guys are sticklers for rules and feel safer when they're followed. Hell, *I* feel safer when people follow rules. You just have to be aware what rules to bend to be able to live comfortably.

Many straight guys, no matter the age, are lost little boys when taken out of their comfort zone, but then again that applies to gay and bi men as well. People follow the rules to fit in. There are only so many trailblazers to break the rules.

Pecking order among gay men can be even more brutal since it's basically all about the looks. Even if you're loaded but you're ugly you get pitied for being ugly. Since male looks don't matter that much to straight men it's not that straightforward with them but there are definitely other ways to measure your standing. And yes, most het guys are totally aware of what being handsome means. We're hardwired to detect symmetry and beauty.

Now, with aspies things are different since they fail to read and understand many signs that we take for granted.

Wear sweatpants and not shorts at the gym. There are two men like this at my gym. Ironically i think sweatpants can be more form-fitting than shorts.

Not just straight guys, but also closeted gay guys. I remember meeting up with a guy for a casual date, we were in a diner that was kind of crowded and noisy. The booths were large and I had no problem sitting next to him so we could hear each other. I guess I had not taken into account how that would look in public, because as I moved to sit next to him, he said to me in a low voice, "Could you please sit on the other side?"

I had forgotten how many things closeted men have to think about ... it's exhausting.

Agree with R43 and R61. There is a lot of over analysis and over thought going on in this thread about who is sitting where.

R194- Is Roxanne Gaye.

R195, don't men like to talk side by side instead of opposite each other?

My grandfather thinks all men that sit at a table together at a restaurant are gay, and women sitting at a table together are spinsters looking for their dream man. This is very old fashioned stuff.

[quote] don't men like to talk side by side instead of opposite each other?

Yes, exactly.

It’s a dressing-room configuration. You can be shirtless and sweating and panting with your arms around your mate’s shoulders and both your sides knee to shoulder touching, but as long as you aren’t looking at each other directly or sitting facing one another close enough to kiss then there’s nothing remotely homoerotic about it. Obviously...

R192 Social scientist hah? Got gays and straight both figured out? You sound like sociopath.

R192 please don’t lump everyone with Asperger’s into one box. Some of are socialised well and intensively enough to get by (thanks to family, schooling, whatever else), albeit with a lot more effort than most normies. Also, some of us do have empathy—enough to be crippling, really, and that’s the problem.

A good friend from work invited me over to his house. He's married and he and his wife were throwing a little cocktail party for them and their friends. Aside from observing the tedium of married suburban life, it was interesting to see how all the wives self-segregate into the kitchen to talk and all the husbands stay in the living room. I didn't know any of these guys aside from my friend, and at the time, I would say most of them were in their early thirties/late twenties and very frat-bro.

What was odd was the homoerotic undertones of how the husbands would physically touch each other's asses and crotches. From my gay eyes, it was weird especially since the wives are just cackling away 30 feet from us in the kitchen.

But maybe in their straight eyes it was just "joshin' around." Who the fuck knows.

wear cargo shorts

Wear construction boots year round - winter, spring, summer and fall. I have some straight male friends in particular that all do this, and they don't even work in construction.

Also, in the summer, they pair them with cargo shorts and a tee

Str8 men seem to feel "safer" with maximum fabric below the waist: oversized board shorts, cargo shorts, pleated khakis (where do you even buy these anymore?), vintage baggy jeans (ditto). Don't even get started on swimsuits.

Anything too short and too close-fitting would seem super GAY.

You mean not like this?

Drink beer and belch loudly.

[quote]What was odd was the homoerotic undertones of how the husbands would physically touch each other's asses and crotches. From my gay eyes, it was weird especially since the wives are just cackling away 30 feet from us in the kitchen.

Did you join in? Did they know you were gay?

This thread could be ‘Things American men do that are disgusting’

…on that note (not) take care of their feet and wear sandals!

Josh Hawley has that affected deep register to his voice. I knew instantly the first time I heard it that it was forced and giving himself away.

R210 You mean like Henry Cavill?

Straight men don't go to Dubai to become personal trainers.

dialing a rotary phone with their finger - or a philips head screw driver.

and surely eating pussy. who wants to willingly eat the lava lips?

on the rugby field

in the gym

locker room (tumbleweed)

watch football (tumbleweed)

on the soccer field (tumbleweed)

Watching straight porn while they're fucking their bros up the ass...

R203 when I worked in shoe retail (ok, laugh it up), the only hot sellers for men (and lesbians) were CAT boots in the winter/autumn, and sandals in the spring/summer. We had plenty of other mens’ styles, but we could never shift enough of them to warrant a big restock.

Say “I’ll love pussy till the day I die” or talk about “bathing in pussy.”

R212 lmao.

My future BIL is a Turk from Cairo and is a personal trainer. He also loves designer clothes, lives in the gym, and has a curious enjoyment of soapy dramas and design shows meant for a female audience. We joke in our house that my sister is the tough butch one in their relationship. Honestly I always keep a close suspicious eye on him (not sexually, I’m lesbian).

R222 Um, that is a bit strange. Does he ping anyone else’s gaydar in your family?

Also, is it possible he’s using your sister for a green card?🧐

Not drinking iced coffee (even though they want to)

R223 when we first met him, the thought that he could just be dodging military conscription (it’s mandatory in Egypt) had crossed our minds. We even asked him about it, and he said that while he wasn’t keen to do it, if his country called on him then he’d go. He’s now passed the age for conscription and is still with my sister, even having introduced her to his parents (who horribly and vocally disapprove of him committing to a white pagan Jezebel, btw).

He currently works here in the U.K. on a semi-permanent VISA (as an engineer), and my sister started dating him years before Brexit, so it doesn’t seem likely he’d need such an elaborate facade just to stay in the West. The U.K. government pathetically fall all over themselves to bring in quotas of educated Arabs, you know how it is.

^^^forgot to mention that personal training is his side-hustle, and that he’s from a wealthy industrialist family. He also lived, worked and studied in France for a couple of years before coming to England, and became trilingual there. Rich well-educated Arabs who speak many languages have plenty of options if they want to stay in the West, so unless he really wanted a middle-class white English beard for some specific reason I don’t see that he needs my sister as a crutch. People of his ethnic and class/wealth background can tend to Ben effeminate or flamboyant or looks-obsessed without being gay, it’s a whole thing.

That said, I do think he’s bicurious or bisexual, based on probing but not offensively gross questions he’s asked me about being gay several times. And his interest in competitive bodybuilding....

the same way handshake hug

the simultaneous snack reach

unintentionally holding hands

the chips bag you shouldn't go for

the double arm around

the leg hair touch

when I was living in London, the Arabs, especially from Egypt, were all over me. Whilst officially straight and strict muslim, that quickly changed whilst clubbing, drinking alcohol, taking drugs and making out in the toilet lol

Straight men "jokingly" call their straight buddies gay or make gay jokes , even though they're all straight, because in their minds the worst "joke" is too be gay or feminine

I used to work for a construction company and we had to help remodel a Walmart overnight and two of the men that worked construction with me were really good friends, and one walked by a woman's purse that was pink with frills on it and he jokingly said to his buddy, "Oh you left your purse out here" amd his buddy said back, "Fuck you, like I fucked your girl last night"

They both had a good laugh and thought it was hilarious

[quote]This thread could be ‘Things American men do that are disgusting’

AMERICAN MEN?

training as an astronaut and escaping to:

R167, nobody mentioned that earlier in the thread(likely hidden bisexuality)prior to r166's comment, let alone "several" posters upthread. What's that about?

And then you made an incredibly strange and exaggerated allegory about Spanish pork.

Weirdest response in this thread, hands-down.

wrestling.

wrestling..

wrestling...

They don't say "fabulous".

They fuck women

They eventually cave in and settle down, even if they are miserable, because to be a bachelor at 40+ means gay, even here

[Quote]They eventually cave in and settle down, even if they are miserable, because to be a bachelor at 40+ means gay, even here

Says who?

A lot of this is right out the window in southern Europe. In Italy, young straight days want to look good and go all out with clothes, hair, accessories and keeping slim. The clothes are very fitted, a lot of pale pastel colours on shirts and scarves (they wear scarves from September to June), they buy and use a lot of products. You often see two guys out together.

Because of the repressive culture, a lot of older gay or bi men marry women and have families. There are few outward signs they are gay, but they are always on the prowl for a hookup.

R207 No and no, although I was crushing hard on my friend ( the husband who invited me) at the time. We had are own little sweet homo moments though!

Not sure if he thought I was gay bc I never spoke about dating women to him, but I was pretty heavy-handed in my flirting and being physical with him. He was a man who I think enjoyed the attention bc he was a bit narcissistic. I thought he was attractive but other gay guys I asked didn't really see it. Remembering back, we just had good chemistry and enjoyed hanging out. At work, he would just stop by my desk to talk to me plenty of times. When we would go out for lunch just the two of us, he would tell me things he said he never really shared with anyone but his wife, and all I could think was I wanted to bang him.

R246 not to speak ill of your mate, but I agree with you that his behaviour does seem self-centred to the point of mild narcissism, and he did seem to be using you for an ego-boost and some easy attention. I’ve had ‘friends’ in the past who kept me around for convenient affirmational attention, and it hurt to find out that they didn’t care about me and weren’t interested in me beyond what I could do for their self-worth.

So I hope it isn’t/wasn’t like that between you and your friend. You come across as a nice decent sort, so I hope you have plenty of other friends who don’t treat you that way.

Some of y’all are hopelessly stuck in 1987, refusing to update your archaic understandings and notions with fresh, updated information

R247 No I never felt like he was using me. Like all people, he had his own flaws, and there was a bit of narcissism, but that wasn't ALL there was to him. He definitely had done generous things for me. And despite any narcissism he may have had, I would call him out on it. I always had some witty or sardonic remark to throw back at him, which he seemed to enjoy. Probably because his entire social circle of "jock-bros" didn't talk that way to him and his wife, while nice, was far too dull for it.

Some men like to be challenged in a playful way.

join the army

go to the pub with their mates

go to the firing range

join macho team sports

deploy to Afghanistan

R248 - what was the fresh updated information of 1988?

r255 that the year 1987 ended

You only have a meal out with other men in a group; unless it’s with your cousin or your brother, in which case just the two of you is alright, so long as you keep it under an hour and the chat is light.

And, if you see a geezer you know at the same restaurant, you acknowledge him, but only with a head-nod and no words or physical constant exchanged.

camping

^I think they have to call it “hunting” but it always ends up the same!

Instead of blowing their noses, they make that repulsive snorting sound. Then spit.

army power nap

dinowhore

R260 men blow their noses

R263 = too dumb to read the title of this threaf

Fuck fat chicks.

Fuck old chicks.

fuck trannies

baseball

Dance in front of male window washers.

Oops, NOT dance at them. Or be a window washer smiling at a male window dancer.

EVERY plumber, electrician, cable guy, pest control operator who comes to my house has to drop "my wife", "my lady", "my girlfriend" into our casual conversations. I know I'm an irresistible homosexual and all, but I am not after (most) of them. They just want to set the tone.

Before or after you "accidentally" lift your caftan r271?

R246 sounds like you could have if you had committed to it a bit more.

Do any of them use the word “adorable”? Because I’ve never heard a straight guy use that word, but there is this one guy who claims to be straight (even though I think he’s closeted for other reasons) who frequently says “adorable.”🤨

R271, good example. I work in academia and have noticed that male professors go out of their way on the first day of class to talk about being "happily married to my wife and kids." I have decided that they do this not to avoid being mistaken as gay, but rather to make it clear to students that they are not available, and that the "student crushing on the professor" fantasies should not be indulged. (Speaking as both a student and a professor, I can tell you that these silly crushes happen quite often.)

In the 1970s when tennis player Chris Evert met John Lloyd, who would become her first husband, she thought he was gay because he used the word "lovely." She'd never heard a straight guy use that word and neither have I.

R276 Straight men in the UK say lovely.

R277 the chavviest, laddiest, clunge-mad blokes in the UK will call you gorgeous, hang and slobber all over you, and give you a cuddle—-provided you take them to a sports match and get them banjoed first. Like soppy dogs.

r278 How drunk do they have to be for d access?

R278 At what point do they let you suck their uncut dicks?

R279/R280 sadly that’s the clincher—they’d have to be sloshed enough not to be completely aware of what’s going on, making whatever move you tried to make a bit rapey. Best to enjoy the elated homosocial affection, and dip out before it gets to the stage of either assault (by them or you) or vom in one’s shoes.

Also, don’t hang about a drunk Brit if his sports team have lost. Not worth the aggro, and the offer of a blowie won’t make them feel better (they might even take it badly).

[quote]Things straight men do to not be mistaken as gay

Refuse to suck my dick.

mma

what does get them banjoed mean? play a banjo for them?

I was talking to a supposed straight guy at the gym and he spoke very softly as if he didn't want anyone else to know he was talking to me. Also I was the one asking the questions. he never asked me one.

R281 So basically you would have to behave like this rapist?

R284 you’re a love.

R285 I hope you ramped up the queeniness even further.

I used to interact professionally with a cute Jewish lawyer. The very first time I met him, he announced to one and all that he is often mistaken for gay. On subsequent interactions he always mentioned “my wife” and “my daughter.”

It never dissuaded me. It only made me flirt with him more. And he loved the attention and ate it up in spite of the constant reminders of his heterosexuality. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

They don't recycle, apparently.

Refusing to wear a mask.

They claim they hate any sort of theatre

Eating a salad 🥗

^They’d rather rim Richard Simmons than eat a salad in public

Mineral water!

This sounds more like social class differences than anything.

What most of you are describing is the behavior of barely literate blue collar workers in Darkest Flyoverstan.

Most of the straight white collar guys I know, even the ones in their 50s and 60s, don't act like this.

Take salads, for instance.

That may have been a thing in 1987 (and for many DLers in fact, it still is 1987)

But they all eat salad now and no one would think "Oh, they'll think I'm gay if I order this!"

My favorite on this thread though is

[quote] My grandfather thinks all men that sit at a table together at a restaurant are gay

I take it your grandfather has never eaten in the sort of restaurant where business dinners take place or where deals are hammered out over lunch or dinner.

[quote]Take salads, for instance.

Straight men will eat a salad with a meal, but they won't eat a salad AS A MEAL. Even if there's chicken on top. Too gay.

[quote]I take it your grandfather has never eaten in the sort of restaurant where business dinners take place or where deals are hammered out over lunch or dinner.

That's different, they were drunk.

[quote] Straight men will eat a salad with a meal, but they won't eat a salad AS A MEAL. Even if there's chicken on top. Too gay.

Then I must know dozens of closet cases who use salad-ordering as a hint that they're gay.

SMH at another DL poster from the year 1986

Even in Darkest Flyoverstan things have lightened up.

Carry or use an umbrella unless it's pouring down with rain.

Outside of Europe - a scarf is only to be worn with heavy winter outerwear, never as an accessory during warmer months.

Wear pink, peach or lilac.

Sorry - as per the thread title - they will NOT do the above.

R300

I think it more than anything it makes me sad when you realize that straight friends you’ve known for years don’t really trust you—or care more about what non-friends or strangers might think. I know it’s social conditioning, and I try not to take it personally, but it still stings that they act like you’ll turn into the gay Mr Hyde if they let their guard down. And I agree that girlfriends often perpetuate this doubt, any perpetrate their own homophobia by making their man think you must have ulterior motives.

•and

American straight men are bizarre when it comes to their fear of being perceived as gay. Honestly the lengths they go to in order to avoid it are almost pathological.

Ever invite a straight friend to lunch or to go to a sports bar and have them invite some rando friend as “chaperone” to make sure you and anyone else don’t get the wrong idea? 😑

Quick to claim their gay acquaintances are hitting on them.

[quote] Wear pink, peach or lilac.

Is this the reason only an Englishman could play Chuck Bass?

^^🎶isn’t she ea-sy? Isn’t she pretty in pink?...

educate women

sailing with your bro

IDF service

R302 all that tells me is that you need a new group of friends with secure girlfriends. Anyone who cares more about what the outside world thinks, or would date a girl who reinforces their deep fears, is even worth a second glance. Make friends who are loyal, open minded and smart- they tend to be adults and mature. A real man knows himself- something many straight men never get.

Also stop picking male friends because you find them attractive. And men who fear you will turn them gay have already visited Oz.

[R312]: So true. Bravo!

I don’t wear scarves anytime, but why would a male wear it when it’s not cold?

Not get caught at “gay spas”.

Adding bro to the end of every sentence

OP I miss guys sidling next to you to blow you in the movie theaters.

R304 “ American straight men are bizarre when it comes to their fear of being perceived as gay. Honestly the lengths they go to in order to avoid it are almost pathological.”

British men are exactly the same. There are some very liberal ones who don’t care at all, but most are worried about it on some level.

It doesn't take much to get a British man into a frock however.

R304, American men are not bizarre in this respect. Men throughout the world almost universally don’t want to be perceived as gay, even if they are open or somewhat open about samesex attraction. Being perceived as “gay” almost always means one is perceived as unmanly or less manly, if not outright effeminate, which is often viewed as the worst thing that can happen to a man. This is true even in the most liberal nations and social circles.

Be overly obsessed by sports to the point that they take the victory or loss of the home team so personally as if they had even one iota of hand in it.

That’s called being a fan, r321

soccer

video games

baseball

mma

join the fire department

construction work

R322, it's called being an idiot

join the air force

A lot of the behaviors described here sound like a lot of straight men want their gay male friends to know not to try anything with them, straight women do the same with straight male friends. Let's get real here, how many gay men are "friends" with straight men simply because they are lusting after them? They don't want to be friends they want something more and they hope if they befriend them then it will give them an "in". Men of both sexual orientations aren't exactly shy when it comes to pursuing lust so maybe some of these men want to set boundaries.

R322 I live in Baltimore - home of the Ravens. I like football. Grew up watching the Colts. I am also an attorney. Many a Monday I would walk in a courthouse and there was a lead like sadness throughout because the Ravens lost ,or a place of jovial greetings if they won. That's what I would expect out of an emotional high school cheerleader- not a group of professional adults. The need to connect to a team's up and down is a form of co- dependency that is almost cult like. It shows an inability to roll with the punches. Sadly it is also the only time I see straight men show unabashed emotion freely.

[quote]Things straight men do to not be mistaken as gay

Swallow and take bareback so there's no external evidence of their homosexual experiences.

R331 are you Mark Wahlberg? If your straight friend is afraid that you covertly preying upon when you are not than he not a friend- to anyone of interest. A good straight man is like a good brother. He knows what the world will say about your friendship but he doesn't give a fuck. He knows at some point you might throw yourself at his head- but he will brush it aside because he knows who he is, and who you are. You are the best man at his wedding, The godfather to his kids, a babysitter, his drinking buddy, an uncle, shoulder for his wife, and a person he trust. Trustful people - gay or straight - don't have sex on the brain. That fact that you think you can blame the gay man for the insecurity of the straight guy is self hate at its best.

Watch a NATGEO doc this is all just animalistic behavior to attract mates. We don’t call them “Breeders” for nothing. The hyper masculinization in America happened in the 80s after feminism brought men insecurity, as women became ball-busting corporate cunts, then AIDS hit and being overly fit & muscular became a way for gay men to show the world they were “neg” and straight men tried to show they weren’t “no fag” by being disgusting and free of creativity, because women have an internal need to continue the species and catching a deadly disease activates their alerts. Men just like to cum. I think women are the main cause of homophobia, the facade of civilized culture is just that.

America was a hypermasculine nation from the start

R336 post-WWII to the 70s there was a civility to society