I posted this in the thread about depression I linked to upthread and it applies to you:
I, too, know from experience and from battling the transfixing allure and pernicious tentacles of the dark lovers known as self-pity and blame, and of their devouring offspring, dejection, that in order to transcend all three, we must be willing to identify and admit when and where in our lives we willingly collude with them in futile attempts to avoid the pain and strain requisite for all true growth, strength, and healing. At the risk of sounding too esoteric, blame, self-pity, and dejection are extremely shrewd demons, but we aren’t dimwitted angels either. We invite them in.
We collude with them all of the time in order to feel better about ourselves, and when they bite back – bite the hand that feeds them – we shrink and demure as if held prisoner by them. We deny that we engage and utilize their putrid qualities for our own comfort and self-assurance. We pity ourselves when we do not get what we want or think we deserve, failing to mention or even notice that these attitudes, in and of themselves, reek of greed and envy, the progenitors of self-pity and the cause of much pain and harm to ourselves and to others.
We blame – the child of pride and wrath – others for our problems, and even have the audacity to blame others for not meeting our standards, for not being “good enough,” i.e., we judge, criticize, and size people up by their looks, intelligence, behavior, possessions, or lack thereof, and so on. We even turn blame, like a rabid animal, on ourselves. When dejection weighs down on us like a big black pile of messy id, we claim innocence and stupidity, hide in its shadow, and deny that we oversaw the fornication of its parents, self-pity and blame, and of its birth and emergence within ourselves. Sometimes, once born, we revel in dejection too, making use of it for pity from others, and as an excuse to remain slothful and unchanged and at worst, downright malignant.
It is said, rightfully so, that getting anywhere in this life - earning a higher education, acquiring a good job, amassing money in the bank, and securing all of the perks and prerequisites of life – requires hard work; well, so does becoming a fully integrated, conscious, and conscientious human being. Becoming whole, healthy, and secure with oneself, and building up the muscles of faith (in oneself and if you choose, something greater), humility, empathy, charity, and love (for oneself, those closest to us, and strangers alike) – the muscles that help us break through the chains of self-pity, blame, and dejection – requires strain, pain, and diligence.
Again, at the risk of sounding too esoteric or, God forbid, religious, this was the point of Christ’s life and crucifixion; to provide a template for transcendent love, charity, sacrifice, and forgiveness. What the Catholics and Protestants get wrong is that they hope and assume that “Christ did it for us.” Ha! He didn’t ask to be worshipped; he asked to be imitated. (He was clear in his distinction between himself and the Ineffable.) When He quoted Torah (Leviticus 19:18), Christ made it clear that we are to treat others as we want to be treated. He also made it clear that we are to take up our own crosses and crucify the basest parts of ourselves, and that doing so requires journeying, often arduously and rigorously, on the “narrow path” that leads to transcendence. But enough about religion, as I know it incites anger in many of you. You get the point, which is also promulgated by all of the great world religions – Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and yes, even Islam - especially their mystics. (Note: This is one thing that I deeply admire about Buddhism: you are not so much instructed to “believe in” Buddha as much as you are counseled to do as Buddha instructed and to refine your view of the world as being comprised of illusions, both beautiful and deadly.)
