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I'm extremely stuck, extremely depressed and I need help

I went to a really good college on the east coast but didn't make the most of it because I was so so shy, introverted, spacey, and awkward. I was one of those kids who were unhappy and extremely anxious. I also realized I was a lesbian partway through and was isolated and kept resisting being gay. I was medicated during all 4 years and basically just sleepwalked through since it seemed like that's what others were doing. I was also too intimidated to take some classes or felt like I shouldn't take them because I wouldn't be good at them.

My mom developed a seriously debilitating, progressive illness partway through (that she died from 2 years ago) and I used it as an excuse to kind of give up. I ended up moving back home after college and now I'm 30 and still here. I can't think of anything I would be cool with doing w my degree and I have no friends and live in a constant state of anxiety and depression. I wish I took art classes and could become an art therapist but I stupidly didn't take those. I'm theoretically very interested in art and art history but I never took the time to really apply myself. All I do is complain and I"m too anxious to even watch TV or read so I have no hobbies or interests.

My dad is an amazing person and has put up with so much from me but I don't feel attached to life anymore... there's no way forward where I can be happy.

I don't know what to do. I got fat (but lost the weight) so my boobs don't look great. I am considering becoming an escort and moving to nyc or something if I can get a boob job but I'm probably too old. I'm tired of being so isolated and unhappy all the time but if I want an actual job with my english degree, I'm going to have to do volunteer work or internships in the suburbs where there are no people my age. I would do literally anything for the kind of money I could live off of... I'm terrible with people and people think I'm weird and don't want to be around me.

by Anonymousreply 347Last Wednesday at 8:42 AM

If you are terrible with people, you won't make any money as a whore. Why don't you stay where you are and get a good therapist. If you are really a miserable misanthrope by character, get a night job involving little contact with people and spare society. Write a novel or take art classes during the day, work at night and for god's sake don't spread your misery to people. You sound like a terrible candidate to become a therapist of any kind. The 30s is going to be your last chance to know yourself and make the best of what you've got.

by Anonymousreply 102/12/2021

Oooh you could be a high-end lesbian escort. Or dom. Do an onlyfans page. Do you like animals? Get a job in a shelter or bet’s office. If you’re an English major, get a WFH job editing/writing.

We’re all weird. What makes you think you’re weirder than the rest of us?

Have you ever been in a solid relationship?

by Anonymousreply 202/12/2021

Chaterbate. Graduate to Only Fans.

by Anonymousreply 302/12/2021

R2 Because it's been made clear to me by many people, over and over again, that I'm weird and awkward

by Anonymousreply 402/12/2021

R2 No, I've never been in a solid relationship. I've been unhappy my whole life. Even as a child, I didn't really smile in photos much.

by Anonymousreply 502/12/2021

If there are any millionaires or billionaires here, I'll literally do anything in the world for $2 million.

Thinking of killing myself soon anyway, probably within the next couple years.

by Anonymousreply 602/12/2021

1) Get into therapy.

2) Get on antidepressants. Your depression needs to be treated.

3) Stay where you are and go back to school for art therapy. If you love it, and it will give your life direction, do it. Start by signing up for an online art history class (or one of those Great Lectures on art history).

4) Look into volunteering with an art therapist.

You are so young. You likely have 40 years of working life ahead of you—it is not too late to go back to school for something you love. Many of us have had to pivot once or twice in our lives, including going back to school.

But you have to make the choice: Keep stewing in your sadness, or get up off the couch and take action. Take the first right action, then the next, and just keep moving.

by Anonymousreply 702/12/2021

I just kind of thought I'd be rescued somehow. I was pretty and attractive guys thought I was pretty & sweet and I thought that I could just marry one of them.

I'm an idiot and I've been truly miserable all my life. I want someone to adopt me

-OP

by Anonymousreply 802/12/2021

I’ll write more later but I just wanted to tell you that I admire your honesty and that you are not alone.

I know my fellow cunts and bitches will provide invaluable feedback, even if some if some of it will be brutal (prepare yourself), and personal experiences of their own you may relate to.

Good for you for opening up and letting it all out.

by Anonymousreply 902/12/2021

R7 In order to do art therapy I'd have to take something like 7 studio art courses. I live in my head and only thought about taking art but I never did it. All my thoughts were consumed with wanting cool friends who accepted and understood me.

by Anonymousreply 1002/12/2021

[quote]In order to do art therapy I'd have to take something like 7 studio art courses.

Then do it.

by Anonymousreply 1102/12/2021

R9 Thank you so much <3 I'm a suicidal loser but I'm honest, right?

I basically went through college as if I were a trust fund baby. I was definitely out of touch with reality to some degree. Others maybe could bounce back but I'm the type of person that should have gotten into film editing, art history, art therapy... low key and creative careers. Now I don't have many options.

-OP

by Anonymousreply 1202/12/2021

[quote]only thought about taking art but I never did it. All my thoughts were consumed with wanting cool friends who accepted and understood me.

[quote]I basically went through college as if I were a trust fund baby. I was definitely out of touch with reality to some degree.

You also seem to be stuck on what happened in the past. Let it go. You're not living in the past now. You're living today, and you have plenty of options to move forward.

by Anonymousreply 1302/12/2021

R13 Thanks. It's very difficult though because the loneliness gives me a lot of brainfog and gives me intense anxiety in my upper chest and throat. It makes me not want to do anything.

I'm in the suburbs of NY and there are very few younger people here. And none of them would want to be friends with me anyway because I'm spacey, depressed and I look disgusting now.

by Anonymousreply 1402/12/2021

I feel like Fiona Apple and Winona Ryder were bad role models, in retrospect

-OP (also 14 is OP)

by Anonymousreply 1502/12/2021

Does anyone know of weird ways to make tons of money? Like being a sex slave for a few years or something? I'm willing to give up more years of my life for $$$ if it means that I can spend the rest of my life reading, playing the piano and chilling.

-OP

by Anonymousreply 1602/12/2021

R12 You are not a loser. You are being honest, self-aware, and, quite frankly, brave.

by Anonymousreply 1702/12/2021

R17 Thank you but I'm definitely an entitled loser and I have no problem speaking about how crazy I am tbh

by Anonymousreply 1802/12/2021

[quote]Stay where you are and go back to school for art therapy. If you love it, and it will give your life direction, do it.

But be prepared to make very little money.

If you’re weird* and uncomfortable around people, you’d fit right in with software engineers.

*All the best people are weird in one way or another.

by Anonymousreply 1902/12/2021

R19 I don't care about money, I just want to be surrounded by people I like and who like me & do something creative.

Software engineers are weird in a logical, detached way. I'm weird in an ethereal, sensitive way - think if Bjork had never made any music but just existed as is

by Anonymousreply 2002/12/2021

Maybe I could become a librarian and do art stuff on the side.

-OP

by Anonymousreply 2102/12/2021

Your problem is you think too damn much . You want to take art therapy classes,then just sign up for one and do it. Dont think it to death . It seems to me like you think everything over so much and end up convincing yourself its stupid or pointless . Just do it ! I was just like you when younger and I finally got so sick of my own head I just shut it off and acted. I wanted to go to the bar ? I just went. I didnt think about how ugly I felt or how weird I was or wether anyone might like me,I just went . And you know what? 9 times out of 10 I had a great time. Just do it honey,whatever it is you want.

by Anonymousreply 2202/12/2021

R22 I would have to take studio art classes and then an art therapy masters degree costs about $30k

by Anonymousreply 2302/12/2021

Someone please help me, please save me

by Anonymousreply 2402/12/2021

The battle cry of every millennial and gen z ever

by Anonymousreply 2502/12/2021

R25 They're not as screwed as I am right now

by Anonymousreply 2602/12/2021

Damn, you idiots -- can't anyone on DL spot an Extremely Silly Tale anymore?

by Anonymousreply 2702/12/2021

R27 I really wish it were an Extremely Silly Tale but this is actually my life, as ridiculous and pathetic as it is. I really am that helpless and stupid.

-OP

by Anonymousreply 2802/12/2021

There are a zillion artists on Youtube giving free art lessons--sketching, materials, painting, canvass, murals. all the shit. You can find lessons for everything on youtube. So go get yourself a sketching pad and some pencils and begin.

Go on Facebook and start a page (or meetup.com: call it "Amateur artists of (wherever the fuck you are)" Spend a few dollars running ads so you can get local people interested. In my city, the group that does this gets together on a weekend morning a few times a month, and meets together to sketch an old building.

Also, look on Facebook and meetup for other local groups that would interest you.

The only easy way to make a shitload of money is by doing illegal stuff (ie drugs), and you don't have the mental wherewithal to survive prison. In fact, you need to stop feeding yourself the fantasy that there are easy ways to make huge amounts of money. I mean, if there were, don't you think everyone would be doing it?

Print up R7's list of suggestions and put it on your refrigerator.

by Anonymousreply 2902/12/2021

R29 But the people in my area (Westchester County, NY) are pretty much all older and I don't relate to the rest of them. I'm like a quirky hipster-y type and I haven't found anyone like that here. If they are here then they want nothing to do with me.

by Anonymousreply 3002/12/2021

Hey I’m sorry for your lost and everything that you are going through. I understand what you’re going through considering I’m dealing with most of the same things. I have anxiety, still living at home in my mid twenties and have some trouble talking to people due to my stutter. You should really talk to a trained professional you help you deal with everything you’re going through. Try blahtherapy.com I think they do sessions for really cheap plus you can search up some free counseling.

by Anonymousreply 3102/12/2021

R31 Thanks, I actually already have a therapist who's pretty fed up with me at this point I think

by Anonymousreply 3202/12/2021

op...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 3302/12/2021

R33 I know... I know how ridiculous I am but it doesn't change the reality of my situation and the fact that I've spent the last 10 years with no social interaction and completely miserable.

by Anonymousreply 3402/12/2021

[quote] I am considering becoming an escort and moving to nyc or something if I can get a boob job but I'm probably too old.

That's your best idea. And you're not too old if you take in very old clients, like just specialize in rich guys over 80.

by Anonymousreply 3502/12/2021

I wonder if you could have undiagnosed asperger's.

by Anonymousreply 3602/12/2021

R34 The tiny seed knew that in order to grow it needed to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to reach the light.

by Anonymousreply 3702/12/2021

R36 I might be somewhat on the spectrum but I'm pretty good at reading and understanding people. I'm definitely sensitive to noise and am pretty self-deprecating and awkward though.

by Anonymousreply 3802/12/2021

R38 --OP

by Anonymousreply 3902/12/2021

I’m weird and anxious. I’m extremely tall which makes me freakish. I hated myself in my teens and 20s. Then something wonderful happened. I embraced my weirdness and I’ve been happy ever since. I’ll never really fit in anywhere so the few friends I have are weird, too. Love yourself, honey. I’d rather be my weird ass self than those so called perfect people. xo

by Anonymousreply 4002/12/2021

Why do you assume the other weirdos of Westchester won't be interested in you?

There's a saying that I've found to be true--"There's an ass for every seat."

I even know a lot of gay/lesbian weirdos in my town. I don't hang out with them, but I discovered them on Facebook--because they have a page and announce meetings and things.

Becoming a prostitute will make you much less mentally stable--it won't fix any of your problems, and no one makes a ton of money on it.

It's kind of wild that you're paying a therapist 200+ an hour to tell him/her that you want to run away and become a prostitute.

by Anonymousreply 4102/12/2021

[quote] There's a saying that I've found to be true--"There's an ass for every seat."

“There’s a seat for every ass.”

Or is it, “Never let them see your ass?”...

by Anonymousreply 4202/12/2021

R41 My dad is paying for my therapist. Which makes everything more pathetic.

by Anonymousreply 4302/12/2021

Then chances are your dad will pay for school, OP.

That's more than a lot of us can say.

Take advantage of it, do something with your life, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Living in your head 24-7 is getting you nowhere.

TAKE ACTION.

by Anonymousreply 4402/12/2021

R44 Yeah, my dad paid for four years at Vassar. Which is why this is all so insane and embarrassing. It's like I've been influenced by everyone I was close to and just followed what they did and ended up nowhere.

by Anonymousreply 4502/12/2021

R4 The only people who aren’t weird are the people you don’t know.

by Anonymousreply 4602/12/2021

30k is nothing for a masters. I know lawyers who have 300k in student loan debt.

by Anonymousreply 4702/12/2021

R44 You should feel lucky that you weren't coddled. I wish that my parents forced me to be more independent earlier on. Maybe I wouldn't have ended up like this.

I understand that many people are "weird" but people have mentioned that I'm basically remarkably weird and quirky.

by Anonymousreply 4802/12/2021

R47 But lawyers make tons of money. Art therapists make $70k a year IF they're lucky.

by Anonymousreply 4902/12/2021

R49, are you joking?

I know lawyers that make less than 50k working for non-profits, legal services, etc.

by Anonymousreply 5002/12/2021

R50 Oh ok, I thought most lawyers made at least 100k a year and at biglaw made over 200k or so

by Anonymousreply 5102/12/2021

I was obsessed with celebrities and would walk around pretending I was one of the Olsen twins or something --ridiculous and stupid. Must have been influenced by the trust fund babies in my school. My stupidity defies comprehension

-OP

by Anonymousreply 5202/12/2021

Lawyers salaries have been dropping for years. Also, the number of legal jobs way outpaces the number of graduates--there are tons of lawyers who can't find anything at all.

Lawyers who work for non-profits (like I said) or the state attorney or child advocacy or immigration can make very little: they do it for the love of it.

by Anonymousreply 5302/12/2021

Do you have siblings? Maybe your dad will set you up for life (if you live frugally). Leave you the house, some savings. And you could supplement by trying to do house sitting, dog walking, being a companion or something.

If you're really willing to "do anything" what about nursing? Pretty quick to get qualified, at least as LPN or nurse's assistant -- there will always be jobs, and you'd be helping people a lot, all the time.

But if your dad paid for Vassar, surely he'd pay for qualifying in any kind of healthcare field -- physical or occupational therapy, respiratory therapy, etc.

by Anonymousreply 5402/12/2021

R54 Yes, I have one other sibling. My dad has made a good salary but has his own life to live so there's no telling how much I'd inherit. It would definitely not be enough to live on forever.

I've considered doing nursing just for a day job. However, I'm pretty spacey and klutzy and have never really been interested in biology. I know lots of people with my personality type (INFP 4w5) hate it and nurses can be pretty mean to each other from what I understand.

It's more like, I can't get over the sadness of not being involved in the arts. Most of my classmates are doing incredible things with photography, art history, working at MoMa. I don't think I can get over what I wasted.

by Anonymousreply 5502/12/2021

R54 The only nice thing about me is that I'm frugal. If I suddenly received $2 mil I would easily use that for the rest of my life and just live in a little apartment somewhere. It's more like, I want to be around people I like and who like me. I want people to respect me and I want to be creative with other people.

by Anonymousreply 5602/12/2021

But why did you get an english degree if you prefer visual arts?

by Anonymousreply 5702/12/2021

Another lesbian here who isn’t buying any of this. It sounds like one of you MARYS trolling.

Repeatedly asking if she can be a sex slave or escort? Wtf? How do you bitter queens viciously attack people over the most ridiculous shit but some troll rolls up here claiming to be a stupid beyond comprehension hopelessly depressed lesbian wanting a boob job and you are all giving advice like fiends.

Am I in the fucking twilight zone?

On the very off chance that this is real - sorry about your mom OP and sending you love - but I’m not believing this.

by Anonymousreply 5802/12/2021

[quote] If I suddenly received $2 mil I would easily use that for the rest of my life and just live in a little apartment somewhere.

Repeating this over and over to yourself is one of the things that is holding you back.

by Anonymousreply 5902/12/2021

R58 I'm genuinely not trolling. I don't know what else to tell you... like, I'm actually not trolling. I'm just a crazy person.

And yes, I'm stupid beyond comprehension and I know that. I genuinely don't understand why I behaved in the way I did. I guess it was a mix of entitlement, loneliness, and rigidity about how I expected my life to go. I definitely have some degree of dissociation that manifests as spaciness

-OP

by Anonymousreply 6002/12/2021

R57 Because I was clueless. I've lived in my head my entire life. I had a lot of difficulty with managing my time and decided not to take certain classes because I felt "oh, I'm not an artist so why take art classes." I wanted to take photography but I would have had to have taken beginners studio art first and it looked incredibly difficult. So yes, lazy and stupid and thought things would just work out. IDK. I worked so hard in high school and was so focused on making friends in college and fitting in. There is definitely something very very wrong with me but.. yeah.

-OP

by Anonymousreply 6102/12/2021

You've gotten a lot of good advice, OP. It's up to you how you use it.

BTW, nothing stops you from buying a cheap DSLR camera and doing portraits for free. Nothing stops you from using that camera to make promotional little videos for the non-profits in your area that need free PR videos for their facebook pages. Nothing stops you from starting your own facebook page for artists in your area. Nothing stops you from taking free classes on youtube for sketching, etc.

And I actually am a lesbian with a (small) trust fund. I still have a job.

by Anonymousreply 6202/12/2021

Have you experimented with drugs? You should at least get some xanax.

by Anonymousreply 6302/12/2021

R62 It's good that you have the personality to work even when you have a trust fund.

I will try to keep pushing on despite extreme loneliness

by Anonymousreply 6402/12/2021

R63 Yeah, I've been on different drugs in the past. I've gone to a psychiatrist. That's what makes all of this so pathetic... I really did believe I was some kind of special person idk. I really did all of this to myself

by Anonymousreply 6502/12/2021

My neighbor thinks I should just go apply to social work school for an MSW. She's had a good career despite the fact that she only did it for money in the first place. Not sure if I could survive the program though

by Anonymousreply 6602/12/2021

OP, so you might be weird and awkward. Many of us are. I'm older and I still struggle with the knowledge that I'm a misfit who also has occasional depression and feelings of worthlessness.

Find things you love to do. Find things to do that are active and can get you out of the house. Walk, exercise, focus on eating healthy foods. Watch birds, tend plants, read books, eat chocolate, drink tea, pick an interesting subject and learn everything you can about it. Be kind to a stranger.

Stop criticizing yourself. It's hard, I know, I still do it. We are harder on ourselves than is anyone else. You are probably lovable in ways you can't imagine.

I also enjoy stories about people who mess up their lives big time. Take a look at the PA murder suicide threads. I think partly why they are so popular is because we can read them and think, "Thank God I'm not that crazy." There will always be someone more miserable and unhappy than us.

by Anonymousreply 6702/12/2021

OP, do not go into sex work. Letting yourself by used by people who do not care about you will destroy your soul.

Learn some sort of skill, start at the bottom if you have to, and work hard. Earn an honest earning that will grow your confidence and self respect.

by Anonymousreply 6802/12/2021

You are a deeply annoying defeatist and terrible conversationalist.

by Anonymousreply 6902/12/2021

R68 Do you have any suggestions for skills?

by Anonymousreply 7002/12/2021

R69 I know and I'm sorry.

by Anonymousreply 7102/12/2021

I am (sort of) in the same boat as you OP, and we are the same age. I went to grad school and got a Master's degree from an expensive college in New York City, with the intention of going forward into a PhD program after. I had spent very little money getting my B.A. (under $10k) so I figured it would be a beneficial investment in the long run. Long story short, I realized midway through my M.A. (thanks to a number of PhD students, advisors, and professors) that going into a PhD program with the intent of becoming a professor was an utter pipe dream. I knew as an undergrad that it was difficult to land one of those jobs (at least a non-adjunct position), but when I was at a graduate level and hearing it from these people, it really cemented. I was young, naive, and had rose-colored glasses on, I guess. I also had no real guidance in terms of higher education (I am the only person in my family with a college degree). I was bound and determined though to follow through with it, especially because my undergrad studies had been interrupted with a cancer diagnosis when I was 21, which ate up two years of my life before I could re-enroll.

In any case, I did follow through and get my M.A., but I ended up back home, broke and utterly lost. One thing my college advisors (as well as the head of my grad program) had always stressed was that private school teaching was always a viable opportunity to fall back on. I've not found this to be true—those jobs are not exactly abundant (especially now due to COVID) and they are also very competitive because all of the PhDs who can't get tenured professorships are vying for them. Last year, I went through another health crisis and had to have open-heart surgery, which was kind of traumatizing.

I am fortunately in good health now, but I feel guilty because I don't think I am really grateful for it. Like you, I feel very trapped in my circumstances and have been going through bouts of severe depression over the last couple of years. I am working in a field completely outside what I studied, but the upside is the company I work for is great and I like the people there. Still, I am not where I want to be, nor where I expected to be at this point in my life. I suppose this is the case for most people. I feel pathetic a lot of the time, but such is life. It may not be much, but I empathize.

by Anonymousreply 7202/12/2021

R69 Then feel lucky you aren't me. How do you think it feels to be me, then?

by Anonymousreply 7302/12/2021

Assuming this is not an EST, OP sounds like she's looking for an easy way out. (Wants to live off of $2 million that materializes out of nowhere.) Says she's lazy & entitled. Get a job, OP, just like everybody else.

by Anonymousreply 7402/12/2021

"... you could be a high-end lesbian escort."

Sometimes you hit the jackpot.

by Anonymousreply 7502/12/2021

R72 Wow, you have gone through some genuinely traumatizing things! I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnoses.

I'm way more self-absorbed and crazy than you are but it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels this way

by Anonymousreply 7602/12/2021

R74 Yeah, it's true that I'm looking for the easy way out. I wish I were extroverted and more logical or stable so having a regular job wouldn't be so horrible.

I know I'm entitled and dramatic but some of it is baked into my personality and I've been this way since I was little. I've never had a relationship and I don't have much to live for right now

by Anonymousreply 7702/12/2021

Ooooh Westchester. I’m from Pleasantville. No offense OP but you are looking for the easy way out. I went back and got my MSW at 32. But I went to Hunter which is CUNY and cheap. You can do a lot with the degree. I would take some non matric courses maybe volunteer and figure out where you would like to land. You have time but get going!

by Anonymousreply 7802/12/2021

[quote] I know I'm entitled and dramatic but some of it is baked into my personality and I've been this way since I was little.

Baked into your personality? Been this way since you were little? Have you been diagnosed with anything in the DSM? If not, then sounds like you're crafting "diagnoses" that relieve personal responsibility.

by Anonymousreply 7902/12/2021

R78 Thanks. Yep, I know I'm looking for the easy way out. I want friends and I'm sad. I want to be friends with the people I went to school with that work at MoMa now.

Do you think someone who's super introverted can be a social worker? I worry that the program would destroy me

by Anonymousreply 8002/12/2021

R79 I mean, personalities are a thing. I'm an INFP 4w5 and it fits. I relate with what people who identify with this personality type say about things. Some people are more shy, more sensitive than others

by Anonymousreply 8102/12/2021

Vassar should rescind your diploma. You're the laziest "liberally educated" mind I have encountered in years. It's embarrassing. (I am a college prof.) You are extremely scattered and delusional with no stamina to follow through logically about anything. It's appalling.

by Anonymousreply 8202/12/2021

R82 And I'm perfectly aware of this and how delusional I am. You don't need to insult me as I spend everyday with intense anxiety, understanding how much I messed up my life.

by Anonymousreply 8302/12/2021

R82 I've spent about 8 years in near-isolation so yes, that makes a person even more scattered and delusional.

by Anonymousreply 8402/12/2021

[quote] It's good that you have the personality to work even when you have a trust fund.

Not only me, I know lots of people in the non-profit world who work and have small trust funds (or outright inheritances). It's not rare. (I also know people with ENORMOUS trust funds who kind of pretend to work--but that's a different story.)

People in that situation generally don't sit at home all day playing the piano.

by Anonymousreply 8502/12/2021

I say that to knock you out of your delusion. What the hell did you learn at Vassar? Is it all gone? Hard to believe you can't follow through a though logically. If you can't then you need mental health treatment. If the mental health treatment doesn't work, it's not going to get better for you. Do therapists deny you treatment? Are you untreatable? It seems like you might be, because of your defeatism.

by Anonymousreply 8602/12/2021

Do you really want help, OP, or do you just want to be roasted? Because Reddit's /r/roastme might be more your speed.

People have taken time to give you a lot of good advice on this thread, and you haven't said whether you've absorbed or are considering any of it.

by Anonymousreply 8702/12/2021

R85 Yeah, I know someone with a trust fund and she's very hardworking. Her father pushed her very hard to succeed, which obviously was positive on that level but negatively affected her mental health.

I think it all depends on personality too. A super rich person who's very introverted and sensitive may spend their time making art or playing the piano but others need and want that social connection and are ambitious.

by Anonymousreply 8802/12/2021

I read half way through this shit

OP desperately tried to pretend she was a "trust fund baby", and is even more desperate to label herself as "quirky"

She wants to be like some character from a tv program or something. And she's lazy. What she really wants is to "get a job" that doesn't require any preparation/schooling, where she doesn't really have to do any work and gets paid a fortune

And one of her bright ideas is to become a prostitute. No matter what you tell OP, she'll have an excuse why she can't do it

I hope this is just a troll and not some pathetic person. either way, she's a waste

by Anonymousreply 8902/12/2021

R86 Are you trying to get me to kill myself?

by Anonymousreply 9002/12/2021

No I'm not. Have therapist refused to treat you?

by Anonymousreply 9102/12/2021

R89 Yep, you're right. And I'm sorry for being a waste.

by Anonymousreply 9202/12/2021

I went to a private liberal arts college that gave me a degree with a pot leaf and had their accreditation revoked last year. I know the pain of a worthless, expensive degree.

Get a factory job night shift. You won't have to talk to a lot of people they're always hiring and they'll work you to the bone. Need 4/12s over the weekend? No problem boss. Eventually you'll do anything to leave and you'll have some $ saved up by then. Plus you can usually work up the ladder. Where abouts are you? I bet I can find something in my industry pretty quick

by Anonymousreply 9302/12/2021

R91 I've had therapists for most of my life

by Anonymousreply 9402/12/2021

And right now you have one? And no drug treatment? No behavioral therapy? Do they know you have suicidal ideation?

by Anonymousreply 9502/12/2021

R95 Yes, I have a psychologist now. She mainly just listens and encourages me to put the past in the past. I don't think she feels I should be medicated. I've tried medications in the past though.

by Anonymousreply 9602/12/2021

OP, R67 & R68 here. Stop saying you're sorry and stop telling your self you are stupid. Look at all the really stupid people who horribly mess up who never apologize. Some are elected officials even.

Regarding skills, computer programs and software are a good place to start. Word Office Suite, Adobe Creative Suite, stuff like that. Community colleges offer low cost classes in practical skills that can get you a job. Really think hard about stuff you enjoy. What careers might be a good fit?

I'm retired and buy and sell antiques but it's not a big money maker. I love it though. Sometimes I look at part time job listings and think about making some extra money that way. I get emails from Indeed.com. Maybe they're not dream careers but it's paid work and may get you out of your rut.

We talk about volunteering here and careers can be had from dedicated volunteering. A close friend volunteers for a local PBS affiliate. Started helping on pledge nights and has since been trained as a camera person, lighting director, sound tech. She does it all. Ended up getting a job in law enforcement booking crooks. Good money, stressful and interesting.

Look at your local government jobs listings. There are all kinds of jobs in local government. Look at the requirements. What skills are they asking for?

The thing is, you have to start doing the research. Learn about what's out there. I retired from a government job I loved. I started in my 40s, was taking some computer classes and found I could get a government internship even as an adult. The internship was my in. I worked hard, made my self useful, learned the system, and finally got a permanent job. You have to apply yourself, focus, learn what you have to do, and don't be afraid to ask questions. You say you are spacey. Reserve that for your off times. It's time to get serious about focusing on something that will move you forward.

Good luck. I hope that you shared with us is giving you some ideas for action.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 9702/12/2021

OP, here's a link to Indeed.com. You can store your resume online, tailor your search to part or full time, and you'll get emails frequently listing jobs.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 9802/12/2021

[quote] Damn, you idiots -- can't anyone on DL spot an Extremely Silly Tale anymore?

That’s not what EST stands for, you tedious creature.

by Anonymousreply 9902/12/2021

I agree with R97.

by Anonymousreply 10002/12/2021

R97 Yeah, I've been thinking about trying to work in a local library.

by Anonymousreply 10102/12/2021

I'm also considering UX Design, Publishing, Copywriting, Librarianship and of course art therapy, but I'd need to take 7 credits of studio art and then there'd be a 2 year master program (if I could get into it)

by Anonymousreply 10202/12/2021

OP lives in an imaginary world. She's lazy and doesn't want to work

She just wants to know how she can get money ($2 million) by doing absolutely nothing at all. So do not reply about jobs or schooling

by Anonymousreply 10302/12/2021

R97 and R98 You are an Angel, do you know that?

by Anonymousreply 10402/12/2021

R103 I actually was going to write a comment thanking people for giving me a reality check. I agree that I've been living in an imaginary world and it's embarrassing and stupid and I'm trying to change.

So I do appreciate the input and have been thinking about some things. I'm actually talking to a librarian about librarianship tomorrow.

by Anonymousreply 10502/12/2021

OP a lot of us send you good vibes. Absorb them, and use that energy to whip yourself into shape.

by Anonymousreply 10602/12/2021

R106 Thank you <3

by Anonymousreply 10702/12/2021

I think becoming a librarian is the best option out of those you listed.

The thing about being an art therapist is that you haven't been doing art in many years. You will be competing against real artists who are going into the therapy field.

by Anonymousreply 10802/12/2021

R103 That’s harsh. OP is being honest about her thresholds and getting great advice. Who are you to say that something won’t click for her and that she won’t follow through on one of the suggestions?

Besides, she’s not the only one feeling the way she is, as some have admitted already, and so, the advice others are sharing isn’t a waste.

by Anonymousreply 10902/12/2021

I will post the quote again because it’s so true to life and I love it:

[bold]The tiny seed knew that in order to grow it needed to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to reach the light.[/bold]

by Anonymousreply 11002/12/2021

R108 Art therapists don't need to be great artists, art therapy is kind of its own special blend of art and psychology. The issue is that I'd need to take lots of "post bac" art courses to get into a program. So yeah, it would be a long and expensive process.

Social work is an option too but MSW work is pretty grueling.

I kind of want a fairly relaxed job where I can pursue hobbies outside of work

by Anonymousreply 11102/12/2021

OP, another thing to remember, you have a degree, which is amazing. You may not have it in the field you prefer and you may feel you didn’t do your best to earn it but [italic]you earned it[/italic] and no one can take it or that away. It also says something about your ability to complete and accomplish something.

by Anonymousreply 11202/12/2021

R112 Thank you <3

by Anonymousreply 11302/12/2021

Op, you have lots of dreams, but it only starts with one step. Pick something that will get you on the path and start your journey.

I know people who didn't get their Masters until their 50s. Once your in a field getting further education only makes you all the better. Even once I got my permanent government job I took a work related class each semester for about 7 years. I surprised even myself. I had years of brain fog before focusing but once I found a spot and I kept learning I gained great confidence. After some really challenging struggles I began to fell there wasn't anything I couldn't do.

Don't care about what other people think. It's your one and only life, live it for yourself. Put yourself first. Not that you can't be kind, but take care of yourself, don't cave to the opinions of others. Grow your strength.

by Anonymousreply 11402/12/2021

R109 Thanks for being kind <3

by Anonymousreply 11502/12/2021

R110 kinda corny but cute!

by Anonymousreply 11602/12/2021

[quote]I just kind of thought I'd be rescued somehow. I was pretty and attractive guys thought I was pretty & sweet and I thought that I could just marry one of them.I want someone to adopt me -OP

A lesbian who want to live in the age of chivalry.

So basically you are a lezbo who wants to take advantage of men, not women, while you give them nothing in return. Got it.

by Anonymousreply 11702/12/2021

I know a person who has OP’s dream life. For a while, they had been paid rather a lot for sitting around doing next to nothing in a big company that had since been made redundant by recent advancement of technology. This person I know was smart enough to get a (tiny) place to live and has some investments that generate a small income, but their life is a miserable, talking-to-your-TV kind of existence where all they do is reminisce about the perks of being affiliated to their former workplace. Beware of your dreams, OP.

by Anonymousreply 11802/12/2021

OP seems very much like every gay man's female friend ever.

Occupies hours and hours crying on your shoulder and soliciting total reinforcement and advice which she never uses.

Then vanishes when she gets some romantic attention. (OP admits she wants someone to basically adopt her, which as a female, she totally can do.)

by Anonymousreply 11902/12/2021

R119 but i'm most likely a lesbian so probably wont be adopted

-op

by Anonymousreply 12002/12/2021

Oh please, OP/R120.

If you wanted to be part of a lesbian couple, you could be paired off within weeks and you know it.

by Anonymousreply 12102/12/2021

Are you sure you're lesbian?

You talk a lot about men--and which men found you attractive or would be your escorting clients--but you have made no mention of ever having a girlfriend or how any women interacted with you.

Do you think you're asexual?

by Anonymousreply 12202/12/2021

This must be a Lesbian thing. I have a much older Lesbian friend who was once straight, had kids etc. She got divorced 30 years ago and came out. But even today with a female partner of 20 years, she dreams of the day she could meat a rich 80 year old man who would marry her so he could die off fast and leave her all his money. She's not joking, she literally talks about that dream.

What's up with wanting to use men but still remaining a lesbian?

by Anonymousreply 12302/12/2021

Hi OP! I get you. I also floated along and made bad decisions, and one of those was getting a degree in ART THERAPY! I only worked in it for a year because I was living by myself and lonely. Then I moved back in with my mom and got a job at a mall and am currently without a career.

I like the librarian idea. There's a nice dude that works at a nearby library, my husband and I have commented about how funny he is. My husband says that that is a government job so you'd get good benefits and a pension. See, I didn't know anything about things like that when I was younger. I just went through school without really having a plan. I think most people don't understand the kind of shyness you have. I was probably just as shy. I was lucky to make some good friends in college who helped me to become a semi-normal person. And actually, working in retail helped me a lot because I had to look people in the face and talk to them.

So are you a lesbian? Do you want to be rescued by a man or a woman? If either, be skinny (I think you said you lost weight) and wear makeup. You should definitely put yourself in a situation where you are with people your age. You need to fall into a group so you have people to go to bars with so you meet potential love partners. (If covid gets under control).

You are not the only shy fuckup in the world, because I am one too. Please don't hurt yourself.

by Anonymousreply 12402/12/2021

[quote]she dreams of the day she could meat a rich 80 year old man

:shudder: Chiiile...

by Anonymousreply 12502/12/2021

Women are more prone to being bisexual than men are, R123, and I would venture that the revenge fantasy of using men as men have used women for centuries can be powerful.

However—OP seems to want to be used like those women from antiquity. She doesn't want to do the work necessary to support herself and live on her own.

by Anonymousreply 12602/12/2021

Library jobs can be competitive. A good way to find out it's a good fit it to volunteer at a library. Work hard and be reliable and when jobs open up you might have a bit of an edge.

by Anonymousreply 12702/12/2021

I have never met a lesbian whose dream was to marry an old man. Or any man, for that matter.

by Anonymousreply 12802/12/2021

It's for the money R128. But funny she would never do that to a wealthy woman.

by Anonymousreply 12902/12/2021

R122 So I've never felt any kind of sexual or romantic attraction to a guy. I never daydreamed of guys when I was younger or anything like that. I did have really intense sexual chemistry with a high school female friend but we never acted on it lol. It's the only time I felt that shaking attraction feeling

by Anonymousreply 13002/12/2021

R129 I guess I feel like a wealthy woman would be more likely to want someone who's independently wealthy or very successful/cool. Guys aren't as picky lmao

by Anonymousreply 13102/12/2021

Have you ever had sex, OP? Since you are aspiring to be an escort you might want to start volunteering, that could give you an edge if there is a job opening.

by Anonymousreply 13202/12/2021

R124 Thank you for such a kind comment, MeKiki! Still working on losing weight (I had gained a lot tbh). The issue with the library thing is that the only viable volunteer opportunity would be in the suburb I live in, which doesn't have a lot of young people. Library work is super super saturated in NYC.

I guess I could do something like get a paralegal certificate and work in the city. I don't think I'd like that job though but idk.

by Anonymousreply 13302/12/2021

I'm not sure becoming an escort is ever the best idea. Keep noodling on that one. Librarian sounds about right. Maybe just go to the library and sit there for a while and see how it feels.

by Anonymousreply 13402/12/2021

OP, your life sounds extremely similar to mine, except I'm a good ten years older than you. Last year, I started therapy for the first time, and now I'm able to see how much I ruminated (obsessed) over all my faults, and that decreased my self confidence, leading to more rumination. It was a vicious circle.

See if you can get therapy. If you can't do that right away, check out the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. If you have Amazon Prime, you can read it free online. Especially read the section about "cognitive distortions". This will help you understand some of the common thinking traps we fall into, without even realizing it.

How about this career path. You can take art classes at a community college. The fees will be low, and the art studio will likely have all the same supplies as the closest university. Because you already have a bachelor's degree, you can earn an associates degree quickly without having to complete the general studies requirements. Because you'll be taking courses you enjoy, you'll could end up with a very high GPA. Also, you could make friends in the art courses. Also, maybe the school has a club for LGBT students. Find a way to volunteer. Make a good impression on your professors because you're going to need them in your next steps.

Apply for a masters degree in counseling or psychology. Note: a lot of people go into that field because they're looking to heal themselves.

by Anonymousreply 13502/12/2021

I don't think you'll appreciate my comment but I feel compelled to tell you that wanting easy money and an easy life are recipes for disaster and self-contempt. Think about what motivates you--what gives you energy. Also, think about what you could do to help others--art therapy is about helping others, so that must motivate you on some level. Did you want to work with children? The happiest people I know have done useful work that improves/d the lives of other people.

by Anonymousreply 13602/12/2021

R136 I appreciate your comment. So true. Just doing something small for someone in need that appreciates it is so rewarding.

by Anonymousreply 13702/12/2021

Good luck, OP. My life changed around at about 28 and got gradually better.

No one is having the great time you might think they are.

by Anonymousreply 13802/12/2021

If you've only felt sexual attraction once in your life--I don't think you're a lesbian. You might be asexual.

by Anonymousreply 13902/12/2021

R139 Hmm maybe but I've always been so deep in my head that I'm really an odd case

by Anonymousreply 14002/13/2021

I would like to make an unorthodox suggestion. - Tony Robbins: I'm not your Guru. Seriously. Not a fan, used to make fun of him actually, thought he was a bit OTT, unhinged, whatever. But I just subscribed to Netflix a few weeks ago and out of sheer curiosity clicked on this bizarre feature and .....um...I just highly recommend you get your hands on this movie feature sooner rather than later.

Tease: Tony goes deep, deep deep into various people's psyche and extracts inner demons or blockages and that person is transformed. Sounds very textbook crank but it is not. Couldn't stop watching...."intervention" after "intervention" just leaves you (the audience) kind of exhausted, yet incredibly amazing and energized. I am going to recommend you watch the entire movie but there's a 20 something year old woman/daughter who appears with this very innocuous, innocent, "problem" of "life issue" and within seconds, Robbins uncovers deep-seated issues affecting her entire life. Must be seen. You won't waste your time, I guarantee.

Again, not a Robbins fan. Not a troll. Not a shill.

by Anonymousreply 14102/13/2021

R141 Not op but I’m curious now!

by Anonymousreply 14202/13/2021

R141 I watched a bit but Tony Robbins just strikes me as a creepy sociopath tbh

-OP

by Anonymousreply 14302/13/2021

Does anyone want to be my friend/confidant? Please?

-OP

by Anonymousreply 14402/13/2021

OP you are either a troll or seriously in need of a psychiatrist (zero shame in that BTW). If you are beautiful (which you say you are) then glam it up and enjoy that. Hell, my roommate is depressive but when you are a female and good looking there is power. Just put yourself nicely together and go out. Forget those who say you are weird. We are all a bit kooky.

by Anonymousreply 14502/13/2021

[quote] Hmm maybe but I've always been so deep in my head that I'm really an odd case

No, your not. Stop trying to be some imaginary tv character. Stop trying to label yourself as "something". You're just an average, unremarkable person, like the rest of us

Go do some volunteer work and stop thinking all about yourself

by Anonymousreply 14602/13/2021

If you can’t yet bring yourself to get out into the world and volunteer, endeavor to fill every waking moment with reading, TV, video games, etc. — anything to keep from thinking only about yourself all damn day.

You would benefit from living an unexamined life for a while.

by Anonymousreply 14702/13/2021

R145 Even people who are artists call me an oddball lol

by Anonymousreply 14802/13/2021

[quote]Tony goes deep, deep deep into various people's psyche and extracts inner demons or blockages and that person is transformed. Sounds very textbook crank but it is not.

Datalounge is full of big fat dummies these days.

Robbins is a con man and the movie was staged.

by Anonymousreply 14902/13/2021

Working with the public is demanding, OP, (the Librarian idea) Even working in an academic library is not without stress. You can't hide away in some office, you have to be out there, front of house, so to speak. Helping people can be feel good but can also be pretty tiring.

Read "The Choice" by Edith Eger.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 15002/13/2021

OP I am an INFP too. 38, just moved back in with my mom. I...understand your struggle. This hits close to home. 30 is young but the 30s go by extremely fast so I would go into Art Therapy if I were you but start now. I may have to enter the health field and I am not happy about it but I am 38 and need money sorely. Good Luck, and just know there are some of us out here that intricately know your pain.

by Anonymousreply 15102/13/2021

R151 To go into art therapy I'll need to take like, 7 studio art courses unfortunately

by Anonymousreply 15202/13/2021

R151 Do you think being a social worker would be that bad?

by Anonymousreply 15302/13/2021

OP is a terrible candidate for social work. Social Workers have their feet on the ground and are very brass-tacks.

by Anonymousreply 15402/13/2021

I'm not understanding all the suggestions to become a therapist or social worker. You have to get your life together, to some degree, before you hang your shingle to help others.

by Anonymousreply 15502/13/2021

R154 Many social workers struggle with issues of their own.

My neighbor is a social worker and she's encouraging me to do a MSW

by Anonymousreply 15602/13/2021

I disagree with your neighbor.

by Anonymousreply 15702/13/2021

R157 Then what should I do?

by Anonymousreply 15802/13/2021

Get a job and keep it. Get a shrink who isn't warehousing you. Tell the shrink your primary objective is to keep a job and make a few social contacts and establish a friend or two. Do this for 2 years and then reevaluate. You are living in dreamland and a very extended adolescence.

by Anonymousreply 15902/13/2021

R159 I'd rather kill myself

by Anonymousreply 16002/13/2021

oh, brother.

by Anonymousreply 16102/13/2021

R161 How am I supposed to move forward with my life in a dead end job?

by Anonymousreply 16202/13/2021

I know, keep dreaming about a great job with no skills for holding a job whatsoever. That would sure move you forward in life. Certainly worked miracles in your 20s.

by Anonymousreply 16302/13/2021

A secret you seem to be ignorant of is that there are plenty of people who are somewhat content in their lives despite a "deadend" or mundane job. This is because a good life is about attitude, once the basics are taken care of.

by Anonymousreply 16402/13/2021

Get Medical Help (pills for depression). Also stop this fucking poor me attitude and grow up. Go work at a store like Safeway or Walmart and stock up groceries or work as a janitor at a high school that should be a wake up call about how shitty life can be. Pretty soon you will not take life for granted and grow a spine.

by Anonymousreply 16502/13/2021

I have Ivy and fancy European degrees and have had great jobs but I live in mostly working class buildings in Switzerland and Egypt. Many of my neighbors work "deadend" jobs and some of them manage to be delightful and charming. You can find the good in relationships in any job, usually. There is also the integrity of work, which inherently is a productive contribution to society.

by Anonymousreply 16602/13/2021

Let’s focus on what you have going for you: a degree from Vassar. What do you have your degree in; was it English Lit?

How about working with people who can’t read or teaching people English?

by Anonymousreply 16702/13/2021

Here’s a good thread for you to read.

“I’m fucking depressed...”

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 16802/13/2021

I hate getting stuck. Have you tried metamucil?

by Anonymousreply 16902/13/2021

How do you become "theoretically" interested in art and art history? What does that mean?

by Anonymousreply 17002/13/2021

Poser is what it means.

by Anonymousreply 17102/13/2021

R170 It means that I thought I would find a husband or partner in college/get rescued and study those things in my free time without the pressure.

I know, it's completely delusional. That's how I thought about things, sadly. I was kind of living in a blur and surrounded by trust fund kids and fellow students who didn't work that hard. I think it was a combination of being coddled, being spacey/a daydreamer, and not having any fun in high school so I kind of did my version of going crazy basically.

by Anonymousreply 17202/13/2021

My very rich friends at fancy schools went on to marry within their strata (overwhelmingly), or they married bootstrappers with dynamite looks and demonstrable careers - e.g. attractive successful meritocrats. Did you not pick up on this dynamic at Vassar and post graduation? You fantasy was extra deluded as it was outdated by half a century.

by Anonymousreply 17302/13/2021

That's because OP is a 50-year-old man.

by Anonymousreply 17402/13/2021

He would have to be a 70+ year old man to have this tired stereotype of the Ivy and Seven Sisters dynamic.

by Anonymousreply 17502/13/2021

Forget art therapy. Social work seems a miserable profession (as a MD I have worked with so many angry. bitter social workers).

To be competitive in the library profession, you need a masters in library science. Look into that. If you are in NY, focus your search on SUNY schools.

I originally planned to go into social work. Thank god I love science and went to a top university where I graduated Phi Beta kappa. I work 20 hours/week as a MD and live a somewhat modest and happy life.

And definitely get on some meds. Are you ADHD? Maybe try Provigil/modafinil for motivation. You can get that online from India without a prescription.

by Anonymousreply 17602/13/2021

You need to enroll in a counseling or art therapy class, asap. You probably need to have some prerequisites to get into a master's program. So find out what the prerq class is and take that class?

Also, you need to get on medication for your depression, asap.

Talk therapy is fine. Support is fine. Know that these things do not change your life externally at all. It sounds like you like art therapy. So if this is true, taking this class will be helpful.

No body can take away your degree. You already successful received that degree. Focus on the class and MEDICATION right now.

by Anonymousreply 17702/13/2021

Social work is a fucking nightmare, do not do that to yourself.

by Anonymousreply 17802/13/2021

R175 There was a guy who said he basically would support me. I think that fed into my toxic delusions

by Anonymousreply 17902/13/2021

R177 Yeah I would literally need to take like 7 studio art classes. Unfortunately there is no singular art therapy class that I could take

by Anonymousreply 18002/13/2021

R178 I think most jobs are probably nightmares honestly lol

by Anonymousreply 18102/13/2021

[quote] It means that I thought I would find a husband or partner in college/get rescued and study those things in my free time without the pressure.

Another thing no lesbian has ever said.

You remind me so much of a girl I went to college with--except she was REALLY funny and witty. People overlooked how needy she was because she was fun to be around--and also, didn't want to selfishly talk only about herself 100% of the time. But she had these same sort of issues of asking other people what they thought she should do with her life, and then turning down all good advice.

We've given you the best advice we've got. What more do you want from us?

by Anonymousreply 18202/13/2021

Dear OP you Darling Georgia Peach, with your Vassar degree, your ambitious grit to be an art therapist you above all are more than qualified to be an amazing escort. Just act like the depressed frigid sad dry down there loser that you are. Charge top dollar though. A loser lesbian like you sleeping with these men is just hot and in great demand. I would strongly suggest that you start your escorting with a diverse rich clientele............Gary Busey and Randy Quaid would be a great start. Finally the grand prize for you is Donald Trump 👏 👍 I sincerely hope you get your $2 million dollars. People especially straight guys can't wait to spend their hard earned money on a escort who is a depressed wannabe art therapist lazy ass lesbian but in a nutshell 💦💤👎THE BIGGEST LOSER 🥲

by Anonymousreply 18302/13/2021

R182 No one's forcing you to continue responding... I already hate myself

by Anonymousreply 18402/13/2021

Tbh it sounds like you're not really thinking clearly at all right now. I think you should get medically and mentally evaluated first, because going from "loner lesbian" to "paid escort" screams manic behaviour me.

by Anonymousreply 18502/13/2021

Don’t be a social worker. If you think you’re depressed NOW...

I’m sorry about your mom.

Perhaps you can do something with animals.

by Anonymousreply 18602/13/2021

You need therapy, hon. On-going, and perhaps anti-depressants.

One sign that you're stuck is asking advice from strangers. You've got to take the risk to get close to one other human being and open up. Intimacy with one other leads to intimacy with self.

People with self-hatred don't want to reveal themselves.

by Anonymousreply 18702/13/2021

Can we take a look at your tits? 🤷🏻‍♂️

by Anonymousreply 18802/13/2021

R186 I've thought about becoming a vet tech but I feel like I wouldn't be able to support myself.

by Anonymousreply 18902/13/2021

R188 Nah, they look bad

-OP

by Anonymousreply 19002/13/2021

Medicated and sleepwalking is not what the rest of them were doing. What was your diagnosis at the time? How much do you drink/smoke weed? You sound stoned.

by Anonymousreply 19102/13/2021

R191 I think you have the wrong thread

by Anonymousreply 19202/13/2021

OP, I can't be your friend because I'm too old now. But you DO need a group to hang out with once the covid gets under control. What do you do that is weird? I've always been weird but after high school where I was completely alone (no friends, no dates) I've always found people who wanted to hang out.

You do kind of have to figure out if you're gay or straight. I don't know, maybe you don't. But keep dieting (I'm dieting now too), because you seem like you want to attract a mate of some sort. Do you want to have children?

Do you have medical insurance? That seems to be the main reason to get a job at this point (and to make friends, or at least semi-friends to go places with). Otherwise you can start making money selling stuff on ebay or Poshmark. That's kind of fun.

by Anonymousreply 19302/13/2021

Also, why the heck Art Therapy? Like I said, I know something about it.

by Anonymousreply 19402/13/2021

R193 Thanks MeKiki, I do have Medicaid right now.

And with regard to art therapy, I just like the idea of it, I feel like it would be a more relaxing way to help people. Certainly a lot less daunting than a MSW!

by Anonymousreply 19502/13/2021

Someone, anyone please help OP. I think she should set up an escort page on LinkedIn.

by Anonymousreply 19602/13/2021

Art Therapy might work for you, I don't know. I went to an art school for college so I needed more psychology classes. I took those the summer between college and grad school. I would think you could blow through some art classes in a year. I graduated from art therapy school over 25 years ago. My biggest problem with it was that nobody seemed to take it seriously, and I felt like I'd always have to be proving myself. Then I really messed up and got stuck in retail. Things are probably really different now. A lot of really dippy gals were in my program, in hindsight. I think a Vassar grad would blow everyone away. You're used to studying and writing, but a lot of these gals were not. Also, what everyone is saying here is true. People who go into those professions (anything to do with psychology) are mental messes. I was not prepared for that. I'm a mental mess but I'm not generally mean to other people (someone once described me as the type that takes things out on myself, not those around me). At the end of the two years, very few of us were still speaking to each other.

by Anonymousreply 19702/13/2021

Am convinced OP is a troll, not worth the time. All help offered is met with "yes but." Nothing OP has said is true or worth our time.

by Anonymousreply 19802/13/2021

Being an art therapist would be a great way to give back to other people. You'd have to work under supervision of another therapist for a couple of years while you're earning your license, but then you could open your own practice, set your own hours, and set your own fees.

Your 30s is a great age to go back to school, and you'll likely meet friends who will be your future peers. I remember an Ann Landers column where a letter writer asked Ann Landers if he was too old to go back to school to get a certain type of degree because he'd be X age when he graduated. And responded, "how old will you be then if you don't go back to school?"

by Anonymousreply 19902/13/2021

R198 Definitely not a troll. Wish I was!

by Anonymousreply 20002/13/2021

[quote] Definitely not a troll. Wish I was!

But you are, Blanche.

You are.

by Anonymousreply 20102/13/2021

OP, you graduated around the age of 22? What did you work since then? Was there never a job you liked a little bit?

by Anonymousreply 20202/13/2021

R202 It's a disaster.. I took an extra semester to graduate so I was technically 23 and then I just went home and helped take care of my mom who was very sick with Alzheimers' for a number of years. So I've never really had a real job apart from one year where I did a public health thing. Which is ridiculous.

by Anonymousreply 20302/13/2021

Were you friends with Alex AKA Sasha Velour?

by Anonymousreply 20402/13/2021

Eric Liu?

by Anonymousreply 20502/13/2021

OP, how did you get into college? You must have been trying for something at that point. Did you have friends in college?

by Anonymousreply 20602/13/2021

R206 Yeah, I had a few friends. I worked really really hard in high school.

by Anonymousreply 20702/13/2021

OP, are any of your friends nearby? Are they all married or partnered?

Are you feeling any better?

by Anonymousreply 20802/13/2021

R208 I don't really have friends. However, I reconnected with one of them and will chat with her tomorrow.

Honestly my feelings change all the time, I can go from suicidal to at-peace and trying to be constructive within the same minute

by Anonymousreply 20902/13/2021

R208 Thank you for being so caring.

by Anonymousreply 21002/13/2021

R209 Cyclothymia, perhaps?

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 21102/13/2021

R211 Maybe. Although I think anyone in my situation would be like this, quite frankly.

by Anonymousreply 21202/13/2021

OP, do you have nice feet? There are tons of guys into women's feet. You can make money that way.

by Anonymousreply 21302/13/2021

[quote] Although I think anyone in my situation would be like this, quite frankly.

No, they wouldn't.

by Anonymousreply 21402/13/2021

OP, don't become a sex worker. I'm your age and I just moved back home due to a bad PTSD episode--sex work only worsened my already fragile mental state. If you are hellbent on entering the industry, try OnlyFans, by don't expect to make any money because the market is very saturated.

by Anonymousreply 21502/13/2021

R215 Is 30 too old to become a sex worker?

by Anonymousreply 21602/13/2021

OP, if your dream job is to be married to some guy who will take care of you, then it follows that you should approach it as a job search. Did you confuse DL with a dating website or do you expect DLers to write your personal ad? With your alleged good looks and Vassar degree you could maybe try to make it as an egg donor and a surrogate for some wealthy gay couple, but you need to tone down the suicide talk and it probably won’t pay as much as you’d like (but that’s the case with any job that was discussed on this thread, so you will need to manage your expectations).

by Anonymousreply 21702/13/2021

The only people who imagine they are tv characters and live in imaginary world are schizophrenics

by Anonymousreply 21802/13/2021

R218 Yeah, that's a good point but I'm apparently not schizophrenic, just crazy

by Anonymousreply 21902/13/2021

Mary! I'm slightly younger, but I related to the OP's story (prestigious college, depression and feeling stuck, realizing that I'm probably a lesbian). I'm still struggling, but I'm in a better place now than I was right out of college. Meds and therapy helped, as did taking concrete steps towards the things that I fantasized about. Stewing in my unhappiness about lost opportunities did absolutely nothing, quelle surprise.

Also, I want to give the benefit of the doubt, but I second the comments about the plausibility of a lesbian considering a boob job and sex work.

by Anonymousreply 22002/13/2021

R220 Honestly I'm just lazy af and if I need to get a boob job to make lots of money, I'm fine with that.

by Anonymousreply 22102/14/2021

[quote] Honestly I'm just lazy af and if I need to get a boob job to make lots of money, I'm fine with that.

Honestly, I think this is a bullshit thread.

One last post from me, in case this is real--

Get your thyroid, iron, and vitamin levels checked.

by Anonymousreply 22202/14/2021

I have been reading DL for years. Two things struck me about this stupid crazy thread. One, you DL'rs are some of the most big-hearted, helpful folks ever - just repeating yourselves over and over to help OP. Two, OP has been wasting your time. She feels great getting all your kind thoughts and suggestions and is the kind of person who wants to play verbal ping-pong with you for years!

You've done enough here. I can't believe I wasted this time reading all these posts. Being a great listener, I have known way way too many people like this.

by Anonymousreply 22302/14/2021

Stop finding excuses why you can't do something - anything - & start finding ways around those potential difficulties, OP. If you wall off every possible avenue with "but but but" you'll be looking at nothing except walls & continue spinning in this naval-gazing funk. You have to start moving, kiddo. No deus ex machina is coming to save you.

by Anonymousreply 22402/14/2021

[quote] Two, OP has been wasting your time. She feels great getting all your kind thoughts and suggestions and is the kind of person who wants to play verbal ping-pong with you for years!

Truth.

by Anonymousreply 22502/14/2021

Jesus Christ. If real, OP is a total sink of despair, down wh anyone helpful and misled enuff to respond will throw buckets of counsel, just to hear her say, no i dont wanna do that, no i cant do that...we had a few passthru AA around here, it's useless, they want your attention but give back nothing but despair and more depression. These need meds, reality therapy., a job. Then the bored overgrown kind who plays people. cant tell from this end which this is, but its ALL USELESS. FUCK YOU OP, stepping off a chair is quick and relatively painless. mind how you anchor the rope.

by Anonymousreply 22602/14/2021

OP, have you thought of nude modelling? Most art therapists get started as nude models for art classes. A good way to get started and you don't even have to talk to anyone.

by Anonymousreply 22702/14/2021

Thanimus ain't playin'.

by Anonymousreply 22802/14/2021

Sorry you're in such a painful quandry, OP.

I didn't read the entire thread but you are only 30. You have tons of time to make it happen for you in a satisfying way. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't there yet.

Have you thought about any possibilities of working at or volunteering at art related places like a museum or gallery or historical society? That gets you in the area and interacting with people in the arts. Obviously Covid may delay such activities but maybe not - maybe they need young people now to replace those older more vulnerables. All those places may have or could develop art therapy programs either in house or as an outreach program. Think outside the box. Explore online. If this is down time for you use this time to make this topic your rabbit hole.

Good luck, OP.

PS Stop the ridiculous sex work/prostitution talk. That's just larping.

by Anonymousreply 22902/14/2021

I miss the days where one can just move to Hollywood and become a street whore.

by Anonymousreply 23002/14/2021

OP is useless and my aquarium fish have more value in life. To think all this nice useful feedback and here is this cunt not taking any. She stinks of playing the victimhood with a narcist bend. I hope you rot in hell you fucking Bitch. OP You are not worthy to lick dogshit.

by Anonymousreply 23102/14/2021

R224 Thank you, I agree

-OP

by Anonymousreply 23202/14/2021

Blah blah blah.

Me me me me me.

You oughta. You oughta. You oughta.

Poor puppy. Poor puppy. Poor puppy.

Me too. Me too. Me too.

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

More! More! More! More!

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

Repeat.

by Anonymousreply 23302/14/2021

R233 I already have professional help but thanks

by Anonymousreply 23402/14/2021

In case OP is not a troll. Get over the whole "I am too weird even for weirdos" whine. I have met ALL kinds of people and since you are capable of graduating college, signing onto DL and writing coherent sentences you are not "too weird". Lazy absolutely, but there is a peer group for you. You can find a compatible group by searching online. Even if you join a sex workers group for how to's that is enough. No one is going take care of you unless you offer them something in return. I suspect you revel in being stuck so maybe that is all you get in life.

by Anonymousreply 23502/14/2021

Hello

This is a message for OP. I am Blair Swinton, Deputy Director of Development and Alumni Relations at Vassar College. Please contact me at your earliest convenience. The good news is that we have refunded to your father the 340K of his hard earned money that you wasted, with nothing to show for the excellent and esteemed liberal education that has been at the core of Vassar College's mission for over 150 years. The bad news its that we have reminded your Bachelor Degree, effective immediately.

We wish you every success in your future endeavors. We hear that Walmart in Wappinger's Falls is hiring.

Sincerely,

BBSwinton

CC: Chief Counsel, Vassar Office of Legal Affairs

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 23602/14/2021

rescinded! RESCINDED.

OK just kidding OP, dear, but go do something and get out of your mind, which seems like a dreary place to hang out. Worse than Poughkeepsie!

by Anonymousreply 23702/14/2021

R237 lol thanks blair

by Anonymousreply 23802/14/2021

Some of you bitches are brutal and may have more severe mental health issues than op.

by Anonymousreply 23902/14/2021

R239 Thanks but I doubt it.

-OP

by Anonymousreply 24002/14/2021

If you don't like the road you're on, pave another one.

by Anonymousreply 24102/14/2021

Op, I am mentally ill myself, and think of killing myself every day. I do not project my ‘woe is me’ bullshit upon the world. You have been given good advice. I have had similar advice given to me in the past. There is nothing left for anyone to say. You have to decide what path you are going to take. Your neediness is annoying. Choose to fight, or don’t. It is your decision. Random Internet strangers aren’t going to make that decision for you. We can’t make you want to fight to save yourself. No one can do that but you.

by Anonymousreply 24202/14/2021

You should join a cult, become a Mormon have a man you rarely have to fuck take care of you while you teach art therapy to his brood and fuck the other wives.

Have you ever taken Ehrhardt Seminar Training?

by Anonymousreply 24302/14/2021

R243 has a point. It would be so easy (assuming you are Caucasian) to move to Utah and get picked up as a 5th wife. This could really work well if you are into women. Maybe you can have a relationship with wife 4. If you don’t click, you can go out and meet wife 6. Recruit her into your little cult, make her your secret wife, and you are all golden! You live for free, and get to have a hot secret wife.

by Anonymousreply 24402/14/2021

OP, how are you holding up? Also, has any of the advice you’ve been offered resonated with you?

by Anonymousreply 24502/14/2021

R245 I am doing ok, lots of ups and downs though and beating myself up still.

If anyone wants to talk to me, I made an email address: singingforbirds@mail.com

by Anonymousreply 24602/15/2021

R246 Was OP (me)

by Anonymousreply 24702/15/2021

Stop ruminating over your life and actually do something. You’re wasting years asking for advice and approval like a needy, coddled child. Lose weight, get plastic surgery, and get a job.

by Anonymousreply 24802/15/2021

Actually if people want to email me they can do so at wembleton739@gmail.com

-OP

by Anonymousreply 24902/15/2021

R246 Make a list of 3-10 things that you admire about yourself or that make you proud.

Also, make a list of 3-10 things you want to change about yourself or that you would like to learn to do/be.

Sometimes it helps getting some of these personal goals out of your head and down on paper, where you can see, review, and even modify them if need be.

Start going for brisk walks for both physical fitness and to clear your mind. Also, for the endorphins, I.e., natural antidepressants.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 25002/15/2021

[quote]You have tons of time to make it happen for you in a satisfying way.

Not really, r229. As another poster pointed out, the 30s go by in a flash. I can vouch for that. One minute I was 33, then the next minute, horrified to be turning 40. That aside, I was the one who recommended Tony Robbins. Regardless of his own 'sociopathic' tendencies, forget the marketing, he at least explores the concept of what holds people back. That was my point. Sometimes, people need to be jolted into taking action. You are essentially selling yourself on line under the guise of seeking advice - talk about a defeatist attitude.

by Anonymousreply 25102/15/2021

R250 Thank you for your kind, concrete suggestions <3 <3 <3

by Anonymousreply 25202/15/2021

R250. Yes, well done.

by Anonymousreply 25302/15/2021

R227 ?????

by Anonymousreply 25402/16/2021

Got a suggestion for you--thinking outside the box here.

Do you know that you can hire a virtual assistant in India for $5 an hour. For 150 per month, which is nothing, you could talk to someone about your day (or whatever) for one hour every day who is being paid to listen to you (but not at therapists' rates). You clearly need an ear, but you're going to have trouble finding friends because you're so needy, selfish, and annoying.

by Anonymousreply 25502/16/2021

Good news, I may have snagged a full time job at my local library. However, I'm concerned about being stuck in my home town forever so still considering other options.

by Anonymousreply 25602/16/2021

R256 Chiiile....

by Anonymousreply 25702/16/2021

Agree with 257. Take the job, for god's sake.

by Anonymousreply 25802/16/2021

R256 P.S. Remind yourself that it may very well be a stepping stone, i.e., you won’t be stuck there forever if you don’t want to be. You do, however, have to start somewhere.

by Anonymousreply 25902/16/2021

R256 Thanks. I'm also considering potentially going into PR

by Anonymousreply 26002/16/2021

Jesus Fucking Christ, take the library job. Tomorrow. Pick up the phone and accept the job. Don't think it over any more, because you'll be stuck in imaginary land.

Taking the job will hopefully wake you up and bring you to reality. You'll meet people, and you'll have something to say at the end of the day other than "I hung out in my room."

I've had jobs where almost everyone there was 20-30 years older than me, and they were wonderful people.

Please, I am begging you, take this fucking job. Do it for your father, so he can have hope.

Here's the thing-you don't have one perfect way forward. You just have to start moving. Don't worry annoy what others will think. Hell, you're too quirky and unique to care about opinions.

Also, look into maladaptive daydreaming. You may be suffering from it.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 26102/16/2021

So help me God if one of you emails this person and offers money, I will lose my shit.

OP, how did you find DL?

As others have said upthread, not working is not actually a dream life. Humans are not built that way, otherwise you'd be on cloud nine right now, prancing through years of not working.

Humans need accomplishment, even minor ones, to feel satisfied and maintain good mental health. A life spent avoiding work is asking for trouble mentally.

Also, you are not unique in your inability to launch. There are many online groups for peer support for NEETs.

No one is fixing this for you, because you aren't in a fairy tale. You are extremely fortunate to have a kind father willing to support you while you make your initial efforts. There are thousands in your position without the benefits you have at your disposal.

Please, think of your parents. What did they do to pay for Vassar, and you want to repay those efforts by becoming a sex worker because you're too good to do traditional jobs?

I do wish you'd give us your therapist's email, because I'd like to send then some wine. I have a piercing headache from listening to you talk in circles and deny reality. I can only imagine how they've suffered.

Please. Take the advice here. We want to see you do better. Or if you are fictional, make up an ending that will let us feel relief.

by Anonymousreply 26202/16/2021

Consider prayer and/or meditation. I don’t give a fuck if you consider either to be “woo woo” or “a belief in magic.” They [italic]will[/italic] work.

by Anonymousreply 26302/16/2021

Gonna make a million dollars.

I wanna live on by the sea.

Have a husband and some children.

Yeah, I guess I want a family.

I'm your private dancer,

dancer for money,

do what you want me to do.

by Anonymousreply 26402/16/2021

Your life is over

by Anonymousreply 26502/16/2021

R292 Thank you, I actually haven't been offered the job yet, it's just tentative. The librarian has a connection to my dad.

And yes, I agree that I suffer from maladaptive daydreaming

by Anonymousreply 26602/16/2021

R292 Honestly I feel like not working is the dream life for some. It really depends on one's personality

-OP

by Anonymousreply 26702/16/2021

I'm looking into that "personal blessing" Prince Charles had done on PEI,for you. Besides ECT & chemical castration, really don't know what the hell is gonna FIX you. Lord knows and so do you, gave it my all. Almost 6 years ago, gave up. Self preservation.

by Anonymousreply 26802/16/2021

R262 No one has emailed me, let alone offered me money :(

by Anonymousreply 26902/16/2021

OP, please take the library job. You will meet lots of people and you will get asked out.

by Anonymousreply 27002/16/2021

R270 I'm not sure if I'll get officially hired... I'm being considered first for it but my resume was kind of a wreck. Also I'm a bit fat, But thanks for the encouragement <3

by Anonymousreply 27102/16/2021

With all due respect, Ma'am, I've got problems of my own.

by Anonymousreply 27202/16/2021

R56 - we all are, at this point, stuck and want to get out more. Take a job going out somewhere honey. I am ready to quit believe me.

R57 - don't assume that she is not a lesbian if she says she is. I have exactly two openly lesbian women at work. One is exactly like OP - hides in the house, hates everything and everyone, always HUGE drama and blames it all on being openly gay in Romania. The other is the polar opposite in that she's totally extroverted, great conversationalist, is well regarded for her good nature, sick of being in the house because she is great with people and charming and just an overall lovely person. Sexuality doesn't determine personality.

by Anonymousreply 27302/16/2021

Romania guy, you should write a book about your ex-patriot experiences when you get back. Your stories, when they pop up in threads, are hilarious.

by Anonymousreply 27402/17/2021

R264 😂🤣😂🤣

by Anonymousreply 27502/17/2021

R272 🤣

by Anonymousreply 27602/17/2021

R274 Suggest a story/thread. I’m curious now.

by Anonymousreply 27702/17/2021

Listen to this on repeat.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 27802/17/2021

R278 Ok I"ll try

-OP

by Anonymousreply 27902/17/2021

You're doing remarkably well on your own but this seminar will change your life.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 28002/17/2021

Does anyone have a recommendation for a teletherapy therapist?

-OP

by Anonymousreply 28102/17/2021

Can someone google chat with me please? wembleton739@gmail.com

-OP

by Anonymousreply 28202/17/2021

OP, you are needier than a chihuahua (and not nearly as cute).

by Anonymousreply 28302/18/2021

R283 I know... :/

by Anonymousreply 28402/18/2021

Did you do the exercise suggested 100 posts ago? I thought not. Done anything for others, I thought not. You'll never make a choice about anything because that would mean eliminating other choices and you like to have all your options open because you're daddies little girl and you're special.

Lazy and entitled waiting for your inheritance, why not make a plan to off your father. Or, you could combine all your previously mentioned career choices into one. ONLYFANS. Make a room with all your art supplies and books and beanie bags and shit and tell your fans, you'll stick anything they see in the room up your fat ass. WWW. Illstickanythingupmyass.com

You'll have men give you money and tell you what to do but you wont have to touch them. It's very similar to public relations which you've really thought about considering strongly both the positives AND the negatives before deciding to do nothing.

by Anonymousreply 28502/18/2021

R285 Thanks for the suggestion

by Anonymousreply 28602/18/2021

R285, hon, don't make me come over there

by Anonymousreply 28702/18/2021

Someone please adopt me.

-OP

by Anonymousreply 28802/18/2021

Bitch, you're 30. You still have time.

Let go of the hem of your dress and get up and LIVE. Do something, anything, that YOU want to do.

by Anonymousreply 28902/18/2021

R289 Easier to just kill myself.

by Anonymousreply 29002/18/2021

Killing yourself will emotionally destroy your father. He'll spend the rest of his life wrestling with what he could have done differently.

Trying is better than plunging your father into a living nightmare.

Try something, anything.

If you are looking for people to private message you, you'll have better luck on reddit.

by Anonymousreply 29102/18/2021

R291 I know that it will. I'm extremely self-absorbed though right now, and I basically have no motivation whatsoever.

by Anonymousreply 29202/18/2021

R292, butyouwere always this way. Nothing has changed except for the fact that you're aging out. Aging is a gift for a select few. You're not in that pool

No potential. That's the core of your matter.

Never wanna have to think about you but you're obsessed w/me & hacking my devices/accounts

One of many of your victims

Tidy up the place cause I'm gonna be showing up w/police for a welfare check. And RUDY! is waiting right outside your door

RUDY!!!

by Anonymousreply 29302/18/2021

r292. On the contrary, you are extremely motivated to complain and take from others. R250 gave good advice which you agreed with. Did you follow it?

by Anonymousreply 29402/18/2021

R294 I did. The problem is that I don't like anything about myself and the things that I'd change are partly things I can't change

by Anonymousreply 29502/18/2021

Maybe you can get one of the lightbulbs for seasonal affective disorder?

by Anonymousreply 29602/18/2021

OP = You lost me when you used the word LESBIAN........Can gay men have NOTHING to ourselves?

by Anonymousreply 29702/18/2021

Depression lies to you.

Here's some wisdom from the "Feeling Good" book, which I highly recommend-no one ever said you have to feel like doing something in order to do it.

Some small steps can help break you out of this mindset you're stuck in.

I promise you, no one would be doing well sitting inside all day, dependent on their father for support and without a social life. Your circumstances ARE changeable, no matter what how your brain lies to you.

Get the Feeling Good book and workbook. Follow up on the library gig.

You are a physically healthy 30 year old with a degree from Vassar. This is hardly starting over from square one. Fuck where your peers are and what they're doing. Comparison is the thief of joy. Your life isn't turning out the way you wanted, well join the massive club.

You have the capability to change your life. Don't waste it.

by Anonymousreply 29802/18/2021

OP, I still don't understand what's so bad about you that makes you not like yourself. Tell us the bad stuff. I know a lot of the guys here are mad about your lack of motivation and not taking advice, but you still might end up taking someone's advice. But now I want to hear the bad stuff.

by Anonymousreply 29902/18/2021

op you only have one life so do whatever makes you happy, even if it is nothing. Don't worry about other people's judgements, they're probably just jealous anyway because they're up at the crack of dawn everyday to schlepp off to some job they hate while you get to do nothing all day.

by Anonymousreply 30002/19/2021

I posted this in the thread about depression I linked to upthread and it applies to you:

I, too, know from experience and from battling the transfixing allure and pernicious tentacles of the dark lovers known as self-pity and blame, and of their devouring offspring, dejection, that in order to transcend all three, we must be willing to identify and admit when and where in our lives we willingly collude with them in futile attempts to avoid the pain and strain requisite for all true growth, strength, and healing. At the risk of sounding too esoteric, blame, self-pity, and dejection are extremely shrewd demons, but we aren’t dimwitted angels either. We invite them in.

We collude with them all of the time in order to feel better about ourselves, and when they bite back – bite the hand that feeds them – we shrink and demure as if held prisoner by them. We deny that we engage and utilize their putrid qualities for our own comfort and self-assurance. We pity ourselves when we do not get what we want or think we deserve, failing to mention or even notice that these attitudes, in and of themselves, reek of greed and envy, the progenitors of self-pity and the cause of much pain and harm to ourselves and to others.

We blame – the child of pride and wrath – others for our problems, and even have the audacity to blame others for not meeting our standards, for not being “good enough,” i.e., we judge, criticize, and size people up by their looks, intelligence, behavior, possessions, or lack thereof, and so on. We even turn blame, like a rabid animal, on ourselves. When dejection weighs down on us like a big black pile of messy id, we claim innocence and stupidity, hide in its shadow, and deny that we oversaw the fornication of its parents, self-pity and blame, and of its birth and emergence within ourselves. Sometimes, once born, we revel in dejection too, making use of it for pity from others, and as an excuse to remain slothful and unchanged and at worst, downright malignant.

It is said, rightfully so, that getting anywhere in this life - earning a higher education, acquiring a good job, amassing money in the bank, and securing all of the perks and prerequisites of life – requires hard work; well, so does becoming a fully integrated, conscious, and conscientious human being. Becoming whole, healthy, and secure with oneself, and building up the muscles of faith (in oneself and if you choose, something greater), humility, empathy, charity, and love (for oneself, those closest to us, and strangers alike) – the muscles that help us break through the chains of self-pity, blame, and dejection – requires strain, pain, and diligence.

Again, at the risk of sounding too esoteric or, God forbid, religious, this was the point of Christ’s life and crucifixion; to provide a template for transcendent love, charity, sacrifice, and forgiveness. What the Catholics and Protestants get wrong is that they hope and assume that “Christ did it for us.” Ha! He didn’t ask to be worshipped; he asked to be imitated. (He was clear in his distinction between himself and the Ineffable.) When He quoted Torah (Leviticus 19:18), Christ made it clear that we are to treat others as we want to be treated. He also made it clear that we are to take up our own crosses and crucify the basest parts of ourselves, and that doing so requires journeying, often arduously and rigorously, on the “narrow path” that leads to transcendence. But enough about religion, as I know it incites anger in many of you. You get the point, which is also promulgated by all of the great world religions – Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and yes, even Islam - especially their mystics. (Note: This is one thing that I deeply admire about Buddhism: you are not so much instructed to “believe in” Buddha as much as you are counseled to do as Buddha instructed and to refine your view of the world as being comprised of illusions, both beautiful and deadly.)

by Anonymousreply 30102/19/2021

cont’d.

Humility is about accepting Truth, with a capital T. Here’s a simple truth(s) for you: There will ALWAYS be someone “better” than you; better looking, better off physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, circumstantially, and the list goes on. You can either accept that fact or spend your life trying to deny and outrun it. Denial and escapism, however, will only lead you back to self-pity, blame, dejection, and even addiction, though not always to drugs or alcohol. (We can become just as addicted to anger, depression, judgement, materialism, and myriad other attitudes, mindsets, and things.)

Another Truth: You desire to be loved, accepted, comforted, and forgiven for intentional and unintentional slights and trespasses. Knowing this, you should be willing to do the same no matter how challenging, uncomfortable, or painful doing so proves to be.

A final truth: You will never know why things happen as they do, nor the reason for every single person’s behavior, either toward you or toward others, so stop wondering and asking why. Focus on yourself, on becoming the best person you can be.

Faith starts with and in yourself. There is no religion that will provide you with the faith that you cannot give to and have in yourself. (“The kingdom of God is within.”) Faith is a choice and at times even a skill; it is not something you are born with nor something you acquire from someone or something else. Faith the “size of a mustard seed,” however, is worth more than a pound of gold.

by Anonymousreply 30202/19/2021

R299 I've honestly become so selfish that I don't really care about anyone but myself. I want to measure up to the people I went to school with. I want to be perceived as a success. I tried reaching out on linkedin to a couple of people I used to know and they didn't respond.

by Anonymousreply 30302/19/2021

R303 I love you, op, so I hope you take this in the right spirit: [bold]WAKE THE FUCK UP[/bold].

It is time to put the fire under your own ass. I was listening to this song off my favorite album and thought of you as I belted out the lyrics and played air piano (I play, too) while driving down I-95 like an emancipated bullet.

Listen to it and to the entire album, if you can. It’s about facing your own darkness and self-destructiveness and doing something about it. Nobody else is going to save and get you out of this but you, love.

Sending you good vibes and sincerely praying for you.

[quote] Muhammad my friend / It's time to tell the world / We both know it was a girl / Back in Bethlehem / And on that fateful day / When she was crucified / She wore Shiseido Red / And we drank tea by her side

[quote]Sweet sweet / Used to be so sweet to me

[quote]Muhammad my friend / I'm getting very scared / Teach me how to love / My brothers who don't know the law / And what about the deal / On the flying trapeze / Got a peanut butter hand / But honey do drop in / At the Dew Drop Inn

[quote]Sweet sweet / Between the boys and the bees

[quote]Moses I know / I know you've seen the fire / But you've never seen fire / Until you've seen Pele blow / And I've never seen light / But I sure have seen gold / And Gladys save a place for me on your grapevine / Till I get my own TV show / Ashre ashre ashre ashre / And if I lose my Cracker Jacks at the tidal wave / I got a place in the Pope's rubber robe

[quote]Muhammad my friend / It's time to tell the world / We both know it was a girl / Back in Bethlehem

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by Anonymousreply 30402/19/2021

Do you get out of the house everyday? Do you go for at least a one hour walk everyday for your health and to get some D (natural anti-depressant) on your skin?

by Anonymousreply 30502/19/2021

[quote] I want to measure up to the people I went to school with.

You will never, ever, ever be happy with this approach.

You are not them, you are YOU. Stop letting others define your success.

by Anonymousreply 30602/19/2021

R305 Yeah, I walk my dog everyday. I live in NY so it's been snowy and cloudy lately :(

by Anonymousreply 30702/19/2021

You walk for an hour everyday?

(Or just a quick outside for a poop-pee from the dog?)

by Anonymousreply 30802/19/2021

OP,

If I were to tell you right now that you had one year to live--that on Feb 19, 2022, you'd be a goner, what would you spend the year doing? What would be the thing that you would do to make this time on earth meaningful for you?

by Anonymousreply 30902/19/2021

R308 No, I just do a 20 min walk around the block with my dog

by Anonymousreply 31002/19/2021

R309 Probably daydreaming, reading and painting... I don't really do reading and painting out of anxiety though because I always feel ike I should be doing somehting else

by Anonymousreply 31102/19/2021

Do you speak any other languages? Do you know enough about art history to be a professional in that field--regardless of credentials?

Are you well-written? (You were an english major.) Do you enjoy writing?

by Anonymousreply 31202/19/2021

R312 No, I don't speak any other languages. And no, unfortunately art history is mainly a daydream

I don't write a lot but I like it, I guess

by Anonymousreply 31302/19/2021

I don't know if you'll understand this, but what you want and what you're willing to do to get what you want are totally out of sync.

People with no credentials can get into the art world if they work hard and are obsessed. (I know a few people who work in art galleries because the art market is big business here because of Art Basel--but they know art, and they speak a few languages. When I lived abroad, I knew two art historians--PhDs--that worked in museums.)

My advice to you is to pick a job that matches your commitment level. Being a librarian may sound like a dead-end or unspectacular to you, but your drive is unspectacular. That might change with time--but this is where you are right now.

You can only start where you are. This obsession you have with MOMA and some people you knew a decade ago isn't helping with anything. In fact, it seems to make you miserable. Try to find habits that don't make you miserable.

by Anonymousreply 31402/19/2021

R314 Yep, I understand it. When I was at school I was so isolated all the time that the anxiety made it hard to even finish my papers. I just totally self-sabotaged.

I guess I like to live in a dream world and the dissonance of the dream world and reality is very painful and disconcerting. The dream world is pleasant but it's having to acknowledge that it's not based on reality that is very difficult.

Basically I flick through people's instagrams and linkedins all day and live vicariously through them

by Anonymousreply 31502/19/2021

R315, I kid you not, the woman I know that you most remind me of just accepted a full-time position as a librarian. (She had worked there part-time for a few years. I thought it was a community college, but it's a real college.) She has a BA, not a masters, and she's 42.

Also sort of in her own world--reads and posts about (crappy) historical fiction, dresses up in Renaissance clothes and goes to fairs and re-enactments. She's happy being in a library and doing her weird stuff in her own time.

That's another thing--the art world is not a world for people who need a lot of free time. The work, especially when shows, exhibitions, potential buyers, etc are coming, is high-stress, 16 hours per day.

Find something--like I said--that suits your personality and your commitment to working (and overworking).

by Anonymousreply 31602/19/2021

R316 Thank you although in my mind I have much more of a hipster aesthetic TBH. I'm very interested in contemporary art although I haven't pursued it at all.

I want to be around likeminded people who are creative and thoughtful and have highbrow taste. So that's the issue I'm having here.

by Anonymousreply 31702/19/2021

[quote] I want to be around likeminded people who are creative and thoughtful and have highbrow taste.

You are not creative, thoughtful, or a person of highbrow taste.

You want to be around people who would not recognize you as a peer.

So to answer your 'issue": either become one of those people (through hard work) OR change you expectations because you're not going to fulfill them.

I gave it my best shot.

Good luck

by Anonymousreply 31802/19/2021

R318 One of the coolest girls said I was her "dream girl" back in college because I was chic.

Thanks, I get what you're saying and my unwillingness to choose is what has me so stuck.

by Anonymousreply 31902/19/2021

Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl

But that was thirty years ago, when they used to have a show

Now it's a disco, but not for Lola

Still in dress she used to wear

Faded feathers in her hair

She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind

She lost her youth and she lost her Tony

Now she's lost her mind

by Anonymousreply 32002/19/2021

R320 Probably true. I have great cheekbones too

-OP

by Anonymousreply 32102/19/2021

R316 Is your renaissance friend married?

by Anonymousreply 32202/19/2021

R322, single. I actually met her on a dating site--very much NOT my type.

But for a particular type of gal, would be a good fit.

by Anonymousreply 32302/19/2021

R323 is she in westchester, ny? lol

by Anonymousreply 32402/20/2021

I talked to an old high school friend. It was nice but she was honest about how she doesn't really want a friendship with someone who's floundering so much... she only wants friends that have full lives

-OP

by Anonymousreply 32502/20/2021

R154

You are correct, OP should not become a social worker. You need a lot of emotional strength and compassion to support fragile clients.

OP, I feel you need to accept yourself where you are. Get a job as a receptionist for a non-profit whose cause you believe in. I bet you'll meet lots of nice people.

As far as your artistic dreams, keep them, but it takes a lot of effort to become an artist who is successful. You seem like the sort of person who needs to take baby steps, so you could succeed, but it may be later in life.

by Anonymousreply 32602/20/2021

Or, OP, you could be a scammer. You could go to art openings at galleries and PRETEND that you're cool and in the know. Sleep with some people and live a glamorous life. And tell us about it, because my life is kind of boring now.

I used to have a friend who was a dreamer, even more than I am. She was too much of a dreamer though, so her writing wasn't good (she could never get to the point and would add in details that didn't mean anything).

by Anonymousreply 32702/20/2021

OP, you want to be involved in the arts.

A question: Do you want to create art, or do you genuinely love art and want to spend your life around it, or do you want people to think of you as arty because you think that's cool, or do you just want to avoid the kind of soul-crushing job that most people get stuck with?

The thing is, I doubt you were meant to be a creative artist, because if you were you'd be disappointing your dad by painting or writing whatever or improvising on the piano for hours and hours a day, instead of looking for a job. Being a creative artist isn't really a matter of training, artists in many fields can be self-taught, it seems to require a strong need to make music/art/poetry/whatever... plus the drive to hustle and sell whatever it is you create. You have to start with that, and use your education in the arts to refine your visions and skills, rather than hoping art class will make something happen. That, or you need to be born with a trust fun, and be free to potter around and call yourself an "artist" instead of doing anything useful.

The thing is, I tried to be an artist, I'm a good painter, and I used to work all day at a crap job I hated, and come home and paint and paint and paint. I got offers from some local galleries, but I realized that I just didn't have enough hustle to push sales at galleries or spend my weekends manning a booth at the outdoor art shows, and when you came right down to it I really didn't want to be a commercial artist and paint what dickheads told me to paint... I really just wanted to please myself. So I eventually went to nursing school and it's given my life a whole other level of meaning, but that's another story.

by Anonymousreply 32802/20/2021

R328 I honestly thought that no one was interested in anything and they just got to a certain place where someone could take care of them. I clearly had some type of depersonalization going on.

by Anonymousreply 329Last Sunday at 6:58 PM

R329, that makes no sense.

Day drinking, are you?

by Anonymousreply 330Last Monday at 4:34 AM

R330 I know that makes no sense. I don't know why I was so crazy. No, never drank and never smoked weed or anything

by Anonymousreply 331Last Monday at 7:07 AM

You don't have a disassociative disorder, you just don't know how to cope with a situation in which there are no good options. And no, today's job market isn't offering any good options, all a person can do is pick the bad option that's most likely to lead to a good option in the future.

This isn't the horrific mental illness you hope it is, because having a mental illness would allow you to put off the question of your future and just be taken care of. No, this is just real life.

by Anonymousreply 332Last Monday at 4:30 PM

R332 That's true

-OP

by Anonymousreply 333Last Tuesday at 7:39 AM

You sound like you came from a privileged background (East coast college, great Dad) and are now feeling guilty that you're not living up to it.

Most dreams in life take a lot of hard work and sacrifice and that means daily pain.

OTOH, if you relax your standards you might enjoy life more. It's up to you.

by Anonymousreply 334Last Tuesday at 2:00 PM

R334 Yeah, to some degree that's correct.

Thanks for your insight. I agree, I shouldn't have to suffer all the time just to go nowhere

by Anonymousreply 335Last Tuesday at 2:39 PM

R335

You would SO benefit from studying intuition and your internal voice. You DO have an internal guidance system. Find out why you're here.

Then listen to your inner voice step by step. You are overthinking things, and replaying the past. What would you LOVE to do in life? Just do that and see what happens and to hell with everyone else's opinion.

by Anonymousreply 336Last Tuesday at 2:47 PM

R336 I'd like to play music, make art and sing

-OP

by Anonymousreply 337Last Tuesday at 3:11 PM

Have you considered volunteering? Your privileged background has wrapped you in a cocoon of self importance. Look for creative ways to help others.

by Anonymousreply 338Last Tuesday at 3:15 PM

[quote][R336] I'd like to play music, make art and sing

Then DO that. Don't keep giving reasons why you can't.

Or go. The fuck. Away.

by Anonymousreply 339Last Tuesday at 5:49 PM

R339 no one forced you to comment

by Anonymousreply 340Last Tuesday at 6:58 PM

For that matter, no one invited OP to deluge us with her personal problems.

by Anonymousreply 341Last Tuesday at 7:31 PM

You're a lost cause.better people know better to off themselves, ya load

Even Bjork's stalker

by Anonymousreply 342Last Tuesday at 8:06 PM

Any advice on how to find an engineer to marry?

by Anonymousreply 343Last Wednesday at 7:17 AM

Why are you depressed? Is it because you’re gay? Why don’t you transition? Is that what gays and lesbians do today? Transition?

by Anonymousreply 344Last Wednesday at 7:28 AM

I can't believe this thread is up to 344 replies.

by Anonymousreply 345Last Wednesday at 7:33 AM

OP, there is plenty of advise here. Please take some of it and stop whining. Only you can help yourself.

by Anonymousreply 346Last Wednesday at 7:34 AM

To find an engineer to marry you have to lose weight and probably wear makeup. You need coronavirus to end so you can go out. You need a piddly job with people your own age so you can go out to bars and not seem like a weirdo by yourself. You could try the dating sites, I would do that if I were single now. But do your best to look pretty, that's the thing.

Focus on the losing weight and wearing makeup, and then finding a mate at age 30 will not be that difficult.

by Anonymousreply 347Last Wednesday at 8:42 AM
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