I’m so fucking depressed

Sorry you’re feeling so down. You’ve got us hateful bitches on DL so you’re not alone.

Mr Trump, you still have your wife. For now.

No OP. Life sucks.

But you CAN keep reading DL. Maybe it will distract you for a while from your hellish life.😁

Here is beautiful foto of me OP. It make you feel better.

R4 Now I’m even more depressed.😭

R1 and R3 Thank you! I love all (well most) of you. DL definitely is one of the things that keeps me company.

I am right there with you. I swear I would be dead without Trintillex. I always think of a post from here "Why not stick around and see what happens". It's a huge struggle to make it through every day.

Start exercising and release those endorphins! You’ll start to feel bette over time. Also make a mental list of the things you’re grateful for everyday.

It's funny I'll wake up at 3AM and find it impossible to get back to sleep. I get on to DL and people are posting. I'm like WTF? It's very nice.

R6 I keep sticking around to see what happens and no matter how much I try to change my predicament all of my hard work seems to go nowhere. It’s hard to keep giving my all when I never seem to get any results.

Me too OP. I’m painfully lonely and the pandemic has ruined my social life and chances of meeting a Partner. I’ll be your friend though, for real.

R6 does trillintex make you fat?

R7 I bought some new weights yesterday, but I’m in such a slump I can’t seem to get motivated to exercise.

R10 Friends we will be!👨🏼‍🤝‍👨🏻

Quick, somebody say something cunty before I forget where I am.

R13 Nope, we don’t need that in this thread!

OP, I'm happily partnered, but have no other close friends. My family is mostly dead. I pray I go before my partner.

The isolation of COVID has taken a huge toll on people. I’m with you OP. My goal is March, just four months, until we can start to return to norm. I’m lonely but exercise has really helped with depression.

And yes, 3am is horrible but fun to see who is posting at that time.

What's happening today will not keep happening forever.

This too shall pass.

Depression tries to convince us that those two truths aren't the truth. Don't let it.

R15 I’m the opposite - I have my family (which I’m very grateful for), but no partner. I’ve never been in love with anyone who loved me back and it’s horrible not having someone to hold at night or give me a hug when I’m feeling down. And I’ve usually always been an independent person, but the loneliness is catching up with me. Be thankful you have romantic love.

OP, what do you think you need to be happy?

Sorry OP. You know we are here, up at three AM, thinking about houses in the middle of nowhere and thick asses and Joe Biden’s cabinet positions. You aren’t alone.

[quote]OP, what do you think you need to be happy?

Honestly, I want love. I want a relationship. But I just don’t know how to make it happen. I live in a town with not many options. I seriously know very few gay people here. I hate it but I don’t have the money to move. And I’m secretly scared of starting over somewhere else because I’m not sure I’m emotionally strong enough to be far away from my family - the only support system I have.

Really OP!

Oh, and did I forget to tell you all that I lost my job in the summer and my job search has led to ZERO job interviews so far? So I’m in a VERY bad place in my life on top of all the loneliness. I’m just so exhausted.

Look up the sad story of Omayra Sanchez. I ran across her story once somehow when I felt hopeless. For me, she is a partron saint of hope. Despite everything, she wanted to live. Life sucks and then somehow we die. But while we're still here, maybe we can think of one thing to be grateful for. Then, maybe somehow help someone else who has a roadblock in their life. Other than this, I can't think of anything else. Someone nearby will always have it worse.

OP, I know it's easy to say, but romantic relationships are not all they're cracked up to be. You can, indeed, feel alone even though you're with a partner. It's a horrible feeling.

OP if you are white, you have white privilege

and that gives you a leg up over all visible minorities both in and out of the gay community

So if depressed you are right now, there are other people in worse position than you

R24 I’m afraid I’ll end up more depressed when I read this person’s story but I will look it up tomorrow.

[quote]OP, I know it's easy to say, but romantic relationships are not all they're cracked up to be. You can, indeed, feel alone even though you're with a partner. It's a horrible feeling.

These lovey-dovey pictures and posts people put on social media sure have me convinced everyone in a relationship is happy as can be.

I would get a pet.

[quote]I would get a pet.

I have one. And while I love my pet, let’s get real a pet cannot replace human companionship.

It’s so strange because I’ve always been someone who has been used to being alone and even preferred it for the most part. But lately I’m not liking it anymore.

OP, for 20 years, I've lived in New York City, where there are countless romantic options, supposedly. But I've been single for five years, and being surrounded by tons of options doesn't mean you'll find someone who wants a relationship.

What I thought was a lifetime relationship broke up a few years ago when he left. I've often thought that the pandemic has been much more painful without him.

But maybe that's not true. Maybe him being unemployed (he has a public-facing, non-essential job) and us being around each other 24-7 would have driven us crazy and apart. I've seen that happen with others. And even before that, I know many NYC couples who are all smiles on Instagram but a mess (conflict, cheating, alcoholism, drug use) behind the scenes.

I guess I think that this is an extraordinary time, and comparing your life to those of people on social media—which are bullshit in the most normal of circumstances—is not fair to yourself.

I've been pretty down too, OP. Single. Massive debt (from taking care of my parents through their final illnesses). Feeling lonely and isolated. Today is actually my birthday, and there's no one in my life who called to wish me well. HOWEVER...

While I was getting ready for work this morning I turned on the news and saw a piece on a Lakota reservation in South Dakota that is the poorest community in the nation. Where half the tribe has covid. And Native Americans have the highest infection rate, and the highest death rate, in the nation. The spokeswoman for the tribe just lost her mother last week... I have it SO GOOD compared to them! It made me look at my situation a bit differently; I still have my job and paycheck. And my house. I'm at high risk for covid complications, but my work is providing pretty good safety measures. I'm not worried about going hungry.

No matter how bleak our lives are, there are people who are (sadly) even worse off. I know that doesn't cheer you up, but the shift in perspective can make things a bit easier to bear. R29 has a good suggestion. Get a pet if you don't have one, and can afford one. And keep hanging out on Datalounge. God knows it makes me laugh out loud every day!

[R32] Happy birthday my dear! 🌈🕺❤️🍾

R31 & R32

If you place a posting saying you are looking for an Asian guy, you will will be inundated with HUNDREDS of responses, no matter what your age

and if that Asian guy breaks up with you in later years, you can find another Asian guy within 1.2 seconds

And I am saying this as an Asian

So just "Go Asian" and you will never lonely again

[quote] These lovey-dovey pictures and posts people put on social media sure have me convinced everyone in a relationship is happy as can be.

Don't compare your insides to someone else's outside. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

There's always See's candy. Go treat yourself to something you like!

R32 Well you get a Happy Birthday from me and R33! I hope you at least treated yourself to some good food 🥘 or wine 🍷 to celebrate! 🎁

If you're over 18 and feel like this, it's you and it will never get better.

Stop being a professional victim, like every other person in this country has become.

As my mother said, "You can bitch and moan and whine, OR, you can actually DO SOMETHING about it."

lol -R36, one friend sent me a present which just got here a minute ago: A 2-lb. box of See's! A custom mix of my favorites!

You must be psychic!

Carol Burnett mother gave her one piece of advice - "In this world no one gives you a break, you make your own breaks"

I endorse R7 because it's true.

And thank you for the birthday wishes :)

Sounds like OP is trying to work on things, not just sitting on his / her ass.

I like See's Candies, but there are posters here who hate it. A fun thread (not this one) got derailed with discussions about See's Candies. Let's hope the See's Candies haters do not derail this thread!

Yeah get a grip OP! Slap yourself ! Snap out of it!

R31 Wow, you really gave me a wake up call! I automatically assumed living in a big city like NYC would make it easy to find love. And I know you and R35 are right, but damn they sure do a good job of convincing me their relationships are perfect. I need to remind myself that a lot of times people are just trying to one-up others on social media and that I don’t know what goes on in private.

Go order a Collin Street Deluxe Fruitcake!

We'll wait.

R38 and R40 Here we go with the “you’re the problem” posters. Good lord - fuck off (and don’t forget to tell yourself that shit when you hit rock bottom).

Don't smile. Do not smile. 😁

OP, you sound very depressed. You are not alone. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life but lately I wake up dreading to face another day, along with the 3 AM wide-eyed "what do I do now" episodes. I feel overwhelmed by obligations that have no easy solutions but I also think it has a lot to do with Covid and our political situation and the corruption and hate emanating from the White House.

All of our lives have changed from Covid in ways that affect our mental health. I haven't seen most of my family since last Christmas and I rarely see my friends. One way I cope is by reading. I have some favorite authors who are a wonderful escape from reality. I'm saving one book to read by the light of my Christmas tree, this year's release by mystery author Louise Penny. If you like to read, her books are clever mysteries with wonderful characters and interesting plots and settings.

Anyway, enough of lecture about one of my favorite authors, I do find reading to be a great help. Best wishes, OP, there will be ups and downs through the winter but spring will bring a rebirth in nature. It always of help to me to get outdoors, even in winter.

[quote]Sounds like OP is trying to work on things, not just sitting on his / her ass.

Thank you and exactly. Sometimes we can do all we can do (or know how to do) to try to change our situation and things can still stay stuck. Sometimes we just need people to talk to and to possibly give advice (or just to share their experience being in a similar situation).

Hang in there, bitches.

I'm grateful for all of you on DL. You keep me going and laughing in the best and worst of times.

R49 Yes, I’m very depressed. I’ve always had problems with depression and usually been able to handle it well, but it seems like every 5 years or so I go through a really dark phase due to overwhelming circumstances.

Speaking of Christmas tree lights, I put mine up today and I’m looking at them now unhappy with how I put them on so now I have to take them all off and start over tomorrow. Ugh, I can’t wait until I get it right and can finally put the ornaments on and enjoy it.

R48 proves my point: Datalounge will always have something to make you laugh! :)

Here a warm cuddle across the globe from me, OP. People always says my cheerfulness is infectious.

*cuddle*

The pandemic has forced us to review our priorities. That refocus includes looking at what really makes us happy. As trite as it sounds OP, take this time as an opportunity to refine what you really want from life. So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. All right, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. OK, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche. Seriously, what you’re feeling is temporary and the only certain thing is change. Escape into books or a hobby for awhile. Spring isn’t far away. Your life will change. It always has.

I second books! I found rereading a childhood favorite perks me up no end. I pick up Escape To Witch Mountain, The Borrowers, or The Pushcart War and happy memories come flooding back, and I get lost in the story for an hour or two.

OP, I never stop tweaking my tree. Maybe just add a couple more strings to make it more festive? I also have those tinsel garlands that I cut into foot long strips and stuff into the bare spots. They really dress up a tree.

I've had problems with depression my entire life. Off and on, much worse when I was younger. During one particularly difficult period I took to praying and I'm not even religious. Every morning when I woke up, facing a day working in a toxic environment, I pleaded with whatever gods there were for strength enough to get through the day. I worked hard to think positive thoughts and improve my own behavior to be a good person, to do the best job I could so I could at least be proud of my work and respect myself. Still, I lapse into crabbiness and drive to aggressively and other rude things but we have to forgive ourselves for that, we all can be assholes at times.

I find when I'm out on my walks if I have friendly interactions with people it boosts my mood. We don't always get kindness back, but so many times I do and it really helps.

R8 "people are posting in the middle of the night"

That's me posting from the other side of the planet.

OP your situation sounds very similar to mine. In YT type in coping with depression. A good variety of videos come up talking about all different aspects of coping that none of my doctors in 30 years ever mentioned. They have helped me some.

I recommend "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I feel depressed, too, and can't even blame it on Covid. Thank goodness nobody I know has caught Covid or died from it. Covid has made my work life easier in a lot of ways. I'm able to do things by Webex / Zoom, etc.

I recommend Fluoxetine and occasional Xanax. Works for me! Actually you sound pretty aware OP. This sort of thing is genetic too so....

I’d enjoy simple things now, like going to the grocery store. Eventually automation and robotics will fully take over and we’ll barely leave the house.

Honestly, I was ready for Amazon drones to deliver my groceries to my fire escape three years ago, as promised, so I have ZERO problem with avoiding the stores and having Shipt, Drizly, CVS and Whole Foods bring everything I need to my door.

[quote] Eventually automation and robotics will fully take over and we’ll barely leave the house.

Freud says we MUST speak to SIX humans everyday to retain our sanity.

R59 Feel free to drop the links to the videos you found most helpful!

R60 I actually have that book! It’s been about 3 years since I read it so I probably need to re-read it.

You have friends on here, OP. A lot of us are in the same boat.😘😘

R61 Hugs to you. I know this sounds like bullshit, but be happy you have a job. I lost mine this summer and job searching while going through bad depression is a nightmare.

R62 Funny you mention Xanax because I had to take one last night to calm down I was so upset. I only take it about twice a month and last night was one of those days. I had been on an antidepressant for about 16 years that had worked for me for so long, but lately I’ve had to stop taking it because it increases my anxiety really bad. It’s a shame because it did help with the the depression. I dread trying to find another antidepressant because trying different ones until you find one that works is a nightmare in itself.

R67 I appreciate it! 🤗

I have not talked to anyone in decades. It stops being depressing after awhile. It makes me jumpy though. I still can talk for some reason. I get no practice at talking so u would think I could only grunt.

Everybody is depressed . Just take each day and try not to die

Freud was obviously nuts, R65. Talking to six humans every day would be a nightmare! As an introvert, it it hard to empathize with feelings of loneliness and constant longing for companionship. I only have a relative few people who I even care about and I certainly don't need to hear from them that often.

I swear they’re putting something in the water to make people depressed, OCD & Aspie nowadays.

Freud didn't say you had to like or empathize with these six humans every day [R72].

The Freudian who passed on Freud's advice said the six could be shopkeepers or vagrants in the street. Cats and dogs cannot be included in the six.

The Freudian told me all this back in the 90s before the internet. So I do include Dataloungers to boost my tally well over the required six!

Same here OP. I split with my partner of 10+ years this weekend, so I am pretty much on my own. I have been waking up each morning in a panic and take anti anxiety meds to calm down. Another poster mentioned Trintellix, I was on it for a year, I basically felt nauseated for a year but my Dr. kept insisting to give it time. I stopped taking it and went back to Prozac. I'm not sure what to tell you OP except that you are not alone, there are plenty of us out there who feel the same way that you do.

Get a gun already. You are making the rest of us happy, healthy, and loved by many thousands of people feel depressed. We aren’t going to let one lonely, desperate loser make the rest of us feel I worthy of bragging on social media.

Thank you for sharing, op. You are never alone. Keep in mind, how connected or disconnected we feel depends on where we look. At the very least, you are looking.

Also, thanks for sharing, too, R57.

Things that help me during similar phases:

Exercise - Moving my body, even if just for a brisk walk, and taking in oxygen always helps clear my mind, soften my heart, and as someone posted upthread, helps get the endorphins running. Strength training can also be wonderfully exhausting, cathartic, and empowering.

Prayer, Meditation, and Contemplation - Some may balk at these two suggestions but they can help tremendously, especially during critical moments of despondency and despair. You don’t have to focus on or worry about being religious to do either, either. (A great book on secular prayer is Anne Lamott’s “Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers”.) What you want to focus on during prayer is the life that courses through you, through all of us, and through the rest of creation. Talk to that life, that energy, that force; ask it whatever you want; share with it whatever you need to; and have faith that it will, in some way, shape, or form, respond.

Meditation and contemplation, as I see it, are about quieting and stilling yourself to give your your five senses and your body, mind, and heart a break, and to become receptive to whatever life or a deeper part of yourself is trying to communicate to you. (Guidance, grace, and miracles are real. Never let anyone convince you otherwise.)

Charity - Whether it’s helping family or a friend, a needy person on the street, donating food or clothing to a shelter, or letting someone cut in line in traffic or at the supermarket, being charitable can be surprisingly and wonderfully uplifting, both because of the responses it can elicit and because it reminds you that you are not alone, and that there is always someone in need.

Gratitude List - You don’t have to write actual lists, but you can if you want to. The point is to list for yourself, even if just mentally, the things you are grateful for. I usually start with my five senses, which I cannot imagine being without, but of which many people have lost one or several. This usually gets me “warmed up” for gratitude and before I know it, I’m listing a myriad gratitudes.

Being Aware of Others’ Struggles and Misfortunes - This can tie into the gratitude list practice, but I usually practice this separate and apart from that. Admittedly, this can be difficult to do and if you are suffering from overwhelming dejection, I would recommend engaging in the aforementioned practices first, but try to set out some time once or a few times a week to look up a struggle or misfortune that you fear or perhaps that has never crossed your mind before, and read up on it. Look into what it costs, or has cost, others; and how others cope, endure, and transcend it. Documentaries can come in handy for this. (Check out “Notes on Blindness”.) Again, I don’t recommend this if you feel too depressed, but it often helps me and usually, I find myself empathizing and wanting to help in some way, even if it’s just with a prayer. Empathy has a way of dissolving loneliness and making us receptive to hope.

Just know that I - and quite a few DLers - know how you feel. I will have you and a few others on my mind tonight and will keep you all in my prayers 🙏🏼

R65 I prefer Carl Jung.

R75 May I ask what caused you to split after a decade? Had there been problems for awhile or did it happen out of nowhere? If it happened just a week ago, maybe there’s still a chance of a reconciliation.

R77 That’s sweet. Thank you for your well wishes.🙂

I was depressed for many years. No antidepressant worked. And then a friend suggested taking vitamin D3. I've been taking it daily for a few years and being sad no longer seems like my normal way of life.

We can't 'fix' you, OP. You'll have to find your own happiness just like everyone else.

R75 here OP. We have our own places and get together on the weekend usually for drinks with friends. We were having drinks with a str8 male friend and I was making comments about some gay related things that I had seen online and I was probably a bit graphic. Anyway the str8 friend went to the bathroom and my b/f launched into me about what I had been saying etc. The thing was, the anger and hate in his eyes was way too extreme for the situation and it shocked and frightened me. After his lecture I stood up and told him I was going home, he said if I leave not to return at which point I removed his house key from my key ring and tossed it on the entrance table. I haven't heard from him since and right now I don't care. Also we are in our 50's and not sexually active for a few years now.

R82 Wishing you a fesh srtart to a better future. You sound strong, and determined.

OP I can relate to your expression of fatigue after giving it your "all".... Maybe be good to yourself, and take it easy for a spell? Don't try so hard as to exhaust yourself. Try to enjoy the simple things for awhile. Enjoy the ride. Coast a bit, don't peddle constantly.

Have you ever read or listened to lectures by Alan Watts? He can be quite liberating in this regard of choices, striving, or making big decisions.

I hope you feel better, and perhaps try something natural to alleviate some of the depression, such as 5HTP, St. John's Wort, Evening Primrose Oil, B Complex, and DHEA? Get the "T" checked as well if you haven't done so recently.

R82 Wow, isn’t it amazing how someone so close can suddenly just turn on you out of nowhere for the most ridiculous thing? It’s like he had anger that had been pent up for a long time and he was looking for an excuse to go off on you. On the bright side, thank goodness you have your own places so you didn’t have to put up with that shit a minute longer. Unless he contacts you first to apologize, I would be completely done.

I guess stories like this should remind me that at least with me being single I don’t have to put up with mood swings or stupid shit like that.

OP This certainly won't solve all your problems, but may well help with the ennui you're experiencing in the short term.

Me too OP. When the pandemic ends, make an effort to get out there and meet people. Even if it's not a boyfriend, just interact with folks. Volunteer somewhere.

Cheer up, Charlie.

R83 You’re right me needing to take it easy for a bit. I’ve been doing all I can do to fix my problems, and I shouldn’t feel bad about taking a break to heal emotionally and mentally. I’ve spent this entire evening talking to everyone on DL and watching TV off and on in my bedroom and it’s been nice trying to distract myself.

This too, you may find helpful.

R85 That part towards the end is SO true! I am starting to feel like it’s all a hoax. I’ll watch the second video you posted in the morning.

OP Please do. Watts has a unique way to crystalise the best of Taoism in an easy to understand way. His longer lectures, (an hour or two) are even more worthwhile for someone beginning to contemplate life with the Tao or Dao. For our virgin Western minds, Watts can in a sense distill the very essence of the teachings for practical application.

Watts has changed the way I see the world, as well as my place in it for the better. You're onto something already, as Watts oft refers to life as the "game". It's an illusion in many respects. Wishing you some peace.

R32 Happy Belated Birthday

I hope that 2021 is magical for you.

Yes R32 Happy Birthday! (& thank you R91 for reminding me I had meant to)

R83/R85/R90 Thank you for reminding us of Alan Watts. I had heard of him before but never bothered to explore his work. After reading your comments on him, I decided to conduct a search on YouTube and was drawn to a couple of his videos, witch I’ve put on while studying. Truly enlightening work. I felt the need to pause his lecture just to thank you, and to share some of the lectures of his I’ve listened to thus far.

I am currently listening to this one:

Nope

R90 …with the Tao or Dao…

What is the difference? I've been told 'Tao' is the spelling and 'Dao' is the pronunciation.

Looks like a good use of a Thursday, OP.

Anyway I thought you were on your deathbed? I can’t keep up. Maybe that was a different OP.

You’re not alone OP. A lot of people feel lonely and shitty right now. Myself included.

Sending you a hug.

Cheers R93. Thank you for your post @ R77 as well.

R96 I don't know which is correct, so I spelt both ways. Sometimes for mutual intelligibility, using more than one term or spelling is my MO.

Hope you're feeling lighter and a bit more chipper today OP.

Hey OP - How are you today? A lot of good posts here and people genuinely trying to bolster your spirits (even with their own challenges....). Just another story to add. Took a cab back home today from shopping and the driver turned out to be what looked like a 70 year old man. Frail looking, very thin, neatly dressed, but kind of hunched over, soft spoken with the most cheerful demeanor I've seen in a long time. It was a quick ride, we chatted about Covid, the nice weather, just a very pleasant person. As I was paying the face, he said he has an aneurysm, maybe two aneurysms mostly in his abdominal area. I continued doing the transaction, and he said (I could barely hear him because of the mask) doctors afraid it'll go to his heart. Ugh.

I got out the car, grabbed by bags, wished him well but his situation stayed with me. I thought how sad it is that a man his age, with his health issues, is driving around during this Covid time trying to make a measly living (Uber was introduced where I live making it even harder for him) and yet he has this incredibly, contagious amazing lovely outlook and disposition. It almost made me want to cry. It still hurts to type this thinking about him.

I'm saying to you, OP and to others, it's tough out there. Try to hang in as best you can. Try to help each other, who are also suffering. It doesn't have to be money - just reach out and be kind.

That's all. :)

Meant to say:

As I was paying the FARE.....

[quote] A great book on secular prayer is Anne Lamott’s “Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers”

Interesting.

As a pagan, my essential prayers are "what the fuck?", "cool, I can work with this...", and, "alright, how do we hit the bastards where they live?"

Someone just said to me “fall in love with your problems. Maybe they’ll leave you too.”

Look forward to Inauguration Day when the scum of the earth will no longer be president. We'll have a nice guy as POTUS with smart and caring people in his administration.

[R100] I wish I could send that man some money. That is so sad.

[quote] I decided to conduct a search on YouTube and was drawn to a couple of his videos, witch I’ve put on while studying.

None of you bitches caught this? Must I do everything myself?!

R102 😂 🙏🏼❤️

R99 You’re welcome. I must say, I am loving Watts. I used up a credit on Audible to get “Out of Your Mind: Essential Listening from the Alan Watts Audio Archives”. It’s 14 hours long! Really digging it.

R100 ❤️

R100 oh my. that breaks my heart.

R98, R99, and R100 Thank you for your positive words.

I’ve been feeling much better today. Last night, I finally got my Christmas tree lights on right and got the ornaments on and I think it turned out good. So having something pretty to look at has lifted my spirits a bit. Also, I’ve decided that I am done with looking at social media indefinitely so that I don’t get caught up in illusions or comparing myself with people I know. Just going a day without looking at social media has improved my state of mind, so I’m sticking with it. One thing I have come to realize is that ignorance really IS bliss sometimes. I don’t need to be updated on everything - especially if it’s just going to upset me.

This job search sure is tiresome though. I’d be happy just to get ONE fucking interview. But all I can do is keep applying.

Hope everyone else on here who is going through trying times is hanging in there.💪

[quote] I’ve decided that I am done with looking at social media indefinitely so that I don’t get caught up in illusions or comparing myself with people I know. Just going a day without looking at social media has improved my state of mind, so I’m sticking with it.

This. Good decision. A lot of people don’t realize how toxic social media can be.

Does anyone see a common theme with all these sadness and depression postings? Social media is driving people insane and IT IS ADDICTIVE as much as drugs and alcohol.

Almost everyone on this board will say they don't use SM very much yet we constantly hear references to FB, links to IG and Twitter. People are lying of course, addiction is rife.

I’m not

OP, glad you posted again.

People are dishonest, even on innocuous, food-related, SM websites.

I post to a food site. One time, this guy posted a photo (cookware-type photo), wanting to know more about the item. I said, can you post more photos? Turns out, he Photoshopped out (admitted to it) a "made in China" mark on his item. What a douchebag.

(I am not one of those who hate things "made in China," I just thought it was stupid and dishonest to ask for information about something & to hide where it was made. Also, this poster introduced himself as a retired judge / attorney. Sigh.

R113 I just don’t understand why people lie about the most stupid shit these days. It’s like is everyone that scared to show a little humility or admit they may not be perfect? Why is everyone so stuck on trying to impress others?

Yeah, I think staying off social media will definitely do me a world of good.

Also, OP, a lot of us, including me, have been unemployed for extended periods. During my long period of unemployment, I also ended up having to find a new rental apartment. The place where I was living got sold. It was very stressful.

The end result: I have a lot more humility (I hope) and can empathize with people & their housing issues!

R115 Money is REALLY tight these days for me.

r100 here again.

Good idea about the SM "boycott". I just bought The Crown DVDs (Seasons, 1, 2, 3) yesterday. I am off SM around Dec 19 or so....and going into 'Lockdown with the Crown' - I think what is wearing everyone out is this incessant coverage of Trump "I'm not going until you prove it" drivel. And other nutty stuff. Time for a SM cleanse.

Social media isn’t so much about being social as it is about ADVERTISING - corporations advertising, governments advertising, people advertising. And we all know what advertising is about: targeting customers, instilling a sense of familiarity, eliciting brand loyalty, and generating profit. Look at those words, though: TARGETING, INSTILLING, ELICITING, LOYALTY, PROFIT. It’s about creating a willing slave.

You can think of social media as one massive succubus that feeds on itself. Very depressing.

R118 r.e. ads, that’s what so great about being a lesbian here - nothing that comes up in the adspace ever speaks to my needs, so I can’t fall prey to temptation by it.

I don’t even notice the Real Jock ads, let alone follow the link or use the site.

I find looking at beautiful animals cheers me. I hope this beautiful baby cheers you all.

I'm definitely not a cat person, but Scottish Fold cats are relaxing to look at.

R119 I’ve convinced myself that DL can’t be categorized under “social media” - not my idea of it, anyway - though I know that it can be and is. The anonymity and lack of profiles helps me maintain this illusion for myself, though the tentacles of the succubus, as you pointed out, thrive in here as well.

When I was referring to advertising in my post above, it was to point out that everyone is advertising on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, etc. (We advertise our pet peeves, desires, biases, and eccentricities here, too, but again, the anonymity tempers the impact.)

I think Warhol was slightly off. He should’ve said, “In the future, everyone will thirst, search, and betray themselves for 15 minutes of fame.”

Damn, I’ve been feeling down again tonight. Now I’ve been thinking about all the things from my past that I regret. All this free time to think is not good for me.

Knock it off, OP! We have all done things we regret. When I get to obsessing over regrets, embarrassments, whatever, I have a good friend who will say, "nobody cares."

He's right. No one does care. They are to obsessed with the details of their own lives to spend much time thinking of yours. I tell myself that anyway.

Start saying nice things to yourself instead, like, "gosh, you're clever." Or, "I've made mistakes but I really do try hard to be a good person."

Hell, take a look at trump and guiliani. They have degraded themselves on an international stage and there are still some people who like them. It only proves you can be a disgusting freak and some people will simply not care.

R124 Good points!

[quote]I have no friends.

What are we, chopped liver???

That’s it, last straw, disowning you.

R123 A dip into mysticism my benefit you.

You’re going through what is called purgation. An unpleasant yet progressive and necessary step or phase.

PURGATION: This first phase of awakening soon shades into the second – purgation.

The mystic increasingly realizes his or her imperfection and finiteness in contrast to the sacred and attempts by means of discipline and or mortification to eliminate all that stands in the way of coming into deeper contact with the transcendent.

"The first thing that the self observes when it turns back upon itself in that awful moment of lucidity [of awakening] is the horrible contrast between its clouded contours and the pure sharp radiance of the Real; between its muddled faulty life, its perverse self-centered drifting, and [the clarity of the transcendent]." (p.200)

*might benefit

Also, examining your regrets and mistakes is a good thing just as long as you don’t get caught in the snares of self-hatred and self-punishment.

Getting to know ourselves, to truly know ourselves can be an extremely difficult and rigorous process. You are either up for the challenge, strengthened by your determination and faith in something - something greater and more beneficent than yourself, whatever that may be for you - or you are not.

Here’s the caveat to not being up for that challenge right now: at some point, you will have to be. Whether in old age or due to the sickness or death of a loved one(s) or due to your own looming death, you will have to come face-to-face with yourself - what you’ve done, who you’ve been, who you are in the present moment... There’s no escaping it. It’s built into the game we call life, toots.

Those who spend their lives trying to block the sun with one hand are doomed to the blindness caused by the irrepressible light that sees, shines on, and uncovers all things.

R127 May be right, this could simply be a purging, and the mysticism dip shall cleanse you, or baptise you OP. Either way, if it does prove too airy-faerie, it could still be a worthwhile diversion to your [italic] ruminating [/italic]. You must train that dragon of yours!

Music often helped me when "those tapes kept playing" in my head years ago. Turn it up if you must to drownnout the reproachment for now. This of course is only a temporary measure, as we must learn to accept ourselves, no matter what.

Check this Watts lecture out... It gets awfullly good at the 6 minute mark, or 6:02...

Oopsy daisy, wrong one OP.... That one is good, but I need to find you the one on self improvement...

Here you are.

I find the oddest shit cute so do excuse me, but this:

[quote]You must train that dragon of yours!

Rung so true and adorable to me. You are something, R99 and R129. I wish I knew you!

Thanks for turning me on to Watts, too.

Thank you for your kind words R132. You sound wise and worth knowing as well. Until the DL Instant message makes its debut, we shall have to make do with meeting up on random threads!

You are not unloveable, doomed to loneliness, or hopeless. You just need better care or a new environment. Find another doctor, another chosen family, or another living situation, and start over.

[quote] ‘Once upon a time, in the middle of a big dark forest, there lived a boy in a house all alone. He took care of the trees and fed a stray girl and was kind to her. And she loved him for it. But one day, Baba Yaga entered the forest to eat the boy. The boy wanted to run, but he knew he could never outrun Baba Yaga’s bony legs. The girl said to the boy, “take this magic comb and embroidered towel, and run. When Baba Yaga chases you, throw down the towel, and a great river will rise up behind you and cover your tracks. If Baba Yaga is still chasing you, throw down the magic comb, and a forest will spring up behind you.” And the boy drove on and on, never coming back. Safe at last.’

I'm alone most of the time, now and even before covid. I do have my social interactions but they are work related. I eggs when I'm old and not as productive or useful to people I will be very lonely.

It sounds like you may be having a “total eclipse of the heart ❤️ “

R136 How cute!

I don't get it. Eclipse of the heart?

^👏🏻 🥂

Alan Watts’ laugh is so adorable.

Hope you’re feeling okay, op. Give us an update when you can.

R141 Hi there - thanks for the concern.😘 I’m doing better than last week. Not exactly happy, but not really depressed - just blah (and I’ll take that over being sad and upset). I’ve actually gotten some annoying things done that I had been putting off (wrapping gifts, cleaning, etc) so at least I feel like I’ve accomplished a few things. I am just really waiting to get a damn job interview.

I’m not sure the point. I do not see what there is to live forward to. Covid has decimated my social and sexual life, and a recent cancer diagnosis with some surgery has set me back further. I cannot even exercise right now. I’ve started Lexapro and it may be the only thing keeping me on this side of the window. tests for the rest of my life to see if the cancer has come back. And diminished sexual ability in my late 50s. Not really prime real estate.

R142 Happy to hear it! You hang in their and keep the faith that “this too shall pass.”

R143 I am sorry to hear about your recent cancer diagnosis and about the fact that you seem to be going through a dark night of the soul. I don’t want to ramble off a series of platitudes so I will just say that “the point” is divine and cosmic love, not carnal and earth-centered love. I know, I know, I sort of threw a platitude in here anyway.

Try to start looking at things - your life, “the point of it all,” etc. - from a place of deep humility. Granted, reaching a state of deep humility is often extremely painful and disheartening, but you must be willing - no, determined to see through the pain, the hubris, the darkness, in order to encounter the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I, myself, have had to undergo the effects of chronic pain (muscular) and self-imposed withdrawal, so I know what I’m talking about and trust me, there is bliss to be found in the purging of the empty and superfluous from your life. The amount of time it can take and the levels of pain you must endure are based on the severity and intensity of your attachments, illusions, and delusions.

Pain is requisite to healing and growth. Stay the course, have faith in the deepest and most vulnerable and loving part of yourself, and in something for greater and more loving than you can adequately imagine, and stay the course.

Go on YouTube and start researching mystical and Buddhist teachings. Do some reading on the same topics. Meditate and pray even if you “don’t believe any of that shit.” Start finding ways, however small, that you can be of help or provide some semblance of empathy and love to another. You may also want to conduct a life review, however painful, in order to truly get to know yourself. If you can’t exercise like you used to, see if you can adapt to new exercises, however simple and basic. Read some of my suggestions, which I’ve pretty much summarized here, at R77.

You are not alone; you are being heard; and you are being prayed for and loved. 🙏🏼

[quote]Go on YouTube and start researching mystical and Buddhist teachings. Do some reading on the same topics.

Funny you should say this because I just checked out a book on Buddhism from the library today. I plan to start reading it tomorrow.

Question: do you think it’s better to do mediation and praying in the morning, afternoon, or evening? I’m thinking morning because my mental energy gets depleted as I go through the day.

OP, there are studies that correlate unhappiness with time spent on facebook. I'm sure that also goes for instagram and other social media where people "curate" their self-presentation. Ever consider that presenting those air-brushed snippets are how [bold]they[/bold] fight depression? And at some point they'll have to reconcile the hollow distance between those fabricated images and their true lives, outer and inner.

At least here on DL: people are honest. You could do a lot worse for community. Even if the particulars of posters' suggestions aren't useful to you, the fact that they're relating, and trying to help, counts for a lot

I'm holding out hope that when the COVID cloud has lifted, people will find some commonality in having survived mass loneliness (no matter our relationship status) and isolation, and the reckoning that being cooped up with ones angels and demons brings. That perhaps superficial attributes will seem a little less important. It's worth sticking around to see what the other side of this mess looks like. Our collective seclusion is unique in modern history.

Above all, be kind to yourself. That's my inspirational 2 cents, and I mean it.

OP, I'd say meditate whenever is easiest for you, and try to make it a habit around that time. Something you do reflexively without it becoming a big decision. If you miss a day, pick it up the next day without self-recrimination.

OP

Only God is perfect. Most people are sinners and can never love you the way Jesus can.

R145 Personally, I find it easier to set aside time in the evening, usually before bed, for prayer and meditation though traditionally, it is suggested to divide up the entire day by 3-5 prayer times e.g. early morning, late morning, noon, afternoon, evening). I am still working on disciplining myself to do this. The times I have set out time in the morning for prayer, my day goes smoother and I feel much more centered.

I do, however, pray intermittently throughout the day without necessarily setting a specific time aside for it. If I am walking, washing dishes, doing menial chores or activities, I usually start nonverbal prayer. I also meditate during these times.

When you pray, you can free-form or use traditional prayers from any religion. An excellent book with a collection of prayers from all traditions, one for each day of the year, is “Prayers for Healing” edited by Maggie Oman. Extremely comforting, thought-provoking, and enlightening. Sometimes you’ll find you can just pray and other times you may need to the prayers of others, traditional or otherwise.

Although I cannot say that the path that led me to prayer, faith, mysticism, and a deeper relationship with myself and with the One has been easy, or removed from deep pain and suffering, I wouldn’t trade in this path for all the riches and pleasures of the world.

You’ve got this, op, because I can tell you are searching, questing, and desirous for something deeper...

You will find it. 🙏🏼❤️

Look up The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism to get started/warmed up (linked below).

Here’s the book I mention above. “ Prayers for Healing: 365 Blessings, Poems, & Meditations from Around the World” edited by Maggie Oman.

Also, Caroline Myss’ recently released (9/2020) “Intimate Conversations with the Divine: Prayers, Grace, and Guidance” is a favorite, similarly profound, and has been a soothing balm during these tumultuous and tenebrous times.

I find meditation easiest in the morning, and with a surprisingly noticeable difference from other times. I like to do it right after getting up and brushing my teeth (which is the first thing I do in my routine), before any social media or emails or todo-lists can cloud my mind.

I still do it in the evening sometimes if it's more convenient. Try it out, see what works for you. I like meditating, I'm otherwise feeling very similar to you right now but meditating really helps me.

Not this year.

This thread reads like what I imagine Michfest was.

It needs more nutloaf and vagina capes, R154.

R146 Thank you for the kind words.🥰

R149 Thanks for those suggestions! I will be sure to check them out this week.

This is going to be controversial, but a lot of depression, anxiety, mental afflictions that a lot of people in the West have is largely a byproduct of their dogmatic views. Much of the history was a leap from Christianity to scientific materialism and rationalism to nihilism to self-righteousness. The West never had something like Buddhism or Amerindian wisdom in their lives.

R157 True. Judaic and Christian mysticism are the closest thing, and both are overshadowed by rigid dogma and as you stated, “scientific materialism and rationalism to nihilism to self-righteousness.”

Interestingly enough, quantum physics sort of validates mysticism.

I used to wish I could lie around all day and masturbate...

and now I can

except on video calls

Mindfulness helps you keep an open mind, without being judgmental or dogmatic.

R159 Great suggestion!

However, I want to clarify something: there is a very big difference between magic/witchcraft, paganism, esotericism, and mysticism. I, too, once thought they were the same thing; they are not.

I am currently reading an excellent book I happened upon while on a trip to Sanibel Island; Evelyn Underhill’s “Mysticism,” which really clarifies what mysticism is.

As Underhill writes on p. 70:

[quote] The spiritual history of man reveals two distinct and fundamental attitudes towards the unseen; and two methods whereby he has sought to get in touch with it. For our present purpose I will call these methods the “way of magic“ and the “way of mysticism.“ ... they represent as a matter of fact the opposite poles of the same thing: the transcendental consciousness of humanity. Between them live the great religions, which might be described under this metaphor as representing the ordinary habitable regions of that consciousness. Thus, at one end of the scale, pure Mysticism “shades off “into religion-from some points of view seems to grow out of it. No deeply religious man is without a touch of mysticism; and no mystic can be other than religious, in the psychological if not in the theological sense of the word. At the other end of the scale, we shall see later, religion, no less surely shades off into magic.

[quote] The fundamental difference between the two is this: magic wants to get, mysticism wants to give - immortal and antagonistic attitudes, which turn up under one disguise or another in every age of thought. ... In mysticism the will is united with the emotions in an impassioned desire to transcend the sense-world, in order that the self may be joined by loveTo the one eternal and ultimate Object of love; whose existence is intuitively perceived by that which we used to call the soul, but now find it easier to refer to as the “cosmic” or “transcendental” sense. This is the poetic and religious temperament acting up on the plane of reality. In magic, the will unites with the intellect in an impassioned desire for supersensible knowledge. This is the intellectual, aggressive, and scientific temperament trying to extend its field of consciousness, until it includes the supersensual world: obviously the antithesis of mysticism, though often adopting its title and style.

OK, you guys - I’m feeling sad and miserable again.😭. I guess the past few days when I was feeling OK I was just kidding myself. I can’t stop thinking about people who have hurt me in the past and their lives seem to be just fine while I’m overall a decent person and I get fucked over all the time. I’m just so tired of good people getting fucked over all the time. I’m tired of trying to understand this world and why nothing makes sense.

I just cannot keep a positive mindset for long and I’m lonely.

Volunteer. It really helps depression.

The other thing is to get some Lexapro. It really works and is only $20 a month or less.

Jesus is your friend, don't you want to meet him?

R166 Is anywhere accepting volunteers during the pandemic?🧐

OP Sorry to hear you're feeling blue again. That's the trouble with a lot of depression, just when you're feeling stronger, and able to come up for some air, an invisible black hand seems to drag you right down again. Do you have a therapist, or a primary caregiver who can give you a referral to someone if you don't have one presently? Sometimes we're too deep to pull ourselves up on our own, and there's no shame in that.

Try some of the natural things I had suggested upthread, just not all of them together. I'd start with the 5-HTP, fish oil, and B-Complex. Nutritional studies suggest fish, greens, and legumes are good for mood. Oysters are especially good, as are mussels. Try eating more wild caught fatty fish. You would do yourself a favour avoiding simple carbs and sugars as well, as they leave you plummeting off a cliff eventually.

Put the music on, have a pot of tea, and do something mindless with your hands, like cleaning, waxing, detailing your car, any busy work which will quiet your mind. You can't allow it (your dragon) to run amok.

I almost forgot, nuts and berries were part of some of the dietary studies I've come across. Walnuts and blueberries are especially good, so pick some up next time you shop.

[quote]OK, you guys - I’m feeling sad and miserable again.😭. I guess the past few days when I was feeling OK I was just kidding myself.

Grace and happiness come in waves to provide you relief and to remind you that dejection and suffering are never forever.

[quote] I can’t stop thinking about people who have hurt me in the past and their lives seem to be just fine while I’m overall a decent person and I get fucked over all the time.

You need to exhibit more humility and forgiveness; without these two things you will continue to be overwhelmed by darkness and despair. It is not easy, can take a lot of time, and usually requires much self-examination.

[quote]I’m just so tired of good people getting fucked over all the time. I’m tired of trying to understand this world and why nothing makes sense.

Stop viewing the world through a lens of self-righteousness and all-knowingness. You are neither omnipotent, omniscient. nor omnipresent. You have no idea why things happen as they do and that is okay. Remember, you must strive for humility!

The karmic wheels of life turn and it is our job not to judge or fight them but to transcend them.

For a way to deal with your feelings of hurt or anger that is actionable and research-based, you can try this exercise from UC Berkeley. It's based on traditional Buddhist principles and validated with a study. They also have a podcast episode talking about the practice with a psychologist who tries it and shares his experience (Google "Greater Good podcast episode 79").

Please watch, “Let Them All Talk,” op. Perfect for your current mood. I think it’ll act as a balm.

You can stream it on HBO Max. If you have Amazon Prime, sign up for a free trial of HBO Max through there and then sign on to HBO Max directly by selecting “Prime Channels.”

R166

Churches are. You have to be socially distanced, and follow CDC guidelines for small groups.

Read R171 again and reflect on it. There's a lot of wisdom there.

R171 has good principles but like many well-intentioned descriptions it suffers from a lack of tangible support and usable advice. I know from experience being depressed that it is difficult to understand such intuitive descriptions when you cannot, in your upset state, grasp them emotionally.

I, too, know from experience, R176, and from battling the transfixing allure and pernicious tentacles of the dark lovers known as self-pity and blame, and of their devouring offspring, dejection, that in order to transcend all three, we must be willing to identify and admit when and where in our lives we willingly collude with them in futile attempts to avoid the pain and strain requisite for all true growth, strength, and healing. At the risk of sounding too esoteric, blame, self-pity, and dejection are extremely shrewd demons, but we aren’t dimwitted angels either. We invite them in.

We collude with them all of the time in order to feel better about ourselves, and when they bite back – bite the hand that feeds them – we shrink and demure as if held prisoner by them. We deny that we engage and utilize their putrid qualities for our own comfort and self-assurance. We pity ourselves when we do not get what we want or think we deserve, failing to mention or even notice that these attitudes, in and of themselves, reek of greed and envy, the progenitors of self-pity and the cause of much pain and harm to ourselves and to others.

We blame – the child of pride and wrath – others for our problems, and even have the audacity to blame others for not meeting our standards, for not being “good enough,” i.e., we judge, criticize, and size people up by their looks, intelligence, behavior, possessions, or lack thereof, and so on. We even turn blame, like a rabid animal, on ourselves. When dejection weighs down on us like a big black pile of messy id, we claim innocence and stupidity, hide in its shadow, and deny that we oversaw the fornication of its parents, self-pity and blame, and of its birth and emergence within ourselves. Sometimes, once born, we revel in dejection too, making use of it for pity from others, and as an excuse to remain slothful and unchanged and at worst, downright malignant.

It is said, rightfully so, that getting anywhere in this life - earning a higher education, acquiring a good job, amassing money in the bank, and securing all of the perks and prerequisites of life – requires hard work; well, so does becoming a fully integrated, conscious, and conscientious human being. Becoming whole, healthy, and secure with oneself, and building up the muscles of faith (in oneself and if you choose, something greater), humility, empathy, charity, and love (for oneself, those closest to us, and strangers alike) – the muscles that help us break through the chains of self-pity, blame, and dejection – requires strain, pain, and diligence.

Again, at the risk of sounding too esoteric or, God forbid, religious, this was the point of Christ’s life and crucifixion; to provide a template for transcendent love, charity, sacrifice, and forgiveness. What the Catholics and Protestants get wrong is that they hope and assume that “Christ did it for us.” Ha! He didn’t ask to be worshipped; he asked to be imitated. (He was clear in his distinction between himself and the Ineffable.) When He quoted Torah (Leviticus 19:18), Christ made it clear that we are to treat others as we want to be treated. He also made it clear that we are to take up our own crosses and crucify the basest parts of ourselves, and that doing so requires journeying, often arduously and rigorously, on the “narrow path” that leads to transcendence. But enough about religion, as I know it incites anger in many of you. You get the point, which is also promulgated by all of the great world religions – Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and yes, even Islam - especially their mystics. (Note: This is one thing that I deeply admire about Buddhism: you are not so much instructed to “believe in” Buddha as much as you are counseled to do as Buddha instructed and to refine your view of the world as being comprised of illusions, both beautiful and deadly.)

cont’d.

Humility is about accepting Truth, with a capital T. Here’s a simple truth(s) for you: There will ALWAYS be someone “better” than you; better looking, better off physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, circumstantially, and the list goes on. You can either accept that fact or spend your life trying to deny and outrun it. Denial and escapism, however, will only lead you back to self-pity, blame, dejection, and even addiction, though not always to drugs or alcohol. (We can become just as addicted to anger, depression, judgement, materialism, and myriad other attitudes, mindsets, and things.)

Another Truth: You desire to be loved, accepted, comforted, and forgiven for intentional and unintentional slights and trespasses. Knowing this, you should be willing to do the same no matter how challenging, uncomfortable, or painful doing so proves to be.

A final truth: You will never know why things happen as they do, nor the reason for every single person’s behavior, either toward you or toward others, so stop wondering and asking why. Focus on yourself, on becoming the best person you can be.

Faith starts with and in yourself. There is no religion that will provide you with the faith that you cannot give to and have in yourself. (“The kingdom of God is within.”) Faith is a choice and at times even a skill; it is not something you are born with nor something you acquire from someone or something else. Faith the “size of a mustard seed,” however, is worth more than a pound of gold.

Also, I gave “tangible support and usable advice” at R77.

(Sorry about the grammar, but this came out in a flurry and I don’t feel like editing or revising.)

Accept the fact that there have been billions and billions of lives and every single one of them has had a bad ending. Life is shitty and the ending is going to be shittier than you can ever imagine. Then eternal peace. You just don't get to know it.

[quote]I think attraction is the animating force of the universe...like gravity or the pull of the poles or what pulls the monarch butterfly to fly across the world... If you feel attracted to someone from your heart, and you look at them and you feel you can see their soul, that’s... There is no bad version of that. To be a part of that, we should...oh God, we should treasure it. We’re lucky to have that feeling. It’s the greatest - it’s the *fullest* expression of what it is to be alive.

[quote]It is impossible for me not to think, ‘What a miracle it is that this universe emerged. What a miracle it is that consciousness [i]emerged[/i].’

- Alice Hughes, [i]Let Them All Talk[/i]

Fuck, how do I italicize up in this bitch?

R181, DL formatting is arcane. For italics, you use [italic] [/italic]

You can find all tagging instructions by clicking "help" in the upper right corner. That brings you a black popup midpage that says "need more help? click here" (don't be distracted by the white highlighted animations on top of the page). That brings you to the "Help! What fresh hell is this?" page. The very bottom of the list is "post formatting", with actual useful information.

Haha, my italics instructions italicized a blank space and vanished. Short answer: use "italic" inside the brackets, not "i"

I’m back again and reading all the posts since I last posted. I just don’t even care about anything anymore for the time being. Does anyone else go through periods where they just go through the motions? I just don’t even have the energy to try anymore at the moment.

[italics]like this?

[bold]i give up on the italics

[quote] I just don’t even have the energy to try anymore at the moment.

Oh, but you do have the energy, R184, because, as you said in your post, you’re “going through the motions,” which is exactly what you need to be doing, as uncomfortable and devoid of excitement as it may feel and seem. “Go with the flow,” as they say.

What exactly is it that you want and/or are looking for?

Thank you for [/italics]trying, R182/R183.

Alas, it did [italic]not[/italic].

No it doesn't get better, but that doesn't mean you should get off the ride.

You bitches are terrible. Way to go and pull op into your private hells.

It does get better, op. Nothing, not even crushing depression, lasts forever. Nothing.

Have faith.

I am going through the motions most of the time. I realize that my life has amounted to nothing and when I die nobody will really care. I never tried to get close to people because I just knew they would reject me once they really knew me. I'm dealing with a bunch of issues right now and I just want to go away and not have to deal with it.

What is a life that has amounted to something; the collection of stuff and hubris?

As Buddhists suggest, meditate upon the fact that everyone and everything that means something to you will either die or fade away. Everything. Lean into that fact; don’t judge it, blame yourself for it, or try avoiding it.

Perhaps you are right R192. I have always been interested in Buddhism but never really took the time to really explore it. My state of mind right now is that I don't have the emotional energy to even try to do something to improve things. Thing are happening in such rapid succession that I don't have time to catch my breath and deal with any of them.

R193 Watch this.

True Happiness? One can never experience true happiness unless they win an Oscar.

OP you could use some uplifting pop music.

How are you holding up, op?

R197 I’ve surprisingly been feeling OK these past few days (knock on wood it stays that way). I’ve been staying off social media and I think it really has been doing me good! I’ve also finally been getting around to home projects I had been putting off so that’s been keeping me busy and my mind occupied.

The only thing I’m kind of down about is how I’m still getting NO job interviews for the jobs I apply for. It’s so discouraging. I’m even applying for things I’m more than qualified for and still getting nothing.

Thanks for asking!

R198 Happy to read that you are feeling better, staying off of social media, and managing to get things done around your home!

Also, I can both imagine and empathize with how stressful it must be to receive no responses to your job applications; I’ve been there; I think we all have. Keep applying, though.

Are you collecting unemployment compensation? Either way, it looks like Congress is on the cusp of finalizing a relief package which may include an unemployment benefits extension, so keep an eye out for that.

Keeping you in warm thoughts and prayers! 🙏🏼

I just discovered this man and his teachings last night. I’ve had his videos on in the background here and there since then but this lecture really hit me and about halfway through it, I thought of you, op.

I’m still trying to unpack all of what he says but wanted to share it with you. Please listen to it 🙏🏼

[quote]Are you collecting unemployment compensation?

Nope. I don’t qualify because I quit (it was a toxic work environment and I just couldn’t handle it and I don’t regret leaving). So I’m living off savings which I hate to do.

Do any of you have any advice on how to get out of bed in the mornings when dealing with depression? This is the worst part of the day for me because it’s like why bother? So it takes me like 45 minutes to get my ass up.

R202 Oh, how I wish I had this problem.

Put a glass of water on your nightstand and drink it when you wake up, it gets you going. Or, drink a glass of water before bed so that you'll have to pee in the morning.

OP, mornings are hard for a lot of people, not just you.

The only advice I have is to go to sleep early enough so that you're not dead tired.

I hate to recommend it, but it helps me: good, strong cups of coffee in the morning. I get depressed without coffee.

op, you radiate adorability to me. I love you, you little Charlie Brown you.

I love you. You do have friends on DL. Please be well.

OP it is peak time for seasonal depression as well. Make sure you are getting enough vitamin D, (the real vitamin D, although dick is good too 😁). It may help improve your mood

R206/R207 Would you believe me if I told you I was watching A Charlie Brown Christmas at the very moment I read your message?! I’m not even joking!

I love you all (well most of you) on DL too! I really don’t know what I would do without you all to talk to.

R208 I actually already take the real Vitamin D, so I think it’s the other D I need to try at this point. Unfortunately I don’t know where to find it.😭

R209 ::starts crying:: I believe, I believe! 😭

Hugging you in spirit, op, my lil’ Charlie Brown.

Hey OP - I've had my own challenges over the years (TL, no one will read lol) - It's tough once you're in that frame of mind, and tough to get out. You need a "jolt" of either someone in your (friend, network person to a job, etc,) something to give you some emotional, psychic traction that you can't get all on your own. Like I say, been there and I won't bore anyone with the details.

Starting tomorrow morning, you are going to say - "That's it. Time's up. I am getting it done." (whatever that is). Make a list and list everything you need to take care (job, bills, health, new place to live, etc etc)

Target how to get it done (activities, etc and prioritize i.e, job, obviously)

Be ruthless - spend time doing what you need to do to achieve your goal

You need to get out of the rut. Not one day longer. You are not the "depressed" person anymore. That is total history, yesterday's news. Don't even think about "depression" a second longer.

Get energized. Good thoughts generate energy.

Small successes generate more successes

Get off this particular site (for a few hours, just use this for fun...sharing fun things) and get involved in you and your future.

Be creative, innovative -

There's a famous quote "Where there's turmoil, there's opportunity." The world is in turmoil, find that opportunity.

I will share later on what just happened to me. This may give you hope. But I won't share today.

You can and will do this OP.

OP, you just have to take care of you. People will say exercise, stay busy around the house, try to help others in needs, see if a pet rescue shelter needs help, do a virtual meet up. As well intentioned as these words of wisdom are, when you are really down, who has the energy to do it? Try to lessen your expectations on yourself right now. The holidays can be hard enough in the best of times and then you factor the rest of 2020 into it. I think just do the best that you can and that really is enough for right now. Ultimately you are going to need to get yourself stabilized with therapy and perhaps medication, but that is out of reach for many right now and at this time of year when people start shutting down for the holidays. Find some comfort TV, maybe a long series you loved for the past, something with 6+ seasons, some great weed, and just zone out. Don't be too hard on yourself. When you have to really act you will know either intuitively or because you'll have no other choice to. In the mean time, self care.

OP, your posts indicate you are also boring, with an overuse of the word 'honestly'.

R212 Everything you wrote really spoke to me. I’m going to try this tomorrow. I can’t promise that I will do it day in and day out, but I can promise to do it for all of Monday and see what happens.

And I’d love to hear your story of you ever want to tell it. I won’t find it boring, I’m sure I’ll find it interesting.

R213 Thank you 🙏🏼 and I agree with everything you said. I am starting to realize though that I don’t know when enough is enough when it comes to self care, and if left to my own devices, I would be “taking care of myself” for years before I got motivated to move forward. So I’m going to try what R212 suggested tomorrow and see what happens.

You’re loved, op!

I was like you yesterday. I picked myself up and got going today. Things are still not working out but now I feel on top of the world. I still don't have any friends though.

So yeah it gets better. You just need to do something. Anything productive.

Now get going OP! Get em!

I’m so fucking depressed too, OP. IHML, but not really. I know that this will eventually change, but it’s gonna be a minute before this is behind us.

Where I’m at, lots of people are NOT getting the vaccine, which I want DESPERATELY. But I live in conspiracy theory land, and I should not be surprised that 8/10 people are refusing to get a vaccine that “isn’t proven to work”, or “can kill people”.

I cannot sleep. I’m wondering where I’m going to work when there aren’t any jobs where people are remaining safe, and everywhere I go that says “No Mask, No Service” people walk in and pull their masks down, while telling me that they’re not getting a shot designed to kill us by Bill Gates.

People out here see me as some sort of freak. Whenever I go out with my mask on, I get dirty looks and people look at me as if I’m not strong or I don’t have Jesus or whatever.

If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission.

I have no one to talk to about this, because I’m not met with any reasonable replies or even a sympathetic ear. So I keep it all inside until my anxiety mounts up to the point that I cannot sleep, and tonight is that night where I’m profoundly worried and have no one to talk to.

So I get it and you, OP.

Just hang in there. Eventually, we will be as back to normal as possible regarding this pandemic, but this presidency has fucked up our country beyond belief, and I am so sorry that it is also affecting you and many of us so negatively.

Hugs.

I’m so fucking depressed too, OP. IHML, but not really. I know that this will eventually change, but it’s gonna be a minute before this is behind us.

Where I’m at, lots of people are NOT getting the vaccine, which I want DESPERATELY. But I live in conspiracy theory land, and I should not be surprised that 8/10 people are refusing to get a vaccine that “isn’t proven to work”, or “can kill people”.

I cannot sleep. I’m wondering where I’m going to work when there aren’t any jobs where people are remaining safe, and everywhere I go that says “No Mask, No Service” people walk in and pull their masks down, while telling me that they’re not getting a shot designed to kill us by Bill Gates.

People out here see me as some sort of freak. Whenever I go out with my mask on, I get dirty looks and people look at me as if I’m not strong or I don’t have Jesus or whatever.

If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission.

I have no one to talk to about this, because I’m not met with any reasonable replies or even a sympathetic ear. So I keep it all inside until my anxiety mounts up to the point that I cannot sleep, and tonight is that night where I’m profoundly worried and have no one to talk to.

So I get it and you, OP.

Just hang in there. Eventually, we will be as back to normal as possible regarding this pandemic, but this presidency has fucked up our country beyond belief, and I am so sorry that it is also affecting you and many of us so negatively.

Hugs.

I’m so fucking depressed too, OP. IHML, but not really. I know that this will eventually change, but it’s gonna be a minute before this is behind us.

Where I’m at, lots of people are NOT getting the vaccine, which I want DESPERATELY. But I live in conspiracy theory land, and I should not be surprised that 8/10 people are refusing to get a vaccine that “isn’t proven to work”, or “can kill people”.

I cannot sleep. I’m wondering where I’m going to work when there aren’t any jobs where people are remaining safe, and everywhere I go that says “No Mask, No Service” people walk in and pull their masks down, while telling me that they’re not getting a shot designed to kill us by Bill Gates.

People out here see me as some sort of freak. Whenever I go out with my mask on, I get dirty looks and people look at me as if I’m not strong or I don’t have Jesus or whatever.

If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission.

I have no one to talk to about this, because I’m not met with any reasonable replies or even a sympathetic ear. So I keep it all inside until my anxiety mounts up to the point that I cannot sleep, and tonight is that night where I’m profoundly worried and have no one to talk to.

So I get it and you, OP.

Just hang in there. Eventually, we will be as back to normal as possible regarding this pandemic, but this presidency has fucked up our country beyond belief, and I am so sorry that it is also affecting you and many of us so negatively.

Hugs.

I’m so fucking depressed too, OP. IHML, but not really. I know that this will eventually change, but it’s gonna be a minute before this is behind us.

Where I’m at, lots of people are NOT getting the vaccine, which I want DESPERATELY. But I live in conspiracy theory land, and I should not be surprised that 8/10 people are refusing to get a vaccine that “isn’t proven to work”, or “can kill people”.

I cannot sleep. I’m wondering where I’m going to work when there aren’t any jobs where people are remaining safe, and everywhere I go that says “No Mask, No Service” people walk in and pull their masks down, while telling me that they’re not getting a shot designed to kill us by Bill Gates.

People out here see me as some sort of freak. Whenever I go out with my mask on, I get dirty looks and people look at me as if I’m not strong or I don’t have Jesus or whatever.

If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission.

I have no one to talk to about this, because I’m not met with any reasonable replies or even a sympathetic ear. So I keep it all inside until my anxiety mounts up to the point that I cannot sleep, and tonight is that night where I’m profoundly worried and have no one to talk to.

So I get it and you, OP.

Just hang in there. Eventually, we will be as back to normal as possible regarding this pandemic, but this presidency has fucked up our country beyond belief, and I am so sorry that it is also affecting you and many of us so negatively.

Hugs.

I’m so fucking depressed too, OP. IHML, but not really. I know that this will eventually change, but it’s gonna be a minute before this is behind us.

Where I’m at, lots of people are NOT getting the vaccine, which I want DESPERATELY. But I live in conspiracy theory land, and I should not be surprised that 8/10 people are refusing to get a vaccine that “isn’t proven to work”, or “can kill people”.

I cannot sleep. I’m wondering where I’m going to work when there aren’t any jobs where people are remaining safe, and everywhere I go that says “No Mask, No Service” people walk in and pull their masks down, while telling me that they’re not getting a shot designed to kill us by Bill Gates.

People out here see me as some sort of freak. Whenever I go out with my mask on, I get dirty looks and people look at me as if I’m not strong or I don’t have Jesus or whatever.

If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission.

I have no one to talk to about this, because I’m not met with any reasonable replies or even a sympathetic ear. So I keep it all inside until my anxiety mounts up to the point that I cannot sleep, and tonight is that night where I’m profoundly worried and have no one to talk to.

So I get it and you, OP.

Just hang in there. Eventually, we will be as back to normal as possible regarding this pandemic, but this presidency has fucked up our country beyond belief, and I am so sorry that it is also affecting you and many of us so negatively.

Hugs.

I’m so fucking depressed too, OP. IHML, but not really. I know that this will eventually change, but it’s gonna be a minute before this is behind us.

Where I’m at, lots of people are NOT getting the vaccine, which I want DESPERATELY. But I live in conspiracy theory land, and I should not be surprised that 8/10 people are refusing to get a vaccine that “isn’t proven to work”, or “can kill people”.

I cannot sleep. I’m wondering where I’m going to work when there aren’t any jobs where people are remaining safe, and everywhere I go that says “No Mask, No Service” people walk in and pull their masks down, while telling me that they’re not getting a shot designed to kill us by Bill Gates.

People out here see me as some sort of freak. Whenever I go out with my mask on, I get dirty looks and people look at me as if I’m not strong or I don’t have Jesus or whatever.

If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission.

I have no one to talk to about this, because I’m not met with any reasonable replies or even a sympathetic ear. So I keep it all inside until my anxiety mounts up to the point that I cannot sleep, and tonight is that night where I’m profoundly worried and have no one to talk to.

So I get it and you, OP.

Just hang in there. Eventually, we will be as back to normal as possible regarding this pandemic, but this presidency has fucked up our country beyond belief, and I am so sorry that it is also affecting you and many of us so negatively.

Hugs.

I’m so fucking depressed too, OP. IHML, but not really. I know that this will eventually change, but it’s gonna be a minute before this is behind us.

Where I’m at, lots of people are NOT getting the vaccine, which I want DESPERATELY. But I live in conspiracy theory land, and I should not be surprised that 8/10 people are refusing to get a vaccine that “isn’t proven to work”, or “can kill people”.

I cannot sleep. I’m wondering where I’m going to work when there aren’t any jobs where people are remaining safe, and everywhere I go that says “No Mask, No Service” people walk in and pull their masks down, while telling me that they’re not getting a shot designed to kill us by Bill Gates.

People out here see me as some sort of freak. Whenever I go out with my mask on, I get dirty looks and people look at me as if I’m not strong or I don’t have Jesus or whatever.

If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission.

I have no one to talk to about this, because I’m not met with any reasonable replies or even a sympathetic ear. So I keep it all inside until my anxiety mounts up to the point that I cannot sleep, and tonight is that night where I’m profoundly worried and have no one to talk to.

So I get it and you, OP.

Just hang in there. Eventually, we will be as back to normal as possible regarding this pandemic, but this presidency has fucked up our country beyond belief, and I am so sorry that it is also affecting you and many of us so negatively.

Hugs.

Umm, not sure why this posted like, a million times.

Sorry!

"If I get CoViD, I’m probably done, as I’ve had a diagnosed autoimmune disorder that is in remission."

Maybe this can bring you some comfort, r255. My best friend is 49 and lives with someone who just got Covid. She has two autoimmune disorders which put her at great risk. The person she lives with got sick for a few days, then was fine. My friend never had symptoms. So even if you do get it (you likely won't) you will likely survive and be fine. Its the elderly who are dying in high numbers...people over 75 who smoke or have compromised lungs/livers, etc.

R219 Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time too. FWIW, fuck anyone that gives you dirty looks for wearing a mask. Your health is more important than those fuckers’ opinions. And maybe with a little luck, some of those assholes will get sick and then finally get a dose of reality.

Hey OP at r215. R212 here again. Hope you are sounding a bit perkier which is good. I find being actually emotionally depressed a very, very draining experience. Once you kind of shed that feeling, you will find that you can seek things from a different light, a better perspective.

I said I'd share the good news about what just happened to me. I decided that the situation is so outrageous that I will likely get permanently FF'd by some folks (from anger, jealousy, etc) so I am going to save the "story" for another time.

I think the most important thing is to realize that a particular situation is untenable and you just need do whatever it takes to "fix" it. It's really really hard to get out that rut, emotional or mental rut, but that is a large part of it. That "depressive' feeling is just a symptom of unease - it's not you. It's not you, the person. Just keep trying to stay positive, put out good energy, take care of yourself (good sleep, good nutrition, some exercise,) and try to keep active trying to solve current issues (loneliness, isolation, etc). I think this isolation sensation we are feeling is because we are so alone with our thoughts 24/7. There's no external force, or friends or sounding board to listen to you, correct you, or offer suggestions. It's hard as I say, doing all this on your own. But you must.

Let me know how you're doing - we're heading into the New Year - good time for those resolutions, taking charge.

[quote] And maybe with a little luck, some of those assholes will get sick and then finally get a dose of reality.

I’m disappointed in you, op. Tsk tsk.

R229 OK well whenever you are ready to tell your story, I’m ready to hear it.

I’ve just been so-so; nothing terrible but nothing great has been happening either. Thanks for asking.

I always break my resolutions so I’m just going to keep mine VERY realistic this time, especially considering I don’t need any additional stress or pressure. I’ve decided my resolution will be to apply for 5 jobs every weekday (even if I think my chances are slim of getting a particular job) and to complete one task a day (clean the bathroom, do laundry, organize something I’ve been putting off, etc). And that’s it. Resolutions of exercising more, thinking positive 24/7, waking up at 6am every morning, or anything like that are unrealistic at this point.

[quote] Resolutions of exercising more, thinking positive 24/7, waking up at 6am every morning, or anything like that are unrealistic at this point

R231 Consider categorizing your decision to apply for work everyday and to get a chore a day done under “thinking positively”; it is. It can also count as exercise, too.

OP you've got to put yourself out there in order to make friends.

Life is not always extraordinary, an instagram moment. Most of life is getting through the day, but you can enjoy the day. Sometimes living for yourself is amazing. You'll figure it out, OP. Not everyone was meant to be extraordinary.

R232 That’s a good way of looking at things. Will do.🙂

Thanks for the love ❤️

[quote]OP you've got to put yourself out there in order to make friends.

I know this is true, but it’s not easy at the moment considering the pandemic, social distancing, etc.

I applied for 5 jobs today like I said I would. Wish me luck that I can get an interview for at least one of them!

R237 Good luck, babboo! 😘

"I applied for 5 jobs today like I said I would. Wish me luck that I can get an interview for at least one of them!"

As long as you remember that a Double Cheeseburger gets TWO slices of cheese!!!

Do NOT fuck up my order!!!!!

Look at it at another way OP. Depression is a sign of intelligence. Non-depressed people aren’t depressed because they’re too dumb to look deeply into things, to allow themselves to experience negativity instead of shallow platitudes, and to contemplate the meaninglessness of existence. All the greats were depressed!

"...and to contemplate the meaninglessness of existence. All the greats were depressed!"

You write children's books, don't you...??

I'm just finally realizing now at 55 that dreams won't come true, there is nothing ahead,I have to prepare for the worst. Lately I am being very impulsive...ending a 10+ year relationship over an argument, buying things, avoiding things. I just don't care.

R242 Well, lay it all on us, toots. What’s going on? What were the dreams? What was the argument about? What in the hell are you spendthrifting on? What are you avoiding?

R242 must be a lot of fun at parties...

R243 I spent $5000.00 on an iPhone & MacBook Pro, $1200.00 on a forme d'expression coat (on sale), Dyson heater, other odds and ends...none of which I need. The argument was over my being too graphic about gay things around a straight friend (while drunk) , the argument was really just an excuse for both of us to end things. The dreams are the usual, have a job that I enjoy, a lover that I love etc etc. I am avoiding work, housework, chores I just can't face it and things are piling up. Usually I get my act together and get things done but this time I am spending most of my time in bed doing nothing. Does any of the above sound like a person who isn't depressed?

R245 I understand. Have you spoken to him since the breakup? If you haven’t, you may need some closure.

As for the gifts to yourself, can you afford them? If you can, don’t regret your spree; just don’t spend anymore.

Get to cleaning up your place before focusing on work (if you can afford to do this, that is). Start small - with your bedroom - and then spread out your clean-up from there. Once you have your home clean and organized, it’ll be much easier for you to focus on work.

It’s okay and quite normal that you are feeling down. Seems like you’re dealing with a lot plus the holidays, which is always a shaky time for people. Sending you love and good vibes. ❤️ Keep us posted.

Thanks R246. I can afford the things but I would usually think twice before buying. My ex and I haven't spoken since and I really don't think that we will. I've been trying to do chores with baby steps but I start on something and 5 minutes in I just leave it and go back to bed. The holidays suck big time, my mom died a few days before Christmas 2 years ago ( she was terminally ill and spent the last 3 months at home with us caring for her). I'm not sure I will ever not dread the Christmas season for the rest of my life, her death was very difficult and I watched her die. I really don't recommend a home death it's extremely traumatic to the family. Thanks for the good vibes, I hope I can feel them through my numbness.

Sounds like OP needs to take out the RV and go downtown!

The good news is, R247, that at least you identifiable reasons for being numb and depressed. You have issues to work with, through, and to process, versus just being chemically imbalanced.

[quote]My ex and I haven't spoken since and I really don't think that we will.

I would try and reach out to him even if you’ve not planning on getting back together with him. The break-up of a long-term relationship can be just as impactful as a death; in fact, it is a small death in many ways. Also, surely 10 years is worth modem than a drunken spat and no communication thereafter?

Try to identify for yourself where you may have been wrong in the situation, i.e. consider whether or not your reaction to him was overblown (I already know his to you was to some degree) and how much of that was fueled by your inebriation. Even when we know we’re right in a heated exchange, it always does us good to accept responsibility for the part we may have played in said exchange.

You may want to get off DL, start cleaning up, and use that time to think through the events that led to the break-up, and through your 10-year relationship with him as a whole; thinking of it as killing two birds with one stone. By the time you’re done cleaning, that, at least, will be done, and you will have either decided to reach out to him or to remain incommunicado.

As for the death of your mother, after reading the thread on how others have coped with their parents deaths, I want to tread lightly. I can only imagine that it must be very difficult to adapt to that; I know it will be for me when the time comes. Seek solace in the fact that she is no longer suffering and has finally transcended this dense and ever-degrading physical plane you and I are still stuck in. More importantly, honor her memory by doing what is right for yourself [italic]right now[/italic]: cleaning up after yourself and processing your feelings about a 10-year relationship that just ended.

I will keep checking in with you and expect to read about some progress, mister!

Oh, and forgive the typos and also, after you’re done with the above, get to work! ❤️

R249 Wise words, I will think about reaching out to my ex perhaps in the new year.

[quote] Have you spoken to him since the breakup? If you haven’t, you may need some closure.

[quote] I would try and reach out to him even if you’ve not planning on getting back together with him.

I have the exact opposite point of view. Seems like you both knew this breakup was coming. Sounds like ex-partner was unkind and made a scene. IMO, you can't depend on him to now make you feel better about the breakup (which is what closure is). Breakups simply don't feel good. Time will help you feel better.

If your house is starting to get messy, maybe hire someone to clean it, temporarily at least.

[quote] you can’t depend on him to now make you feel better about the breakup (which is what closure is)

With all due respect, R252, what you are describing is not what closure is about. Closure is about coming to terms with what has happened, making sure that ending the relationship is, indeed, what you want, and if so, saying your proper goodbyes so that there are no residual feelings or regrets.

Seeking closure to something does not mean seeking “comfort” [italic]from[/italic] that something. I have sought closure in relationships that were bad and toxic for me, but ones I had to properly say goodbye to to move on. In some cases, my partner, friend, or family member was not ready to end or “close” the relationship but since they were unwilling to change and I had already pretty much made up my mind, their reactions had no adverse or positive effects on me; it was just confirmation of the inevitable.

Got it, R53. Not everybody operates that way, though. Personally, I wouldn't need an exit interview after a breakup.

Keep it going OP, r237. This will energize you, get the lifeblood going, coarsing again. Stay energized, stay positive, stay upbeat. That's the ticket.

r251 - I'm just reading your post. There's a wise old saying:

Foregiveness is a gift you give yourself.

“Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, to be at peace, to be happy and to be able to sleep at night. You don’t forgive because you are weak but because you are strong enough to realize that only by giving up on resentment will you be happy.”

[quote]Wise words, I will think about reaching out to my ex perhaps in the new year.

OP here. Since I’m a mess myself, I probably have no business trying to give advice, but can I make a suggestion? Contact him either Wednesday or Thursday (preferably Wednesday in case he’s busy on New Years Eve). This way you can gauge whether it’s even worth trying to remain on friendly terms or not. If he acts fine and seems glad to hear from you, then great. But if he responds in a shitty way or you get the feeling he doesn’t want to be bothered, then you can leave him behind in 2020 with all the other shit. Don’t bring any mess into the new year if you don’t have to.

Just my two cents.🙂

[quote]Keep it going OP, [R237]. This will energize you, get the lifeblood going, coarsing again. Stay energized, stay positive, stay upbeat. That's the ticket.

Thank you for being a fan when I need one!😘

You know what? You are absolutely right. I strangely felt energized and positive after spending hours looking for jobs to apply to. I felt like I was taking control and not lying down letting life just happen to me. No matter what happens, I definitely feel better knowing that I’m truly doing all I can to fix at least one area of my life. Something has to materialize at some point.

OP at t258 - R212 again - I am going to tell you something that you must not forget. One of the toughest and I do mean toughest things you will encounter in your journey is the reflexive need or natural reaction to sustained disappointment and that is to want to thrown in the towel. You will have challenging moments - moods or feelings that you can't sustain the energy but you have to mentally toughen yourself, keep on the path. No. Matter. What. No giving up.

The trick here is that most people give up . And they are right to want to give up because it's hard. It knocks you about and it wears you out like nobody's business. But if you have to stubbornly persist and you may just shock yourself with what happens.

Try it. I did. And.....well, it worked.

More later.....

OP at r258 - [R212] again - I am going to tell you something that you must not forget. One of the toughest and I do mean toughest things you will encounter in your journey is the reflexive need or natural reaction to sustained disappointment and that is to want to thrown in the towel. You will have challenging moments - moods or feelings that you can't sustain the energy but you have to mentally toughen yourself, keep on the path. No. Matter. What. No giving up.

The trick here is that most people give up . And they are right to want to give up because it's hard. It knocks you about and it wears you out like nobody's business. But if you have to stubbornly persist and you may just shock yourself with what happens.

Try it. I did. And.....well, it worked.

More later.....

R262 OP is [italic]my[/italic] sweet babboo, but you’re a cutie too!

R262 and R264 I love you both so much! Thank you for all of your support!😘

This is random, but I’ve decided to block the numbers in my phone of people who I haven’t heard from in over a year. I’m at a point where I’m done dealing with fair weather “friends” and acquaintances where I’ve always been the one trying to keep the friendship going (me checking up on them but them never checking up on me). I’m just done being a doormat. If any of them really want to be in my life, they will find a way to get in contact.

That’s another New Year’s resolution that I think I can keep.

R265 Babboo, don’t block, just don’t reach out. Leave the door open for them to reach out to you.

Happy New Year, you cutie! 😘❤️🙏🏼

Happy New Year OP ! - Agree, with r266. Don't even waste your time thinking negative things. Only positive. Positive actions.

R266 Ugh, you’re making me take the high road? OK I won’t block them.

R267 I’m really going to try my best this year. I really do believe having stayed off social media has helped a lot.

Happy New Year to you and everyone else in the thread as well! Although I’m not holding my breath for the world to be better, hopefully each of us will have a good year personally.🙂

R268

No need to block them, OP. They haven't called you in over a year. Who cares?

[quote] This is random, but I’ve decided to block the numbers in my phone of people who I haven’t heard from in over a year. I’m at a point where I’m done dealing with fair weather “friends” and acquaintances where I’ve always been the one trying to keep the friendship going (me checking up on them but them never checking up on me). I’m just done being a doormat. If any of them really want to be in my life, they will find a way to get in contact.

How about just deleting contacts?

[quote][R267] I’m really going to try my best this year. I really do believe having stayed off social media has helped a lot.

Do what works for you, OP. You're on the right track.

R242, R245, R247, R251, how are you doing?

Also, Babboo....

For those of you subscribe to Netflix, you may want to check out Headspace Guide to Meditation. I’m on episode 3 and am really enjoying and getting a lot out of it. I might start a thread for it.

Check eventbrite for online events Listen to interesting podcasts and Ted talks Take a walk outside in nature Ground yourself by walking barefoot in grass or gardening put hands in soil Do yoga Cry and scream get it out

R275 Hello! I spent all of January 1st offline completely just to clear my head a little. It was good...but you know I can’t stay off DL for more than 24 hours!😆

How is everyone else doing? I hate that I’ve been throwing a pity party for myself for the past month and I want to know how all of you that have shown your concern have been.🙂

We're doing fine, OP, r279. Don't be silly - everyone is in this - together. One team. The DL Team! lol - Good decision to stay off SM for a few hours. Just mark off those days per month - and increase/decrease according to your mood or outlook. There are no "rules" here - no judgment so forget what everyone else here is thinking. Just focus on you, positive outcomes and maintaining good energy every day.

Have your tried making a goal or a few goals? We'll be in Spring soon enough - perhaps a time to consider where/what you want to be doing? Be creative. Go nuts and just visualize situations. scenarios, dreams, etc and how to get there. Remember, it's not about the past anymore. That's yesterday's news. Just keep believing in yourself. OP's thread should be renamed:

[bold]I'm so fucking positive. I'm alone but I've plans, and a way to get what I want.

R278 That is fantastic. I wish I had your discipline. I spent [italic]most[/italic] but not all of the day offline. I commenced my weight training again after a planned week off and continued my New Year’s Eve clean-up and organization.

Also, don’t apologize for having a “pity party”; it’s your thread! Just keep on doing what you’re doing: applying for work, accomplishing a chore or two a day, and staying off social media. I am persistent, so I will continue to suggest that you try out one or two or all of the suggestions at R77.

Also, check out that meditation series on Netflix, if you’re a subscriber. You might get something from it.

No, your life will not get better.

Hey OP, good to hear from you. Feel free to check in any time. Not easy looking for a new job. I've been there and lots of us here have also been there.

I applied for a few more jobs tonight, and checked my email and got a rejection for one I applied for last week (not terribly upset because the job description didn’t exactly seem like my dream job).

Wish me luck that I’ll get some interviews soon!

Good Luck OP, r284. r212 here. Don't stop. You're like a freight train - going through that tunnel and nothing gets in your way! Fearless and Determined!

I haven't fucked anyone since the Pandemic hit in March, Opie. Almost a whole year of my tip-top-physical-shape Millennial youth ... wasted.

There. I hope that makes you feel better now and you experience some Schadenfreude.

[quote] I have no friends.

Friends are great, but they're also a bit useless :).

I have close friends, most of them checked up on me or vice versa - but they're all in freakin' self-isolation or stuck in other countries (air travel borders closed). One of them suggested we play "Secret Hitler" (an online social deduction party game). Another suggested we play ... online chess! Another is trying to get me to play a few games on Twitch. And that's great and all - but if I don't hook up with smn soon, I'm going to self-combust from pent-up frustration, I'm already climbing up walls.

I've stopped using hookup apps during the pandemic (too risky for my taste during this COVID thing). The only pool of people I can draw from for sex in this emergency year - are my friends and acquaintances (people whom I can trust more than a random online-app COVID 'super-spreader' stranger). But turns out none of my available friends have any libido. They'd all rather play video games. My generation truly sucks.

R274. I am feeling very depressed and lost. I have no energy and I have a lot of things that I have to do both work and domestic. I have some difficult decisions to make regarding family and business. I used to be pretty ruthless and could make difficult decisions and follow though. As I get older I realize how things that I do really affect other people and I stall when the time comes to take action. I have zero energy to do things, this is due to depression and the meds that go along with it. I have other health issues that require meds , these also seem to have an effect on my energy levels. I hope that things are better for you.

R242

R287 here, I forgot to mention that I haven't heard a word from my ex or I guess my ex friends. A friend of mine was encouraging me to call my ex and see how things are going but I didn't really care how things were going plus I know that my friend would like to still be friends with my ex even though my exes friends haven't reached out to me. I just hope that I don't get hit with a sudden feeling of regret over the whole situation, so far it hasn't bothered me very much. I still have feelings for an ex 2 exes back...I think that it's based on the fact that I missed the sex more than anything when we split.

R287 Hey you, it’s R249/R253 and a myriad other posts in this thread (not op, who is my “sweet babboo”).

Sorry to read that you are still feeling so down. As I said before, at least you know the reasons why. Continue to give yourself time to process and heal.

You described yourself as being/having been “ruthless,” so I’m assuming you have been a somewhat insensitive overachiever who is used to getting a lot done and fast. Maybe you are expecting too much from yourself and overly criticizing yourself for not being able to produce, which will only perpetuate the depression. Start small, such as cleaning up just your bedroom if you haven’t started cleaning up yet (you mentioned in a previous post that your place was a mess). If you haven’t already, you can also start by just writing a to-do list and listing all the things you need to get done by priority. Lists always motivate me.

R288 I feared you would start feeling worse about this. I’m assuming you haven’t reached out to him as your friend and I have suggested? I would. Remember, doing so is for closure for [italic]you[/italic] not him. You don’t want to suffer more regret and unnecessary cases of the “what if”s.

Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers (as trite as that may sound).

Thanks R289, It hadn't occurred to me that I should seek closure, I will give it some thought, thanks again.

How is OP today? Thinking of you and hope you are still nose to the grindstone. :)

I feel like dog shit!

[quote]How is OP today? Thinking of you and hope you are still nose to the grindstone. :)

Thank you for your concern (and every other sweet person who has been so supportive during this time 😘!).

I’m still surprisingly doing OK still - not exactly happy but not down either. I’ve just been keeping myself busy applying for jobs. I’m proud of myself for sticking with it and spending hours a day looking and applying. Not sure when I’m going to get some interviews but hopefully something will happen eventually.

And I can’t say it enough - staying off social media has been SO helpful to my state of mind. I don’t need to see all that illusionary bullshit to mess with my emotions.

Something uplifting for op

If you’re a Democrat, you should be [italic]thrilled.[/italic]

God, misery loves company as proven by this thread.

Stay off social media. It truly is toxic. I don't use it at all and I have someone take care of my work acct. Everyone needs to stop comparing themselves to everyone. It's not inspiring.

Honey, get a prescription for Zoloft or Lexapro. It's only $20 a month and really does change everything.

Hey OP - How are you doing? Watching the nutty news like the rest of us, I suppose. Any more feedback from your applications? If you're staying off SM, maybe that's a good thing. Keep us posted.

.............................

R299 I’ll piggyback on you and ask too: How you be, babboo?

Just now, during my evening prayer and meditation, I was compelled to pull a book from my shelf - John O’Donohue’s “Four Elements: Reflections on Nature” - and randomly turn to a page. I was struck by a particular paragraph - the first one I set my eyes on, actually - and instantly thought of you, myself, and others who have danced and battled with depression, op. The paragraph reads:

[italic]“There is something profound happening between the ocean and the shore. This meticulous and constant filling and emptying resembles the rhythm of one’s individual life.[/italic]

[italic]When depression takes you over, it is as if the tide of your joy, your sense of life has withdrawn and will never return. At such a time you are marooned on a vacant shore, even the most simple gesture has to be deliberately achieved. The natural flow of spontaneity has ceased. In such times it is important to remember that the tide has merely gone out and with the certitude of the ocean rhythm, it will definitely return again and restore your old buoyancy.[/italic]

I hope and pray you and others are feeling better after the trying past few days.

Hello everyone (especially R301 and R298)! Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond but it wasn’t until yesterday that I was finally able to post after not being able to for the past week and a half.

I’m honestly starting to get a little depressed again because, yes, I’m hearing back from jobs I’ve applied to and getting nothing but rejections.😩 It’s pissing me off and making me a bit sad.

But just having that freak show leave DC has definitely made the country seem brighter already. So that’s one positive.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

R302 - it sure sounds like your feelings are normal given the circumstances. Don't be so hard on yourself. I have a good job but my only company is my roommate and I am far from home and parents and sister. I also feel like you some days...it's an effort to do anything and mentally I am exhausted. Don't give in though. If you have days where you want to sleep a bit more, do it...just make sure to get up and try, try, try to get out there a bit for a walk or something that will give you a change of scenery.

((Is having a paying job what makes a person feel like each day is well spent? I had a tortuous job in health care that made 5 years of my life go by in a flash. I just have to wonder....)))

I just feel like I am existing and spend all of my time worrying about things that are mostly beyond my control but will make my already painful existence even worse. Pre-covid I always had a fantasy that I could sell off and move somewhere warm and when the money runs out just fade away, now I can't even have that standby to fall back on.

R302 BABBOO! I missed you!

Hey OP and Everyone - Welcome Back. I'm sorry it's been tough the last few days OP. Can I ask what particular field of interest you are applying for? What - if you can say - are your goals? That might help us to focus. :)

[quote] Pre-covid I always had a fantasy that I could sell off and move somewhere warm and when the money runs out just fade away, now I can't even have that standby to fall back on.

Sell off what? "When the money runs out just fade away"? That's not a "standby" that you could have *ever* fallen back on.

Welcome back, OP. Hang in there. Lots of us, including me, have been through periods of unemployment.

This job search is going nowhere.😑 And tonight is one of those nights where I feel lonely and wish I had someone to hold me.

R310 I love you, babboo.

Hey OP - Hope you're feeling a bit better today. Wish I was there to chat and boost your morale a bit more. Writing is not quite the same as being there in person, I know. Take a small break if you can - and decompress. I'm the "OP's Biggest Fan" poster here. I was out of work for nearly 3 years back in 2015. Worst time of my life and I still remember it like it was yesterday. Took a horrible toll on my health, everything....just awful, I don't even like to think about it. What I did - and it may not work for you - what I did out of absolute sheer desperation - is I contacted someone - very old, barely knew me - acquaintance. who was starting up a business and he hired me over the phone. I won't go into details, but he saved me and I'm still there working for him. You may not know anyone, but I'm just relating something that I did personally that got me out of an extremely difficulty situation. See if you can think of something, anything at all other than on-line job adverts (don't stop those) to connect with someone, anyone, anywhere. It's crazy, the world is small sometimes and you just don't know who knows someone who may know someone who may know someone else....etc etc.

See if you can explore that type of angle. Perhaps also chatting with someone could help relieve some of the stress. Maybe 90% of the population are jerks, but there remains at least 10% of folks out there who do care, who do have compassion, and will listen and might know someone who needs someone like you, with your dedication, passion, commitment, enthusiasm, smarts, and is willing to hire you.

I posted somewhere on this board sometime ago, the famous Sun Tzu quote: In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.

Be Unorthodox. Be different. Stand out. Reach out.

R312 You’re a sweetie. 😘

R311 You’re always so sweet 🥲and always bring a smile to my face.

R312 Another one who is always so sweet.😊. Can I ask what you did during that three years of unemployment (besides look for a job)? How did you fill up the days?

R314 You find you adorable and sweet, too! You are loved, boo. 😘

*I find you

Weird typo.

Hi OP - BIggest Fan r213 here - What I did for those 3 years? All I remember were never ending days of despair, physical and emotional fatigue (all the stuff you're going through....?) and just mindless looking at TV, - I honestly don't remember. Maybe afternoons sleeping away....looking at the world go by. Anyway, wasn't a great time. I had neighbours, friends to chat with but not much else going on. Landlord worked with me, letting rent go and just paying minimal amounts, etc. It was pretty fantastic in that regard but still, agonizing. I got a couple of contracts (couple hundred bucks) here from neighbour's friend (who had a business) for1 or 2 months but that was about all that was going on and it was min. wage which was better than nothing, that's for sure.

But I persevered. stubborn to the end. I had literally explored **everything** and there was nothing for me where I lived. So, like I said, I picked up the phone one morning, called this guy across the country and though he barely or at all remembered me, we made a connection, he promised to call on Monday and I was so poor (OMG - true story) I had to ask him for an advance. I hadn't even worked for him, he didn't even really know me, and I asked for an advance on the phone? Yeah, pretty wild time that was. I'm not suggesting you do **exactly** what I did but I was back against the wall situation and had no choice really. To be honest, physically, I could take it no longer, stress-wise.

That's why I'm suggesting to be a little kooky- think literally outside the box. Be inventive. I'm in the recruitment business now - high level, senior executive recruitment. ha ha ha . You can't make this stuff up, right? More later.

Chin up, you. Take today, to think creatively. Just walk around and think "What Do I Love to Do? What are my Skills?" Just let your mind wander for a few hours.....

Not to go off topic, but everyone mentions Alan Watts.

Could he be related to Chris Watts?

I couldn't get out of bed today.

Everybody posting on this thread who is feeling crappy & who has health insurance, go get some help, please.

Unemployed people: we've all been there.

I wish I could help you with your job search. But don't punish yourself. You can only do what you can do.

Medication plus cognitive therapy is an unbeatable combination. Cognitive therapy is something you can teach yourself. It entails recognizing depressive thoughts and correcting them.

Sleep is a wonderful healer. Make that a priority. Self-hypnosis is a form of meditation in which you give yourself suggestions. Many books and videos out there. Try it.

I've gotten pretty good at not suppressing flashes of anger and painful memories. Suppressing them gives them force. I acknowledge them and let them go. Also, when I dredge up something negative from my past, I ask myself: Why am I trying to punish myself? For me, it's usually because I'm procrastinating. I may not be able to stop procrastinating but I can stop brutalizing myself.

Being unemployed doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up every minute of the day.

From what I read on DL it’s no surprise so many of you are alone. Most here are not nice people. Maybe that’s the issue.

This last comment sadly rings true for many, not only the DL set. One thing about the nice ones here is that they really DO stand out; this thread is a great example of my point. The nice ones here are truly special, and are bringing the light into this world they would like to see more of.

Hope you are doing well OP, and staying strong... Same to everyone else here who has been struggling.

My problem right now is that I can't do anything. I have so many little tasks to complete but I can't be bothered. I really don't think that I will will be here by time I'm 60 ( I'm 57). My mindset is now: I could have lived without the last 30 years, why should I endure another possible 30. For a gay man, life after sex is nothing. We usually don't have kids or grandkids and we often have few remaining friends. I know this could be true for the straight population but usually they are distracted with family and friends. Also I have lost interest in movies, TV and books. I find everything too predictable or I don't relate to it.

R324 Have you considered volunteering or in some way helping gay men older than you (e.g. in nursing homes, hospice, etc.)? I know the pandemic limits the options for this, but something to consider.

Thanks R 325, I have a certain amount of social anxiety disorder and I can barely leave the house to do shopping and errands. I'm not really cut out for volunteer work, I'm sure it would be of benefit but it's not an option. Thank you for your recommendation though.

R326 I see. Here is another suggestion: perhaps you could offer your assistance remotely and maybe volunteer for a support hotline of some kind.

Admittedly, although I am nearly half your age, I understand and relate to the levels of anxiety and depression you have described and have experienced both in the distant and recent past. However, I have also made it a point of fighting against the gloom and doom that we are all susceptible to at one point or another. (In a sense, life can be seen as a series of gains and subsequent losses, and we set ourselves up by avoiding or not accepting this.) Of course, this takes and has taken a willingness to forego and transcend preconceived notions I may hold or have held about life - its purpose and meaning. I have also had to impose upon myself and endure various levels of purgation and humiliation to reach homeostasis and appropriate states of humility and gratitude.

Most of what we feel and experience is under our control. As the old adage goes, "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." For example, you stated, "For a gay man, life after sex is nothing." I disagree. Some of my most fruitful and growth-filled moments have been during prolonged periods of abstinence from sex and the carnal and superficial aspects of life. However, if the amount of sex you are having, or not having, is the metric by which you are measuring the worth of your life, then I can see how, for you, having no sex equates to life being worth "nothing." I would suggest fighting against and changing this preconceived notion.

Often, we have to do battle with ourselves, more than anything else, so that we may grow beyond life-imposed and self-imposed limitations. This is not easy and can be extremely painful, but then again, pain is requisite to growth. When I have felt as you do now, I have resorted to exercising - moving and straining my body, be it through walking, running, stretching, or weight lifting - to break out of the vicious and pernicious cycle of despondency and despair (and for the endorphins). Again, this takes work, and you have to be willing to both have faith in and be brutally honest with yourself. Growth requires a fine balance between being loving and gentle with yourself and being unwaveringly disciplined and fearless. You can do it.

Start off by ceasing to deem your life as "nothing" because of your age or lack of sexual activity. You are worth more than that, and I know somewhere in your heart you know this. Next, think about how you can be of help to others currently worse off than you, in however small a capacity. This does not have to be a gargantuan effort; just a simple act of kindness would suffice. Finally, force yourself to move your body. If you cannot endure rigorous exercise, then opt for yoga or stretching. The point is: move your body and channel the life force you have within you toward something positive and conducive to growth and health.

You are worth and have more to offer than you are giving yourself credit for.

:sending you a hug and a kiss on the cheek in spirit:

Wherefore art thou, op?

OP....felt