How To Not Be Jealous

I'd tell you to grow up, but you're already 40, so I got nothing.

Two words: Photo. Filters.

[quote]but I am overcome with jealousy of attractive gay men. Guys like Matthew Dempsey or Brandon Osorio

They're not so great.

Because Instagram is like Santa Claus OP

It's not real.

It's a story they're putting forward.

But as per R1, if you are 40 and have those issues, you are in desperate need of therapy which you can do via Zoom.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You are envious, not jealous.

Don't look at them, OP. Seriously. The lives they've manufactured to present to the rest of the world have nothing to do with yours. You do you, wish them well, and move on to more important things.

[quote]you are in desperate need of therapy which you can do via Zoom.

Contact Matthew Dempsey. Keep us posted.

Why don't you keep this between you and the therapists who'll never be able to help you.

I do not follow anyone on Instagram who looks happier or more successful than I am. If a sexy guy I’m following gets a boyfriend and starts posting cute couple pics, he gets unfollowed.

It’s wonderful if they’re happy, but I don’t want it flaunted in my face.

Don't look. Also remember that many gay men have mastered the art of smoke and mirrors so there re plenty of 6s and 7s masquerading as 8s. FILTERS FILTERS FILTERS.

I can tell you this - I was the bomb from 20-50 and now I'm not, and it's no picnic, either. I think you should be grateful that your average and don't have any real handicaps. There is no reason your looks should prevent you having lovers and friends. Something seems off.

you're average

[Quote] Guys like Matthew Dempsey or Brandon Osorio

Is it better that I don't know who these people are, or should I look them up?

I'm the OP - thank you to the person that pointed I'm envious not jealous. And for the rest...I am in therapy weekly and work on this very hard. Just looking for tips. Not following is a great idea.

Hold my avocado...

Your therapist did not suggest this in the very first session OP?

Methinks you are trolling us.

Stay off social media in general. Everyone's faking everything and it depresses people who view these people without remembering that it's a highly sanitized, fictionalized, account of the real life these people live.

Average in the gay world is homely. Just don't look in the mirror. It helps a lot and now that you're getting older you don't even have youth on your side. If love happens it happens if not you just live with it. Even if the loneliness hurts. Being alone is tolerable for many people. And if it isn't for you you're unlucky which is the way of the world.

OP, this thread may be of use to you. And especially this response:

[quote]Ever read Kierkegaard? His Sickness Until Death deals with this. Basically you create despair for yourself every time you try to be someone you aren't because in order to be someone else you have to remove yourself first. Removing yourself from yourself is impossible though so when you're unable to it and become this other person you feel despair. To stop the feelings of despair you have to accept that you will always be you and stop fighting it.

OP, there’s a concept in Buddhism called “mudita,” or sympathetic joy. It would be helpful to meditate on this concept.

When you find yourself feeling envious, try repeating the phrase “I am happy for your happiness,” directing the thought toward the person toward whom you’re feeling envy. It’s best to couple this practice with a practice of consciously thinking if things in your life for which you’re grateful.

[quote]Average in the gay world is homely.

Not sure what you mean.

The truth is, although we see them a lot in the media, amazing looking men are a very very very rare breed. Just go to any city and sit on a park bench and watch people go by. Very few are amazing looking.

We see them so much on TV and in the movies (and in porn) that we think we’re the only hideous one.

You must know by now that everyone is cherry picking on social media. They are showing only their wonderful moments and pretending they don’t experience the same old shit everyone else does.

Speaking of shit, think of this: They sit on the toilet to shit just like everyone else. Shitting is the great equalizer

Gay men aren’t often naturally beautiful but we keep ourselves up—going to the gym, keeping our weight down, skincare regimen, good haircuts.

What do you even know about them? You know what they want to show you.

They don’t show you all the terrible stuff they’ve been through in their lives

Given how pathetic you make yourself sound, OP, I doubt that you're jealous of these people.

Envious - definitely. But, what could you possibly have that you'd be jealous that they'd take it from you.

Here's a tip for you, try being useful for once.

[quote]Gay men aren’t often naturally beautiful but we keep ourselves up—going to the gym, keeping our weight down, skincare regimen, good haircuts.

Because we are terminally unhappy with ourselves.

OP, listen to R23. If you make decent money, give yourself a revenge bod makeover.. A beautiful body, good haircut, nice skin, nice clothes can go a long way. The instahos do put in the work to get those bodies but they are fiction. Take a porn/socials cleanse for 30 days while you get yourself into shape. It's harder now depending on where you live to get trainers, but start with youtube.

Dear OP, Shakespeare has some words of wisdom that apply to this very human condition in which most of us share.

I'm sure the scholars in this thread can find it for us

Oh all right damnit if no one else is going to say it then I will: There have already been several threads on this OP. Would it have killed you to have done a search before you posted this? Would it? What’s wrong with having a little consideration for others and doing a search first? Would it really have been that hard? Would it? Are you going to be able to give us an honest answer to this? Are you?

R6 if he hates himself when looking at them then OP is indeed jealous.

No, that's not how that works.

R31 you are so stupid. Why don't you just google when to use envious vs. jealous. Idiot.

I'm less than average in the looks department but pretty smart and a loyal person. I've been with the same guy for 25 years. He's also pretty average looking, but brilliant, kind, and warm. I'm sure we both have our fantasies about hot-looking men, but I also think neither of us see ourselves as having "settled." Maybe open your range to someone who has similar qualities to you--you'd be surprised at how easy it is to learn to find someone attractive. And then romance and companionship can follow.

(R30) why don't you shut the hell up? OP, we always think the grass is greener on the other side. Unless you know these people personally. How do you know they have such wonderful lives. They probably just as damaged and insecure as the rest of us. It's fake.

Why don't you work out and practice skin care?

OP don’t follow people like that. It’s completely toxic and unproductive. I’m also 40 and I won’t follow anyone on social media who makes me like a loser. Once you force yourself to stop looking at their stuff you will feel better (seriously block them if you have to).

The other reality is that social media is fake AF and you have no idea what goes on in other people’s lives. Everyone has problems.

And finally - really hot people tend to be boring. Maybe that’s just my experience but they don’t have to develop their personalities as much and usually aren’t as interesting to talk to or that kind or funny. It’s a rare rare bird who is hot and also a nice person and smart and makes you laugh.

Oh and everyone ages. Looks fade.

Feel better OP. I understand where you’re coming from. Instagram is a serious mindf*ck. I have a blank profile and just follow a handful of musicians and travel photography accounts.

I'm not sure how not to be jealous, I only know how not to be miserable.

Don't be r30.

beauty fades, stupid is forever.

don't be stupid, OP.

There is a lot you can do to improve your attractiveness - are you working out and eating well? A phenomenal body can make up a lot for an average face.

Are you looking after yourself in general? Taking care of your skin and being well-groomed, again can do a lot.

The biggest thing though is to avoid comparing yourself to others. Easier said than done I know - but it's true - there will always be someone hotter, someone more muscular, someone richer - so comparing yourself will always end up in disappointment. Bear in mind too that social media isn't real - people only show the good, they manipulate images, they appear happy when in reality their lives are collapsing and they are on the brink of suicide. Don't be suckered in to thinking everyone else is living an amazing life.

Count your own blessings and concentrate on the things in life that bring you the most joy. Do good things for other people. Be respectful, kind and generous at every opportunity. Be the best version of you that you can. That way lies inner peace and love.

Dear OP,

Declutter your mental habits. Too much envy, jealousy, fear, hate, confusion, frustration, etc. is not good for your mental health. Find ways to occupy and challenge yourself.

During the lockdown I decided to take on gardening and planted a few things in my balcony area. It keeps me busy and it's quite rewarding.

Create the attitude in your mind that you are doing your thing (and that's fine) and let others do their thing and notice that more and more things (people, conditions, etc.) don't get under your skin so fast anymore. That means you are on the right path. When you are busy with living your own life you will see it as a waste of time to care about what other people do wrong or what they do better than you.

I mean...it's perfectly normal to be envious especially in this vapid community. However, once it starts affecting your everyday life, you have a problem.

Your personality is also average, then.

R42 it’s not normal. It is what low-lives do.

Hi, so the way to deal with this was learned in high school and it's not the most healthy, but fuck it, it works.

There's all kinds of archetypal people in boxes (put in by themselves): sexy people, smart people, successful people, kind people.

So you're not in the sexy box. Big deal. Maybe you're the kind hearted average sweet guy. Maybe you're the snarky bitch who secretly wants to be loved.

Find your role and play it.

I thought this whole time I was playing the attractive smart weirdo; turns out I'm just a spoiled, hot asshole. I mean, it works for me. It was just a wake up call.

I’ve had people, even strangers, admiringly tell me what it must be to “be me.” And yet I have the same trials and tribulations as everyone else.

Also OP not everyone is attracted to looks only. I would much rather be with someone average looking who is funny and smart and kind than someone extremely attractive.

Let the insta models have each other. And we have no idea what actually goes on in their lives.

Quit Instagram. Stop feeding the beast.

Most of the people I follow on IG [italic]are[/italic] beasts, r48.

In a C average world all you need is a C+ to be above average.

I thought Instagram was for people with no life.

Big money big worries.

Thankfully the only social media I ever signed up for was Facebook...and at this point I don't even look at that much any more.

The rest of it is so unnecessary. It's just exercises in narcissism.

OP, you have two possible courses of action:

1) Work on letting go of the envy that's making your life a misery, and if that means seeking therapy and quitting Instagram, then do it.

2) Move heaven and Earth to get beautiful yourself. Spend all your spare time at the gym, tan, forswear carbs, buy a new wardrobe, get a discrete nose job or jaw implant, dump your old friends and claw your way into A-gay circles. Make others envy YOU!

But do one or the other. Because right now, it sounds like the envy is sapping all your joy in life, and giving you absolutely nothing in return.

R54, you forgot the third choice— kill your self

R44 So only "low-lives" are experience envy? Get the FUCK outta here. That sounds like something Trump would say.

^^no are^^

Comparing ourselves to others is natural. Social media is what has made it completely pathological.

Just my opinion.

I think jealousy is a normal emotion--and that's exactly what the Instahoes want to elicit in you.

Of course, to get that way, it takes steroids, constant working out, eating only protein, camera filters, and on and on and on.

I used to be obsessively envious towards an Instagram star in my city.

He uses his own name and over a few months I was able to figure out where he lives and works and plays.. and lots about his friends and extended family.

After about 6 months of obsession I realised his best pictures were artfully composed by professional photographers and that he wasn't the adonis that I had imagined.

So I was eventually able to cure myself of this particular example of jealousy.

How could anybody be envious of some piece of trash on Instagram?

Over-sharing = attention-seeking pond scum. You post pictures of your vacations to thousands of total strangers, you are beneath contempt.

R60 this movie sounds like your situation! Great film!

R61 Beautiful people SHOULD share their beauty with us. It is part of our Social Contract.

Wise people share their wisdom with us via books.

Many rich people share their wealth with us via 'noblesse-oblige', philanthropy and the IRS.

R63 - If they want to share their beauty that's what Pornhub is for.

Vacations do not interest me even when I'm taking them. Why should I care about other people's?

Instagram = mental illness + consumerism.

R65 Instagram is penultimate, Pornhub is ultimate.

Instagram retains an air of glamorous mystery to tease us and tantalise us like Sheherazade.

Instagram has also become a place for moms to viciously compete with each other over who has the better life and better kids and better husband. Tons of moms and their spawn living insta perfect lives.

I’m 65 OP. I wish you could see what I see. There is beauty in youth, it’s just the way nature works. I seldom see people who aren’t attractive at the young age of 40. There are people that see you as beautiful and they likely don’t set up thirst traps on social media. Open your eyes Shelby! Stop looking towards other people, especially all that crafted nonsense, you are enough, you always have been.

R67, that was lovely. (And no, I’m not being a cunt.)

Learn to appreciate things more. When you see people "living their best life" get inspired living your best life. Even when that means you taking out the smelly trash for now. You can have a great life, too.

R67 wins

Complete disregard other people OP. Just view them all as peons who misunderstand your beautiful genius. It’s an ego booster.

If it makes you feel better, everyone ends up looking average or below eventually. I looked-up old hotties from high school and they all look like crap now in their 50’s. And the fall from grace is much harder for them because they have to learn how to live and the huge adjustment.

I used to feel that way but it fades. As I get older it doesn't affect me as much and I understand it for what it is. I would stop looking at IG though, I still feel a bit depressed after looking at pictures there.

I encountered someone I know on the internet last night. Not him, but a video having to do with his having met the perfect wife, and having the perfect life. He's quite good-looking, smart as can be, kind, funny, and he was born on second, if not third base, money- and opportunity-wise. He's really the most perfect person I know. I don't know that I felt jealous watching this video so much as I had this feeling of "some guys have all the luck."

All I ever really wanted was a life like his. But he's not gay, and I am, and my default thinking goes there, as if I perhaps don't deserve a nice relationship like he has found, because I drew the gay card in life. All I ever met were "bi" guys and this one asshole who's been angry at everyone and everything his entire life. My perfect person resembles him a bit, physically, but he's a completely different human being, personality-wise, psychologically, etc.

I wonder whether, if Mr. Perfect had been born gay, he'd suffer from the same type dysfunction the Gays of My Life and I have experienced. I don't want to be straight—too late, anyway—but when I see things like this video celebrating the wonderfulness of Mr. and Mrs. Perfect, I have to say I wonder what it might have been like.

[quote] All I ever really wanted was a life like his. But he's not gay, and I am, and my default thinking goes there, as if I perhaps don't deserve a nice relationship like he has found, because I drew the gay card in life.

It doesn’t have to be a curse, R74. Remember this, if nothing else...

There are way more of you then them out there. Go forth and seek.

Oh and pretty people can come screwed up too....

When I start seeing the glass as half empty, I take a look around and realise that if humans are a pyramid, I am already near the top. Just go outside and you will see someone in a wheelchair, someone who weighs 400 lb, maybe someone blind. Realise they are people just like you, with the same capacity for pain as you, but they are a lot less fortunate. And realise too that you could lose the blessings you already have and be grateful for them now.