Let’s be “The Golden Girls” during CoronaVirus Outbreak

I'm St. Olaf. I don't have anything funny to say because I am the dumb.

I am the toilet paper Sophia hordes in her room.

Sophia: "I'll give you my TP when you pry it from my cold, dead hands"

Dorothy: "That can be arranged!" (caughs in Sophia's direction)

Dang, sorry. COUGHS, of course.

I am the dozens of men that got the virus from Blanche.

I'm Ron DeSantis personally shutting down The Rusty Anchor.

They all die a horrible death.

I am the last of the orange juice Morothy drinks, just so Rose can't have it, because being mean to Rose makes me feel better.

I am freaked out Blanche.

Blanche: Dorothy, Dorothy! The internet isn't working. It's not WORKING! I'm all caged in this house with ... well, you! And all this sexual energy coursing through my body and no access to gay porn! Where am I gonna get my gay porn now, Dorothy? WHERE?

Dorothy: From girl scouts selling gay porn door to door?

Blanche would never watch gay porn.

Oh, she would. And tell her gay brother all about it.

She couldn’t even stand that her brother was gay. But she’s gonna watch gay porn?

I'm Barbara Thorndyke stopping by to warn the girls about "this dreadful Chinese virus".

[quote]She couldn’t even stand that her brother was gay. But she’s gonna watch gay porn?

Sure, Blanche was cool with gay people as long as they are not relatives.

Or Yankees...

Blanche: You know who will never be able to social distance themselves?

Sophia: Your thighs.

Dorothy will be furious that her doctor did not believe she has Coronavirus. "You dismissed me!"

I'm Freida Claxton. I live alone because I LIKE IT, not because I'm social distancing!

I'm Blanche - stunned and devastated

I'm horny Miles, sticking my cock though the mail slot to get a blowjob from Rose. Although I'm secretly hoping it's that old Sicilian with no teeth who answers!

I’m Rose planting the last of the toilet paper rolls out by the lanai in order to grow a toilet paper tree.

I'm Coco, the homosexual cook. They had to rehire me since they are all now infected and quarantined to their own rooms. I leave their meals outside their bedroom doors. Meanwhile, I'm getting rid of all this fucking wicker.

Didn't they have a bidet?!

Ah shall refrain from cheap Hitluh-related snark, but please be awah that anothuh thread on the subject is heah.

R23 cool. But we are here already. Thanks.

I'm the St. Olaf story Rose intends to tell, in order to lift everybody's spirit, only to watch the others run outside to catch the virus instead.

Blanche was all about appearances--her issues with Clayton being gay stemmed first from wanting him to remarry after a divorce (because divorce is mildly scandalous) and then, after ostensibly accepting he was gay, being upset that he was going to marry a man (not just play the "roommate" game).

Blanche, 2020 version, would totally be watching gay porn because it's the privacy of her bedroom, and what she wants to see are hot masculine bodies writhing. She would never want to see another woman getting pleasured instead of her.

“But you are Blanche, you are in that oxygen tent!”

[quote]I am the toilet paper Sophia hordes in her room.

Oh, dear.

R26 or she wouldn’t be watching porn?

[quote] Not everyone loves porn.

I'm pretty sure Blanche "mirror above her bed" Deveraux would tell you that she's not everyone.

Cashier: I'd like to do a price check on toilet paper. These three ladies here just bought our entire inventory. The blonde needs extra strength and flushable.

Picture it. Sicily 1918.......

Blanche: I feel so bad but look so good...

I'm Dreyfus carrying messages between the two shows

I'm the perpetual cheesecake

I'm Jimmy the agoraphobe, doing fine.

Wouldn't Barbara Thorndyke just blame the virus on the jews?

I’m Dorothy's wedding dress, and I don’t like the way she’s looking at my decorative TP rolls.

I’m all the charity banquets that had to be cancelled.

I'm Coco, whose mysterious death in Oregon has now been attributed to COVID.

I'm Dr. Harris, informing Sophia and the girls that what she's experiencing are the classic signs of a gallbladder attack feom eating too many Milk Duds, not the COVID-19 flu.

I'm the pet goat Sophia inherited after her sister, Angela, died from COVID-19 in Italy.

I'm Sophia, cooking the sauce for my lasagne al forno. Takes 3 days to make, you know. I'm on Day 1.

I'm glad Aunt Angela is dead, I could never stand her.

I'm the Coronavirus jumping from Murray Guttman's hand onto Barbara Thorndyke's hand.

I wanna go to the Mortimer Club for once!

I'll be Blanche getting fucked right in the pussy

I'm Yvonne with a public service announcement for those lacking in jiggle and bounce:

Stop buying up toilet paper just to stuff your sports training bras!

Just stop!

I'm the long line of old dudes waiting to have some alone time with Blanche. They're each holding a roll of toilet paper as currency.

R41 ok so someone will inevitably snark but I’ve always wondered about that joke ...is it just a straight up “we have overbearing Jewish mothers who all wanted us to be doctahs,” or is is because, according to Jewish law, if your mother is Jewish so are you, or even more basic than all of those...simply , you are what your mother is? (Or a combo of all three)

Just asking

^ It's for the second reason you posted.

And the joke is funny because Sophia is asking if there's some cultural reason for a Jew to become a doctor, and his answer is a clever and humorous way of saying that many doctors happen to be Jewish.

R50 so (not to break down a joke TOO much and kill it), but Sophia is looking for/expecting an answer like #1, and the Doctor knows that but kind of fucks with her by giving an answer that’s like #2/#3. Which is what I’ve always wondered.

Glad someone sees it the same way!

Btw, again digressing a bit, but that whole orphan comment and Dorothy saying when you lose a parent you “might as well be 6” — I’ve been there and it’s true. Same of course with the front of the line comment.

I'm the caterer. I have a sensitive assistant who's on the verge of collapse. Whatever the problem is, I'm overlooking it.

[quote]Wouldn't Barbara Thorndyke just blame the virus on the jews?

No, Barbara was not anti-Semitic, she said "That's there policy not mine"

R53 no doubt she was a racist Republican, she would have called it a Hoax.

Mar-a-lago has free parking and serves a terrific breakfast!

You all seem to love Barbara Thorndyke

We're Miami's literary intelligentsia. This "social distancing" doesn't include us.

Barbara at R55 says that since the Jews got the Mortimer Club shut down, we will now be meeting at Mar-a-lago.

We hope they serve the Old Man And The Seafood Salad!

I just saw an episode I've must have missed before, the one where Dorothy's high school friend fakes her death.

I'm the Murder Mystery hotel now under quarantine.

I’m Murray Guttman and I’ve had it with all of the Barbara Thorndyke talk. I fucked Sophia last night and lovingly gave her Coronavirus...as well as bruises on her pussy with my dentures.

I am the Corona Virus themed night episodes of Golden Girls, Empty Nest, Nurses and whatever other spinoffs are on at the time

Hijinks ensue

I am one of the gal's sisters or children coming to take care of my sister or mother played by yet another different actress then the last time aforementioned character appeared.

"Corona Virus, is that contagious?"

"No, Rose you only get if your allergic to Mariachi music"

"Good, then I have nothing to worry about"

(Dorothy bites fist in rage)

Blanche on the phone with the clinic: "But doctor there must be some mistake. I don't understand. How could Dorothy, Rose and Sophia test tested negative for Corona Virus? Why ....they're old. Their immune systems are haggard and wrinkled with time. But how could the virus attack my young, supple cells?"

Dorothy, "I don't know, Blanche, maybe the virus is related to Legionare's Disease. If you sleep with a legion or two of Roman soldiers and it gets you. You plague infested tramp!!"

This Corona virus is nothing compared to Equine Sphincter outbreak of St, Olaf back in 1942, Our local butcher, Sven Lindenshmerker lost all the blonde hair on his arms and it grew back red!

I'm the very Empty Nest next door, COVID victims one and all...

I'm Carol Weston. As the youngest woman at Blanche's Moonlight Madness party, surely I will be safe from the Coronavirus!

I'm Doug, bending over backward for Clayton, in this his hour of need.

R53 *their

I’m the ladies’ heads on plates of cabbage leaves. The bloat is just setting in.

Pan to the left where Sophia sits. Well...what’s left of her. Unfortunately she was watching Dreyfus for the weekend.

I'm the song Rose writes while in isokation:

"Covid is nice. Covid is nice. Covid is nice. So I'll catch it thrice!"

[quote]Pan to the left where Sophia sits. Well...what’s left of her. Unfortunately she was watching Dreyfus for the weekend.

Richard or Julia Louis?

We're Rose's new cunt stewardess roommates. We brought the Coronavirus back to Miami from Milan and Paris.

We're the reason Rose's New Beach Friends... aren't around any longer.

Is the new theme song “Thank you for being a social distancing friend?”

I'm the girls, staying up all night, eating four cheesecakes while they wait for their Covid test results

I’m Al , Rose’s boyfriend who finally got up the nerve to go on a cruise around the world, and now it’s cancelled due to COVID-19.

I am Kirstin blaming the Blanche, Sofia and Morothy for Rose's coronavirus

I'm Blanche's slut niece. Between Auntie and me, well.....do I really need to go any further with this post?

I'm Dr. Jonathan Newman Rose's gentleman friend who isn't worried about catching it, since no one ever breathes directly on him

I'm the Rusty Anchor. We're closed.

I'm Dorothy, breaking mandatory lockdown, to catch a concert by an imitation Beatles band!

Due to the current coronavirus pandemic, our high school reunion has been cancelled. Stay safe classmates!

Dorothy: Ma, I told you to stay inside. You know I was really worried about you.

Sophia: Please, if I can survive two seasons of Designing Women I can survive the flu.

I'm Blanche's slutty niece Lucy who ignores the travel warnings and still goes to Miami for hookups.

I survived two world wars, a stroke and a heart attack, one day stable Mable over there will cough and that'll be all

I am the new theme song "Thank You For Being A Distant Friend".

AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose, it is not God punishin' people for their sins! That would be the coronavirus

Rose clasps her arm and collapses on the floor

Dorothy: Now you’ve upset Kim Fung Toi!

Sophia: And here‘s me thinking the Koreans had this thing under control.

I'm Mel Bushman and I'm still waiting for Blanch in quarantine .

I am the rolled up newspaper that Dorothy throws at Rose's head, because - thanks to social distancing - she can't come closer to hit Rose.

I'm Big Daddy's next bull shit description of Blanche: "Why, theyuhs that prancin' young Filly just as hot 'n fierce, just as devastatin' 'n wonderfully contagious as Cornoavirus on a balmy April mornin' full of over powerin' humidity causin' a dewy trace 'o the sweetest......................................................................

Sophia : Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.

Dorothy : I'm so sorry. What happened?

Sophia : [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

Sophia : She was 88 and had COVID!

Rose : Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

I'm Blanche's legs, at a socially acceptable physical distance of six feet apart.

I'm Trudie, who rigs Dorothy's COVID test and tells her about it days later.

I’m Blanche, heavily breathing into the receiver as I try to convince Dr. Harry Weston this is not just another obscene phone call.

Harry: Do you have a fever, Blanche?

Blanche: A fever?! My God, Harry — you have to save me!

Harry: Blanche, please, are you feeling hot?

Sophia (listening in on the living room extension): Ho!

Blanche: You tell me Harry. And don't forget to pack your thermometer.

Sophia: And a ventilator for me, Harry?

Harry: Sophia, is that you?

Blanche: Don’t mind her, Harry, we’ll just put her out with the trash on Thursday.

Sophia: You hear how they treat me, Harry?

Harry: Stay calm, Sophia, I’ll be right over.

Blanche: Oh, thank you, Harry.

Sophia (as Dorothy enters from the hallway): Yeah, thanks a lot, Doc.

Dorothy: Ma, was that Harry Weston?

Sophia (hanging up the phone): Sure was. He’s comin’ over to flatten Blanche’s curves.

I'd keep a distance from Becky but I don't want to travel to Tampa.

During a benefit for unwed teenage mothers, bankrupt novelties salesmen, and boxers-turned-actors needing tuition, the Donatello Triplets, just in with Bob Hope from performing for the troops in Afghanistan, sing an extended version of "Neutron Dance" while walking through the audience and sitting on the laps of handsome gentlemen patrons. Thus, the Coronavirus ravages Miami, with Bob Hope being the disease's first celebrity death.

As his daughter, Rose believes she's expected to give the eulogy at Bob Hope's funeral.

Hilarity ensues.

I’m Betty White’s agent and publicist, praying she doesn’t croak until this COVID-19 stops dominating the news cycle.

I'm Stan. Stopping by to borrow $50 from Dorothy. No symptoms. I wants to buy Chinese delivery for myself and my current honey. Dorothy and Sophia insult me, then kick me out.

Carol Weston and Nurse Laverne arrive to teach the Girls all about social distancing. Blanche immediately rejects the concept as something only for oldsters, like her roommates.

"It's Spring Break, after all," she declares, "And Spring Break is for the young!"

After Dorothy delivers another lecture about Blanche's callousness and selfishness, Blanche leaves the house in a huff.

Since Florida is not on lockdown, the Rusty Anchor is open for business when Blanche arrives. However, there is only one other customer in there, a handsome man played by Ken Howard. Blanche is ready to pounce on him when Ken insists on six feet of distance between them.

The two spend an afternoon seated six feet apart, sharing their deepest fears and longings over a few drinks. Ken even walks six feet behind Blanche to her car.

When Blanche makes it home, she apologizes to her roommates and says she's already learned her lesson about social distancing and asks for their forgiveness for looking down on them because of their advanced age. Dorothy groans and rolls her eyes, and then the girls air-hug each other from six feet apart.

Cue the heartwarming music used for Very special Episodes only.

Hi, I'm Coco, and am long gone from the Golden Girls. I am not far away, though. I am a longtime cook at Mar-a-Lago. The job is fine, except when Mr. Trump on weekends brings along Matt Gayetz and this Miz Lindzey. I've seen things I am not allowed to mention

I'm the cheap flashback episode where the girls sit around the table and reminisce about illnesses pass.

Harry Weston: Dorothy, I suggest you keep at least six feet away from everyone at all times.

Sophia: That shouldn't be hard. Have you seen her social calendar?

Dorothy: NOT NOW, MA!

Not that I want to kill this thread by mentioning Designing Women...

But that reminds me of how on DW they all looked like they were keeping distance. I hated that. They were all so awkwardly placed around that cavernous set exchanging lines from miles away. It always made the show seem so stagy and unnatural.

Dorothy: I'm short of breath.

Rose: Shall I call Doctor Jonathan Newman?

Rose: I was on that cruise with Miles! Do you think I should get tested?

Dorothy: No, Rose, you should Linda Evans' bangs.

Nurse: Ladies, it's essential that you self-isolate. Fidel may have infected every woman in this room.

Dorothy: He was never near me!

Nurse: I guess even he had standards.

Blanche: I don't know what's the big deal is. I can stop drinking Corona beer for a few weeks.

Dorothy: Not the beer, Blanche. Corona VIRUS.

Rose: You don't get the virus from the beer?

Dorothy: No, you dingbat. It's a virus like the flu. You can catch it through the air or by touching surfaces and people.

Blanche: Through ... touching? You mean SEX???? No, I can't ... I can't stop having sex for several weeks! My body is in full bloom!

Sophia: Full bloom? You haven't been in full bloom since Reagan was elected President!

[QUOTE]Sophia: Full bloom? You haven't been in full bloom since Reagan was elected President!

DOROTHY (sarcastically): Try Kennedy.

I'm Sofia when her friend Martha asks her to killer

"We're not in this life for peace, so get on that respirator, or I'll ram i down your throat."

“People Waste Their Time Pondering Whether A Glass Is Half Empty Or Half Full. Me, I Just Wonder How Long Coronavirus Can Live On A Glass. "

Dorothy) Come on Blanche age is just a state of mind

Rose) Then why are all the old people in Italy dying of coronavirus?

Ok ... let’s!

⚰️⚰️⚰️⚰️

I am the snake oil remedy Rose bought to keep her safe from the coronavirus. If the President endorses me I must work, right? Dorothy slaps me out of Rose's hand and then slaps Rose while screaming "What did I tell you? Do. Not. Trust. The. Bad. Orange. Man. On. TV!"

Barbara Thorndyke and Miami's literary intelligentsia stage a "Die For Trump!" rally in the parking lot of the Mortimer Club. Sophia's friend Martha tells Sophia, "I want to die for God and Trump!"

Sophia finally gives up on the old bat and goes back to the bar for another Boilermaker.

I'm Dorothy's homemade crochet-applique mask.

In which Dorothy seeks advice from Blanche and Rose on which face mask would better suit her.

I'm the final, tragic episode of the series, when the last of the four finally succumbs to the virus. All of the deaths appear off-camera, since the writers had to write them in after the actresses themselves die in real life.

Clayton: Blanche, I'm positive. The Corona Virus has given me weeks to live.

Blanche: Whew! What a relief! I thought you were telling me you had AIDS.

DL's Josh is doing this on his FB page.

Who is DL's Josh?

Dorothy) Blanche, you're home?

Blanche) Yep, turns out they can't use my kidney I have coronavirus. Isn't it great, and soon I'll get a respirator, I can't wait

Dorothy) That's resperator not vibrater

The ladies stop shaving their pussies as no man get close enough to pleasure them

Dorothy while reading the newspaper: "How interesting! It says in this article that per the CDC, Lesbians can't catch Caronavirus!"

Blanche while sitting next to Dorothy: "Well that's it, then. I'll have to change my ways. (Splays herself against the couch) DOROTHY! Come git it! I know you've always wanted me!"

We're Pat and Kathy. We've been hired by Corona Beer to spruce up their image.

Dorothy: Ma, I am not telling you again.

Your face mask stays on your face. Your underwear stays under your pants.

While attending the Madame X concert in Miami, Rose remarks to the others, "It's a good thing there are all of these empty seats so we can use social distancing!"

I'm the little boy with Coronavirus who hangs out with volunteer Sophia at the hospital during the outbreak.

We're the crisis actors who ghostlight Sophia into practicing social distancing.

One of us was the little boy in the burger commercial who jumped up and down when he got two burgers for the price of one.

I'm Dorothy's cowl-necked sweater that doubles as a mask. No virus can penetrate me!

I'm Stan's toupee. I can survive anything.

Dorothy: Ma, what on earth are you watching?

Rose: Dorothy, I think it's the new Spielberger horror film. How terrifying!

Sophia: No, Rose. It's Madonna's newest Instagram video.

Reductive, Rose.

Business has never been better!

Thank you for the laughs. Some of you itches could really write for the show.

Dorothy to Rose, who has just been laid off from work and fears she may get corona virus:

"Rose, you are feeling sorry for yourself. I mean, sure you're a little older -- so am I, so is Blanche!

Sure, you're concerned you may get the virus -- so am I, so is Blanche!

Sure, you may be a little thicker around the middle -- so is Blanche!"

r48 She has a few young bucks on retainer as well.

I'm Angela Petrillo. No, I don't have Covid-19, I've sounded this way since I was 12.

I'm Mario Lopez. I'm about to be deported.

They all died of the virus. That whore Blanche didn’t stop giving blowjobs to all those guys she dates. The show is now canceled. The last episode is called no weddings and for funerals. Hugh Grant gives a eulogies

Dorothy) Why did I let you talk me into raising pangolin. We're going broke

Rose) Now Dorothy if worst comes to worst we can eat them.

Blanche: Rose, we told you to buy extra strength "sterilizer" , not "steroids".

Rose: But they sounded so similar!

Dorothy: Now look at us, you moron!

I'm the girls' garage-based mink breeding operation, which turns out to be the epicenter of the virus spread in Miami.

I am Blanche in the very first episode on my way to post the "Roomates Wanted" ad at the local supermarket. I think the whole thing over and then call Susan Harris to cancel the series due to the covid-19 pandemic.

I'm Mister Terrific, suspending my histrionics to produce Very Special Episodes reminding the kiddies to wash their hands, not be afraid, and that...Angie Dickinson is hot.

[quote]Rose: I was on that cruise with Miles! Do you think I should get tested?

[quote]Dorothy: No, Rose, you should Linda Evans' bangs.

Rose: Gee, I don't know if I could pull the-

Dorothy: OF COURSE YOU SHOULD GET TESTED.

I'm Rose at the CVS drive-thru Coronavirus testing center. "Dorothy. My name is Dorothy Zbornak."

I'm Dorothy laying on the couch with a heating pad...or is it some other electrical appliance I'm using under that blanket?

"Condoms, Condoms, Condoms!!!"

"Relax lady, did you just get out of quarantine?"

Surprisingly laugh-free thread...

Freida Claxton at R150.

Harry: Blanche, what is wrong? I came over as soon as I could.

Blanche :(wearing sexy lingerie leaning in the doorway) I think I have that silly virus The President thinks is a hoax. I need a full body examination. (Fake cough)..

Harry: Get back. Social distancing! We have been through this before. You don’t have the symptoms. I must get back to the hospital and treat the people who really have it.

Blanche : Damn! As God is my witness Harry Weston will be mine! At least for one night. (She gives a real loud cough. She touches her throat and feels her forehead. She gives a very worried look. )

Blanche would 100% be a MAGA FRAU

"Make America great again? Make America great IN BED again, is more like it."

Sophia, Blanche and Dorothy hold a 1am meeting in the kitchen to discuss how to politely convince Rose to shower again.

Ever since the girls self-isolated Rose has been wearing the same grubby pink nightie, depressed and hogging the phone line as the grief centre now diverts calls for those who's loved on is COVID-19 +.

Dorothy is trying to run online tutorials via Skype but has to move her camera every time smelly Rose comes stumbling into the kitchen (or Blanche squeals about how horny she is).

Following one of Sophia's Sicilly stories, the girls finally agree that Blanche will first offer to run Rose a "Stress-bustin' vaginal rejuvenation bath". If she refuses Dorothy will pretend to gag and faint when she passes Rose's room. If this fails Sophia will turn the garden hose on Rose and yell "Your pussy stinks, you rancid botchagaloop!"

Why were they all so hot for Harry Weston?

He was fug.

R156, because he was a widowed doctor. The ultimate trophy. And he wasn't all that bad looking.

He may have been a widowed doctor but those cunt daughters of his always hanging around.

R158 would try killing the daughters

I'd like to see a reboot of TGG with the cast of The Facts of Life, but too bad Mrs. Garrett died, she would've taken the Sophia role.

Yeh what's up with that? Dinah I dont even remember what kind of job she had but Kristy was a cop so she should have enough money to livae on her own.

R150 is a music lover.

[quote]I'd like to see a reboot of TGG with the cast of The Facts of Life, but too bad Mrs. Garrett died, she would've taken the Sophia role.

They already did that on a later episode of FoL.

Jo was Dorothy, Blair was Blanche and Beverly Ann was Sophia. Can't remember who Nat and Toot were supposed to be...maybe Tootie was Norma Desmond. Whereas Nancy and Lisa "got it" as to what they were supposed to be doing, the others didn't so it kind of failed in that respect.

Still, Nancy in Thelma Harper rolled down stockings and Lisa with inflated titties and an exaggerated Southern accent were hilarious.

R163 So they were playing the characters on TGG as opposed to being older more exaggerated versions of themselves? I wonder if that clip is on YT. I think a reboot with them as their FoL older characters would be fun.

Dorothy on the sofa reading a novel and glances up and asks pensively:

"What the heck would someone call two lesbians in a canoe?"

Rose hearing the question as she passes through the room, turns her head and quickly responds:

"Fur Traders!"

And then adds:

*I'm from Minnesota you know."

Eat my mangina, r163!

The girls are dressed in black after attending Sofias and Harry's funeral

Blanche: it was real nice of them to let combine both funerals and have 11 attend. Social distancing was hard with Harry's brother being so handsome AND a doctor. Poor Harry. He will never the passion that is called Blanche. You know, he was the only man who turned me down. Or maybe the second. I dont remember. (The girls go to the kitchen and do their usual cheesecake routine)

Rose: for the last time

Blanche: what are you bumbling about, you dimwitt? By the way what are those baseball bats doing here in the kitchen?

Dorothy : um, uh, looters! We are afraid of looters! Looters!

Blanche: if you say so. I feel well protected by our president. I dont care what you say. As I said many many many times President Trump is doing a wonderful job! Wonderful job!

Rose and Dorothy both look even sadder. Then dorothy has a look of regret.

Rose: it has to be done. It was Sofia's last wish.

Dorothy:(she shrugs her shoulders and takes a deep breath) okay

Dorothy and Rose take the baseball bats and beat Blanche to death.

Even during possibly the end of times only cock roaches and grammar nazis will survive I just wanted to point out I’m sure I made many mistakes in my above post but I wanted to point out my most glaring. Sofia should have been Sophia.

The girls all sit down looking forward to cheesecake.

They bite into it and burn

Dorothy: Ma, what’s in this?!

Sophia: An old Sicilian trick that can ward off any virus. Anchovy paste.

r169

At least you're trying

Barbara Thorndyke at R170.

I'm the reminder that replies in "Let's be..." threads always begin with "I'm" or "We're."

"I'm Stan and desperate. I'll stop by and let those old hags give me a blow job"."

r172

I'm Judy Borden from Welcome Back Kotter reminding everyone "The roo-elz Mr Kot-tair, the roo-elz. Vinny isn't following the roo-elz."

I'm the former writer for the show who didn't realize he was breaking a rule by not starting with I or we.

I'm alone and probably dying but thank you for correcting me.

I'm the can of whipped cream going stale under Blanche's bed. With her usual collection of old men refusing to risk it and come over, Blanche hasn't had anyone to squirt me up her cooter or over her wrinkled, saggy udders. Some nights I swear I hear her bay at the moon...

This thread started off fun.

Now, some 12 year old has ruined it.

BLANCHE How the hell am I supposed to practise social distancing? Men are always throwing themselves at me wherever I go!

SOPHIA Ask Dorothy. Even when she was a baby, people would avert themselves from her pram and give her the Evil Eye.

DOROTHY (Coughs pointedly in Sophia’s direction)

DOROTHY: Ma, where were you. I was worried sick.

SOPHIA: I was getting face-masks before the pharmacy sold out again. Here you go, pussycat. They didn't have any men's ones so I hope it fits.

I'm the webcam Dorothy claims to her "Ma" that she IS using to provide online tutorials for self-isolating students. In reality I've seen more of that flat-chested broad than any Doctor could bear. She has now earned 8 tokens on BROKEGILFS.COM - €16.

I’m the telephone counselling Rose is forced to give at all hours. The girls keep looking in puzzlement at bizarre overheard snippets of the conversations.

I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."

I am Rose wondering why nobody is doing a telethon to raise awareness about this crisis. I mean, sure, social distancing makes it a bit of a challenge but back in St. Olaf ... oh-oh, Dorothy gets that look again and reaches for the newspaper!

Dorothy: Blanche, you got all dressed up just because Harry Weston is coming over? He’s just gonna tell you to take fluids.

Blanche: Well, I did want to look even more ravishing than usual when he examines my body pert, eager bosoms with his stethoscope.

*doorbell rings and Blanche rushes from kitchen to answer it*

Dorothy: You know from six feet away someone might actually believe those bosoms were pert.

Sophia: Yeah. Stevie Wonder.

I'm a Very Special Episode centered on an outbreak at Shady Pines.

It's not pretty.

I’m Rose who asks “what happens when there is only one of us left?” And just like in real life, she is the only one to survive the pandemic.

I'm Rose's resume, where she scratches off waitress and puts in hospital administrator, so she can help out with the crisis.

I'm the body bags Blanch used as a bed liner.

I'm Blanche's Mother at the home after being informed that by a nurse that though they're not sure which, but one of her daughters has Covid-19:

Big Mama Hollingswroth: "That must be my daughter, Blanche - the slut!"

I'm Blanche who decides to take the balloons out of her sweater and use them as face masks

I'm an episode themed around cabin fever, with the girls bickering about petty annoyances while they're cooped up together for weeks. They'll call eachother names like "A 1 first class all around nerd!" In the end they'll have a group air hug.

Gathered watching TV:

SOPHIA:. Whose that twinkle toes sashaying to the cameras lavishly praising Trump?:

DOROTHY:. We call her Miss Lindsey, Maw.

BLANCHE:. I'm a refined southern Belle, that Miss Lindsey is an imposter.

ROSE: I know the type. In St. Olaf we call them gamla drottningar.

R193 Not even a prune danish can make that go down.

I’m Mel Bushman. I’m Dorothy and Stan’s 40+ eldest son, the reason they had to get married after Stan knocked up Dorothy at a drive in, possibly having slipped her something. But although they talk endlessly of my much younger siblings Michael and Kate, I am never mentioned. I’m now living in Miami and occasionally sleep with Blanche in the hope Dorothy might acknowledge me. She doesn’t. She pretends not to know me. And when they all think coronavirus kills me, only Blanche is upset. And she breaks into my house. But even then it’s only because I’m her back-up sex.

So Frieda @ r194, are you a Lindz defender Republican?

I am the Governor Of Florida and I’m leaving a restaurant that still has seating. Outside is Sophia who is waiting for me and shakes my hand. Little do I know somehow Sophia has miraculously risen from her death bed to do this and had spit in her hand before.

I'm the homemade masks Rose crafted from old sock puppets.

I'm the first date Dorothy has been on in months that's to be cancelled due to the lockdown. I will still take place when Dorothy sneaks out of her bedroom window against Sophia's wishes and goes on the date anyway.

Some of you bitches are really good at this

I'm Stan rejoicing that tax payments got postponed until July15!

In Memory of Phil Petrillo.

I'm Sophia stockpiling dried pasta and tinned tomatoes under the girls' beds. Hey, why has Dorothy gotta rubber rabbit wrapped ina pair of Blanche's skipmy knickers?!

r96 is my favorite so far

r204 When did Sophia become British?

R206 she had another stroke after her friend Ida died of the virus.

I’m Count Bessie the piano playing chicken. I was spatchcocked and grilled out on the lanai last night.

I'm Kim Fung-Toi.

After contracting COVID, I'm different on outside, different on inside.

I'm Sophia's classic Sicilian curse: May you get diarrhea and have no toilet paper!

I'll have the one on the left and the one on the right.

Dorothy, you can have the one in the middle.

That’s not Miss Lindsey. Everyone knows she has pepperoni nips.

Have you bitches seen this? Baaahaha!

R213 Ussy Pay!

[R214] I know!! Dry as...Dorothy's uss-pay! So much to love in that video! And they got the subtleties down pat! Is there anything better than Golden Girls in DRAG??

I enjoyed the video very much but who was the terrible one who did Rose? Some kind of drag celebrity? The ones who did Dorothy and Blanche were perfect.

R216 Yes, I agree! Rose was not the best interpretation, but she only got 20 sec of skit, to be fair. Maybe next time they will show more Rose and Sophia!

I know a couple elder gays that would love that T-shirt!

I'm the nudist resort, where everyone is naked except for their face masks.

I'm the other guests at this nudist resort who no longer fear COVID-19 after having seen Bea Arthur naked.

I'm Dorothy's Quality Time effort, forcing Ma to look at old photo albums and slides while they're on lockdown together.

^ For that matter I'm Space Mountain, collecting dust.

I’m Susan Harris I’m a genius for creating great funny female characters of a certain age with the exception of Rita Moreno.

I'm Eduardo, conferencing in on Zoom for $100/hour, showing the girls how to cut and perm their own hair.

I'm Blanche's daughter Fat Rebecca, and this virus has been the best unintentional diet ever!

I'm Rose's natural hair color of something approaching bluish-gray. Since she can't shop for her usual banana-blonde at K-Mart she's taken to wearing colorful headscarfs.

I'm Sophia stirring a giant pot in the kitchen when the girls come in and declare it smells delicious!

"What is it, Ma," asks Dorothy. "Pussycat, what do you think smells like wet dog and tea tree? I'm disinfecting your slouch boots... All 6 pairs!"