Dionne Warwick, Mistress of Corona Funeral Ceremonies, is at your service

Bet she looks dapper in a white suit, that creme brulee hair, singing deeper than Barry White for a dolla.

Will you be as high as you were at Nippy's funeral?

I wouldn't hire this bat-shit crazy old hag to preside over Diane's funeral.

Miss Warwick, how has the Diva-American community been impacted by the Virus?

A Goodbye of Class. No refunds.

Ticket gets you admittance to the room, whereupon Miss Warwick's representatives will pass around the collection baskets.

Is there a discount for hussies of class, like myself? I know she has my number!

If someone starts coughing, walk on by.

It’s a simple ceremony. I understand that she just says a little prayer.

Don't Make Me Over-Sanitize

There's always a little humor, though.

Miss Warwick will point at the casket and say "I thought you was already dead!" before launching into "Deja Vu."

I never knew hate before, hussy, then came you...

If Miss Warwick knows you already, she may negotiate her rates. That’s what friends are for.

Miss Warwick don't negotiate!!!

People let me tell you about my psyyyyychic friend...

She’ll show up 15 minutes late for every funeral and ask her assistant, Alfie, what it’s all about—because she’s forgotten.

Her standard 9.99 eulogy (must be paid in advance)

Love power, it rules us Takes over and fools us To make it, it takes Love power takes over

I KNOW

I'll NEVER

SING

THAT WAY AGAIN

but I keep moaning on

until my voice is gone......

My “band” (my son and his Casio keyboard he hasn’t smoked yet) is available to perform for a nominal fee upfront in cash.

Yelp Review: I was not happy with the service provided by Dionne Warwick’s (Got) Your Number’s Up, Hussie Psychic Funeral Home.

1. She repeatedly asked if she could borrow the dress that Nippy was wearing once the funeral was over- something about an upcoming appearance at a autograph show and she needed something that would “knock em dead” and obviously this dress would. 2. She insisted that the casket be surrounded by fog at all times-“to add dramatic effect”. In reality, she just wanted to smoke Newport’s while on stage and go unnoticed. 3. Her prepared remarks was actually an old Mad Libs worksheet she stole from the set of Sliver Spoons. She kept arguing with the audience that Bitch Faced Ho was a term of endearment and complex noun. 4. Finally, she agreed to sing a melody of hits that she said would “honor the legacy, career, and pending death of Aretha Franklin”. We asked her not to, but she just did it anyway. Her choice of songs for this was Fat Brown-Eye Girl, H-E-I-F-E-R, Thats What Whores Are For, and I Never Loved A Man the Way I Loved Pussy.

She asked to be considered for Bobbi Christina’s funeral. I politely said “Bitch, you better get out my face and finally Know The Way to San Jose before I cut you”

Miss Warwick smokes Virginia Slims menthols, as she has come a long way, baby.

Please submit your interview questions on paper and they will be answered with terse 1-2 sentence responses at Ms Warwick’s convenience. Thank you.

[quote] We are all here to be a service to those who can't be a service to themselves. We can give people hope and more reasons for being human. Our greatest flaw is selfishness – Me, My and I syndrome. There are simple ways to solve it.

Bitch, from what Marianne Williamson book did you snatch this from?

I don’t live in San Jose so I’m not interested.

R23 you don’t have to live there, just how to get there.

Dionne’s assistant must have answered those interview questions. She must have got the number of the hussy interviewing her and walked out.

Does Dionne still speak with Linda Georgian?

R20, you ruined it with the unnecessary apostrophe on Newports.

An apostrophe does not make a word plural.

We need Miss Warwick in a crisis like this!

BIDEN/WARWICK 2020

A Pandemic of Class—The No Hussies Allowed Tour

"That's between me and my psychic"

Do You Know The Way To Sanitizer?

Did Dionne inherit Whitney’s wigs?

I am with you and I am before you and I am beyond you.

Way beyond you.

My expert professionals will tend to your hides and your unfortunately nasty innards. Our high-tone facilities are LA-River-sewer-adjacent for rapid disposal of your infected chitterlings and we absolutely commit to having running water very soon to add to our near-sanitary body wipedown and makeup spray treatment.

You will look as much like yourself as you ever did! And we will place you behind frosted glass for your viewing hour so no one can see it ain't so!

I do wish I could be there with you and ease your grief, but I shall be praying over every c-note dee-nated to your loved one's cause. Unfortunately, I am on my way to a secure location established for the safety of divas deemed culturally worthy of preservation. We'll see if I am the only one there, which would only make sense. I make an attachability of an explanatory linkage herewith.

So, my dear fans, feel free to die. Go ahead. Get it over with. Do it soon. Do it NOW. You KNOW the next few months will be nothing but global misery. My legions of Body-Uber workers are armed with Aldi shopping carts to pick you up off your front lawn where your relatives toss you and to take you HOME.

Burial or Other Permanent Disposition = Extra Charge.

=================

There. I did the fucking commercial interlude. Happy, Damont? HAPPY? Now, You. Fucking. Re-member. I. Get. 90. Per-Fucking-Cent. Of. The. GROSS.

We are STILL on the road. It's gravel now. Can't see through the windows where we are. I can't wait to see what my new emergency HQ is going to be. Wonderful and exciting to know that I will be safe, just like people know I need to be to continue to Dee-liver my love and joy to the world. And the people who came to pick me up didn't even flinch that they needed two more vehicles for my shit.

Now let me get back to sleep. That latest pow-wow smoke-um mix from Nava-Joe's Wampum-N-Dispensaria was aimed a little down and all the (cough) excitement (cough) has me feeling a little (cough) pee-culiar.

Still awake. R20, you did forget to say how I begin every service from the screen with:

[quote]I am so proud to announce that per her agreement we are thrilled to welcome our dear friend who will offer a special number to ease your pain. Ladies and Gentlemen and Whatever Else You Expect Us to Re-member to Call You,

[quote]Miss Aretha Franklin.

[quote]Yes? Re? Are you here? Hello? HELLO?

Shrug and big grin.

$199 special for full emcee services*

*Price does not include FOUR (4) First Class airline tickets and THREE (3) rooms and ONE (1) "presidential" level suite at a Four Seasons, Ritz-Carlton or equivalent, and $4,000 in spending cash for Miss Warwick. Must be provided IN ADVANCE. No refunds. And, no, we do not negotiate.

Damont at R36, you forgot my $500-per-prayer special and my discounted $999.99 "real tear" discount.

Get it right.

Shit. So upset at this need to keep up on the help I forgot to sign at R37.

And where the fuck am I? I've been in this limo long enough to make it to New Mexico.

Oh, honey, it would be the only thing new about you.

Fucking snipes. There are only three people who've ever dared to "honey" me. They were all white. Two are dead. Suspicious circumstances.

That leaves you, R39.

Just sayin'.

I will be re-recording That’s What Friends Are For and doing another tour, with all donations and proceeds going to Coronavirus research—after expenses are deducted, of course.

So glad most of you hussies weren’t around that first time I ran this hustle!

[quote]There are people who have sung my songs and made them their own: Aretha Franklin and Luther Vandross. And then there's a lady called Cilla Black

How bitchy. Dionne must be a DLer.

Why do you have to be a Lungbreaker?

When I was sanitizing carefully

Suddenly everything I ever wanted has been panic-bought

This flu may end, not you and I.

[quote]Dionne wrote: “Sometimes there are good reasons why a recording of the same song by different artists is an honest coincidence; other times, there is something a bit sinister about the way it’s done.

[quote]“Anyone Who Had A Heart, for example, was just flat out copied — note for note, word for word, and not very well, I might add — by the white British pop singer Cilla Black (whose real name is Cilla White; go figure).”

I'm glad that Cilla got under Miss Warwick's thin skin.

Miss Warwick, does it cost extra for you to sing? Do you still have your golden voice?

Firstestmostworthy, fuck these drag-queen imitators here. There is only one Moi, and I do expect that you people tell them so so I do not have to waste my golden breath. (Well, an hour after my last Kool Nonfilter my breath starts to go back to "clear".)

R46, it costs extra for me to take a piddle or a ladydumpe in someone else's toilet, much less actually singing. My voice is better than ever, obviously.

Now all of you please disinfect your dirty fingers before presuming to type my name. I do not want to catch anything while my diva-gig is going on and the new corona mortuary is taking off. I'm considering fucking franchising the bitch.

Mother Dionne, did you visit Nene Leakes' dentist for your dentures?

FUN FACT: Whitney picked up the delightful post-restroom remark "I just dropped a boatload of the number two on the number one" from CLASSY Auntie Dionne.

I most fucking certainly did NOT say that, you disgusting libelist at R49.

I said "buttload," not "boatload."

Do I look like a tramp steamer?

Shit.

Miss Warwick, where are you?! My grandmother's funeral was supposed to start an hour ago and you're still not here.

I gave your driver directions beforehand. You take the 280 if you're coming through Palo Alto.

Due to mysterious phone calls threatening violence against Ms Warwick, A Funeral of Class has been cancelled. We apologize for this inconvenience. We are sending this YouTube video to be played at the funeral in order to fulfill the contract.

I got your money, hussy!

^ dead

Conflicting reports aside, Miss D. Warwick was both present and on time to every function regarding A Funeral Of Class. Although some had to be performed via hologram, all were performed on schedule with the exception of hussys who did not know how to operate the Zelle payment app.

The Wolfpack is now going after Dionne! Corey F should call her and give her pointers!

Lady Dionne has partnered with Prophetess Juanita Bynum to bring you the $133 prayer kit to ward off the corona!

Each guest will receive a brand new CD-R bootleg copy of my greatest hits!

This bitch dead yet?

LOVEPOWER, it rules us. Takes over and fools us. To make it, it takes. LOVEPOWER takes over.

This song is so weird to me.

Ms Dionne will be a psychic friend and doing readings for relatives of the deceased and their guests immediately after the service.

The fee is 3.99 a minute. My son has a stopwatch and cash only, hussies! Will also accept cartons of menthols as payment!

Miss Dionne, will I find love among the ruins?

Another Yelp review: I am very displeased with Miss Warwick’s services, considering that SHE SET FIRE TO MY AUNT’S DEAD BODY! After a young gay black man reeking of marijuana appeared several times to reassure us that Miss Warwick would be there “in a jiffy,” she finally stumbled out onto the funeral home stage 45 minutes late, smoking a cigarette. She babbled incoherent gibberish while tapping her ashes into the open casket as though it were a giant ashtray. Being chock-full of flammable chemicals, Auntie Debbie naturally burst into flames. The young gay black man rushed out onto the stage and tried valiantly to save the situation by ad-libbing, “Miss Warwick forgot to mention that she would be giving her extra special Viking funeral service at no extra charge. Valhalla welcomes you, Auntie Debbie!” while a puzzled Miss Warwick kept trying to light a fresh cigarette from my Aunt’s smoldering cremains.

Does she charge an extra fee to give the deceased a psychic reading?

Chile, what is goin' on with them teefs?!?

Has anyone checked on future Kennedy Center Non-Honoree and most likely to not be recognized at the Oscars for the In Memoriam when she dies, Ms. Dionne “Newark Nasty” Warwick? Asking all you hussies to search the discount tobacco barns and slightly tarnished rhinestone sections at Joann’s Fabric!!!!

Gurl, lady Dionne is out smoking up her stimulus check

Don't forget Hot hors d'oeuvres (no seafood, shellfish or mushrooms) chicken wings, bar-b-que ribs, little frank meatballs and egg rolls.

[quote]Gurl, lady Dionne is out smoking up her stimulus check

She sure as hell isn't using it to pay her employees.

Due to the current situation, Ms. Dionne will be offering her funeral services via Zoom. Her camera will be off, but she will be there, quietly mourning your loved one. You may hear a TV and her occasionally coughing in the background, but that's not her.

Please make sure your Venmo payment has been made so that we may send you the link to the meeting room.

Not Abad offer: you pay DW $199 to emcee your funeral, she doesn't show, and you get to say "the bitch took my money and supposed to be here." Guests impressed or amused, DW's palm greased, everyone happy.

Yasssss getting those Covid coins hussies!

Remember, Miss Warwick takes CASH

Miss Warwick takes whatever is given to her, R72.

Covid coins lol

Dearly beloved, what the world needs now is love. And the invoice paid in full.

Which one of you bitches started this Twitter account?

Just make sure you give her directions beforehand.

She turned up an hour late to my aunt's funeral in San Jose.

Too bad we don't still need her.

YASSSSSSSSSS

Miss Warwick, do you think you can handle my mother's last wishes? She was a singer, too, and she even recorded one of your songs!

Did you officiate at her own career's funeral?

She’s was at that COVID memorial handing out business cards for anyone who might need a legend to hold their loved one’s funeral service.

“A Funeral of COVID Class is a once in a goddamn opportunity of a lifetime, you hussies!”

Miss Warwick, we paid you to perform our mother's funeral and you never showed.

[Quote] Miss Warwick, we paid you to perform our mother's funeral and you never showed.

That's terrible.

Dionne, why do you have to be a heartbreaker?

Another last-minute cancellation?

It’s Deja vu...

Should I pay in advance or will that money be spent on weed by the time I die?

[quote]Her prepared remarks was actually an old Mad Libs worksheet she stole from the set of Sliver Spoons.

I'd like that back, please, if you don't mind.

Alright I will, Ms. Dionne. I gots ya number, Hussy!

Does it cost extra for you to pull one if those ‘And now Miss Aretha Franklin..‘ moments?