Let's be a Harriet Tubman biopic starring Julia Roberts

Im that big toothy smile I posted about in the other thread...Julia and Harriet must have been separated at birth!

I'm her love interest, Otis the slave, played by Colin Farell.

I'm Sandra Bullock, firing my entire team for not getting me the role I was born to play.

I’m the alternate universe without SJWs that allows Julia to do black face.

I’m the long, glistening legs racing to escape the slave catchers through the dense underbrush of a Southern wood. I emerge bronzed, gracefully muscular, and strangely lacking in even one scratch or bruise.

I'm the train Harriet is driving through the underground railroad, which in this film is a literal railroad.

I am the actor playing Harriet Tubman’s love interest - a hunky slave torn between staying behind and protecting his family or escaping to freedom up North and a new life.

I’m the Sixpence None the Richer song playing as R7 and Julia walk hand in hand through the cotton field.

I'm Richard Gere, coming to Harriet's rescue

I'm Denzel, still cringing from that Oscar kiss. Oh, and I'm playing a young, spry Abe Lincoln.

I’m her straw cowboy hat and raucous laugh. I will be featured during a particularly harrowing escape chase scene.

I'm Skinny Marie, the crack whore found dead behind a dumpster in Pretty woman.

I'm a distant relative of Harriet.

I am her padded bra that gets BIGGER as the movie goes along.....

I’m the juice.

I'm the bouncy pop songs, playing in the background

“My emancipation colors are Blush & Bashful.”

I'm the slave husband she's forced to leave behind when he chickens out of the escape plot. I'm played by Kiefer Sutherland.

We're Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney as Julia's interchangeably handsome and utterly forgettable love interests.

Yeah, we're "black" too.

I'm Julia's wig!

I'm very curly, styled casually in a way that flatters the wearer's face, I have some carefully dangling tendrils, and I'm a deep chestnut color with some faint auburn highlights. I think I'm very brave, for playing unstraightened hair.

I'm Joel Schumacher and I'm directing

Who is writing the Oscar winning theme song?

Who will be the Oscar winning cinematographer?

Will Oprah finally win her supporting Oscar for her portrayal as the wise, counseling elder who unfortunately dies before she can achieve freedom with Harriet's assistance?

I'm the 21st century audience that can never understand the depth and breadth of the horrors in the lives the the titular character and her African-American counterparts.

I'm Harriet's affectionate nickname used throughout the movie. I'm alternately "Tubs," "Tubby" and "the Tubster."

I'm Diane Warren, writing the movie's theme song "A Slave to Love"

I'm Dionne Warwick. I'm not in the movie, but in one iconic scene, slaves working in a cotton field will burst into one of my Bacharach-penned hits, led by a banjo-strumming Rupert Everett.

I’m Morgan freeman who will be playing the kind but misguided slave master in this film. I simply can’t understand why my slaves want freedom

I am the make up by Max Factor

I am laughter...I am dying

I’m the cup of well water that Julia hands to master saying “We had that water brought in for you special Massa” which wins her the academy award.

Oprah Winfrey will play the Shelly Winters part, swimming between the river banks and going to uncatch the rope Julia has snagged on a beaver damn, freeing her and saving them all, but dying in the end. She will be nominated for the Oscar for best supporting actress, but lose.

I’m Mentos, the candy tie-in, because one of Harriets’s nicknames was Minty! The other was Moses, which didn’t work so well for product placement.

I'm the compilations of scenes showing Julia as Harriet training as a Blackbelt in her secret undrground railway so when she faces the confederate army, she single handedly kicks their asses!

r30 I'm the 30 lbs. of mac and cheese Oprah ate after losing the Oscar

I'm Harriet Tubman at the White House, joining Frederick Douglass to help President Trump present Julia Roberts with the True American Hero award.

I'm the galvanized tub full of bubbles in front of a fireplace Harriet soaks her head in after freed slave (played by Idris Elba) asks Harriet to 'stay on for a bit' ...which means basically to fuck him. Even though it creates some disruption in her plans to free additional slaves.

I'm Colleen Atwood, and I've done the historically accurate if somewhat fanciful costumes for the entire cast, except for...

[quote]Miss Roberts' Costumes by DONNA KARAN

I'm the succession of hand-knit cashmere shawls, sweaters, and wraps in flattering earth tones, the surprisingly clingy long skirts, and the darling little hats that Harriet sports in a bewildering variety.

Our Miss Julia's "Harriet Tubman" is a slave, alright....

To cutting-edge FASHION!

I'm the simple cloth bag that is shown over Harriet's shoulder as she jumps from bridges, tears through woods, meets with people in gracious drawing rooms in the Mid Atlantic states. Sometimes I'm not seen, other times I am. I contain all the items and more that R36 details. Always fresh and ironed, and ready for closeup. The bag, and all the clothes, will be available to fraus on a special website, along with knockoffs of Harriet's special chipped metal mug for cradling. Only $24.99.

[quote] Julia has snagged on a beaver damn

Beaver? Damn!

I'm Julia Roberts. I'm also playing a toothy antebellum lawyer who helps Harriet get out of legal scraps by my pluck, stubbornness, and whoring.

SPOILER ALERT:

(I'm also Harriet's long lost white twin sister.)

I'm GOOP. I'm selling some tie-in products on my website. How about a $1800 quilt inspired by slave quilts from the Antebellum South?

I am just a slave, standing before her master, just wanting to be free.

I’m Meryl Streep. I’m playing every part in the movie that Julia doesn’t play.

In an Oscar first, I’ll be nominated for Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress.

I'm Kelly Clarkson. Julia's gonna be on my SHOW, bitches! Promoting some movie she's in and giving me lip gloss tips.

I´m the mirror she looks into as she screams "Who says black don´t crack?"

I´m Julia´s fallback southern accent from "Steel Magnolia's"

I'm "12 Years a RAVE!" the limited edition lavender-peach shade of lip gloss from Maybelline, identical to the shade Harriet wore on her heroic journeys.

I'm the Jheri curl that the white producers thought was the right look for Julia.

I’m the prosthetic nose Julia selects to look more authentic in the role.

I’m Lucille Ball’s ghost, fretting thot I didn’t live long enough to buy the rights to the musical and direct, star and sing my way to freedom as Harriet, who everyone knows was a chain-smoking, red/head. My pal Bea would have made the perfect plantation owning, ass whuppin’ slaver.

“ You had me at sold!”, “You had me at SOLD!”

BIG MISTAKE! HUGE!

R51! 👌🏿Outta sight, brother!

I'm executive producers David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. I urge the writers to include a scene showing slave masters aren't bad people, just misunderstood.

I'm Justin Trudeau as Aladdin in the dream sequence.

Oprah will win the best supporting actress for her definitive role in this movie! Along with a Golden Globe, a BAFTA, plus numerous other awards (finally)!!

We're the sexy lingerie and hooker boots

Massa DeMille, I be ready for my close-up.

I'm Britney Spears singing "I'm A Slave 4 You" over the opening credits.

And actually “underground” R6! You’re the best.

I'm the AMTRAK tie-in for the movie! Our new sleeper cabins will FREE you from the SLAVERY of your travel woes!!!

I am Sally Field, I play Harriet's sidekick named Prissy. I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies.

I am a “A New Low, Slavery” t-shirt. I come free with a digital download with the movie which is now titled: “Julia Roberts’ Harriet Tubman”.

I am also available as a commemorative tumbler with the purchase of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese combo.

I'm the argument between writers about whether Harriet's revised character arc should be a "journey of self-discovery" like Eat, Pray, Love or an "ugly duckling, blossoming into a swan" due to product placement potential. I'm the mountain of cocaine that led to this discussion.

I'm A.O Scott. I can't make it through five minutes of the screening of this film that I must review for the NYT. Every time Julia shows up on camera looking thoughtful or serious, I dissolve into laughter. The movie is not a comedy but the whole thing cracks me up.

I'm Julia's mentor, Mr. Wong, who lives in a small hut in the nearby woods and trains her in the ancient art of Krav-Maga. That's how she was able to singlehandedly fend off the 27 slavehunters that swarmed her prior to the film's big finish.

I'm the Walt Disney version of slavery! I'm very similar to the Disney corporation's version of prostitution!

I'm the whole new Harriet that emerged after she just swaggered away from slavery. *SUH-NAP* Here's the sassy new Harriet just givin' it back to her former slave mistress.

You go Harriet girl!

I am the gentle song Harriet sings in her hovel as she decorates it with beautiful dried flowers.

I'm the Oberlin SJW that greets you at the end of the Underground Railroad

I’m Coretta Scott King. I paid the lyin’ In costs for that heifer’s birth.

I'm Fabreeze, the flaming gay stereotype and sidekick of Harriet who helps her get the slaves out of the South.

"Oooh girl, it is SO DARK in these woods. Let's rest for a minute, 'cause my ass is BEAT!"

I'm "Light Egyptian", Hollywood's version of historical accuracy.

R70 Lena Dunham in her first major film role! (Harriet is so lucky to have someone like Lena on her side!)

Yes, yes R71. Julia has mentioned you and you paying for her birth about a million times while promoting this movie. Julia's connection to you makes it perfectly alright for her to play Harriet.

I'm Julia Roberts' daydream after learning that she will be playing Harriet.

R5? You forgot to mention Julia's hardened nipples that are visible in the escape scene. Guys are supposed to see them but the filmmakers didn't want to be obvious about it.

This was beautiful! The scene where Harriet realizes that slavery is wrong! This just gets me every time. *sniffle*

"I learned that the slave masters were slaves too -- slaves to circumstance. I had to accept this in order let go of that pain and anger, so I could truly be free!"

I am Harriet/Julia's purposefully tight dress/schmatte, which draws the stares of male escapees to her chest, for which in turn she angrily chastises them.

I'm Tyler Perry Studios. I'm Tara 2.0, bitches

I'm the working title; "Runaway Tubman."

I'm Keanu Reeves and I'm helping Harriet escape on a bus which was loaded with timed explosives by the plantation owners.

R83, please see R3!

I'm Hugh Grant. He will be the conductor on the Underground Railroad and, despite tiffs, they will fall in love and marry and produce mixed-race white children.

I'm the I've Been Working On The Railroad musical number Julia sings to rally her passengers midway through the journey. Her dancing will be tastefully chorographed by Debbie Allen.

I'm the sexy Harriet Tubman costumes that will be all the rage this Halloween!

I’m Lisa Kudrow or Judy Greer as the less attractive female second lead. I may be a slave but my main concern will be finding a husband on this railroad.

Sample dialogue for R88:

[admiring handsome plantation owner]

What wouldn't I give to be his ole ball-and-chain!

[pause]

Oh, wait.

r29 is the very special Oscar category they win for best snark on DL...congratulations and keep your speech under 2 minutes please

I'm Wanda Sykes and I'm playing Julia's sassy black slave friend

We're 4 Adorable Black Slave Children, which we know only because we appear on the call sheet as ABSC 1, ABSC 2, etc. No one's actually given our characters names.

We have no lines but we have all been cast for our uncanny ability to look wide-eyed, impish, and grateful all at once.

We've been instructed never to make direct eye contact with Miss Roberts off camera.

I'm the CGI slave master, I have superpowers. Harriet and I have an epic, green-screened battle-to-the-death.

Hi, I'm Eric Roberts. Why doesn't anyone listen to me when I tell what an asshole Julia is?

We're the married male crew members who Julia will be fucking throughout this film shoot.

I am the flower Julia as Harriet picks on the mountainside while singing the showstopper "Edelweiss "

I am Justin Timberlake. I play Prissy, the adorable but dimwitted slave who don no nutin bout birfin babies

I am Marchesa....I will NOT be dressing any of the nominees for next years Oscar nominations

I’m Oprah Winfrey.

I will be thanked profusely by Julia when she accepts the Academy Award for Best Actress for the love and guidance I bestowed upon her.

She will bow down to me and throw kisses to me from the stage.

I’m Rupert Everett and I play her loyal gay confidante, Beauregard. Our dance number at the end will leave them clamoring for more!

There may be lynchings

There may be beatings

But by God, there will be dancing!

I’m the poor screenwriter who has been charged with working in a makeover montage for r72’s Fabreeze to give to Harriet to make her strong yet sexy and accepting her role as a savior.

I am also the new working title: The Pelican Tubman.

Ocean’s Eleven and a Half: Harriet Takes a Cruise

[quote]I’m the poor screenwriter who has been charged with working in a makeover montage for [R72]’s Fabreeze to give to Harriet to make her strong yet sexy and accepting her role as a savior.

Girl, just because you're a slave doesn't mean you can't look fabulous! Just leave it to me and you're gonna be pretty as a white lady!

Is Julia playing Harriet as being high yellow?

I love the scene where Richard Gere gives Harriet a credit card and tells her to buy whatever she wants in hopes of helping Harriet overcome the trauma of slavery!!

Shop Harriet, shop!! Strut Harriet, strut!!

I'm the movie's catchphrase "kiss my black ass!" which Julia-as-Harriet yells at Robert E. Lee and the Confederate Army. It is featured prominently in the trailer.

Coming Soon: Tubman's 11

I'm the new $20 bill with Julia's picture on it

I'm the green-screened CGI recreation of the Raid on Harper's Ferry. I don't even need Julia, just a body double!

I'm the reboot already in development. This time Harriet, played by trans actress Jen Richards, time travels to 90's South Africa to tackle Apartheid. Nicholas Cage wows as Harriet's love interest and spiritual leader, Nelson Mandela.

I am the theme song by Celine Dion.

I’m a minor ensemble slave character, Virginia Cedarbird “Darby” Shaw, also played by Julia. In a riveting flash-forward, my great-great-great-granddaughter (also played by Julia) is an octroon Louisiana law student who uncovers the Pelican Brief.

In the tradition of [italic]The Color Purple,[/italic] the new Tubman film has the working title of [italic]The Colored People.[/italic] If the movie fails, there's a backup plan for a new TV series starring Julia Roberts as Harriet Tubman, and Jim Jefferies as her BFF from down-under. It will be called [italic]Aussie and Harriet.[/italic]

I'm the next movie the producers make:

Jennifer Lawrence IS Rosa Parks IN "Not On My Bus MUTHAFUCKA!"

I'm the reveal that Harriet was all along Chris Pratt in disguise because only a God-fearin', gun-lovin' white guy can give freedom to African Americans. The ending was inserted to appeal to flyover deplorable audiences.

Chris Hemsworth IS Martin Luther King in: The Revenge of Harriet!

I'm Akwafina as Harriet's goofy, wisecracking Asian bestie. The scene when we have to do a striptease in a saloon is HILARIOUS!!

I AM Kenisha Jackson- Johnson and I will be doing the interpretive dance to the nominated theme song at the Oscars. Oprah will lead the standing ovation I will be getting... Thank you!

"Not On My Bus MUTHAFUCKA!"

😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

R119......that's the Rosa Parks biopic thread......

Susan Sarandon helps Harriet.

I'm Gabby Sidibe claiming that only she can play "Tubby".

The day Harriet ran!

I'm Harriet's six-inch stiletto heels, because Harriet's ass just won't pop without them when she's running away from her Massa.

I'm Jackée as Harriet Beecher Stowe.

I'm Harriet's swimming lessons and faked drowning to escape the plantation owner who still tracks her down to Cedar Falls, Iowa. The studio decided to rename he movie "Sleeping With The Plantation Owner."

I'm the singing and dancing field slave played by Sean Hayes. I beg Harriet to take me on her next trip to Philly for another one of our wacky adventures.

I am Eliza crossing the ice, played by Tyler Perry, in an attempt at verisimilitude by the producers, to counter having a white woman as Harriet, even though Tyler isn't a woman and Eliza isn't a real person.

I’m the rework of “Runaway Love” called Runaway Slave. It’s a big top 40 hit

I’m the silver, golden and platinum shackles tie-in at Tiffany & Co., Julia is wearing the specially made platinum ones with embedded emeralds to the Oscars.

I'm the after Christmas vacation planned for the first of the year. Nothing is as exhausting as a six week Christmas vacation... she's deserves it y'all.

I'm the hounds waiting for the cue to start snapping.

I can't breathe. dying.

I am Julie and Julia. I bring Oscar winners/nominees Julia Roberts, and Meryl Streep together with Amy Adams as Mary Lincoln shown in flashbacks. In this heartwarming tale, the two women recreate the meals cooked in the slaves quarters at the plantation where Harriet Tubman was born. Chitterlings and pork lard are highlighted.

I'm the invisible, for my cloak hides my appreciation for likewise male form. If you look closely you may see me briefly in Harriet's crowd. I'm the one looking into the camera with a knowing squint.

I'm the catchphrase that's also on the promotional T-shirts: "They're called boobs, massa."

R14, LOL!!!!

I'm the Rev. Al Sharpton in a cameo as the preacher. I solemnly warn Harriet about the dangers of the godly mission is about to go on with an inspirational message by the fire:

"Good luck girl cuz there's a shitload of muthafuckin' crazy ass crackers out there."

I'm the six hours everyone on set had to wait after Julia discovered a hot, young male crew member who had just gotten engaged to his longtime girlfriend.

Julia got to get her some of that!!

I'm the doctors appointment that held up shooting.

Julia Roberts' lips are having seizures again.

I'm the only time in my life where I agreed with Rush Limbaugh; "Julia Roberts looks like Eric Roberts in drag."

Hey!!! 😠

Hey!!! 😠

I'm Aretha, Whitney and Michael brought back through the magic of CGI to close out the film with a rousing updated version of "We Are The World". Credits roll over images of slaves and slave owners holding hands singing on Stone Mountain at a glorious sunrise. Closeups of smiling black faces and clasped black and white hands.

Fade to black aaaaaand Fin.

Bring tissues.

I'm the Harriet movie poster!

I'm the CGI cameo.

Overseer: Why did you help those slaves run away?

Geraldine: The devil made me do it.

I am Tawana Brawley (look it up kids). I am at at the Oscars to give Rev Al Sharpton his award for best supporting actor in a cameo role for the roleof the preacher in R138

I am wearing something from the Jeniffer Hudson collection first seen on QVC

I'm Jussie Smollett, I handle the luggage on the underground railroad.....it's NOT a comeback - it's a RETURN.

I'm Scarlet Johannsen, I'm playing the role of Whoopi Goldberg's character in Ghost, transported to help move the story along. "Harriet...You in danger, gurl!"

Oh R144, I can't...I just can't take it...this is all just so beautiful!! *sobbing*

I'm the Disney live action musical version, already under way:

TUB FULL OF FREEDOM

I'm Barbra Streisand who had the rights for the bio pic for years but never got around to working out the complications to get it produced. I was to star, direct, produce and sing the 9 internal monologue songs for Harriet (the same way they worked for me in YENTL). Mandy Patinkin was to co-star but not sing. Elliot Gould was to make an uncredited cameo appearance.

LOL!!!

I'm Rachel Dolezal, wondering why my life had to be ruined while this bitch is stealing my thunder.

This could become Julia's franchise with multiple sequels. "Harriet Tubman and the Plantation on Fire," "Harriet Tubman: Darkie Fate," "Harriet Tubman: Railroad With a Vengeance."

I am Will Smith and Jada...we are the producers of this piece of crap movie

I am Denzel Washington and how come I'm not given a plum role in this blockbuster?

Denzel? Lay off the blow. See R10.

Im Chissy Metz. I play the South

A still from Vincente Minnelli's little seen "Presenting Bertha D. Nation", a sequel to "Cabin in the Sky."

I'm Joan Crawford's "tropical makeup" from Torch Song's "Two Faced Woman" number. Julia borrowed me.

I'm the soundtrack album with Drake and Big Freedia performing "Freedom (the Freedia Mix)."

RAILROAD!

GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA ONNIT

GET ON THAT RAILROAD BITCH

GET ON THAT RAILROAD BITCH

I'm Drake, and I'm only nominally blacker than Julia Roberts. But that means nothing on this project.

I'm Tyler Perry, starring as Harriet's sensible and sassy neighbor Madea.

"Im Chissy Metz. I play the South"

LMAO!!!

I'm the line "Harriet, did anyone ever tell you that you are beautiful?"

I'm special guest star Eddie Murphy reprising his Grandma Klump character as Harriet's old, wise, and surprisingly sensual "Big Mama"

" Chile, is you tired of havin relations wit cho massa? I loved me some relations wit my massa.... "

I'm Dermot Mulroney playing Kunta Kinte. Harriet and I made a promise that if we were both still single at 30, we'd get married.

I'm the tight close-up of Julia, earnestly saying "I'm doing this for my people."

I'm Harriet showing up at Idris Elba's character's doorstep saying : "I'm also just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her."

Tight close-up of Susan Sarandon after Julia says, "I'm doing this for my people."

I'm the mirror Harriet looks into after the make-over from Febreeze

HARRIET: I'm a pretty girl, Momma ...

I'm Jimmie Walker. I do some really wacky catch phrases as I break the fourth wall and then close my scene with a mean shuck and jive. Fun for the whole family.

We're Heckle and Jeckle, Harriet's animated friends. We help her escape from dire harm but also provide comic relief with our constant bickering. Our accents, originally British and Brooklyn, have been replaced with voice actors mimicking Scatman Crothers and Redd Foxx.

R174 Yes, I can see it now, Harriet is done in a homage to Song of the South and integrates animation into the live action. In one of the big scenes Julia’s Harriet begs massa not to throw her into the briar patch.

I'm Steve Harvey playing the role of my career -- William Tecumseh Sherman. I march through Georgia and burn Atlanta to the ground.

I'm the historically inaccurate film that shows Harriet escaping slavery, but took a wrong turn and ends up in Connecticut, forced to serve shitty looking pizza. Chrissy Metz co-stars as Leona.

^ Harriett to Chrissie Metz’ character: “What are you looking at, Krispy Kreme??!?”

Billy Porter as the wisecracking gay friend

My kids have secured roles as young cotton pickers on a plantation, which is great because these slackers need to learn the value of hard work and the value of a dollar.

A leaked photo from the set; Harriet working in the fields and the moment she decides she will not tolerate slavery any more.

I'm Harriet using the word "empowerment." In 1865.

Really funny thread. Sometimes DL puts the professionals to shame.

I'm Harriet leading Jemima (Rebel Wilson) and Mammy (Lena Dunham) through the swamp to freedom, with the slave catchers and their dogs hot on the trail of our heroine. "We can't give up now" shouts Harriet "we are strong black women and freedom is within our reach!"

I'm the repurposed footage from "Mary Reilly," excavated for the "young Harriet as slave flashbacks."

Houston... we have LIFT-OFF!

"I don't know, Joel. She's reading a little.... pale to me."

"Oh, fuck it. We'll fix it in post-production."

R184 Vogue Magazine, 'Lena Dunham Discusses How She Personally Related to Hardships That Slaves Endured'

"This character touched me personally. Once I read the script I knew there was no way that could not play the part of an enslaved woman of African descent. I understood her pain. There was that day on the set of 'Girls' where I had to do a lot of walking and I wondered, 'Is this how hot and tired slaves felt back in the day?'.

And then I went hungry on the day that lunch was 30 minutes late and during those 30 minutes I was just like, 'This is what it is like to be poor and powerless.' This character was inside of me as a woman and it was therapeutic for me as a woman to bring my own very real life experiences to this part. I'm an honorary sist-ah!!"

R185, R186, R187 Yes!! Yes!! It's all coming together! Julia has simply embodied the part of Harriet Tubman! Anyone who is offended by this simply has no heart! *tears in eyes*

r188 the scary thing is I could totally see that as being real quotes.

I can only hope TPTB go with their guts and choose the ONLY director who can bring this to the screen with integrity and jive.......Seth McFarlane.

R190 I think it is saying that kind of shit that has gotten Lena into trouble in the past.

Remember when Dunham was jumping aboard the Harvey Weinstein train wreck and an African-American woman who worked with Dunham made allegations of sexual assault?

I should have added, "I'm an honorary sist-ah unless you are a woman of color claiming sexual assault. Then I'll go on Instagram and call you a liar."

Working on Harriet Tubman: Runaway Slave has been the joy of my lifetime.

Fortunately I am able to repurpose my Runaway Bride wardrobe, as it still fits like a dream.

Next Julia will star as Toni Morrison in "And Your Bird Can Sing"

It's a shame that Julia had to turn down the role of Maria in Spielberg's West Side Story due to the scheduling of the Tubman filming.

With the success of Zellweggers "Judy", the rumor is that Julia is in talks to star in "Moms".

I am the sequel in which Harriet reappears as the guardian angel to a young black American who has just married into a European royal family. Share the laughter and the tears as Harriet helps the young princess guide her inlaws into the 21st century.

I'm the executive who originally suggested casting Julia for the Harriet Tibman role. You'll have to excuse me now. I'm running late for Shabbos service at my shul.

Is it true that hot off her success in Harriet, Julia will be taking the lead in The Color Purple remake?

I'm so excited R197! Variety says the film is "hilarious" and that it will "be a delight for those who miss being able to see 'The Jeffersons' on a weekly basis". There is this one scene where Julia is reading about Heidi Klum and Seal and she goes into this funny tangent about them being a "zebra couple"!

Everyone be prepared to LOL!!

I LOL-ed during Harriet when Julia called her former slave master a "honkey" three times in a single anti-slavery rant!!

You go Harriet girl!

The scene where Harriet gets back in touch with her African roots...so powerful.

Harriet gets the call from the other slaves who would like to be free too.

God brings Harriet home.

Julia belting out the soulful song I Know Where I’ve Been, which has been adapted from Hairspray for the Tubman biopic by John Legend.

We are Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben......we do the catering for the cast and crew!

Chitlins, grits and watermelon y'all!

I'm the Swanee River. I'm where where Julia-as-Harriet's heart is turnin' ever, still longing for the old plantation, even after she's escaped to freedom and started gunning down secessionist slaveowners under the badge of the U.S. Army.

Harriet Tubman, plantation raider

Millie Bobby Brown is fabulous in the role of the young Harriet.

R188, that was frighteningly real. Well done.

Why thank you...R210 is it?

So this is what it feels to converse with those who weren't born into unimaginable privilege. Wow. I'm mixing with people whose parents are not celebrities and whose kids won't be cast in my next show.

This is what every day life had to be like for Harriet!

In obviously a late to the party challenge to Glenn Close's Albert Nobbs, Julia is favored to play James Baldwin in the upcoming film “Italian Decor”.

Word on the street, Julia is putting on a little weight since filming Harriet. My spies tell me she is packing on the pounds for her next big film role. And it is a BIG role. A role that will no doubt win her another Oscar. The contracts haven't yet been signed, so nothing is official yet. But look for Julia to star in the bio-pic of the Queen of Daytime. Yes, Julia will be playing none other than OPRAH WINFREY!

Expect Julia as Oprah to land in theatres at Christmas 2020.

The film is empowering and Julia is glorious in the role.

Tonight I am going to see the new Elvis biopic starring Seal as the King of Rock and Roll. I hear that Mo’nique steals the show as Mama Gladys.

So r213, the rumor that Celine Dion was going to play Oprah in the new musical is just that, a rumor?

We are the Willis sisters and are wondering why we weren't asked to play runaway slaves in the movie

I'm Joy Behar finally getting my shot at Oscar glory.

[quote]So [R213], the rumor that Celine Dion was going to play Oprah in the new musical is just that, a rumor?

R215 Yes, that was just a rumor. And a laughable one at that. The idea of them casting a Canadian, a CANADIAN, in such an Icon American role, is beyond absurd. Oprah is the most famous African-American in the world. And she is also the richest African-American women in the world. A beloved part of the fabric of America. Audiences would never accept a Canadian in that role. No, it has to be an American in the part.

And frankly, if they were willing to go with a foreigner playing Oprah, they'd cast Maggie Smith. Or Judi Dench. Maggie could have made the role her own, no doubt about that. But audiences just wouldn't accept a Brit playing Oprah anymore than they'd accept a Brit playing Superman. Or Spider-Man.

So, look for an announcement about Julia's casting shortly after Thanksgiving. Everybody is excited. And Julia's going to stuff herself at the Thanksgiving table to add the pounds to play this role she was destined to play.

As for Celine, I do believe she is on the short list to play Gayle King.

Oh, why such a gloomy Gus, R203?

The Tubman script was originally called “I've Been Working on the Railroad”, but had to be changed for copyright reasons.

"As for Celine, I do believe she is on the short list to play Gayle King."

I seriously doubt Celine would go so low as to just play Gayle. I did hear a rumor about her playing the Gabourey Sidibe role in the remake of Precious..as you can tell, the resemblance is stunning!

Celine would be perfect for Precious!

But wouldn't she be better for the Mo'Nique part? I can just see Celine throwing that TV set down the staircase opening now!

r221 R222 I heard The Pretenders are going to sign on and do the opening song

^^^^^^^^^

Um, if your bringing the Pretenders into this they better in on the Harriet soundtrack as well with this number.

I'm the song playing over the closing credits.

Coming soon..........

"HARRIET!!!!" She loves trouble....

You made me literally laugh out loud R217!

After the Underground Railroad, Harriet will hop aboard a train called AMERICAN EXPRESS to go shoe shopping.

R221 Vogue Magazine Canada; 'Celine Dion Opens Up About Bringing a Healthier, More Attractive Version of Precious to The Big Screen'.

"I never got the whole 'fat Precious' thing. What did Precious being a fatty have to do with the story line, plot or the realities of Precious' life? Never got that."

Joan Plowright has just signed on for the upcoming musical version - "Oh, Harriet!"

Julia's transformation into the aging, elderly Harriet was stunning!

My spies tell me that Jennifer Aniston is jealous of all the acclaim that Julia is getting for Harriet.

So, Jennifer has arranged to star in a prestige bio-pic of her own. Jennifer spend considerable time going over possible choices. She even consulted with her exes Brad and Justin about which role was right for her (that's how bad she wanted it that she would agree to talk with them).

Finally, she found the right vehicle. And one that I think she can excel with . This time next year, Jen will be giving Julia as Oprah some serious competition at the Oscars.

Look for our gal Jen to star as Maya Angelou.

You heard it here first, folks.

This just in. Tyler Perry will also be starring in an upcoming bio pic. You'll be saying "Hello gorgeous" to Tyler after this one. And he'll have a lock on an Oscar nod, for certain.

Look for Tyler to play Barbra Streisand.

Filming starts in March 2020 with a May 2020 release date planned.

R233 Is it true that Jennifer thinks she can only win the Oscar if she plays the key scene in author Angelou, I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings, life, so she will be using the new age regression CGI to be able to be eight year’s old when she was molested by her stepfather and became mute? And if this doesn’t work will make Brad’s production company remake The Diary of Anne Frank with her in the lead?

I'm the children's animated series spinoff: "Harriet Tubman, the Spy."

President Trump is happy that Julia is playing Harriet, but he wants to know who is playing Ozzie.....

I am the Spanish dubbing in r236. I want ALL the children to enjoy it!

R236 I’m Dora the Explorer whose cross over episode, required the Spanish dubbing of R238. In my episode I teach Harriet all about maps since unfortunately she’s illiterate, but she enjoys all the pretty pictures I make of streams, mountains and roads for her to follow, but she likes the train tracks most of all! Here I am riding on the Underground Railroad.

R239 Hilarious and this is much needed after reading the rage on that OTHER thread

I'm the Happy Meal prizes featuring action figures of Julia in her best slave outfits. Action figures of several other slaves plus the plantation owner and his mother are all available. I think they even have an Abraham Lincoln action figure too.

Collect 'em all!

For the sequence where Julia imagines making love to the plantation owner, they need to rework the soundtrack to include this song.

In honor of the great freedom lady Harriet Tubman, I will sign an executive order putting Julia Roberts picture on the twenty dollar bill.

R243 Didn’t Julia get $20 a blow job as Pretty Woman? So that sounds about right.

I’m the Julia as Harriet trading cards that include ones of all the other major slaves in the movie too. Unfortunately they can’t be traded, only auctioned off, which isn’t as much fun.

I’m Arnie Hammer who plays a slave owner until Harriet shows him the way one night when they make passionate love it is barely mentioned the different skin colors which would have caused an uproar back then and now every movie couple must be mixed race. Arnie is lynched when he frees his slaves because white people get lynched also.

R246 I’m the tree that the director pans to during the love making scene between Julia’s Harriet and slave owner Armie Hammer, because even in 2019 America isn’t quite up yet to see an interracial sex scene in a movie.

I'm Octavia Spencer as "Livvie", the only one in the movie who sees that Harriett is white

I'm the gay audience members who can't understand why she wants to leave.

I am the dream ballet that features Lucie Arnaz and Neil Diamond as Abraham & Mary Todd Lincoln.....choreography by Todrick Hall.....

I am also the unreturned call from Jussie Smollett about playing Loose Shoes, Harriett's half brother.

I'm Justin Trudeau. Where do I send my audition tape?

I'm Viola Davis, as Harriet's wise mentor

I'm the Special Collectors Edition Julia Roberts as Harriet Tubman Barbie by Mattel

"Drink your molasses, Harriet."

I’m Olympia Dukakis and Shirley McLaine as two old plantation widows, written to provide some much needed comic relief to the 2 and 1/2 hour film.

I’m Olympia Dukakis and Shirley McLaine as two old plantation widows

I'm Shirley's off camera nephew "Buford", with gray carpet and track lighting throughout his plantation.

I’m the film’s new running time after test audiences complain about the slow pacing.

(I am 1 hour, 38 minutes.)

R257 I'm the 15 minutes of action sequences Michael Bay was brought on to direct after test audiences complained about the slow pacing.

I include:

+slow motion shot of the flag being raised and flapping in the wind in front of daily life at an army base; army base later explodes, as does flag

+slow motion shot of Harriet running from exploding building as Linkin Park plays in the background

+Harriet putting on her sunglasses as she walks away from an exploding train

+slow motion shot of Harriet punching Megatron, the slave owner, who later explodes

+Megan Fox crawling on Harriet's Ferrari; Fox and the Ferrari explode

+Harriet shoots an asteroid, which explodes. In slow motion. *cue Aerosmith song*

I'm Olivia DeHavilland making a cameo appearance dressed in raggedy apron and do rag, uttering my singular line:

"Harriet! Come on back heah 'fo you ketch yo death o dampness!"

I'm Anne Frank, played by Keke Palmer, who comes back to warn Harriet about the Nazis

We are Rogers and Hammerstein and we are planning the musical version of "Harriet". We've contacted Jlo to play Harriet in the dream sequence we alway have in our musicals.

FREEDOM FOR CHRISTMAS!

Harriett Tubman (Julia Roberts) discovers the true meaning of Christmas when she leads a group of runaway slaves through a magic tunnel and emerges into Santa's Workshop.

At first when I heard that Harriet and a group of her runaways invent ice hockey during a winter time escape, I was incredulous. But they way it was presented in the movie was so heartwarming and true - who's to say it didn't happen?

I hope in the sequel she helps us put a man on the moon.

I'm Sandra Bullock and I'm planning to steal Julia's thunder by starring in "The Hattie McDaniel Story" for Universal.

It ain't fittin', Sandy, it jus' ain't fittin'!

Hurry up an' pick up yo pace! Da white menz gonna be catchin' us if we don' makes it outta deze woods!

I don’t know nothing bout birthin no babies!

I´m ALL the eyes on M&H Windsor at the royal-ish premiere....somewhere, and the break down of datalounge that follows

Thomas Jefferson gives his house girl (Millie Bobby Brown) a few pieces of silver to buy herself some fancy crinolines. When she tries to go to a couple of the highfalutin stores along the chitlin circuit, the negress shopgirls attempt to shame her on account of how light-skinned she is. She leaves dejected, but when she returns the next day with the commander-in-chief, Tommy J (portrayed by Christian Slater), they give those shopgirls the whats-for.

Congrats Julia on your 2 Oscar noms!

I'm the Taylor Swift song playing over the credits at the end: "Us Blacks Are, Like, So OVER Being Slaves, Y'all!"

I'm Cletus (Jason Bateman) warning Harriet about how dangerous her work is. "If massah sees you helpin' peoples excape, he gonna whip yo' hide!"

I prefer Britney's contribution to the soundtrack: "I'm NOT a Slave 4 U"

I'm the comeback of Dame Julie Andrews, singing, with perfect diction, this song while the black stunt-doubles are whipped:

No nobody knows, oh the trouble, the trouble I've seen

Lord, no nobody knows my sorrow

No nobody knows, you know the trouble

The trouble I've seen

I'm singing glory, glory, glory, Hallelujah!

I'm loving all of the whitest actors and actresses DL can think of in supporting roles as slaves.

Michelle Williams will play "Onyx" -- the slave who is shunned by the other slaves for being "too dark."

"Laaaaawd have mercy," cries Onyx to Harriet. "I jus' can't take no more of them high-yellow bullies!"

r276 which Michelle Williams?

Threads like this are why I love the DL.

R227 This is an A-List production.

I´m the production designer, who had to replace the cotton in the fields with aloe vera plants.

Miss Roberts has already outlined her ideas for appropiate t-shirt merch.

I am the collectors plates from the Franklin Mint. All feature our Julia as Harriet Tubman. Only $39 each and we will be worthless junk in a few yrs

r254 It's "Lassas" git yo dialog right!

I'm the Hallmark Movie Channel Christmas sequel, "Harriet's White Christmas," with Candice Cameron Buré as Harriet and David Alan Grier in a dual role as the evil slave owner and Santa Claus.

We're the cast of "Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812" and we heartily approve of the casting choices!

I'm Thomas the Tank Engine, and I'm pissed that my agent couldn't get me a cameo.

I hope this thread never dies

r285...wait for the sequel. Harriet Tubman and the Freedom Train coming to PBS

I'm Benedict Cumberbatch as Frederick Douglass.

I'm Morgan Freeman playing the plantation owner. He part of the evil, landed gentry who forced Harriet in slavery. He's the patriarch of this cruel family and comes to represent the personification of this oppressive system of slavery.

To amend r276's post.

"Michelle Williams will play "Onyx" -- the slave who is shunned by the other slaves for being "too dark."

When Harriet cries, "Onyx, how much more can my people take? And how can I help them when I am a but a poor colored woman? It's so hard. It's so hard."

Onyx replies, "Harriet. It's your Destiny, Child."

I´m Kristin Chenoweth playing the role of Morgan Freemans older sister,co-owner of the farm.

We're Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, emceeing the slave auction.

I'm the dramatic confrontation Harriet (Julia) has with Queenie (Taylor Swift): "Queenie, jus' cause you is hide yella and gets to work in da house don' mean you any less of a colored woman dan I is! You still a damn slave jus' like me an' all da others who works in da fields!"

I'm Mark Wahlberg and I play Poke - I work in big house and encourage Harriet to run like the wind.

I’m the slaves who have modern sensibilities. We also have perfect diction and grammar.

I'm Dean Cain. I play Big Sam, a field slave who helps Harriet escape.

Harriet breaks a heel while running across a field to escape and almost gets caught (lesson to learn -- don't run for freedom in five inch heels). However, Big Sam distracts Massa while Harriet collects herself and gets away.

No one's mentioned me yet, but I should have a small role at the end of the movie.

It's a surprising cameo by impeached President Trump.....R 296.....don't miss it!

They asked Hillary first, but she didn't want to be typecast.

I'm the casting directors brown paper bag.

I'm the 17 supporting cast members who compliment the lead on how "woke" she is.

I'm Olivia Newton-John singing an uptempo "Strange Fruit" in the scene when Harriet's brother (played by James Norton) is lynched by Antifa.

I'm Chrissy Tiegen, mugging for the camera at every award show in which Harriet Tubman is nominated.

I liked that fantasy scene where little Harriet imagined herself big as adult Julia Harriet and danced on the over sized harpsichord keyboard making music and mugging for the camera.

I'm Harriet's ash-blond extensions, cunningly catching the California sunshine as she stops to pick wildflowers in a lovely meadow while fleeing Simon Legree and his adorable bloodhounds.

I'm Barbara Bush, and I play the hoity-toity free slave Harriet meets once she arrives in New York state. I'm full of airs and extreme cunty remarks and back-handed "compliments" Harriet's response when I ask her to be my maid: "MM Mm mm - well smell her!"

I'm the Golden Globe Julia won for this role, which coincidentally happened after she bought a Rolex for every member of the Hollywood Foreign Press!

I'm the risque' scene where Harriet steals a bar of soap and bathes nude in a stream to the song "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton. Carefully edited, but a flash of Roberts' taint gets the film an R-rating.

[quote] I’m Meryl Streep. I’m playing every part in the movie that Julia doesn’t play. In an Oscar first, I’ll be nominated for Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress.

I’m Eddie Murphy. I did what you did first. They wouldn’t nominate me for any Oscar for any character in [italic]The Nutty Professor[/italic], so they gave me a nomination for [italic]Dreamgirls[/italic] that got undermined because they couldn’t wait to release [italic]Norbit[/italic] after the Oscars.

I'm the costumes. I'm designed by Giorgio Armani. Harriet may be a slave, but she's not a slob!

Can we get a role for Tyler Perry as Madea?

I'm auditioning for the role of Harriet, and I think a little glam never hurt anyone.

Bumping

I’m Julia as Harriet, leading a fugitive band to freedom while dressed in my handmade “A low Vera” t-shirt.

The trains ran secretly underground?

Mein Fuhrer.

This thread has me coughing up a lung in laughter.

Thanks, DL!

R315 you just stumble on this thread? It has to be one of the funniest of all time on DL.

When I reread some of them they are still hilarious. The “Lets Be” are always the best