Human Resources Fucks

That’s, like, KelSEE McVohhhhhcalFry to you, Mistuhhhhr.

I haven’t been in the corporate world for decades, but you speak the truth. There are the gay guys, the sorority girls and the tough old broads. You forgot the tough old broads.

The only ones who can compare are the special events people. Cut from the same cloth.

Sounds like somebody didn't get the job offer he wanted.

You only have to work in Corporate America for about five minutes to realize that Human Resources staff are totally fucking useless, backbiting tattletales and you should keep interaction with them to a bare minimum, and only when absolutely necessary.

Yes - and they are WAY overpaid. My friend is a contract recruiter at Facebook - makes $90 an hour. JESUS H

"Selling out to the man?"

Cool ! Are you like a beatnik, man ?

Apparently, HR people are hired based on the “keywords” they use in their resumes.

In other words, anyone idiot who loads his/her resume with phrases like “compensation and benefits”and “diversity and inclusion” can get hired.

Translation the OP told the interviewer "I does what I like"

r7 your post reminded me of an article I read that parodied resumes and cover letters that appealed to HR drones. It was a while ago and I can't remember where I read it, but it was funny. It basically took real cover letters and resumes and re-wrote them into nonsense corporate-speak so HR dullards would fawn over them.

Let's all circle back and take this offline

The best, R9, is when the HR people themselves admit to using software to automatically eliminate job candidates. When I asked our HR person why they did that, the response was “oh, we receive waaay too many resumes to read all of them.”

Really, bitch? What else does your department of 15 people DO all day, besides take multiple smoke breaks and forward inane emails about discounted movie tickets and amusement park passes? Maybe if one of you actually reviewed resumes, you’d stumble upon some QUALIFIED candidates you could send me to interview for the open position in my department.

If I may build on and add to and leverage the remarks of R10. But may I add I thought of it first...especially if it's a good idea.

Yes, R3, that's exactly what it sounds like. There's something else that DL posters should remember. HR generally has less authority than you're giving them credit for. The hiring manager decides the budget, the job requirements, the interview schedules and so on. I feel sorry for people in HR who have to deal with all the bullshit, petty complaints such as we see on here.

R11, if you're not smart enough to tailor your resume to the job description listed then don't blame HR. Why don't you go to work in recruiting and offer to read every word of 400 or 500 resumes (low estimate for some) that come in for each job listed. Then you'd be bitching about all the unqualified applicants who waste your time.

R13, if you’re not smart enough to know that unqualified candidates can game the system by throwing in a bunch of buzzwords words that mean nothing to anyone but you...well, then you might just be an HR person!

God help those who actually use their resumes to give us a snapshot of their actual experience and knowledge.

Lots of bitter losers on this thread.

Hey bitches, I have a job, you don't. Jealous much? Oh, I think so, yes I do.

Sorry, R14, not in HR. Yes, unqualified do game the system but those resumes are quickly put aside. You can use buzz words to get your resume selected but it's quickly apparent there's no depth to the resume. Continue to believe whatever you want but the reality may be that your resume is not that good.

Uh oh, there are some HR drones upset.

No one respects HR people, don't lie to yourself.

It's office work for people who aren't especially bright and don't have any real skills.

HR is like sitting at 8th grade lunch table. Bitchy women and 1 gay. The gay guy is everyone's purse and is fawned over. There will only be 1 gay - cause they don't like competition.

[quote] Sounds like somebody didn't get the job offer he wanted.

Bingo!

[quote] You only have to work in Corporate America for about five minutes to realize that Human Resources staff are totally fucking useless, backbiting tattletales and you should keep interaction with them to a bare minimum, and only when absolutely necessary.

Most people only ever have to even deal with an HR person twice: when they join a company and when annual open enrollment for benefits happens.

If you are seeing an HR person at any other time, chances are you're acting like an asshole, they have to watch you and YOU are the problem. No one has to be a "tattletale" if you didn't do dumb shit like surf porn on your computer, grab someone's ass, complain about the fraus, etc.

^^^^^or when you curse out a vendor!

We all hated our HR guy....layoffs were staggered at our struggling company...if you were summoned to the conference room for a group meeting, you knew you were getting let go.

I am sure our HR knob thought as a member of the executive team he was safe. Nope! Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy...

Would appreciate any feedback on my current HR issue, still ongoing; link to thread.

Thanks

I work as an Executive Assistant and I can tell you that HR bullies people like me. They know we're lower on the totem pole than they are and take full advantage of that. I have so many stories of HR being sheer assholes.

R20, my HR has apparently outsourced its own job of reviewing resumes to a software program. They refer me to the insurance company website or give me a 1-800 number when I have questions about my benefits (which is rarely). My company consists mostly of older professionals with specialized experience in their fields, so there are very few problem employees that need to be disciplined. Timesheets are now automated. The finance department handles payroll.

So what the hell does an HR department of 15 people actually DO all day that prevents them from performing one of the key functions its members were presumably hired to do—review resumes?

When R15 has nothing to say, R15 goes on the attack and starts the name calling. Like a good HR soldier.

Generally HR is not your friend....however when my boss decided I was to blame for a lost account (I wasn’t) he also decided to essentially harass me into quitting (example, noting I arrived at three minutes after 9, asking me what time work hours were....lots of petty crap...) I contacted HR to discuss this hostile environment and they did tell him to back off....

That is really the only time HR helped....and the only reason I went to HR was to buy time to apply for another job.....

r25 is right. All benefits and compensation are outsourced. Learning and development are usually outsourced. Many companies use outside agencies for selection and hiring. Most job descriptions are already written and just need to be tweeked now and then. The only reason for HR is keeping track of performance evaluations and reviewing with line managers succession planning and who are high performers and who are not. In my company, HR is out the door by 5:00 pm because they have nothing to do.

My question is why do CEOs keep them around? Here are these smart CEOs running companies and they can't see that HR does nothing?

HR people are involved in compensation and they always make sure they get nice raises… they end up being so overpaid...

HR hags are always walking the halls spying on people. They hog the conference rooms with their Mary Kate size coffee cups scattered about.

How were you not yet aware that HR is where theater majors go to die?

r31 OMG You are SO right.

HAHA - our white trash contracts people are always butting heads with HR. And YES contracts people are ALWAYS white trash. It's like watching a sitcom.

At the job I had prior to my current the HR person was really a massive cunt-- the only really horrible person I've encountered at work.

She hated me because she'd rejected my resume with one of those "nothing at the moment" emails but my uncle was good friends with the CEO and set up an interview and I wound up getting hired. (I know, white privilege but better than being Another Unemployed Millennial.) I guess she thought I was going to rat her out (or that either me or the CEO would care.)

But she'd always "accidentally" forget to include my name on emails about events for the junior associates and would literally snarl at me if she passed me in the hall and no one else was there. A couple of times I'd get these "urgent" messages to come to her office. I'd go, she'd inevitably keep me waiting, and then wind up asking me some random question that could have been asked and answered over email-- did I know some guy named John Smith who went to the same college as I did (but graduated six years before I got there) or what was the name of Paula Miller's old assistant, she might be able to help them locate some files.

Shit like that.

Left a year ago to work for one of my clients who was launching a startup and it's great and HR is some sweet cheerful 23 year old woman whose main job is to make sure I've filled out all the proper paperwork for my health insurance and to plan Friday afternoon beer bashes once a month.

Corporate life sucks and the descriptions on DL remind me of that daily.

It's a pretty big role; there are HR concentrations in business degree programs, and there are two international organizations that certify HR personnel. In addition to writing the training manual, they handle insurance and tax forms. Most importantly, they prevent lawsuits against the company by making sure everyone's had their sensitivity training and documenting the handling of complaints. At a previous company, HR hired a consultant to visit and provide sexual harassment training. He warned about being too friendly on the job, and when discussing friendships, he mentioned that "HR has no friends". They kind of have to be the "police".

I sometimes hear horror stories from HR colleagues about how often they have to deal with employees who download copious amounts of porn on their work devices. I don't understand why people think they can get away with that.

😭 ........ Not Fair ! Not Fair !

That's supposed to be MY Job !

[quote]“oh, we receive waaay too many resumes to read all of them.”

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this from HR people. I always want to reply with "Isn't reading resumes your JOB, DIPSHIT?" That's like one of the fundamental job requirements of HR, and the lazy fucks can't even be bothered to do that! It only takes a minute to scan a resume to quickly ascertain what's on it, then you can read further. JFC.

Like I said before, I only interact with HR when absolutely necessary.

HR people aren't exactly known for being the brightest in the bunch. But almost every HR person I've ever known seems to get big headed over the power they wield over employees who often have to kiss ass to them.

I've encountered some really repulsive ones. They act like they're choosing a new Pope.

I once sat across FIVE women interviewing me for a File Clerk job. I forget their positions, and of course I didn't get the job. But it was like the Salem witch trials.

Of course the one they hire is just the biggest ass-kisser sociopath of the group. The they leave 5 months later and you see the job posted yet again.

That’s funny, R35. My HR department delegated the job of writing the employee policy manual to all the other departments—including mine. In fact. HR’s only discernible role in that process was sending an email reminding the rest of us of when our manual submissions were due.

And our legal department—not HR—wrote the sections about documenting complaints, employee probationary periods, sexual harassment policy, etc.

The only thing our HR department seems interested in doing is planning parties that no one wants to attend. Even then, they form “cross-sectional” planning committees (employees from other departments) to do the grunt work in carrying out their visions.

The legal department usually does all the heavy lifting when it comes to the employee manual.

[quote]The legal department usually does all the heavy lifting when it comes to the employee manual.

And determining if the company has grounds to fire an employee.

In one job I had, someone made a sexual harrassment claim and the whole fucking department was called in one by one to tell what they knew. We were interviewed by both an HR person and a person from Legal, both of whom were royal cunts. I don't understand being nasty to someone that you want information from.

[quote]I once sat across FIVE women interviewing me for a File Clerk job. I forget their positions, and of course I didn't get the job. But it was like the Salem witch trials

This seems to be a thing now to have 5 or more people in on one interview. When I go job hunting again I am walking out on all panels with more than three people. Fuck it. Any more than three people at a time is not efficient and does not allow interviewers enough time to ask questions. I don't care if the interview is for the fucking POPE. Just schedule a second interview, HR cunts!

What r41 and r42 said, that poster is trying to ascribe roles done by legal to HR to make the position seem important.

Anything important they need people with real degrees and training to handle.

Somebody mentioned the interminable parties the HR fucks love to throw - the potlucks are the worst. I don't want to eat food any of my co-workers made, I have no idea how clean their kitchens are! I DO know that their kids are always sick!

Christ, you people have horrible horrible lives.

r47 = HR FUCK

Keep dreaming, R48.

[quote] I always want to reply with "Isn't reading resumes your JOB, DIPSHIT?" That's like one of the fundamental job requirements of HR.

I can tell a whole lot of people on this thread are either unemployed or haven't had to look for a new job in 20 years or more.

If you think HR "only has time to look at resumes" you would be laughed out of any company today. Reading resumes in the way you describe is not their job.

Companies do NOT use humans in any way, shape or form, and haven't for more than a decade. Maybe a small ten person company, but if you're talking about any company that's big enough to actually HAVE an HR department, then no.

Companies can easily get 1000+ submitted resumes for any open posting. Companies use ATS (Application Tracking Systems) and those all scan a resume and look for keywords. What keywords? The ones they posted in the ad. If your resume had enough keywords, you go to round two. 98 percent don't and are booted in round 1.

HR might take a look by the time round 3 rolls around, but by that time, they're looking at 4 or 5 resumes, not 40-500 and certainly not 400-500.

HR is the most mis-named group ever. They aren't human, and offer no resources.

[quote]Companies use ATS (Application Tracking Systems) and those all scan a resume and look for keywords.

That's only for low level jobs. When they get to the higher level jobs, they contact executive recruiting firms.

R52 in other words, yet another outsourced HR function.

True, R52, but that's not gonna pertain to most of the folks here.

r54 it would pertain to me. The Headhunters did most of the work, when I interviewed at the actual HR departments they were mostly a bunch of lightweight idiots. I cannot believe how some HR people can maintain employment.

[quote]The only thing our HR department seems interested in doing is planning parties that no one wants to attend.

LOL, that’s the senior HR woman at my company. She LOVES potlucks and will spend an entire day driving around to different stores buying plastic table clothes and other party supplies.

HR people seem to specialize in emails that use phrases like “please note” and “please be advised,” and they’re the queens of bold, underline, and italics. They also love comic sans font. Is there a college class that teaches cunty writing? Because they all seem to know how to write bitchy messages with the last sentence ending in an exclamation mark.

R56 lmao yes hunty!

It's (insert name of dumb cunt)'s birthday, we're wondering what you'll contribute....

(Insert name of dumb cunt) is having a baby, we're wondering what you'll contribute.....

(Insert name of dumb cunt) is going on maternity leave and Mr. (insert name of clueless dipshit boss who should've retired more than a decade ago) is asking everyone to pull their weight while (insert name of dumb cunt) is on leave.....

It's time for our office potluck and we're wondering what you'll contribute......

WASP World = Personnel Dept. Mostly male. Benign and helpful but mostly invisible.

Jewish World = HR. Mostly women, with failed males of all stripes. Malicious and useless, intrusive via survellience.

But if we push now against this, we can really end the Weinstein era.

We still live in a WASP world as long as the likes of R59 have not been swatted like the parasites they are.

R50I am currently unemployed, and while employment is low, the criteria for these jobs is astronomical! Each administrative job listing uses their own buzzwords. Each terminal support job used their own buzzwords. Do you know how exhausting it is to add their job description buzzwords into a new resume? I'd have to have 50 different resumes. Ridiculous. When HR engages you in conversation, so they just trolls looking for a problem where none exists. My motto when talking with upper management and HR, Less is More. Your perception of someone else, is just that, your perception. It can be done. Maligning someone is risking their job, their livelihood. Let job matrixes manage performance.

R25 Executives are happy to throw money at building up a HR function, if it means there is someone who occasionally has to have a difficult conversation with someone, or clean up a mess.

Yet the need to do this is limited. So in the interim, they work on wanky 'Organisational Development' and 'Engagement' projects that go know where and achieve nothing, but keep them looking busy.

The path to HR, for the younger to middle-aged HR 'professional' is this:

They know they want an office job and want to go to college / university, but not sure quite what to study, then end up doing a business / management / commerce degree.

In first year, they find out they aren't great with numbers and complex issues, so they don't end up majoring in accounting or economics, but they so LOVED that first year human resources subject, that they end up majoring in HR. Often, they find they love the first marketing guff too (especially that swell SWOT stuff!), and so they will major in HR and marketing.

They get their first job in HR and love the power and love how well they get paid for effectively doing admin and getting to decide who gets hired and who gets fired, oh the thrill!

They then forever stay in Human Remains, doing lots of ineffective projects as they climb up the corporate ladder, doing lots of initiatives that are so vague that no bottom-line benefits can be understood. And getting paid a mint, and still wielding some power. Though always complaining, 'why can't we get a seat at the table!?'

R63 you nailed it

My mom was a personnel director for a fairly small business. She only ended up in that job because they wanted to promote her somewhere. She hated it. It was often like being a baby sitter, she had to fire people, go to court for unemployment, etc. This was years ago and nothing like the corporate recruitment stuff but still dealing with all the HR shit of the business. I guess she fell into the tough old lady category but she wasn't tough enough that it didn't stress her out like crazy.

No HR Department of MINE would ever get away with not reading resumes!

[quote] No HR Department of MINE would ever get away with not reading resumes!

She's not kidding.

I have a good friend who works in advertising which sounds like one of the most horrible jobs ever these days.

It seems that people in ad agencies are forever getting fired as accounts get lost or cost-cutting needs to happen.

She said that the HR people in those places have gotten so used to constantly firing people, even old people who have been there for 20+ years in some low level job --kind of like that Clooney movie "Up In The Air"-- that they lose their souls.

She said the younger ones often drop out but the ones who remain are complete and total bitches, 100% sadistic, the sort of people who would be concentration camp guards and torture the prisoners.

I know a lot of DLers work in advertising-- is that your experience as well

[quote] Do you know how exhausting it is to add their job description buzzwords into a new resume? I'd have to have 50 different resumes.

Yes. That's what you actually have to do these days to land a job.

It is bullshit, and I hate it, but it's what it is. Things changed after the 2008 downtown and the advent of CareerBuilder, Indeed, etc. - it's all automated now.

Yes, tailoring your resume to each job you submit is annoying and time-consuming but necessary.

the job I just retired from I thankfully bypassed the HR clog fest or I might not have gotten the job. I excelled nonetheless but this all took place before HR's had wielded the power it does in today's job marketplace. I came of age when you networked for jobs and HR was a non entity.

HR is more than pot-lucks, parties and firing. It's been broken down into Recruiting, Compensation, Employee Relations, Training, Organizational Development, etc.

Those of you having trouble getting jobs are mad at RECRUITERS.

With guys like Weinstein, Spacey, and Battali, Employee Relations departments are busier than ever. Add to that, cities, counties, and states are now bombarding HR departments with paid sick leave laws. I am spending an inordinate amount of time notifying clients of these changes.

I spend a lot of time explaining to clients that "At-Will" doesn't mean what they think it means. My job is to keep them out of court and money in their accounts.

HR are basically there to provide an outlet for employees to complain to so that upper management doesn't have to deal with it, and to be a legal shield by making sure the paperwork is done, and to spy for the boss. Do not be friends with them. They may seem nice and act like they want to chat, but they are just making notes for what they'll tell your bosses later. They should be avoided at all costs but you have to pretend to be super nice to them so they don't fuck you over later.

Oh, and they know everyone's salary and are jealous as hell if you make more than them.

[quote] Do not be friends with them. They may seem nice and act like they want to chat, but they are just making notes for what they'll tell your bosses later.

Yeah that one of the basic truths of corporate culture. HR exists to protect the company, not to help you. They are not your friend.

The problem I am having at HR at the moment is that they forced this inept incompetent person on us, and they literally told us SHUT UP when we voiced our concerns. This person could no longer perform their previous position and needed a "desk job" yet this person is beyond computer illiterate, cannot remember anything, cannot read directions or emails in their entirety, doesn't know how to listen to voicemail, basically all the basic things you need to know if you want a desk job. we cannot terminate until a year is up and we have documented all the mistakes & training & retraining that have occurred. It's excruciating and a huge waste of our time.

Trying dealing w non profit HR hags. Omfg and you thought the reg staff were fucked up.

Try dealing with HR in a government job! The HR generalist for our division called herself "Petty Labelle" in one of our disciplinary meetings, warning us that she will outdo all of us when it comes following every single word in our contract to the letter.

The people that I like in HR NEVER STAY....but the cliquey snobby ones never go anywhere. It's like the nice ones figure it out and peace out.

[quote]R8 Translation the OP told the interviewer "I does what I like"

It is my new goal to use this in a job interview, some day.

Maybe if they say, "So, what special skills do you feel you bring to this position?"

R79 lol fucking hilarious

I'm stunned that this came up today. The HR diva at my job lied to my face yesterday.

R81 Im shocked HR would lie bwahaha

[quote] R80 lol fucking hilarious

(after a pause)

INTERVIEWER: Okay....and would you say you work best on a team, or 'flying solo'?

(pause)

ME: I does what I like.

I just applied to a large, well known company. I submitted my resume through their website to a job listed on their website and had to fill in several screens worth of questions.

Somebody from "Global Recruiting" sent me an email asking me to answer the following questions. Answering these means I have provided this information for the third time.

Please verify dates of current employment. (If still employed mark “start date- present”?) ON MY RESUME AND I FILLED THIS INFO OUT AS PART OF MY ONLINE PROFILE

What is your visa status. If you require a visa transfer please let us know how many years you have left… ANSWERED THIS ON THE WEBSITE

What are your salary expectations on a base? ANSWERED ON WEBSITE AND THAT WAS A MANDATORY ANSWER ON THEIR WEBSITE

Please verify your education. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

How many years’ experience do you have working as [position I'm applying for]? ON MY RESUME AND INPUT ON WEBSITE

Do you have experience with project management? ON MY RESUME AND ON INPUT ON WEBSITE PROFILE

[quote]She hated me because she'd rejected my resume with one of those "nothing at the moment" emails but my uncle was good friends with the CEO and set up an interview and I wound up getting hired. (I know, white privilege but better than being Another Unemployed Millennial.) I guess she thought I was going to rat her out (or that either me or the CEO would care.)

I'm confused as to what you think she thought you were going to rat her out for? For originally rejecting your resume because you weren't qualified but then had your uncle pull some strings to get you a job that she deemed you not qualified for?

People hate HR people because they don't have any understanding of what Human Resources do and that's because most people are under the wrong impression about what they do and what they are there for.

HR is NOT there to help or protect the employee. They are there to help and protect the Employer.

Have any of you seen a douche bag start up obnoxious millennial bullshit companies in San Francisco? Try going onto one of their recruiting sites. They ask questions like ..what’s your favorite breakfast cereal? whats your fav star wars character? Bunch of bs

r87, it's not just startups that are doing that now. Any company that wants to present a hipster culture is doing it. I recently had one that said "In the box below, tell us how you are unique and try to wow our socks off." Yes, they actually said "wow our socks off."

R88 yup ‘ we work’ Is the number one offender of this. I’ve never seen a more obnoxious place to work

R84 I would find out who that person's superior is and send it to them, saying that you were concerned it was not reaching them successfully, that you appreciate their diligence and wanted to ensure they had the information.

One of the most passive aggressive things that HR does is sign their emails.. ‘best’

R7 haha I applied with a company with the word Primate in their name. The ad demanded you answer with you’re favourite primate and why.

What R4 said.

The only time I bother with them is when I need to verify the number of vacation days I have coming.

A few years back I joined some co-workers to spend a day working at God's Love We Deliver. The organization was kind enough to order pizza for our lunch. We spent a half hour relaxing and eating before we went back to work. The two members of our group who work in HR went for a two and a half hour lunch at a restaurant, which they wrote off on their corporate expense accounts.

[quote] One of the most passive aggressive things that HR does is sign their emails.. ‘best’

That's what most of corporate America does. It's pretty standard email protocol.

Joy, is that you @R15?

Joy is the name of one of the most useless HR "specialists" in my company. She always has a fake smile plastered on her 50-trying-to-look-25 face, and fancies herself a confidante and mentor to yong new hires.

[quote]whats your fav star wars character?

What would happen if I said Bea Arthur?

R96 I would probably hire you because I’m an older gentleman at 45 and you and I would probably laugh like hell all day long and avoid our work

R72 But couldn't even the outsourced HR work be better off down by legal people, people that actually understand the law and legal consequences, people that are more risk orientated, then your average HR person?

HR is too important to be left to HR.

So so true.........

r96 will you marry me?

Rule: Human Resources and Employee Relations (Ha!) are there to protect the company; not you (us).

So many companies are now ditching the HR internal department, and using external people or their in-house legal team on an ad hoc basis to keep them out of hot water.

So many have ditched the wanky 'HR Business Partner' role too. Even they fluffster who invented the HR Business Partner model is moving away from it.

Ever noticed how much turnover there is in HR?

Why would anyone take their advice when they can't get their own house in order?

Anyone who wonders what the world would be like if it was run by females, take a gander at the ineptitude that is a HR office.

R104 well said! My HR generalist or business partner whatever the fuck they call themselves has changed like four times in two years

My former HR rep. had graduated from a fancy Ivy league with an Employment Law JD. He was serving his time in Purgatory for such at my former lowly-ass company. When I'd shared this fact with my former manager (same company), she'd actually blanched; her son had just graduated from a fancy Ivy League college with a JD in the same field.

I smiled to myself at her reaction. She's a bitch.

HR Business Disaster

The HR role is great for nosy people. They know what all the staff interpersonal fights are about. They know why so-and-so got fired, and sometimes they even know why an employee got fired from a previous job. They know employees' crime history from reviewing the documentation from the background check. They know how much everyone gets paid. And some of them even get info from claims processed by the company's insurance provider.

r84 I hate that shit. It's big company crap, different systems, and people too lazy to cut and paste information from one system to another, and/or because the forms/fields are slightly different and no one wants to summarize or do extra work if they can make you do it.

Accounting does this too. Recently a big company I consult for implemented a new payment system. I submitted my invoices - twice, because the person didn't put them in the system in time and needed me to extend the due date so it didn't require a higher-level manager to review - and then got an email from some Indian support guy telling me I had to fill out a vendor profile because they switched systems, and it would require all this tax information and scanned documentation etc. - which I had already given them several years before when I started working with them, under their old payroll system.

Asked him to just copy the information from their old system to the new one, as I didn't have time to spend two hours getting all the data they required. No, you have to do this or you won't be paid, and hurry because this invoice is already almost overdue and if it's not submitted in time it needs an extra layer of approval!

Turns out the new vendor payment system wasn't even fully implemented, and hadn't been rolled out in the company yet, just in a few areas. I ended up not having to do any of the work, but it pissed me off that they'd even attempt to hold my payment hostage like that.

R109 omg this is why corp america will always be SO fucked up

R109 That's every company I ever worked for.

Thing is, sales now drives everything and sales talks shit that the rest of the team has to fulfill.

I left my last corporate job after only 7 months because they had 50 grown ups screaming at each other in every meeting and a simple series of tasks required a thirty page document and 18 weeks of meetings. It was insane.

So, what's the takeaway from this?

(My roommate and I like to laugh at stupid corporatespeake...)

"Before we move forward, let's circle back and see if everybody is on the same page. Who would like to reach out first?"

"We can begin with the low hanging fruit..."

I just looked at a job description that said, "We believe that teamwork makes the dream work." Would you really want to work at a company that puts that tired cliche in their job description?

How bout corporate black speak? Partially due to the fact that the Incident at hand is such said people in the after school program for da kids are stealing monties

This thread shows that no matter how unique or different companies try to make themselves appear, they’re really all the same.

we need a better culture. HR fuckwads are only the symptom. Corporate America is the disease.

Two of our HR gals are fighting each other. The newest one is in a more senior position than the one who supports her with some admin functions. Well she just announced that she is no longer doing X process for the other woman. The problem is that X process affects everyone in the building, the newer woman knows nothing about it, and now people apparently can’t complete X process because these two hate each other. I dropped off a form to the one (using the existing procedure) and she walked it across the building back to my office with a note that said “l’m no longer the point person on this” rather than putting it in her coworker’s inbox next door. Petty.

r119 I've also seen my share of petty bullshit in the workplace, and I'm always amazed at how some people can get away with it. I know if I ever acted like that, I would probably be shitcanned right away. Not even given a warning first. Do you ever wonder how some people can continue to remain employed no matter what they do?

Little Missy in R119 will be gone before the quarter's over!

I wouldn’t be sorry to see either of them go

HR folks are bad.

But I think the worst people I've encountered in general have been publicists. Just as phony as they can be. Just fucking lowlifes.

I believe all publicists have personality disorders.

What is the connection between PR and HR types?

Can't put my finger on it?

Anyone noticed the feminisation of the workplace, such as the push for the relevance of 'personality inventories', like Myers-Briggs, which tend to favour traditionally 'female' traits?

And most of those are based on male-imposed cultural stereotypes, R126, the type that created the most horrific creature known to humankind: the Basic Bitch.

Our HR department recently sent out an "anonymous" survey to each employee asking them about their jobs. Not a single one of us believed that survey was "anonymous" so everyone just bullshitted their way through it. A few people put down some real concerns but those people are expecting to be fired shortly.

And yes, my dealings with HR people are usually the "tough old broads." Although now we are seeing more and more of the Cunty gay guys or young, stupid girl types.

Aw yes. The old “anonymous “ survey. They truly are terrible.

A friend of mine just got passed over for the dreaded INTERNAL CANDIDATE of our nightmares. The HR cuntbags offered her the position and even told her a start date. Then this week she calls to ask a question and the cunts tell her she doesn't have the job anymore because they pulled the internal candidate out of their ass at the last minute. These people need to be executed by firing squad!!

Our HR manager sent the new HR VP's entire offer package, stock, salary, etc. to the company wide distribution list instead of whoever she meant to send it to.

HR manager tried to recall the email but even when recalling an email succeeds, it just puts it in the person's deleted deleted items. If you never knew an email was sent, you'd never know to look but when everyone on the floor is talking about it, you go find and recover the email. That six figure offer with stock, etc. went over supremely well in an office where the majority earn less than $15 an hour.

That’s awful, R131. Had your friend given notice at his current job?

I work for a finance company and we need to verify employment before approving a loan. 90% of HR managers are lazy, rude and incompetent. The other 10% are just lazy and rude.

I knew an HR person who actually enjoyed firing people. She played all kinds of games. Even hired her own husband.

I knew one who hired her sister and brother-in-law. They all had different last names, but she showed them all sorts of obvious favoritism. I pointed out to my boss that it looked like they were related somehow, there was an investigation that uncovered it, and they were all shown the door.

Recruiters are the absolute worst. Laziest sons of bitches in the world. They are ageist, discriminatory and overall pointless. They’re too lazy to look at resumes so they put them through an applicant tracking system that cuts out pretty much everybody. Don’t even get me started on those fucks that work at the agencies

There was a very nice HR person I dealt with at work. She reminded me of Joyce Boulifant. She’s since retired.

R137 Alot of recruiters are like that sadly. I'm an inhouse recruiter, so I've seen it.

I go through all resumes, I look beyond the bad font (I know recruiters who would not progress resumes that use Times New Roman), and I challenge my hiring managers when it looks like they are being discriminatory or hold certain assumptions. I view myself as being pretty fair. I challenge a hiring manager with their requirements (does this job really need a degree?). I get them to pick up a phone and screen candidates rather than just assuming certain things - and they've thanked me for challenging their assumptions and we often find a diamond in the rough.

I'm not perfect, I judge people, but I like to think I assist in making the process as fair as is possible, and rational, so that they hiring manager can make an informed decision. I don't hold the power, I'm effectively an administrator, I know my place.

It's not rocket science, we get it wrong. I hate the HR people that love the power.

On behalf of those of us who have been subject to HR assholes, I say THANK YOU for being competent!

r139 you sound like a true gem. I wish everybody in HR/Recruiting could be as fair and rational as you are.

I truly hope that hatred of HR is the key to bring about the end of corporate culture. it really is a sick and stupid thing, and should be ended.

Get you a poor man's version of Wanda Sykes with no sense of humor & adrenal fatigue as your HR "rep" then you can talk about power hungry.

It must be hard to find schools that have the vocal fry communication major, OP!

.......

My company was taken over by a rival - 2 months notice was the timeframe for it to take legal effect.

We knew that 'restructuring' (lay offs) would result so every employee was given an 'excellent' employee review, the week before the takeover.

Two weeks after the takeover, I was called into HR who told me I was dismissed due to a madeup customer complaint that allegedly occurred before the review.

I said it was unfair dismissal based on my boss's homophobia, and the next day threatened to sue the company for libel for trying to make up lies about me.

I got a nice fat payoff.

The sad part is nothing has changed in years. We're still robots and sit in cubes. HR doesn't give a shit about anyone. We make a paycheck to afford suburban mess of apartment in the middle of Olive Garden.

Sometimes the HR cunts get theirs... One ugly old bitch I knew ended up being thrown under the bus and fired by higher ups.

Recruiters are the worst of the lot... usually vapid twinks (the kind some women like to use as their court jester and personal therapist) or phony airheads

.........

Bump

HR is neither

Obviously you didn’t get what you were hoping for………

Most HR drones make nothing. Pity them

When I worked at a non-profit…the person in HR got her ass kissed. HR has the ability to paint you any way they choose. If she took a disliking to you…. it was going to travel up the chain and eventually make your life a living hell. Everyone in that place danced to her tune….plus she smiled just a little too much…..like a fuckin crocodile …..It sucked big time.

I taught for 20 years at as small Catholic University. One of the HR employees and I began at exactly the same time, even going through new employee training together. I retired 20 years at tenured professor rank, and she had risen through the ranks to become Associate Director for Inclusivity and Diversity. She made exactly TWICE what I was making, with her MA in Personnel Management, earned at the University. It was then that I realized our society prized bullshit over substance.