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Happy New Year from me, Bea Benederet

Not my usual high-profile party this year. Just me, Kaye Ballard, Mary Wickes, Shirley Booth and a select few others, sitting around shootin' the shit with half a dozen cases of Schlitz and a gross of deviled eggs.

Marjorie Main is at the piano (not singing, thank god) and Agnes Moorehead has been telling scathing stories about Loretta Young. Fun night.

Kathleen Freeman says to say Happy New Year to all the eldergays...

by Anonymousreply 445Last Sunday at 10:41 AM

Has Miss Barbara Stanwyck arrived?

by Anonymousreply 112/31/2012

Stanwyck arrived at 5:30, and within 10 minutes had locked herself in the master bath with the coral pink princess phone. She won't come out or say who she's talking to.

Oh, shit -- my prescriptions are in there.

by Anonymousreply 212/31/2012

Let us know when Hope Emerson shows up.

by Anonymousreply 312/31/2012

That's very insensitive of you, R3 -- you well know that poor Hope died three years ago. Of course, she may still make an appearance when Thelma Ritter gets out the ouija board, later.

by Anonymousreply 412/31/2012

Did Hepburn make the deviled eggs?

by Anonymousreply 512/31/2012

And of course, as usual, Judy didn't show. That really pissed me off because she was supposed to bring the picked sausages. And then when Lucille found out Judy wasn't coming, all of the sudden she had a "wig tape emergency" and couldn't make it. But what Lucille didn't know was that Irma Kusely was sitting right next to me when she called to cancel, so I know for a fact that she made up that story.

by Anonymousreply 612/31/2012

Can someone please explain just one tiny thing this 24-year-old gay guy: Who the fuck are these people? TIA.

by Anonymousreply 712/31/2012

Hepburn DID make the deviled eggs (they were 30% celery, but the way -- cheap bitch). but of course La Katherine wouldn't deign to actually attend the party, so she sent the platter over with George Cukor. Uhg.

by Anonymousreply 812/31/2012

Is that Uncle Joe? He's a movin' kinda slow!

by Anonymousreply 912/31/2012

A drunk Zasu Pitts made a pass at a server...

by Anonymousreply 1012/31/2012

Spring Byington and Beulah Bondi getting blotto in the corner.

by Anonymousreply 1112/31/2012

Elvia Allman is in the kitchen, washing up plates and emptying ashtrays. She gets so shy at these things.

by Anonymousreply 1212/31/2012

Thanks to this thread, I think we may need to come up with a term for those posters who are too old to be classified as "eldergay." What do you bitches think of "homofossil"?

by Anonymousreply 1312/31/2012

What say we drive out to Helen Hayes' place and moon her in her own back yard? We'll throw pebbles at her bedroom window first. Alice Pearce says she knows which one it is.

by Anonymousreply 1412/31/2012

If I get too drunk, Rose Marie offered to drive me home.

by Anonymousreply 1512/31/2012

At the stroke of midnight, Fran Ryan flashed her cooch on top of the baby grand while singing "Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive".

by Anonymousreply 1612/31/2012

Isadora left early with some young stud. I tried to tell her that scarf clashed with her outfit...

by Anonymousreply 1712/31/2012

Shirley Booth ran out the door the minute the deviled eggs were finished, farting with every step.

by Anonymousreply 1812/31/2012

Bea, you DID invite Elsa Maxwell, didn't you?

by Anonymousreply 1912/31/2012

Kaye Ballard and Rose Marie? Last I heard, they were still here.

by Anonymousreply 2001/01/2013

While his wife went to the bathroom Adolphe Menjou was flirting with Anne Shirley...

by Anonymousreply 2101/01/2013

Coral Browne brought the most delightful hors d'oeuvres. Lord, that Vincent can cook!

by Anonymousreply 2201/01/2013

OP, are you telling us something about Shirley Booth most of us don't know?

by Anonymousreply 2301/01/2013

Is Joan Blondell still there? Still passed out?

by Anonymousreply 2401/01/2013

Oh, look! Nancy Kulp arrived in her bird-watching outfit with Katleen Freeman in tow.

Kathleen always looks so fetching with her hair wrapped up in concentric braids.

by Anonymousreply 2501/01/2013

Norma Varden, here.

Has anyone seen my tiara?

by Anonymousreply 2601/01/2013

Damn it, Bea! Charlotte Greenwood just kicked me in the head! Again!

by Anonymousreply 2701/01/2013

Now, wait a minute....is that Doris Singleton or Doris Packer?

by Anonymousreply 2801/01/2013

That drunk, slovenly Barbara Pepper was chatting with me, then belched so violently chunks of that awful Jell-o Aspic flew all over my new dress. I knew I shouldn't have come!

by Anonymousreply 2901/01/2013

By midnight Charlotte Greenwood was doing that stupid dance of hers and kicked Agnes Moorehead's Golden Globe off the mantel.

by Anonymousreply 3001/01/2013

I think it was totally unfair to make Hattie McDaniel and Butterfly McQueen to stay in the kitchen washing dishes.

by Anonymousreply 3101/01/2013

Elder gay shit.

by Anonymousreply 3201/01/2013

Old ladies + Schlitz + deviled eggs = a whole ness of methane. No open flames, ladies!

by Anonymousreply 3301/01/2013

yes, R32, it is. And far funnier than anything you babygays have posted lately.

by Anonymousreply 3401/01/2013

Alice Ghostly, Pauly Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly just showed up. Damn I know I am stoned, but it is confusing to identify which one them is talking.

by Anonymousreply 3501/01/2013

I'm not one of these guys who yells eldergay at everythread, but come on. I had to Google everyone in OP's post.

by Anonymousreply 3601/01/2013

Then you're an idiot, R36.

by Anonymousreply 3701/01/2013

My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail.

by Anonymousreply 3801/01/2013

No, you're the idiot R36. Cultural literacy is knowing the great painters, the great musicians, the great architects. Everyone you've mentioned is some supporting character in some 1950s sitcom. Learn the difference.

by Anonymousreply 3901/01/2013

Fuck you, R39. I have a Best Actress Oscar, Tony and Emmy. I WAS NEVER SUPPORTING.

by Anonymousreply 4001/01/2013

Whoa, Reta, go easy on the rumaki! Take some and leave some!

by Anonymousreply 4101/01/2013

Would someone please get Tyrone Power off the coffee table? And get the maid in here with some Lysol!

by Anonymousreply 4201/01/2013

R40 Unfortunately, neither was your bra, dear.

by Anonymousreply 4301/01/2013

Franklin, dear, Maria Ouspenskaya's bathtub vodka doubles marvelously as a disinfectant. I should know -- I just used some to clean up the trail of sick Patsy Kelly left on the patio.

by Anonymousreply 4401/01/2013

R2, I think she was talking to Shirley Eder...

Where's Thelma Ritter?

by Anonymousreply 4501/01/2013

Was that Hattie sneaking up the back kitchen stairs, who was that woman with her.

by Anonymousreply 4601/01/2013

Bumming a Salem from Iris Adrian in the kitchen.

Marian Martin just put a call out for some Chop Suey.

by Anonymousreply 4701/01/2013

Can you believe it?

46 posts and nobody has even noticed I'm here!

by Anonymousreply 4801/01/2013

Viv! How's tricks? Cop a squat and have a mai tai!

by Anonymousreply 4901/01/2013

Will someone tell Glenda Farrell to stop leaving her goddamn chewed up Wrigley's on the coffee table?

by Anonymousreply 5001/01/2013

R48 Hey, Viv! Join us over here! We're having a "Lucy's Sidekicks Club" meeting.

by Anonymousreply 5101/01/2013

Louise Beavers need to quit with the Bogartin', yo. Puff-puff-give!

by Anonymousreply 5201/01/2013

Such folderall!

by Anonymousreply 5301/01/2013

Does anyone under the age of 95 know who these people are? Is there a gay board I can go to that discusses entertainment relevant to those of us under 25?

by Anonymousreply 5401/01/2013

Try anyone under 40 r54.

by Anonymousreply 5501/01/2013

R54, don't you have some new Grindr pics to post?

by Anonymousreply 5601/01/2013

OK, r55, maybe this is the time for gaylings like me and borderline eldergays like you to form an alliance to keep out the rocking chair and denture set.

by Anonymousreply 5701/01/2013

I love going to parties. Nobody knows me...until I open my mouth!!!

by Anonymousreply 5801/01/2013

And why should they be kept out, R54/R57? I'm sure that more of them pay their annual membership fees here than your ilk does.

by Anonymousreply 5901/01/2013

R54, is this the only thread that appears when you visit DL?

by Anonymousreply 6001/01/2013

According to trolldar, R54/R57 is the creator of this awful thread, a pathetic EST about a drunk nephew:

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 6101/01/2013

R51 Sorry we were late. We had to rescue Lucy from another disaster.

by Anonymousreply 6201/01/2013

R61, R54/R57 is to busy trying to get his nephew's armpit sweat out of his upholstery. And yet he still wants us to believe he is "under 25".

by Anonymousreply 6301/01/2013

Bea, darling, if Maria O. is swilling the vodka and bummin' ciggies, I hope you have plenty of fire extinguishers on hand. Girl gets REALLY careless!

by Anonymousreply 6401/01/2013

Maxene Andrews just pedaled up. Why does she need that cane for - I saw her cutting wood last week. Ohhhhh - she's pissed Nancy Kulp didn't take that ride in her rumble seat, like she offered.

And Ethel Merman called and wants to know why the fuck she keeps getting invited to these parties. She said if she wanted to eat tuna she'd open a can.

by Anonymousreply 6501/01/2013

Good heavens, ladies! Crack a window! This joint stinks to the high heavens!

by Anonymousreply 6601/01/2013

And just WHOSE bright idea was it to invite Flo Foster Jenkins? Sounds like cats fuckin'!

by Anonymousreply 6701/01/2013

I'll just sit here in the corner nursing my Brandy Alexander. Has anyone seen Lynette Winter or Marge Redmond?

by Anonymousreply 6801/01/2013

Thank goodness Ann B. Davis is (still) around to clean up after everyone.

by Anonymousreply 6901/01/2013

[quote] Thank goodness Ann B. Davis is (still) around to clean up after everyone.

She won't leave the convent!

by Anonymousreply 7001/01/2013

Would anyone like any of this delicious bread pudding I brought?

by Anonymousreply 7101/01/2013

Who wants to tell Jinx Falkenburg there's no alcohol in Downey fabric softener?

by Anonymousreply 7201/01/2013

I see Cindy Lou Fucking Who showed up.

by Anonymousreply 7301/01/2013

Mary Wickes and Marjorie Main have been in the bathroom together for a very long time. Maybe I should go check on them?

by Anonymousreply 7401/01/2013

Gaaaary....Gaaaary! Get off your dead ass and go out to the car and get me another pack of Chesterfields. And hurry the fuck up, I haven't had one in almost 10 minutes! Useless bum.

by Anonymousreply 7501/01/2013

Can I get you girls anything?

by Anonymousreply 7601/01/2013

Frances Farmer is leaving and will drop anyone off who's brave enough to ride with her.

by Anonymousreply 7701/01/2013

[quote] Frances Farmer is leaving and will drop anyone off who's brave enough to ride with her.

Is she driving the Edsel again?

by Anonymousreply 7801/01/2013

It's DAME Judith Anderson, if you don't mind. And, YES, it is denim. Now, kiss me. And, yes, DAME Flora Robson shall watch.

by Anonymousreply 7901/01/2013

Mary and I are leaving now, but I hope Charlie's not driving again.

by Anonymousreply 8001/01/2013

There are only a few of these people I haven't heard of, but I was there when fire was created...

by Anonymousreply 8101/01/2013

Well, Bea, we're the people! And tell Connie Gilchrist to stop shouting "BINGO!"

by Anonymousreply 8201/01/2013

Saints preserve us!

by Anonymousreply 8301/01/2013

Oh shit. Is Judy Anderson going on with that Dame crap again?

by Anonymousreply 8401/01/2013

This is the most DELIGHTFUL party I've been to since my dear Flo shed the earthly coil!

by Anonymousreply 8501/01/2013

Nuts?

by Anonymousreply 8601/01/2013

Shall I sing another aria, dears? How about the Queen of the Night's aria from The Magic Flute?

by Anonymousreply 8701/01/2013

Gather "round the piano everybody. Bea benaderet, Bea Arthur and Bea Lillie are going to sing. Ira Gershwin is going to play for them. Marvin Hamlish wanted to, but hey, it's Gershwin. Oh come on Marvin, stop sulking.

by Anonymousreply 8801/01/2013

I love a good party.

by Anonymousreply 8901/01/2013

Does anyone else find all these references to eldergays tiresome?

by Anonymousreply 9001/01/2013

I caught Frances Bavier tootin' up a storm over at the punchbowl a little while ago and let me tell you, it smelled like something had crawled up inside of her and died. I offered her the last of my Di-gel tablets I had in my purse but I guess that upset her and she told me where to go then stormed off fighting tears.

by Anonymousreply 9101/01/2013

Darlings! Thank goodness I found you. Was just at this tiresome shindig at Ida Lupino's place. Just horrible mood, but how could it not be? First of all--it's at IDA LUPINO's. A dreadful place if ever there was one. Secondly, she had to tell her story. You know--THAT one. The one about how she was raped as a child. In her driveway. She got all pissy with me when I said, "Ida, how horrible for you. That must have been quite painful. All that gravel. . ."

by Anonymousreply 9201/01/2013

I'd love a cocktail, thank you dear! I've just come from the most AWFUL party! They were serving daiquiris made with HONEY!

by Anonymousreply 9301/01/2013

Oh, good Lord. Maudie Prickett and Irene Tedrow are scissoring in the guest bedroom.

by Anonymousreply 9401/01/2013

Who is that woman fisting Spring Byington's cooze?

by Anonymousreply 9501/01/2013

Is that dear, dear Louella up on a stepladder, peering over the hedge into our garden?

by Anonymousreply 9601/01/2013

Peeing, not peering ROSE!

by Anonymousreply 9701/01/2013

Sorry I'm late, dears. Cary and Randy wanted to show me their new beach house...

by Anonymousreply 9801/01/2013

OK I'll play along. Sharon Lawrence and Sherry Stringfield are in the kitchen hurling candy corn into Megan Mullaley's cleavage. Will they suffice? I'm to young to have watched these actresses in their shows during the first run, so I only know them from the reruns.

by Anonymousreply 9901/01/2013

Ran into Peg Entwhistle in front of Musso & Frank. Said she try and stop by after she dropped something off near the Hollywood sign.

by Anonymousreply 10001/01/2013

Catering was provided by Mary Grace Canfield Catering and Drywall Services.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 10101/01/2013

There's one man here. Katherine Hepburn

by Anonymousreply 10201/01/2013

R99, the adults are here, you can go down to your home in the basement.

by Anonymousreply 10301/01/2013

Eve Arden better put a cork in it! She's not as wry as she thinks! Or is that stinks?

by Anonymousreply 10401/01/2013

Think again, r102!

by Anonymousreply 10501/01/2013

Fatty asked me for a ride home I said NO thank you very much...

by Anonymousreply 10601/01/2013

Marjorie Bennett and Minerva Urecal are doing Jello shots on the patio? Do they have a designated driver?

by Anonymousreply 10701/01/2013

Betty Lynn, Hope Summers, Elinor Donahue anI just got back from Andy Griffith's memorial service.

by Anonymousreply 10801/01/2013

[106]-Fatty Arbuckle did in Virginia Rappe, not the Black Dahlia. I know that and I'm a Frau from Oklahoma City.

by Anonymousreply 10901/01/2013

Who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?

by Anonymousreply 11001/01/2013

Elsa Lancaster here, does anyone care?

by Anonymousreply 11101/01/2013

I'm up for a showtune or two!

by Anonymousreply 11201/01/2013

Will someone please rub my sore tootsies?

by Anonymousreply 11301/01/2013

I thought we agreed beforehand no one would ask Margaret Truman to sing!

by Anonymousreply 11401/01/2013

Edna May Oliver is telling that "I banged Clark Gable" story again. I'll bet he sat on her face just so he wouldn't have to look at it.

by Anonymousreply 11501/01/2013

Has anyone seen my date Cosmo McMoon? Last I saw he was headed into the garden with Jules Munshin.

by Anonymousreply 11601/01/2013

Is Hattie McDaniel coming?

Yes, I know she is here. I asked if she is coming. It was that or an earthquake.

And why are all these non-Sapphic interlopers standing around? You'd thing they never saw plush carpets matched with short drapes before.

by Anonymousreply 11701/01/2013

You know, I blame this all on my high school World History teacher, Mr. W. I left his class the only 13 year old boy who knew who Mary Miles Minter was. What kind of a chance for a decent life did I have after that!

by Anonymousreply 11801/01/2013

Hey! Judy Canova says they're out of cigs out under the carport!

by Anonymousreply 11901/01/2013

Wouldn't Ethel Merman fit in at such a bash? Busy? Not invited?

by Anonymousreply 12001/01/2013

Claire Trevor wants to know if Lizabeth Scott made it before midnight....

by Anonymousreply 12101/01/2013

The Merm spoke at R65. She simply does not get our tastes, and the only sure way to shut her up is to call her "mannish."

by Anonymousreply 12201/01/2013

I am ready for my strip tease. No, I don't belong here as a guest, but I accepted the gig as my first paid job in 74 years.

But if you want to see the skin come off, too, you have to pay extra.

by Anonymousreply 12301/01/2013

Mercedes De Acosta just took the dump of the century in the second floor powder. Apparently when she eats pussy she really eats pussy.

by Anonymousreply 12401/01/2013

Wut about Mary Martin? She seemed so ... lipstick to me. Or is that another get-together?

by Anonymousreply 12501/01/2013

HOW OLD ARE YOU PEOPLE?

by Anonymousreply 12601/01/2013

Mary was accounted for at r80.

by Anonymousreply 12701/01/2013

I ain't missin' out on NO free booze!

by Anonymousreply 12801/01/2013

But Charlie Farrell wasn't driving, r80. They were in a taxi cab.

by Anonymousreply 12901/01/2013

Damn you people are fucking lame.

by Anonymousreply 13001/01/2013

And R129 Janet was married to the divine designer Adrian.

I, BTW, was married to the divine designer Jean Louis, but I wouldn't be caught dead at this party....

by Anonymousreply 13101/01/2013

Meh. This might turn me off the datalounge permanently and I'm no spring chicken myself.

by Anonymousreply 13201/01/2013

Don't go in the pool house. Mary Treen and Margaret Hamilton are having a three-way with the new cabana boy.

by Anonymousreply 13301/01/2013

When is that stinkfish Lana Turner getting here? We have heard that Tyrone Power has sizemeat and must ask her for verificatia.

by Anonymousreply 13401/01/2013

OK, ladies--who's up for one of my famous Tuna Tacos?

by Anonymousreply 13501/01/2013

It looks like Minna Gombell and Ruth Hussey carpooled again this year. But Nedra Volz and Judith Lowry had to take the shortbus from the "home." Did Arlene Francis make it?

by Anonymousreply 13601/01/2013

Arlene shared a cab with Dorothy Kilgallen.

Has anyone seen Elizabeth Allan?

by Anonymousreply 13701/01/2013

R135 Bitch, you stole my recipe!

by Anonymousreply 13801/01/2013

Did anyone remember to invite Peggy Wood and Cuntface?

by Anonymousreply 13901/01/2013

[quote]if Maria O. is swilling the vodka and bummin' ciggies, I hope you have plenty of fire extinguishers on hand. Girl gets REALLY careless!

For God's sake, keep her away from me!

by Anonymousreply 14001/01/2013

[quote]We have heard that Tyrone Power has sizemeat and must ask her for verificatia.

Lana wouldn't know. Check with Errol Flynn - he can confirm it for you.

by Anonymousreply 14101/01/2013

I can't believe Linda, Lori, Merideth, Jeannine, Pat AND Gunilla showed up. Bea was all class and didn't say a word about that biTch June not showing up...

by Anonymousreply 14201/01/2013

FYI ladies, Kate Smith was just in the bathroom for 20 minutes. You DON'T want to go in there for a while, if you know what I mean.

by Anonymousreply 14301/01/2013

Frances Farmer just ate a sofa cushion. And I'm the cunt to broadcast it.

by Anonymousreply 14401/01/2013

[quote]And I'm the cunt to broadcast it.

You won't get an argument from me on that point, dear.

by Anonymousreply 14501/01/2013

and thread closed....

by Anonymousreply 14601/01/2013

Well, ain't this a kick in the cunt! All the ladies have a party and don't invite me!

Good thing I don't think anything about crashing a good party.

by Anonymousreply 14701/02/2013

The slight was deliberate, Connie.

by Anonymousreply 14801/02/2013

Jack Carson and Robert Wagner were in the bathroom together for a long time. Hmmm...

by Anonymousreply 14901/02/2013

I saw Natalie Wood show up but the moment she saw Kirk Douglas, she fled the party. I wonder why???

by Anonymousreply 15001/02/2013

Rosemary DeCamp is sitting in the corner, dozing. She had enough of Shirley Mitchell doing the cha cha.

by Anonymousreply 15101/02/2013

Crawford! Either shit or get off the pot..you can't still be in there cleaning the damn floor with Dutch cleanser!1

by Anonymousreply 15201/02/2013

SUP BETCHEZZZZZ!!!

by Anonymousreply 15301/02/2013

Is someone strangling cats? Oh, it's just Jean Carson and Iris Adrian trying to sing "Auld Lang Syne."

But do I hear someone sucking on helium balloons? Oops! Sorry, it's just Mae Questel.

Oh, and Margaret D.? Please don't EVER wear Spanx again.

by Anonymousreply 15401/02/2013

Jane Withers kept staring at my stumpy little arm. I demand a girl look me in the eyes when I'm fisting her with it! Otherwise, where's the magic?

by Anonymousreply 15501/02/2013

Mickey Rooney tried to crash the party in drag, but Bea noticed that unlike the invited guests here there was no stubble on that chin.

I heard from Lana that he can't get it up unless he uses a gas station rest room first. I don't understand that. Do you?

by Anonymousreply 15601/02/2013

This party is LADIES ONLY. Well, except for Grady Sutton, Edward Everett Horton, and Franklin Pangborn.

by Anonymousreply 15701/02/2013

Oh, dear dear dear dear dear dear dear!

by Anonymousreply 15801/02/2013

I just don't understand why so many men are going in pairs to the bathroom for the longest time. Clifton Webb and Monty Clift have been in there for almost a hour! I have to tinkle! Oh,dear!

by Anonymousreply 15901/02/2013

Watch where you step, Spring!

by Anonymousreply 16001/02/2013

I'm here to bring some glamour to this party!

by Anonymousreply 16101/02/2013

The young Shirley Booth (who, like most in this thread, was probably straight).

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by Anonymousreply 16201/02/2013

Didja bring your karn cob holders, Annie?

by Anonymousreply 16301/02/2013

Jesus Mary n' Joseph Bea, don't bother me right now while Polly Bergen is making eyes at me. I swear the next time you sneak up on me and poke me in the ribs while doing your Betty Rubble laugh I'm a gonna give ya a knuckle sandwich.

by Anonymousreply 16401/02/2013

Patti Page sneaked in while no one was watching...

by Anonymousreply 16501/02/2013

Just pretend there's an apple in it and start bobbing.

by Anonymousreply 16601/02/2013

Oh look-- it's Penny Singleton and Arthur Lake! How about a nice Dagwood sandwich, guys?

by Anonymousreply 16701/02/2013

[R157] - Wally Cox is out by the pool talking philosophy with Eartha. I could swear she was saying something about "pure trash" but her hoisting a Schlitz was a real "If my fans could see me now!" moment (not in a good way either).

by Anonymousreply 16801/02/2013

Oh, thank God. Maudie Prickett is going in to clean up the bedroom.

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by Anonymousreply 16901/02/2013

OP is a 58 year, 310lb queen living in a small apartment with 3 cats...each with 3 word names. Really pathetic.

by Anonymousreply 17001/02/2013

Ah, shut the fuck up...

by Anonymousreply 17101/03/2013

I'll take "What enrages babygays?" for 310, Alex.

by Anonymousreply 17201/03/2013

LOL at R170. Probably hit a nerve.

by Anonymousreply 17301/03/2013

[quote] I offered her the last of my Di-gel tablets I had in my purse but I guess that upset her and she told me where to go then stormed off fighting tears.

[quote]by: Ann Miller

At least she kept her hands off of your CARN cob holders!

by Anonymousreply 17401/03/2013

What's up everyone?

by Anonymousreply 17501/03/2013

Oh, Christ. Once she's had a few, we'll hear that Doggie In the Window...again and again...

by Anonymousreply 17601/03/2013

Any of you gals seen my golf balls?

by Anonymousreply 17701/03/2013

I saw that poor poor Gail Russell sitting all by herself looking so sad. I tried to hug her but she became very uncomfortable. Oh well. I did all I could do. I'm tired of this kid's stuff. I want whiskey! Where is that waiter?

by Anonymousreply 17801/03/2013

Which one of you bitches copped my cigarette holder?

by Anonymousreply 17901/03/2013

R170, with his "cool and slimming" facial hair.

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by Anonymousreply 18001/03/2013

I said, Elsa, if you keep making that face I can't concentrate on what I'm doing. And I could hurt you. And then she made that face.

And I hurt her.

by Anonymousreply 18101/03/2013

She's my maid.

(Slap)

She's my mother!

(Slap)

She's my maid!!!

(Slap)

She's my mother!!!!!!

(Slap)

SHE'S MY MAID AND MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!

by Anonymousreply 18201/03/2013

Peggy Cass and Kitty Carlisle just arrived! Looks like Peggy's not gonna start that diet 'til tomorrow.

Will someone tell Cathleen Nesbitt to stop playing on the automated stair lift?

by Anonymousreply 18301/03/2013

Some of these hot dogs taste like they found an interesting route to the table.

I love them!

by Anonymousreply 18401/03/2013

If you'll excuse me, I need to use the powder room. Oh, wait, all done...

by Anonymousreply 18501/03/2013

Bea, darling, can you put out some more deviled eggs? Marion Lorne grabbed the last one and is doing a, um, "parlor trick" with it.

by Anonymousreply 18601/03/2013

God, even Rod Serling would read this thread with a sense of awe.

by Anonymousreply 18701/03/2013

Well dahlings, I am here so let the party really begin! And yes, I am going "commando" tonight!

by Anonymousreply 18801/03/2013

Love this thread!! And to bitch twink that doesn't know who these people are: LEARN!!!! This is your heritage! Not fucking Lady Gaga!!!

by Anonymousreply 18901/03/2013

I'm driving Jud-eh home tonight. She's had too many of those damn pills again! If LB Mayer were here I would hit him on the head with a pot!

by Anonymousreply 19001/03/2013

Use your hair.

by Anonymousreply 19101/03/2013

Phew! Lil Tashman kissed me hello and good gravy, does her breath stink! I suspect she's been doing the lickey-split with Kay Francis again.

by Anonymousreply 19201/03/2013

God, just 2 more hours til 4pm here on the east coast. That's when the Shady Pines set are wheeled into the dining hall and then lifted into their beds, and this thread comes to a crashing halt.

by Anonymousreply 19301/03/2013

R193, feeling "youthful" and "sassy"

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by Anonymousreply 19401/03/2013

Rudy was lovely. Like an athletic girl with a slight prolapse. But, no, we never. Of course not.

by Anonymousreply 19501/03/2013

Johnny tried to kiss me, and he had to pay.

Plus Mama had to use all that makeup to cover up the bruises. And you know I'm allergic to the smell of makeup.

Oh! Crab cakes!

by Anonymousreply 19601/03/2013

Anyone for tennis?

And anyone know where we can find some balls around here? We don't have any at home, heaven knows.

by Anonymousreply 19701/03/2013

[quote]OP is a 58 year, 310lb queen living in a small apartment with 3 cats...each with 3 word names. Really pathetic.

Nope! I'm 42, about 175 lbs (which would be an appropriate weight if I was three inches taller), living in a medium-sized apartment with no pets. Pathetic is your own opinion, so I'll leave you with that.

~~~~~~~~~~

This party has gone on much longer than I anticipated. I'm gonna make a quick Costco run for pork rinds, toilet paper and Parliaments. And I'm bringing Dressler with me because a) she's the perfect donkey, and b) if she's not watched closely, she'll drag her ass all over my wall-to-wall carpeting.

by Anonymousreply 19801/03/2013

This is for you, Greta. So you know I haven't forgotten. As much as I've tried, Gott knows.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 19901/03/2013

Well, all I can say is a threeway with those Gishes was more like watching a tennis game and being close enough to the court to occasionally get smacked by the ball.

If you know what I mean.

by Anonymousreply 20001/03/2013

Laudy, what a mess! But as I likes to say, I'd rather play a maid than be one.

Bea, who's gonna tidy up in here?

by Anonymousreply 20101/03/2013

What the fuck kind of name is Jinx Falkenburg, and who invited that bitch to the party?

by Anonymousreply 20201/03/2013

This thread had promise, but it's devolved quickly and is no longer amusing.

by Anonymousreply 20301/03/2013

Gott im Himmel, I had to go in the bathroom after Kate Smith got through with it! Scheizer! Maria, go to the car and get the Ajax. I can't stand to use that toilet until it's sterile.

by Anonymousreply 20401/03/2013

We are Here! We are Queer! We know who Gladys Cooper and Bonita Granville are and we ARE proud of it!

by Anonymousreply 20501/03/2013

Look at Alexander Woolcott in banana curls over at R203.

A party doesn't need a social critic, you ass. It needs more ice! Why don't you roll out to the tavern on the corner and get some? We won't miss you. We promise.

by Anonymousreply 20601/03/2013

Jesslyn Fax is running around telling everyone she's "post-menopausal." Sure, if your definition of "post" extends to 40 years!

by Anonymousreply 20701/03/2013

R207, she's referring to the size and shape of the "Lady Helper" she requires since her lovepouch turned 40.

by Anonymousreply 20801/03/2013

Anyone have some Summer's Eve? I'm fresh out.

by Anonymousreply 20901/03/2013

Lordy, the only saving grace about this thread is that is proves that homosexuality existed since ancient times.

by Anonymousreply 21001/03/2013

Why, I was missing my dear friend Dorothy Arzner, only to find I've been sitting on her face all along!

by Anonymousreply 21101/03/2013

Oh dear have I missed the party?

by Anonymousreply 21201/03/2013

I sho do likes dese partiez wit all dese pretty white ladiez! Does anybody know where Tallulah done run off to? Isa gots ta axe huh somefin'.

by Anonymousreply 21301/03/2013

Goodness gracious Bea. How did all of these A listers find out about your little wing ding? Just so you know, Tallulah, Merle, Irene Ryan, and Janis Page are taking the pot out in the garage. Tallulah offered me a shotgun and I shot her an eye roll.

by Anonymousreply 21401/03/2013

Dear, I know Hattie. Hattie is a friend of mine. You are NOT Hattie...

by Anonymousreply 21501/03/2013

214 = Mary Wickes (hastily forgot to sign my post)

by Anonymousreply 21601/03/2013

Is the party still going on?

If so, I'll be right over.

by Anonymousreply 21701/04/2013

Goddam it -- what day is it? Did I --? Fuck. I missed my own goddam party.

That's the last time I bum muscle relaxers off of Rosie Clooney.

Does anyone know how long 25 trays of pickled herring and rouladen can safely sit at room temperature?

by Anonymousreply 21801/02/2014

...and Barbara Billingley as The Beaver.

by Anonymousreply 21901/02/2014

Betty Bacall needs a cigarette.

by Anonymousreply 22001/02/2014

Wow ...this thread was a CLASSIC last year, but it was deleted! How did it get resurrected?

by Anonymousreply 22101/02/2014

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 22201/02/2014

We thought you had left us, Bea.

As another happy new year came and went, has your neverending house party managed to keep the fun going? And isn't it swell that all your guests are of sufficient age that there has been no embarrassing spotting of that white rug in your powder room, since of course you have no ladyplugs to provide them? After all, you're not running a bus station.

Eva Gabor did ask why you wore three wigs at a time on PETTICOAT JUNCTION.

by Anonymousreply 22301/02/2014

Anne Francis was supposed to pick up Joanna Barnes at the airport and then come directly to Bea's. Anne got lost, but luckily Salome Jens lives near by and picked up Joanna and found Anne, so they all arrived on time

Lois Nettleton is on her way but is stuck in traffic. Mary Jo Catlett said she is also on her way, she finally got a cab. Beverly Sanders and Marian Mercer are waiting for Nancy Kovacks to pick them up

by Anonymousreply 22401/02/2014

Carol Wayne and Audrey Landers had to go home and change clothes ,,, they showed up wearing the same dress.

Helen Gallagher is dying for someone to ask her to sing "Danny Boy."

by Anonymousreply 22501/02/2014

Jan Smithers said she will be there, but if you-know-who shows up, she is out of there

by Anonymousreply 22601/02/2014

Arlene Francis showed up wearing a blindfold and tried to guess who showed up.

by Anonymousreply 22701/02/2014

Kitty Carlisle arrived in a ball gown, as usual.

by Anonymousreply 22801/02/2014

To Tell The Truth, Peggy Cass was a hoot!

by Anonymousreply 22901/02/2014

Dinah Manoff just walked in, and said that Kristy McNichol sends her regrets

by Anonymousreply 23001/02/2014

Is Lady Peele aka Bea Lillie there yet??

by Anonymousreply 23101/02/2014

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 23201/02/2014

I don' t think Marjorie Lord and Jean Hagan like Bea's new glass coffee table

Shelley Farbares and Prisciila Morrill are playing bridge with Sue Ane Langdon and Mary Louise Wilson

by Anonymousreply 23301/02/2014

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 23401/02/2014

Why weren't Marjorie Reynolds, Betty Furness, or Marjorie Lord invited? I know that Phyllis Kirk and Gale Storm had prior engagements.

by Anonymousreply 23501/02/2014

I'm 44 and this shit is ridiculous. I picture the queens participating in this to be upper middle class, white, and extremely self absorbed and sad and lonely. Add racist, sexist and self loathing. They unfortunately think this is how all gays should be. So so sad.

by Anonymousreply 23601/02/2014

R236 is an insufferable bore.

by Anonymousreply 23701/02/2014

Some stragglers have showed up a little late, but they brought some primo pot.

Verna Felton drove with Patsy Kelly and Zazu Pitts and Beulah Bondi and Jane Darwell filling up the car. They are a fun crowd.

by Anonymousreply 23801/03/2014

I need a drink, a smoke and some ass. Just came from my bitch sister's place, and you all know what THAT means? Aline McMahon's out there, parkin' the car.

by Anonymousreply 23901/03/2014

r236, any 44-year-old who goes around referring to himself as "Punk dude, hung and inked" is WAY more pathetic than some campy old queens having fun.

by Anonymousreply 24001/03/2014

I took to google for some of the references, but so fucking what...once I took the time to learn a bit about a few of the main characters in this collaborative fiction I got the humor and am enjoying the thread.

Those of you complaining...the world existed long before we did and Bea Benederet was a very popular actress in her time. I just u tubed my first Petticoat Junction.

by Anonymousreply 24101/03/2014

Hey! I'm here too, and I'm really not as much of a dyke as I played on TV

by Anonymousreply 24201/03/2014

Hey, will some you gals help me pull Arlene Francis away from the air conditioner on that window sill?

by Anonymousreply 24301/03/2014

Anita Gillette just walked in. Guess we forgot to pick her up.

by Anonymousreply 24401/03/2014

Nancy Dussault arrived with Anita Gillette. I always get those two confused! There's Marjorie Bennett, Ruth McDevitt and Cheerio Meredith. Love all of them, but keep Cheerio away from the gin.

by Anonymousreply 24501/03/2014

How odd that people should take the time to announce their disinterest. If I feel a scenario has nothing to offer me, I simply don't involve myself.

I said much the same to Charles when he suggested celebrating the new year in Mykonos.

by Anonymousreply 24601/03/2014

Gail Fisher, Rosalind Cash and Lynne Thigpen are coming up the walkway, while Janet MacLachian parks the car

by Anonymousreply 24701/03/2014

Frances Reid just showed up in leather.

by Anonymousreply 24801/03/2014

Playing charades are June Lockhart, Jane Dulo, Inger Stevens, Joyce Bulifant, Angela Cartwright, Ann Morgan Guilbert, Sada Thompson, Kathleen Nolan, Sheila James, Naomi Stevens, Merry Anders and Joyce Van Patten

by Anonymousreply 24901/03/2014

[quote]Frances Reid just showed up in leather.

... walkin' Lois Kibbee on a leash!

by Anonymousreply 25001/03/2014

Hope Lange, Claudette Nevins, Louise Sorel and Carmen Zapata are playing ping pong in Bea's rumpus room

by Anonymousreply 25101/03/2014

Sue Ane Langdon is doing the Frug on the pool table while Josephine Hull makes it rain! Go, Miss Cougar Thing!

by Anonymousreply 25201/03/2014

Sheree North, there you are, you ol hooker.

by Anonymousreply 25301/03/2014

Una O'Connor just motorboated Mamie Van Doren!

by Anonymousreply 25401/03/2014

I'm glad no one invited Constance Ford this year. Such a Debbie Downer!

by Anonymousreply 25501/03/2014

For some real fun, put Barbara Bel Geddes and Kim Stanley in the same room and ask them who Tennessee Williams thought was the better actress. Better bring some iodine to patch up the wounds. Of course, Kim will bring the alcohol.

by Anonymousreply 25601/03/2014

...and Dorothy Malone as Constance MacKenzie.

by Anonymousreply 25701/03/2014

I need some earplugs! I have to ride home with Mae Questel, Iris Adrian, and Jean Carson. And Florence Stanley is driving!

by Anonymousreply 25801/03/2014

r112, Hildy wasn't magnificent, she was Incomparable, on stage and under the sheets.

by Anonymousreply 25901/03/2014

Is Bruce here? I'm his Aunt Harriet.

by Anonymousreply 26001/03/2014

Harriet Nelson, Gale Storm and Dale Evans just rode in bareback on Trigger.

by Anonymousreply 26101/03/2014

Ann Sothern is going to be a little late. The Boss kept her overtime.

by Anonymousreply 26201/03/2014

Thelma Todd just pulled down her pink panties after too many Pink Panty Pulldowns. I can confirm she's only "The Ice Cream Blonde" up top!

by Anonymousreply 26301/03/2014

Bess Myerson wore her crown. Was that really necessary?

by Anonymousreply 26401/03/2014

Ethel Merman? Ethel FUCKING Merman? I'LL tell you about Ethel fucking Merman! What a cunt-tease she is.

by Anonymousreply 26501/03/2014

What the FUCK is going on here!?!

I didn't get an invitation to the party again this year. That's a kick in the cunt and a stab in the back.

This is fucking fucked up!

Well, I'm here girls! And I'm feeling horny tonight. Who wants the best lay of their lives?

by Anonymousreply 26601/03/2014

Wow! Lupe Velez just let me taste her ragout and boy, was it spicy! I'm going back for seconds!

by Anonymousreply 26701/03/2014

Why does Connie Ford's breath smell like Irene Dailey's balls?

by Anonymousreply 26801/03/2014

Mercy! I do believe Olive Thomas has slipped some laudanum into the sarsaparilla!

by Anonymousreply 26901/03/2014

Margaret Wycherly and I had to stop for some smokes and Rock and Rye. Bea is a dear, but never has Herbert Tareyton in her house.

by Anonymousreply 27001/03/2014

I'm here, too!

by Anonymousreply 27101/03/2014

I'm terribly sorry I'm late! Do sit. Oh Moira, give over! G&T please!

by Anonymousreply 27201/04/2014

Damn that Dwayne Hickman! He told me this party was at Kristen Stewart's place. Now I've got Marjorie Main giving me "the squint".

by Anonymousreply 27301/04/2014

If any of these old bags says they love Forever Spring I'm gonna hurl!

by Anonymousreply 27401/04/2014

What the fuck is an Itay Hod? Sounds like pig latin for a suppository.

Hey Connie! Over here. My pussy's warm.

by Anonymousreply 27501/04/2014

When Barbara Colby saw that her ex-mother-in-law was present, she did a quick 180 to exit the room. On her way out, she almost knocked over Reva Rose; luckily for Reva, Joan Hotchkiss and Gail Strickland were able to steady her/

Driving away, Barbara almost struck Amzie Strickland and Lucille Benson as they were crossing the street. Barbara's car almost sideswipe Sandra Gould's auto in which Marion Lorne and Kasey Rogers were passengers

by Anonymousreply 27601/05/2014

Anne B. Davis is she still supposedly dating Sam, that butcher guy?

by Anonymousreply 27701/05/2014

Awaiting WaWa Walters for her "Most Fascinating Females Dead or Alive of the Past Century" telecast.

by Anonymousreply 27801/05/2014

You should have seen the dirty look Lana Wood gave Jill St. John when they ran into each other at the powder room. Stefanie Powers just giggled.

Shooting craps were Dina Merrill, Anne Revere, Ann Doran, Ann Rutherford, Karen Valentine and Sandy Duncan

by Anonymousreply 27901/05/2014

Estelle Winwood is not Tallulah's best friend! I am! And I've got the scars to prove it!

by Anonymousreply 28001/05/2014

OP - are you just listing your neighbors or something? Who the fuck are those people and why should we care about them being at your hovel?

by Anonymousreply 28101/05/2014

Where's the booze? And the pills?

by Anonymousreply 28201/05/2014

R281 = Broke her finger when her mother punched her in the nose for not cleaning the basement.

by Anonymousreply 28301/05/2014

Gloria Grahame just took her bra off.

by Anonymousreply 28401/05/2014

That cunt Frances Bavier keeps harassing me about my tasteful nude scene in "Rosemary's Baby."

by Anonymousreply 28501/05/2014

[quote]Gloria Grahame just took her bra off.

When she gets to her panties, someone track me down. I love a dinner of week-old fish.

by Anonymousreply 28601/05/2014

Give connie a 40 and a root vegetable. She'll entertain herself for hours.

by Anonymousreply 28701/07/2014

Christ. Barbara Hale brought hors d'ourves again. She uses that ancient Radarange to nuke em.

by Anonymousreply 28801/07/2014

Minerva Urecal and Frances Langford are bobbing for dildoes!

by Anonymousreply 28901/07/2014

Stevie Nicks kicked my daughter in the bug!

by Anonymousreply 29001/07/2014

Pasty Cline is standing in the middle of the living room wobbling "Crazy." Goddammit, she's become that annoying song.

by Anonymousreply 29101/07/2014

Anyone want the Ronnie Reagan dildo? I need a rest!

by Anonymousreply 29201/07/2014

Oh, me sainted mither! Did oye miss the parity AGAIN?

by Anonymousreply 29301/07/2014

Why, oh why, wasn't Rosemary DeCamp invited? She feels so bad, she's crying over Bob Cummings picture.

by Anonymousreply 29401/07/2014

Who the hell let Pamelyn Ferdin in here? We don't need any problems with jailbait! Get her out of here before Nancy Kulp sees her!

by Anonymousreply 29501/07/2014

Marlene @ R204 tell her to use Bon Ami!

by Anonymousreply 29601/07/2014

Totie Fields just took a shit in the backyard.

by Anonymousreply 29701/07/2014

Earlier, Juliet Prowse kept floating through the room scissor-kicking and singing, "Nothing beats a great pair of L'eggs". Totie was shooting daggers across the room at her. I have a very uneasy feeling about what's about to go down.

by Anonymousreply 29801/07/2014

Elder gay stuff. Nobody under 40 knows who Bea Bernadaret was, nor do they care because the 1950s and 1960s were decades before their birth and considered to be like silent movie times to the elder gays in comparison. All the 80s and 90s crowd cares about is dick and dope. They don't like or watch black & white shows of yesteryear. They don't know much about history or old movies or old TV shows. So don't waste your time trying to start up talk about old timey stars.

by Anonymousreply 29901/07/2014

Arlene Dahl isn't wearing any panties.

by Anonymousreply 30001/07/2014

Just caught Elizabeth Ashley rifling through my upstairs bathroom medicine cabinet. Don't believe a word that woman says, she's a LIAR.

by Anonymousreply 30101/07/2014

r295 We were having a nice conversation here before you got here. Thanks for your input, but we'll continue our chat.

So, move on back to talk about AnnE, Gaga and Miley and we'll talk about the people we want to talk about.

Girls, is that Jayne Mansfield over there talking with Lana. Two bleach blondes who love to show off their tits!

by Anonymousreply 30201/07/2014

WTF are you talking about R302? You have sonething against Pamelyn Ferdin?

by Anonymousreply 30301/07/2014

Opps. I meant r299, not r295.

Bea certainly makes a mean Old Fashioned! I'm feeling a bit tipsy. I typed in the wrong numbers. My apologies.

And I'm feeling a burning in my loins too. Connie, can you come help me out? And bring Susan Flannery with you.

by Anonymousreply 30401/07/2014

Will someone PLEASE tell that bitch Maria Montez that others need to tinky? Shit, I've been holding it for about an hour now! That Evelyn Ankers sure does make a killer Mai-Tai!

by Anonymousreply 30501/08/2014

Curtains don't match the carpet, if you catch my drift, Mary r302.

by Anonymousreply 30601/08/2014

If that bitch Anne "Frank Lloyd Wright Is My Grandfather" Baxter confuses me with Faye Emerson one more time, I'm going to wear her snatch like a mukluk.

by Anonymousreply 30701/08/2014

I'm here, chickens! Let's get it on! Bend over ladies, I'm here for the butt buffet!

by Anonymousreply 30801/11/2014

Bea honey, you throw a swell patty. Pass me one of them Schlitz in tub dear. I gotta show Virgy Mayo, Glynis Johns, and them snooty drips Jane Greer and Gloria Dehaven how I can belch to the tune of Bei Mier Bist du Schoen. Oh look at Debbie Reynolds and Cloris Leachman circling the piano while doing interlocked somersaults. Whatta scream!

by Anonymousreply 30912/26/2014

Nancy Kulp and Ann B. Davis went behind the hedges in the garden more than a hour ago, and nobody's seen them since!

by Anonymousreply 31012/26/2014

Wow! This was a legendary thread that I thought was long gone!

by Anonymousreply 31112/26/2014

I hope I didn't miss the buffet table.

by Anonymousreply 31212/26/2014

I do love egg salad. And beer.

by Anonymousreply 31312/26/2014

Would someone please be nice and chat with Capucine? She's looking depressed out there on the balcony.

by Anonymousreply 31412/26/2014

Mary Wickes and Marjorie Main are awfully close, aren't they?

And Faith, I agree about Evelyn's mai-tais. They go down smoother than Tyrone Power on a Filipino houseboy!

by Anonymousreply 31512/26/2014

You certainly deserve a "MARY" Mary @ 302! That's not Jayne Mansfield, its Joi Lansing. I oughta know---she came with me.

by Anonymousreply 31612/26/2014

This year's party is a little tense. Nancy Kulp and Kay Thompson were the first to arrive, but they haven't spoken since Nancy sold Kay that ride-on lawn mower that stopped running one week later.

On the bright side, I've got just enough time to clear everything out of the medicine chest before Rose Clooney gets here.

by Anonymousreply 31712/31/2014

Now that I've seen Shirley Booth re-enact Lady Godiva's horseback ride across the back lawn in nothing but the paper crown she wore as Hazel, I've seen it all.

by Anonymousreply 31812/31/2014

Looking up bull dyke in the dictionary and one will find Kathleen Freeman's picture as an example. She looked like she was with a man once and she was so unhappy with the experience she bit his dick off.

by Anonymousreply 31912/31/2014

Edie Adams called. She and Ernie are running late. Guess he was in a fender bender and hasn't even gotten home yet!

by Anonymousreply 32012/31/2014

Will someone tell Geraldine Page that getting a part on Kraft Theater does not a movie star make. God forbid she's ever on Playhouse 90.

by Anonymousreply 32112/31/2014

What larks! Eva Le Gallienne and Mary Martin are on their way over to Allison William's house to throw eggs while crowing the way Peter Pan should crow.

by Anonymousreply 32212/31/2014

bump

by Anonymousreply 32303/14/2015

Would someone please tell Theda Bara to lay off the brisket?

by Anonymousreply 32403/15/2015

Bea, dear, thank you for inviting me to your soiree. It's delightful. And everything is so clean! But, dear, I hate to tell you, Milton Berle is outside trying to crash the event---and he's in drag, no less! Oh---wait---that's Bette.

by Anonymousreply 32503/15/2015

There's somebody named Julie Andrews outside. Wants to come to the party. She certainly looks like she would fit in here.

Should we let her in?

by Anonymousreply 32603/15/2015

Okay, we're all going to sing Happy Birthday to Peggy Wood. Remember to sing "Happy Birthday, dear cunt face" instead of "dear Peggy"! She gets such a kick out of having an iconic film moment like that.

by Anonymousreply 32703/15/2015

Would someone please distract Peggy Ann Garner? She's getting ready to thrill us again with her big speech from A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN. She does this every year and she is much too old to pull it off!

by Anonymousreply 32803/15/2015

My annual NYE party is just 24 hours away and the preparations have run me BREATHLESS. It hasn't helped that Aggie Moorehead showed up a day early, drunk and tear-stained, mourning her, uh, friend, Debbie. So not only do I have dozens of jars of pickled eggs to decant and medicine cabinets to clear out, but I'm suicide watch with Endora. I sent a car for Rose Marie -- I need backup.

Calgon, take me away!

by Anonymousreply 32912/30/2016

Bea, Maudie Prickett here. I can come by and help with the preparations. Just put me to work but I'll only stay til things get rolling. You know me. Margaret (Hamilton) and I are in bed by 9:45 no matter what. I made plenty of divinity, kolaches, and rosettes for the holidays and set an allotment aside for your celebration. I sure hope to see that darling Elinor Donahue again.

by Anonymousreply 33012/30/2016

Nancy Davis is going to show us a new trick with A cucumber, she said Ronnie showed her. She said , she was the best in town. Don't think it will go over big at this party.

by Anonymousreply 33112/30/2016

I don't stand a ghost of a chance at this party.

by Anonymousreply 33212/30/2016

Why does Arlene keep asking everyone if they Are in the "Legitimate Theatre?" And why did she bring that fag hag Kitty Carlisle?

by Anonymousreply 33312/30/2016

Whew, Francis Bavier's pussy stinks!!

by Anonymousreply 33412/30/2016

You bitches have better not ask me to sing nothing - I'm only here for some drinks, and to hang out with my girl Tallulah.

And stop shaking your goddamn heads at me - these needle tracks on my arms are none of your fucking concern.

by Anonymousreply 33512/30/2016

My God, this damn party has been going on for two years.

Jesus, Bea, can't you let go and let our gal Eileen Heckart host for a while?

by Anonymousreply 33612/31/2016

Is the party still going on? You old gals are a hoot!

by Anonymousreply 33712/31/2016

R336, this party's been going on for 4 years!

by Anonymousreply 33812/31/2016

Doris Lloyd is on her twelfth Old Fashion and is doing her imitation of Merle Oberon's Can Can dance from The Lodger again.

by Anonymousreply 33912/31/2016

Poor Aggie cried herself to sleep. But once she did, the party started! Nancy Kulp -- I shit you not -- has a lampshade on her head. And I think she thinks she's at Dan Tana's -- she just stopped Edith Head and asked her for a steak tartar,a side of cream spinach and two boilermakers.

by Anonymousreply 34012/31/2016

Stay clear of the Ladies Room. Gwen Verdon just let one rip in there.

by Anonymousreply 34112/31/2016

This year's party is going to be low key -- I've got this dry, nagging cough that I can't seem to shake and I'm so low energy. Time to see Dr. Jacobson again! Judy heard about him from the President so you know he's got to be good.

I'm gonna lie down for a bit. Girls, can one of you put six dozen eggs on to boil? And they delivered the kegs up the road -- just roll them down the drive way and into the walk-in. Wake me at 7.

by Anonymousreply 34212/31/2017

Rose Marie was feeling a little under the weather but promises to make an appearance.

by Anonymousreply 34312/31/2017

So, I wake up from my nap, coughing up a lung (and it's my good one!) and not one of you fat, lazy bitches has lifted a finger to get things ready for this party. Fran Ryan -- for someone who finally got an invite after three years of begging, I'd think you'd be a little more helpful.

by Anonymousreply 34412/31/2017

Keely Smith just arrived. She thought she should stay away, but there was nothing else for her to do.

by Anonymousreply 34512/31/2017

Rachel Roberts got mad everyone was taking selfies at the other end of the room, jumped up on a table, pulled up her skirt and yelled, "Why don't you all take a picture of THIS?!"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 34612/31/2017

I just got a text from June Lockhart. She's on her way.

by Anonymousreply 34712/31/2017

Thelma Ritter just phoned. Not gonna make it this year, horrendous case of the shits; can't be more than 10 feet from the bowl.

by Anonymousreply 34812/31/2017

Okay, the craziest thing just happened. Babe Paley showed up on the arm of Barbara Pepper! They look like Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig, and each is more drunk than the other. Barbara, sure, but Babe? No one knows where to look. Half of us work for her.

by Anonymousreply 34912/31/2017

Waiting for Claudette Colbert to show with the molly.

by Anonymousreply 35012/31/2017

Did Coral Browne put LSD in the punch again, or am I really seeing Frank Cady in a bouffant, sheath and slingbacks in the corner talking to Cathy Lewis?

by Anonymousreply 35112/31/2018

That's Joan's new girl. Norma something.

by Anonymousreply 35212/31/2018

[quote]WTF are you talking about ? You have something against Pamelyn Ferdin?

by Anonymousreply 35301/01/2019

[quote]WTF are you talking about? You have something against Pamelyn Ferdin?

You bet your sweet ass I do!

by Anonymousreply 35401/01/2019

[quote]Best. Party. Ever.

Best.THREAD.Ever.

by Anonymousreply 35501/01/2019

Crack a beer and get the deviled eggs prepped, ladies -- it's that time again!

by Anonymousreply 35612/31/2019

yes, i'm bumping this

by Anonymousreply 35712/31/2019

I’m on my way! I’m picking up Elizabeth Patterson, and you know how she can be (glug glug) so we might be a little late. Save me an egg!

by Anonymousreply 35812/31/2019

This is one of the best threads of the past decade, imho

by Anonymousreply 35912/31/2019
Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 36012/31/2019
Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 36112/31/2019

Oh, Bea -So sorry you've been under the weather. I'm boiling some more eggs, and I've sent Patsy Kelly to get a couple of cases of gin. Little Pammie Ferdyn will drop them off as soon as she gets back from visiting Kim Richards. Don't you worry about a thing. Marjorie, Kaye, and I will be over with the ice before the other guests arrive!

by Anonymousreply 36201/01/2020

OP -This is the best thread, ever! I sat and giggled all the way through it. I very much appreciated the subtle (and not-so-subtle) references to old scandals and legends.

by Anonymousreply 36301/01/2020

New Year’s Eve is an odd choice for gal’s night out. What were all the husbands doing?

by Anonymousreply 36401/01/2020

Shouldn't that be whom were all the husbands doing??

by Anonymousreply 36501/01/2020

[quote] with half a dozen cases of Schlitz and a gross of deviled eggs.

I hope someone cracks a window!

by Anonymousreply 36601/01/2020

Claudette arrived, drunk as ever....She thinks her shit doesn't smell!!!!!

by Anonymousreply 36701/01/2020

[quote] whom were all the husbands doing??

Barbara Eden, no doubt.

by Anonymousreply 36801/01/2020

R170, more like 68-year-old....

by Anonymousreply 36901/01/2020

Did anyone bring some goofballs for Judy?

by Anonymousreply 37001/01/2020

Yikes, Violet Carson and Ann George just showed up in housedresses and hairnets. So much for British elegance! HEY, WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES STOLE MY FUNNEL?

by Anonymousreply 37101/01/2020

Did someone say "British elegance"?

by Anonymousreply 37201/01/2020

Who invited that drunk twat Gladys George?

by Anonymousreply 37301/01/2020

Hattie McDaniel wants to know why she has to stay in the kitchen and wants to know if it’s ok to drink from the same glasses used by the white women. She also wants to know where Bea keeps the condoms.

by Anonymousreply 37401/01/2020

Frances Bouvier just stormed in. She’s demanding scotch with a vodka chaser

by Anonymousreply 37501/01/2020

Damn! That bitch, Tallulah, has locked herself in the bathroom with someone and won't come out until she gets her cock sucked. I may have to pee in the kitchen sink again like last year.

by Anonymousreply 37601/01/2020

Has anyone invitied verna felton?

by Anonymousreply 37701/01/2020

No! Leave Verna at home! The bitch always sashays around the room using that goddamned Fairy Godmother voice and offering to grant wishes to the giggly girls. How's a fellah supposed to compete?

by Anonymousreply 37801/02/2020

I loved hearing Viv's stories about all the shit that went on with that Lucy cast, especially the ones about Little Ricky always going around kicking the elders in their shins. One swift kick in the ass would have done him good. I'm just glad Bitch Bette didn't show up. Or is she here?

by Anonymousreply 37901/02/2020

Coral Browne, eyeing Lee Patrick, demands that people stop requesting daiquiris made with honey.

by Anonymousreply 38001/02/2020

Holy Christ !! JERRY HERMAN just breezed in and ran straight to the piano !! Girls, get ready for a show tune singalong !! But please make sure Lucy doesn't get there first, let Bea handle the MAME songs. Don'y worry, I'm gonna tap on that goddamn piano for all it's worth. Now THIS is a party!!

by Anonymousreply 38101/02/2020

Mary Wickes loves to take center stage, do her schtick about everybody else in the room, and when somebody asks who she is responds "Don't be so nosy!"

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by Anonymousreply 38201/02/2020

Is that Jeanette Nolan with her Marge Simpson like hairstyle doing Dirty Sally spit takes and all of a sudden breaking into bad Eastern European accents?

by Anonymousreply 38301/02/2020

Someone please keep Jeanette Charles away from Bess Myserson! She's trying to grab her crown!

by Anonymousreply 38401/02/2020

God help us. Rosalyn Borden and Marilyn Borden, aka Teensy & Weensy, are at it again, trying to get Reta Shaw to do a soft shoe dance with them. Reta's tired as she's been fighting with Hermoine Baddley all day, trying to keep a fight from breaking out with Ms. Gingold. Rumor has it that Patsy Kelly is searching for ukuleles to repeat the "Take a Little One Step" number from "No No Nanette" and has volunteered to assist the Borden twins.

by Anonymousreply 38501/02/2020

Not sure it has been mentioned but had Bea B. not turned down the role of Ethel Mertz, DL might never have known the name Vivian Vance.

by Anonymousreply 38601/02/2020

If the Borden sisters sing "Ricochet Romance" one more time I'm going to kick them in the balls!

by Anonymousreply 38701/02/2020

More ice!!

by Anonymousreply 38801/02/2020

I was just in the living room with Blanche Yurka, and that bitch is crazy. She kept insisting she had witnessed a murder and when she tells all she knows, heads will roll. I told her the only thing we’ll be rolling around here are the joints.

Say, where IS Libby Holman, anyway?

by Anonymousreply 38901/02/2020

Did Edith Head bring her famous bread pudding?

by Anonymousreply 39001/02/2020

[R390] That bread pudding was so old it had a longer beard than Patsy Kelly. Don't know why Edith is always bragging on that pudding... Just cuz some of the younger ladies like to lick out the bowl doesn't mean it tastes good. What's really moving this party along are my spicy Italian meatballs! Both my TV hubbies, Roger C. Carmel and Richard Deacon swear they're the most delicious balls they've ever tasted. And they should know!

by Anonymousreply 39101/02/2020

R389 Was Blanche clicking her knitting needles as she made this claim?

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by Anonymousreply 39201/03/2020

Lucille La Verne and Edith Massey are now performing "The Patty Duke Show" theme for us in the nude! They think they are identical cousins!

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by Anonymousreply 39301/03/2020

Edith just pushed Lucille off the stage. She wants to perform "Gypsy" for us. OK, enough of those eggrolls Mr. Goldstone!

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by Anonymousreply 39401/03/2020

Ladies! Ladies! A little more decorum, please! And more ice!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. As I was saying, Harpo used to use his fingers, while Groucho preferred to use his cigar. And as for Gummo...

by Anonymousreply 39501/03/2020

HI , I'M JOYCE DEWITT...AM I TOOO YOUNG FOR THIS PARTY ?

by Anonymousreply 39601/03/2020

WHY ARE VICTOR BUONO AND WALLY COX HERE ? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A FAG PARTY .

by Anonymousreply 39701/03/2020

Come on in, Joyce. Your pal Suzanne is here somewhere, too. She’s promised to tell that ridiculous story about how she killed her father. It’s hilarious!

by Anonymousreply 39801/03/2020

Did June Lockhart and June Allyson ride together ?

by Anonymousreply 39901/03/2020

At least we can trust Susan Dey not to comment on the shenanigans.

by Anonymousreply 40001/03/2020

IS Gloria Henry coming? She always talks to Kitty Carlisle .

by Anonymousreply 40101/03/2020

Gale Sondergaard showed up just to prove that she is not Dame Judith Anderson or Margaret Hamilton or Anne Revere, even though she turned down Mrs. Danvers and the Wicked Witch of the West and was replaced by Anne Revere on "Ryan's Hope". Helen Gallagher confirms that by jumping up on the bar to sing "Danny Boy" in honor of Dame Judith.

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by Anonymousreply 40201/03/2020

June Lockhart is upstairs. She plans to play her Rolling Stones and Jimi Hendrix albums to the Brady girls until Susan Olsen's head explodes. Maureen's and Eve's tongues are wagging -Getting reacquainted. When she has finished, June has promised to entertain the guests with her Jonathan Harris impressions and stories about Billy Mumy's and Mark Goddard's very long lunches together off-set.

by Anonymousreply 40301/03/2020

[quote]Maureen's and Eve's tongues are wagging

Yeah, Spring Byington and Patsy Kelly's tongues are wagging, too, if you catch my drift.

by Anonymousreply 40401/03/2020

Is Lizabeth Scott here and did she bring her book of... contacts?

by Anonymousreply 40501/03/2020

Oh, and you can talk, dear Lee? I'm surprised. It's the first time anyone has seen your tongue inside your mouth in years... Patsy and I have a deep, spiritual connection – Unlike you and the chorus of Chu Chi Chow.

by Anonymousreply 40601/03/2020

Cut off the booze. Mary Jane Croft just backed into Vanda Barra’s car. And Mitzi McCall just barfed into Mitzi Gaynor’s new cha cha heels.

by Anonymousreply 40701/03/2020

It's not Mary Jane's fault! She was in tears and practically hysterical after that fight with Vivian Vance over who was better at... "handling" Lucy. Kitty Carlisle did her best to console her -taking poor Mary Jane into the ladies room for half an hour to help her fix her face, but I saw her coming out, and her lipstick was more smeared than ever!

by Anonymousreply 40801/03/2020

So Kitty Carlisle got her hooks into Mary Jane? Peggy Cass warned me about that slippery-tongued bitch.

by Anonymousreply 40901/03/2020

Oh, the stories I could tell you about Kitty Carlisle... The bitch had more than one Night At the Opera, if you know what I mean. Poor Moss Hart had no idea what he was getting into. Or not getting into, as the case may be.

by Anonymousreply 41001/03/2020

How dare you put Bea's name in a thread title. It triggered me.

She's been dead for years and seeing her name again as an aborigine, it was awful.

I wish this was twitter so I could cancel you.

by Anonymousreply 41101/03/2020

r411, wish we could cancel YOU

by Anonymousreply 41201/03/2020

I prefer to be erased, not cancelled.

by Anonymousreply 41301/03/2020

Oh dear, oh dear! And it's been such a nice party so far... I don't know how they roughnecks managed to force their way in. Kaye, perhaps you and Tallulah could show them out? Quickly? I need to go to the... Oh. Never mind.

by Anonymousreply 41401/03/2020

Did anyone bring Spanish Fly or a French Tickler?

by Anonymousreply 41501/03/2020

Leave it to Grandma Joad to bring up such unsavory things. Don't get me started on what I saw her doing with those grapes! Pshaw!

by Anonymousreply 41601/03/2020

Oh, Aggie, what I did with them grapes was a heck more savory than what you did with Shaw...and if you don't like it, you can lump it!

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by Anonymousreply 41701/03/2020

You want to step outside, Zeffie? I'll show you how to play St. Joan -The method way.

by Anonymousreply 41801/03/2020

I wouldn't wanna be anywhere near your cooch when it starts sizzlin', Aggie. What a smell of sulphur!

by Anonymousreply 41901/03/2020

Who brought that brat, Margaret O'Brien?

by Anonymousreply 42001/04/2020

Betcha anything that love-hate thing that Zeffie and Agnes have going will get played out in an upstairs bedroom before midnight. Of course they'll likely have to kick Barbara Stanwyck and Debbie Reynolds out of the room to do it. These old dykes are just too closeted to have a good, old-fashioned gang bang in the parlour like the young gals are doing.

by Anonymousreply 42101/04/2020

That little Kristy McNichol sure is a dab hand at Rock, Paper, Scissors -if you get my drift...

by Anonymousreply 42201/04/2020

Why do I feel this thread has become the private showcase for one deranged DL-er?

by Anonymousreply 42301/04/2020

Don't forget to tip the bartender generously, darlings! Scotty reminds us discretion doesn't come cheaply. xo

by Anonymousreply 42401/04/2020

Anyone seen a pig run through here?

by Anonymousreply 42501/04/2020

And just like that, the thread is ruined.

by Anonymousreply 42601/04/2020

Thanks for the reminder, Bea. Scotty really knows how to get just the right group together for a party, and you are the perfect hostess!

by Anonymousreply 42701/04/2020

Scotty? Bartender? I don't know him.

by Anonymousreply 42801/04/2020

Oh, the ridiculous shit that comes out of Charles Laughton's mouth...

by Anonymousreply 42901/04/2020

Looks like the party has come to an end for another year. Bea, thanks for inviting us into your home. It was a fabulous party! Haven't had so much fun in ages! See you next year?

by Anonymousreply 43001/05/2020

Dear Friends,

As we enter the holiday season in the midst of a pandemic, I feel I should enforce some social rules for this year's get-together, and plan a few things out in advance. EVERYONE has to bring ice.

There. I think we're all set!

by Anonymousreply 431Last Friday at 5:59 PM

Oh dear, there's an incident at the powder room door

Carol Channing has locked herself in and keeps shrieking, "Corn, when did I eat corn?"

Reta Shaw has been waiting so long she's pulled her piece and she's threatening to blow the door down,

"We're sick of you pulling this same old shtick every year, Carol, you pretentious cunt!"

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by Anonymousreply 432Last Friday at 6:44 PM

[quote]Oh, the ridiculous shit that comes out of Charles Laughton's mouth...

His mouth, what about the stuff that's leaking from his ass?

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by Anonymousreply 433Last Friday at 6:49 PM

Who wants a sandwich?

by Anonymousreply 434Last Friday at 7:29 PM

R7 They're all long LONG dead actors/actresses. For anyone to remember most of them, they'd have to be well into their 70s. Your guess is as god as mine, re, why we're doing this.

by Anonymousreply 435Last Friday at 7:45 PM

ELSA DO NOT !!! LET CHARLES MAKE THOSE SANDWICHES IN MY KITCHEN !!

by Anonymousreply 436Last Friday at 9:11 PM

R7 and R435, this thread is an homage to the legendary personalities, tall tales, and vicious gossip that surrounded these celebrities of yesteryear. In their heydays they would have all found themselves the subjects of multiple DataLounge threads. Gay rumors. Stories of coprophilia. Drunkenness that would put Charlie Sheen to shame. Gather it all together in a single thread where the caftan-wearing cognoscenti can demonstrate both their bitchery and their wit -What could be more perfect for DataLounge?

Oh -And never eat a sandwich proffered by Charles Laughton. Trust me.

by Anonymousreply 437Last Saturday at 8:33 AM

R437 You can't just dangle that out there, especially after your explanation, and not give the dirt!

by Anonymousreply 438Last Saturday at 8:50 AM

You don't have to scroll back too far, R438. Legend has it that Charles Laughton was into shit. Literally. Supposedly he once ate a turd sandwich.

by Anonymousreply 439Last Saturday at 1:46 PM

Stanwyck wasn’t invited nor Hepburn. Supporting players distaff division only.

by Anonymousreply 440Last Saturday at 2:47 PM

Each time this thread is resurrected, I hold out hope that it will be somewhat witty and maybe even something like a snappy 1940s screenplay. But, sadly, it's just a lot of jokes about bodily functions but in the voice of old actors.

by Anonymousreply 441Last Saturday at 3:03 PM

And your contribution, R441, didn't change anything, did it?

by Anonymousreply 442Last Saturday at 4:53 PM

Ladies! Ladies! This is a party, not a street brawl. Now, one of you come to the kitchen and help me with the deviled eggs while the other goes to get more ice. We only have forty days left to get things ready, and you know how bitchy Miss Vance gets if we don't have sufficient...

by Anonymousreply 443Last Saturday at 5:08 PM

Miss Vance may have a big potomas in her hostess pants

but she's hardly the biggest bitch in this crowd

by Anonymousreply 444Last Sunday at 7:51 AM

How dare you look at me when you say that, Bea! What a cunt!

by Anonymousreply 445Last Sunday at 10:41 AM
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