Going from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship?

Please. 12 years together? You must be over 30. Nobody wants your tired asses.

This thread will not end well.

We are 34 and 38, and both very attractive. I get hit on all the time.

Just do what we do. Have safe sex with other guys but don't talk about it.

OP, having been in a long term open relationship, just be sure to set rules about keeping emotional distance from extramarital playmates. Above all, make sure to always have sex with your primary partner, at least every week.

I'm now in a monogamous LTR with a trick I took home while in the former open relationship because we did neither.

Oh, and I was 48 when I left my partner.

You won't believe me, but you might as well split up now. If things are going poorly, one of you will fall in love with someone else. Lots of drawn out heartache and blame.

You have both grown in different directions or grown bored of each other. Wouldn't it be better to just make a clean split now and remain friends?

How does the open relationship work practically? Are you open about when you're going out to fuck someone? Does it ever happen that x says "let's go to the movies on Tuesday" and y says "I have plans on Tuesday. I'm going... out."? Does the conversation just stop there?

I essentially agree with R7. In the few open relationships I have known about, not one couple has ended up staying together.

It appears there are good intentions, but also a an unspoken failing of some part of the relationship, and what the goals honestly are, when it gets to the stage of opening it up.

Good luck to you both, or should I say you both and whomever else you include.

Sounds like you need someone to help with rhe bills. Open relationship means the same as single. Make up your mind, work it out or be single cause there will never be any trust.

What R7, 9 & 10 said.

Did your ex find someone new too, R5?

[italic]How An Open Relationship Worked For One Couple: A Smashup in Two Acts[/italic]

Me: "Well, I won't go trolling around, but if opportunity knocks, or unzips, or whatever, and he's out of town, then why not? We're both adults, and it certainly doesn't affect the love and commitment we have for each other."

Him: "I'm going out and get laid. Don't wait up." (repeat 4x a week until he met someone else)

-FIN-

I would love to know how long posters have been in relationships.

21 yrs here and i say being completely honest is more important than whether you and another guy get off together. Sex can just be sex. But you owe it to your partner to always disclose what's going on. What i don't get is these "rules"; no sex with friends, noone we know, only when out of town, blah blah blah. That other guy you're having sex with might not be your life partner but he's still a human being so treat him accordingly.

I've said this a lot over the years I've been posting here: What are you and your partner building together? Not wanting to build something together really the only reason why relationships of any kind break up. The sex thing is just a side effect.

I agree with the posters above, break up now and save yourself a lot of angst later. You don't love each other if you think this will save your relationship - it's already dead. Cut it clean and get out.

R14 is an idiot. Let's start there.

Sex is "just sex" until it isn't. Every single "open" relationship I know of, ended because someone got involved with a trick. It's just not that simple. If you're both having sex with guys you're attracted to, it's bound to get complicated.

The only people who can make an "open" relationship work are guys who are complete narcissists with intimacy issues. Then they don't care. It's just about getting validation and a hot fuck, and since they don't ever get particularly close to anyone (including their partner), it works for them. There's no real "love" there, it's just about having the convenience of a "partner", while still being able to get laid. Basically it's two single guys, who want to be single, but also want someone to split the rent, and be around when they feel like "acting" domestic.

Passion, love...it's a messy business.So let's get real. You guys aren't "opening" up the relationship. you're casting your nets to see what kind of catch you can get. Neither one of you wants to be in the relationship anymore, but neither one of you wants to be alone. So this is a way of looking around for another guy, without having to go through a period of being alone first. you'll both fuck around until one of you finds the guy he wants to move in with, then suddenly the "open' relationship will be over. Good luck not being the one who gets dumped first.

If you wanted to have a little integrity and not be so dysfunctional, you'd end things with each other FIRST. Then move on and look for someone new. I mean, you're not lesbians for christ's sake, stop acting like it. If you do it the right way, you can process your feelings and end things amicably. Don't make it messier than it has to be. Besides, moving in with the rebound you hooked up with while you were still with your last partner is ALWAYS a mess (just ask your lesbian friends).

Have been with my partner for 13 years OP. "Don't ask, don't tell." Sometimes sex is just sex. The one main rule is not to have sex with the same person twice, at least in a two month period. %0D %0D I love my partner very much. I don't have any issues if he wants to go out and get laid. We are into different things sexually. So if he wants to get what he really likes and I do too, then fine.%0D %0D It doesn't mean the end, especially if you don't feel like it is the end.

OP, most of these posts are anecdotally interesting, but go against facts. Fact is, most long-standing same-sex male relationships are OPEN, and many are high-functioning.

We are men. Communicate with your partner. Establish ground rules, especially when it comes to safe sex. And remember that you love and trust each other.

Don't listen to the angry sex-negatives here.

The only times I've seen it work is when two people have a pretty good thing going, and just don't talk about it and don't make the escapades too obvious.

R18- you're completely deluded. Your relationship ended a long time ago. You just don't want to be alone. If "sex were just sex" you wouldn't have a "don't ask, don't tell policy". You're not lovers, you're Felix and Oscar.

R19= sad old clone.

No hon, "most" relationships are not open. If that makes you feel better about slutting around, go for it. But a REAL relationship is hard work between two committed people. Just because you choose to have a fake relationship doesn't mean that others don't want more.

News Flash: People can have arrangements, tacit or overt, that would be your personal nightmare - and be perfectly happy.

OP- break up. Even if the "sex-positive" people here weren't full of shit (which they are), it still wouldn't change the fact that you guys have been monogamous for 12 years, and are now experiencing difficulties and drifting apart. Having sex with other guys isn't going to bring the two of you closer together, that's absurd. Split up, remain friends, and go on with your lives. Don't get into a dysfunctional mess like some of these queens, and have a pretend marriage that's really about two people desperately avoiding being alone.

R23- News Flash...no they can't. A healthy, happy, functional relationship is not "an arrangement". Two people should WANT to be together, not just cling to each other out of habit or the fear of being alone.

trolldar sez ... r17, 21, 22, 24, 25 = same ranter

Who also never said how long he's been in a relationship.

Oh sugar, every relationship is an arrangement. That goes from laundry to bathroom habits to financial boundaries and sex boundaries. Get a grip.

Lots of straight "marriages" end up this way too. Two people who've grown disinterested in each other over time, bored with their lives, and ultimately unhappy together. They have flings on the side, that they never speak of, and stay together because they're pathologically unable to face life as a single person again. So they just cling together, afraid to end things, and take a risk.

That's not being "sex positive". And it's not being "sex positive" when gay men do it either. It's called settling. People do it out of fear of the unknown. It's just easier to be "comfortable" with a person you've known for a long time, then to take a chance that you might be able to find something more fulfilling.

The fact that "open" partners can't speak to each other about their liasons, and have to hide everything from their partner, speaks volumes. Keeping secrets, not sharing a part of your life with each other...oh yeah, that builds healthy relationships.

The fact is that I've known people who had rules for their "open" relationships, and both parties eventually broke the rules. It's all secretive anyway, so they don't end up feeling obliged to keep things honest.

What I really find funny is that people in open relationships always lie about them to everyone but their closest friends. They always pretend it's so wonderful, but the fact is there is always bitterness, jealousy and worry, and it doesn't come close to fixing the things that were wrong in the relationship in the first place.

R26...I'm not hiding anything dearest. I'm responding to people, and my opinion is completely consistent from one post to the next.I'm not "trolling" anything. I think "open" relationships are ridiculous, and I'm saying so. Don't like it, go find someone to trick with dear and leave.

Relationship? Twenty-four years, completely monogamous. I've never gotten an STD from my lover and he's never gotten one from me! We have friends who are also in long term monogamous relationships, and others who are still looking.

I'd like OP to be happy too. Not frozen in a fake relationship.

R27- wow. You're a sad sack, hon. No they're not all "arrangements"...some people actually love each other.

My late fiance and I had an open relationship for 20 years our engagement lasted. He was into men with pillow muscles and he liked to be shipped. I liked vanilla sex with hard bodied athletes.

R31- now that's an arrangement. Ever think you could have made a life with a partner with whom you were sexually compatible?

R28 is a sex-loathing, sixty-three year old virgin lesbian.

[quote]Then move on and look for someone new. I mean, you're not lesbians for christ's sake, stop acting like it. If you do it the right way, you can process your feelings and end things amicably. Don't make it messier than it has to be. Besides, moving in with the rebound you hooked up with while you were still with your last partner is ALWAYS a mess (just ask your lesbian friends).

Nice stereotype

Well, at this point I'll head out, because once the "sex positives" show up to defend their "arrangements", the party's over. :)

Don't settle OP. Be your current partner's friend, and end things amicably. Sort out your feelings for each other and move on. You both deserve to be with someone who loves you, and is both your companion and lover. Don't let cynics convince you that there aren't any loving monogamous relationships between gay men...that's their self loathing cynicism. Just because they've decided to settle for an "arrangement" doesn't mean you have to.

It'll be tough to be alone again after 12 years, but it won't be impossible. It's an opportunity for a growth experience. Don't spend another ten years drifting apart...that's unnecessary. You can still love each other and be friends. But don't play games. All this secretive bullshit in "open" relationships is just nonsense. And opening up a 12 year monogamous relationship is not going to fix what's broken. Do yourself and your partner a favor and move on.

I wonder if this purity troll has had a relationship that lasted.

WILL ALL THE FISH LEAVE THIS THREAD.

No woman has any say so in this. Fuck you. you dont understand male sex, so stop judging and projecting.

Oy veah,

ENOUGH, r37. You are messing up this thread.

R39 = fish who cant keep her labyia majora shut when it comes to judging men and gets mad when you call her out on it.

Jesus Christ. As far as I can tell there are no women in this thread. What's wrong with you assholes?

I agree with other posters. You and your partner are not in a good spot. Try a trial seperation where you allow yourself to date other guys and figure out if your relationship isn't so bad after all (the dating scene sure has changed since the last time you were single) or if it's better to start a new chapter in your life being single again.

Why not just call it what it is. You will be roomates.

We called it magic and then we called it tragic and finally, we called it quits.

This thread is the reason we need trolldar.

OP, I wish you luck (and not in a snarky way). I think it's great that you guys want to stay together and are willing to think outside the box to make sure it happens.

OP, dear one.

What isn't great now? If you still love each other, what is it that makes you want to consider changing your relationship in such a fundamental way, after (presumably) being monogamous for - how long? Were you really monogamous for 12 years, both of you, or did you just tell each other you were?

Anyway, if you both start taking on boyfriends, your relationship will end, and you'll be roommates who may or may not have sex at times. You'll be like business partners? You want that? And when one of you gets hot with a relationship it will all be over, with anger and recrimination. If you just agree to have sex partners on the side, you'll either feel slimy, or unfulfilled (since you've been in a relationship so long you're apparently wired that way, unless you've been holding back and sublimating a long time), or one of you will end up with a relationship anyway.

If you try threesomes, it may work on occasion but it's usually 2 1 in the end. One of you want to be the 1?

My partner and I started our relationship with an agreement that we wanted to have a primary relationship, to live together, to share our lives, but that it was unreasonable to expect that through a life we would never meet others or want other experiences. We agreed to have an "open" relationship, in that way. We promised to be discreet, to maintain the primacy of our relationship, not to take health risks, to treat people and ourselves with respect, and to share what seemed important to share, either because of relevance or how the relationships affected our own or could, or if we just felt the need.

It has worked that way for 30 years. There have been some interesting times, tense times, other relationships that caused concern and confusion, but the depth of our feelings for each other and the freedom we have felt within the relationship sustained us. Our arrangement, shared honestly with other people, certainly turned others off or left them feeling like they were being used or shut out or made less-than. All we could say was if the type of friendship able to be offered was not what was wanted, that was fine. That sort of dynamic didn't apply to one-time encounters, of course - seldom as they have been for both of us - but the freedom to go with the moment led to pleasurable times for us without a sense of betrayal.

I don't know if this kind of understanding would have been possible after we had established our relationship. By building it into our relationship at the start, it was a given. And, honestly, knowing it was always an option actually seemed to reduce the frequency of outside contacts. It wasn't a forbidden fruit. But changing from a determined monogamy after years would have seemed, probably, like an admission of loss, or a lessening of the bonds, or a change in the nature of the relationship.

So, there's one story and some thoughts.

Good luck getting at the real issues you're facing, OP. Change isn't bad, you know. Just don't feel like you've lost something if change is in order, because it's already changed, whatever you feel about it. Reality is more important than a romantic gloss.

"... he liked to be shipped"

What is "shipped"?

I found that when I tricked with guys is an open relationship, I got double fucked more often than not. This was seldom the case with cheaters. Cheaters always made it more exciting by saying, "my other half would be jealous as hell if saw your hot sexy (fill in the desired appendage).

I vote for cheating. My boihola will last longer.

Men fall in love with people they have great sex with. If your partner is having amazing sex with someone else, who happens to also be hotter than you, there's a high probability that he will fall for the other guy. Those of you who say "sex is just sex" are incredibly naive or just sluts.%0D %0D The primary thing that separates a romantic relationship from an ordinary friendship is sexual intimacy. If your partner is experiencing sexual intimacy with a number of other people than your relationship is no longer special and sacred. And don't expect anyone else to respect your relationship because they won't.

I've had the same experience with couples vs cheaters, R48. I prefer the couples.

[quote]Don't get into a dysfunctional mess like some of these queens, and have a pretend marriage that's really about two people desperately avoiding being alone.%0D %0D %0D What's wrong with not wanting to be alone? Companionship is just as important as sex. Moreso as you age. The pollyannas here tell you to end it and look elsewhere for your one true love as though he's right around the corner.

I don't think you open up a relationship when things aren't great. That just seems like a stop-gap before you separate.%0D %0D Opening up a relationship is something that happens naturally. You have to already share a healthy sex life together and open it up as an extension of that.%0D %0D Don't open up your relationship because it's on the rocks. Separate, get on with your lives.

If you and your partner want an open relationship, go for it. Just don't delude yourself that you still "love" each other. People in an open relationship do not love each other. You can't love someone and expose them to the potential of disease. You can be as careful as all get out with your tricks and you can still bring herpes and warts home to your partner. Herpes is lifelong, warts can lead to anal and oral cancer. Yeah, that's love. And what about the next STD? People wailed and gnashed their teeth in the aftermath of AIDS: "We just didn't know!" Well, now we know that sex can be fatal. There will be another AIDS-like STD, it could be circulating right now unbeknownst to any of us, and this one could be much easier to transmit. You can't love your partner and take that kind of risk with their health and life, just so you can get some strange cock.

You'd never be this cavalier about the health and life of your best friend, but hey, this is just the person you "love."

r46 your advice seems to conflict with your own experience. You're telling OP to not try out an open relationship even though you've been in one for 30 years?

[quote]You can't love someone and expose them to the potential of disease. You can be as careful as all get out with your tricks and you can still bring herpes and warts home to your partner.%0D %0D %0D Ever heard of safe sex and getting tested regularly?

[quote] He was into men with pillow muscles and he liked to be shipped.

Please don't flame me, but is that a typo or is it some kink that I have not experienced?

Pretty much every coupled guy I know fucks on the side - whether openly or not. One couple I know have been together for 25yrs (met in high school), mess around openly, yet have the healthiest relationship of anyone I know (straight or gay).

The problem is a lot of guys take on an open relationship the way some straight couples view having a child: they think it's going to fix everything that's currently wrong with their relationship. It won't. It'll just amplify the negatives.

I have no interest in dating anymore, so, take that as you may.

I also wants to know what being "shipped" means.

"Ever heard of safe sex and getting tested regularly?"

The correct term is "safer sex," as it acknowledges that you can do everything "right" and still get infected with HIV.

HIV is perhaps the most difficult STD to transmit and acquire. Others can easily be transmitted even when a condom is correctly used.

Are you going to be tested for the full battery of STDs after every sexual encounter with a third party before you once again have sex with your partner? That's the only way to fully protect your partner. And by the way, standard STD screening does not check for all diseases -- you'll have to ask for a herpes test, for example. (Just because you don't see any sores doesn't mean you don't have it and aren't spreading it.)

[quote]One couple I know have been together for 25yrs (met in high school), mess around openly, yet have the healthiest relationship of anyone I know %0D %0D %0D Are they gay men? If yeah, do they play together or seperately? It seems like many gay men who are in an open relationship always play seperately from their partners. Why is that?

I completely agree with R57. If an open relationship grows naturally out of the communication, personalities and the nature of you relationship then by all means.

However it can't be a band-aid to the try fix problems, that is absurd. An open relationship is not going to fix anything but it can certainly be a part of a happy relationship with some people.

And some of you people need to stop drinking disney kool-aid that means the end of your love just because you ejaculate with another person. Grow up and be a little more mature.

bump

BUMP!

Mine just suggested it. I am not pleased. I can't make myself feel serious about a lover if either of of is having sex with someone else.

Monogamous relationships that turn to open relationships eventually turn into, "See ya! I found someone I like better!"

I wouldn't recommend it.

Here's my story:

I've been with my partner for a little over thirteen years. About a year ago, I finally confronted him about a lack of sex in our relationship (only once every six months or so). We still love each other so much.

He admitted that his sexual desire has decreased and that he has not had a sex-drive since he went on an anti-depressant a few years ago. He doesn't think that he'll ever get back his libido, but he likes me to occasionally bring home a guy and to watch me getting fucked.

I wish that my partner were more committed to getting evaluated and to regain his libido, but for now, the situation seems to work. I am never with anyone who has not been in my partner's presence.

Bye, Bye, Love.

I pushed for an open relationship after we were together for three years. My sex drive is significantly higher than his, and I needed more, though I loved him. I told him that in order to save our relationship, I'll need to see other men, and that if he really loved me, he'd concede to my wishes. He finally agreed to it. For the first few months of this "openness," I was the only one taking advantage of the situation. He refused to hook up with anyone else, that is, until I forced the situation.%0D %0D %0D You see, I began to feel a twinge of guilt for all the hookups I was having, while he was sitting quietly at home waiting for me. It took some pushing, but I finally wore him down to where he had his first outside hookup. Guilt was the trick. I told him that in order to assuage my growing guilt, he'd need to hook up too. %0D %0D %0D I actually maneuvered his first time. We were in the steam room at the gym, and there was this really hot guy sitting next to us and cruising us. I told my bf to go for it. Fast forward five minutes later, and my bf is on the side of the steam room, on his knees, blowing the guy. I was so thrilled for him I wanted to cry LOL. Seriously, though, it was wonderful watching him become liberated in this sense. It got easier and easier for him with each successive hookup, and now he plays regularly, sometimes more than me. This really saved our relationship, and we're emotionally closer than ever. We're even thinking of adopting or going the surrogacy route.%0D %0D %0D IMO this is what makes us more progressive than hets. We acknowledge that we're sexual beings and can have all the nasty outside sex we want, but at the end of the day, we come home to each other because we love each other. It's a love made stronger and deeper by our honesty about our sexual needs. And with this strong, deep relationship, we feel we have the perfect environment in which to raise kids.%0D

Well done r69, since I can't tell if you're kidding.

Something else that bothers me about an open relationship is how unimaginable pissed off I'd be if I got an STD.

Wow, I was seriously thinking of suggesting an open relationship with my partner...but after reading all of this...Im not sure its worth it. I think I will just secretly cheat on him....

[quote] We are 48 and 52, and one of us is more attractive than the other.

Fixed that for you, OP.

"Shipped" as in relationSHIP. If someone is shipped they are paired up or seeking to be paired up.

Unless the poster meant his trick was into being shoved in a box and mailed out.

Well, your relationship lasted for as long as it was going to last. Nothing is forever.

[quote]Basically it's two single guys, who want to be single, but also want someone to split the rent, and be around when they feel like "acting" domestic.

And what's wrong with that, r17?

Whatever works, OP.

Get real, r17.

We're men with dicks in an age when humans live to 80 + years old. Monogamy is NOT right for male nature.

If OP takes your advice, he's just going to move in with another guy and start looking for fresh dick and ass. And he may be a lot less socially compatible with OP.

These urges will never go away and queer men don't need/want "emotional connection" with most sex.

Monogamy is good for your social and/or economic companion, but men need sexual variety and I would never trust a MALE partner who claims he doesn't.

Don't EVER ask your lesbian OR straight friends for advice on a gay, male relationship.

Male hormones, biology, needs, dynamics and abilities are WAY different from women's and heaters.' Simply put, we need and want VERY different things.

r17 is either aesexual or a mess.

What's good for women is NOT what's good for gay men, by and large.

Don't people realize that OP posted this thread 5 years ago?

You're going to date other people to save your relationship. Brilliant!

R57..your friends relationship sounds like mine. We met in college. Both acknowledged that we are whores. Our 30 year long partnership is solid as a rock and open to a degree. The rules.....oral sex only, don't fall in love and if you are not home that night don't bother coming back. Neither of us is interested in any kind of relationship with other men. Has worked beautifully for us . We only stray on occasion and still have great , regular sex with each other.

BTW some straight couples have open relationships, too. It's more common these days and it will only get more common as diseases are marginalized and people keep living longer and healthier.

R69, if you are still around, that was a joke, right?

OP. do you actually want to make it work? Open relationship isn't the answer. As others have mentioned, I've never seen an open relationship actually last. I know friends of mine were starting to have difficulties after about 15 years together - after discussing the possibility of taking a break or even having an open relationship, they actually sought a relationship counselor to discuss things first. Their issues weren't so much related to sex but as falling into habits and feeling bored. They were willing to work it out and they've now been together 26 years.

It is amazing how much horrible advice is being doled out here. It's gross that some posters are suggesting you break up because of their own ignorance about how relationships, monogamy, and non-monogamy can operate in 2015. You both recognize you're at a crossroads in your relationship. Presumably, you both love each other and are interested in exploring new options to keep the relationship going.

First, the sex stuff is only one part of this. Consider couples counseling and don't think it has to be an ongoing expense or obligation. One, two, or three sessions with a great therapist can transform your thinking and approach to conflicts. If there are problems, they can help identify what those are. The good ones are relationship experts, you are not an expert, and as with hiring any expert, you may go in thinking you're paying for them to help you solve a specific problem, but they're going to shine a light on shit you aren't even aware of.

When it comes to the sex stuff, GO SLOW. VERY SLOW. There is no rush. Do not engage sexually with others, you have a lot of education ahead of you before you can jump into that. Consider reading or listening to recent books on non-monogamy together. Discuss what your thoughts and feelings are. Remember that there's nothing right or wrong about how you feel about specific scenarios.

For example, some guys prefer the "don't ask, don't tell" approach, others think it's hot to watch their partner engage sexually with others. Some like the idea of threesomes. And within all of these scenarios, there are rules and boundaries that need to be established--protection, acts that are acceptable such as oral only, is it only okay outside of your city or with people outside of your social circle, etc. There's more than 20 specific elements to discuss and right now, you may not know how you feel about any of them. And your feeling on any issue might change in time. If you are true partners, you need to respect those changing feelings.

And again, start very slowly. Let's say you do prefer the idea of a threesome. Start slow. Create boundaries beforehand and honor those. Both of you might think you're okay with the idea of watching your partner have sex with another person, but it can be hard to put the genie back in the bottle. Going slowly means you start with maybe a mutual masturbation session with a new person. discuss how you feel after. Did you think it was hot? Did you get jealous? There's no right or wrong answer. And there's always time to have insane, wild, porno sex together or apart, but work up to that if that's what you want.

Call me old-fashioned but I'm a one-man man.

Surprising to see a thread from 2010 that hasn't been closed.