And I’m trying to check out of it all, but I cannot.
I’ve known him since I was a young adult. His best friend was my best friend for over 30 years, & his girlfriend was a party buddy of mine when I was a young adult.
I’ve known him forever.
He had two consecutive strokes around 13 years ago, & it’s been downhill, ever since.
Some background: we all used to do drugs together, & then I left the scene & got sober. Around a year, maybe a bit less, I was at a Cocaine Anonymous meeting, & lo & behold! He walked right up to me, shouted out my name, & said, “Hey! Glad you made it in! I’m sober, too!”
I was in my 20s when that happened. Today, I’m in my 50s.
He paid the price for partying HARD. He had two consecutive strokes around 13 years ago, & hasn’t been the same since.
I went through some horrible shit from 2015-2020, & by total chance, a mutual friend of ours hooked us back up, & advised that I could rent a place on his property. I did, & it saved my life in ways no one can understand, unless they’re me.
He now has dementia, & is currently sliding into the late stages. I believe he has less than a year left, & is currently hospitalized, as a result of how bad it had gotten recently.
I can’t sleep. I feel completely unmoored, & want to save him, only because I want to save myself, but if I’m honest? I know he’s slipping away.
Here’s a guy who believed in me when no one else would, & he’s dying.
I’m trying to sleep, but I cannot.
I feel totally unmoored from all things that might matter, & I just don’t know what to do.
I am not seeking counsel.
I just want to write about how the older we get? The less we have to ground us, unless we have our emotional shit together.
Don’t be me.
Get your emotional self together, so that you don’t fall apart when the scarce resources you have, fall apart.
I love him so, so much, & I will miss him terribly, once he’s gone.