Let’s be Charlie Kirk’s funeral

I'm the federal takeover of every network, cable and streaming service to broadcast and stream his funeral.

I’m the gaudy carriage that will hold his coffin as it snakes down mourner filled streets

I’m the dancing girls following that carriage

I'm Lara Trump singing "You're A Grand Old Flag."

I'm the once respected news anchors passionately eulogizing a man who said that empathy was "made-up" and "does a lot of damage."

I have no moral core and will go on TV and say anything if you pay me a lot.

I will be the local memorial events MAGA sets up all over the country

I will be the collective amnesia about Kirk that sets in soon after just as we have completely forgotten Rush Limbaugh

I’m the extra-strength mortician’s glue used to cover his lips over his gums.

Yeah that's not happening this time, R7.

Pay attention. Nothing is normal anymore.

I'm the Epstein files buried in his coffin.

CHAMPS for LULU!

I'm the right-wing haters who mourn Kirk's death and don't care about gun violence and the ongoing mass school shootings killing kids across the country.

"Get-cha Char-ley Koik Memorial Neck Scarves! BULL-ET PROOF!" Tweeny dollahs. Two-fa Fifteen.

I'm tacky MAGA commemorative paraphernalia cheaply produced in China.

I'm the Charlie Kirk statue replacing the MLK statue at the Capitol.

I’m the comparison to civil rights leaders in his eulogy

I’m the Go Fund Me announced to help the family. It will raise millions.

I’m the slew of political requests for donations based on his death

I’m the buttons for sale : “Im for Charlie!”

I'm Jadine Vance skipping a 9/11 memorial ceremony to fly Charlie Kirk's body home onboard Air Force Two like he's a former president and not a 2-bit podcaster who called for gay people to be stoned to death.

I'm the aromatic sachets tucked into pockets for odor defense in case we are seated near Resident Rump.

I’m the greedy wife licking her lips thinking about the GoFundMe money

I’m the grieving Melania. No more Charlie cock for her used up pusspuss

I'm the ridiculous teary-eyed speech that Van Jones will inevitably give on air.

I'm Trump, nodding off

I'm the wife training the kid on how to salute the coffin as it goes by.

OK. This saturation coverage and all the getting old. I'm fucking tired of it. There are other things going on in the world.

I’m Satan firing up the sulfur pits.

Oh, please, R22. Even Melania has a better taste in men.

I'm St. Peter, readying the trap door.

I’m all the pussy Dems who will rush to his funeral to “unite the country.”

I’m Trump holding back a fart because he’s not sure if it’s a poop.

oops. It’s a poop

I'm Pam Bondi's old leg bones cracking as she teeters back upright from curtseying to the coffin.

I'm reading of selected passages from "Mein Kampf" which Kirk requested in his funeral directions.

I'm the stench of human piss emanating from his grave after the funeral.

I'm tracking down the location of his grave, so I can dance on it

I'm his wife tap dancing on his grave while singing "Hey, Big Spender."

I'm Barron Trump at the funeral, looking at porn on my iPhone.

I'm Melania wearing something inappropriate.

I’m the widow Kirk desperately trying to grab the reins of his empire.

I’m the Datalounger accidentally calling him “Charlie Kirker” on TMZ.

I'm Scott Jennings, wailing and throwing myself on the coffin from absolute grief. While Im constantly shilling for MAGA on CNN, I want the Fox-watching MAGAs to see my devotion as well.

I'm JD Vance. When Charlie talked about gays being stoned to death, he wasn't talking about me and Peter Thiel...right? Right?!!

I’m his blood soaked freedom tee - after the funeral I’m looking for my spot in the Smithsonian.

I'm Nancy Mace, here to blame trans people

I'm throwing the first mound of dirt onto his casket as it is lowered into the ground.

Charlie Kirk was hateful, vile scum. Good riddance.

I'm Gwen Stefani singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" at the memorial.

I'm Kevin Sorbo, reciting the Lord's Prayer