Gen Z is sometimes framed as a "nation of virgins," Sherman writes, but our obsession with their lack of intercourse may really say more about our constant need to tell young people how to have sex. Rather than be corrective, she argues, we should focus on approaches that promote safe, consensual encounters and reduce shame.
Question: You share at the opening of the book you were obsessed with losing your virginity as a teen — sobbing to your mother when you learned a best friend lost theirs to a classmate before you. How is the idea of virginity impacting how we think about young people and sex?
I was so obsessed with my own [virginity]. Truly, my last few years of high school were dominated by my a total freak-out that I was still a virgin. I felt that I should have already had sex and my friends were leaving me behind by having sex, and I felt I wasn't living up to the standard of being a teenager. Part of my own journey in writing this book was coming to understand that standard was based on false information. You're either too virginal, or not virginal enough. There's no way to win. I don't think we've moved from the idea of virginity. At the end of the day many of the young people I spoke to felt their virginity was important, and some feel that their virginity was treated as too important.
We are always setting standards that don't match up to reality and make us feel worse about ourselves. What doesn't help is the level of shame people carry around and the feeling they're constantly doing it wrong.
Gen Z is absolutely aware of how much the overturning of Roe v. Wade has changed the U.S., and in particularly their sex lives. Sixteen percent of Gen Zers are now more hesitant to date since the fall of Roe. There are so many young women I talked to who shared a level of sheer anxiety that Roe's overturning sparked.
At the same time, you spoke with conservative youth, particularly men, and found that movements to embrace traditional sex roles have also complicated youth feelings about sex.
What I call "sexual conservatism" speaks to that. This is the movement to make it dangerous to have queer, unmarried or recreational sex. Sexual conservatism has done a much better job of speaking about the difficulties of raising a family in this country than progressives. It's very appealing for young people to go toward sexual conservatism because the only people they hear talking about it are those on the right.
Gen Z has so much online information about sex, including porn, at their fingertips. How does that impact their sex lives?
I really love how the internet has opened up discussions about what is sexuality. But social media also does this thing where it makes people extremely aware of the ways they believe they're falling short with sex. We're gauging our sexual value by likes, matches and follower counts. It makes people not want to engage in sex because they feel they have to look perfect naked in order to get naked. That's not a recipe for vulnerability or connection.
How does OnlyFans fit into all of this?
As Only Fans bleeds into mainstream social media, it becomes another metric whereby people evaluate themselves and make themselves also appear that way. For young people, the line between (real life) and virtual sex is very much diminishing and blurring. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, it's just how it is at this point. If we want to have conversations about sex, we have to acknowledge so much of young people's sex lives are shaped by the interactions they're having online.
What is your advice for older adults trying to relate Gen Z right now?
It's less about having the exact right information and more about approaching the topic with an empathetic attitude. Young people through the internet have more taken an approach to LGBTQ+ identities that is more iterative. Recognizing that and not treating that with suspicion is what's important for older people who might not understand what young people are going through.
