I hate my life.

Can we have your stuff? Or would you like us to arrange for donation?

That’s called passive suicide ideation and is a lot more common than one might think.

Suicide is ALWAYS an option!

Its okay to be a failure, most everybody is in some respect.

What does success even mean in life?

OP - has there EVER been a time in your life when you were at least content...or even HAPPY? And I'm talking about throughout your whole life - whether it was as a child, teen or adult.

R6, I have had moments of happiness, but the comedowns are brutal.

I've been pretty unhappy my whole life.

These past few years have been isolating and miserable, as if I'm being punished for something over and over and over again.

I've lost so much of myself that I will never get back.

I've tried to fix myself with Therapy etc. Doesn't work though (for me).

Find religion or a cult or something.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. One really effective way to feel better about yourself is to help others. Even something as simple as helping someone who is lost can remind you that you have value to the world. Check out where you stand in the world. Even the poor or underemployed is this country make it into the top 10% of "successful " in the world. If you have food to eat, a roof over your head, your health, and basic intelligence, you're not a failure. People lacking any one of those things would kill to be in your shoes. Honor them... and yourself.

You know, OP, I found myself saying "I hate my life" many, many times. But then, I added a phrase to it that made it all better, so to speak.

Yes, I do [bold]hate my life[/bold] -- [italic]right now.[/italic]

By adding "right now" to the phrase, you acknowledge that things could change at any minute, and all of a sudden, one day, you may actually [italic]love[/italic] your life!

So whenever I find myself saying. "I hate my life," I add "right now." I hate my life right now. But you never know -- things may get better! Leave it open-ended, and you leave yourself open to the opportunity for improvement.

It works for me.

Good luck!

I'm so sorry, OP. I know that this sounds like a stopgap measure and something you've heard before, but can you find refuge in some creative activity? Even a few hours of writing or drawing or painting or sculpting can make some appreciable difference in your mood and sense of joy and purpose. But I can see how this would be hard when you have these narratives dominate your life, such as feeling like you're being punished for a mistake that happened years ago. You have to turn off those narratives or find a way to get some distance from them, through creativity, meditation--something that challenges their negative power.

It’s a miracle to be alive. I hope you continue

Okay, you hate your life. What are or have you done to make your life better?

OP, I’m not thrilled about the state of my life nowadays either BUT I can also truthfully say that I’m a lot happier today than I was at this same time last year. So things do get better, little by little, if you give it time. Hang in there.

R1, that’s the unfunniest post I’ve read here in a VERY long time. FFS.

OP, you’ve had the wrong therapist. Try again? Interview more than one. And choose the one that you think will actually make you work, the one who will challenge you.

Anti-depressants, OP. Try some.

I'm sorry, OP. Have you seen the Conor McGregor nudes? No? Well, then, consider yourself lucky. It could always be worse.

Turn that frown upside down, OP.

Make a list of your positives OP. I’ve lost everything, been homeless, blew thru 2 small inheritances, but I’m ok. I’m not a drug addict and I made to social security. I have no family or friends left but I have many hobbies and interests and I’m pretty healthy. If I don’t get steeped in the Trump terribleness I’m fine. This is what I get so I made peace with it and I’m grateful (I know it sounds dopey).

OP, thanks for your response.

I'm going to ask a personal question since you came here with a pretty serious issue, and hopefully you don't take offense: do you use drugs, alcohol, marijuana or anything else that gives you a high?

I'm also going to reveal that I abuse alcohol (not currently), and have for about 20 years. I can honestly say that life has been pretty shitty for me, before AND after using alcohol. I can also say that I've hated my life most of my life - from childhood through adulthood. Like you, there have times of happiness, but they are almost invariably followed by longer periods of utter shittiness. Even now, I'm 56 years old, have $0 in retirement, no love relationships, no familial relationships and I don't make enough money to do anything spectacular. I also haven't had sex in over 5 years. And I stopped drinking about seven months ago, so don't have that euphoria anymore, either.

However, putting substances and any possible addiction issues aside, I find happiness in going overboard on things that DO give me pleasure. Of course I do...that's been why alcohol has been my companion on and off for 20 years. BUT, now that I'm not using that, I do OTHER things that bring me pleasure. For the first 4 1/2 months of the year, it was hiking trails. Now, I pour my energy and time (and what little money I have) into gardening. I like to make people laugh. I enjoy playing with my dog. Does my life still suck AFTER I do these things? Yes. But I DID feel better for a bit. And I have things to look forward to...the beauty of flowers, plants, vegetables, my own backyard.

Can you find just ONE thing that makes you feel good when you do it? None of the other parts of my life have changed...but these small things make me feel life is worth living. Also, it gives me hope that there is a chance I will meet someone, someday and maybe mend my familial relationships. I think what someone said upthread about helping others is true as well. Even in the smallest of ways. Compliment someone. Give them something to laugh about. Go out of your way to hold open a door or WHATEVER.

Your value on this planet is valid. You aren't at your expiration date yet. You have meaning and purpose. Just FIND it! Nerd out doing something that maybe no one else enjoys...but YOU do. Not serial raping or killing or maiming animals though. That's not okay.

Who knows...maybe you even already helped someone (or a few someones) on this thread. You matter.

Also, consider getting a pet. The act of caring for something or someone takes us outside ourselves and our own problems, and reminds us of our own worth.

Bleech. Snap out of it.

Give up, OP...

OP, it sounds like you are very angry at yourself and disappointed in yourself and the world. Maybe you have very good reasons to be. What criteria are you using to support your judgement of yourself as a loser? See if you can express your feelings safely instead of turning them against yourself. Success is not a constant process, not something you achieve like a degree or a destination your reach. I would urge you to find a competent therapist to help you explore these feelings AND finding a way to rebuild your self image. You are probably being VERY unfair to yourself.

r24 here, I mean to write success IS a constant process

Define failure. Everyone has a different opinion of what failure is.

Short solution - avoid anyone or avoid situations that make you feel like a failure. Find what makes you happy and do it. Don’t think about success in terms of money.

Project .Start FFing your betters on DL.

If you hate your life are you proactively doing anything to change what you hate about it or are you just sitting there waiting for something good to magically happen?

Don't say that, OP. You probably have a lot to offer, and have things a lot better off than a lot of people in the world.

Sure, things not always be great or perfect but you probably take for granted all the good things you DO have in the world and that you are good at. You might be someone's brightness or kindness.

OP, I'd like to help (as others undoubtedly do) and I hope this doesn't come across too blunt. But I'm not sure what your goal was when you posted this. Of course people here want to help.

If you hate your life, you're the one with the power to change it. That takes time and effort. Is there someone that is stopping you from living the life you'd like to live? Is it fear of change?

You mention you went to therapy and it "didn't work." I'd be interested in understanding what your expectations were with therapy. Therapy is not generally a quick fix, and it helps to have a specific goal to address. It can also hurt like hell or make you sad for weeks or months, but eventually, like pouring peroxide into a wound, exploring therapy will help you heal.

Yes, therapy is not for everyone, but it can be an incredibly useful tool. Therapists gently lead us to realize things that are either too difficult or traumatic to cope with alone, or try to nudge us to acknowledge and deal with something we are avoiding.

I've had some really great stuff happen in my life, but also not great. I'm not saying this to compete with your pain or diminish it...only to say that to compare yourself with others and judge yourself a failure is really self-defeating. If you feel like a failure......why? By what measurement? You are not them, and they are not you.

You may have unreached and unmet goals, and it may be 45, 50, 55, even 70 before you reach them. Of course, if you leave this Earth, or hide in a corner holding your pain, it's unlikely you'll reach them at all. If you're terrified of failing, you can embrace where you are and protect yourself. Or you can take steps toward change. It's up to you, and only you. I wish you the best and am cheering you on.

OP, I’m sorry you’re suffering. I’m not in your shoes, don’t know exactly how you’re feeling - but like a lot of us here - I’ve had my share of down times.

I’ve been dealing with depression for most of my life. Often enough, it’s quite manageable. But over the past few months, my depression spiked in a way I hadn’t experienced in about fifteen years. It was horrible, and while I had neither a plan nor the means to commit suicide, I certainly had suicidal thoughts.

Though I was getting good advice from strangers online as well as from the very few friends I opened up to, making the leap to actually TAKING that advice was hard. So hard. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and stay there.

My depression is still with me but I’m a lot better today. For whatever it’s worth, I want to share a super random list of things that have helped me.

> I love to stand by the fence at the neighborhood dog run and watch the dogs run and fetch sticks and balls and chase each other. I sometimes wish I were one of them. Watching them play brings me joy.

> Getting lost in a good book helps. A lot. If reading hasn’t typically been your thing, just go to your local library and ask for help in picking out a book. They love doing that. There are also tons of book threads on here.

> Do you live near a pond or a lake or a creek? I go to the ocean when I can - just to watch the waves or dip my toes in the water. No matter how bad I’ve been feeling, being near the water always lifts my spirits.

> Museums are useful for helping me get out of my head, break repetitive patterns of thought, or just get exposed to something new. Plus, I always see good looking men hanging out in museums. Asking them about the art they’re looking at has been a great way for me to shift my perspective, to experience something new. It can be way more interesting than getting stuck in inane talk on the hookup apps.

The challenge when you feel depressed is often not about WHAT to do, but how to force yourself out of the house to do it.

OP, I get how tempting it can be to isolate. But I urge you to push yourself to go outside, go for a walk somewhere green, or just even have a little chat with another shopper the next time you’re at the market. Small steps.

Hoping tomorrow is at least a tiny bit brighter for you.

R15 - are you new here?

OP - others have given some great advice. It's up to you choose not to view yourself as a failure, and to find things to do that make you feel better. It doesn't have to be expensive. Can you afford a pet? Grow some plants. Learn to cook. Get a library card.

Did OP retreat because of all the helpful posts here? Maybe he wasn't expecting such a kind turnout, and was hoping for posters to be nasty and blow him up for being a crybaby.

Surprise! There are some useful dregs of humanity on DL still.

Actually, r33, I'm surprised at the kind responses here. I really appreciated it.

To give myself away, I'm going through a mental crisis at the moment, and have just posted under my signed post name on the Things to Do In Philadelphia thread.

Look, I hate it when people say "I have PSTD" and they're not Vietnam Vets. But I may have it, as the last two years have been soul crushing. So much has fallen apart, I've lost so much, friend and family wise and also material wise. Like, everything.

Except my cat, whom I adore with all my heart and unconditionally loves me.

Struggling to get treatment right now, as I just got my insurance from work.

OP, you've come to the right place.

Forget SSRIs (anti-depressants) and talk therapy, if that hasn't been successful.

Microdosing psylocibin will probably work and change your brain to be more positive. Yes, I've written about this one other threads and it's repetitive - but it's been like a miracle for me and for my friend and thousands of others.

Your brain has been trained to think negatively after so many years - started when you were young and unable to process or understand your emotions and how the world was interacting with you.

The Army did a study of over 10,000 soldiers with PTSD - something like 87% saw substantial to almost complete recovery using psylocibin microdosing.

You don't have to go through life a slave to your brain and its negative thinking. You're probably so used to it - and it's formed that way - it's almost impossible to change it through talk therapy or through SSRIs, which just mask the problem and have a whole world of negative side effects.

If you see someone without a smile, give him yours.

Here's a UCSF study about psylocibin treatment - you don't need to read the whole thing - just look at the 3 pics of people's brains at the top.

Psylocibin can improve brain elasticity, which opens up your mind to think differently and establish new pathways. There's so much evidence for this.

I'm convinced the negative thinking and depression from your teen years and early 20s permanently changes how you react to the world.

You can reverse this and your brain can be 'reset' to factory settings to be more positive. Trust me - it happened to me. Now when a negative thought comes in my head, I sit with it and then dismiss it within 15-30 seconds as bullshit almost automatically - whereas before, I would sit with it and ruminate and it would get worse.

You don't have to go through life like this - so many of us gays were victims of bullying, of negative social reactions to us, of family not being fully supportive. And it fucking wrecked our brains as well. It's not an accident that so many gays and lesbians have had alcohol and drug problems - our rates of abuses are SO much higher than other groups.

My two cents - it's worth the money - insurance however typically does not cover it.

Thank you R38, I will ask a psychotherapist about it when I find one.

I will happily pay out of pocket for it.

R39 It's a hallucinogenic found in mushrooms.

Also known as "shrooms."

Ok, I'm going to tell you in a nutshell what happened.

Precovid I had an insane affair with a guy I knew from college. I'd known him since 1999-2000.

We became really, really close in Philly around 2016-2019.

He got married to an incredible girl, while he hid a heroin problem from her. I did it a few times with him, but NEVER to his extent (he once bout 65 bags in Camden). I hated, hated, hated heroin.

In 2019, he decided he was "pansexual" or whatever, and our crazy intense affair began behind his wife's back. I was crazy about this guy for years, it was impossible for me to say "no." Plus he threw a great fuck and told me he loved me more than her.

It ended as badly as you'd expect, overnight actually. His wife, I assume, still has no idea what happened, and I assume he told her horrific lies about why I suddenly disappeared from his life.

During covid, I lost my awesome hotel job. Got bored, and discovered an outlet to get cocaine. I was a coke head for the next two years. Even when I got my job back after covid, I was still doing coke in the employee bathroom. But that's over now. I will never touch it, or a stimulant again, not even the Adderall that I had been prescribed.. But it does, I believe, have a residual effect that stays with you. I lost several of my best friends due to my addiction, and I'm still not over the loss. I want my friends back. You lose people when you're an addict. That's a fact.

Then, my apartment I'd lived in for over a decade was sold, my unicorn apt in an incredible neighborhood-I won't even tell you how low my rent was because you wouldn't believe me. I realized I had to get away from Philly, so I moved to my best friend's in Lancaster. She had son who was a racist, MAGA, nightmare who lived with her. And she was a raging alcoholic, which I learned too late. He was also a raging, violent alcoholic who hated me and was intent on ruining my life. It worked.

I left Lancaster, and all my belongings, in the late summer of 2024. Something horrific happened at the house in September and I wound up with 2 broken wrists.

My mom, in another state, literally kidnapped my cat and me, and I took everything I could fit in her car, to her home in another state.

My "best friend" then went off the rails, wound up in prison, and lost her house to the bank this past December, including all my belongings. My poor fish tank-all the fish died from neglect.

All my stuff - gone. I have nothing but clothes and my cat, and thankfully a home far away from it all.

This is actually the first time I've talked about it since, and I'm leaving out a LOT of horrific things that I can't relive.

Almost a year later, with healed wrists, I can't let it stop haunting me.

R39 - you may find resistance from them. Some of them insist on talk therapy and want to fill their calendar for months with your visits. Also, there are issues of legality and some may not touch it.

You can find an online website that offers it with a therapist on staff. But the thing is - outside of checking in with the therapist, you're not really working much with them. You're just allowing the microdoses to 'do its thing'.

Others may want to do more macro or full doses in a therapist setting - I'm not necessarily opposed to that, but I truly believe your mind has to 'bathe' in the psylocibin at low levels for a few weeks to actually change it.

A lot of people are looking at standard tripping doses (4-5g) as actually mushroom overdoses. That's what we've all been raised with - a heavy mushroom trippy experience.

But microdoses (150g to 600g) have a very quick mood lift and you're still very functional. Believe it or not, Mayim Bialik (PHd in Neuroscience) had a really informative YouTube video about this - and she was very skeptical.

OP, are you dealing with bipolar disorder? Have you consulted with a psychiatrist?

Yes, r44, I was diagnosed bipolar and manic many years ago. I have been off and on in treatment, but juggling jobs, it's hard to get help without insurance.

OP/R42 I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You did not deserve any of these awful things that have happened to you.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with a coke addiction and I'm glad you seem to be over that. I'm also sorry you ended up in the hands of people that abused you and that led to events that caused the loss of your possessions and some of your pets.

All you can do now is move forward, one step at a time. I'm not sure what your income situation is, but you can recover. You have your health, it seems, your cat, and your mother. You have a roof over your head. You can start over. I know it completely sucks, but in time you will find enjoyment again. Life can have its downs, for sure. I am also going through a downturn; my best friend just died. It completely sucks. But I know things will eventually get better, as much as this hurts and as much as I was not prepared to lose this friend.

Sending you peace and well wishes,

OP, why on earth did you not go to the Lancaster police and tell them all your belongings were in that house and request an escort to go get your things? The police do that every day. Some of your misery is, I'm sorry to say, self caused. Others are the occurrences of life. You may have had some really bad experiences but trust me on one thing, there are hordes of people who have it far worse than you. If you're diagnosed bi-polar and have no insurance get yourself to your nearest public heath office and see what they can do for you. It appears you wake up every day with the expectations that it's going to be another miserable day. We more often than not get what we expect. Start expecting better days, do whatever you can do to make the days better little by little and eventually you will begin to see your days get better.

Good luck.

R42 Have you tried going to AA or some support group? Be thankful you got away from a horrible situation and I'm glad you still have your cat.

I hear it's painless. Brings on many changes.

R42 - oh God - yeah, that's severe trauma.

I bet you can't get over how much your life has changed for the worse and beat yourself up over it every day. This negative thought thinking is so destructive and going to ruin you if you don't fix it.

It's a setback - it's done. You have to move forward - that's why I strongly suggest the psylocibin to get you out of this thinking - FAST. It works incredibly quickly.

Also, it has been found to work on addictions of all kinds - alcohol, anorexia, drugs, etc.

AA is just going to be a long-term thing of you listening to other people - it's a long haul system that actually doesn't have great results, despite what they put out there.

Yes I know it sounds like I'm really pushing the psylocibin micro dosing, but I'm confident it's going to help you FAST and more permanently than any other solution provided on this thread.

"why on earth did you not go to the Lancaster police and tell them all your belongings were in that house and request an escort to go get your things?"

R47, I moved over 350 miles away, I had not been in contact with her, and I didn't want to be. "Stuff" is not as important as "Sanity." Plus she had blocked me on all media. Her brother did manage to save my record collection and leave with a friend THANK GOD, but my big ticket furniture items are now auctioned off I guess. I will say, that I still have a few possessions, including my precious artwork, in storage in Philly right now.

"Some of your misery is, I'm sorry to say, self caused." Yes, I know that. Nobody forced a straw and a plate under my nose, I did it myself. I made the choice to have an affair with a married guy, and yes, that is why I'm haunted and hate my life so much right now. Do you now what it's like to wake up every day, blaming yourself for everything you've fucked up in life? It's not pleasant, not pleasant at all.

R48, I did go to AA for the addiction, never rehab. I went with a friend to AA, and it helped immensely. The stories I heard, relayed in thick South Philly accents, are stuck to my bones for life. I will never do coke, or drugs, not even weed (it's legal where I am now) again.

This is the first time I've talked about any of this in over a year.

[quote] Get a library card.

But check under the table first if you see an attractive man there.

Enroll in a class at the local community college.

There is a lot of great advice here. I'll add one of my own. When you don't know what to do and are feeling lost, double down on your self-care. Take the best care of yourself that you possibly can, like you were your own baby. Take yourself to bed at a reasonable hour, eat healthy meals, go out for a walk, etc.

I know this sounds basic and easier said than done, but a lot of people wait for something to change in their lives before they start taking care of themselves. I've found that instead of waiting for things to be good to myself, I instead focus on my well-being and self-care, and after a short period of time, I notice that things begin to shift and change for the better.

Make a list of non-negotiable self-care habits you can accomplish now, like taking a daily shower, eating one hot meal, whatever you feel you can do, and go from there.

Good luck, Toots, we're rooting for you!

OP, are you in the US? If so, what state? There are options for people without insurance in many states and cities.

I hate men.

R54, I work a full time job 9-5 M-F, and an overnight job on Fri. & Sat. When I'm not working, I'm sleeping, trust me.

I have insurance now. I'm trying to find a psychotherapist, but not having any luck.

I signed up for a Teledoc apt, and it's tomorrow but will be $220! With my insurance. I can't fuck around, I need this appt.

R55, I was actually better off without insurance on medicaid. There's a reason healthcare CEOs get blasted away in the streets.

r54 I LOVE that advice.

I'm in my mid-50s and it's taken me until just this year(!) to realize instead of medicating myself or finding a relationship or trying to schedule a hookup - instead of looking outside myself for fulfillment - it actually FEELS GOOD to BE GOOD to myself.

I think maybe it's because I was really neglected as a child. My mother didn't know how to mother. I mean, she didn't even do the "aww, it's going to be okay" kiss your boo-boo thing. She really didn't have that mother gene in her. She was a worker, and knew how to get shit done, but she was not the mothering kind. When you don't receive that kind of nurturing/caring when you are in your childhood, it's hard to realize how that affects you for the rest of your life.

Anyways, sorry...sidetrack and I don't even know if OP has experienced non-nuturing. But I will agree with OP - the insurance when I was unemployed and on Medicaid was awesome. I needed some imagery (think: CTs, MRIs) and some other specialized treatment for a medical condition and I didn't have to wait for it nor pay out of pocket. That was back in 2018 - 2023. Can't imagine what it's like today though with cuts.

Oh you're just a little sadass!!

OP are you Trans or Non-binary?

My last streak of suicidal ideation was because I had a psychopath for a boss, and my career was unraveling around me. I changed jobs and took back my life in that regard, and it got better.

My current streak is due to crippling loneliness and boredom with life. My old friends have all partnered up and moved away, and it's hard to make new friends once you're past 35. Everything near me revolves around team sports or loads of alcohol. And to top it all off, I just find people...exhausting, y'know? I don't have the energy to make all new friends, and sift through the weirdos and horny old men to find good friends. I ask myself whether this is adult life for the single man - you work, you pay your bills, you keep a tidy place, and then you start all over tomorrow - and I want to say fuck it and leave the movie early.

The world is your oyster. Go to a sex club, there will be twentysomethings with daddy issues that will be more than happy to at least suck some daddy cock. Go home, watch a GG rerun, grab some bon bons outta the freezer and call it a Friday night.

I hate this thread

Let Sadness see what Happy does

Let Happy be where Sadness was

I hate my life too. Made some bad choices in life. Now I'm close to 40. I have no friends, no career (I actually hate my job) and I live in a shitty little town.

Rephrase please:

I haven't committed suicide.... YET!

Checking in on you, OP. Has anything on this thread helped you?

Move to another country.

Really.

It's life changing.

R67, absolutely this thread has helped.

I haven't talked about any of this to anyone, I haven't put into words before what I wrote at R42.

I have a psychotherapist appt tonight, my first since everything fell apart, and I hope to start meds again ASAP.

I am practicing self care in increments. I've given up caffeine, no coffee or tea at ALL, and I feel a lot better. I work 2 overnights a week in addition to my 40 hour a week day job, and I am much more rested. Even my dreams are different and calmer.

My God, this is the first time since I've started coming here in 2005 that DL has helped me OUT of a breakdown.

OP I'm accepting applications for new moderators.

This is really good news, R69/OP. I hope the therapy appointment tonight goes well. The nightmare you were in would've destroyed a less resilient person (two broken wrists at once), but you took steps and you continue to move forward.

Op here, just thanking you all for your support. I’ve been on my meds for over a month now, getting treatment, and generally feeling very good.

I’m glad I wrote down what happened to me because, to quote Ronee Blakely,

“writin’ it down kinda makes me feel better

Keeps me away from them blues

I wanna be nice to you, treat you right

But how long am I gonna pay these dues?”

We still don’t care.

Same, OP. I'm on SSRIs, but they barely help. I cried again yesterday.

OP, yikes, that (R42) is a lot of destabilization and trauma. I hope these next several years go much easier on you. Good to hear your updates this past month.

Ok we do care, sorry.

It’s Friday and I hope you love your life! 🥰

OP, I wouldn’t dispute that you need counseling for mental health, but in addition to that you need someone like a professional life coach. You need someone to go through your past and help you see not only the mistakes you made in life that brought these things upon yourself, but also how to appropriately learn from the mistakes to see how you need to change yourself and your way of thinking to start making good, or at least not bad, life choices.

It’s “normal” for someone who has made as many bad life choices as you have to feel down. Changing course and making good life choices will brighten your future.

R42 Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to? I have been on SSRIs for years. The only thing that helped was finally getting a therapist. I was suicidal. She saved my life. I finally got someone I could talk to.

Is this Lizzo? Just have the damn stomach stapling.