Let’s Be Strip Mall Chinese Food

I’m the crab Rangoon. Very little crab. Not from Rangoon. Hot as hell. But delicious.

It pisses off my Burmese friend, also hot as hell, who says it has nothing to do with Burma.

I’m the sushi part of the menu, that has rolls with beef and chicken due to regional “tastes”.

I’m choice of egg roll or can of soda with lunch special but you can’t have both.

I'm the baby corn that somehow ends up on your plate even though you didn't order anything with baby corn.

It may don’t be looking like it but it taste damn good. I mean it’s terrible nutrition but you know what I mean. Them samples be busting too.

I’m the fried chicken now being served at these spots just like the hood Chinese spots.

In the fried rice that tastes steamed. Im the artificial tasting fortune cookies.

I'm the human trafficked kitchen staff from some podunk city in China.

OP has nothing on me!

I'm the refusal to pay any type of taxes or follow any health and safety regulations. Also the strong encouragement that everyone pays in cash.

I’m the washed-out looking Asian woman who may or may not be a human trafficking victim, and may or may not have any choice in doing this job.

(It’s even worse at those suburban Chinese buffet places)

I’m the requisite buffet. Because fat diners only recognize the quantity of available food, but not the quality. “$30 bucks is a great deal, it’s all you can eat!”

R10 are you American.

Where the hell that ho live at. I’ve have never encountered a Chinese fast casual at the mall that didn’t accept debit/credit nor that seem to be actively violating any health standards. They seem pretty pristine actually. Are these some ghetto malls in the backstreets of Detroit something?

Oooos OP did say strip mall. Me mad. I was thinking mall mall.

I’m the one item that is very good. I will never be seen on the buffer again.

I'm the rating from the Health Department. It's well hidden.

I’m the noise from all the people cooking and chattering, the phone ringing, the staff yelling instructions, yet somehow they always get my order right.

I’m rolling the dice. If you are in area or town you have never been to you are playing around. You betta hit up Panda. There are so many Chinese take out spots in America. 80% of them are trash. I don’t gamble with my pallet.

I'm Springfield, MO's version of cashew chicken.

Chicken Soo Guy

R18 Pallet? Oh, dear.

No, we certainly wouldn’t want to distress that flat wooden thing you use to ship your merchandise.

R19, thanks for posting that. I had no idea - interesting article.

I'm the pretty hostess, with the nice body who speaks very little English. I work the lunch crowd, and at 3 pm I go to the 'Happy Lotus Spa' next door and work as a masseur until midnight.

I’m the Chinese zodiac placemat.

I'm the fat white family who think that they are getting authentic Chinese food.

I work the front counter. When you call to order food I will always, without fail, say “thank you! 10-15 minutes” whether we have 4 orders ahead of your or 40 orders ahead of you.

I was beside myself to find frog 🐸 legs in my Happy Family.

I’m the cat who accidentally sat on the eggs rolls to be fried later.

Egg rolls* I’m tired of the no edit function thing

Cartwright, party of four!

R25 fat, low brow, fat white people absolutely do not care about authenticity - they want cheap and lots of food.

The ridiculous search for "authentic" food is exclusively the domain of the white folks who make up the middle to upper class, especially the managerial and creative classes.

r18 Perhaps they will let you make your pallet on the floor . . .

Every dish tastes the same.

We're Ron and Sheila Albright. Our Chinese food in Blaine is as good as any in China.

^Ron and Sheila Albertson. We were Albright before witness protection.

R26 And I your order, whether it's No. 4 or No. 40 that is ready in 10-15 minutes.

I'm the owner's 11 year old son that is working the cash register after school and on weekends.

I’m the delicious fried crunchies

I'm the string of bells on the front door

Yall do realize outside of the northeast corridor and Chicago and I guess San Fran a lot of quality Chinese restaurants are indeed in strip malls. I’m talking solid well reviewed restaurants with wait service. Strip malls are on steroids outside the northeast because they aren’t just relegated to the burbs but also existing widely throughout the actual cities.

I'm the not enough napkins. And you're forced to ask for them. They're not out on the counter.

R40: You can find very good Chinese in Northeast or California strip malls, but you also can find really dreadful Chinese, too.

I’m the huge waterbug in the General Tso’s chicken.

I come very very close to being eaten because I closely resemble the chicken in the container.

But the eater notices the spines on my legs and jumps up out of his seat.

I'm the damn lie on the take-out menu saying that there is no MSG in any of our selections.

I’m the mock duck option and the poor celiac who chose it.

I’m the greasy and sticky… everything. But never a knife in sight.

I'm Xiao, the closeted dishwasher. I have dreams of opening my own restaurant someday with the money I'm earning from gay porn scenes (NSFW).

I’m permanent sign: “Sale— Sushi 50% off”

R44 = Sophia Petrillo