Are you faking through life?

Gurl, you know damn well it does. It's THE malaise of our time.

I'm a Gemini so it's doubly hard for me.

Everyone is faking it, so play along

I'm a terrible actor and can't pull any of that off on a consistent basis.

Therefore and thusly, I cocoon in my very comfortable home.

I have the luxury of doing that at this point as I'm nearing retirement and no longer trying to build a career.

No doubt I would have gone further in my career had I been a better actor.

Well, I’m going through a particularly tough time right now. Thanks to Trump’s tariffs I was laid off and here I am looking for a new job at 63.

I know I’m not alone, but I seem to be paralyzed by a lack of confidence and an abundance of anxiety. So I’m getting in my own way by avoiding the job search. And because I don’t want to worry my kids I’m keeping it all in and pretending to be just fine.

The only time I’m not faking it is when I see my granddaughter, either in person or the daily videos. She never fails to bring me joy.

Oh well, I got myself into this mess. It’s my own fault I can’t retire. I’ll just have to kick my ass into gear and dig myself out.

I really will be fine. I’m not alone.

You're supposed to fake it until you make it OP! Ha! Are you joyful inside yourself? If you are you won. If not, cut the toxic things out of your life. I don't believe in necessary evil and it's lead me to end relationships with one parent and narcissistic friends. I only focus on the goodness in my life and while there are things out of my control sometimes I can control my reaction and keep my sanity and happiness

I try to hide my physical pain from rheumatoid arthritis. If I allowed myself, I could detail it for days but I don't want to be a chronic complainer. As a result I I don't talk much about anything when my pain is most intense.

It’s crazy how quickly life is zipping by and I’ve gotten by faking it—to the point that I’m not sure I’ve actually accomplished anything of significance

I am not a homosexual but I play one on TV!

This is specifically an American disease.

It goes hand in hand with being fake friends; being fake concerned about what you eat; pretending that your work colleagues are your friends; pretending that your work is important and meaningful and fulfilling of your deepest dreams; and showing fake enthusiasm for everybody and everything.

Impostor syndrome is indeed widespread. At least if you acknowledge the syndrome there's a better core self doing the acknowledging, perhaps to emerge at a later date. Vast difficulties arise without any such acknowledgement, and we daily face the worst most prominent example.

OP - you sound depressed.

I posted this in other threads - but I went on a psylocibin microdosing schedule for a few months and it completely changed my brain for the better. I enjoy seeing people, getting out and seeing nature and am generally so much less stressed and anxious.

When a negative thought comes in my head, it sits for about 15 seconds, then I wipe it away and say it's bullshit. My best friend is going through the same therapy now after seeing my results and she's having the same breakthroughs.

You can reset your brain and how you view the world - I never thought it would work, but it did for me and there is plenty of research on it now.

I highly recommend it. Truly life changing.

It's not always clear what faking it is, and sometimes there are conflicting layers. If you feel like wearing a swimsuit all day on a day when dressing somewhat more somberly would be considerate of the bereaved for the funeral you attend that day because of your affection for the family who experienced the loss, are you going to be shallowly self-indulgent and wear the swimsuit to the funeral on the pretext of not faking your clothing choices, or might there be a deeper genuineness (and thus not faking it) in being considerate of the bereaved and so wearing the more somber attire? People often try to present small-minded self-indulgence as being some kind of inherently virtuous form of "being authentic"; but there's nothing virtuous about letting selfishness trump reasonable consideration.

Not anymore. I have largely withdrawn.

R5 Different circumstances, but oh boy do I relate to what you write. I am in a similar situation and feel the exact same way you do.

This whole thread is extremely relatable for me. Happy to see I’m not alone.

Only because i'm still working and therefore tethered to living here, in the wasteland of North. Once I retire i'm moving to Greece and fuck the world. The mask comes OFF.

Man, sometimes I wish I could have faked it more and better. Faking is necessary whether it be a job or relationship. Not all the time certainly, but letting people know what you really think and feel is rarely appreciated. I learned to keep my mouth shut at meetings after I realized whatever you say is just sticking your head above the parapet. I left several jobs because they required so much bullshitting I couldn't understand how people did it. I wasn't judging them, I wanted to BE them. If I had managed to stay in a few of these jobs I'd have a LOT more money. When I was unemployed for a year during the recession my blood pressure went DOWN. Now I'm retired and review the play that was my life.

All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,

Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;

And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel

And shining morning face, creeping like snail

Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,

Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad

Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,

Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,

Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,

Seeking the bubble reputation

Even in the cannon’s mouth.

And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion;

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

"I was ashamed of myself when I realized that life was a costume party, and I attended with my real face"

Franz Kafka

Somebody said it upthread: we're all faking it.

I try not to fake it, and as a result, have lost some familial relationships specifically because I'm unwilling to pretend that a family member hitching her wagon and having a baby with a batshit crazy, unbalanced, dangerous person wasn't right and I refused to "make nice" with this asshole (much less spend time with him) for the sake of "everyone getting along." It really went (and still does go) against my principles. I believe she's unsafe in the relationship, and she's put her kids at risk (including the one she had with him a few years ago).

But I also believe we're playing a part here on earth, and when we die, we rejoin a collective of consciousness that we've known since time immortal. And depending on how good we fake it here on earth, when we get back to that collective, they'll probably all be there, breaking out in applause and yelling "Bravo! You really went for it down there! Great job!" if we had an especially traumatic and shitty life. Then we'll sit down to a nice, long dinner with great wine and music and reminisce about the old days/lives.

At least, that's the hope.

Yes, I am a contractor and have been working intermittently since 2021. It's hard anymore to summon the level of false enthusiasm needed for interviews. I would like to be retired.

Yes, I have to deal with other people throughout the day, and it's probably not good for my career if I just scream at everyone all day.

R15 Wishing you the best and some virtual moral support

Massive introvert here.

Faking it has been a necessary them in my life.

I thought everyone does this. Faking is how you survive life.

^ "theme"

R20 I totally feel you. I am interviewing with two places now and it takes everything in my body to summon up the fakeness needed to go into these.

Opening LinkedIn and scanning through the absolute tsunami of fakeness there also takes everything I’ve got.

I hate the working world today.

I am a Gemini as well. I always show the word the one twin. He is authentic for the stupid people I see and meet every day. Then the other twin is a quiet bookworm only my husband and children get see him. He is more everyday because he values his family, his books, his music, and his movies. No one has ever come close to him except my husband- but he has known me all of lives.

Introvert here as well but I developed an alternate in my first jobs in service positions. In a sense, I felt more secure than some of my contemporaries. I didn't have to be me so it seemed easier when dealing with abusive customers, clients. It was all a lie so sales pitches were part of the mask.

But eventually it takes a toll. A drink takes the edge off. That's how it starts. Then some coke. Then tranqs to turn it all off. In my personal life I went from being a polite listener to a raging drunken asshole. The sales persona had taken over.

That was years ago.

And now, r26?

Mostly not, but I've been underperforming / slacking off at my job for a while and they're finally starting to catch on. So now I need to fake-care and be fake-motivated to be a better employee. Or quit, or likely get fired at some point.

Years ago my sister told me about a situation with her lovely, intelligent teenaged daughter. My niece was going through that sullen, uncommunicative stage with her family. My sister, being a pretty sensitive mom, let her be.

It was her little brother who confronted her about her withdrawal. She said, "I'm faking it every minute I'm out there, do I have to fake it with my family too?"

Blew my mind it starts so early.

[quote] She said, "I'm faking it every minute I'm out there, do I have to fake it with my family too?"

Wow.

I've been faking with a "don't give a shit" attitude. In reality I'm deeply depressed and anxious about my future. I m 51 and am really worried because I don't have a job and can't get an interview, even with the state.

I recently bumped my lexapro back up to 20mg. Between work anxiety and Trump, I need it.

We all wear masks and many hats.

No one is the same person at home that they are at work. Or with friends. Or on vacation. Or talking with neighbors. Or their partner. Or their ex.

We all play different parts and we all emphasize different personality traits in different situations. The real you is who you are when you're alone.

Simon and Garfunkel

You don't have a true self OP. This "self" didn't exist before you were born and will not exist after you die because it is made up by your mind.

“All the world’s a stage.”

R38 - No - I'm pretty sure that quote is from the band Rush.

I don’t fake it. I gave up trying to be like what I thought was normal years ago. I’m retired so that makes it easier.

We are all conditioned from childhood to make a strong effort to conform - first to the needs of our parents and how they want us to be, and later, to society as a whole and what it wants everyone to be. But there's no person who actually fits. Society is a board of round holes and we're all square pegs being constantly pounded into them. The very happiest among us are those who cultivate eccentricity - not eccentricity for the purpose of being eccentric, but eccentricity because they are being themselves and not the person society thinks they should be.

Society would really like for us to have houses that are constantly neat and tidy. It wants us to get up at 6:30 and go to bed at 10. It wants us to have beautifully maintained gardens and nicely swept front walks and to go into debt to have the nicest cars and best houses. It wants us to accept unquestioning that the best way to be happy is to strive for more money and/or a more prestigious, well-paying job, and to paste a smile on our face day in and day out. . It wants us to never EVER listen to our own hearts or to pursue the passions that surge up within us. It wants girls to act feminine, and boys to act masculine. And it has its ways of punishing those who don't conform - shunning, teasing, jeering, unking laughter, even physical violence.

So, yes, most people are faking it, thinking that that's how they will find happiness.

#gazaStrong

R12, how do you get psylocibin? Asking for a friend.

R12 is it a diy microdose regimen or guided by a therapist?

R26 I agree that LinkedIn has a creeping artificiality to it. Too much self-aggrandizement (“I’m thrilled to announce…”) and also some really irritable fawning over higher profile and more successful acquaintances.

I see a lot of inelegantly cloaked pitches for consultation and advisory services. I sometimes want to ask “If you’re so good at my job, why don’t you have your own?”

My sympathies, R20. I don't envy any decent human "the level of false enthusiasm needed for interviews." And even more, one in the later arc of his career.

I lived in Washington DC for many years, a place with more than its fair share of career cunts who will --entirely unprovoked-- unleash a torrent of LinkedIn babble to anyone within hearing range for a captive 2-hour flight: the job duties as Junior Assistant Acting Deputy on Internal Expenses Monthly Reporting; the vital importance of said reports; the company's challenging growth goals for the year after an exceptional 2024, and a suspiciously high number of crazy quotes from that Jim Thomassen in Sales, who always says "well, Monica, that's why they call it work! (He's such a hoot!)"

There should be a wood chipper for these people who want to spread their LinkedIn brand of Kool-Aid Gospel. Being able to speak intelligently and with some hint of broader perspective and insight is, I suppose, an evil of job interviewing. But fucking Christ, what a freakshow it is in reality.

Best of luck.

Fake. Fake. Fake, fake.

I'm so reclusive that it doesn't matter if I act like a rude freak. I have no kind of tangible connection with any other human being.

I think we all do it to an extent. I especially do it at work, but given I'm paid to be there, I think that's expected. I rarely post on LinkedIn, as I agree it can be pretty nauseating. I didn't even really want to be on there, but a couple of colleagues seemed surprised when I said I wasn't so I registered (again, more conforming).

If anyone's got Netflix, I recommend an episode of a series on there called Black Mirror that parodies the stuff being discussed here. The episode is called Nosedive (season 3, episode 1). It portrays a parallel world that has an extreme version of people-pleasing where pretty much everyone rates each other based off every interaction they have. Inevitably it leads to people desperately trying to maintain their average social score (I believe the author got inspiration from how both the driver and passenger on Uber rate one another).

It's very clever and depressing.

[quote]But fucking Christ, what a freakshow it is in reality.

R46's examples and link to quoted jargon (so pleasingly laughed off the screen) are creepily cult-like indeed, putting me in mind also of Stepford Wives (and husbands), and Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers.

It's a living.

R12 here - there's I use where you can buy them but you have to get approved by their therapist for a nominal fee.

I paid for a 3 month protocol, with varying amounts each week separated by a week off to assess changes.

I was talking to my friend last night who is now in the program and is currently on the one week off. She's amazed in the changes she has seen in just 3 weeks.

For those who have negative thoughts or tendency towards depression, I don't think we realize how normalized it becomes because that's our normal. I also think that being gay in a world that did not accept gays really at all has a compounding negative impact on your brain and mental health. It creates these negative thought patterns and grooves that are hard to break. It's like muscle memory - your brain is the same thing - it resorts back to what it knows. Unfortunately, as a teen and young adult we don't know how to process these emotions or have perspective, so negative and depressive thinking is natural - but it hardwires your brain that way and is hard to shake - I'd say almost impossible - later in life.

You can only do so much with talk therapy. This provides immediate mood lift, it makes me appreciate my life and what I have more, lessens anxiety, and the best part - is my brain is now like a security guard against bad thoughts. They come in, sit in my head and security comes over and says - no, you have to leave. Effortlessly.

It makes me sad how many years I lived with negative thoughts - but makes me appreciate that in the future I will have primarily good days with very few bad days. Imagine having good mental health and mood 95% of the time - it's a game changer.

Caveat - you can get a bit spacey on the microdoses sometimes, but that's more of your brain changing. Anyway - I highly recommend it - it turns you into a positive person effortlessly. I look forward to every day - as corny as that sounds.

[quote] Therefore and thusly, I cocoon in my very comfortable home.

I want to cocoon myself but keep getting drawn out into awkward and uncomfortable social situations. I am currently travelling abroad but just wishing I was at home.

R52 - I meant to say a website that I've found. I don't want to promote any specific place but you have to do searches for psylocibin therapy and microdosing and see what comes up.

R12/r52 can you give an idea of what the dosage you were on? Curious what is considered a medicinal dose

R55 - many people grow their own and use a scale to measure and grind it up, blah, blah. Mine came in pre-packaged capsules (easy peasy) that is shipped to your door. I'm not a farmer - I'm not waiting around for mushrooms to grow and there are like 5 or 6 different varieties that do different things. I'm not growing 4 or 5 different types of mushrooms in my apartment and naively just combining them together. Screw that. I know I would screw it up.

The capsules contain portions from the different varieties blended together.

There were 3 phases, first week was 3 weeks, then 1 week break, then 4 weeks, then 1 week break, then 4 weeks again.

Each phase you increased the dosage. So I started at 150mg AM/PM, then 150/250, then 250/250, then 600, then 600/150. For reference, a 'full' dose is 3.5-4.5 grams and a large 'hero' dose is 6g. So the most you are on 600mg is 1/6th or 1/8th of a trippy full dosage.

It usually takes about 90 mins for it to impact, then about 90 minutes when you feel it (slightly), then it is out of your system after around 6-7 hours.

Not going to say there weren't some times where you felt a bit spacey. And there were times (many times) where I just didn't want to take another one, but the idea is to continually bathe your brain in this so that the changes 'stick' and the new pathways are developed and old pathways are removed.

It takes some time to reverse literally decades of ingrained thought patterns. Also, my dosage and my friend's dosages/protocols were different.

But I firmly believe that so many thinking patterns and beliefs are developed when you're young and immature that can be so damaging long-term. Many people are not even aware of the internal dialogue (negative) because it's always been there and it's just your normal.

I really don't think talk therapy or SSRIs (which just mask symptoms anyway) can fully change that. Yes - you get a better understanding of your brain and tools to help cope - but your brain isn't really changed so it becomes a life-time struggle and you have to re-visit therapies time and again.

This is different - and it is effortless. Like I said - my mind is now like a 'bouncer' at a club, where negative thoughts try to enter and the bouncer sees them and says, no you have to GO! They are still there for 15-30 seconds, but then my mind takes over and pivots and says, that's not true or that's a passing thought and I move on to a different positive perspective.

Sorry for the long post. Oh and I've never been fully high (full dose) on psylocibin in my life so I don't even know what a regular dose feels like.

[quote]"I was ashamed of myself when I realized that life was a costume party, and I attended with my real face"

Particularly applicable to those who foolishly go under their real names on social media.

R48 = The Voice of the Datalounge.

I have to, because absolutely nobody wants to see me with a permanent resting bitch face 24/7.

Upbeat, pragmatic, and positive always win out. Be it in a relationship, family, friends, or work.

Yes... I am obsessed with death- my own generally, 45 and renting in an area I can ill afford, Surrounded by folks much younger in a building with a surfer mentality- everyone "appears" very happy.. My new thing is leaving the blinds closed- i dont want to see anything or anyone.. Job will likely come to a close within a year, tops.. So I guess that is more depression. I hide it very well by looking my best (while I still can) Decent car, all surface shit. Its a lie. I think that the world is absolute trash and I feel like there is no overcoming it. And who the fuck wants to be old?

[quote] “All the world’s a stage.” —W. Shakespeare

And everyone has their part.

Amen, R46. Amen.

[quote] I have to, because absolutely nobody wants to see me with a permanent resting bitch face 24/7. Upbeat, pragmatic, and positive always win out. Be it in a relationship, family, friends, or work.

Congratulations, Dutchie, on being able to do it. Seriously.

No and I avoid phony & inauthentic people. Life's too short

Social media is faking it on steroids

It's exhausting, but often necessary. It's social lubri-cunt.

Most people are to some degree. As long as you can be honest with yourself and loved ones

I’ve known since I was young that the entire unfiltered me made people uncomfortable. Iindk t know if it’s because I moved so much growing up but I’m awkward and weird. I know people kind of glamorize weirdness but it’s not an easy way to go through life. That was fine until adulthood but having bills to pay I need to kind of put a filter over myself to make me more palatable to everybody.

I fake that I’m 20 on Grindr

Not to be overly dramatic about it, but most gay men and lesbians have not been allowed to be their authentic self in the world. We have to watch what we say, how we talk, how we act, how close we sit next to our partners, etc.

It's exhausting. Yes, it has become a TON better the last 15 years - but most of us have had to hide parts of ourselves and just fake it for decades. MUCH more so than straight people.

That's why gay bars and gay events were such a safe haven for us. Straight people pretty much get to act however the fuck they want, it seems.

R63 thank you, that is kind of you. But I have to confess that the only reason I manage to keep it up is because it simply has opened a lot of doors in life.

R68 that could have been written by me.

.

And as a side note:

Everyone is trying hard to be unique, but absolutely nobody wants to be perceived as different. Funny, that.

[quote] Everyone is trying hard to be unique, but absolutely nobody wants to be perceived as different. Funny, that.

I like this a lot. If you call someone unique they couldn't be more flattered, it means you're unlike anyone else. Call them different and it often means you're like people I can't relate to and have no interest in the attempt.

I don't think everyone is trying to be unique - in fact the exact opposite Is true. So many people just do and act what everyone else does or likes - fashion, music, sports, etc.

Both men and women. You see the same boring outfits on men, the same habits, the same conversations - blech. Same with many women - similar makeup, handbags, conversation, preoccupation with X, Y, Z.

80+% of people I've ever met made 0 impression on me or a desire to ever want to connect with or be social with them in any way. Nothing unique or different about them at all.

Being different takes courage and intelligence and risk. But it should not be confused with being purposefully/anti-socially or visually different (e.g. goths, outrageous clothes, stupid tattoos). That's just another group of pre-defined behaviors that they cling to out of lack of personality.

r74 and then you’re eccentric like me and mostly hate them all

Wow, i only discussed this with my therapist. My parents told me that i was pretty much all wrong, as a kid, and was too shy and would amount to nothng if i stayed that way. Talk about unconditional love...SO, when i left school, terrified, i dug deep down into my toes and faked it. Im 53 and done now. It worked; i became very successful but covid lockdown switched it off...i refuse to do it. It served me well, took a huge toll on me; i was always exhausted, guilty, sad, lost and confused. Im done now.

R75 - well being gay means I'm automatically eccentric and different than 90+% of the population. But there are tons of gays that adopt the same thing within our communities.

Don't get me started on Bears - they all fucking look alike, use the same faux masculine stances and 'woof' phrases. "We're the anti-gay gays" - no you're actually the most non-descript and copy-cat group among all the gays.

I don't hate 80% of the people I meet - they just don't interest me whatsoever. And I'm usually right.

The BIG problem is when you're in a work group and they're all that way and you just don't know how to interact with their constant drivel about boring, stupid shit. You can't avoid it and it happens more than I'd like.

[quote]The BIG problem is when you're in a work group and they're all that way and you just don't know how to interact with their constant drivel about boring, stupid shit. You can't avoid it and it happens more than I'd like.

How could that be a BIG problem? If you have a life outside of work it's easy to have perspective. You can be perfectly helpful and pleasant when it comes to work matters, and when it's ridiculous non-work drivel zone out and say nothing. If it's truly bothersome, ask if they could take their conversation elsewhere so that you can see to your work.

Interact about work matters that concern you. If the Friday afternoon office Halloween party in the coffee lounge isn't of any interest, say so, "Thanks, but I've no interest in those sorts of things." If you don't explain to people, how are they to know?

I can fake a smile when I want to at work.

But usually, no. I’ve always done what I want. I care about what people think of me but not enough for it to change the way I behave or my goals.