Why is there still stigma around randomly hooking up and being promiscuous?

In my friend circle, I think it's just lack of confidence? Maybe. There are a few guys who do have random sex, and others who probably would if they could - but where they live makes it difficult, or maybe they just are too nervous to go through with it? I used to hook up a lot more and still do sometimes. I don't think anything is wrong with it at all. I go through waves of lots of hookups, then none - mostly based on my intense work schedule. I have zero horniness when work is over the top.

I would have looked up the mutual gay friend's Grindr profile to see evidence of the contrary.

And she probably gives out handjobs and blowjobs like dog treats but that 'doesn't count' because a penis didn't ejaculate into her vagina.

I think it depends on what sex means to you.

For some, it is just fulfilling urges. You want to have sex and you get online and find someone. That's it. You move on with life.

For others, it is about intimacy and emotion and love. They want to be in a relationship and feel that bond with someone they care deeply about.

Both are not necessarily wrong, but the pearl clutching is a little dramatic.

I agree, OP.

Certainly by now they ought to have realized you're a whore, darlin', and simply changed the subject when you started bragging about it.

Some people just can't be civil.

Maybe there are just two types of people, OP. Ever think of that?

r5 You think there's only 2?

R6 No, but you know what I meant. Promiscuous and monogamous.

There isn’t.

AGREED, OP!

r9 Good lord, you poor ol thing

I think you hit the nail on the head, R3.

“Let’s see, 3 a year for 20 years is…. 60….”

If people would just stick with their own kind. But whores always want to try to go legit and get a relationship, unable to stay monogamous. And 'nesters' are hopelessly attracted to players, leading to misery all around.

^^^ aka looking for love in all the wrong places

[quote] And she probably gives out handjobs and blowjobs like dog treats

LOL

What a whore

OP, it's because you are 65 years old.

It’s sad when someone is so obsessed that they mimic. People shouldn’t toy around with people way smarter than them.

r17 42, but close!

[quote]Why is there still stigma around randomly hooking up and being promiscuous?

Well, using words like "promiscuous" certainly doesn't help.

Just claim you're 'sex-positive' and assume a higher moral standard and look at them disapprovingly.

It's the slut go-to to shut down any discussion other than positive feedback and reinforcement.

R8 - I see what you did there! lol

I think gays who are judgemental about casual sex are just envious. It takes confidence to invite a complete stranger over to fuck and they just can't bring themselves to do it.

Bravery more than confidence. There’s only so much confidence you can get from modern chemistry.

R23 - confidence or desperation? People can do whatever they want, but let's not make it into some brave and bold event a la Rosa Parks.

And it does come with some real risks and danger - albeit not super common.

[quote] I think gays who are judgemental about casual sex are just envious.

Or fucking ugly

r25 "into some brave and bold event a la Rosa Parks"

Who on earth said that? You actually sound quite envious.

Inviting a complete stranger over and then getting naked in front of them requires confidence, r25. You have to be really secure to do that. A surprising number of gays hate themselves for not looking like ripped porn stars.

Again, bravery, not confident. I am quite confident that I would not allow a stranger into my house in the first place. I am not brave (or foolish) enough for that. But you can be perfectly confident and self possessed and not want random people in your house and ass.

I found out through trial and error hooking up with random strangers was and is not for me.

However, I don’t care what other people do as long as they do not bring their drama to me. I’ve told my friends who still have Grindr hookups every week to keep the drama it brings away from me. Also, if they are on the phone browsing Grindr instead of giving me their attention when I traveled an hour to have dinner with them, they can fuck right off.

I have a hypothesis that gay men fall into 3 categories, as regards sex and relationships.

The first category is gay men who are unabashedly promiscuous. They feel no guilt about it, they feel comfortable having sex with strangers, they don't feel the need to create relationships with the men they have sex with.

The second category is gay men who are essentially monogamous by nature. They don't feel comfortable having sex with strangers, they certainly cannot allow themselves to feel uninhibited unless they are with someone they have a relationship with, and their relationships tend to be long-term

The third category is gay men who are essentially promiscuous but feel guilty about it - whether because of their upbringing, or perhaps their ambivalence is inborn. They are mostly serial monogamists, but their relationships are very brief - ranging from a few weeks to a few months. Each time, they convince themselves that they are truly in love and the guy they are dumping (whom they met 3 months ago) was NOT "the one". They would never have sex with strangers night after night, But their relationships tend to be short term.

If a category 1 guy meets a category 1 guy, life is good. Both are getting exactly what they want. They will fuck, have fun, and move on.

If a category 2 guy meets a category 2 guy, whether socially, at work, or being set up by friends, if they are compatible they will eventually settle down into a long-term relationship. Life is good. They commit. They feel comfortable enough and secure enough that they can enjoy a decent sex life. Both are getting what they want.

The real problem comes with category 3 guys - ESPECIALLY if they meet a category 2 guy. Then all hell breaks loose, and hearts are broken. The category 2 guy goes in fully prepared for long-term commitment, and the category 3 guy dumps him after 3 months because - well - he's not meant for long-term relationships down deep.

More confidence, not so much bravery

You're just splitting hairs, r29.

Why do you care what other people think? You do you.

Ho.

Right op, and there's absolutely no difference between McDonald's and a Michelin star restaurant.

r35 Learn to read.

Learn to create better analogies.

I’m trying to be polite. Haven’t you seen Stranger by the Lake??

I have a lot of gentleman callers. Some only stay one night! C'est la vie!

Stigma -- look at all the killjoys judging you. Pay no attention to them.

A better question would be why has promiscuity been socially unacceptable for the last four thousand years?

Before birth control, people didn’t want all of the random unapproved daughter pregnancies. And gay sex in any amount is not exactly on the good list, historically speaking.

Men didn't want to feed other men's children

It's like with many intimate things, like taking a dump, picking your nose or the last visit to the OB-GYN. You can do it as often as you want, but people don't want to hear about it.

For the bitch at R36.

We used to keep certain pleasures wrapped in mystery, like a good novel or a decadent cheese. Now it’s all swipe, unzip, and forget the name before the second moan. Where’s the theatre? The tension? The meaning, for God’s sake?

You and your kind will no doubt tell me it’s empowerment, how very pedestrian! Empowerment used to be reading Cicero in Latin or starting a revolution. Now it’s finding a stranger’s face between your thighs and calling it self care.

However, a fair exchange isn't robbery, so you do you. It does leave one rather soulless after awhile though. I should know.

I think some if it still has to do with the lingering effects of AIDS which made so many people even more puritanical.

r44 "You and your kind will no doubt tell me it’s empowerment" Jesus, no one said a word about that, sweetie.

You're very lonely. You deal in black and white, and that's what led you to be bitter and alone. One can read, enjoy the bigger events in life, travel, dream, go to the orchestra etc. One can also find a fun guy to suck dick on a Tuesday night. These things are not mutually exclusive.

I really do hope things improve for you!

Li’l film recommendation for you, OP: Looking for Mr. Goodbar.

I take issue with r40. There has never been much stigma around MEN being promiscuous. It is promiscuous women who have been intensely punished by society for millenia. In fact, men in many cultures are applauded by the number of women they have bedded. Don Juan as a literary figure didn't appear out of nowhere. Men on the move (sailors, military men, nomads) were expected to at least try to find sexual satisfaction, whether that involved seduction or rape. Child support by men was not a thing until very recently in history. Of course, religion has worked overtime to try to stigmatize promiscuity for men as well as women, with only middling success. But, just as a for instance, Solomon, a great figure from religious history, was supposed to have a huge number of wives and concubines. (700 wives and 300 concubines). God didn't smite him dead for his promiscuity (if we are to take the Bible as a true account of anything).

There are those who claim that, biologically, men are somewhat hard-wired to be promiscuous. The check on that was guaranteed sex vs the possibility of sex. Some biologists even claim that the female orgasm was a biological result of the long childhood of human children. Most other mammals go through heat, and then the female drives off the male once she is pregnant, or certainly after she gives birth. But most mammals are able to be self-sufficient before their first birthday, whereas human children can't even really feed themselves by their own efforts until age 7 at the earliest. (I mean picking their food or preparing it by cooking). Therefore, human females developed a female orgasm, so that they wouldn't reject men as sexual partners either during pregnancy or in the time following.

Speaking for myself, I'm very shy, so hooking up with random strange guys just never held any appeal to me.

I was not promiscuous.

It just looked that way.

Why did you feel you and your friend believe your sex lives should be shared with these other people, OP? What do they have to do with them?

Do you also tell everyone you know about your pissing and shitting experiences, and then get upset when they're turned off by that?

Like it or not, even most liberal people consider sex lives private business.

r51 You seem unable to read, or perhaps don't have friends?

Just because I feel like entertaining you... have you ever sat with friends for a few hours over lunch/drinks, and you just talk about all sorts of rolling topics? Or do you bring a specific list with you, and only speak of preset topics? If you had friends, and a group chatting on a Saturday afternoon, you'd probably talk about a whole host of topics. We talked about plants, cooking, movies, sex stuff, travel, etc.

"Do you also tell everyone you know about your pissing and shitting experiences?" How odd. Do you do that? I don't see where I brought up pissing and shitting - that's not part of my sex life. But, you do you. We didn't really get into any details at all about sexual stuff - only what I posted in the OP. You have a vivid imagination - perhaps brought on by your loneliness. I do hope things improve, sweetheart!

Who are you, OP? Carrie Fagshaw?

The truth is everyone does it, gay or straight. We like to pretend we’re a puritanical culture because it makes us more godly. In fact, we’re all sluts

No, we're not all sluts

You've heard of incels, right?

They want to be sluts and are angry they cant

R52 is 'sex-positive' and needs to talk about his random hookups to maintain his self-esteem.

I agree with R51 - it's in bad taste to discuss your sex life at length, particularly among a table of people.

Nobody wants to hear about your sexcapades.

SLUT.

The gay guy is probably a total slut. He just doesn't want his friends thinking he's a stereotype.

It's ridiculous for gay men to hold other gay men to the same sexual standards that straight men do to straight women.

Sing it, R60!

r21 / r25 / r57 You haven't felt the touch of another man in a long time. You're heavily invested lol.

I dunno, when I was young and hawt being promiscuous was admired, it wasn't stigmatized. There was almost an unspoken competition for who got laid the most. Most of us left off that once were in our mid 30s. That's the time to settle down. But if you don't want to settle down, have at. It's your life.

I think a lot of gay men still mirror the straight world or look to it for cues.

Most people under 30 seem to be incredibly uninterested in sex with another person. And no, I'm not basing this on them turning me down - I'm old and taken and not interested, but I see them interacting in very different ways with guys they might find interesting.

Most of the people I've met in the last 5-10 years, regardless of age, are either whores of Babylon/channeling Samantha Jones or they are pearl clutchers of the highest degree.....there doesn't seem to be any middle ground, interestingly.

There is a middle ground but they get screeched at by the extremists so much so that it's not worth it to be honest. I'm one of them.

“I’m not looking for Mister Goodbar, I’m looking for a man”

Female promiscuity is accepted in some small cultures, usually matriarchal cultures

[quote]Certain matrilineal societies, such as the Mosuo people of China, practice a tradition known as "walking marriage," where women can choose multiple partners without formal marriage. Similarly, in parts of the Trobriand Islands, premarital relationships are openly accepted, and women have significant autonomy over their sexual choices.

In ancient Greece, Spartan women had the most sexual freedom, openly socializing with their lovers - male or female, and had most rights in civic and religious terms. This, at a time, when respectable Athenian women were not allowed to leave their huts unaccompanied.

Today, Brazil, Australia, and Greece score highest on global promiscuity indexes.

As a whole, female promiscuity has been frowned on both by straight men (originally, concerns about paternity) and lesbians who become extremely attached.