My Mother is Dying...

(((Hugs))) OP.

❤️❤️❤️

Feeling your pain OP. Been there. Whatever you are feeling is fine. Let it happen organically. Do you have siblings?

been there done that. is she a fighter or resigned? sounds like a FIGHTER to survive 7 years in nursing home.

Hard to deal with farewells. Especially when long anticipated. Actually, you sound like you’re doing well. Having sadness is a tribute to your caring for her. A gift, if you will. You have shown up for her. You will have no regrets.

I wish you well.

Thanks r2 I have an older brother. He’s an inconsistent player in the family dynamics. But he’s been decent so far.

R3 she was until the UTI. Mother’s Day she was very upbeat. Two weeks ago she got the urinary tract infection and the older you are the harder it is to recover. She can’t even talk or swallow anymore.

A UTI took out my otherwise healthy father a few months ago.

Wishing you peace, OP.

I'm sorry for this, OP. My father died six and a half years ago of dementia--we knew it was coming, but it was so hard nonetheless.

The main thing I can tell you is that it will be some relief to you and everyone when it's all over, because she'll be out of her suffering and you'll not have to be so concerned for her well being as you are now. Grief will come in its own way, and that is something everyone has to deal with as they can. But remember you cannot hurry it--it takes its own time, and that is completely out of your control.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

Thanks everyone. It’s been a tough two weeks.

I’m sorry, OP. I know you want more time but the best thing is for her to pass as quickly as possible where she won’t suffer as much.

I’m sorry for your pain, OP. Give yourself time & space to grieve any which way you like. Take it day by day.

Yes you’re right r10. I am taking a break and will chill out at home tomorrow. I’ll go visit with her Sunday. She’s also on morphine.

I lost my mom last year so I know how you feel. 😔

How old OP?

My mom gets UTIs all the time - I had no idea they could kill her?

Ask for anxiety medication to help you manage this time

R13 she’s 88. But in her later years she was drinking heavily and it kinda accelerated her dementia. But she took less medication than me - two pills for hypertension compared to my eight pills. Up until now she was in relatively good physical health.

R14 is right. You need something to knock the edge off and ensure you get some sleep. It’s important to take care of yourself, too. When my grandfather was in hospice and I had to clean out his apartment, a friend advised me to have a hot meal every night for dinner. Sound advice. It made a difference, even though it was take out food.

I'm know this is a painful situation, OP, but it is a very special time. I learned a lot from this nurse, things I had known when I my mother was dying if cancer. A point she makes continually is that the body knows how to die peacefully, not eating or drinking, it triggers the release of endorphin-like molecules that calm and relax the person.

I hope this helps.

I'm so sorry, OP.

In my experience hospice workers are wonderful with both the dying and the bereaving. Feel free to talk with them about it.

^^^things I WISH I had known

R15 - my mom's dementia has accelerated in the past 6 months - she'll be 86 in August.

Not to minimize your loss, but for me, not knowing how many more years this will drag on is torture. She wants to die but she's still relatively healthy. Thousands and thousands of dollars are month are being spent for her to live in a nice place when she'd rather not be living at all. It seems so pointless.

It's only now when you've dealt with older family members do you really understand how rare and fantastic it is when someone is 80-85-90 who is running around, dancing, having fun, and still with it.

I know it's one of those things you're not supposed to say, but my Dad should have died 5 years ago. He's just gone 99% of the time. At some point, it's just so fucking pointless and useless. I do feel badly for you OP and you won't like this, but fuck, at some point life is just so goddamn useless. And yes, the same will be true of me and all of us some day.

OP, I’m so very, very sorry.

Everyone else has given you support and sympathy, which I of course share, but I would add to please write down things you remember about your mom - even tiny little moments, the way she smelled, what her hands looked like, how she loved the neighborhood swimming pool, whatever.

When my mom died after a brief illness, I was blindsided and my childhood and adolescence - actually, every touchpoint with my mom - came rushing back and I scrambled to constantly remember everything in case it all disappeared. It felt like my hard drive had been wiped and I had to save everything I could. I would hate for you to lose important memories so try to take time to memorialize her in your own, private way.

And I’m sending you peace and holding you in my heart and hoping that your deep pain is eventually replaced by happy memories and that you’re surrounded by a loving family and close friends.

Sending you all love, OP. My mum has dementia and my sister who was my support in caring for her was taken by cancer very recently so the tears come for my loss of support and the friendship and love from my sibling plus the slow loss of my mum. They hit at the most inopportune moments during my day. It is part of grieving. I think most people experiencing a loved one going through end of life and subsequent loss will understand unfailingly what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, OP.

Oh, honey. It sucks but you’ll feel so good and at peace because you’ve helped her through her final transition. It’s torture now but you—and she—will both feel peace and love at the end.

Hospice time is tough. Last summer, when my partner was dying, the hardest part was leaving at night, seeing people in their beds talking with loved ones, then coming back in the morning to see the same room stripped and empty. Your mother will go peacefully, there's a reason they start them on morphine 24/7. They slowly slip away. Say everything you need to say to her now, you'll regret it if you don't. At some point she'll be there physically, but not mentally. Take advantage of her awareness while she has it. And don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. You'll do it in your own way. It takes time.

88?!! OP, she's had her time. It's the circle of life. Dementia is soul-destroying for loved ones and I've always believed that the afflicted are suffering as well. Be grateful you've had so much time with her.

OP Mine is in the hospital recovering from a stroke . I can relate to every emotion you are feeling right now .Its goddam hard. Ive buried 2 husbands, many friends and more than a few enemies . Nothing is harder than losing your mother. Especially if you are close . Big hug to you and know you are not alone .

The hospice social worker is visiting her today. She gave me a quick Q & A so she knows what she is working with. She said that some things, like touch, are reassuring to a patient when they are transitioning, and that it's important to do it. Even playing her favorite music. I will visit tomorrow. I feel spent and exhausted.

I’m so sorry, I know how you must feel . My mother’s passing was a body blow 12 years ago . May the happy memories of your great times together sustain you . I stilll have my father who has dementia and understand the difficulty of that as well . Stay strong .