The "Lesbians Moving In Together After The First Date" trope

That's NOT funny, OP!

Not funny, but I've known more than a few Lesbians over the years who could have served as the basis for this...

Aka the U-Haul Principle?

I knew a lesbian who ended up in a relationship with the very first girl she met in college and they were together for years. So…

I've known a couple of gay men who did this, too.

I did this once when I was young. I have a friend who’s a lesbian. She’s doing it right now, but I realize that’s totally anecdotal.

I'm sure that moving in after the first date is an exaggeration, but they no doubt "jump the gun" where that is concerned when compared to gay men and heterosexual couples. The divorce rate among lesbians is also significantly higher than non-lesbian couples. Most statistical data show the lesbian divorce rate to be roughly double. A recent source shows lesbian couples have a divorce rate of around 34%, compared to 19% for heterosexual couples and 16% for gay male couples. My guess is that this may be due to a combination of rushing into the relationship and also having higher expectations and willingness to leave the relationship when those expectations are not met. Even in heterosexual relationships, 70% of the divorces are initiated by the female partner. I guess it should be no surprise that when two women are involved, the chances of the relationship not surviving are going to be higher.

I have actually found this meme to be generally pretty true--I have had a lot of lesbian friends in my life, and they tend in to move in with someone they're dating not after the first date, but much much sooner than gay men or heterosexual couples do. They seem to REALLY want to be permanently coupled--but the relationships often do not work out because they didn't take enough time to find out how compatible they truly are.

Well, are these just the gold star lesbians? Surely the ones who have been married to guys know better?

What does a lesbian bring on a second date?

I've thought about this. I think there's a couple of things involved:

1) Straight people wait a lot longer - moving in together for them is like the last step before marriage, where that wasn't the case with us and still really isn't. The expectations aren't as high when you move in together as a gay lesbian couple as it is for a straight couple.

2) Scarcity issue: gays and lesbians have far fewer dating options in the world than straights. Lesbians have even less. So when you really hit it off with someone after not dating for a long time or dating duds - and you feel a spark - it's so life-affirming and you want to be around it all the time.

We haven't had tons and tons of relationships and small things (outside of hook-up apps) that straight people have had since middle school.

And no - this isn't just a lesbian thing - I've seen it a lot with gay men, although usually around the 3-4 month mark. I'm guilty of it. The relationships lasted several years.

A U-Haul R10.

It took 10 posts to see the actual Joke. Lousy thread 1/10

It had to be done R13.

They move in and out at the drop of a dyme. "YOU CAN NEVER PUT THE TOOTHPASTE CAP BACK ON! I'M LEAVING. I MET PEGGY LAST NIGHT AND SHE OFFERED ME HER SPARE ROOM! THAT HERE HOCKING THE HORN OF THE UHAUL IN THE DRIVEWAY NOW!"

R15 don’t quit your day job

My sister, in her sixties now, has had eight live-in girlfriends since 2001

Why don't you ask Kelly McGillis.

She’s a wh….you know the rest

R17 - so she's pretty successful at finding love. 8 in 24 years is - not THAT bad. Hopeless romantic.

R20 ...and she was "monogamous" if you can say that about a body count of 8.

Sure, Jan.

R21 - or worse case - she wasn't very picky. Cupid was SO busy.

Back when I GAF about why other lesbians did what they did, I observed lesbians in the "community" very closely for a long time, and these were the conclusions I drew.

Women in general don't like to admit they crave sex. They guard their sexuality like it's some kind of grand prize that they need to protect with their lives, which is why (at least back in my day) it was so difficult to get a lesbian into bed with you. And even more difficult to get rid of them the next day! Heaven forbid they should be someone's one night stand.

See, I never had any problem whatsoever admitting that I just needed to [italic]get laid[/italic]. But most women do, especially lesbians. So they have to manufacture some kind of great love affair to justify the casual sex they just had, because they simply don't want to perceive themselves as being sluts. I mean, they think, "I can't possibly be that kind of girl, can I?" Hence, the two-dates-and-a-U-Haul. Then no one can accuse them of being pigs, sluts, and dogs.

And of course, these relationships tend to last about two years. Then comes the serial monogamy, so two years, then on to the next woman for two years, ad infinitum. Unless they're [italic]really[/italic] afraid to be alone (many women are), so instead of switching to the next one, they just stay together "forever" (as friends) even after the inevitable lesbian bed death. BTW, I'm not making up that two year figure. There was research done, and even a book written, which of course I can't remember. That was a long time ago -- sorry. Maybe someone else can recall the name/author...?

I could tell you stories all damned day, but it's not worth the trouble. Suffice it to say I'm very glad to have no sex drive and no need for a woman in my life.

Well if they acted more like men, none of that would be an issue. They can’t even butch it up properly!

That is so sad, Senior Lesbian. :( I thought one of the advantages of being a Lesbian would be freedom from all those misogynistic tropes...

[quote]one of the advantages of being a Lesbian would be freedom from all those misogynistic tropes...

It certainly was for me, R26! But another one of my observations was that most [bold]people in general[/bold] are afraid to be different from other people -- even gay people. I never had that problem, either. A therapist once told me (Alcoholics Anonymous folks encouraged [italic]everyone[/italic] to go to therapy) that I "place a high value on being my authentic self." Truer words were never spoken.

One more thing, just for fun: I never, ever, ever thought that gay people would want to get [italic]married![/italic] Back when I was a young teen, the latest thing was to [bold]not[/bold] get married! Straight people left that behind and moved to "shacking up." It was the sexual revolution (of course, it didn't hurt to be high all the time), and you didn't need to be married to have sex anymore. You younger folks can never really understand what a cultural shift that was, and it was intertwined with the invention and availability of the birth control pill. If you want to see a movie that really illustrates how much things changed, watch "Splendor in the Grass." It hurts me so much to watch it, I have never made it through the entire movie.

So by this time, I thought the entire idea of marriage would be passé even for straight people. I never thought gay people, who tend to be at the leading edge of trends, would want to imitate straight people.

I guess I'm not much of a prognosticator.

There is still social capital to be gained from marrying and buying a house and remodeling it and walking dogs and all of that shit. It’s a flex.

Hard to make nut loaf if there’s no home to bake it in

Home is where you plug in your CPAP machine.

—Dot

I have known straight people who moved in together after the first time they had sex. In fact, I used to know a few straight women who survived this way. They lived off of one straight guy after another and never paid for anything. They would connect/ find someone in a bar, hookup, then move in the next day and stay until they got kicked out.

R27 - I think a part in the push for gay marriage started from AIDS crisis and all of the things gay couples weren't allowed to do because they weren't 'official'. Then it became clear how disadvantaged gay relationships were and all the rights we were excluded from.

I honestly think the acceptance of gays that happened (which is shown in polls at the time) was a result of gay marriage. Putting our relationships on the same level as straights really changed things for the better.

The whole 'we don't have to or want to get married' was a bit of sour grapes to me because it wasn't an option - and so we acted like we were above it and different. But people are people. And we were legally not equal - not by a long shot - and that has real consequences and perceptions.

It’s almost like there was a conscious decision by activists to work to gain social acceptance via marriage.

R33 - that actually wasn't part of the plan - social acceptance coincided with gay marriage. We've been fighting for social acceptance since the 1950s - long before Stonewall with The Mattachine Society and Daughters of Bilitis.

Social acceptance wasn't the driving force for gay marriage - which had been fought for decades as well.

You’ve got it backwards—social acceptance is what lead to gay marriage. You’d think on this site, if any, posters would get the very basics in proper order. R32

R27 Far be it from me to presume to know more about women than you do, but this is the DL, so I'm going to anyway.

You're right that a lot of women, gay or straight, have it conditioned into them from a young age that the worst thing to be is a "slut", but I also just think a lot more women than men are what you would call "demisexual", gay or straight. I think a lot more women need to genuinely feel for someone and feel safe with someone before they can really enjoy sex with them, even if that someone else is another woman. It makes sense for straight women from an evolutionary standpoint, and I can't see any reason why lesbians would be able to shake that instinct just because they happen to be born loving snatch.

Generally, women want to commit first and want to leave first.

How boring.

It is a bit of a humorous cliche, in the same way that gay couples seem to be comprised of two men that resemble each other.

For most men, the first layer of a relationship will always be physical attraction. For many women, emotional connections are a priority. I think that's part of why that "moving in" piece happens with such speed - once a connection is made, they want to spend all their time together and "nest" and build a home.

Of course, the fact that physical attraction is a lower priority is also a likely factor in "lesbian bed death" setting in - at which time the bell rings, the couples break up and have the switch-your-partners moments, and then lather/rinse/repeat.

And then they break up and one becomes a stalker

They stalk each other, no?

I guess I'm the luckiest lesbian because I was sexually attracted to my girl the minute I laid eyes on her! She thought I was a hottie too. We're older but still take care of ourselves and even though the old lady stuff is starting to happen we still have mind blowing sex.

I'd like to address a different lesbian stereotype ...

Supposedly, anecdotally (whatever) at a local Sapphic get-together most, if not all, of the attendees will have had sex with each other?

Men, gay or straight, aren't (generally) like that.

Well, unless all of your social group services the same porn shops and park bathrooms. ;)

[quote]at a local Sapphic get-together most, if not all, of the attendees will have had sex with each other

That's true, R42. That's because they're too scared to go out and meet new lesbians, so they only have sex with lesbians within their current social circle.

And trust me when I tell you, it is very very difficult to break into an established lesbian social circle.

So grateful I don't have to bother anymore.

You can’t just cruise for sex while “walking the dog?”

Scissoring seems very, ahem, lacking.

No lesbians ever dreamed of multiple dicks surrounding them I suppose. Never fantasied about getting lost in a football locker room. Having several dicks at one time?

R44: interesting! It doesn't work that way among men, as if someone isn't specifically attractive, we'll pass on the sexual activity.

Rosie has done this in almost every relationship she has had.

This is why lesbos has highest divorce rate & domestic violence, certainly higher than gays. You don't take in strays for a reason dear

Home is wear you park the Subaru.

Home is where the U Haul parked.