Let's Be a Commencement Ceremony

I am the Dean of the School of Design getting sucked off by Sydney (They/Them) under the gown before I go on stage.

I’m the graduates booing and turning their back on the commencement speaker, whose politics don’t perfectly reflect those of the students.

I am the depressed new graduate realizing that life sucks from here on in.

I'm one of the three dudes who dared each other to go naked under their gowns. I just discovered my two friends are wearing suits and ties, while I'm fighting a harden from the smooth fabric of the gown rubbing my dick.

I'm the soon-to-be grad who will invent a better form of autocorrect, so terms like "hardon" don't get changed to "harden" without calling attention to the change.

I will be a hero of Datalounge and make millions!

I'm the keynote speaker, a Republican Congressman from New York who has a weird obsession with Michael Jackson and even attended one of his molestation trials as a teen.

I'm the attention whore student who gets up on stage and makes an asinine speech about the political cause du jour, making the ceremony all about ME. No respect whatsoever to the other students and their families who are celebrating a big milestone day.

im the $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ in cash and gifts showered on your .1% friends at your ivy school

I'll be the student who does something really wild and wacky with my mortarboard, only to feel really stupid during the ceremony when it looks like a childish prank among that sea of plain black unadorned mortarboards.

I'm the history teacher, sitting with the faculty onstage, quietly counting up the senior boys I've been lusting after all year, and planning ways to "bump into to them" over the summer without fear of losing my job.

We're the pick-your-ethnicity herd family of non-American origin that travels as an inseparable unit to all celebratory functions. All the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents and the rest of the entire extended family are present to celebrate this special day.

I'm one of the adjuncts who has spent the last four years actually teaching the students. Unfortunately I can't be here to share the joy in their success because I am busy working a few streets away at my second job as a wine waiter. Hopefully none of the families come in here for their celebration dinner.

I’m the 7 figure consulting sinecure awarded to the graduate in recognition of her standing as a member of the KennedyBushClintonTrump family.

Also, she really is smart. Straight B’s at Penn is worth celebrating!

I'm the Datalounger, bitter about their lost youth and hate-posting to cope.

I'm r14, wet blanket killjoy on a fun thread

R11 you are right! There are a lot of them here.

I skipped my high school graduation.

I had a summer job before college and I preferred to get paid rather than walking around in a robe.

I'm the black student that has to be a little bit "extra".

“I preferred to get paid rather than walking around in a robe”

If you’re doing it right, you get paid while you’re walking around in a robe.

I'm all the STEM majors bragging that they've already locked in high-paying jobs, while the liberal arts majors will be waiting tables this summer.

I’m the cunt

My High School Commencement Speaker, who I don't even remember who it was, used the wrong name for the High School, the school was named after the Eastern half of the country and not the city but the speaker kept referring to it as the name of the city High School, each time he did it the audience would moan and a few would yell out the correct name but he never caught on. Only thing I remember from his long boring speech. What a dumb ass.

* eastern half of the county not country, what a dumb ass I am.

I’m the neuro divergent cunt or a black cunt who can’t just go up there and grab their diploma like a regular cunt. A spectacle will be made.

I’m the white cunt with a confederate flag

I'm the class valedictorian. I have been allotted four minutes, just prior to the handing out of diplomas (when the audience is at its most restless). I was given a list of acceptable topics and had to have my speech pre-approved a week before the event. I have been given the school's highest honor, but it comes with zero trust or respect from the administration. No one really cares what I have to say about anything, and most of the audience will be rattling their programs and muttering for me to hurry up already.

It sorta makes the last four years of hard work and agonizing over grades feel worth it...

I’m the speaker who dragged teachers for doing a shitty job at teaching. To their FUCKING FACES.

R1 is not funny because it's not true. I tried too hard.

R4 is funny because it's true.

I'm a member of the faculty who will make note of the canned speech the president of the university has given at commencements for the past few years.

I will also watch as several graduates pass me on their way to receive their diplomas. I wonder how some of them ever made it to graduation, since they barely passed the courses I taught them.

I am the students passing r29 and wondering why he does not change his tests, copies of which have been distributed among students for decades now

R29 Hey, what do you call the guy who graduated bottom of his class in medical school? 'Doctor'.

If this is a HS commencement, I'm the long-ass list of names, most of which will be mispronounced. There were 450 in my senior class and my name begins with 'M' so it was pretty much smack-dab in the middle. Longest afternoon of my life.

If this is a college commencement, I'm the lone student in the department who is graduating and get to stand up by myself.

I'm all the tenured professors, planning their imminent getaway to their shore/lake houses for a summer of fun in the sun, all the while claiming they're doing research and writing scholarly journals. But for them, summer isn't that much different than the academic year, where they teach 3 classes a semester and spend the rest of the time perfecting their golf and tennis games.

I’m the light skinned Asian guy who has, since high school surrounded myself with and completely appropriated white preppy guy culture. I wear all the preppy and jocular brands, I say things like “doooode!” and “bro!” a lot. I pledged Kappa Sig and never go near another Asian, Hispanic or black person in public for fear I’ll be recognized as a minority. I play golf and tennis with all my bros and generally live like a wealthy WASP. I’ve gone to great lengths to plan today’s logistics with all the dedication of the D-Day landing to make sure none of my posse comes anywhere neat my dark skinned, working class Southeast Asian family. As soon as I start applying for jobs, I’ll revert back to having an accent and play up my poor Asian background in hopes of landing a sweet gig at McKinsey.

R30, I'm thinking why bother changing my tests, they still don't understand the questions.

That’s awfully specific, R34.

I’m the family of graduate Zack Zimmer, watching every other family stream out after their kid “walks.”

R11 Graduations usually have a limited amount of tickets but I feel your sentiment. Best believe those hos gon be at the dinner ceremony at pick your restaurant, from infants to great grannies.

I’m the valedictorian. I believe in my heart of hearts that everybody attended today’s ceremony to be enlightened by my newly-held political beliefs. The truth is, I just hate the Jews.

I’m the looming default on the massive student debt.

I’m the kevlar vests under the robes.

R11 - “non-American origin” describes the vast majority of American citizens.

r42 doesn't get it.

We’re all the fuck-me pumps’ stiletto heels stuck in the ceremony field grass! (Those worn by the female guests and students, too.)

I'm the humorless commencement speakers who really think this is their moment to set the entire world on its ear with their condemning speech!

I'm also 90% of the parents in the audience rolling their eyes.

I'm the one who told all my family and friends to make sure they clap when my name is called.

I'm the smart phones everybody in the audience is sneaking looks at as they think...

I'm the heat.

I'm the very famous VIP parents humbly blending into the crowd. "It's your child's big day. Our little them is becoming a... gender fluid adult! We're so proud."

I'm Pomp and Circumstance.