Celebrities you have injured.

I haven’t spent a cent on a movie in twenty years.

Only assholes would sue because their kids got in a snowball fight and one of them got a minor injury.

I told Jennifer Lopez that I didn’t know her.

I almost tripped over Yoko Ono once, she’s tiny.

My tall friend almost stepped on teeny tiny Rhea Perlman who was standing right behind him in a vintage shoe store in Hollywood. I said “X, don’t step on Rhea Perlman,” which she thought was amusing. She was really very nice and sweet and gave us tourists shortcut directions to the next stop on our itinerary.

I hit David Alan Grier with my shopping cart at the Pavilions on Melrose.

I bumped into Stevie Wonder. It was his fault.

My friend got all star struck in the 2nd row when Olivia Newton John shook his hand while singing Xanadu — and the level of “struck” was such that he couldn’t or didn’t let go of her hand. A very minor struggle ensued mid song! And she didn’t miss a note or a smile.

Total pro, Olivia. We lost a good one when we lost her.

I kissed Maggie Kirkpatrick, the well known lesbian. But it was mutual injury.

R6 - i did the same thing to Janet Reno at DC's Eastern Market.

She was very gracious.

I hit Yvonne Craig in the head with a fondue pot.

I spit on Marianne Faithfull's snatch.

I threw a turquoise necklace at Julia Roberts at a shop in Taos, NM.

I swung my sweater over my shoulder and hit Nia Peeples in the face with it at the Hollywood Christmas Parade green room.

I once spilt some Pepsi on the back of the coat of Lee Radziwill. She had no idea.

I was working as a candy striper at Cedars-Sinai in 1989. I heard Lucille Ball was a patient. Knowing her love for comedy, especially slapstick, I thought she'd enjoy a good scare prank. Boy was I wrong. I skedaddled out of there. Still a lot of people looking for this little lady.

I had words with Peter Dinklage in a Jersey City supermarket. This was before Game of Thrones and I mistook him for another vertically challenged actor. He was not amused.

I kicked Stevie Nicks in the cuntbone.

I spat in Wilford Brimley's Quaker Oats bowl.

I peed on Beyonce's fried catfish.

I've told this story before, but I once met Betty Lynn after a show and asked for her autograph/picture. She obliged, and I made a joke that landed terribly. Will never forget the look on her face. I was just trying to be funny! It was mortifying.

I made a ham sandwich for Mama Cass.

I told the world that Cheryl's pussy stinks.

Am I a real cunt?

I asked John Ritter to help me move a couch.

One memorable evening about 20 years ago, I knocked Dustin Hoffman over twice. Or almost. It was around dusk at a neighborhood inn, and friends and I were having drinks and dinner in the bar area. I was headed outside to the porch to have a cigarette, and pushing the screen door open apparently a little too rapidly. I smacked him and knocked him over. I apologized profusely, and helped him up, and he laughed it off. My friends saw this and chuckled, while I slunk back to our table. About an hour later? I did it AGAIN, but that time he remained fairly steady on his feet. For the love of GOD, Dustin. You're a tiny man. Don't stand near doors in dim light! Shit like this happens to me all the time, and I ALWAYS win Two Truths and a Lie because of the most random interactions I've had with celebs, etc.

I swerved my bike onto a sidewalk in Berlin and almost ran over Clive Owen.

One time I smacked Steve Martin with a banjo.

I fat-shamed Karen Carpenter at my Weight Watchers weigh-in.

True story.

Picture it... Parsippany, NJ, April 2019.

Yours truly was inching down a packed hallway at the Chiller Theatre convention. This was back when it was located in the gothic-looking hotel before it outgrew it. Celebrities were jammed into any available space. I turned a corner and innocently and accidentally bumped into a tiny, frail Denise Nickerson (Willy Wonka, Dark Shadows.) She was getting up out of a chair, using a cane, and I sort of bumped her back into her seat. She was understandably pissed. I apologized profusely and offered my hand. She just said "No thanks" VERY tersely.

A few months later, she died.

My friends still joke about how I killed Violet Beauregard,

She was fine when I left her.

I once brought down upon myself the wrath of Peter Bogdanovich by walking up to him at a Sopranos premiere party and telling him how much I loved "Star 80".

I was told Fred Sonic Smith wiped his ass with my college newspaper review of a Patti Smith concert.

How dare you, R30.

I almost hit Mandy Patinkin with my car in NYC. It was around the time of The Wild Party. I would've made some cast and crew very happy. He dented my hood with his fist but the asshole was crossing illegally.

R33, did you call out, “Avigdor, wait!” ?

R28 She was a bit porky. She could stand to lose a few.

During his As The World Turns days Hunt Block once barreled into me while crossing 42nd street at 9th Ave. He was staring at his phone when it happened and I barked out, "Look where you're going you jackass."

R36 if he'd slammed into me I would have asked him to slam into me some more!

There was a crowd gathering near the Pepsi Coliseum on the Indiana State Fairgrounds. We were there for some big garage sale or something.

I went over to see what the crowd was about. I was standing in front when a limo pulled up and Cher & Sonny got out. The crowd pushed me forward and I stepped on Cher's toe. She looked at me and said: "Damn!" I said: "Sorry!"

This was just before they got big again and had the CBS show.

I sat next to Richard Ruccolo at a festival showing of a film he was in, and asked if his TV series had been renewed. Unfortunately the cancellation notice must have been quite recent judging by his pained expression.

I told Jon-Erik Hexum a prop gun never hurt anyone.

I almost bumped into Sonya Sotomajor heading into a 7-11 at 12th and U.

I think she was ducking in to buy a candy bar.

Sotomayor- what a weird autocorrect

well at least autocorrect did call her Sotobigfatass