Not really a point to this post. I'm tired.

Caregiver fatigue happens.

I was molested by Alan Hale Jr. when he had Alzheimer's.

for you OP

I’m so sorry OP. Early Alzheimer’s is cruel. Wishing you enough mental health to get through this.

OP, I don’t have advice, but I’m really sorry you are going through such a tough time.

What a heartbreaking situation OP. Sending love to you from Australia.

Very tough situation. Is it possible to find a facility that will take care of your mom especially as her condition worsens? Medicaid will usually cover the cost. Good luck.

Contact Alzheimer’s Association for resources.. Also Council on Aging. You need help. This is too much to handle by yourself.

Some tough love here. You're not doing her any favors. None at all. Letting her sit around toothless, blind, deaf, and sitting in her piss, no matter your good intentions, is not taking care of her. You are in fact neglecting her and ruining your own life too. You are not far away from being charged with neglect should someone feel like calling the state on you. Call your state's department of aging and get a social worker. Before it gets worse. In all ways. For both of you.

Contact your local mental health/behavioral health agency. Many states pay family members to provide care, or pay for respite help. She’s also eligible for Medicare.

Oh OP, I feel for you. My mother is costing me a lot and my siblings and her "favorite" nieces don't help at all. In my city/county there's a service called Area Agency On Aging see if yours has one too and call. Do you have a support group for yourself? If the DL is it, know you have people that care. It's horrible to be in this position. Don't let her ruin your credit or financial situation. If she really can't remember anything, walk away and live your life.

I’ve been there, too. I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry op you’re an angel. I wish you more happiness than you can even imagine.

In many states, a family member of someone on Medicare can receive pay as their caregiver. Look into it, you might be able to get a bit of additional income to take the pressure off.

Oh you poor thing. Get the visiting nurses. Take care of yourself too. You need a hug. Sending virtually.

OP, perhaps you can run her for president in 2028. Then you get her into the White House and she becomes America’s problem.

And frankly she would be an improvement on the current denizen of that office. Win/win.

OP - you are doing a wonderful job. You Love her and you are doing your best at the moment. It is a learning curve . I have been going through this for about 5 years. It is exhausting. You are having an especially hard day. My mother calls out for her mother all of the time. She asks me if I am coming home - she sees multiples of people. We don’t have any other family. We have always been so close - she was so smart and interested in everything. Now she is confused like a little girl and doesn’t remember so much of her life. I feel like it is erasing my life. ….. Does she wear diapers/briefs yet? Get them . It will make all of the difference in the world. Plus a portipotty. I had the hardest time sharing anything about my life with her for fear of being judged. She fell and broke her shoulder last fall abd went to the hospital then a skilled nursing facility for two weeks. She was miserable. The physical therapist at the place was so negative it was terrible. Everyday he would tell me that I wouldn’t be able to take care of her. I came home from visiting her one day. My neighbor who I had previously thought was snotty asked how my mom was - I broke down and told her what was going on and that I was afraid that they would try to take her away from me. My neighbor who I had thought didn’t like me - said you get power of atty . You know what what you are doing - we all se you both coming and going - you both love each other and you take good care of her. You have a computer - find some resources - they are out there. Don’t let anyone intimidate you - she needs you to be strong and bring her home.” God Blrss my neighbor - it was like a light turned on. It isn’t easy. I cry and I get tired but I have stopped being afraid of being judged. Please be kind to yourself - I know how hard the money, the isolation - take it one day at a time. I burned out on the cooking. Now I cook on batches and freeze a lot. Conquer the toilet / it isn’t that bad - and OY! I do a lot of laundry. …. Get some rest. Don’t feel pressured to make rash decisions. Be proud of yourself - you aren’t alone!!

Look what happened to Fr. Karras.

"Also Council on Aging"

GONE!

I’m so very sorry. I’m 65 and I wouldn’t want either of my sons having to care for me.

Check IHSS. In Home Supportive Services.

hi OP - I hope that you had a good day and you are feeling better tonight!!!

R16 - that's the stupidest comment I've ever seen on DL - and that's saying a lot.

That sucks OP. Very sorry to hear all that. I hope you (and your mom) find some peace.

OP, I feel your pain—though my loved one is my husband—he’s 86, I’m 67. Find help—both to care four mom and to provide you with emotional support and fatigue respite. I resisted it for the first two years and the support makes all thee difference. No one can do this alone and, as much as we love them, it does no one any good for us to sacrifice our own lives.

Do you have power of attorney? If not, take her to a PCP who will examine her and give you a letter stating she's incapacitated. Then get her on Medicare, Medicaid, disability, and anything else the doctor recommends.

Most nursing homes and memory-care facilities will take Medicare. Go on Alzheimers.gov and they should have resources for you if her doctor doesn't.

I've been through this with my father and it was hell trying to take care of him at home. Fucking impossible. Your mom needs 24 hour care.

Good luck, OP. My heart goes out to you.

I'm in a similar situation and was thinking of starting a gay mens caregiver support sex club.

I'm going through this too - slow decline with dementia the last few years but the last 6 months has gone into overdrive.

Can't really do anything in terms of bills, dr. appts, medication, etc. - I can't trust anything that she says because half the time it's not true.

I feel for you OP - I really do. And it feels awful to wish them a hasty death - but this isn't quality of life.

Unfortunately, my mom is VERY healthy at 86 - but mentally, she's going downhill fast. The absolute WORST combination. She walks just fine and half the time she seems OK - then she'll just say something completely off the wall and you know she's not there.

Reach out and see what resources are available with Medicare - you don't have to do this all on your own.

Almost every woman on my mother’s side of the family has passed away due to this cruel disease. My great grandmother lasted until 98-100, because both of her daughters, including my maternal grandmother, cared for her diligently until her death. This makes me question why they did so, & then I realized that we as a society, did not actually understand what this disease is, until very recently, relatively speaking.

Because I’m at the very least anywhere from 25% to 50% vulnerable to this disease as well, I promised myself I’d pursue euthanasia, were I ever to be diagnosed with it. Whether I’d actually stick to that promise or not remains to be seen, but without a functioning central nervous system, without cognitive function; who am I, and more importantly, who are WE?

OP, this will ABSOLUTELY get worse, and ABSOLUTELY NEVER BETTER. Please, PLEASE try to understand & accept that you are NOT capable of caring for your mother in any palliative manner. These are facts, & it’s imperative that you recognize FACTS, & find a way to intermittently separate your emotions from these facts. You must brainstorm, & find a solution that best fits your own life and your own obligations, when measuring the costs versus benefits of attempting to care for your mom with the limitations and limited resources you CURRENTLY are able to tabulate as a “Pro v. Con” list.

Bottom line?

You CANNOT sufficiently care for your mom, before taking care of yourself FIRST, AND EVEN THEN, you are only human (a VERY GOOD thing), & can only do so much.

Would your mom benefit from being placed in a 24/7/365 medical facility? NOPE. It would actually hasten her death. But can you realistically afford giving up your life by caring for her, while she reaches her inevitable outcome, regardless of your intervention? Only you can answer this question.

My mother currently has this illness. I did everything I could within my means to get her out of a physically abusive situation, while she has this illness, & because I’m not wealthy, in the final analysis, there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do, & I ended up losing a profound part of my core self, because my good intentions & actual REAL attempts to help her, rendered nothing. She’s still very sick with extended moments of lucidity, & is basically being held hostage by her husband, who has financially stripped her of all she had.

Good luck, OP. I’m so sorry you’re on the thick of it, & I encourage you to not break under the pressure this brings to you & your family.

Since so many of us are in the same boat - here is an awful question - are you afraid that it will happen to you? I am an only child - well - only old woman - I turn 60 in two months. My mom is 88. I am #17 up there ^. I hate to say it but some times I get furious that my mom didn’t even plan enough to get life insurance. She didn’t save or plan. I think that her mind dtarted to go years before - I just missed so many signs. Since we have always been close I didn’t notice some things. I started to notice she got so passive. She missed the big Christmas party at work. She just stopped paying bills. She used to read everything - she used to take all of the newspapers and read novels, mysteries, bestsellers and she suddenly stopped cold Turkey. …. Something that scares me - her father AND her sister died from Alzheimer’s related illness. Then my mom had this. I have no family - I hate the thought that this is my future. How will I know? Who will take care of me. I am happy to take care of her - I love her so much - but I do lose my temper sometimes. Sometimes it is so nuts it’s funny / “My slippers are making me dizzy” “I have to go #3” ….. sometimes I worry - how can I go into a relationship later on as I head into my 60s knowing most likely I will wind up with dementia, too.

OP, I'm going through the same thing with my mom who has Parkinson's. People are more aware of the movement component of PD but it's also a neurogenerative disease and affects mood and cognition too. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I agree- it is awful and draining for everyone involved- patients and caregivers alike . Take care of yourself.

She doesn’t really have Alzheimer’s. She’s faking, in an effort to forget you’re a lesbian.

Can you like, keep her drunk?

Did your Mom pee on your stuff?

I want to correct a comment above. Medicare will NOT pay for a nursing home for memory care. Medicaid will, in some circumstances. Basically, the affected person has to spend down all his or her own resources until qualified ( by poverty) for Medicaid. Some ( not all) memory care places will take all a person's social security plus bill the maximum that the state they live in will pay. But the real cost of memory care with all the nursing staff and aides is probably $6-8000/ month, so I don't begrudge them their charges. They probably still lose money on most of their patients

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I was the sole caregiver for my mom and it was by far the most stressful experience of my entire life. Look into respite care/adult day care programs for your mother. They can help take some of the pressure off of you.

Can you put her in senior daycare while you work? Give her to respite care when you need a break. Enlist any other family members? Group therapy is out there too. For you and so many others. I just can’t imagine why it hasn’t been a major story about our olders living longer with real afflictions and it’s 10 or 12 thousand dollars a month for memory care homes. So what does everyone else do? Keep em in the family to care for them old school style. Maybe divvy her time between her kids, everyone gets her a couple months. That sounds kinda fun actually.

“Crazy Moms coming to stay next month.” Let’s make a list….

Your post saddens me so much OP. I can feel your pain. I don't know if this has been asked, but is there no way you can get your mother into a nursing home? Does she get social security? That and nursing home medicaid would take care of all the costs.

OP, Big Hugs. I think u should start a Gofundme. People get pleasure from helping and I think you need help. Theres people on Gofundme asking for help with silly stuff like holidays. Do it right now, just tell your story like u did here. Xxx

You can't do this alone OP, you need help. Even if you were a professional caregiver, there is a time and point where they re-asses what's needed and have to call in more people or move them to a place where more people can care for them. Stop torturing yourself, it sounds like you have gone above and beyond what most people on their own have done. Listen to the advice above, there are resources out there.

Also consider counseling for yourself at this time. Guilt is the number one thing loved ones go through when they end up being over worked and exhausted as the only caregiver.

R29 - I'm totally with you. I don't foresee anyone to take care of me - no kids and now no partner (broke up last year). Watching my mom decline has been awful - for her and for what I see as my potential future.

However - and everyone is going to downvote me for this like they did in another thread - I've done a lot of research into what studies have found in people's brains with dementia and Alzheimers.

There are supplements out there that have been shown to prevent dementia and to inhibit the decline of Alzheimers (although it won't prevent Alz completely - just slows it down dramatically). Research on this topic has come along way the past 10 years. My mom has dementia, age-related diabetes (she's always ate healthy and has a low BMI) and macular degeneration.

I'm taking an assortment of supplements that reduce inflammation, increase cognitive function, promote cellular repair, etc. The other upside is I feel fantastic - seriously. It's not cheap - I probably spend around $200 a month on these, but the ongoing research is becoming more and more conclusive that there are things we can take (not drugs) that can ward off age-related declines. It's not necessarily going to extend your life, but it will increase your life vitality and brain health.

That's all I can do about it - besides exercising and eating healthy. Watching someone lose their mental faculties is so hard - and caring for them is a daily grind that I don't wish on my worst enemy. Seriously. And I hate a lot of people, so that's saying something.

See if there's a church group or community group that has special services for the elderly. You say you work. Do you work from home or do you work out of the home? There are daycare facilities and there are respite care services out here either through your county or state or some non profit. Call a nursing home that has memory care services and see if they know of any out patient services you can access for free. Some churches offer respite care. That means you can get a "babysitter" for free for your mother while you go out for a few hours. Please start looking for some help, OP. This is a very rough road. Your post does have a point. Thank you for reaching out.

Why do you come to a Gay Men's website to spew all this? Another cunt problem, take it to lipstick Alley for your stupid validation, this didn't happen, you're fishing for empathy that is fake! Fake News!!!

For me, besides the daily frustration of trying to care for someone who isn't there (but appears normal), is the thought of - how and when is this going to end?

Is she going to do something off that kills her? Is she going to live this way for another 10 years? Are we going to have to go to 24/7 care?

My mom's care is already costing $5,000 a month - and that's with relatively minimal support. Someone comes in for an hour every morning to clean, help her with insulin, take blood sugar readings, assist or ensure she has bathed herself,, etc. And morning/evening medication management. It also includes her small apt and morning and evening meals, so I know it's on the low side compared to other places.

She has said she doesn't want to live anymore - which is sad. But if this goes on for 10 more years - I don't know if I can handle it - let alone the devastating financial cost.

R43 - fuck all the way off you sociopath. I hope you end up alone pissing yourself in a chair, halfway out of your mind. You're not funny or clever - just an asshole. But you already know that.

OP, how long has she been expressing symptoms? Me and my mother took care of my Spinster Aunt who had Alzheimer's. At first she was fun. Little things, like hiding her purse, and being "forgetful." She and my mother would argue about how she dressed, (she'd put her dress on first and her slip over her dress...) She would tell my mother she was mean, go to her room and slam the door. then she would come back, having forgot why she was mad. We both helped her bathe. Eventually a nurse came in the morning to bathe her and dress her. Another came at night to get her ready for bed and bathe her again. The last four years were hard. She fell and cracked her pelvis and went to "rehab" for two months. Medicare only pays for 60 days. We brought her back home. Sometimes I'd just put her in the car and drive around to give Ma a break. My cousin would come over and spend a few hours so we could take Ma out for dinner or to attend some family thing but she was always worrying about my aunt. From start to finish, Alzheimer's can take 8-11 years. My aunt eventually had a massive stroke, was comatose for about 10 days, and died.

R28 That has to be the best, most constructive, and most compassionate post I've seen here. You're alright.

OP. You're a good son. This is the point of life to do good. Selflessness. You will be fine. Keep on truckin on

This sounds awful - but here we go - I think families who have a loved one (over 75) who pass from cancer, stroke, heart attack, etc. don't realize what a small blessing that can be.

Once you reach a certain age, you know death is going to happen and you're more prepared for it. You start thinking about death usually in your 50s - so you've had a long time to come to terms with it.

But people get so focused on an illness taking them away - and I honestly believe it's 10x better to go that way than to lose your mind, ability to do things for yourself and just rot, waiting for death to come. And it may take YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS of that. Slowly draining away your finances and the loved ones around you.

Only a small percentage of people (after a certain year) age in this golden way of still being active, physically fit, engaged with life, etc. I'd say it's probably less than 20%. The rest deal with constant medical issues, degenerative diseases, Alzheimers, dementia, loss of eyesight and hearing, etc.

OP, I have nothing to add to all the very good advice already posted. I just want to say I am very sorry that you are going through this. I wish you and your mother well. If I were a praying man, you'd be in my prayers tonight. Good thoughts.

OP music seemed to calm my aunt. My mother would play classical music or even church music, and she'd settle down.

I'm really sorry, OP. 🥰🙏