Tell me a tasteless joke

Zsa-Zsa once hired me to write her a comedy album. Her manager called me and pitched it, and I said no way. She’s not funny! He said “$37,000,” and I said “She’s fucking hilarious!”

I get to her suite at the Beverly Hilton, that she got in the divorce from that Hilton asshole, and she answers the door at 10am in the nude. Behind her on the shag rug is her assistant, who looked like Miss Hathaway if she were a fullback for the Rams. Zsa-Zsa brings me in and sits me down to talk, and every few minutes she yells over at the woman “You find Mr. Magoo’s diamond in that rug or I’m gonna fire your fat ass, you fucking bitch!” Magoo was her pet Pekingese, and his collar was missing a diamond that day. She introduced me to her comedian friend, a nasty old crow who looked like a whore in the Weimar Republic. Leather skirt, black cigarettes, etc. The woman sucked on ciggies and tried to tell me about apothems, as if that could be Gabor's comedic hook. She wanted to be the next Phyllis Diller, but she was too rich and too naked by then. They both spent all day talking me into the gig, but she just wasn’t funny. I never got paid.

A man, a dog, and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck. The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.

One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig, but the dog does not like what he sees, and so he bites the man every time he tries to hump the pig. The man even tries to lure the dog to one side of the island, so he can run back and try to relive his frustration on the pig, but the dog keeps running back just in time to stop him from having sex with the pig. Until one day a beautiful woman washes ashore on the island, naked and unconscious. The man is instantly overjoyed, and revives her right there on the beach.

Being so grateful that she was brought back to life, she tells him "Thank you so much for saving my life! I owe you everything and will do anything you ask, to return the favor of saving my life!" The man thinks for a second, and says "Good! Can you grab hold of that dog for a while?"

What does the sign outside of Joe's 24-hour Abortion Clinic say?

You rape 'em, we scrape 'em.

This isn't a joke but something that actually happened today that I found hilarious...

After a doctor's appointment this morning, I went to IHOP for breakfast where one of my friends is a manager. As I was walking in, a really cute blond guy (late 30s / early 40s) was walking out and smiled at me. My friend the manager was about ten feet away from him watching him leave, and then brings me to my booth and sits with me.

When we sat down, she asked, "Did you see that guy who just walked out when you walked in ? I just interviewed him for one of the weekend manager positions I have open." I acknowledged he was a cutie, and I hope she hires him.

She said the interview was going well, he showed up on time, very polite, and his application was impressive - he had years of 'restaurant management' experience which is required for the job, and available for weekends and holidays.

She then came to the question, "Have you ever worked for any other IHOP before ?" He looked puzzled and asked "What was that ?" So she asked again : "Have you ever worked for any other IHOP before ?" . He still looked puzzled, and seriously responded, "What's an IHOP ?"

Needless to say, my potential new boyfriend didn't get the job. She couldn't believe his stupidity of not knowing where he applied and was now being interviewed. I sat in the booth with her and couldn't stop laughing.

I just don't care for your cheese balls.

Rotten Johnny was walking down the hall one day and he hears a lot of grunting and commotion coming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad on top of his mother where they've been going at it. They both froze and his dad, not sure exactly what Johnny was making of this, flashes him a big thumbs up with a broad grin. Johnny closes the door. Several days later, his father is walking down the hall and hears commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom. He opens the door, and there's Johnny having his sexual way with Grandma. He sees his dad, and flashes him a thumbs up with a big smile. The dad closes the door and waits a moment, then flings open the door. "Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" he says.

Johnny says, "Not so funny when it's YOUR ma, is it?"

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

An aging socialite, terrified that her face is starting to resemble a vintage handbag, books a consultation with Manhattan’s most exclusive cosmetic surgeon. She’s ushered into a consultation room that looks like it was decorated by a Botoxed Liberace. The doctor enters, sleek and smooth as his own forehead.

She sighs dramatically and says, “Doctor, I used to stop traffic. Now I only stop mirrors.”

He nods sympathetically, studies her face, and says, “You’re the perfect candidate for our most advanced procedure. We install a tiny control knob at the base of your neck—completely hidden under your hair. Whenever you feel gravity winning, just give it a twist and voilà—instant lift.”

She clutches her pearls in delight. “Like a facelift dimmer switch?”

“Exactly,” he beams. “Only less mood lighting, more miracle.”

The surgery is a huge success. Over the years, every time her face starts to droop, she gives the knob a quick twist and—bam!—fresh as a debutante on opening night.

But one morning, she wakes up, looks in the mirror, and shrieks. Hanging under each eye are two heavy, sagging bags. Horrified, she rushes to the doctor’s office.

He examines her, frowns, and gently says, “I’m afraid those aren’t bags, my dear. Those… are your breasts.”

She gasps, clutches her face, and mutters, “I knew it. That explains the goatee.”

What's worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

Confucius say: Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

WHat's the difference between Jesus Christ on the cross, and a picture of Jesus Christ on the wall?

The picture only required one nail.

What's the worst part of getting a blow job from Jesus Christ?

The crown of thorns.

“Well, Aunt Sherrie, you put the fun in funeral!”

My 2 favorites:

1) a baby seal walk into a bar & the bartender says "What'll you have?" The seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club."

2) What's the worst thing you can hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? "I'm not Willie Nelson."

Q: Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

A: No? I’m surprised - It’s all over town!

How come Jesus never went to college?

He got nailed on his boards!

“Grandma, did you hear about Mary Lou Retton?”

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

A woman has a baby and goes into the nursery to visit it. In the first bassinet is a child without arms. "Oh no, is that my baby?" she asks the nurse. "No," replies the nurse. The second bassinet contains a newborn lacking legs. "I hope that's not my baby," says the lady. "No it isn't," says another nurse. A third bassinet has an infant lacking all four limbs. "Please don't be mine," growns the new mother. Yet another nurse assures her that it's not her child. "Oh thank goodness," the woman exclaims. In the fourth bassinet lays a pair of large eyeballs. "Don't tell me--" "Yes, and it's blind too."

[quote]R4 Needless to say, my potential new boyfriend didn't get the job. She couldn't believe his stupidity of not knowing where he applied and was now being interviewed. I sat in the booth with her and couldn't stop laughing.

Well, wasn’t he really applying at the International House of Pancakes? Not everyone calls them an IHOP.

r3 The rest of the sign says "No fetus can beat us!" 😱

I’m glad IHOP has so many qualified applicants it can discard those who know and use the company’s full name.

I didn’t know it was such a desirable workplace.

A very wealthy family marries off their retarded daughter to a young man. They are visiting the newly married couple and bring a family picture, which the couple decides to hang right away. As the man is banging in a nail, he hits his thumb and says "oh fuck" - the wife says "go get the bag, go get the bag"

They say about 50% of gay men are born that way and the other half just get sucked into it.

What happens if you play the rolling stones, hey you get offa my cloud, backwards? Mc Jagger sings, hey Mc Cloud get offa my eau.

I would but she’s dead now.

What’s the disadvantage of having sex with Jesus Christ?

He always wants to come/ cum inside your heart.

I don't get the r22 joke. What's the bag?

R27 - R22 screwed up the joke. It’s supposed to go something like this:

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag.”

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then, I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My mom died because we couldn't remember her blood type when the paramedics were working to save her life. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive," but it's still hard without her.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So, I unplugged his life support.

Q: What’s green, black and blue and hates sex?

A: The Girl Scout in my basement.

Q: What’s green and smells like bacon?

A: Kermit the Frog’s finger.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

You know, he might have only known it as International House of Pancakes.

Knock knock…

Who’s there….

Bill ….

Bill who???

Bill Cosby…..

Bill Cosby WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF ME!!!!

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick.

Toward the end, Loretta Swit looked more suited to be on Wayland's fist

R28 Thank you. R22 is an idiot.

Two men are knocking back beers in a bar on the ninetieth floor of the Empire State building.

“You know, there’s a slipstream around the seventieth floor,” says one, opening a window, “and if you jump out here, it’ll suck you back in at the fiftieth floor.”

“Ah, c’mon,” says the second, more than a little drunk.

“No, really” says the first. “I’ll show you.” So he jumps out the window, comes in through a fiftieth-floor window, takes the elevator up, and appears triumphantly back in the bar.

“Hey, I’m going to try that,” says the second guy. He jumps out the window, falls ninety floors, and is killed instantly.

“Hey,” says the bartender, looking hard at the first man, “you can be a real bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.”