Need advice about a newly engaged straight friend

She's showing you what you mean to her. If she's doing that in front of your face, imagine what she's doing behind your back.

You're in the slow process of being dropped. She doesn't want to do it straight away, so she's building a case. She feels like she should spend all her time with her fiance and build that - and now you're an obligation she doesn't need.

You're best to end it now. Her new 'man' also may be very suspicious of you and is saying things or questioning why she's hanging out with another man (I presume you're a man).

Unless you've been unnecessarily negative? I've seen this happen a lot - the gay best friend is there and is reliable UNTIL a new man comes into their lives and poof - you're gone.

A lot of times a woman's gay best friend is a male substitute until she gets a straight man. Hard truth.

Discuss it with her.

She’s obviously struggling with balancing all of it, & is probably trying to find her footing in this relationship & new life circumstances… or she’s genuinely just a bitch & you’re finally getting wise to it.

I honestly don’t think it matters as much as you believe it does, OP. This relationship is now her priority, and after marrying this guy, there’s a really good chance that they will start a family, & depending on what opportunities are presented to them, might even move to another state.

After popping out the kids? Consider her as the priority person for her family.

This is how life usually works, & there are millions of stories that we all have about how EVERYTHING changed once we got serious and married to someone, or how everything changed once a close friend or family member did.

He is her priority now, and that’s perfectly normal and expected with couples, whether they are gay, bi, straight, trans, etc.

You take care of yourself, prioritize yourself for yourself, & hopefully the friendship adjusts and survives accordingly if that’s something ALL three of you want.

He’s her # 1 now, OP. Good luck. ❤️

Get used to it, unfortunately. Heterosexual men are a nightmare and women often lose their minds and identities when they become involved with them.

Downgrade her to friendly acquaintance and keep in touch. There is a strong possibility of divorce and then she may come back to her senses.

You should have called her out for mocking you, like called or texted her after and said you were really hurt by her behavior. See what she says.

At this point I would call her out on her behavior and say it has felt hurtful (the mocking) and disrespectful (leaving you alone for hours with her parents, cancelling st the last minute) and you’re confused by it then see what she says. (“Confused” is a great non-accusatory word.)

Sounds like she will likely not care, in which case you can move on.

In this situation, you can’t even tell if she’s been struck by good dick. He could be four inches with a raggedy stroke that only lasts two minutes, and she’d still be going crazy for him. Wish I could get me a desperate straight woman with money and low expectations. Got this girl buying him houses.

This. Never. Happened.

I refuse to read any of that wall.

OP, your friend is straight. Stop trying to suck his dick. Move on.

Oh, I believe it, R6. Some details may be changed in the overall story, but this is pretty normal shit when best friends drift apart due to relationships/marriage.

OP needs to adjust and make new friends if that’s important to her.

My gay best friend was exactly like this girl. Then the bf said something horribly insulting about my friend, to me...I wanted to tell my friend what he'd said, but I kept tight lipped, till about 6 months later when our friendship was all but over. My friend looked off into the distance, like he was mulling over what I'd told him, then he looked me in the eye and said, "he never said that". We bever spoke again. I truly believe this will be a very bad relationship for my friend and this girl but you need some control back And she has to prove she is reliable.

OP, not all friendships are destined for longevity. And that’s fine.

I had a situation with a close (straight) female friend, maybe not analogous to yours but there’s overlap. She was man crazy the whole time we were friends (roughly eight years). Seriously man crazy, meaning carrying on affairs while living with boyfriends.

There was a lot about her (other) behavior that bugged me but I tend not to be judgy - and she was a kind of loyal friend - so I overlooked most everything I didn’t like.

But for me the last straw was the third consecutive serious boyfriend she had who was a major homophobe.

She never exhibited any homophobia of her own, she always had close gay friends, but I finally felt like I don’t even want to be in her home since it’s the home of someone who thinks I deserve to be a second-class citizen and be stripped of my rights.

I finally questioned why she chooses such men. And I dropped her. No regrets. Except that I wish I’d done that sooner.

R10 here’s the hard truth — if someone dates homophobes they are harboring some homophobia themselves. You were correct to ditch her.

Oh, shut up, OP. If it's true, it's not your business, and you're exaggerating. If you need to do something with that energy, take a long walk to some train tracks and take a nap on them.

0/10

You have no loved one in your life , so it’s understandable you are sad that you lost your best fag hag and are upset that she is moving on in life, and in a very happy way, without you.

You will need to find something else to do with your time other than chatting with your former best girls parents.

I had a best female friend until she married her husband. I used to hear from her every time I texted her but now it takes her 2 weeks to sometimes reply. “Oh work has been busy.” “I’ve had familial engagements.”

People make time for those who are important to them.

She’s a piece of work and she’s ghosting you. She thinks she is a princess who has smugly won the marriage lottery, like Jate Middleton or Blake Lively. She is immature and her marriage will likely fail. Let her go. Then when she returns asking for your friendship, remember. You can let her back into your life but always, remember.

Her mother needs to take her aside as did my sainted mother when I became involved: "Keep your own money. Do what you want to do. If he objects, just say OK and then do whatever the hell you want."

R6 You worthless motherfucker. This story happened exactly as I told it. I truly hope you die in a grease fire.

I didn’t tell you all because of all the jokes and shit, but my friend’s new fiancé is an immigrant from Kazakhstan who works in waste management. He went to a college I have never heard of in my life—and I’m in education. I once asked this guy, what does your father do for a living, since he described his father as rich, and he said he is in real estate…slight pause…and he says “I think”. I am sorry if you don’t know what your father does when you are 29 years old…you are fucking lying. My friend naturally has met no one in his family, because they all live in fucking Kazakhstan. They will first meet her at the wedding, and his parents are divorced, so that should be fun. Maybe my friend can ask her father in law what he does for a living. Did I mention they have never had a fight.

My friend does these gross desperado Meghan Markle things like grabbing the guy on either side of face and kissing him open mouthed in front of me. It is truly gross, truly over the top, especially in front of other people. We are not teenagers.

It makes me sad to say that I think many of you are right, our friendship is disintegrating. I used to think of her as a kind and thoughtful person. She is on the autistic spectrum a little bit (officially) so maybe she doesn’t know how to play this romance.

She sounds like a twat! Good riddance!

Not every friendship is meant to last forever

Dear Abby threads can be entertaining. My advice, stay out of it.

Punch and delete.

“Ghosted by the Bitch the DL story”

Gay men whose lose the love of their life when their female friend finds actual love with someone and moves on in life.

It’s a sad sad story and one told very often on DL by single men

[quote] They move in together using an inheritance from her grandmother

Oh trust me, that's all you need to know.

R12 is a nasty fucker

Op Carly Simon wrote a song about this subject back in 1986 called You Have to Hurt.

You have to hurt to understand

Have to get by the best you can

Until you hurt until you cry

You don’t know about love

And the reason why

You have to hurt

OP/R17, I promise I’m not attempting to anger you, but have you reviewed what you actually wrote?

You sound overly invested in your friend’s new partner/future spouse. Truth be told, this relationship is 100%, without question, none of your business. Honestly, what makes you the arbiter of her choices and her happiness?

She’s your FRIEND, OP. She’s not your pet or a thing. She has free agency & is able to do whatever she wants, which absolutely includes that she can make her own decisions and even royally fuck up her own life if she wants to.

Let this person go, once and for all, OP. Understand that whatever she’s doing? She’s not doing it to personally reject you or fuck you over. She’s just living her life and unfortunately, it is YOU who has a problem with this, and if you hang on to your codependency regarding her much longer, it’s going to impact YOUR life negatively.

Let her go! Live, let live, & move on. You probably have plenty to be happy about, but are inexplicably obsessed with someone else’s relationship.

Not cool, OP. The world is not going to stop for you just because you think it should.

We’re not paying $1.98 a month to talk about women.

[quote] it is YOU who has a problem with this

[quote]You are inexplicably obsessed with someone else’s relationship.

R25, I couldn't have said that better myself.

R27, my former BFF married a total POS when we were in our early 30s. I couldn’t stand the guy and knew he’d fuck her over.

Fast forward 8 years later, after 3 kids and a nasty divorce where she lost a LOT of money, she married another total POS.

Eventually, it became really obvious that she couldn’t be alone for long, and had one of the worst “pickers” I’ve ever witnessed. I loved her so much and felt she deserved the very best, but she didn’t agree, and that’s OK.

None of it concerned me & it wasn’t any of my fucking business. Younger people should learn that lesson ASAP, because codependency, obsession bordering on stalking or outright stalking is a total waste of time and cripples the person who wants the world to bend to their own will, when it never will, nor should it.

OP has major control issues. Whether they learned unhealthy coping mechanisms at home or school or at church (where controlling behavior is actively taught as a way of living), is irrelevant. It’s codependency & there’s almost nothing worse out there than being firmly entrenched in codependent behaviors and relationships. Most problems instantly disappear the moment we recognize how destructive and detrimental taught codependency really is, and finally learn how to stop living that way.

The friend has behaved poorly, but OP no less so for being, as R25 notes, too invested in his friendship with her.

OP is surely a bigger fool than his fat plain inexperienced friend for putting up with abuse.

If I went to the house of my friend's and was abandoned to chat with them for hours on end while the plain girl giggled and chattered endlessly with her fiancée all the time, I would have walked out before that hit the hour mark - regardless of how lovely the parents are.

If my friend made demeaning gestures about me to a fiancée as though I were not in the dame space, she wouldn't have the opportunity to do it again.

As for her finances, or "haste" of planning a wedding it's her life and fucking business. Not yours. As a close friend you get to advise caution once or maybe even twice, then shut the fuck up (and stay quiet whether or not you ever have the chance to say, "Told you so!").

You're the gay friend of a straight woman. Statistically these are relationships that, if they start strong, don't always end strong. Because your friend is plain and naive doesn't give you control of her friendships and love interests and sex life and financial matters.

She's not your fucking pet. And she's given you, "the wiser one", repeated signs that you choose to ignore repeatedly.

Who's the one whose not picking up on signals, OP?

I cannot tell you how many straight girlfriends I have had (lesbian here) who became dickmatized and these were girls who were used to seeing one. Let her enjoy feeling wanted. It won't last. Sounds like about 12 red flags, but you cannot talk to a woman who is mesmerized by the dick. Go to the pound and adopt a dog.

Tell the guy in secret that he needs a vasectomy. When he asks why, show him your first post in this thread. This should tell him that she is crazy and then tell him about the MGTOW philosophy, so that he can have a great single life.

Or better yet, R31? Perhaps OP should ask themselves what they really want from life, & if the answer includes finding themselves in a loving relationship, then OP might consider learning to love themselves FIRST, and then maybe… hmm, I don’t know? Start dating with the intent of creating their own relationship?

OP, my main point of advice is never make anyone a priority when they only make you an option. And it sounds like she’s not even making you an option.

Also, when people show you who they are, believe them. Actions will always speak louder than words.

[quote]but my friend’s new fiancé is an immigrant from Kazakhstan who works in waste management

Well there you go, OP at r17. Possibly the fiancé is marrying your friend as a way to get U.S. citizenship. (You didn’t say if you’re in the U.S. & if so, whether the fiancé is legally here or if he just overstayed his student visa.)

Plus, Kazakhstan? Fiancé doesn’t know what his dad does for a living? Red flags too many to count.

But the marriage is your friend's situation, not yours. Give yourself a little time-out from the friendship and reassess later.

[quote]If I went to the house of my friends and was abandoned to chat with (her parents) for hours on end while the plain girl giggled and chattered endlessly with her fiancée all the time, I would have walked out before that hit the hour mark

[quote]but my friend’s new fiancé is an immigrant from Kazakhstan who works in waste management

Christ almighty, people -- this is the kind of stuff that made me write the comment at R6. No gay man I ever knew would put up with the behavior at quote #1, and quote #2 sounds like it was taken straight from the Sopranos.

I say again, this never happened. Good EST, though -- got a lot of responses!

I’ve had a friend who disappeared into a relationship so intense that the two are in constant communication with each other by phone when they are separated. And the wife is very close to her family so that any time spent with my friend became an immersion into her family. And they are all Republicans. Golf-obsessed Republicans.

I punched and deleted.

I have a 'friend' who morphs with each new husband, now on #4, I still talk to her because she's a train wreck and always has some drama that from afar is entertaining. Try thinking about your friend as a personal reality show, something to watch and laugh at from afar. If she doesn't provide any entertainment, just fade out of her life. Women like this are idiotic asses, but mine is entertaining, not sure about yours.

Sorry, OP, but you blew it. If the Kazakhstan angle were true, you would have mentioned it up front.

I have found someone I really care about and want to be with. My gay friend just does not get it. The poor dear has no one in his life so he constantly wants to be apart of ours. Even my parents now dread to see him come by and he spends hours with them and won’t leave..

OP, you already know how this is gonna end. Start by cutting your losses. Start disengaging without hostility (you don't need to make an enemy), and soon enough she will be in the rearview mirror. In the future she will be telling stories about 'this gay guy I used to know, who'...

I agree with the other posters above that you need to let her go but I don’t think you are obsessed with her relationship. She’s clearly a fucking asshole probably thinks everyone is superior to gay men which is why she acts the way she does.

Drop the cunt. Punch and delete. She sounds like a fucking idiot and you’re clearly a higher quality person.

I’m still puzzled as to why being from Kazakhstan is a problem here?

Everyone’s gotta come from somewhere, right?

And why is the father working for a Waste Management service also a problem?

That’s a decent job, or at least it once was.

Working for a waste management company for a city or county can pay very well, and might offer really awesome health insurance and retirement benefits. I’d rather do that than becoming a cop, quite frankly. No bullets involved.

When she was elbowing her boyfriend are you sure she was mocking you or just noting something good or neutral about you? If she was mocking you I'd dump her.

It might be healing for you to share your feelings about all this stuff with her; how she treated you, your concerns about the relationship. She may not respond properly to any of this information. Don't be attached to the results. Getting it out of your system may help.

Women that blow off friends to this degree for a man often did not get enough attention from their fathers. More people need to refrain from having children. If you do have children, step up.

Shitistan

She’s marrying a POS

Has the OP found a new straight female to be best friends with yet?

[quote]Sounds like about 12 red flags

Indeed. This woman was gay till she met this guy, had never had sex or even a kiss, bought him an expensive condo with her inheritance and is a "little bit" autistic (thanks OP, we figured).

I don't blame OP for being concerned. Hopefully she'll only wind up divorced and not dead.

is the fiance cute? you should hit on him just for funsies.

Op, does she have a mom named Diane

Everything you wrote about her indicates she is very immature, OP.

Be kind to yourself and gradually distance yourself from her life.

Maybe in the future when he screws her over she will want your friendship again. It will be up to you to decide if and how that happens.

I want to say this never fucking happened but that would be a special brand of crazy to make up a factitious post of this length, so I won’t disrespect you that way.

Op your characterization of her family as well off but not rich is baffling. To be well off is to be rich. No? I noticed your spelling of behaviour so I presume your British or somehwere in the UK? Here in America, to be well off is to be rich, especially if you referring to a family. That means they have generational wealth. If the family is just your basic upper middle class cunts without any true wealth, here in America, you would say they were comfortable not well off.

She needs to make up her mind whether you can be her gay friend once she spawns. If you’re a Bronson Pinchot or Rupert Everett type of gay friend, she may use you as a nanny.

Otherwise, you’re a gay widower. Mourn your loss and move on to less silly people.

[Quote] She isn’t hideous but she isn’t particularly great looking.

You’re clearly a great friend, she’s so lucky.

I ghosted my last female friend (of over 20 years) when she married a closet queen. I knew instantly the 1st time I met him he was gay . It was cemented when I was at work one night (I worked a convenience store next to out apartments) and gay boyfriend was talking to me and this middle aged queen walks in and greets him in a very surprised tone . It was very awkward and gay boy left. I asked the queen how he knew him and he told me "Honey,everybody knows Duane. He was a slut" .When I told him he was engaged to a very good friend of mine the queen said "Oh? Whats his name" ? I replied "Lisa" . He was stunned. I tried several times to tell her she was making a mistake but she just wouldnt hear it. Heres the corker though...I was visiting one day and I went to go say goodbye to my friends little boy and I walked around the corner and gay boy had a bolster pillow in front of his crotch and her son was acting like he was performing oral on it. I backed out quietly ,left and started distancing myself because I KNEW what was going to happen. I moved shortly after that and ghosted her. Fast forward many years later and she calls me out of the blue . As we are talking she made a cryptic comment about some girl who married a gay guy then said "I did the same thing" . So she knew and chose to ignore it. I knew I was right and hoped her son was okay and never spoke to her again.

One of the most painful parts of life is losing friends who had been really close to you once--but people change, so this happens to everyone.

When they do, it's wise to remember the Maya Angelou quote: "When people show you who they really are, believe them."

What a weird thread for Datalounge.

The OP wrote a lengthy, overly TMI post about a straight girl.

The reaction: a lot of really good,. heartfelt advice from people who seem genuinely concerned for the OP and are sharing similar situations with thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

What's happening???

This is an episode of 90-Day Fiance.

OP, many single, straight women use gay men. When a boyfriend appears, she slowly dissolves the friendship. She'll only reach out to you, if there's a crisis, or she needs something. Then she reappears, using you as an ersatz bridesmaid, to assist her with the wedding plans. (After all, gay men have the best taste.) She'll mail you a wedding invitation solely for the wedding present. (Gay men give exquisite and expensive gifts.)

At the reception, you'll be seated in Siberia, with a few casual acquaintences. As you leave, you'll wave "goodbye" because she doesn't have time to chat a bit. If she practices etiquette, you'll receive a generic thank you note. You'll be totally ghosted. She rush back to your arms if she gets a divorce.

Lather, rinse and repeat.

[quote] Heres the corker though...I was visiting one day and I went to go say goodbye to my friends little boy and I walked around the corner and gay boy had a bolster pillow in front of his crotch and her son was acting like he was performing oral on it. I backed out quietly ,left and started distancing myself because I KNEW what was going to happen.

Jeez - how old was her son at this time?

R58 7-8 . I tried to warn her but she was deaf to it. She wanted his money and a ring and that was that. Now I dont know for sure he did molest anyone,but Id bet my bottom dollar he did. Everyone tried to tell her he's GAY . Everyone.

[quote]She says she has never had any kind of fight or disagreement with him in their entire relationship.

She reminds me of Jackie on Roseanne. Roseanne called Jackie "Gidget on an aphrodisiac" when she was dating Gary because she was afraid Gary wouldn't like her as herself, so she became a pod person who liked everything he liked and agreed with everything he said.

[quote]Roseanne to Dan: She's so infatuated, she does whatever he tells her to do. And she never says anything to him. I mean, she's just like this puppet, and he's just, like, pulling on her strings.

OP's friend is a doormat, but will eventually grow tired of pretending to be someone she isn't, and the relationship will either end badly or be prolonged misery.

Hetero women are all like that. Drop a bitch for the guy.