We Need Another Joke Thread

Here you go, from my college days:

[quote]There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, 'I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it." "Okay," says the other whale. They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while. Then the first whale then says, 'I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?' The other whale then replies 'No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow sea men."

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

What's the worst thing about eating out your grandmother's snatch?

Hitting your head on the lid of the coffin.

What did Michael Jackson and pimples have in common?

They both came all over your face when you were twelve years old.

Thanks OP. I needed the laughs!

Did you hear about Hitler's microwave?

It seated 400.

On their 50 Wedding Anniversary, a man was asked his wife's favorite flower. After thinking for a while ... "Gold Medal."

I don't get r7.

What do you call a bear with no ears?

Buuh

Uh, none of these are funny.

More please!

[quote]Uh, none of these are funny.

PLEASE REAGLE US WITH YOUR FUNNY FUCKING JOKES

What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?

They Pump Kin.

R8 Gold Medal is a flour.

Classic Jewish joke —

Grandma is watching her beloved 9 year old grandson play on rocks along the seashore, on a warm summer day. “Don’t get so close to the water, Bubeleh!” she calls. “You know I’m too old to help you if you fall in!” The boy ignores her, playing happily.

Suddenly a giant wave rises up and crashes into and over the rocks, and in an instant her flailing grandson is swept out to sea! Grandma screams and screams in a panic but no one is close enough to hear. She drops to her knees and prays with all her might: “Oh God, Please God, I know I haven’t always been a good person but if you PLEASE return my grandson to me alive and safe, I promise you I will devote the rest of my life to upholding all your commandments and fulfilling all the mitzvot, oh PLEASE God, PLEASE!!”

Suddenly an even larger wave surges up from the ocean, and from its center the boy is spewed forth onto the rocks. Coughing, spluttering, drenched and in shock — but he’s OK.

Grandma hobble-runs to her boy, sobbing, and bends down and hugs him tight - then she pauses and looks up again to the heavens.

“He had a hat.”

R10 The word 'none' is derived from 'not one', which is obviously singular, so the grammatically correct phrase is "None of these is funny"

R10 Post a funny one.

A three-legged dog slowly limps into a saloon and drawls. "Ah'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

We had to rush our dog to the vet after she ate our whole Scrabble game. The vet said she'd be OK but she'd have to stay until she pooped it all out.

How's she doing?

No word yet.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner. He goes to the bartender and asks what's with the horse. The bartender says he'll give anyone a thousand dollars if he can make the horse laugh, and $10,000 if he can make the horse cry.

The guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear. Suddenly, the horse explodes with laughter. The bartender is stunned.

Then the guy whispers in the horse's ear again. The horse looks down and abruptly stops laughing and begins crying. The bartender's jaw drops.

The guy returns to the bar. The bartender is speechless, but opens the cash register to count out money. "How did you do that? What did you say to the horse?" the bartender says while handing over the cash.

The guy says, "I made him laugh by telling him my dick was bigger than his. I made him cry by showing him my dick was bigger than his."

Why is the reverse cowgirl position banned in Alabama?

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasorass.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus.

Why did the fag get fired from the sperm bank?

He drank on the job.

How do you get four fags to sit on a barstool?

Turn it upside down.

How does a fag fake an orgasm?

He spits on the other fag's back

A baby seal slips into a bar.

"What'll it be?" the bartender asks.

"Anything but a Canadian Club."

Two old guys were playing golf one Saturday afternoon. They were at the fourteenth hole, which happened to be very near a road, when they saw a hearse leading a funeral procession. One of the golfers immediately removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. His buddy said, "Bill, I didn't realize how respectful you are. That was really inspiring."

His friend replied, "Well, after all, I was married to her for more than forty years..."

What's the difference between kinky and erotic?

Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

A terribly handsome guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the female pharmacist behind the counter: "Do you sell XXL condoms here?" The horny pharmacist quickly checks out his bulge and answers him in a flirty manner: "Why, yes, we certainly do..." The man replies: "That's wonderful - do you mind if I wait here to see who buys them?"

What disease do you get from having sex in the ocean?

[quote]I always wanted to write a book about you, (insert spouse's name), but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hound of the Baskervilles.

15-year old goes into drug store. "Do you sell condoms?" "Yes" "How much are they?" "Two dollars a box" Kid give clerk two singles. "That's two dollars plus tax." "Tacks ? I thought they stayed on by themselves."

An oldy, but goody...

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope will also be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wants to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

The Pope immediately turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to intercourse that ends in 'k'?"

Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a while, then it hits him, and he says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'talk'."

"Of course," replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

A man came home from work and his wife hit him on the head with a newspaper.

Husband: Why do you do that?

Wife holds out paper: I found this in your pocket. Who is Linda Lou?

Husband: Oh, honey, that's the name of a horse someone gave me but I didn't have time to place the bet.

Next night husband comes home and wife hits him on the head with a frying pan.

Husband: Why did you do that?

Wife: Your horse called this afternoon and wondered where you were last night.

Some ranch hands were giving a young George W. Bush some pointers on the ranch. The group came upon a calf with its head stuck in a fence.

One of the hands ran down and slapped the calf in the face then fucked it and pulled its head out of the fence.

Foreman: Georgie, do you think you can do that?

Georgie: Sure, but you don't have to slap me in the face.

“What’s this button for?”

Challenger teacher - astronaut Christa McAuliffe’s last words

^^^^ Muriel you're terrible

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Where did Christa McAuliffe go on vacation?

All over Florida.

What kind of shampoo did Christa McAuliffe use?

They found her Head and Shoulders on the beach.

What did Liz Taylor put on her hamburger?

A hotdog.

How do you make a gay man cry?

You fuck him hard then wipe your dick on his drapes.

On Christmas Eve wife of TV weatherman asks the forecast. He looks out the window, "Rain, dear"

Why is Europe like a pan?

It has Greece at the bottom.

Father walks into his kid's room and says "Don't do that son! You'll go blind!"

Kid says, "Dad, I'm over here."

Just heard this one:

A young man has a severe stuttering problem, so he prays to God for a cure -or at least some relief. God hears his prayer, and decides to send everyone in his village to help him out. First came the shaman with healing crystals. Then came a shepherd with fresh goat's milk. The Catholic priest came and did an exorcism. This went on for several days until finally a prostitute knocked on his door. "What I'm about to perform will be such a powerful sensation that you'll be cured immediately. I'm going to suck that stutter right out of you."

The young man replies, "Do y-y-y-you m-m-mean an exorcism?"

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows in too high. She looked surprised.

You gonna eat that?? Jeff Dahmer to Lorena Bobbit.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T COME BACK?

a stick

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball!

Why did Willy Nelson get hit by a car?

He was playing on the road again.

One of my husband's friends said ; you and your wife seem to get along well and you never argue." My husband said; I don't argue with my wife, I dicker." He really said that, lol.

🤣🤣 R3!!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

My favorite from Bible school when I was eight:

Did you know the Bible says that Mary was a big nag?

Yes, she rode Joseph's ass all the to Bethlehem.

Dammit!

".....all the WAY to Bethlehem...."

A guy was out in the yard chopping wood. His wife came out and said " Honey the Preacher is coming tonight and he wants chicken" ( she meant for him to kill one). The guy didn't say say anything and just kept chopping wood. His wife came back out and said " honey did you hear me? The preacher wants chicken"! The guy said " Oh fuck the preacher!" His wife said " I already did but he still wants chicken!"

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again." The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn autocorrect. I meant 'wi-fi', not 'wife'."

^^Good one!

I’m so mad my boyfriend got braces!! Now my kids are going to grow up behind bars!

What do you call a Puerto Rican man in a suit?

The defendant.

Why did five and six cry?

Because seven eight nine.

A little girl being led in to the woods at night by a stranger was crying, saying, "I'm so scared."

The stranger said, "YOU'RE scared? Bitch, I'm the one who's gonna have to walk out of here alone."

Alright class, said the teacher, lets keep going with the new words we're learning about staying healthy. The last word we learned yesterday was contagious, when we were talking about?

Class: Colds and flu!

Yes, colds and flu. Who can use the word in a sentence?

Susie: I shouldn't kiss the baby when I have a cold because I might be contagious.

Very good! Who else?

Tommy: If you're contagious you should stay away from everybody.

Yes, right. One more?

Billy: I was on the back porch last night and my dad was drinking a beer and my mom was cutting the lawn and my dad says "This yard is too big for that push mower. It'll take that cunt ages."

Two old ladies were sitting in the park together, smoking, when it began to rain. One old lady pulled out a condom, snipped off the tip, and put it over her cigarette so she could smoke without her cigarette getting wet. The other old lady thought this was a nifty trick and asked her what she put over her cigarette.

The first lady replied that it was a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The second old lady thanked her and made a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.

A few days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says, "Young man, I would like to buy a condom, please." The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, "Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before."

"So," the young man asks, 'what size do you need?'

The old woman thinks for a moment, then replies, "I need one that will fit a camel."

A couple of whales are swimming off the coast when they notice a whaling ship. The first whale recognizes it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. The first whale says to the second, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink!" They try it, and sure enough, the ship turns over and starts to sink. Soon, however, the ship's sailors jump overboard and swim toward the safety of shore.

The first whale is enraged that the sailors might get away, so he tells the second whale, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, though, the second whale is reluctant to follow. "Look," the second whale says, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says, "You know, I’ve never come this way before."

The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."

Local newsman is sent to interview the oldest lady in town.....103 years old.

They get on the subject of her health and asks: "Miss Gentry, have you ever been bedridden?"

And she answers: "Twice. And once in a buggy."

A elderly woman sees a live news report about a car driving on the wrong side of a busy city street. Knowing her husband is currently out driving, she frantically calls to warn him someone’s going the wrong way.

He responds, “Its not just one, it’s hundreds of ‘em!”

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Jew are out walking one evening when a hooker stops them and says, "For a hundred dollars, I'll do anything."

"Anything?" says the Irish guy. He's never had a blowjob in his life, and the thought of one for $100 sounds too good to be true. So they go off, do what they do, and he comes back happily satisfied.

"Anything?" asks the Italian. He'd had plenty of bjs but never fucked a woman in the ass. Buttsex for a Benjamin? He was in, figuratively and literally, and he, too, was back smiling soon.

"Anything?" the Jewish guy says, $100 bill in hand, "Anything?" The hooker says, "Sure. Look at these two, they're pretty happy."

So the Jewish guy hands her the money and says "Paint my house."

When is crabfest?

Usually the week after Pride.

What is Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?

Wendy's!

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Knock at Pearly Gates. St Peter "Who's there?" .... "It is I." ... "Oh, not another English teacher!"

Old Jewish women on park bench .. "So what's new?" "Good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "I found out my grandson is a Feygele." "And the good news?" "His boyfriend is a Jewish doctor."

Why did the mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B shells.

Woman uses toilet in rest room. Realizes there's no paper. "Anyone gave two fives for a ten"

Bruce was walking along in the Australian outback when he came across Doug, who had a sheep under each arm:

"G'day Doug, you shearing?"

"Nah mate, I'm gonna shag 'em both meself"

What do brussels sprouts and anal sex have in common?

If you didn't like them as a kid you won't like them as an adult.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in the car!

Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with her 3 guy friends? They didnt catch anything, but she came back with a big red snapper.

But it's amazing how jokes can offend people sometimes, I was in a pub and told the following joke:

"What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash."

Once the laughing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

I like all of these, but so far my favorite is wi-fi auto correct.

Do riddles count as jokes?

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two

Why do Jehovah’s Witnesses have inverted nipples?

*finger jabs* GET. OFF. MY. FUCKING. PORCH!!!

And here I thought this was going to be a Harris Waltz thread. My bad.

A man's family are all at Synagogue, as he should be too but the weather is so nice he's told them he's sick and then snuck out to play golf.

Moses and God are looking down upon all they survey, and Moses notices this and calls it to God's attention. God isn't very bothered but Moses insists the man be punished, so God agrees.

The man lines up at his first tee and immediately hits a hole in one.

Moses turns to God, appalled, and says, "You call that punishment?" God shrugs and says, "So, who can he tell?"

Here's one for the Brits:

Whenever I see a celebrity in a pantomime, I like to yell out, "It's beneath you!"

A man and his friend were playing golf. They got to the fifth tee and they noticed a funeral procession driving by the on highway.

One man paused, took off his hat, and bowed his head.

The other man said: "That was very nice of you."

First man said: "It's the least I could do, I was married to her for 26 years."

What kinda wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood

What color were Christie McAuliffe's eyes? Blue. One blew left one blew right.

R6- What did the French waiter say when the Nazis marched into Paris?

Table for 70,000?

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out man

Many, many years ago, a travelling circus owner discovers a region of the mid-west where no one has ever seen an elephant. Dollar signs in his eyes, he packs up his circus into boxcars and heads there, careful to conceal the elephants under large tarps. $urprise in the offing.

Alas, the train transporting the circus is involved in a collision and derailment just short of its first destination. A fire ensues and all the animals, including the tarp-covered elephants, are set free to safely roam the nearby farmland, retrieval planned for later. Local residents are advised to inform the authorities if any strange animals are seen wandering about.

A panicked woman calls the police about "a strange monster" in her cabbage patch, picking up cabbages with its tail. The police ask, "and what does it do with the cabbages?"

She answers, "if I told you, you wouldn't believe it"

Michael Jackson was on a boat with a bunch of little boys, the captain comes up to him and says- Michael we've encountered some trouble and the boat is about to sink. We need to get off the boat right now. What about the children asks Michael. Fuck em says the captain. Is there enough time asks Michael.

Two gross middle-aged guys, let's call them Ed and Tom, are hanging out one spring day in the park with Ed's pet duck Daffy.

Tom says, "Hey, let's go see that new Barbra Streisand movie." Ed answers, "sure but what do I do with Daffy? We don't have time to bring him home and make the movie."

"Bring him with us," says Tom. So off they go.

When they reach the box office, the mean fat bitch with the KAREN nametag says, "WE DON'T ALLOW DUCKS IN HERE." Ed explains his duck is quiet and offers to pay an extra ticket but the answer is still NO.

Tom pulls Ed aside and quietly says, "just stuff Daffy down the front of your pants. When we're inside you can open your fly and Daffy will be fine. He can even watch the movie!" Ed doesn't have to think long before stuffing Daffy down his pants and off they go to buy tickets from fat, mean, Karen at the ticket booth.

Once inside, Tom, Ed and Daffy find suitable center seats a few rows from the screen. Ed opens his fly and Daffy, no worse for wear, happily pops his head out for some chips and a sip of 7up. But this is a popular movie and the theatre fills quickly. Soon two elderly widows sit beside Ed and Daffy.

One elderly woman sees Daffy's head poking out of Ed's pants and tells her companion, "Mildred look!" Mildred looks. "Harriet, calm down. you've seen one, you've seen 'em all"

"BUT THIS ONE IS EATING MY POPCORN"

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench. They notice a small boy playing all by himself in the nearby playground.

“You see that kid over there,” the Priest asks excitedly. “We should fuck him!”

The Rabbi turns to the Priest, horribly confused. “0ur of what?!?”

^^ Out of what?!?”

Goddamn spellcheck.

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They couldn't keep their trunks up.

A gorilla is watching a lion who is drinking from a pond. The lion's head is almost all the way in the water, its butt way up in the air.

The gorilla quietly races up behind the lion, performs surprise anal on him, and takes off running.

The lion is astonished and determined to catch the gorilla. He takes off after him.

Through thick brush, snapping branches and sheer velocity, the gorilla reaches its den, puts on dark sunglasses, sits on his easy chair, puts up the footrest, opens the newspaper and pretends to read.

Sure enough, soon he hears the heavily panting lion. Without moving his head to the lion, the gorilla keeps his eyes on his newspaper.

"Hey", the lion says to the gorilla, "Did you see a gorilla running through here?"

"You mean the one who just cornholed the lion?" the gorilla responds.

"You mean it's in the paper already?" say the lion.

Really awful and not funny yet.

Joe has been for married for 50 years. Friend asked his wife's favorite flower .. "Gold Medal."

What do you call an Irish man with a ferret? An abortionist.

What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shea

I don't get r99

R101 Ferrets are used for hunting.

How do you make a gay man scream twice?

Fuck him hard and wipe your dick on his drapes.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

I am really sorry but I do not get R2.

Is it DADA humor?

Or am I just dense?

Please explain!

The trick wiped his dick with the socks.

Please leave your gay card on the table by the door.

Still not very funny...

I have never had a trick wipe his dick with a sock.

Do American teenagers use socks as cumrags when they jerk off?

"Do American teenagers use socks as cumrags when they jerk off?"

Yes. And so do a lot of men. It's a common meme in (written) porn that you cum into an athletic sock when you're jerking off.

You’re either dense or never jerked off into a sock as a cum-rag R105

I will explain no further.

Disappointing

I still don't get R99! R102 What does being a hunter have to do with abortions?

I confess I have never jerked off into a sock. We had ample access to toilet paper and tissue paper where I grew up.

For fuck's sake, R111 -How dense can you be?? The joke assumes the man shoves the ferret into the woman's.... Oh -I can't go on. Just forget it.

Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy replies, "I’d pet him first."

A woman gets engaged to a Greek man and for some reason her parents are very concerned. Finally the father sits his daughter down and says that, during sex, she doesn’t have to roll over if she doesn’t want to. The couple marries and for several months everything is wonderful. Then, one night in bed, the Greek gent asks the girl to roll over. She sits up and says “Oh, no. My Daddy says I don’t have to roll over if I don’t want to.”

The husband says “What’s the matter? Don’t you want to get pregnant?”

A government car drives up to a farm and the man driving tells the farmer, "I'm a representative from the Dept. of Agriculture and we are checking on how you treat your animals. We have a new machine that we attach to the animals and lets them talk."

The farmer says, "Animals can't talk."

The DA Rep says, "Let's start with the cow. How's the farmer treating you?"

The cow says, "He treats me pretty good. Doesn't wake me up to early, warms his hands before milking me, feeds me well."

The farmer argues, "Cows can't talk!!"

The rep says, "Now, let's check your dog. How's the farmer treating you?"

"Dogs can't talk!!!" yells the farmer.

The dog says, "He treats me well. Let's me sleep inside on cold nights, feeds me yummy table scraps. All is good."

"But dogs can't talk!!!!"

The DA rep says, "Let's check with the sheep."

The farmer says, "Sheep LIE !"

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the fuck of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name is Katz?

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her naked body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a naked man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[quote]The joke assumes the man shoves the ferret into the woman's.... Oh -I can't go on. Just forget it.

I’m not that poster asking about it but…. it makes no sense.

The only things we know are that a guy is Irish and he has a ferret. There’s nothing to assume. I’m early 40’s so maybe I’m too young for that one.

A man and woman are in an elevator.

The man says: "Can I smell your pussy?

The woman is outraged and says: "Absolutely not!"

The man says: "Then it must be your feet."

Why don’t women drink beer at the beach?

Because they’d get sand in their Schlitz.

Thanks, Lizsha.

R120, Best one so far. However, I think it's funner told this way...

A man and woman are in an elevator.

The man says: "Can I smell your feet?

The woman is outraged and says: "Absolutely not!"

The man says: "Then it must be your pussy."

R119 Thank you! There's something wrong with the wording on that ferret joke...I get the intent but the joke doesn't get to that point. I felt bad for the guys who were mocked for questioning it. There's no 'joke' there.

R99, it's funny. Ignore the twats that never will need the Irishman's services.

Shecky Kopecky at R123 is right.

A man and R97 are in an elevator.

The man says: "Can I smell your pussy?

R97 is outraged and says: "Absolutely not!"

The man says: "Then it must be you, you cunt."

Why can’t a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?

Because you can’t eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on your face at the same time.

Q: A gay couple and a lesbian couple decide to move to San Francisco. Who gets there first?

A: The lesbians. They go lickety-split, while he gays are still at home packing their shit.

What's the difference between a dozen cocks and a joke?

Elon Musk can't take a joke.

Four Mormon missionaries die in a car crash. They stand at the pearly gates where St Peter is standing. St. Peter says, “Welcome to heaven boys. To prove yourself holy enough to enter paradise, you must dip any part of yourself that has touched your companions into this basin of holy water.”

The first young man says, ”My finger touched my companion," and proceeds to immerse his finger in the holy water.

The second says ,”My hand touched my companion,” and dips his entire hand into the water.

The fourth one pushes the third one out of the way and exclaims, ”I need to gargle with this shit before he sticks his ass in there!”

What do gay men call it when they bleach their assholes?

Changing their ring tone.

A man walks into a bar and orders three whiskeys. The bartender says, "Three? You must be celebrating something special!"

The man replies, "Yes. My first blow job."

The bartender grins and says, "That is special. Here's a fourth one on the house."

"No thanks," the man replies, "If the first three don't kill the taste, nothing will."

What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

Two Jewish Ladies On Park Bench ... "So what's new?" .."Good news and bad news" .. "The bad news?" "Just found out may grandson is a Faygela." ... "The good news?" ... "He goin' out with a Jewish doctor,"

R8 would you understand if the answer was Pillsbury?

Dad - "If you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind." "Can I do it until I need glasses?"

Hey, Dad -I'm over here.

Cop: So I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You'reg going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I don’t get r15… 😕

R140, it’s about the absurdity of her pivot from gratitude to ingratitude

Lmao R93! 🤣! That's good!

Who is this Rorschach guy and why did he paint so many pictures of my father's penis?

A Fuedian slip is when you say one thing and fuck your mother.

R140 Jewish mothers and grandmothers are stereotyped as being overly nitpicky/critical.

I also was confused and had to look it up.

Jewish mothers. Oy. This guy I know was a tank commander in the '67 Israeli war. He told me he saved a village from being wiped out and all the people came out of their homes to thank him. When he asked a woman if he could use her phone, she said "Of course. Two shekels." True story.

More, please!

R124, there are common stereotypical tropes when it comes to jokes about different nationalities. Polish people are dumb, Jews are cheap, blacks/Latinos criminals or dumb or hung, Catholics are perverted, and Irish are DIRT poor. Usually this is passed down through generations telling jokes to the next. But I guess that doesn’t happen anymore.

So you have to go into the joke knowing Irish are seen as dirt poor. They can’t afford to go to a doctor or any kind of medical services. So when you are dirt poor, a man with a hunting animal in the shape of something that can slither up a woman’s vagina, becomes an abortionist. He uses the ferret to go inside the woman to kill her baby.

JUST TO SPELL IT OUT.

Irish are also always drunks in jokes.

I meant more jokes, please. Not abortion discussions...

Three married couples died in an airplane crash and were standing before the entrance to heaven.

God said to the first couple: "You love sweets so much, you married a woman named Candy. You'll have to spend a 50 years in purgatory before being allowed in."

God said the the second couple: "You love money so much you married a woman named Penny. You'll have to spend 100 years in purgatory before being allowed in."

The third man turned to his wife and said: "Come on, Fanny, I can see where this is going."

A visibly distressed man walks into a psychiatrist’s office shouting “I’m a teepee! I’m a wigwam! I’m a teepee! I’m a wigwam!”

“Relax,” replied the shrink, “you’re two tents.”

^ I literally caught myself groaning out loud.

R148 Lighten up! You're taking this joke thread too seriously.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied: "No." She responded: "How about now?"

^^Henny Youngman lives!!

Thanks, R155 -I needed that!

Two old friends, Sophie and Doris, meet after many years. Sophie relates to Doris all the wonderful things in her life: "My husband treats me like a queen, and never fails to make me happy. In fact, we just got back from an around-the-world cruise." Doris exclaims "Fantastic!" "And oh, my son, what a handsome boy and a very well-known and respected doctor." Doris says "That's fantastic." "And you remember my daughter Susan, married, with 5 little angel grandchildren for me to enjoy." "That is so fantastic, Sophie."

"So Doris, tell me, what have you been doing since we last met?" Well, Sophie, I've been going to charm school." "Charm school, really? What did you learn there?" "Well, for one thing,I learned how to say 'Fantastic!' instead of 'Bullshit!'

Swing & a near miss, R158.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?

To the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump.

Are they still scissoring?

I’ll dust off this chestnut…

What’s the last thing you want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

I’m not Willie Nelson…

Werner Heisenberg’s car was stopped by a cop for speeding. After getting his driver’s license and registration, the cop says “Mr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg responded “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

^^^Ummmmm...

R164 didn't make it through the fourth grade. Dumbshit.

Good one, R163!

Drinking early again R165? OR did the aliens forget to remove the anal probe again.

Thanks, R165!

More, please!

A bit of 80s gossip, few people know this but Stevie Nicks turned down a marriage proposal from Star Trek actor William Shatner.

Yeah, she didn’t want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.

Same reason Tuesday Weld didn't want to marry Fredric March The Second.

"You get my sleeping pill and I'll let the dog out."

During the American Revolution, why did the British soldiers wear red coats?

So when they were shot, the troops behind them wouldn’t see the blood.

The same reason French officer’s pants are brown.

Too soon, R171. :(

Daughter: “Dad, I’m a lesbian”

Dad: “That’s ok. I still love you”

Daughter 2: “Dad, I’m a lesbian, too”.

Dad: “Does anyone in this house like men?’

Son: “I do”

Dad faints

Actress: I'm here about a part in your movie.

Man: Okay. I'm the director. Take off your clothes and lie down on the desk.

Actress: Oh....you're not the director.

Man: What do you mean?

Actress: You're too subtle.

R171 ???

I love you R152. That’s what I needed today.

Three nuns are walking down the street when they see a naked man with a sign around his neck that says "human vending machine."

The first nun says, "I'm hungry. I think I'll get something." She puts coins in the guy's mouth, yanks on his dick and a candy bar pops out of his ass.

The second nun says, "I'm also hungry." She puts coins in the guy's mouth, yanks on his dick and another candy bar pops out of his ass.

The third nun says, "I think I'll get one, too." She puts coins in the guy's mouth and yanks on his dick, but nothing happens. She yanks on his dick again. Nothing happens. She vigorously yanks on his dick a third time. The nun says, "Oh, look. I got hand lotion!"

A nun was teaching Catechism class. She said, “Today we’re having a pop quiz. Who can tell me the name of the supreme being above us all?”

A boy sitting behind a girl in class jabbed her with a pin. “GOD ALMIGHTY,” the girl cried.

“Why, yes, that’s right,” the nun said. “Now who can tell me the name of his only son?”

The boy jabs the girl again. “JESUS CHRIST,” she cries.

“Right again! You’re very smart today,” says the nun. “Now here’s a hard one, what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their third son?”

The girl turns around and says, “You stick me with that again and I’ll break it!”

Please more. I need this today. A pope joke.,

I don't have a Pope joke, but there's this:

Teacher: Can someone tell me the name of the first man?

Billy: Joseph.

Teacher: No.

Billy: Benjaman?

Teacher: No. It was Adam.

Billy: I knew it was one of the Cartwrights.

I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.

R182 I'm groaning and laughing at the same time - thank you!

R182 is DADA

There was a boy who wanted to be a whore. He was introduced to a pimp who told him: "Okay go downtown for an hour and give some blow jobs and come back and see me."

The boy did so. When he got back the pimp said: "How much money did you make?"

The boy said: "I made 42.25."

Primp said: "Who gave you the quarter?"

The boy said: "All of them."

A bank teller was surprised to see a young girl at her window, asking to open a bank account. The teller asked, "Do you have at least $50?"

"I don't know," said the girl, dumping out a large sack of coins and small bills. The teller counted it all up to find a total of $123.87.

"My!" said the teller, "That's a lot of money! Did your hoard all of this yourself, young lady?"

"Oh, no. My sister whored half of it."

Hey now what’s the matter with your asshole oh yeah

Elon Musk arrives at the White House, determined to make changes and prove he's actually the one in charge. Entering the reception area, he spots a guy leaning against the well, doing nothing. Furious, he storms over to him shouting, "Hey! What do you think you're doing?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Just waiting to get paid."

Elon glares at him. "How much do you make per week?"

"Around $500," the man answers.

Elon reaches into his pocket and counts out a thousand dollars. "There's two week's salary. Now get your ass outta here!" The man leaves without a word.

Feeling proud of his first elimination of wasteful spending, Elon turns to the staff and asks, "Anyone want to tell me what that guy did here?"

One of the employees clears his throat and says, "Uh... that was the pizza delivery guy."

A blonde, eager to earn some extra cash, decided to try her hand with odd jobs. Armed with determination and a bright smile, she wandered into a wealthy neighborhood, knocking on doors and offering her services. At the third house, a well-dressed man answered. "Hello," said the woman, "I'm doing handyman work to earn extra money.. Do you have any jobs I could help you with?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "Well, actually, yes I do. You could paint my porch. It wraps all the way around the house."

The blonde nodded enthusiastically. "Great," she said. "How about... $50?"

"It's a deal!" the man replied. You'll find the paint, brushes, and other equipment in the tool shed behind the garage." As he closed the door his wife, who had overheard the conversation, raised an eyebrow.

"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? That's a big job for $50!"

"She should. After all, she was standing on it..."

A couple of hours later the doorbell rang. The blonde stood there, some splotches of paint spattered on her clothes and face, but with a big smile. "All finished!" she said. "And I had some paint left over, so I gave it two coats." The man was surprised, but impressed.

"Wow, that was fast! Hang on and I'll get your $50."

As he handed the girl her money, the blonde added with a satisfied smile, "By the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.

A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him.

"What's wrong?" one asks.

"I’m depressed!” he sighs. “The wife and I are having troubles."

"What kind?"

"Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional".

"Well,” another woman says, “if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She's kinky. She'll make you feel better."

He walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc.

All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving....

"Hey, what's the matter?” she asks. “I thought we were going to have a scene?"

"Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I'm outta here."

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. Says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5.000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss we are very happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A pair of hikers were walking through a valley when they came upon a very large hole in the ground. "That's a pretty big hole," said the first, "At least five or six feet across. I wonder what it is?"

"It's probably an air shaft for an old mine. There used to be lots of mines in this area awhile back," said his friend.

The two men were curious as to how far down the hole went, so they picked up a pebble and tossed it in -but they never heard it hit the bottom. They got a larger rock and tossed it in, but likewise they never heard its impact. Searching around for something bigger, the first hiker saw an old railroad tie and tossed it down the hole. Again -no sounds! But before they could comment on it, a dog came running up and leaped into the hole! The men were stunned. They listened, but couldn't hear the the dog.

A few minutes later a young boy came up to them. "Have you guys seen my dog?" he asked. The men exchanged horrified glances, and finally the first man said to the boy. I don't know if t was your dog, but a few minutes ago we did see a dog. He came running up and jumped right into this hole in the ground."

"Nah," said the boy, "That couldn't have been my dog. My dog was tied up to a railway tie."

^not funny.

A drunk man in a London pub walked up to two women sitting at the bar and asked: "Are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of the girls was irritated and said: "Wales."

The man said: "Oh, sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Woman gave handyman list of ten things to be fixed, When she came home, only three, five and seven were done. "I only do odd jobs."

What do a 14 yo pregnant girl and her fetus have in common?

They're both thinking, "Mom's gonna kill me."

Did you hear about the night club for men with erectile dysfunction?

It was a flop and no one came.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

a Lickalotapuss.

Do you know the German word for bra?

Holzemfremflopin

Actually, it's Büstenhalter.

[quote] Werner Heisenberg’s car was stopped by a cop for speeding. After getting his driver’s license and registration, the cop says “Mr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?”

[quote] Heisenberg responded “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

I heard that Schrödinger was in the car with Heisenberg. After writing the ticket the cop also mentioned their taillight was out and asked to pop the trunk. When he came back he asked,

“Do you know you’ve got a dead cat in the trunk?”

To which, Schrödinger replied, “I do now, asshole!”

R193, did you tell that wrong?

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.

What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you racsist!

What can a cow do that a woman can't do?

Stand in water up to her tits and not get her ass wet.

What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

Papa Smurf fucked smurfette in 1981

When is crabfest?

Usually the week after Pride.

What happened to Truly Tasteless Jokes?

The shortest books ever written, Italian wit and wisdom, and negroes I have met while yachting

A man and a young boy are walking late at night in the forest. The scary sounds and the creepy blackness are too much for the boy and he starts to shake. "I'm... I'm scared," says the boy. The man replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who is going to have to walk out of here alone."

good one, r197

What did George Washington say right after he crossed the Delaware?

He said “Poop poop de doop. Poop poop de doop.”

^^^ wtf?

R213 is hilarious

I love that kind of stupid shit.

[quote]A man and a young boy are walking late at night in the forest. The scary sounds and the creepy blackness are too much for the boy and he starts to shake. "I'm... I'm scared," says the boy. The man replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who is going to have to walk out of here alone."

I heard that for the first time in "Blue Valentine". I still get a chuckle.

It's been posted here several times too, R216.

If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out -What are you while you're IN the bathroom?

To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

What do you call a bad lawyer?

Senator

How many cocks have you sucked today?

4

😂

r218 European

You're-a-peein'. 😏

It's a classic dark humor joke, r217. Not surprised I wasn't the first to post it.

I'm sure this one has been posted as well.

A family gets into a terrible accident. Vehicle is on fire. People trapped. Screaming. Boy manages to escape. Not knowing what to do, he says a prayer and starts running down the road for help. He sees a car and waves it down. It's his pastor. The boy relays the details of the horrible situation. Pastor looks around, gets out of the car, pulls his dick out of his pants and says, "Well, son, I guess it just isn't your day, is it?"

A grade school teacher is giving a language lesson on the word "beautiful." She says to the class, "Can anyone use 'beautiful' in a sentence?"

"My mother has a beautiful ring," one girl says. "The sky is beautiful today," says another. Round and round, every kid in the class gives an example of a sentence with beautiful in it, with the last being Johnny.

"Can you use 'beautiful' in a sentence, Johnny?" the teacher asks.

Johnny says, "When my sister told my dad she was pregnant, my dad said, 'Beautiful! Fucking beautiful!'"

I bought a neutron at a garage sale and didn’t spend a dime.

It was free of charge.

That wedding was so beautiful, everyone cried. Even the cake was in tiers.

You heard about the Polish starlet who couldn’t get a job in Hollywood?

She couldn’t understand why. “I mean, I fucked all the writers.”

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food

All stereotypes are based on facts. We are tired of people who are "offended." Extensive medical studies reveal that no one has ever died from "being offended." Get a grip, you're not so frikkin' important.

What's brown and lays on a piano bench?

Beethoven's second movement.

Have any of you realized that when you clean out a vacuum cleaner...

...you become a vacuum cleaner?

R231 reminds me that you are never IN traffic, you ARE traffic.

Papa Smurf fucked Smurfette!!

Drunk guy goes grocery shopping and heads for the checkout line behind a woman. He looks at her then looks at the contents of her shopping cart, then looks back at her and says to her, "I bet you're single."

She answers, "why yes, I am. Did know know from looking at the items in my cart?"

Him - "No. I knew because you're fucking ugly."

Two buzzards were sitting in a tree. One said to the other: "Patience my ass. I'm gonna kill something."

One afternoon, Jesus and Moses were golfing together. Jesus said, “Watch this. It’ll be just like Arnold Palmer.” He hits the ball and it goes right into the lake. “Oh, yeah…just like Arnold,” Moses said.

Moses went down to the lake, parted it like the Red Sea, retrieved the ball and brought it back to Jesus.

“Okay,” Jesus said, “This time it WILL be like Arnold Palmer!” He hits the ball and again it goes right into the lake. “You can get it yourself this time,” Moses says.

Jesus goes down to the lake and starts walking around on the water looking for the ball. By this time, a small crowd had gathered. A man says, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?!” Moses replied, “No. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”

R233, you keep posting that. We all know the village was bending Vanity Smurf over a mushroom.

Henny Youngman joke:

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

They want to.

What is the difference between a band of midget bank robbers and a girls’ track team?

One is a bunch of cunning runts.

What is the difference between a lesbian and a canoe?

A canoe will tip.

We Don’t Need Another Joke Thread (Thunderdome)

Why do fat people smell bad?

So blind people can hate them too.

Helen Keller jokes:

Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand? She sings with the other.

Why did Helen Keller hold on with only one hand when she fell halfway down the well? She called for help with the other.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? She moans with the other.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was AYERIGHAUGHGUG.

R242 you reminded me of my favorite joke as a kid.

Why do farts stink? So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Get your cock out of my pussy!

I don’t have a cock!

That’s good. I don’t have a pussy!

Jesus was nailed to the cross and about to die. He could barely speak but he said: "Peter.....Peter......Peter....."

Peter struggled to climb up the cross and said: "Yes, Lord."

And Jesus said: "Peter. I can see your house from here."

Did you know that the Bible says Mary was a terrible nag?

It says she rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.

My sides.

There was a group of people called the Trids. Every day, when they went to work, they would cross a bridge, and the troll that lived underneath it would jump out and start kicking them.

They got fed up with it and asked their rabbi to intervene. The rabbi agreed. He went to the bridge and crossed it. But the troll didn't kick him.

The rabbi called out to the troll, "Why do you kick the Trids and not me?"

The troll said, "Silly rabbi. Kicks are for Trids!"

A rich bitch lying by a swimming pool

More, please!

A little girl goes to a pet shop. She says:

“I’d like to have a fwuffy bunny wabbit, pwease.”

The clerk looks at her, condescendingly and says:

“A bwown fwuffy bunny wabbit, ow a bwack fwuffy bunny wabbit?”

The girl replies:

“Do you weally fink my pyfon gives a fwuck?”

What's the best birthday present you can give someone? A broken drum, because you just can't beat it.

What kind of birthday cake should you get for a ghost? I scream cake.

Jesus is nailed up on the cross.

Jesus: "Oh, god... Ohhh, god!!!

John: (sucking sounds)

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

If I told you ten puns to try and get you to laugh I doubt that no pun in ten did.

If you put a picture of your self in a locket, you could say you are in dependent

The invention of the dildo had a deeper impact than anticipated

What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore

what did one toilet say to the other toilet? On a scale of one to ten urinate.

How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

What do you get when you mix literature and alcohol? Tequila mockingbird.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing

Man if Satan ever starts losing his hair, there will be Hell Toupee

I tried to make my password Beefstew, but it said Password not stroganoff.

I should have been sad when the batteries in my flashlight died but I was delighted

You must be a sea lion, because I can see you lying in my bed later.

I held the door open for a guy dressed as a clown. I thought it was a nice Jester.

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo. One is heavy the other is a little lighter.

What do you call a ring of $100 bills? A-wreath-a Franklins

Half-way through a cross-country flight: "Ladies, and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you again for flying with us today. Some of you may have noticed a recent decrease in speed and thrust. It's nothing to be concerned about. We have had a slight malfunction with engine #4. But our other three engines will get us safely to our destination with only a short delay of 15 minutes of our anticipated arrival time. Sit back and enjoy the flight."

One hour later: "Ladies and Gentlemen. We have lost now engine #2. You may notice some slight turbulence. But we'll get you down safe. Only about one-hour behind schedule."

30 minutes later: "Passengers. Please remain seated and safety belts on. We have now lost engine #3. Ground crew is preparing the runway for emergency landing. Going to be a rough landing. But be assured, we will land safely and only about two hours behind schedule."

Little old lady in seat 34B: "Fuck! If we lose that fourth engine, we'll be up here all God-damned day!".

Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”

“And what happened, honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, so he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”

Thank you, R258. I needed that.

A man was telling his friends that he had just learned that ED could be cured by diet and exercise. The problem is that he couldn't find a way to tell his wife she needed to diet and exercise.

What's brown and has holes in it?

Swiss shit.

What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s finger.

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a hot ass.

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have lentil on me. ..

Transgender people aren't what they used to be.