I fucking HATED Lucy Ewing on Dallas

Didn’t she fuck her uncle?

I hated her episode on Knots.

We used to call her the Poison Dwarf growing up.

Charlene’s all fat and religious now.

Charlene had one of the funniest guest roles as herself in Married… with Children. She was trying to sell some junk exercise thing through an infomercial. Peggy orders one and Charlene comes to the Bundys house and shows them how it works. They can’t get rid of her. She just stays in the house in the living room the entire episode with everyone eventually no longer paying attention to her until she inserts herself into a random conversations they’re having, even voting against Al. lol

Oh, and Peggy ends up using the exercise thing as a bowl to eat chips out of. lol. Charlene was a good sport.

But OP, Charlene Tilton is one of the MOST INFLUENTIAL WOMEN of our time - and probably anybody else's for that matter . . .

I was convinced Lucy was so angry at her father (Gary) because she couldn’t fuck him. There was sexual chemistry between father and daughter. Val needed to keep an eye on her.

The late writer/critic Clive James once described Lucy as a “neckless blonde sex grenade half as high as everyone else” which still makes me chortle.

Poison Dwarf

Lovely…..That’s always the word used to describe someone you can’t stand when you’re trying to be nice

More fascinating than ever in its current series, Dallas (BBC1) continues to offer its uniquely Texan combination of wealth, family conflict and sumptuous, scantily draped females. The men wear Astroturf haircuts topped off with ten-gallon hats. Marginally more simpatico this time, J.R. Ewing has a new haircut which changes colour from shot to shot and a hatband composed of what appear to be crushed budgerigars. In the normal course of events he is an easy man to loathe, but lately he is having a prarlm with his wife. A prarlm is something difficult to solve.

Sue Ellen has had a baby, of which J.R., all unbeknownst to him, is not the father. She used to have a drinkin’ prarlm, but quit. Now she has a different prarlm: she hates J.R. ‘If we trah, really trah,’ J.R. tells her, his hair changing colour and his hatband fluttering in the wind, ‘we can solve all our prarlms.’ Sue Ellen sneers at him and doffs her robe preparatory to a dip in the pool. J.R. eyeballs her fair form and declares himself lustful, as well he might, because Sue Ellen is beautiful enough to make a man break down and crah.

Spurned by Sue Ellen, J.R. climbs into his powerful convertible and drives off to lernch. A meal taken in the middle of the day, lernch is when characters in Dallas get together to discuss the plot. It transpires that Sue Ellen’s baby may well be suffering from neuro-fibrowhosis, a rare disease which attacks children who have been written into a long-running series and may have to be written out again later. Sue Ellen, it is agreed, must not be told. ‘Sue Ellen’s already so guilty about the baby this could well put her over the edge. Don’t you understand she’s not well emotionally’?

Not well emotionally, Sue Ellen climbs languidly out of the pool. She looks quite well in other respects. Beads of chlorinated water cling to her peachy epidermis. But just when you are thinking that no woman could have a more attractively lopsided contemplative smile than Sue Ellen, her sister Kristin comes back. Kristin has been away. That is why she has come back. In order to come back, she had to go away in the first place. Kristin wants J.R. She and Sue Ellen engage in a lopsided contemplative smile competition.

The third beautiful woman in the cast is the level-headed even though lovely Pamela. For a cattle man who’s had a hard day at the computer terminal, coming home to discover one or more of these ladies lying around the pool sure takes a weight off his mind. Removing his hat would take even more weight off his mind, but there are limits.

Dallas would have the same basic selling proposition as Charlie’s Angels — three gorgeous females who partly disrobe one at a time — if it were not for the additional presence of such weirdo supernumeraries as Lucy, a neck-less blonde sex grenade only half as high as everybody else. Miraculously preserved, the elder Ewings hover worriedly in the background. Called Jock and Miss Ellie, they are out of an up-market version of The Waltons. In fact Dallas is like every American soap opera you have ever seen, all rolled into one and given an unlimited charge account at Neiman-Marcus.

Deep cleavage with a cross ➕ on top is offensive.

Tiltin'

That’s the review! Thank you R11 - it’s decades since I read that. Clive was clever.

R11 okay that made me laugh. Im probably going to send it to my mom, who watched it while it aired.

Wasn't Barbara bel Geddes a little elderly to have a young daughter? And Jock was even older.

I think that Lucy was their granddaughter, right?

Lucy was the granddaughter r16. You clearly never watched the show. Idk why you’re commenting.

Lucy was the daughter of Gary and Val Ewing.

I liked Charlene/Lucy. It was nice to see a curvy lass on TV during a time when most actresses were stick figures.

R19 no one is saying they disliked her for her body type. She was also super short so the curvy body only made her appear chunkier than she actually was.

Well if you’re going to get snippy, R18, you should call Val by her full name, which is “Valene”.

R19 I did love Lucy, so to speak, but she was mainly curvy through being borderline dwarf.

Great hair, though!

That's what made me fall in love with Charlene Tilton was a shampoo commercial.

She was also married to the singer who was "Lookin' for Love" in all the wrong places! At the peak of the Urban Cowboy craze!

R21 you loved her but didn’t know she is Gary and Val’s (yes, they call her Val on Knots, not Valene) daughter?

R20. I didn't mean she was being criticized for her body type. Just pointing out that she was curvy during a period where anorexic was in. Sorry if I was unclear.

I would have gladly presented hole to Gary or Ray.

I have a vague recollection of her trying to have a pop career in the 80's. I used to read "Bravo" (a German teen mag) at the time, being a kid in Europe and Charlene Tilton was a permanent fixture in it during the Dallas heyday. They really tried to make her a breakout star of the show but she disappeared like a fart caught in a whirlwind once Dallas started to lose its popularity.

Me, as well, OP. I always thought that her face looked like it was fashioned using extra flesh taken from her tits.

Calm down down R23 - I did love Lucy (but possibly so that I could make an “I Love Lucy” joke 40 years later).

But I obviously didn’t love her as much as you. No disrespect intended!

I am thrilled to gave discovered a new (to me) DL subculture - Lucy Ewing obsessives!

*have not gave

She tilted forward. Watch the show.

R28 I don’t like her at all. One doesn’t need to love the character to know who she was on the show. If you watched the show you know who she was. She wasn’t a guest star. She was one of the main characters

Charlene spend her life exploring the subtle whoring that cost too much to be free.

She was the original fat whore

Pick on someone your own size, OP!

My mother used to call her Butterball, because she was shaped like a Butterball turkey.

R32 focusing on important issues such as whether or not Lucy Ewing played by neckless dwarf Charlene Tilton was a main character rather than a guest star.

In a TV show.

In 1978.

Keep fighting the good fight R32!

The DL never fails to deliver.

I liked Lucy before Mitch came around, and during the season she was in love with Mickey Trotter.

Otherwise she was annoying as fuck.

Lucy needed to be tied more into JR’s universe, like marrying a Ewing Oil Employee or Police Officer; or giving her something to do like run a restaurant. She just lay around the house in her later years, occasionally fucking a guest star and making a couple of cunty comments to JR.

Here’s Charlene in a Soft N Dry deodorant ad from 1976. She’s at the 14-second mark. PJ Soles of Carrie and Halloween is featured, too.

She had great hair.

She was the Cousin Oliver of Dallas, even though she was one of the original characters.

But don’t forget, R41 - main character not special guest star!

R11 thanks for posting that, Clive James was brilliant. I like his TV show Clive James on TV, Jackie Stallone was a spectacular guest via satellite.

Bobby in the shower 🚿

Lucy was a great character...totally lost and out of place she thought initially she had to fight and be a bitch to get noticed. Charlene was cast because she was young. She'd just done Freaky Friday with Jodie Foster. But she didnt grow up any more. She was a lovely actrss though...always had a real sadness behind Lucy that stemmed from Gary and Val leaving her behind.

Holy shit R39 I had forgotten about that commercial! The Charlene Tilton bit is almost a carbon copy of the driving test scene with Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.

Lorimar hae used her in a memorable 8 is Enough episode, playing a snooty girl who breaks Willie Aames's heart, and that is what helped get her cast on Dallas. She was good the first few seasons, but I think cocaine became a problem, like it did with many 80's starlets.

Throwback makeup: “blusher” all the way up to the temples

R33 - She’s been to Georgia and California.

One positive Lucy brought o the show was her succession of hot boyfriends. I still remember the really hairy one (though not his name, obviously).

Charlene loves the gays.

R45 wouldn’t the actress cast as teenage Lucy have to be young? She was cast because they felt she was right for the role on top of being young, which she would have to be to play Lucy.

R45 she didnt even know Gary and Val got remarried. In season 1 of Knots she finds out they both got remarried and she comes to Knots to try and live with them because Val insists. After a few days of arguing with Gary nonstop she decides to move back to Dallas.

[quote] always had a real sadness behind Lucy that stemmed from Gary and Val leaving her behind.

Leaving her behind? She was stolen out of her mother’s arms in a field as a baby. And Valene was broke teenage trash who had zero means to fight the Ewings. Hardly an abandonment. J.R. was such a piece of shit.

Her father, on the other hand, was a worthless drunk who was on a never ending bender.

She lucked out being raised on a ranch by her multimillionaire grandparents and fucking her hot half-uncle in the hayloft.

Charlene Tilton is on 4'11". The rest of the ladies towered over her. Linda is 5'8". They all wore super-high heeled shoes. Even with the heels, Charlene was way shorter than everybody. Except maybe Miss Ellie.