Do you have an alcoholic in your family…that you live with?

I'm an alcoholic. I'm fine... as long as I have wine. Just a bottle every night for my 'rumatiz' medicine, as Granny use to say.

[quote]I absolutely hate him at this point.

I feel you, OP. I am an alcoholic and I hate myself at this point.

You need to go to AA. It's not just for the drinker but for those that have to live with them. They have meetings just for those that don't drink.

You have to leave OP. You know that.

OP, there's no living with an active addict, whether the drug is alcohol or something else. For your own good and possibly his, you should break up.

You can't fix him.

R3 means you need to go to Al-Anon - not AA.

AA is for the alcoholics not you OP.

R3 I hope you meant to post that OP should go to Al-Anon.

That's the 12 Step group that spouses, partners, children and friends go to.

AA meetings are for alcoholics.

I grew up around nothing but alcoholics. It's largely why I've shuffled around between my mom's dad's uncles aunts and such because all of them were hardcore addicts..

r6 yes, thank you

The neighbour beside me in my apartment complex is an alcoholic. He and his gorgeous tiny wife - my own age - are Mexican. They met in med school and he eventually lost his licence to practice so they left Cancún to become traffic flaggers up here. He drives to and from his worksite drunk all.the time. His health care professional sister is part of the team that attended my cataract surgery in January (small world).

One night he hit his 4'10" wife so hard against our common wall I thought one of them was moving furniture. He's 5'7". He could have killed her.

He's a big time failure and knows it.

He has liver cancer now.

OP, All the reactions you've been having are very common among spouses of active addicts. Including the part about absolutely hating him at this point.

You will definitely find people living in similar situations to yours in Al-Anon meetings. You'll be amazed to hear people telling their stories in meetings -- you'll think they're been reading your diary because they'll be expressing inner feelings and thoughts that match yours.

There's lots of help available to you in Al-Anon, if you just go with an open mind and an open heart.

Good luck.

OP = JLo, drumming up sympathy.

Not anymore. I did some ass kick-to-the-curb intervention

OP, you can't control what the other person does. You can only control your own behavior. Al-Anon will give you support and help but they'll also tell you the same thing.

He's not going to stop drinking or start working unless he wants to, and right now, he has a place to sleep and food to eat. You have to decide whether you want to continue staying in that space, or whether you can live elsewhere and take care of yourself.

You know when you argue every day about his drinking, it isn't helping. It makes him want to drink more. Try some positive encouragement for a change.

Easy for you to say r15. OP is fed up, stressed, miserable and depressed.

Hey, newbies, this guy at OP has been whining about his bf forever. He's never going to leave, he just likes to bitch and moan to us at DL.

Ignore him.

Ah, my dear. I’ve known a few people in my time who had a bit too much of a fondness for the bottle, and let me tell you, it’s no picnic. But fighting every day? How exhausting. Life is far too short to waste it on endless bickering.

You’re burned out, and who could blame you? Carrying the weight of someone else’s demons is enough to grind down even the strongest among us. But you, my dear, you have to remember who you are. Where’s that spark, that fire? You’re not here to be a caretaker, nor a martyr. You’re here to live YOUR life, and don’t you forget it.

As for how to deal with living with a drunk? Well, first, stop fighting. It’s like arguing with the tide - it gets you nowhere but wet and weary. Instead, take a step back, find your strength, and decide what you really want. Life’s too precious to spend it drowning in someone else’s sorrows. If he refuses to help himself, then perhaps it’s time to help YOURSELF to a bit of peace, with or without him.

Remember, darling, you deserve more than just surviving - you deserve to thrive. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

^ He's right you know.

Alright, here’s the deal. You’re living with a man who’s chosen the bottle over everything else, including you. You can’t fight him into sobriety, and you can’t drag him to the life he’s too busy destroying.

You’ve been carrying this weight alone, and it’s wearing you down. But here’s some tough truth: you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

Stop enabling him, stop fighting a losing battle, and start focusing on yourself. You deserve better than this, and it’s time to take action. Make a plan, get some support, and don’t be afraid to walk away if that’s what it takes to reclaim your life.

Al-Anon would be a good start. You’ve got the strength - now use it.

Have you thought about drinking with him, OP?

Is he a pissing the bed drunk, OP?

Set some boundaries OP. You can’t save him but you can save yourself.

OP won't ever do anything.

My four brothers and sisters are alcoholics, and their spouses usually have been. My father was, and both grandfathers were. I'm not, but of course my first relationship was with an older man who, I found, was an alcoholic. I stayed there through all the horror, which was sharp. He died a long, painful death, as I learned more and more.

I've learned that we're not responsible for what other people do to themselves, and unconditional love is not a sacrificial offering. Not working, lazing about, taking advantage, not seeking counseling and treatment, promises not kept: It's time to move on.

[quote] One night he hit his 4'10" wife so hard against our common wall I thought one of them was moving furniture. He's 5'7". He could have killed her.

R10, did you call 911?

R15 is joking, I'm pretty sure.

She did r26.

No, I wasn't r27.

There’s an old saying that you can’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

OP is setting himself on fire to keep himself warm in this case.

He’s on disability and so is his partner and he doesn’t want to move because he won’t be able to find a place that he can afford where he doesn’t have to live with anyone else.

“unconditional love is not a sacrificial offering”

R25 That’s beautiful and a good reminder. Thank you.

Oh that's absolutely right R31 - reading your post I have just remembered the OP and that situation. OP has been posting about it on DL for several years at least. Nothing ever happens.

This thread just became pointless to post in any further.

[bold]GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OP.[/bold]

R31 we HAVE heard from OP before, haven't we

My mother was misdiagnosed with likely fatal cancer in 1969 and after surgery was sent home with a ton of painkillers to likely die....that was fifty-five years ago! She has been a somewhat functioning prescription opiate addict since then, she is now eighty-five, and still no cancer!

Since my dad died a decade ago she's been a total mess and is once more taking me and my siblings down with her. Fighting for years over doling out her Suboxone (which she abuses) has led to my sister just handing her the full month supply and wishing her well. I believe she will keep falling and OD for the thousandth time. I'm waiting for the phone call.

She's a lovely person, but I'm finally admitting I'm ready for it to be over, which is hard to admit. Having an addict as a parent has made me the nervous wreck I've always been.

R35 Given your mom’s history with Suboxone and the struggles you’ve had managing it, you might want to look into Sublocade for her. It’s a long-acting injection that lasts for several months, and the best part is, it’s impossible to abuse. It could be a way to help her manage her condition without the constant worry of misuse, giving you and your siblings some much-needed peace of mind.

We are stuck together because of the cost of first and last month’s rent.

I am reading Al Anon material now. I don’t know how you are supposed to become indifferent to the behaviour of your drunken spouse, but that is what they are teaching. Does anyone have any experience with learning to be detached from the drunk in your life. While still living with them….