How much should we give at a wedding?

I used Google for this very question.

I'd give $150.00

OP, I'm in the same quandry. It's the wedding of my friend's son! I barely know the kid.

Thanks, R1 for the link. Very helpful.

There is no breach of etiquette to not give to the couple a wedding present. The breach is caused by the wedding couple if they convey even an iota of a hint that a gift is expected.

I hasten to add when I accept an invitation to attend a wedding, I do give a gift card or cash because those two things are always the right size and the right color.

150 is fine for a single guest but a couple should give 250 or 300. You cover the cost of the plate plus a little extra.

I just went through this. We ended up giving $500 and stayed home because of Covid.

[quote]150 is fine for a single guest but a couple should give 250 or 300. You cover the cost of the plate plus a little extra.

Sorry, but this is one of the biggest misconceptions of attending a wedding, and it has gotten out of hand.

You are a GUEST at an event, and you are not expected to 'cover the cost of the plate'. The host and hostess (whether it be the parents of the bride, groom, or both; the newlyweds themselves, etc.) have already figured out how much they can afford for each guest when they did the budget. They are NOT / should NOT be looking for reimbursement - that's tacky. This is not a dinner event where you are expected to 'buy tickets' to offset the cost of the event.

That said, you - the guest - give as much as you can afford in your budget for the event, and you give what you think is thoughtful. A gift in a box wrapped up in gift paper is just as acceptable as an envelope with cash or a VISA gift card inside, not to mention much more thoughtful.

And for those who say the bride and groom don't want to be bothered 'lugging gifts' to their car at the end of the night, don't worry - they won't. This is one of the responsibilities of the wedding party (bridesmaids and bridegrooms) to do, with the help of the couple's immediate family members (parents, siblings). BTW, along with the 'boxed gifts', they are responsible for collecting all the 'envelopes' at the end of the night, too.

And what r6 wrote is correct even if you're invited, show-up with no gift, drink copious amounts of liquor at what should be an open bar and eat like a hungry truck-driver at "Hearty Platter" road stop.

Then, along with whoever you picked up for the night if you're single (or coupled!), put your drunken ass on an elevator to your room or call an uber to wherever you're going to get it on.

Customs change. The “cover your plate” concept is tacky as hell, but it’s in people’s heads. It used to be that people picked gifts from a registry, now people don’t like that. And there is a good reason - nobody pays retail anymore. That custom was a way for Tiffany’s to skim 40% off the transfer from guest to bride and groom.

It’s nice to know the old rules and to understand the logic behind manners and social conventions. But to ignore what has become more common custom because you know it’s “wrong” and doesn’t align with your more sophisticated understanding of the world is pretty bad manners, isn’t it?

R3 is wrong. Attending a wedding and not giving a gift is not OK. They won’t even understand what happened. Someone will be trying to reconcile spreadsheets and trying to figure out how Mr. X’s gift got lost and if any other gifts from non-attending invitees were lost. You would probably get a vaguely worded thank you note and cause somebody a lot of stress. If you don’t go and you don’t know them, that’s a different story. All you owe them is an RSVP.

If you attend, $150 isn’t enough for a couple. $200 isn’t enough. $500 is safe. $300 - $499, I don’t know. I don’t go to so many events that I have to sweat it, so I’d go with $500.

[quote] Mr. X’s gift got lost and if any other gifts from non-attending invitees were lost.

This was unclear. If you attend and don’t give a gift, they may worry that a whole batch of gifts got lost because some people do send gifts even if they don’t attend. If you don’t attend and don’t send a gift it won’t raise any flags because that’s normal.

I'm not wrong, r8.

What, of the following events, is the couple "hosting"?

"Please share our happiness. We'd like you to attend our marriage vows?"

or,

"We're shaking you down because we're getting married and want you to pay for it."

If it's a shakedown, at least be up front about it.

You've already answered your own question. It's the height of tackiness to so-called "host" an event if you can't pick-up the tab for it.

It's the height of tackiness to "keep track of" a roster of invitees who didn't bring a gift or brought a gift.

If you can't afford to properly host an event, here's a thought- don't have that event.

They keep track so they can thank the guests, dipstick.

If the groom is hot, then give the couple a card with your address and preferred times for anal sex from the groom during the next two weeks. Include a gift card for a manicure for the bride while you are getting your hole pounded.

Dipstick, here, at r11.

Of course, that's a requirement to thank whoever brought a gift.

But that whole spread-sheet, let's cross correlate our list of guests with the list of who brought a gift thing is just tawdry.

I’d get a lovely card and a check for $25.00

and a word on the subject from Miss Manners: The very notion that wedding guests, or any guests, owe their hosts for what they ate and drank is a disgusting perversion of the notion of hospitality. People who want to charge admission to their weddings, rather than simply share the occasion with those about whom they care, should sell tickets.

$500 for a wedding gift? Fuck that noise. What are some of you smoking?

Don’t forget that prior to the wedding gift there was the engagement party gift and the destination wedding hotel and airfare outlay. Oh and Xanax for the plane. All for people who have a fair likelihood of divorce.

I'm from Southern old money and never heard of "covering the cost of your plate". That is the tackiest thing I have ever heard. We invite people to the wedding because we want them there. Who gives a shit how much they can afford to spend on a gift? We thank them the same with a nice, prompt handwritten note regardless if they have a 25 dollar salt and pepper shaker or a 500 dollar food processor. Manners, dear friends. Manners.

If I am with someone and they pull this shit, it’s done. If it got that far, I want a marriage not just a wedding. Save that drama for the reality show in your head.

$1,000.

R10 is correct (also correct in his previous posts).

Asking eldergays on a limited budget who haven’t left their homes for a big social event since the last century will, unsurprisingly, not provide you with an accurate understanding of contemporary manners or cultural expectations.

If you can’t afford more than $100, a nice vase or a coffee table book meaningful to you/them is fine, OP.

R22 Says the person who thinks OP should give $1,000.

In NYC metro area, $500 for a couple is standard.

In the age of online gift registries and people having everything delivered, it would be asinine to lug a gift to the reception and then expect someone to get it to the couple afterwards. If you want to send a gift rather than give cash for the love of god send it to their home.

If they can afford a $100,000 wedding I wouldn't be inclined to give them much. That's nuts. Meryl Streep got married in her parents back garden.

OP, $100.00 is a very nice amount. Don't worry about it past that. Also as R6 wrote, give what you can afford

Is the couple registered? That should solve your problem. Find a gift from the registry you like and what you can afford.

I appreciate that the younger generation does not want "stuff," but seeing contributions to "Home Repairs/Renovations," "Buying our first home," and "Travel/Vacation" funds on wedding registries is just plain tacky and smacks of begging.

It was far simpler when all you had to do was send a place setting of their china.

It was even simpler before average people had gift registries. Then you could just give them what you thought was a nice gift. A set of wine glasses, or a silver tray.

I'd be FAR more likely to give $500 to a couple who had a small, simple wedding because they don't have a lot of money than to a couple who can afford a $100K blow-out. But I'm a socialist from a white trash background and think money should go to those who need it.

Whatever happened to a nice toaster? A four slicer if you want to get fancy.

How about a romantic birdhouse mailbox?

R29 I agree.

R30 I was thinking it wasn't that long ago!

I would just not go if the expectation is $150 gift per head. They can invite someone else.

Your entire life savings. Show everyone else at the wedding who has the biggest dick in the room.

I'd give $200 these days.

I’m flashing back on the card I once received in which the newlywed bride graciously thanked me for attending her wedding to one of my cousins — that I did not attend, nor even acknowledge with a note, and to which I did not send a single thing.

I LIKE that cousin but I see him once every five years, maybe. I can’t remember the wife’s name, nor the name of the first woman to whom he had promised lifelong heterosexual fidelity, either, and couldn’t pick the wife out at the family reunion, which I reluctantly attend every couple years.

All of which is to say: context is everything and I don’t see why you feel it necessary to present something to a person you don’t know for taking views they are extremely unlikely to uphold, but I do have to acknowledge that there are heads perhaps wiser and certainly better mannered than I in this thread.

So do as you will and can afford. Good luck.

If you want to actually give them a real gift, $300 per head. Yes, it’s a lot, but generosity is contagious.

One of the last weddings I went to (about five years ago), I gave $100. I never got a thank you card and they were divorced in less than two months. I imagined my modest wedding gift helped pay for a divorce attorney. People suck.

Glad I’ve aged out of wedding invites.

I have never heard of of this notion of "covering the cost of your plate"... that is some hot bullshit. Furthermore, plenty of people have cheap-ass backyard weddings (the horror) and serve chicken wings and mac and cheese. So what, the gift should be $20?

[quote]It was even simpler before average people had gift registries. Then you could just give them what you thought was a nice gift. A set of wine glasses, or a silver tray.

R29 Yes! It was easier to just re-gift things from your own wedding; those pricy items you couldn't return and would never use. Some of those items probably made it back to the original couple who gave it as a gift!

[quote] Furthermore, plenty of people have cheap-ass backyard weddings (the horror) and serve chicken wings and mac and cheese.

I don't know them.

[quote] It was even simpler before average people had gift registries. Then you could just give them what you thought was a nice gift. A set of wine glasses, or a silver tray.

Good wine glasses and a real silver tray sound more expensive than $100 or $150 in today's money.

The wedding ($100K) that OP describes sounds too rich for my blood.

I would decline and not even send a gift.

For another type of wedding, more moderate, I'd give $100 as a single person, $200 as a couple.

Weddings have become a dysfunctional relationship between the two people getting married, and their friends / guests.

It's not just the wedding, there's the wedding party (special clothing), bachelor/ette parties, bridal shower, etc.

Glad I'm older and don't get invited to much.

Son of a good friend from grad school. Hmmmm. I would give a hand-held can opener and call it a day. Maybe a gift certificate to Aldi.

But I bet their gift registry (ugh--gift registries!) is with Neiman Marcus.

Tape 3 quarters to the inside of a wedding card

Even my nana always put in a two dollar bill, r46. CHEAPO!

R45, the gift registry is their honeymoon, deconstructed: donate $75 to their resort room, donate $50 for a gourmet dinner, etc. There are no toasters to be found.

Also, the bride and groom are paying for the wedding entirely on their own. There's some internal family drama (though both families will be in attendance), but the drama has resulted in bride and groom deciding they'll just pay for everything with no family help. I think if I had $100,000 in my late 20s, I'd be buying a house.

But, also, I'm not in my late 20s.

The "$500 is the right amound person/people" have lost their fucking minds.

My friend's son makes more money than I do AT HIS FIRST JOB RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE.

I've already had to spend $$ on new outfits (it's an Indian wedding) which I will probably never wear again.

Too bad you can't just rent an outfit.

In Japan, the women rent the traditional wedding outfits. It's expensive just to rent it.

It depends. Is there going to be a baked potato bar?

[quote] Asking eldergays on a limited budget who haven’t left their homes for a big social event since the last century will, unsurprisingly, not provide you with an accurate understanding of contemporary manners or cultural expectations.

Right - let's ask the millennials and zoomers who still live at home with mommy and daddy because they can't afford to move out, and can't hold down a 40 hour a week job for more than a week, how much they stuff the envelope with their unlimited budget. I'm certain they are a good source of information when it comes to what's appropriate at social events - even though they haven't left their basement to socialize since day care.

[quote] They keep track so they can thank the guests, dipstick.

Keeping track on a spreadsheet is for businesses, not social events.

And keep in mind - millennials and zoomers have the highest propensity for not thanking anyone for anything, especially not gifts of any kind. This is the entitled generation - we 'owe' them monetary gifts, and no gratitude should be expected, especially when they don't know how to write a thank you note, or address an envelope.

[quote] Keeping track on a spreadsheet is for businesses, not social events.

Carmela Soprano kept track of gifts and reciprocated in kind. That's life.

[quote]That is the tackiest thing I have ever heard. We invite people to the wedding because we want them there

Newsflash for you benevolent people who think your weddings are oh so precious because you don't request anything but people to bask in the luxury of your glow. No one still cares.

Most people don't want to get dressed up, period. They don't want to go to a place and have to mingle for hours listening to the same twenty songs played at every reception, watch the same tired dances and eat the same reductive food.

Trust me, it's not a weight lifted off of people because you feel gifts aren't worth spoiling the same tired festivities. Because at the end of the day, it's still the same tired festivities regardless. Your noble gesture is meaningless.

The best weddings are quickies in Vegas with immediate family or house/backyard weddings. There are gifts, decent food, no DJ and most importantly, no dress code. Nuptials and informal party all in one.

Do you own any scotch tape? Find a few quarters and tape them inside a recycled greeting card. You make a recycled card by tearing the front page off of a greeting card then adding your own paper or a piece of card stock to the back. Do not mail it. Hand deliver it sometime during the nighttime by sticking it inside their mailbox or putting it inside their glass storm door.

Do couples not register for gifts anymore? Fine china is pretty much obsolete in this day and age, but lots of couples will register at Target, Pottery Barn, Amazon, etc. There is no need to give cash and if you do, 100 bucks is more than enough for one guest.

Inside the card insert a hand made coupon that reads “one free wish”. It’s adds a nice touch to an inexpensive gift idea.

$20 Dollar Tree Gift Card

Recommend the Pound Cake in your greeting card. (2/$100)

.$75 is plenty for those two. They’ll be divorced within 12,months

Like tipping where people think you're an idiot if you don't tip 20%, whether it's ridiculous or not, if the cost of the gift does not match the cost of the reception plate(s), you will be side-eyed.

Wedding culture and the whole "don't wear white" and all the other nonsense is a flood you're not going to hold back. It's already here.

You can pretend to be British nobility and Miss Manners and try to define rules for correct etiquette, but that won't stop people thinking poorly of you.

Ultimately, ask yourself, is it worth your friends being offended (assuming you can afford an extra few hundred bucks). The flip side is that if you can't afford it (and your friends know it), then it won't matter.

You're not gauging right or wrong on spending on a wedding gift. You're gauging what your friend's good opinion of you is worth to you. You could argue if they'd think less of you for not spending enough, then you're better off without them - that is a valid way to look at it, as well.

But, THIS is the calculus you're doing, not what Miss Manner's opinion on this matter is or whether wedding culture is absurd.

I think North American Italians were the ones to start adjusting their monetary gifts according to the reception meal, and then it spread to all Catholics and beyond. When you see them taking money back from the gift envelope you know your reception was below par. Do better next time.

I befriended a 30 year old man (half my age) at my previous employer last year (May, 2023). Shortly after, I left my employer for a new job - but have kept in touch with 'Luke' and usually have dinner or lunch with him every six weeks or so (despite the age difference, we have a lot in common with Italian families, literature, politics, etc.). We truly enjoy each other's company and conversations. (Yes, he knows I'm gay, and I don't believe he is - but one never knows. However, I have no sexual attraction to him, even though he's a cute guy with a great personality).

When I met him, he had called off a previous engagement, and was dating a new girl he met on a dating app. Things heated up, and this past winter he told me he was going to propose to her on their 'on year anniversary' in May. He did - she accepted, they are planning a wedding next July 4th. It's his first - her third (she's about five years older than he is, neither have kids). When I saw him a few weeks ago, he was telling me what they decided so far...

They want a 'destination wedding'. They both live here in RI, his family is located mostly here and in nearby MA while her family lives in Montreal. So they decided it's a good idea to have their wedding in Disneyworld over July 4 weekend, at Harry Potter's castle - in which everyone has to cosplay the Harry Potter theme. No tux for him, no wedding gown for her - HP costumes to be worn by all, including the guests. (He already told me I'm invited to the wedding - lucky me ?). Yes, I fly down on my dime to Disney on a holiday weekend, stay at the expensive hotels in the park on my dime, rent a HP costume on my dime, and bring a wedding gift. The happy couple will supply guests with costume rental places, list of hotels, and flight info from RI, MA and Montreal. Oooo - weee !

I'm already preparing my 'regrets'.

[quote]he was going to propose to her on their 'on year anniversary' in May...It's his first - her third

You'd think that someone on their third marriage would have better sense than to get married after one year. Then again, if she had better sense, she probably wouldn't be on her third marriage.

Not a cent.

R63, I think you're right - she started on the dating app before her third divorce was even finalized. I've been in her company a few times - nice enough, but one word to describe her would be 'needy'. I think she needs a family in RI, as her family is in Montreal. So why not marry into a big, warm, affectionate Italian family who has welcomed her with open arms? And I think my friend Luke - an only child - gave into pressure from his parents of 'when are you going to make us grandparents ?' I say that because he always brings it up - he wants to start a family in their first year of marriage.

[quote] But, THIS is the calculus you're doing, not what Miss Manner's opinion on this matter is or whether wedding culture is absurd.

What a load of nonsense at r60.

I never needed Miss Manners to inform me, or my parents, that as a host, you don't shift the burden of cost to your guests.

And we wouldn't dream of side-eying anybody if they didn't bring a gift; the height of bad manners. We wouldn't notice one way or another if you did or not.

Again, if I didn't have the money, or didn't want to spend the money, to host guests TO. THE. MAX : open bar, dinner, cake, then I wouldn't do it.

Like somebody upthread said, if that's how you want to proceed, expecting your "guests" to pay for something you're calling for, at least be upfront about it and sell tickets.

R41 Yeah you could do that if you're a cheap asshole.

[quote]I never needed Miss Manners to inform me, or my parents, that as a host, you don't shift the burden of cost to your guests.

Bravo to you ! Very well-said.

A lot of people are mentioning 'open bar'. The events I've been to in the past 10 - 20 years (milestone birthdays, weddings, graduation parties, etc.) have eliminated 'open bar' all together. They offer a glass of champagne on the table, but no open bar nor 'bottles of wine' on the table. With the strict drunk driving laws in my state (RI ) hosts simply don't want to be held liable should something happen with a drunken guest. So you can knock out 'open bar' to the expense list / wedding budget.

R41 Lighten up!

Don't give anything unless they've acknowledged your gay relationship.

R70 - pretty sure they don’t care about our gay relationship. Or our relationship. We are friends of the parents.

I gave a relative who had just lost her father a month before her wedding $500. I hadn't been invited to the wedding, which is fine. Never received a thank you.

Don’t you have any friends going you can ask what the going rate is?

[quote]I never needed Miss Manners to inform me, or my parents, that as a host, you don't shift the burden of cost to your guests.

However, you may need Kaplan to improve your reading comprehension as this does not remotely reflect my actual point.

As I stated, notions of propriety (including hosting duties and shifting burdens to guests) is irrelevant to the calculus.

Whether OP thinks the couple, his friend, or whoever is hosting are bad hosts is as irrelevant to Miss Manner's opinion on what is or is not appropriate for wedding gifting.

The calculus that OP needs to consider is what the value of his friend's opinion of him is worth. And, as noted, it is perfectly valid for OP to decide if his friend's opinion would decline because he was perceived not to have given an appropriate gift, then it's not worth maintaining the friendship - that's fine.

What OP needs to determine is how his friend would react. Whether the absurd wedding culture is out of hand is irrelevant to how his friend will perceive the situation.

[quote]like the whole evening will cost the bride and groom $100,000.

how fucking stupid is that. give them a box of rocks for being so stupid

[quote]how fucking stupid is that. give them a box of rocks for being so stupid

Anant Ambani's wedding is reputed to have cost $600mm - a drop in the bucket for that family - about one month's income for them.

All depends on where you're starting.

r74, the point is, operating from your premise, there is no escaping that a guest is burdened with having to make a "calculus" applied to how a host will think of them based upon their gift or its amount.

I misapprehend nothing.

And that calculus shouldn't have to exist in the first place. It's wrong.

OP’s friend is unlikely to know the amount of the gift since it’s the friend’s kid getting married.

[quote] And we wouldn't dream of side-eying anybody if they didn't bring a gift; the height of bad manners. We wouldn't notice one way or another if you did or not.

I would notice when it was time to write out thank you cards.

If my recent wedding attending experience is any guide, the concept of sending thank you notes went the way of the dodo bird. Too much work and effort required.

[quote] I would notice when it was time to write out thank you cards.

And then what ? How would this affect you ? Would you have enough sense and manners to send them a thank you their attendance and for helping to celebrate your special day ?

That should be the the first thing you write in the note. Then add gratitude for the gift. If no gift was given, then that would be eliminated. But the main point of the message should be thanking them for attending and sharing this celebration of marriage 'with us'. That's great manners and class. Unfortunately, it's missing from society.

I usually pay with the nature's credit card by fucking the groom.

The very best gift is prominent divorce attorneys calling cards.

It's not a wedding, it's a pre-divorce ceremony.

No open bar? The cheapest gift off the registry? None of you bitches are invited to my first wedding.

No one - and I mean no one - wants to sign a waiver with the venue taking all responsibility off the venue should their guests drive home drunk and kill someone. No open bar. You want to drink ? Pay for your own and be solely responsible if something happens when you're behind the wheel.

I’ve never been to a wedding that didn’t have an open bar. I’m also an adult capable of drinking responsibly and don’t see an open bar as a call to get sloppy drunk.

The gift to "Cover the Plate" is a wrong as the Urban Legend that you have a year to send a gift after the wedding. Gifts should be sent to future bride's home as soon as you learn of the event. Never bring gift to church or reception hall, too much chance of it being misplaced. Always sent to bride's residence .

I give nothing, OP, but then again, I don’t go to white trash weddings, and in my country, asking for money / having a wishing wall / suggested donation = NQOCD.

I hope that people are insistent that their opinions and standards of behavior are correct, regardless of what the common practice, is are not getting invited to too many events.

Things change. But one thing that hasn’t changed in over half a century is that you give a gift to the bride and groom if you attend their wedding. Exactly how much is going to vary and there is plenty of room for argument about the right amount, but you give something. And if you don’t want to be a jerk, in 2024, it’s cash or a cash equivalent.

I bet the same people arguing that you aren’t hosting if there is an expectation of a gift would be the first to clutch their pearls if someone said they never bought a bottle of wine or host/hostess gift to a dinner party. Similarly, if someone opens their home to you and organizes and hosts a potluck, does it mean they aren’t really a host if they expect you to bring something?

You do what people expect so as not to cause confusion or discomfort. That’s what manners are. You don’t willfully ignore the current customs because you prefer how it used to be done.

If you go to a country with different customs, you try to follow them within reason. You don’t decide they are incorrect and do the opposite because it’s not how they do it in Ohio and it’s not what’s recommended in your 1975 edition of Miss Manners. You do what is commonly accepted. Same thing at home. You don’t get to impose your opinion of how you think it should be. You bend to the time and place.

I’m a single person & I’m giving the daughter of a first cousin with whom I grew up $300. Do I make the check payable to (just) her?

No, R91 - you tear up the check and then buy the bride and future spouse a lovely sauce boat.

[quote] bet the same people arguing that you aren’t hosting if there is an expectation of a gift would be the first to clutch their pearls if someone said they never bought a bottle of wine or host/hostess gift to a dinner party. Similarly, if someone opens their home to you and organizes and hosts a potluck, does it mean they aren’t really a host if they expect you to bring something?

Wrong. I wouldn't clutch my pearls at someone not bringing a bottle of wine or gift to a dinner party.

And your pot-luck analogy fails because the very idea of a pot-luck is that everybody agrees ahead of time that they'll bring something.

That's acceptable and different from, "You're invited to our wedding. Assume we want a gift from you. Just so you know, per plate is $75.00."

R93, when agree to attend the wedding you ARE agreeing to give a gift. The analogy holds.

Apropos of not much when the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, before their marriage, first visited the Mountbattens, Wallis insisted on bringing a Fortnum and Mason cooked chicken as a gift for the hostess - a Mountbatten was the richest heiress of her generation so had a well stocked kitchen. a, nonplussed, handed it to the cook, who was duly offended.

Maybe it’s an American thing.

When I'm hosting an event, I don't shift the burden of hosting to my guests.

If I were to host a wedding, it would not enter my mind that my guests, when accepting my invitation, are agreeing to send a gift.

To present a wedding gift is entirely at the option of the guest, absent any obligation. There is NO breach of etiquette if you accept an invitation to a wedding and NOT present a gift to the couple.

The Countess’s first name as run afoul (so to speak) of the DL censors.

Her name ended in “a”, started with “Ed” and had “win” in the middle.

[quote] I hope that people are insistent that their opinions and standards of behavior are correct, regardless of what the common practice...Things change.

Great point, MAGA! This is why we're in the state we're in today, in 2024. Let's forget proper standards of a polite society and go with the 'common practice' of today - which includes open racism, open hostility to immigrants, alternate realities and truths about those you don't agree with, denying a fair loss in an election, open anti-Semitism, homophobia, attempts to overthrow our government, making women second-class citizens with no say in their own healthcare, etc. After all, 'things change'.

Yes, R88. Thank you! It's tacky to bring the gift to the wedding; you send it ahead or afterward. You don't burden people (the wedding couple and their family and friends) with having to transport loads of loot home on one of the busiest days of their lives.

People can turn their noses up at Miss Manners and Emily Post if they want, but etiquette rules are there to set expectations and ensure fair and pleasant relations on all sorts of occasions. And to save people from being tacky AF without realizing it.

MARY, R98! That may be the most hysterical stretch I've ever seen here.

[quote]You don't burden people (the wedding couple and their family and friends) with having to transport loads of loot home on one of the busiest days of their lives.

It's not a burden, it's their duty as the bridal party. It's the responsibility that they take on when they say yes to being a groomsman or bridesmaid. It's not just about having their photos taken outside the church.

[quote]there is no escaping that a guest is burdened with having to make a "calculus" applied to how a host will think of them based upon their gift or its amount.

That is correct. There is NO escaping it.

Either you have to accept that or not. You either accept that the recipient of the gift will judge you based on the gift or not care about it the host's opinion.

The fact that OP recognizes that giving a gift is a social obligation tied to attending the wedding explicitly says that he cares about the host's opinion. Many people don't care what the hosts think and are more than happy to attend without giving a gift at all.

I'm just pointing out that the calculus he's doing is flawed.

$100 is sufficient.

Better yet, R46. But a wedding card that has slots for quarters.

I find weddings appalling. I can’t believe people still do this shit. My oldest brother got married 3x - and by the third time I was like, really? You’re still doing this shit? I don’t think I went.

Also, for most of my adult gay life, we weren’t legally allowed to get married. Nobody ever gave me or my long-time partner a gift and we were together over 17 years, which was longer than 4 other weddings in my family. I never have a gift because I figured we were never going to receive anything back. Also, my favourite etiquette rule is that you can take up to 12 months after the wedding to give a gift. Most marriages these days even last year long.

What I find really appalling are these registries. I could see if the just listed basics like dishes and silverware - things you would want to match. But these people put like multiple big screen tvs and sound bars and $500 juicers and lamps and furniture and outdoor garden shit and you just think - get a job! Marriage is a union of YOUR shared assets, not everybody else’s. (And I’ve worked in retail, so I know these couples are encouraged to do this nonsense but still.)

Your parents might buy you or gift you their old furniture or bedroom set. Not your guests. And filling your registry with A/V and tech gifts is like - you obviously have no idea what marriage is going to be like. Why should a couple be entitled to all that just because they’re getting married? And don’t say, you’re supposed to give them a good start. Nobody gave me anything. Nobody was ever concerned about my start, just because I was gay. Some plates and glasses, some bedding, that’s a good start. PlayStations and a tv for every room - that’s a load of nonsense.

I’m a Midwesterner and I’ve heard of this “cover your plate” nonsense and that always makes me think, no need to go through with this. You go to a justice of the peace and I’ll take myself out to dinner somewhere, at a restaurant and a menu of my choosing. Job done.

Inviting more than 90 people to your wedding is obscene and unnecessary. My niece is getting married next month and she somehow came up with over 300 guests to invite. I love her but that’s ridiculous. She doesn’t even have a job. I used to work weddings in my 20s, hundreds of them and if you heard what the people at the back tables say you’d never invite them. With events of that size, you end up with so many random people, it’s pathetic. Nothing but an ego boost for the bride’s parents. Also, never fuck a staff member in the bathroom at a wedding - word gets around fast.

I think if you’re getting married, the smaller and more low-key the better. It has more integrity. Go to the justice of the peace with a few friends then go out for a nice dinner, if someone wants to throw a casual party for you at a later date, great. But extravagance is off-putting and unnecessary and requires a HUGE comedown. I wouldn’t even compete in those stakes. The simpler, the better.

The rule my grandmother always followed was that you had a year after the wedding to send the gift. Wait until you’ve been and base your budget on how much fun you had, how valued you felt as a guest, and whether or not you got laid with one of the groomsmen or caterer waiters.

While agree it’s ridiculous to spend a huge amount of money on a wedding, it’s often the parents that want an extravagant shindig. They want to impress their friends. My sister-in-law told her daughter that the service was the couples to plan and customize but that the reception was hers aince she and the bride’s father were paying for it. She was going to have a very extravagant reception, regardless of what her daughter thought.

The last of that generation, my nieces and nephews just got married. He was an only child and gay to boot and it was the party of the decade but having worked in wedding planning in the past, I estimated that they spent somewhere around a million dollars. My brother-in-law, who isn’t really a drinker, got knee-walking drunk both nights. At breakfast on the last morning of the weekend someone wondered quietly over breakfast why Fred had gotten so drunk to which I replied that it was probably because he had seen the bill!

The other 'rule' is that the newlyweds have one year to send thank you notes to their guests.

I mentioned this once before - a friend of mine got married 9 years ago (August, 2015). Beautiful wedding from start to finish with about 200 people in attendance. Never received a thank you for the gift I gave ($100). Whenever I was with him and his wife in the first twelve months, she would always mention the 'thank you notes' - they were all written out, addressed, and sitting on her dresser in the bedroom. She only had to drop them off at the post office (which was sown the street from where they lived).

They were divorced in January, 2022. The thank you notes are still sitting on her dresser, as far as I know.

She probably wiped her ass with the thank you notes

I don’t much like weddings. Fortunately, I’m rarely invited. But I am invited to a wedding four months from now and I’ve committed to attending.

The poster above who claims you’re a jerk if your gift is not cash? Who appoints these people the arbiters of taste and manners?

The wedding I’m attending is in another city. Airfare, , hotel, and meals will set me back a minimum of $1,000. I’ll most likely have to cough up for some new clothes as well. And on top of that many of you are saying a minimum gift of $150?

I’m retired on a very modest pension. This whole event is a budget buster for me. Maybe I made a mistake agreeing to go but I won’t back out now. Are wedding guests supposed to be only middle and upper class?

I recently attended a destination wedding in Italy (I live in CA)) for a couple that I am good friends with. After flights, hotels, outfits (there were events every night) etc. I probably spent around 4K. After I reviewed their "registry" which was basically a cash grab, I was like fuck it.. my 4K presence at your wedding is the only gift you're getting.

R6 Why do people start sentences with “Sorry,” when they’re just stating an opinion?

[quote]Anant Ambani's wedding is reputed to have cost $600mm

and who the fuck is that? why am I supposed to know who that even is?

r111, because they are passive aggressive millennials

When I was a kid I was obsessed with the gifts my parents got for their wedding. I loved thinking about why my grandma thought they’d use a tea set. Why Florence & Earl got them lawn chairs, etc. So I try to concentrate on the gift being memorable. There isn’t a set price. I’m friends w a CEO. Great guy. A $100 gift from me is a thousand dollar gift from him. So if you’ve got the spreadsheet out, invite him before you invite me. I’ll be fun at the reception while he’s returning texts & answering calls.

1. If one feels that attendance at a $100k wedding has a transactional basis (pay for play), don't attend/pay.

2. If the wedding group indicates anything untoward about gift expectations, don't attend/pay.

3. If cash is "preferred" as a gift, don't attend/pay.

Cash gift for a wedding should be $250 per person minimum. If you're close family, double it.

R116, you make it sound like an iron-clad rule. But you’re just pulling that out of thin air. Who determined that? You? Some rando etiquette “expert”?

I think some people like making up these arbitrary illogical social “rules” in an ill-fated attempt to place themselves above others.

Please define "close family," R116.

R106 how often did your grandmother get laid by groomsmen and waiters at the weddings she attended?

She must have been quite the party girl in her day.

[quote]and who the fuck is that? why am I supposed to know who that even is?

Setting aside the fact that we've discussed him, his family, and his wedding on DL in numerous threads, your question demonstrates a stunning lack of awareness of the world around you.

Mukesh Ambani (Anant's father) is the richest person in India and among the richest men in the world. He's a billionaire industrialist who controls a global powerhouse company - energy, petrochemicals, natural gas, retail, entertainment, telecommunications, mass media, and textiles. It is the largest company in India and accounts for ~7% of all exports out of India.

I'm not r116 but I agree that where I live (NYC metro area) $250 per person is about right among my friends and family. I went to five family weddings last year, conferred with my siblings, and we all agreed on that amount.

I would never go to a wedding that was going to put me out financially (time off work, travel, clothes), even if it was a close family member.

[quote]I'm not [R116] but I agree that where I live (NYC metro area) $250 per person is about right among my friends and family. I went to five family weddings last year, conferred with my siblings, and we all agreed on that amount.

Context is everything.

For example, a $100 gift hits very differently if you are in your late 20s and your poor roommate from college who works as a special ed teacher in a bad area drove 14 hours and is crashing on the floor of some friend's apartment to come to your wedding than if rich Uncle Frank arrived on his private jet en route to a two week vacation in Fiji with his 20-something trophy chick who he just spent a fortune on in 5th avenue designer shops.

A huge part of meeting expectations is how they're set in the first place.

[quote] This whole event is a budget buster for me. Maybe I made a mistake agreeing to go but I won’t back out now.

I think you can still back out gracefully. You say you're retired, now. One of the perqs of older age is being able to say NO to things that we can't afford.

[quote] So I try to concentrate on the gift being memorable.

"Memorable" and hopefully something of use to the couple.

[quote]So I try to concentrate on the gift being memorable.

[quote]"Memorable" and hopefully something of use to the couple.

Unless you really know the couple well, if the whole point of debating the amount of the gift is to avoid censure, go to the registry.

I'd wager there is a high correlation between someone who'd quibble about the cost of a gift not being enough and someone who'd be pissy about buying stuff off registry is as close to "1" as it's mathematically possible to be.

I suggest a nice vicious Facce-slap

[quote] someone who'd quibble about the cost of a gift not being enough

R125, what does this mean?

[quote] If you attend, $150 isn’t enough for a couple. $200 isn’t enough. $500 is safe. $300 - $499, I don’t know. I don’t go to so many events that I have to sweat it, so I’d go with $500.

You must think everyone else makes exactly as much money as you do.

There is no way I would spend $500 for every wedding I am invited to attend.

I'm gonna go out on a Carrie Bradshaw limb here but the episode where her Manolo's went missing from Tatum O'Neal's party rang true for me. Why as a society do we need to give cash or gifts to people based on their life decisions to get married, have kids, etc? It's ridiculous! I'm not getting married and I'm not having a baby and I need a goddamn new KitchenAide Mixer for fucks sake!

This whole thread is ridiculous. Giving gifts is a very personal thing, and there are many variables such as your financial situation, your relationship with the recipient, the occasion, and the needs of the recipient. You can't set a number or a price tag!

I'm with you, R129l . I'm never going to receive a wedding or shower gift, and it does rankle a bit that I'm expected to give gifts -especially for work colleagues. It's not that I begrudge them -just that we all know they will never have to reciprocate. The uneven-ness of the exchange does get old...

r127 It means that we're dealing with the bourgeoisie, in which squabbling about money is what life is all about.

Aside from a check I often offer a week or two at one of my vacation homes. Usually it is one of the ones located in Hawaii that are on very nice beaches. If they would rather have my winter ski home then that is also a choice. I'll usually let them know early on because they sometimes opt to use them as their honeymoon destination. I think this is a great, and unique gift idea. I think it's cool to be able to share special places in this way and it can actually save the couple money.

One more thing (I'm R132) I rarely attend weddings unless it is close family. I don't enjoy them.

Mangia cakes wouldn't understand.

I'm getting married soon R132. Where can I send your invitation? We prefer Hawaii over the mountains. K, thanks.

Ok R135, I've marked you down for 2 weeks on the beach in Hawaii. Where should I send your arrival info?

[quote] [R127] It means that we're dealing with the bourgeoisie, in which squabbling about money is what life is all about.

Perhaps you fabulous upper-class types , unburdened by problems so petty as money, would be much happier on a entirely different webforum.