Co-workers throwing me dirty looks because I didn't attend a co-worker's family member's funeral?

Sounds like you work in a hell pit OP. What a lot of drama that has nothing to do with you. Why on earth would you attend the funeral of a colleagues family members funeral unless you knew the deceased family members? Especially after only working there for 2 months. Anyone who has a problem with that is seriously unreasonable. The same kind of seriously unreasonable people who would start victimizing and undermining you in the workplace as payback because of it.

I'd seriously start looking for a new job. STAT.

[quote] people are throwing me dirty looks, not holding doors and tense up when I'm around (like if they're talking happily and see me coming, they instantly shut up)

Coincidentally how homophobes act after they find out you’re gay.

For someone who claims they are not chatty, OP wrote a very long post.

After this initial bump, OP is going to fit right in with this bitchy company filled with other non-selfawares and will likely retire from this place

I'm sure if she had been the one who died you would have attended. They're too uptight.

OP: I've only been here about two months and keep to myself.

Also OP: I don't really fit in here, never have

I worked for the same company for 33 years and can't even begin to count the number of employee family members who died. Not once did I, or was I expected by the employee, to attend their family member's funeral. If it was a member of the employee's immediate family we always sent a very expensive floral arrangement (unless the employee requested other arrangements).

OP, your coworkers sound like a bunch of nincompoops.

OP look up the word "brevity."

I wouldn't expect a relatively new co-woker to attend a funeral of a family member unless they became close friends in such a short period of time. I had a co-worker who's father died of a heart attack. I was never really friendly with him and I didn't want to travel out to Suffolk country from Brooklyn, so I didn't go. When he returned to work I extended my condolences. That's all that should be expected of you.

OP, go to work, do your job, keep to yourself and cash your paycheck. You didn't take that job to make friends and socialize - you took it to earn an income. So be it. Don't pay any attention to what the others are doing / not doing to you.

1/10 EST

Where is OP working that has a staff room?

MYOB OP. Those shelves aren't going to stock themselves

R11 Presumably a place that has a staff room.

Count your self lucky. You dodged a bullet. Those people are not your friends. You all work for the same employer- for a paycheck- then you go home and live your personal life with your personal friends.

This.

Never.

Happened.

So every single person in the office knew about the funeral from a one-to-one game of telephone before almost the day-of except you?

There was no all-office email or Slack message or five-minute meeting?

This never happened.

HISSSSSSS....

OP RUINED MY SISTER AND BROTHER-IN-LAW'S FUNERAL!!!

She's what we in Washington society call "a handsome woman."

I believe you, OP, and it sounds dreadful. I keep to myself and never attend work social events. They first thought I was quirky at my previous job, but that soon turned to dislike. I kept my head down until I found another job. I recommend you do the same. Look for a position with a large organization, so it's easier to blend in. Good luck!

R7- Look up the word BITCHY.

[quote][R7]- Look up the word BITCHY.

If one had to look up BITCHY, one wouldn't be posting on DL in the first place.

Geez sounds like you work in a family owned company and you’re the only non-relative.

I mean, R21 makes a very good point.

You sound paranoid, OP. Truth is your co-workers don't like you. They never did. From day one, you telegraphed that you wanted to be a Garbo and now you're blaming it on something other than yourself.

OP, next time you decide to come up with an EST, take a few seconds before posting to read over what you wrote. This latest whopper contains several details that conflict with one another. You aren't as good a spontaneous storyteller as you think you are.

Grizelda?

The red flag for me was -

complaining in the staff room that... my clothes are ugly.

R27, I've seen this very thing happen in a staff room at work. People are jerks.

What the fuck is a staff room?

I took a job once where the employees didn’t feel my function was needed and therefore froze me out personally. I stayed a year because it was overseas and my visa depended on it. In hindsight I should have left on day 3 when I figured out the situation. Get out asap.

That must have been really unpleasant R30. What happened?

People just looked through me. I got on with the work but in a vacuum. The international offices were nice to work with so I spent all my time with them. I left as soon as I had a plan B to open my own business. That was my last job working for others. Workplaces breed assholery.

OP, you claim to have been there only two months but you keep using terms like ”always” when describing your brief history there.

You’ve barely been there long enough to get acclimated much less have a history with these people.

Your tale is very suspect:

This sounds too over the top. And yes, the mention of them commenting that you wear ugly clothes sounds asinine, like you got carried away with your story.

I have often been the newbie at work. People just do ignore you.

As a result, I always say hello to the new person and be a bit friendly. If they turn out to be a jerk, you can switch gears. But you will never forget when someone is initially rude to you

An agony aunt type person once gave information on a similar situation and I used it and it worked. When I had the people togethet I asked to speak. I said I was the newbie and want to be part of the gang but I found it was difficult and they seemed fully formed before I arrived. Human nature as it normally is, meant they couldnt resist an underdog. So tell it like it is and see what happens.

You should go, OP. Wear a completely see through Caftan (don’t forget the earrings!!!) and some of your Charlie Girl perfume. Then when it’s your turn, go up to the casket and fling yourself on it and start screaming WHY?!?!?!!’- making sure to use the wrong name. Also, bend over and present hole as much as possible.

They will never ask you again.

r24 "telegraphed that you wanted to be a Garbo"

Okay

[Quote]until somebody asked me if I'm going. I asked "going where?" and she explained the situation to me (this was the day before the funeral, so short notice) I said, "oh, I didn't know that." She didn't ask if I was going

Ummm ... yes, she did.

I had tons of work to do (with deadlines), and had no interest in going to the wake of a relative of someone in another business group. WHY should I - who never met the dead guy - be forced to go to his wake? Is t.he person from this very large company so friendless that he needed to make us all pay respects to his dead relative? Anyway, he doesn’t speak to me anymore which is fine with me.

Sounds like a very toxic place to work. Find another job.

I suspect they are reacting to something else, either your demeanor or actions in the office.

OP do you flail around looking for attention? Burst in the door like you've arrived for a RuPaul audition? Speak with vocal fry and upspeak, like literallllyyy?

I've gone full Garbo at my job. This has made my coworkers even more hyper-focused on me -- I feel famous at the office. Try to have fun with it, OP.

I used to work in an office that had doctors as consultants for medical opinions. One was a real jerk and lazy. One day someone came around collecting money for a present for this doctor's son for a forgotten reason. I declined to contribute. When asked why I said That jerk gets paid three times as much as me. Let him contribute.

[quote] there was a wedding last month and it's not like I was invited to that.

Not invited to a wedding, and you've worked there two whole months?

(Or actually less, if it was last month.)

I wouldn't want my colleagues at a family funeral unless they were close friends. It's not a fucking social

R48 People do generally go to family wakes or funerals of co-workers. How long have you lived?

OP if this is real you should find a WFH remote job like all the other antisocials have done. Life’s too short to be hated for being a cat in an office of dogs.

R49 horseshit. You want colleagues to come to a family funeral if you don't particularly know them or have some kind of friendship?

[quote]People do generally go to family wakes or funerals of co-workers. How long have you lived?

I wouldn't think of it unless it were someone with whom I worked closely and on familiar terms where we each knew something of our families or partners or lives outside work. If it were someone with whom I was in frequent communication but purely in a work context, I would write a note of condolence.

I'm not going to the funerals of the families of people I only know of as, "is Amy the one with the very long hair and raspy voice on the 7th floor who always asks the brown-nosing questions at the annual meetings? Yeah, I don't know her."

R51 It wasn't specified in the post that "you don't particularly know them or have some kind of friendship". Now you're moving the goalposts.

Let's say you all work in a small business or in the same department where there are 10 or 15 people. I would go to a co-worker's mother's or wife's wake, at least. I mean, don't any of you know your co-workers? Reading here it often seems like so many of you are loners at work.

No everyone works in a city or a building with a seventh floor.

*Not everyone

R53 you're the one moving goalposts, making it now sound like a close-knit work team. I clearly stated in both my posts that I wouldn't go unless we had some sort of friendship outside work and I wouldn't want a colleague I don't consider a friend turning up at my family funeral. Your comment at R49 makes it sound like it's the done thing for all workers.

I don't know if OP's story is true or not but I can say over the years I've been asked to participate in some really inappropriate and greedy things that no one should be asking of strangers you work with and maybe say "hello" to when passing the in the hallway occasionally. My declining to participate has resulted in people not liking me, giving me the cold shoulder, ignoring me, etc.

I've been "invited" to a "painting party". An all day "party" on a Saturday to "paint" the fixer upper house a loud, obnoxious receptionist and her mangy boyfriend bought. Bring your own lunch! No!! A million times NO!

I've been asked to contribute $30 for a Spa Day for some woman who had her first baby and was feeling "ugly" when the office manager called to check on her while she was on maternity leave. In the less than a year leading up to her maternity leave I had already contributed $10 for her wedding shower, $10 for her wedding gift and $20 for her baby shower for a total of $40. I may have crossed paths with this woman in the hallway a couple of times. I declined when they asked for yet another $10 to send her flowers/gift basket when the kid was born and I declined to pay for her fucking Spa Day. Her husband was a lawyer with a major firm, a new lawyer but nevertheless a lawyer, he should get her a Spa Day.

These are just a couple of examples of the greediness, but I could go on and on. The incessant collecting money for gifts in offices should be banned. If you don't participate, you are branded a mean awful person.

R56 It's your "I wouldn't want a colleague I don't consider a friend turning up at my family funeral" that I found strange. Wakes and funerals are announced in the newspapers. They're open-door events at funeral homes and churches. Anyone from your workplace who "turns up" as you put it, to pay their respects, ought to be welcome. At least where I come from, wakes and funerals are not for close friends and family, only.

At least where I work (and live, New England), it's common for co-workers to come to services for a colleague. You shouldn't have to have "some sort of friendship outside work." For instance when my mom died my bosses and co-workers came to the wake and services. I don't know them outside work. And I went to their parents, spouses, or children's services. The term is: paying one's respects.

Have you ever seen a cop's wake? Do you think the cop personally knew all those people, or the family did?

R58 you just show up for the clam chowder and booze!

Is this in the South?

Hit and run OP!

Hit and run OP!

never socialite with people from work unless they are super cool and simpatico.

like three from my post college jobs many years ago.

op, you must not be super cool.

Sorry that you do not work in a nicer environment, OP. If you a good one, it make all the difference to your career and overall performance.

I wouldn't the matter a second thought. An expression of condolence is enough. Or, if you wish, a sympathy card with a nice note.

If I don't know them well, I don't go their funeral

Stop worrying about what people think about you!

Have any of them said, bless your heart, to you?

R64 Phillywhore saying it how it is!

Sticks and stones can break your bones but looks can never harm you.

[quote]You want colleagues to come to a family funeral if you don't particularly know them or have some kind of friendship?

R51 I agree. The only reason for co-workers to show up at a relative's funeral is either to suck up or be seen. It has nothing to do with the funeral.

Or if the food is good.

Funerals are one thing. What about sitting shiva? Are colleagues expected to attend?

If they are all gathered in the staff room or having coffee, why don't you just blurt out, "So how was the funeral?" and see what happens.

DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME? THERE WAS NO DIRECT BUS ROUTE!

NO DIRECT BUS ROUTE!!

[quote] It's your "I wouldn't want a colleague I don't consider a friend turning up at my family funeral" that I found strange. Wakes and funerals are announced in the newspapers. They're open-door events at funeral homes and churches.

So people who knew the deceased can attend.

Christ. You’re like that fake Canadian that claims we say “soft drink” here.

Your co-workers are not the only ones throwing you dirty looks

OP- I think you got your websites mixed up.

This is Datalounge. Not Reddit’s “Am I The Asshole?”.

But if it helps, YTA

My elderly father died in June, 2020 from COVID. At the time, I was working at my job for 5.5 years, which made me one of the 'longest' employees in the department. I got along fine with my coworkers, but didn't get involved in their personal business and didn't want them to get involved in mine. There was one guy who I socialized out of work with, and I had notified him personally that my dad had died. I also let him know we were limited for attendees at the funeral because of COVID (only 15 family members at an outdoor funeral at the grave site).

Anyhow, I did let my supervisor know that my dad had passed and needed to take my bereavement time (five days for a parent). He gave his condolences, and asked if it would be ok to share the news with the rest of the department via email. I said fine - he ended up attaching a link to the obituary, which included the dog shelter we chose if anyone felt like making a donation (we asked for the omission of flowers). My sister did the same at her place of employment.

When I returned to work, out of a staff of fifteen, two people came up to me to offer their condolences : My supervisor and the guy I'm friendly with. Aside from me, they're the only two men in the department. None of the women said anything, nor did anyone (except the two men) make a donation to the charity. Keep in mind, the two men are Gen Xers while the rest of the team are Millennial and Zoomer females.

The one which hurt me the most was the 30 year old female who works four feet away from me, and was aware of what was going on with my dad by being in close proximity to me when I had to take phone calls from his doctors ( a situation which she couldn't help but over-hear) while they were treating him. Not an 'I'm sorry to hear about your dad' - seven little words. After a week or so, we were talking about coworkers being out with COVID, I finally said to her, "Do you know my dad ended up dying from COVID a few weeks ago ?" She answered, "Yeah - I know." I then said, " I wasn't sure you knew, since you never mentioned it when I returned." She shrugged her shoulders and said, " I didn't know what to say." I told her saying "I'm sorry to hear about your dad' is always appropriate. I also asked her how does one reach the age of 30 and not know how to offer someone condolences on the passing of a family member. She shrugged and laughed.

Exactly 15 months later, her father died unexpectedly from cardiac arrest. She took her bereavement days off, and when she returned, I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing. She taught me well.

I forgot to add, she was rather distant with me for the next few months. I heard through my friend she was 'mad at me' because I didn't acknowledge her loss. MAD AT ME ? LOL! They lack so much self-awareness.

[Quote] I've gone full Garbo at my job.

I've gone full Sharon Stone at my job. I go to everything, talk to everyone, no subject is off limits and even if I miss something, I lie and say I was there.

R78 do you also flash crotch?

R76, demanding sympathy from your coworker is as bad as her not offering it. Your dialog with your coworker sounds kind of pathetic.

R76 From your response, I can see perception is indeed everything.

I didn't 'demand it'. I was shocked and disappointed she didn't offer it. Big difference. I demanded nothing from her. The dialog may sound pathetic - may even be pathetic - but that's where we were in our work relationship. No regrets from me. She showed me who she truly was.

(Neither one of us work for that employer any longer - we both left last November).

I don't even go to colleagues' funerals if they were assholes to me. Fuck 'em.

OP, a version of this happened to me once, too. Things never got better, and I left that job.

I think some people just like to get as many people as possible to come to family members' funerals; it makes them feel important, I guess.

My dad died relatively young (I was maybe 25). I was the first person in my friends' group to have a death in the family. I was unpleasantly surprised that none of my friends said anything. No one came to the funeral. It almost felt like I was being avoided. I "justify" it in part to youth, but it's something I remembered. About ten years later, one of those friends called to tell me that her father had died and I frankly felt nothing.

OP what are the demographics of your workplace? Predominately female? Gen X?

OP has left the thread after penning his inconsistent tale.

[quote] My dad died relatively young (I was maybe 25).

You don't remember what your age was?

[quote]You don't remember what your age was?

I'm not R-whatever, but I would need ten minutes to figure out how old I was when either of my parents died. Two minutes with access to Google Calendar.

I could tell you the month each of them died give or take one, but not the day, nor the year.

N88 Why would it take you ten minutes?? If you know the year you were born and the year anyone died, it should take you a few seconds to figure out how old you were when they died. DL amazes me sometimes.

R88^

aspie?

R90, people can’t even do the simplest arithmatic anymore without cranking up the computer. That, and many other things, like finding their way around.

The ugly clothes accusation reminds me of one workplace I was in. I was in my 20s and surrounded by females of the same age with one older woman doing the same job. Her clothes were aggressively ugly. She reminded me of Sandy Dennis in That Cold Day in the Park. A young woman who dressed like an old lady because that's who her friends were. This woman favored yellows and purple colors. She also smoked like a chimney so she stank. I tried to be friendly to her because everyone else was not. The poor thing.

And what did you look and smell like?

R76, several of your colleagues failed to acknowledge your loss, yet you only put the one woman on the spot about it and told her how she should have handled things. Then, when the roles were reversed (and arguable they were not as you describe your father as “elderly” and your colleague was only 30), you behaved in exactly the way you criticized her for.

Doing either one of those things was probably justifiable. Doing both makes you the asshole. She wasn’t TRYING to make you feel bad in the aftermath of your father’s death.

[quote]R88 Why would it take you ten minutes?? If you know the year you were born and the year anyone died, it should take you a few seconds to figure out how old you were when they died. DL amazes me sometimes.

Fucking hell, R89 (and R92), it's not a math problem; my subtraction skills are perfectly fine. It's that I don't remember the year each of my parents died. The same problem as R84, it seems.

I remember the year I was born; the years my parents were born, the years of historic events; the years certain books were published. But ask me what date I moved from A to B (or any of the 24 or so places I have lived), or what year I worked on a project in X, or when I moved back to Y, or when I took a job at Z.... I don´t know those kinds of dates at all offhand, and I have to stop and construct in my head a chronology, triangulating against dates of which I am certain (that's why I said Google Calendar --not a calculator-- is helpful; because I record certain landmark dates there knowing it's not the sort of thing I easily remember.)

My mother could tell you to the date, day of the week, and hour of the day when her parents died, and probably what she was wearing. My father would fumble for the year and whether it as in a warm month or a cold month. I'm more like my father. Ask me about a some casual friend of my mother whose house I visited once when I was six and I can draw a reasonably accurate floor plan and describe the flooring, what was on the was, the furniture, and a dozen strange small details that stuck in my mind for more than half a century. But I don't know the year my mother died other than that I was in my 50s.

*the floor, what was hanging on the walls, the furniture...

I get it, R88. I don’t know what those other posters are talking about. I remember the year my father died because his death was in close proximity to a historic event. My mother died more recently within the past decade but I would not be able to identify the year without going through old emails or legal docs. I know the years they were both born because their birthdates came up frequently during the course of their lives.

You have not won these people over. Them finding a reason to justify their reactions was inevitable. Accept that you’re not going to make many friends there & decide if the rewards outweigh the work environment.

R96 Yeah you said you couldn't remember the year, so it would be hard to calculate your age. I misread your post, sorry.

I find it strange someone can only remember they were in their 50s when their mom died or R98 saying his mother died within the last 10 years and he's already forgotten the year. To neither remember your age at the time one of your parents died or the year they died is probably not unusual, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have questioned it. I think if they happen to have a gravestone with the birth and death dates, and you visit it, you will know the dates --o if you sometimes see their obits in your papers or online, or they death certificates. And some people do just remember the dates.

*or, not "o".

Ah, thanks R100, I understand now. Some people are very good with dates in their personal histories and remember the day they started work at a new job, or moved into a new house, or the quality of light on the morning their mother died. Not me. I´m just very bad at that sort of thing. And some people are very sentimental about their parents´death dates, and I´m not -- I remember the calls from my family, but dates, years? Not at all. I think the death of a parent is a milestone for most people, it´s just a less date-specific one for me. College years are easy, of course. Anniversary dates of a scant few major relationships, easy. I remember all sorts of dates related to personal interests, but for damn few personal events and anniversarlies. It doesn´t help that I don´t live anywhere near what remains fo my family, so there´s none of that collective annual recollection that many families do. And probably my bad memory for personal dates is aggravated by being a very in the present and near future sort, with little time spent looking backward.

R102 Yeah I was more surprised by the person who said his dad died young when he was around 25. I think I would have probably remembered my age in that case.

R84 here. I know what year my dad died in. I know it was spring. I know what year he was born in. His birthday is in the spring. I can't remember whether he died before or after his birthday. My birthday is in the fall, so I will say, definitively that I was 25.

It was pretty traumatic when he died as it was sudden and unexpected.