Hi, I'm Couch.

Did he buy you flowers afterwards?

Some call me a love seat, but that's NOT what it means. I wish someone had told Vance-- before he ravished me.

[quote] Did he buy you flowers afterwards?

Does Febreze Romance and Desire scent count? If so, then yes. He spritzed both of us with it. Personally, I blame Febreze for giving him the wrong idea. They are enabling the sexual assault of sofas everywhere with ad copy like this:

[quote] Who says date night can’t be every day? With Febreze Fabric Refresher Romance & Desire, you can find your spark thanks to the hints of sparkling champagne spritz and pink rose petals. You’ll be dimming the lights and turning up the passion in no time.

Did he use protection? Like Scotchgard?

[quote] Did he use protection? Like Scotchgard?

No protection. But it was so small there was hardly any penetration between my cushions. I don't think I'll get pregnant??

Does it bother you that you don't have fingers so you couldn't blow your fucking brains out afterwards?

OP, maybe explain why this is a thing....

Did he leave the lights on? What did the other furniture in the living room say when it was over?

r7: Here you go.

btw, it is absolutely not the OP's responsibility to step on his own joke just because you don't keep up and are too lazy to do an Internet search.

Afterwards, did you feel like getting reupholstered? Did you wear a slipcover? Were you worried about having an Ottoman?

Did he try surprise vinyl on you?

Show us where he touched you.

Is it true you could smell the roadhouse whiskey on his breath, Couch, and that you liked it? You liked it?!

How many eyelid hairs did he leave behind?

Maye next time you'll wear a plastic cover before you go a whorin' around.

Are you a Lazy-Boy?

Show us in the dollhouse where he touched you.

Did you consent?

Sizemeat verificacia?

Leather or Lace?

He made no real impression on me, until he sat his fat ass down.

Did I consent? How could I consent? I am a couch.

Did the drapes watch?

Did he whisper sweet nothings to you afterward?

They did, r23. So did the coffee table. When Vance lowered himself on me he muttered, "Nice... so much cushion for the pushin'.

[quote] Did he whisper sweet nothings to you afterward?

No, he did not. In fact, he stuck his hand down inside me and groped around for loose change. He found an old stale Cheeto, and yes, he gobbled it up.

Was Diet Mountain Dew involved?

Did he bring along any friends or was it just a one-load experience?

He must be furious that he’s getting hammered (pun intended) for something he supposedly didn’t even do. Or did he?

Leave me out of this!!!!

Won't someone please consider the poor Afghan.

Update -- Guys, it looks like I've got fleas. I have always been a clean and tidy couch! There's only one place the infestation could have come from-- the pubes of my abuser.

[quote]Won't someone please consider the poor Afghan.

He ate all the couch Cheetos and left me with nothing.

Does this look like a man who'd share his snacks?

Is it true that you worked as a Chippendale's dancer?

I warned him. I told him. I begged him to consider.

You can only flip a cushion once.

R13, Lord Jesus bless and protect us... it's the filthy cushions made real. We'll pray!

Did he…uh… hide the Planned Parenthood receipts under the cushions…

This wouldn't have happened to any of Joan Crawford's couches. Say what you want about her as a mother, but that lady knew how to protect her furniture!

Have you ever had sex before that was sofa-king great?

Did he have a smelly, cheesy cock?

I can picture it now, it’s a feature length called “JD Vance Goes to Davenport”

You were upholstered in velour, the cushions were plumped, you had it coming.

Best is yet to cum

Did you two create a Loveseat?

[quote]I can picture it now, it’s a feature length called “JD Vance Goes to Davenport”

More like “JD Vance Never Goes Down on Davenport.”

The whole thing started when his mother caught him jacking off to Divine fucking himself as Dawn [italic]Davenport[/italic] in "Female Trouble.:

No. I wasn't worried about him giving me a disease.

I've been Scotchgarded.

Since the beginning of time, boys have found creative ways to masturbate. In his book, he made reference to a time he put a latex glove between two couch cushions and humped it. That’s it. The last people on earth who should find this to be controversial is gay man.

R49 it's not controversial, it's a ridiculous thing to admit to

Twitter is listing all the new nicknames for JD, including Vladimir Futon.

Twitter says this about JD as Vladimir Futon:

[quote] I don't really care what JD Vance did or didn't do. I just hope it was a committed relationship with furniture and not a one nightstand.

[quote] Is it true that you worked as a Chippendale's dancer?

r35, it's true. But that was a LONG time ago. I'm a changed couch.

Sectional Healing

Did he make you show him your dirty pillows?

R49, how old was he when he did this?

Omg the Teddy Ruxpin comparison is sound.

Couch, you’re evil for taking his semen because you can’t conceive a white child.

You listen you me, Couch! I made a flag in my head. This is how I satisfy myself. I made a flag. It's white and it has yellow and orange flames around it. And in the middle is the word vergogna. Vergogna in Italian means shame. Shame, shame, shame!

Before Vance had his way with me, he covered me in this lacy negligee. He said it would put us both in the mood. (It didn't).

Did he clean you up afterwards?

The DustBuster gave me the orgasm he couldn't.

Did he clean me up? He gave me a halfhearted "wipe" with his shirttail. Does that count? Then he farted and excused himself.

Swamp-ass?

John Oliver:

[quote] The reason you always find change in couch cushions is because JD Vance always leaves a tip.

Well, Couch, I think you're divan.

Why fuck a couch? I just used My Pillow.

Did Vance see the name Jennnifer Convertible and think you were a tranny-prosti?

Has he ever tried to contact you again? Is he a stalker?

Was his come-on line "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"

Did you witness JD blowing Peter Thiel?

Oh no don’t say yes you’ll get thrown off a balcony

How do you feel about childless cat ladies?

Is it true that you two broke up when he came home smelling like dolphin?

Davenport, Iowa has just cancelled the JD Vance rally for undisclosed reasons.*