My Dad Was Gay — But Married To My Mom For 64 Years

Her dad was handsome.

But those pants!

My favorite part is the photo caption "The author's mother, Irene Hall, age 21, with her hair styled by the author's father, in San Carlos, California, in 1945."

When I got the part where her "father lumbered down the dark hallway to her (mother's) room" but didn't finish her off with a needlepoint pillow he'd made, I stopped reading.

R3 Jesus Christ! It looks like he sprung from George Cukor’s head fully formed à la Athena.

R2 rather

He looks like Joey Tribbiani.

But I thought The Gays were invented by Richard Simmons in 1987!

In that last photo he looks good for 90.

Eldergays: Who's had him?

It appears they each went into the marriage with a good understanding of who the other person really was, and realistic expectations of what their relationship would be. That is a key point to any happy happy marriage, even a so-called lavender one.

I will never understand gays that have gone so far as to enter into a hetero marriage and breed instead of just staying single and childless. Seems like such an unnecessary burden to place on yourself.

The burden of a lavender marriage is offset by family and someone to be there for you through rough times. Even handsome and out gay men struggle to find that and if you are a good protector and provider, women are incredibly generous and loyal. He could have done a lot worse.

[quote] She called him at work, hysterical. He sped home, thinking one of us kids had been hit by a car. When he found out what had happened, he offered to leave so she would never have to see him again. He promised to support her and us for the rest of his life. He packed up his things that night after my siblings and I were asleep. As he backed out of the driveway, Mom ran toward him, pleading with him to stay and telling him that she still loved him.

This was a manipulative move on his part. Of course she'd beg him to stay. How would a 1950's housewife explain to her children and family that their father left in the middle of the night? How difficult it would be for her to pick up the pieces. Basically, it was an ultimatum. Accept a sham marriage or I leave.

I'm exhausted by all of this.

A bit of cynical take, R14.

Another take is that he was massively conflicted by what society expected of him and what he desired, who he really was, in spite of that expectation. And he realized that his wife, a mostly innocent in all of it, was caught in the middle of it all.

It wasn't a good place for either to be. But there wasn't a lot of options either. What else was he supposed to do? Just abandon them outright? Or somehow change to straight? It doesn't even sound like he denied it. He didn't gaslight her. Make it seem like it was her fault or anything shitty like that.

Honestly, how else should it have been handled?

Hawt. Amazing story. I woulda had her dad doing this.

He was trying hard, they produced four kids.

r13 That just makes it seem selfish, then. You're knowingly deceiving an innocent person into accepting a sham marriage and depriving them of a healthy/satisfying sex life because you're too weak to be alone.

Well I didn’t read the story R19 and didn’t know she wasn’t aware. That’s different than both going in with eyes wide open.

r20 He wasted her time and youth. Girl could've had a V8.

My BF's parents were also both gay and still managed to pop out two kids. When the BF turned 17 he took his dad out to tell him he was coming out as gay. His father shocked him by saying that he himself was gay, as was his mother. It wasn't hard to tell. Mom was the breadwinner, had a masculine edge, and had an important career in D.C. while Dad was a stay-at-home parent who wrote poetry. The BF was upset, not that his Dad was gay but that he chose the same day to confess his same-sex attraction.

This is the type of crap they publish during Gay Pride month? I want to hear stories about gay nymphs bathing in the sun on the Christopher Street piers, going home and watching That Girl and then heading to the Continental Baths to hear Bette Midler.

It sounds like a good partnership. I agree with people up thread saying there were so few options back then. Both were very resilient

R23 Its not a particularly crappy article, nor was that gay married guy especially crappy.

The site of pointless bitchery and no one has called the dad a selfish cock loving closet conservative queen?

I sort of did at r21 and r19. :shrug:

All good marriages are solidly grounded in friendship. I hope your parents took much joy in their platonic love for each other, OP.

R22 Your Bf’s dad sounds like a one up you type cunt. Their last names aren’t Cohen is it?

No R29.

Where are those photos of "revealing photos with other men?"

I think after a certain amount of years, the romance falls away and the couples are more like roommates. It is better if the couple are friends. You can't maintain that feeling of being in love for long.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

r32 They weren't "in love" in the first place. He was gay.

Sounds like he had the best of both worlds.

r35 And she not a goddamn thing but a lackluster sex life and ruined body from birthing that man's kids. He's no different than any other male that saw women as their personal broodmares and maids back in those days. Him being gay doesn't make him immune to patriarchal brainwashing. This story ain't hardly cute.

^ *she had

OP = Tim Daly

If he knew he was gay why did he propose marriage to the woman?

I had a relationship for a few years with a gay woman. We had great sex. There are many different ways to go in life and people have many sides. Except some people on DL want everyone to be rigidly one thing or another.

R22’s story apparently is somewhat common.

I went to graduate school with a woman who became a tough, DC powerhouse breadwinner for a family of an “artistic” stay-at-home dad and their kids.

At least one son is gay.

[quote]And she not a goddamn thing but a lackluster sex life and ruined body from birthing that man's kids

You have no idea of what this women wanted and felt. Consider the possibility that she wanted children, wanted a companion who she loved, but really didn't care all that much for sex. From most men's POV, sex is the be all and end all. Women are wired differently. And having children normally isn't ruinous to a woman's body.

How lackluster was the sex?

R39 oh rose you playing thick again?

[quote]Women are wired differently.

r42 Sure. And as a woman, and lesbian, who is not a gold star and happens to know all too well that even straight men are terrible at sexually pleasing women, I understand that this woman very likely missed out on any sexual fulfillment/pleasure. Of course it's not the end all be all. Companionship is key for me, also. But if I'm going to engage in sex with someone, they better be getting me off, goddamn it. We know good and well this man, who was gay, didn't accomplish that for her. Ever. He clearly had the opportunity to come multiple times. The existence of their children proves this. There is no excuse for any of this.

And having babies does ruin your body in numerous ways. She was his slave and ticket to social acceptance. But sure, at least she got a provider out of it. :rollseyes:

[quote]I had a relationship for a few years with a gay woman. [bold]We had great sex.[/bold]

Men kill me sincerely thinking it's a team effort.

[quote] But if I'm going to engage in sex with someone, they better be getting me off, goddamn it. We know good and well this man, who was gay, didn't accomplish that for her.

You don't know that and neither does anyone else. That said, how many men of that era do you imagine were great lovers? Most men probably had one or two lovers before marriage, if that. How many men (or women) even knew about eating pussy? And if they did, were they doing it right?

[quote]She was his slave and ticket to social acceptance.

Again, you don't know here motivations. She knew he was gay. Slave? Seriously? You sound like you're projecting.

[quote]You don't know that and neither does anyone else. That said, how many men of that era do you imagine were great lovers? Most men probably had one or two lovers before marriage, if that. How many men (or women) even knew about eating pussy? And if they did, were they doing it right?

r47 Why do we insist on believing men and women back then were eunuchs? I used to be this naive. Then I heard this shit below and haven't been the same since😐...

[quote]She knew he was gay.

She found out after finding photos when they were already married and then he finally came clean. He lied. If a lesbian purposely deceived a man into marrying her for security and kids she'd be accused of being a gold digging harpy who "trapped some poor straight man who deserved better". Let's be real.

I just recently found out that my older cousin and her husband had to bail out her father-in-law all the time in the 80s. He’d get arrested cruising parks, public restrooms, truck stops…he’d promise to “change” and a few months later, arrested again.

And—no surprise—he was a preacher!

R40, so you're not a gay man? Am I reading this right?

R40, sounds gross as fuck, so you are a gay man fucking a masculine woman? Are you fucking serious? Sounds like a fucking nightmare.

R16 by not forcing his wife to run after him while he's about to drive away in the middle of the night, for a start.

I don't doubt this was probably one of the worst moments of his life, however, he had to know, if he had an ounce of intelligence, that his wife might find out somehow, and made a better plan for that eventuality. There was no excuse, in my opinion, to pack up and leave while his children were sleeping. Although he promised to support them financially, he was also forcing his wife to take the difficult job of explaining things to her children and family all by herself. It was a cynical and manipulative move, in my opinion, even though I have a lot of compassion for him. Nice and kind people manipulate others all the time, and they don't even realize they are doing it. Situations like this had to be resolved by both parties, not by someone leaving in the middle of the night.

^^^R14 replying

r52 Exactly. What he did was emotionally blackmail her. Even if it wasn't a conscious, malicious intent to do so, that is exactly what he did. Maybe he was actually bi. Because this is exactly the type of bs a bi person would pull.

You have no idea of the societal pressure to marry and have children that was life in America after the War. And you're imposing your modern sensibilities on an era in which life for homosexuals was hard, particularly for those who were out. I'm not excusing him. He should have come out to her before marrying her and give her the option of walking away. And that's just it; assuming they both had the same options we do today. They didn't.

[quote]Although he promised to support them financially, he was also forcing his wife to take the difficult job of explaining things to her children and family all by herself.

You think supporting a family financially which involves going to work daily is somehow less effort or less “difficult” than a one-time (read: not-daily) explanation that requires no action other than speaking…

She’s lucky she was being paid to do nothing. She should have been grateful.

Next.

[quote] She’s lucky she was being paid to do nothing

What do you mean? R56

Why are all these cunts "telling their stories"?

[quote]What do you mean?

I guess she was paid to clean the house once in a while. Whoops.

[quote]You have no idea of the societal pressure to marry and have children that was life in America after the War.

Trust me when I tell you that I do. I also understand how difficult it would have been for a young mother in the 1950's to shoulder the burden of four children all by herself, while being a divorcee, and having to lie about the reason her husband left her.

This woman had a major surprise and needed time to figure out what to do next with her husband. Instead she got an ultimatum, and a threat to leave, which is emotional blackmail. Whether he planned to force her hand like this from the beginning, or whether he just didn't want to deal with the emotional fallout, I would respect him a lot more if he had given himself and his wife time to consider things together, instead of forcing her hand.

[quote] And that's just it; assuming they both had the same options we do today. They didn't.

That's exactly the point. She didn't have the options women have today. He gave himself the option to leave his wife and children, which has always been an option for men. Taking care of his family financially is the least he could have offered, but the emotional fallout for his children, he preferred his wife to deal with.

What R59? When did she get paid? I think I missed something in the story.

Wait nevermind. You’re saying she got financially supported for being a mother.

Creating children isn’t nothing, it’s something that kills women across the globe and of the ones that do make it, it creates lifelong health issues. Creating children who are productive normal members of society and aren’t psychopathic cunts is even harder. Clearly your mother failed R59.

Gay men who know they are gay and marry women are scum.

That man stole 64 years from a woman who could have been happy with someone who truly loved her. Instead, her life was spent being his beard. Waste of a life. How horrible for her.

Could have. But also could have been dumped by a straight husband just as suddenly. Who says women are going to get a loyal and giving partner just because they avoid closet cases.

This situation wasn’t ideal but it could have been worse for both of them.

Look here. Ain't nobody got time for this mess.

At least he could have given her the chance, r64. But like you said, we'll never know but that's on him.

R63 It's not helpful to take such polarizing positions about situations like these. I do wish he hadn't reacted the way he did when his wife found out, but it's understandable why he married in the first place. It was a dangerous time to be a Gay man, and there was a lot of pressure to get married. People perceived unmarried adults past the age of 25 negatively. I wish he had been more supportive of his wife once she found out, other than give her a manipulative ultimatum, but he doesn't deserve to be called "scum".

Couldn't he have just lived as a single gay man in San Francisco? He was in SF for the love of God, I mean?? Isn't that what thousands of U.S. servicemen did? Get out of the military and build a gay life?

r68 I'm pretty sure this man was just the average, run o' the mill bisexual. It's the gaslighting and emotional blackmail that gives him away. Textbook bi person mind games and narcissism.

2 of my parent's best friends (husband and wife) were married for over 60 years as well. I never told my parents that the husband was gay. I also never knew if his wife or their children knew. I saw him out many times at various gay places, bars, sex clubs, etc. He knew I knew and never said a word to me about it, but a few times when I encountered him at gay establishments he just looked at me with a look of "okay you caught me, so please keep quiet about it". I looked back and gave him a "don't worry your secret is safe with me" look.

Scum protecting scum.

[quote]He gave himself the option to leave

No, "he offered to leave so she would never have to see him again. He promised to support her and us for the rest of his life." Again, I make no excuse for this man, but don't mischaracterize his taking responsibility. He didn't desert her or his children. I had to go back and re-read the piece because you've misconstrued it so greatly. The daughter included the part about her mother telling her father that "I’d do it all over again" so she came to terms with it and eventually realized she had a good life with the exception of sex. And for that, I'd suggest you read other Huffington Post pieces detailing the lackluster or just plain lacking sex life for couples married more than a few years; how many from women saying they just don't want to have sex at all later in life? Consider she might have been well off after all.

[quote]but the emotional fallout for his children, he preferred his wife to deal with.

Did we read the same article? She asked him to stay and he did. Forever. And it read like he made a wonderful father loved by his children. How many Huffington Post pieces have been written by children wondering why their parents divorced late in life after the kids had all gone? If she was unhappy and wanted out, she could have divorced him at any point along the way. She had agency despite her limited options, but by the 1970s, a divorced 50-something woman was not unusual.

R60, your response reads emotionally hurt and triggered by this piece. Did something like this happen to you?

I’m sure if she had married a straight man in the 40s she would have experienced decades of clitoral stimulation, professional advancement, equality in family decision-making, and shared leisure activities. What was that woman thinking?

r72 The woman clearly had Stockholm syndrome. Decades of narcissistic abuse and emotional manipulation will do that to a person.

Did she, R74? She and her husband sacrificed their sex lives for their children. I was going to say 'lives', but realized it was just their sex lives as the daughter's description was of a loving home with two engaged parents. And to repeat a theme, how many Huffington Post articles describe families of the 50s and 60s wherein the father is all but absent, or worse, left the first wife to marry his secretary and do it all over again (think: [italic]Mad Men[/italic] )?

Where are you getting narcissistic abuse?

R50 Why did this gay man have four children? Are you saying he wasn't a gay man?

R51 She wasn't masculine.

R76, it's looks like R40 is a bisexual man. Is that what you're asking? R40 is obviously not gay. Do you think the OP subject was also bisexual?

R78 I am R40 and also R76. I'm asking R51 why he doesn't think I'm gay because I had a relationship with a woman, when no one is questioning that the dad who was married for years and had four children is gay.

R78 In other words, why is the dad "gay" but I am "bisexual"?

Because you enjoyed the woman and were attracted to the woman. How the hell would you not be bisexual? You would inside a woman's pussy ENTHUSIASTICALLY. Your sexuality includes men and women of your own free will, agency and attraction. Therefore, BISEXUAL. Just own it.

Now I guess it would make a difference if you were with this woman and discovered men later, but that doesn't sound that's the case.

R81 Well, she came on to me and I liked it, and we had a sexual relationship. Why did this guy have to have four children? Do you think he only had sex with his wife four times? I'm just saying you really don't have the right to define other people's sexuality. Maybe it's not easy to define, anyway. But once this guy decided to have sex with a woman it was not that different from me deciding to have sex with a woman, no matter what you say.

When someone throws the word "agency" around, I lose interest.

You were inside a woman's pussy ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

It is not a problem R28, but your sexual orientation is called bisexual.

R22 that gave me a giggle, way to eclipse the kid's big moment!

R82, dude you're not even fucking gay, it's not even a big deal, but why the hell would you lie and claim to be gay when you're bisexual. You're bi. You fuck men and women. And if what you're saying is true, the gay dad was bisexual too. Look you are the one who chose to have sex with a woman. You're bisexual. Is there a reason you can't deal with it? Is that your last time having sex with women? You came in some woman's pussy and now you're arguing that you're a gay man. Stop being ridiculous.

See when you said "I liked it" - that kind of took you out of gay citizenship. Now you may prefer men but that's not the same thing as being gay. If you were really gay you would have turned her down and you would have been turned off at the thought of sex with a damn vagina. So why didn't you turn her down. And how is she a "gay" woman if she came on to you?

R82, you might what they call "fakegay" - men who claim or "identify" as gay but still like woman sexually and fuck them.

A pussy enthusiast does not equal gay, just use the correct terminology, it's not that hard. Gays are not attracted to both men AND women. Bisexuals are.

[quote]And how is she a "gay" woman if she came on to you?

r87 Well, hold on there now, that depends on what r82's financial status was at the time. If he was loaded, it makes perfect sense. Tolerating a penis for a check is what women, of all orientations, have been doing for centuries. There's a method to the madness, sir.

No one’s business. Dumb bitch should keep her trap shut.