Let's Be an Oscar Acceptance Speech

I'm the phoney humble shock on display after winning, despite campaigning all year.

I regret to tell you that Marlon Brando cannot accept this award.

I’m sticking my tongue down this colored woman’s throat.

I'm the other four gifted and fierce nominees who share this award with me

I’m the misandrist radfem dog whistle speech that gets M fired up!

I'm the political message

I'm only a dream.

Fuck you, bitches. I won.

You like me you really really like me

I love it up here

I'm the breathless orgasim

OP, what does your post have to do with an acceptance SPEECH?

I'm the desperate search to find someone new to thank so my speech stands out: catering, grips... anyone to improve my popularity and "regular person" persona.

I'm the woman who thinks that because she won an Oscar people like her... They really like her 🙄

I'm the cute, but fake, Native American that accepted an Oscar for an aging matinee idol and then gave a rambling speech that no one remembers, but pissed everyone off 😠

I'm a credit to my race

I was the only black girl in that class.

I’m our lord, Jesus Christ.

I’m G’s acceptance speech, I’ll never happen except in her bathroom mirror.

I’m the awkward expression caught by the camera as the spouse realises they’ve been left out of the long list of thank-yous. If I’m smart, I will retain a divorce lawyer at the ad break.

I'm the faded movie queen who accepted the award for Anne Bancroft just to stick it to my arch nemesis and then took a full year to actually give the award to the winner

♪ I'm the music cutting off all you long-winded bitches ♫

I'm the obnoxious bit of virtue signaling that now seems required!

I'm the slap heard around the world... POW!

I'm the completely ignoring the now-triggered person of color non-winner.

I´m the surprise expressed that it IS heavy!

I'm that moment of pure joy upon receiving the Oscar, to be quickly followed by the dreaded realisation I'm gonna have to chew on Harvey's stump for the rest of the night.

I didn't realize my pants were transparent under the lights! The entire world saw my ass when I tripped going up the stairs!

I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm thanked only by black winners.

I´m Matthew McConaughey proofing at 2:05 that R29 is not quiet right.

R29 is the second coming of r18.

I beat Meryl!

I'm the dead mommy referenced in a speech.

@r32, I was getting Oscars when you were in diapers 🤨

I'm the endless list of thank yous to people who the tv audience doesn't know and doesn't care.

I'm multi-time loser Glenn Close applauding the winner while thinking, "Next year I'll get it for 'Norma Desmond'..."

I’m Glenn getting a Jessica Tandy win in her 90s, leading Jada to start a campaign to cancel her.

I'm Greer Garson. Look me up.

I'm an audience member at the 2022 Oscars wishing Will Smith had been removed from the premises before having to hear his bullshit speech.

^ Be glad you'll NEVER hear another Oscar speech from him EVER

I’m Buck. My mother was robbed.

I’m the mediocre white man who would like to thank his family and wife even though I already know my movie lost to Moonlight.

I'm Melissa Leo, up here shouting about God knows what.

R38 We´re Alfred Hitchcock ,Patty Duke and many more

see: restrain

noun

1. a measure or condition that keeps someone or something under control.

2. unemotional, dispassionate, or moderate behaviour; self-control.

I’m the words “courage”, “journey” and “artistry”. You’ll hear me a lot tonight.

We are Katharine Hepburn’s four Leading Actress acceptance speeches that were never heard. Psychotherapy has been our friend.

I’m the playoff music that only makes whoever’s onstage talk louder and faster.

R45 We´re "iconic", "inspirational " and "honored".

Your younger silbings so to speak.

Just keep me and my son out of it. We're worn out from all those other awards shows.

I’m the amazing journey this has been.

I’m Monique, trying to peel back the gold foil to get to the chocolate inside

I'm the beautiful speeches of those winning "the boring Oscars". We're being fast-forwarded on most people's screens and we're hurt!

R51 you aren't really a speech, are you honey?

We're the calculated swear words designed to get attention and make my speaker look cool. We don't work.

I’m the profuse worshipping of a director I screamed at and wanted to murder during production.

I'm the lack of preparedness and word-stumbling despite my speaker campaigning for months and almost guaranteed victory..

I'm the cool, witty, self-possessed speech, usually by a writer.

My apotheosis was Philip Barry who, on an Oscar night of particularly cloying sentimental tributes, said, "I just want to say I am entirely responsible for the success of The Philadelphia Story. Nobody lifted a finger to help me." Exit. Job done, mic dropped.

I´m Shirley Mac Laines passiv-agressiv shout out to Debra Winger.

I'm sorry. I have nothing prepared. I really didn't expect to win.

I'm Chrissy Metz wondering if there's chocolate under the statue's gold leaf.

I’m all the cocks that were sucked and gallons of cum swallowed to get to this moment.

I'm all British recipients' speeches, all goggle eyed, goofy humility, gosh, can't believe it! Little old me.

I'm the lifelong anti-monarchist doing a volte-face as public opinion turns in favour of Her Maj.

"What vain weather-cocks we are".

R63 what a phony big-titted cunt and I like her

🤞'👆 👍👌🙌🤞🖖🤙 ✋👍🤙👋🤘🖐🤙☝️'🖖 🤚☝️🤙✌️👆 🤘👌👆🤞👇🤛 👋☝️🙌🤙

I'm an OG Nepo, born into privilege. As part of the chattering class, it's my duty to use Oscar night and similar gilded events to shake up the chattering class!

Brown people are my raison d'etre.

I'm surprised no old troublemaker has pretended to faint to draw attention away from a rival's speech. I can see someone like Miriam Margolyes doing it to cause trouble

R67 A faint followed by a huge fart.

I’m Jack Nicholson and I can’t begin to describe how much more I want to sit courtside at the worst game the Lakers ever played than I want to sit through one more of these interminable ego-ramas in which nothing happens but speeches made by insipid drips who lavish praise on themselves until the music is turned up so loud they’re forced to surrender fhe microphone and leave.

If the winner is white, the smug pride comes through.

If the winner is African American, the smug pride comes through and there's an inevitable declaration that God supports them and hates all the other nominees.

I'm that ridiculous vulgar gown that my stylist insisted would get me raves even if I didn't win but will now be judged for generations to come with a big WTF?

I'm the whispered acknowledgement of a dream come true.

We're the acceptance speeches that quadruple-threat, Bradley Cooper, wrote and memorized twelve nominations ago. One is for acting, another is for directing, another is for producing, and yet another is for screenwriting. If his losing streak doesn't end soon, he'll be adding songwriting, art direction, and costume design.

"... and who could ever believe that a story about a farting contest would ever win for best picture... I'd like to thank my mother..."

I'm the sense of pure entitlement Shirley Maclaine announces to the universe when she comes to accept her award.

I’m the line of coke that was just snorted up the nose of the best actress winner a few minutes before she begins her speech. It will calm her nerves and hopefully help keep her ribs showing through her Oscar grown this year and next.

I'm the part of the speech which acknowledges another nominee should have won. I simultaneously enrage the remaining three nominees and piss off half the voting Academy!

I'm the Hersholt Award winner, no one cares about me, and most people go to to the john or make a sandwich when I'm on.

Wow, R69, that sounded like one of his speeches from Reds!

I'm the social cause the actor has been using all season to campaign on and promote in their speeches that they will never mention again.

I'm the montage of dead people that no one can see during the In Memoriam section of the program.

I'm the mental arithmetic of how much more my salary will be now I've won. I've memorised this speech since I was 16 so I can just say it on autopilot and look sincere.

speech /spiːtʃ/

noun

1. the expression of or the ability to express thoughts and feelings by articulate sounds.

Similar:speaking ,talking ,verbal communication ,verbal expression, articulation

2.a formal address or discourse delivered to an audience.

Similar:talk, address, lecture,discourse,oration,disquisition,peroration

Cunt

Noun

1. R83

I'm Bradley Cooper's mom who knows she will have to console her little boy after he has to hear another actor accepting an Oscar.

I’m the tearful salute to an inspirational dead relative.

I'm thanking those who believed in me.

I'm the lack of thanks to the writer/s, without whom there would be no fucking movie in the first place!

I´m the superbly crafted self-deprecation, poise ,humor and impressiv vocabulary.

[quote] I'm the phoney humble shock on display after winning, despite campaigning all year.

[quote] I'm the sense of pure entitlement Shirley Maclaine announces to the universe when she comes to accept her award.

Ahm, I guess that watching the mud fight R1 and R75 are about to have, I'll be cheering the former. I'll take sincere arrogance over fake humility any day, please.

Starting @1:00, I am Cloris Leachman gliding on to the stage to accept her Oscar.

I'm a member of the orchestra who has to play someone off whose speech is running too long.

I’m the hand clutching the forehead in shock.

I'm the loser trying to maintain a good sport face.

R94 is not Angela Bassett.

I'm the rags adorning Frances McDormand, accompanied by her unbrushed hair, to show you she really doesn't care about the superficial aspects of all this... she's a REAL woman who portrays REAL characters.

I'm the Oscar left in the john.

I'm "the greatest actress in the English language."

I’m the anti-Israel speech.

I’m the vague demands for an INCLUSION RIDER!!!!

I'm the shout out to all the maggots feasting on the flesh and bones of everyone who ever existed, mattered, and took up space. Thank you Viola!

I’m the guilty white person who won over someone black. Every word and inflection of my speech will be picked apart by the media.

I'm the surprisingly short male actor who has stand around awkwardly while the microphone is lowered on the lectern.

I'm not the winner but rather the one to whom the Oscar was given.

I'm the acknowledgement that my recipient will never be up here again

I'm Tom Cruise. Still waiting.

I´m written on a piece of paper that is folded 15 times over. I´m hidden in a besparkeld evening purse under cosmetics, pills and some muffy good luck charm. Sometimes i´m getting lost in a voluptuous cleaveage,ore lack thereof . Ore i´m hidden in the other pocket of a smokin jacket.

Whatever the case i make sure that nervous,trembling sweaty hands of the winner have a hard time finding me.