Let's be Harvard President Claudine Gay's annual Holiday cocktail party

I am the $50.000 spent on extra security.

No Jews allowed!

I’m regrets.

Doesn’t look that crowded. Mmmm..

I'm no regrets.

Photo was for illustrations purposes only. I doubt VIPs are wearing nametags. And it will be a sit-down dinner.

I'm the plethora of last minute cancellations. Since only eight chairs can be removed without it looking desperate, seat fillers are good-looking Harvard undergrads from conservative families.

I’m the untouched latkes on President Gray’s plate.

I am the Penn club across the street. I feel just as miserable.

The latkes suck because they were a last minute swap in, replacing Eggplant Pancakes with Chermoula Sauce, in honor of the Moroccan UN Ambassador (who has cancelled).

I’m Cousin Roxane eating everything in sight.

I’m irate because whenever I mention my big endowment people keep laughing.

We're the word salads.

I’m President Gay’s statement eyeglasses in festive crimson.

I'm the talking candy cane replacing the talking stick for the holiday season.

Ego Nwodim did a perfect Claudine Gay on SNL, A +

The white folks don't get no cocktails.

I’m the electric menorah in the corner, unplugged.

We are the real Jews specially invited from Times Square by President Gay.

I’m the Mortimer Club and even we had more Jews at our holiday party.

I'm the one subject discussed by everyone.

I'm the closeted Palestinian supporter – but NOT a Hamas one – who won't utter a peep because I know I'll be labeled an "antisemite" by all the asshole rich guys at this thing.

Except then I got drunk and "peeped" that Bibi should accept a two-state solution, and was promptly beaten up by billionaires' security teams.

I'm no one speaking. Afraid of saying something that will offend.

I’m the applause at “go back to the ovens!”

I’m the non Kosher menu.

I’m the dreidel cupcake topper that gets thrown in Gay’s face.

Let’s be the shiny new trucks lined up in front.

I'm President Gay's speech before the entertainment. I am plagiarized from Michelle Obama and Malala Yousafzai.

I'm Claudine's small talk. And even I've been plagiarised!!

Claudine, you in danger gurrrl!

I’m the 10 second pronunciation of acadeeemia.

We’re white guests making snide remarks to Ms. Gay about “problematic white men like that entitled prick over there,” pointing at a nebbishy nobody.

We’re smugly helping heal the nation from the evils of colonialism each time we hiss white from our white mouths.

We later learn we were pointing at Ms. Gay’s caucasian husband Dr. Christopher Afendulis.

The husband

The food was surprisingly good when I attended a memorial there 10 years ago. Smelled like old money.

I’m the halal kwanza food.

I’m cousin Roxane’s chair, suffering in silence yet again.

Im the drunk prez climbing to the top of the tree because nothing really matters anymore

I’m the hushed aside to Gay: *everyone* does it.

I’m meant to lift her spirits, but instead hammer home everyone knows she lied/cheated.

I’m the word “duplicative” being heard quite a lot this evening.

I'm the embarrassed blushes when some of the candidates passed over for the Harvard presidency sing in unison "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas".

I’m the rectangles of less faded wallpaper where Gay’s task forces took down portraits of historic Harvard VIPs because they weren’t inclusive. .

^ not referring to slaveholders, which is a valid issue. Non-problematic portraits were also removed from spaces “whose visual culture is dominated by homogenous portraiture of white men.”

White so bad!

But all she's achieved is through the kowtowing of Whites. Blacks don't give a fuck for her academic bullshit.

I'm the downward glances when Claudine momentarily berates 'the help' for some serving misdemeanour.

[quote] But all she's achieved is through the kowtowing of Whites. Blacks don't give a fuck for her academic bullshit.

I’m Rightwing-lounge, population 2, so desperate to signal my hate that I forget to put my post in traditional “Let’s Be” format.

I'm her husband, blowing off the XXL Black valet.

"blowing off"?

^ Ebonics

I'm Claudine saying, "And now I'd like to read a little essay I wrote titled 'Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus.'"

I'm the cancellations.

"Sorry Claudine, something has just come up......"