Are There Things Your Parents Did Or Said That Affected You In Adulthood?

Yes. After I let them know I would be moving out of the family home they told me I'd be back because they doubted I'd be able to make it on my own. I would come running back home to safety. I'd have become homeless rather than return after being told that. I was pissed off. I had some tough times but I learned and earned my way in the world and never went back home for more than a very short visit.

R1 good for you! I’m happy you did not have to go “running back home”. I love to hear those successful stories.

When I was a junior in high school, my dad found the gay porn I'd been searching on our computer. The fact that I thought he would never find it is hilarious given that he majored in computer science in college, but I guess with youth comes arrogance. In any case, my dad did the correct thing and didn't say a word to me about it, but my mother (they were divorced) angrily confronted me and told me she was "worried about me", in such a tone as though I had skinned our pet cat and had a future career as a serial killer. In retrospect I think she was mainly worried because she grew up during the AIDS epidemic, but I know there was also some homophobia there on her part. We're long past that, but still, I've never forgotten it, because she (intentionally or not) reinforced my insecurity that there was something "wrong" with me. It was extremely hurtful at the time. I know the common story for gay males is getting shamed/beat up/thrown out of the house by their dad, but I was quite lucky to have an open-minded father with a lesbian sister.

R3 I completely understand. Thank you for sharing.

The screamings. The beatings. The homophobia. The boozing. The empty fridge. It was wonderful.

R5 I am so sorry, R5

The first thing I learned in Abnormal Psychology is that Yes, Your Parents Really Are Responsible For The Way You Turn Out Because Of Those First Few Years Of Your Life.

r7 Nah, stop blaming your parents and take responsibility. They're imperfect people just like you. So? Most the people on earth grow up with a dysfunctional family. That's life.

My mother once told me if she had to choose between me and my step father, she would choose him.

And she did. Over and over. He kicked all her children out of the house and she just let him. My brother turned 16, got an afterschool job, and my mom went and had him emancipated so she wouldn't have to pay child support. She let my teenaged sister and me (aged 12) sit in the parking lot at a grocery store to wait for my step father's bookie and pay him. She let the police break the door down to my room, where the police entered, guns drawn at me while my drunken step father was passed out in bed after a hit and run where she drove him away from the crime scene.

My father attempted suicide several times and tried to murder my mother. He called me while I was battling cancer to tell me he was thinking about suicide again. I asked him what he wanted me to do about it and that if he wanted to do it, he should. I said he traumatized us all as children by attempting it and that I guessed that wasn't enough, that he now had to traumatize us as adults. He told me he wished he never had children.

There's so much more. My friends constantly say they cannot believe how well I turned out despite the shitty upbringing I had. Truth is, I don't feel loved by my parents at all and I also have a hard time loving them. I have a hard time loving anyone, really. I just never trust anyone who says they love me. So I live alone and don't date much and probably will be alone the rest of my life and the weird thing is, I'm kind of ok with that.

R9 omg, I am so very sorry.

For many years I thought I had "moved on" or "dealt with it." After deeper reflection though and as I got older I realized they were the reason for many of my bad traits. Whether they did the best they could or not or whether they themselves had their own upbringing issues is irrelevant. So I try the best I can.

[quote]The first thing I learned in Abnormal Psychology is that Yes, Your Parents Really Are Responsible For The Way You Turn Out Because Of Those First Few Years Of Your Life.

I don't agree with this - there's been a lot of research that has found that genes are mostly what create us although I think it's still a mix of nature and nurture. And, yes, even genes are technically also the responsibility of the parents who decided to breed.

OP, usually fathers want a boy. Perhaps he wanted a girl so he could have his way with her sexually.

OP, do you have any idea why your dad wanted a daughter so badly?

I've personally never encountered that before. I've heard of plenty of women who were desperate to have a girl, and men who were desperate for a son, and I can understand that.

I've also heard of a few cases of women strongly preferring a son, but this is very rare in the modern Western world. One of them was a former teacher who thought girls were "catty" and "high-maintenance."

Another was a friend who I actually agree with; she believed that raising a daughter in this day and age would be too worrying/stressful, "since they're much more vulnerable than boys."

But a guy who desperately wants a daughter over a son? I find that much harder to understand.

Yeah, my dad was very much 'sons are the best, women are horrible and useless'. I know of another man who danced around in joy hearing that he had a son.

It's quite unusual and a bit suspect unless he figures that daughters are going to be more likely to look after him in his old age.

I side-eye anyone who wants one gender or the other, personally. It always suggests that they don't really care about the baby as a person but about what they want the kid to be, which is a recipe for disaster.

R13 I was thinking the same thing tbh.

Only two reasons come to mind as to why a man would want a girl as badly as OP's did:

1) he's a Trumpian type

2) he is secretely a femme gay (or perhaps transgender), and wants a daughter to live vicariously through by doing girly things with (playing with Barbies, braiding hair, painting nails, shopping for frilly outfits, etc.).

I love the way OP is hosting this thread like he’s Jenny Jones or somebody.

We're at Datalounge. So, yes, obviously!

I think it's nice for those who post. I posted in a similar thread even though I wasn't sure about doing so. I got a nasty response but the OP checked it and that made me feel better about having posted.

[quote]Are There Things Your Parents Did Or Said That Affected You In Adulthood?

No, of course not. Parents have no effect on their children in life.

THIS is what the place has come to? Christ.

[quote]No, of course not. Parents have no effect on their children in life.

Are you being sarcastic?

My mother always told me I was such a happy, smiling baby.

As an adult, I hate people.🤷🏻‍♂️

They had sex, and I was a result of it.

So, yes, that has affected me significantly as an adult.

OR, R16, OP's store is complete bullshit.

Calling LL! Tell us about what Mommy and Daddy did to you.

There were a lot of things, but the one that stands out most to me is when I was in highs school nd my father, in one of his weekend drunken stupors, standing over the barbecue, spatula in one hand and a Michelob in the other, said, "Don't ever get married and don't ever have kids. They'll ruin your life."

Thanks, dad. I'm sorry I ruined your life.

^Sorry for the typos. Makes me look like *I'm* in a drunken stupor.

R13 & R16 Hi this is OP, I am sorry to say my story is not complete Bullshit. I have no idea why you would think I would make this up?!?! I found it all very bizarre, too.

My parents were both alcoholics, but my mom was mentally unstable on top of that. She eventually got sober [when I was well into adulthood], and while, in her case, "plain-vanilla crazy" was definitely an improvement over "drunk crazy," it was clear that sobriety wasn't going to cure her mental struggles.

A lot of her mental illness manifested in religious delusions, which were totally affirmed and reinforced by the religiously conservative environment in which we lived. So I resented the hell out of that, too. It still bothers me.

So, yes, that whole thing affected me, and still does, in many ways. There's no magic bullet to solve these kinds of problems--working through them is the work of a lifetime. I know my mother loved me (loves me--she's still alive), but she has a very broken brain, so her love coming from that broken brain is a broken kind of love that is also very hurtful, senseless, and traumatizing. I wish things were different, but it's out of my control.

I try to live a better kind of life in adulthood, because I understand how vitally important stability is to my loved ones.

My mother had no empathy for me or other people just like her own mother. She took me to the doctor, but expressed no concern or "caring" about my condition. She went to my plays, ball games and parent-teacher nights, but never ever complimented my performance. There was absolutely no kindness, no encouragement. She was like this with our pets too. The woman could not afford to be nice for some weird reason.

Nothing dramatic, but this kind of thing affected me for decades. Once I looked at it and accepted it for what it was - her problem - I got over it much easier. My father was a drunk who did nothing, so she was the superior parent.

So, so many things that my parents said and did, but the biggest was impressing upon me absolutely no desire to have children. I'm with R7 on this one, and I'd say to R12 that there is a high correlation between parents with bad genes and parents with no sense of what they say can and will impact their children throughout their lives.

I've known since I was 8 that I would never have children. I thought about having a vasectomy when I was 18 (I am not a gold star gay). I decided against it when I realized after the one serious relationship I had with a girl that pregnancy wasn't going to be an issue.

Quit letting the past drag you down. Learn from the moronic moves of your parents. I'd bet anyone who was treated badly is a good kind person . Why ? Because they Know what being hurt is and wouldn't want to do that to anyone else.

Also, I want to say something about "bad genes." I understand genetic predispositions and certain heritable characteristics of many ailments. Our mother, as I mentioned upthread, was a low-bottom/fall-down drunk who had extremely disturbing mood swings and behaviors. I'm one of 5 children in the family who had both the genetic inheritance and the environmental exposure to this household, yet none of us are fall-down/crazy drunks like she was [and I'm in recovery from alcoholism for many years, but was never anything like our mom, even at my worst].

You'd think if it came down just to 'poor protoplasm,' there would be bigger messes in my generation.

My youngest sibling [who is 19 years younger than me, and was born when my mother had progressed to a much lower/grimmer point in her addiction] has likely fetal alcohol exposure syndrome issues. Even he, born with shit he did not ask for, does what he has to do to live a stable and ethical life.

Well yes I would say I was affected. When I was in my 20s and a continent away from my father, I would still flinch at any sudden movement in my peripheral vision.

And, when I had children, when they were just about 3 years old, I suddenly realized 'this is the age where most people's emotional development is fully formed,' because their various behaviors & responses were reflected, recognizable, and identifiable in so many adults I knew. The abstract thinking, skills etc. come later. The emotional core is fully there

In the old days, people wanted sons more than daughters. My junior high friend was one of 7 girls (no boys). I asked her: "Did your dad want a son?" She said: "Why do you think we have 7 girls?"

My maternal grandma also had 4 girls, no boys. My grandpa did want a son, but in the end said that he was glad he had all girls.

My friend got married (first marriage, no prior kids) to a guy who had 2 sons from a previous marriage. Fried told me that her husband did want a daughter. (Friend got pregnant and did have a girl.)

Modern trend: people just want want what they don't have.

On a documentary about "aging in place" (not going to a nursing home), they said that old people with three (yes, three) daughters or more, have the best chance at aging in place.

My grandmother had 6 sons. Sixth infant was brought to her with "congratulations it's a boy!" She said 'take it away.'

Well of course they didn't take it away and the infant went home with her after all. He did not have it easy, but he's my favorite uncle. At least 2 of her boys turned out to be kind, wonderful men.

I agree with whoever said that sometimes that early adversity can makes one determined to be kind. Those that rise above, though, I think must have some kind of other advocate or mentor somewhere.

My father told me I would not be successful in my chosen career, and that I should pick another.

He only made me more determined.

A lot of men want girls, especially when they get old, because they want someone to take care of them. I've noticed that people with only sons end up faring worst in old age. I have a cousin, who after 3 boys, begged his wife to try for another kid because he wanted a daughter. She said no because she was set on only 3 kids. Now, he is older and his sons are all living far away.

R38 thank you for that… my father grew up with four brothers and felt men were just mean and uncaring. That makes complete sense your post.

Really? Nothing good to say? Y’all had shitty parents?

Well. I am Spartacus! I stand for all those with supportive, unhateful, parents who loved their children unconditionally and told them so.

R40 interesting point you bring up. Yes, it does seem to be negative driven. Maybe it’s the way I broached the thread speaking of my own negative experience with my parents.

There might be something to this wanting girls thing. Decades ago, it was considered normal for the adult unmarried female child to take care of the parents. She was supposed to be at their beck and call. Adult boys - unmarried or married - could do whatever they wanted, there was no expectation that they were obligated to Mom and Dad. Real bummer for girls.

I only learned this from a movie (Living out Loud, good movie) and then I recognized the behavior in people I already know. Never thought about it before.

My mom had three boys, one miscarriage, then two girls.

R42 very interesting. I will watch the movie. Is Holly Hunter in the movie? I love Holly.

Of course OP. So many things. But I try not to think about it. Too upsetting.

Of course I rose above it, of course I came to terms with it, of course I became my own biggest supporter because i had to be. But the well-worn excuse “they did the best they could” is bullshit. They knew better but they never changed or tried to do anything differently.

[quote] Adult boys - unmarried or married - could do whatever they wanted, there was no expectation that they were obligated to Mom and Dad. Real bummer for girls.

I know this woman who had to move back home to take care of her of her mother who was dying of cancer. The woman was married with a kid and living in another country, but her incel brother refused to help, even though he was living in their basement rent free. What a bum. She had no choice but to move back.

On the topic of parents who preferred boys/girls...my grandma (who's still alive, in her 90s) was born a fraternal twin (she had a brother). She was born first, and when it was clear that she was a girl, my great-grandmother said, "I don't want it. I don't want a girl." Some minutes later, her twin brother emerged, and I guess that was some consolation.

My grandma found out about this because the town doctor, who had delivered her and her brother, also delivered my aunt, her youngest kid and the first girl. He asked her, "You got any problem with girls? 'Cos that's what you've got here." Grandma said, "For god's sake, no I don't have any problem with girls!" And he told her the story of her own birth, adding that my great-grandmother's anguish was "the most bizarre reaction to the birth of healthy, living twins that he'd ever seen."

I don't want to make excuses for my great-grandmother, who was plenty fucked up in lots of ways, but her firstborn (a boy) had died of peritonitis at age 1 when she was early in her pregnancy with the twins. So, she had been grieving [or, more likely, not properly grieving] the loss of her kid during that period.

We all also suspect (though we'll never know for sure) that my great-grandmother may have experienced what today we would recognize as sexual abuse in her youth, so maybe she had her own good reasons for not wanting a girl. Being a girl was not an easy row to hoe, in her experience.

My parents flip-flopped. They would say something like (Mom) "If you do this it would kill your father" then 6 months later ask me why I didn't do it, it would have been good if I had done it. Who cares what your father thought?

Another example (from childhood): "Never, never hit a girl. Never." Sometime later: "A girl took my bike" "Well, did you get it back?" "No, she was hitting me" "Well, did you hit her back?" "You told me never to hit a girl." "Oh, that's not what I meant."

Made me question my perceptions and reactions a lot.

When my father was having trouble with his second marriage, he said it was all my fault. I was 16.

He told my brother the same thing a few years later, when he was 17.

We were told we would be leaving the house the moment we turned 18.

Never blamed her son, a compulsive liar who wasn’t pressured to leave home.

My brother and I obviously didn’t want to hang out. I went to college, he joined the military and we are both semi-successful.

Her son, now on disability after being fired from several jobs, lives in their house and spends most of his time in a pot and painkiller stupor. He couldn’t bother to say hello last time I visited.

The "It would kill your father" thing was about transferring colleges. To one more suited to what I decided I wanted to do. My dad was proud of where I was going. Would not be so proud or happy if I transferred to this other, artsy school. So didn't pursue it. About 6 months later Mom was asking me why I wasn't too happy. "I wanted to transfer, and do what I wanted to do." That's when she said who cares about what your dad thought. You should have done it, it would have been fine. I

I'm not actually sure how stuff like this affected my adulthood, I just know it did.

Just very frustrating.

R17 thanks! I prefer to be Larry King. 😉

[Quote]Only two reasons come to mind as to why a man would want a girl as badly as OP's did:

[Quote]2) he is secretely a femme gay (or perhaps transgender), and wants a daughter to live vicariously through by doing girly things with (playing with Barbies, braiding hair, painting nails, shopping for frilly outfits, etc.).

That is one of the stupidest things I've ever read. Kudos on being a moron..

Some people shouldn't have children. That includes my parents.

I was always aware that I was not as loved as my only sibling. I was the 2nd of two children and 5 years younger than her. I resented always being #2 and in a way, sort of an afterthought. The obvious affection for her that was never there for me, hurt a lot. Then, as an adult I came to be just a bit thankful for this because I realized I was more grounded, resourceful and independent. My sister became more and more dependent on our parents and they (our parents) relished this which I found sickening. I resented my parents for having a stranglehold on her life. I tried to get her to break free of them, to no avail. She knew she was the favorite, I knew, she knew, and even worse, our parents never tried very hard to hide any of it. I know others here grew up in similar circumstances. Were you the favorite or just another pile of #2 poo like me ?

My ultimate unrealistic and delusional dream.

R56 I believe everyone should have a lock and key on their genitalia and when they are thinking of having a child then they have to get approved by ??? take classes, etc. Go through a lot of training, etc before they can be approved to procreate.

I know this is crazy thinking and throws free rights out the window, but shit it is so fucking easy to have a baby (for some) and they abuse that privilege by procreating child after child and society is left with dysfunctional adults.

R57 it sounds like you have the Jan Brady Syndrome. lol. I do know what it is like. As you can see by my thread verbiage I was not the favorite because I had a penis.

Hugs to you, my DL friend.

Looks like I hit a nerve with the femme closeted cunt at R55.

You've never seen any of those queeny pageant dads (both closeted and open) on Toddlers and Tiaras and whatnot? What better reasons can YOU think of, since you're apparently an expert?

My parents never pressured me to get married or give them grandchildren. They also never pressured me into a specific type of career. They were high school graduates and didn't know anything about applying to college. For that, I'm grateful.

On the other hand, my mom discouraging, in general.

My mom and dad broke up when I was 2. My mother went on a hippy journey of drugs and men, I didn't not have stability. My dad didn't know where I was for a few years. We were living in communes. My mom used to leave me with random people that I didn't know while she was sowing her oats. One time she left me with the younger brother of her boyfriend. He sexually abused me, and showed me whips and belts and told me if I told anyone he'd beat me with them.

Fast forward to me, age 26, living back at home for awhile before my grad school kicked in. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I finally confided in my mother about the incident, and how I thought I had PTSD as a result of it (probably not just that one incident as much as the entire experience between ages 2-6).

She stood there and laughed at me. She laughed in my face and said "Oh, Charlie? He couldn't have hurt you, he had a limp!"

I went to my car and drove around and screamed at the top of my lungs for hours.

That's when I realized, I really was on my own in this life.

R62 Fuck that horrible cunt of a mother. I hope you never saw her again.

R62 I completely ditto R63 fuck your Mother and the high horse she rode her fat ass in on… Seriously, I hope she dies a slow painful death. I know that is mean but her flippant attitude is heartbreaking. You matter and you are perfect. Finish grad school and be successful because you matter. Show your Mother you have the maturity and the stamina to succeed and make something of yourself when she apparently failed on so many levels.

Did you continue Grad School? Please, if you stopped, get back up and do not let her dysfunction stop you from being your best self.

Please keep us posted.

Thank you, R63 and R64! That is really, extremely kind of you guys!! I got all the way to my writing my thesis but I never finished it, even though I was getting straight As and was a successful TA and had an internship with the museum at my campus. I ended up dropping out and pursuing love and other interests, some successes and a lot of self-sabotaging along the way.

I'm 50 now and have been considering going back to grad school.

I did continue to be in contact with my mother but I moved out as soon as I could afford to. And I moved across the country from her about 12 years ago. And then once she got on the Trump train I basically have zero contact with her, but I still send her flowers on Mothers Day, because, well...it's more depressing for me to ignore Mother's Day than to acknowledge her. But she's proven over and over and over again that there is something really off in her brain. My friends and boyfriends have all witnessed her weirdness over the years. It's a shame.

The hardest thing is, people think "don't let your stupid parents hold you back, you are worthy! Love yourself!" But what is not understood is that early childhood trauma actually wires your brain wrong, so that you end up feeling unsafe and nervous with a messed up HPA axis - in other words, a spazzed out nervous system. Sadly, as much as we all wish it were so, it's not always as simple as thinking your way out of trauma. Some people on DL and in life in general have ZERO idea of what early trauma does to the developing brain, and will label you weak or pathetic if you have the gall to mention that you are still affected by something that happened in childhood. Boy, I wish it were that simple. Early childhood trauma can affect your physical health too, because of the excess cortisol and adrenaline. It's no bueno.

Anyway, thank you OP for sparking this dialogue. I am SO SORRY you were not celebrated and loved the way you deserved to be. I can't even imagine how that must have felt as a child. Clearly it's not you, it's them. So fucked up. My god.

Love you!

Your mom and I are separating and I am moving into my own apartment.

R65 I wrote that same exact phrase about early childhood trauma and was told I was wrong. I spent a lot of time studying the brain in Grad School. I, 100% concur with your sentiments.

Good for you for remembering your Mother on Mother’s Day. You will always win with true kindness.

[quote]I wrote that same exact phrase about early childhood trauma and was told I was wrong.

But you are wrong - based on science. How do you explain that identical twins given very different upbringings with no contact with each other have remarkably similar lives as adults? Similar tastes, personalities, careers, whether they smoke or not, and so on. Genes are most of how we turn out. It also explains why children do not turn out the same despite having largely the same upbringing. Have you ever wondered how someone turned out remarkably normal despite having fucked up parents and vice versa? That's not to negate the role of environment but it's not even the main factor in how we turn out.

They toilet trained me. My adulthood would be very different if they hadn't.

We were discussing what my college major should be. At one point I said "But I always thought you wanted me to be whatever I wanted to be!"

My mother said "Whatever gave you that idea?"

R65. please look into EMDR therapy. It changed my life.

You are 100% correct that childhood trauma rewires the brain. There are books out there that discuss this in length. I highly recommend, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, MD. He is consider one of the foremost experts on this very subject and is considered the father of EMDR therapy. Trauma will affect a person differently depending on what stage of development the brain is in. The younger you are when it happens, the more it changes you as the brain hasn't had time to develop yet. In the book, he talks about how they put people who had trauma into an MRI machine and had them recall the trauma by talking about it to someone in the room. What they found was astonishing. The part of the brain that lit up when they were discussing the trauma in the machine is the exact part of the brain that lights up when someone has a stroke. It's literally why some people cannot speak about their trauma. It creates the same conditions in the brain as a stroke. It's crazy, but the author did several experiments with different people who had suffered trauma and got the same results.

So yeah, shit our parents say and do when you're young absolutely changes us. I wish you all the best. I know exactly what you are saying.

When I was ten or eleven my mother told me she was planning on divorcing my father and having a lot of boyfriends. This was before she told him that. She was emotional incest mom. I am physically repulsed by her and by her gross much younger cokehead husband. Guess she got what she wanted.

[quote] Good for you for remembering your Mother on Mother’s Day. You will always win with true kindness.

I think it would be OK for R65 to let Mother's Day pass without acknowledging his / her mother. You don't have to be openly hostile towards her, but you don't have to celebrate her as a mother, either. There's such a thing as condoning bad behavior. JMO.

DING-DING-DING!!!!

OP, you are the winner of the single stupidest question ever asked on DL!!!!!

Come on down and get your prize!!!!!!!!

[quote] But a guy who desperately wants a daughter over a son?

The desperate part is concerning but many men actually respect and like women. My father's father died when he was a baby. His early years were spent on a farm where his mother worked as a housekeeper. My dad said the men on the farm were brutes or just assholes, and he grew up seeing and believing that women were the civilized sex.

As far as something my parents said that affected me as an adult, I've posted this before. When I would do something stupid or thoughtless as a kid my dad never got mad. He would bail me out, then calmly say, "you get to make this kind of mistake once". As an adult I try very hard not to do the SAME stupid thing over and over.

Our mother was a raging borderline /narcissist. We of course were suppose to make her look good all the time. Neither my brother or I could ever meet her high standards and so she raged , screamed and hit us.

My brother started stuttering and biting his lips until they bled at around 77 or 8 which made her rage even more because it looked terrible. I couldnt play the piano...my cousins were all brilliant AND musical so I shamed her by being the untalented, C+ student

As adults both of us are prone to panic attacks and generalized anxiety ..I dont really get along with people and am a loner

If you want grandchildren have daughters.

R71, Thank you for reminding ne about EMDR! I have done it in the past. I don't think I got all the way through my stuff though. And I felt incredible tired afterwards. Perhaps I will do EMDR on a few more specific memories. We focused on early childhood stuff. But some of my glitching came later, when I tried to talk to my mother about the past and she completely invalidated me and gaslit me. I had a very strong attachment to her, even more because she alienated me from my dad. I had no siblings and my family was all fucked up on both sides. She was all I had. When she began to show her true colors, it blew my mind - it totally devastated me. When I realized I couldn't trust my own mother, the one family member I was close to, it threw me into an existential crisis that I've never healed from. I wonder if it could help with general feelings parental betrayal and the effects of gaslighing?

I am glad it helped you! That is great to hear.

I hated my father and did not respect him, my mother passed away in 1993, and I never spoke to him again, he died in 1997, did not attend his funeral, and could not have cared less. Burn in hell mother fucker

R79 did he abuse you?

Its called growing up. Op No ones life is a party, everyone has to go through shit, it teaches us to be better people. I honestly cant say that i know anyone who doesnt have a dsyfunctional family.

You sound like my father, R81. That's not meant as a compliment, btw.

There's dysfunction, and there's [italic]dysfunction.[/italic] I could regale you with stories that would make your toes curl, but one of the first complaints I recall my father making was that he wasn't responsible for how his kids turned out and it was time we learned to stand on our own two feet. I was 6.

But you're right, R81. It made me a better person. And it's also one of the many reasons I never had children.

Same, r81. I never wanted kids because I saw them as a burden which is how my parents treated us.

My parents were older parents, and probably shouldn't have had us. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was emotionally neglected, and bullied by her family and viewed as "lesser than" because she had been an unwanted "oops - thought it was menopause" pregnancy from her own parents. On top of that her dad also thought girls were useless. My grandparents were stoic Europeans and didn't really show much emotion or affection. She grew up very religious and forced that upon us kids. My dad didn't really care about that until much later when he quit drinking. The religious environment we were in, at that time, trusted people and were were abused in it. Physically and sexually. One of these was a trusted person. Others nearer our own age group. We didn't tell. We were taught to carry on. But, yeah it affected us. I don't think either of us had any kind of decent relationship, speaking for myself, until I was in my 30s. I still don't completely trust people.

R84 that’s sad.

Thank you all for participating in my thread.

Wow ur stories are really sad. U should know u are allowed to be annoyed. I had crap parents but It was always pointed out just how bad the other neighbours had it (they had it bad) so I was never allowed to be pissed at my situation; which is an odd place to be. I'm now successful and recently had a big event to mark my success. I felt guilty that i didnt want my folks there, but when I thought about it, I got zero help or encouragement and actually the opposite; being constantly put down. My partners patents died when he was a kid, and sometimes I believe bad parents are worse than none; especially if a good relative steps in. I get very envious and annoyed when I see teenagers expecting their patents to do their bidding..I know its bad but it makes me crazy.

Same, r87. And it's not just teenagers. It's the 18-35 year olds who still live with their parents that I cannot understand. When I hear anyone talking about how great their parents are, it's so foreign to me.

In some ways, I'm grateful I had to make it on my own because I know I can. It's fucking HARD. But it would have been nice to have a place that felt safe to call home and parents who would love me no matter what. Maybe in my next life although I'm not sure I want to do any of this again.

I won't go out into detail but I am an elder gay and now just coming to grips and making peace with my BPD. Years of emotional and verbal abuse from my father, and being dismissed by my mother did a number on me. I was the fat hat kid in high school and bullied. I did rally lost the weight got my degree, came out etc. I was never really a "whole" person afterward No relationship lasted more than 3 months. Still single, few friends but God damnit I survived, never got HIV, did not succumb to substance abuse. Financially stable . Not ready for the curtain call, let's see what God has planned...